When Harry Met Meghan

The big royal news is, of course, that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged to be married in May at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

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The wedding will be paid for by the Royal Family, the hefty security bill will be paid for by the taxpayer.  Alas, not all taxpayers are thrilled with all of the #RoyalEngagement details.

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The engagement interview that aired on Monday showed Meghan to be poised, confident and well spoken, certainly capable of handling the royal spotlight.  Both Prince Harry and Meghan appeared relaxed and enamored with one another in stark contrast to Prince William and Kate’s engagement interview which seemed a bit awkward and forced.

For some questions, though, Prince Harry and Meghan appeared to give answers that better suited the fairytale, probably decided by committee based on what tested highest in focus groups even though they hopefully didn’t need to “No, it was the Levi’s guy” this thing too much.

Unlike Prince William, Prince Harry did let others in on the engagement news which might be why it was a better interview and perhaps why the engagement happened to be announced when Harry was getting bashed around in the press for being a “spoiled brat”.

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The origin story of their relationship in the BBC interview was a bit vague on details but according to their answers was the result of a blind date that happened in May or June of 2016.  Likely Prince Harry and Meghan didn’t give specifics because according to The Telegraph, Meghan was living with chef Cory Vitiello when she met Prince Harry.  Meghan’s ex-boyfriend has gone the no comment route on whether or not Prince Harry, who was in Toronto in May, was the cause of their break-up.

Vague Timeline:

Meghan Markle: Oh it would be a year and a half, a little bit more than that?

Prince Harry: No just about – it would be about a year and a half yeah.

Also…

Meghan Markle: I don’t think that I would call it a whirlwind in terms of our relationship, obviously there have been layers attached to how public it has become after we had a good five, six months almost with just privacy, which was amazing.

Okay, Meghan possibly already being in a committed relationship doesn’t make for the most romantic of How I Met Your Mother scenarios but even if there was overlap, we don’t know what Meghan’s relationship with Cory Vitiello was like.  I think the important thing to remember is that there is a single attractive man out there who can cook.  If you ask me, Meghan traded down.  Prince Harry proposed when they were “trying to roast a chicken”.  If it were the chef proposing, that chicken would have already been roasted.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks:

During the interview Meghan claimed, “Given that I didn’t know a lot about him, everything that I have learned about him, I learnt through him as opposed to having grown up around different news stories and tabloids whatever else.”

As an American I want the make and model number of that BRF-free bubble because that sounds like a magical place in which to live.  Considering accusations made by family and friends that she has been plotting to marry into the British Royal Family because she wants to be the Second Coming of Princess Diana, you can sort of see why Meghan would deny the virtual inescapability of royal news here in the US. Meghan’s childhood friend Ninaki Priddy is the latest to claim Meghan connived her way into Harry’s heart and the British Royal Family, telling the Daily Mail, “It’s like she has been planning this all her life.  She gets exactly what she wants and Harry has fallen for her play.  She was always fascinated by the Royal Family.  She wants to be Princess Diana 2.0.  She will play her role ably, but my advice to him is to tread cautiously.”  Either Meghan’s family and friends are out to get her or she’s boiled a few bunnies along the way.  The stereotype of the femme fatale leading men to their ruin is sooo 2016, though.  And if Meghan really does fancy herself Diana 2.0, that means she’ll highlight good causes while finishing off the monarchy in spectacular fashion.  I’d watch that show.

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks:

When Meghan made the innocuous comment that Princess Diana was with them, Prince Harry jumped in with a “somewhere else” comment so fast that I’ve never been more sure that rumors about Princess Diana’s ghost popping up around her sons are all true.  The “somewhere else” distinction makes it seem like Harry was implying, ‘Obviously she’s in heaven or some other plane, but definitely not in our kitchen making butter levitate and questioning Meghan’s footwear choices, that would be crazy… hee hee crazy.  CRAAAAZY!’

Meghan Markle: She’s with us.

Prince Harry: I’m sure she’s with us yeah, you know, jumping up and down somewhere else.

If you thought your in-laws were bad, imagine one that can’t be ducked by not answering the phones and who doesn’t need a key to get in.  I’m going to comb through that engagement interview frame by frame to see if I can spot Princess Diana’s ghost making bunny ears behind Meghan’s head just because I suspect Princess Diana wouldn’t have thought any woman was good enough for her sons.

The one thing that gives me pause about Meghan is her leaving her rescue dog, Bogart, behind in the US.  The reason provided by Jason Knauf is that Bogart is too old to fly but according to Meghan’s own social media posts, he’s five, that’s like saying Meghan is too old to fly.

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Even if Bogart can’t fly, the voyage by sea would only take a few days.  I can’t imagine giving Nightwing up for any reason, we are a non-negotiable package deal.  In fact I’m presently not speaking with my mother because she suggested Nightwing isn’t really my son.  Not to go all canine conspiracy theory, but I wonder if the “friends” Bogart is staying with is really her chef ex-boyfriend who wanted Bogart in exchange for not selling his story to the press?  I’m trying not to judge Meghan and grant her the same grace period I gave Kate in which to disappoint me, but isn’t willingness to give up a rescue dog when you fall in love with a prince one of the signs of being a serial killer?  Hopefully there’s a plan to reunite Meghan and Guy with Bogart.  It just doesn’t feel like Meghan’s happiness could be complete without her furbaby.

On Friday, Meghan will be doing her first royal engagement with Prince Harry so she’s pretty much already in danger of surpassing Kate’s annual engagement total.

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And I know this is just another Daily Mail typo, but how awesome does Thor Christmas sound?

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I think we should live every day like Thor Christmas is about to happen.

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Cosplay Kate

On Friday, Kate Middleton briefly united fans, critics and the media by wearing a Jenny Packham gown to the Royal Variety Performance that pretty much everyone agreed made her look like Elsa from Frozen.  Check out where Elsa’s hands are, did Disney animators and Kate go to the same princess training school?

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It’s one of those dresses that doesn’t look terrible from a distance but upon closer examination reveals itself to be sparkle chaos, the sequins, beads and crystals creating a glittery crustiness that haunts you like a grey hotdog from a street vendor.

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The madness is mesmerizing, there are clusters that sort of resemble butterflies, hanging embellishments that look like they could be tassels or dangling crystals or maybe a secret SOS message to an even more secret lazy royal advocacy group that she’s being forced to duchess against her will.

I for one am here for Cosplay Kate as long as it’s not all Jane Austen and lace. The next time she plans to flit off to Mustique, she should dress up as Mystique for whatever pre-flight engagement she has.

A Tweet by Jason Manford revealed that sitting there while being entertained had taken its toll on Prince William and Kate.

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William’s divide and conquer strategy so they could get out of there in ten minutes would have allotted 24 seconds with each performer, assuming both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did their equal share, which doesn’t sound like a lot of time because it’s not.  In The Princess Bride, Inigo Montoya’s famous line, “Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die,” took approximately 8 seconds so technically both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge could have introduced themselves and delivered a very succinct mission statement about revenge twice in 24 seconds, with 8 seconds left for a handshake and to advance to the next person.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the plan for the modern monarchy involves a tee shirt canon and a moving walkway like the one at the Tower of London to minimize the amount of time the future king and his consort are forced to spend with the commoners.  Both William and Kate can zip past a waiting group as they fire customized tee shirts at them with “Fuck off” on the front and on the back something like, “These shirts were so expensive, your taxes have been quadrupled and all of you now live in a yellow submarine.  By yellow submarine, we mean a cardboard box dogs have peed on.  But seriously, peasants are gross.”

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The RMS Windsor

The ocean liner The Titanic was thought to be unsinkable, until of course it sank, the iceberg it hit compromising five of its sixteen watertight compartments, one more than the ship could withstand.

The British Monarchy may no longer be viewed as unsinkable, but it survived the annus horribilis, Diana’s death and Hurricane Fergie, albeit with damage to the hull, so what exactly did it hit for it to be taking on so much water recently?  Or did someone release the Kraken?  I hope not, I love a good Kraken release party.

Currently Compromised Compartments:

The Queen – Her Majesty is rarely publicly criticized, most respect her dedication to duty. The woman is 91 and still keeps an impressive schedule.  But the revelation of the Paradise Papers that the Duchy of Lancaster was tied to the offshore tax haven scandal hasn’t cast the Queen in the best of lights.

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The Queen voluntarily pays an undisclosed sum in taxes but the scandal reminded people how cheesed off they are about their taxes going to pay for the massive Buckingham Palace repair and renovation money pit project and not truly knowing how much the Royal Family costs them because of a lack of transparency.

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And of course this week the chairman of the Duchy of Lancaster was knighted by the Queen.  But no photos of that knighting were allowed so it’s almost like it didn’t happen, except it did.

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But at least we sort of know what it would look like… if the chairman were Julie Walters.

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Prince Philip – There’s not much anyone would begrudge the recently retired royal, but really, the first thing he does with his freedom from duty is have a new kitchen put in?  What is it with this family and new kitchens?  Couldn’t he just borrow one from Seven Kitchens Kate?  After all, she’s been helping herself to some of Buckingham Palace’s kitchen staff, allegedly causing some to quit due to being over-worked.  The Palace claimed there’s nothing unusual at all about the amount of employees jumping ship, just regular turn-over, nothing to see here.

Prince Charles – Whoopsie, those pesky Paradise Papers again, this time a bit shadier.

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I doubt there was any intentional impropriety, but Charles gets so focused on achieving his objective, he develops tunnel vision.  Because of this revelation, there is a call for greater transparency with the finances of the Royal Family which they try to keep shrouded in mystery.

Prince William – The avid hunter and supporter of trophy hunts gave a speech for Tusk warning of the dangers of over-population while his wife is pregnant with their third child.  I hope his speech writer, presumably still Jason,  just hates him and he really isn’t that oblivious.

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Kate Middleton – Okay, I don’t think I have a clear grasp of how this life-threatening Hyperemesis Gravidarum works because for Kate’s first solo event back after the September 4th announcement of her pregnancy, Kate showed up in workout gear and participated in a tennis workshop on Halloween.  Did Kate have the 24 hour kind of Hyperemesis Gravidarum?  Either call it what it is, regular morning sickness which is still terrible or do a better job committing to the con, that’s all we ask.

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Kate has done two engagements recently, a gala at Kensington Palace for The Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families on Tuesday night and a Place2Be forum on Wednesday where she gave a speech.

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Tuesday’s black lace dress we’ve seen before, Wednesday’s was new.  And ugly.

Kate’s Place2Be speech included this line, “As a mother just getting used to leaving my own child at the school gates, it is clear to me that it takes a whole community to help raise a child.”  For fuck’s sake, the entire staff she has helping to raise her children didn’t clue her in?  The brief speech ended with “And I’m looking forward to learning even more today.”  Um, as patron should she really be highlighting her eternal pupil approach to charity work where it’s all just a learning experience for her or is she finally acknowledging that she does nothing behind the scenes to prepare for her engagements?  But she did give a speech which happens just about as often as Bigfoot is spotted riding The Loch Ness Monster.

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But back to the Duchess Who Cried Keen.  Royal correspondent Richard Palmer ran some numbers on Tuesday and out of Kate’s 33 engagements in the UK, only 3 were outside of London (in a separate Tweet, Palmer estimated Kate’s done 40 events on tours, not counting take-offs and landings).

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Considering Kate’s only got about five weeks until her winter holidays, it looks like she might have some difficulty breaking double digits again for her annual event totals, despite the padding for official engagements she’s already received.  That would make it five years out of seven Kate failed to do even 100 annual events.  The Palace better figure out a way to boost her numbers by year’s end, after all, Kate and William were both supposed to be stepping up to reduce the burden on the 91-year-old monarch and her retired 96-year-old consort.

Kate finally received her first honour since joining the Royal Family, the Tuvalu Order of Merit which was created to commemorate the Cambridge’s visit to the sinking island in 2012 and for helping to raise awareness for climate change which was approved by the Queen.  Does Kate even know what climate change is?  Does she think the climate is now wearing nude court shoes and jeggings because of her?  Or did Kate and William promise to try to squeeze everyone into one private jet on their next ski holiday?  The medal, created by Major David Rankin-Hunt and made by the British company Gladman & Norman is kind of the Fisher Price of medals, as can be seen in this Daily Mail article, the design is very simple and looks like it’s made of stainless steel.  Perhaps the Queen wants to make sure Kate doesn’t swallow any of the pieces before even considering giving her The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, which every other working female member of the Royal Family has except Kate.

Prince Harry/Meghan Markle – There is still a lot of public opposition to this potential union.  I suspect the imminent engagement idea is being pushed by the media because Kate’s about as exciting as watching someone watch paint dry and just isn’t selling magazines and generating clicks anymore.  While Prince Harry and Meghan have been dating for a year, they’ve been calling different continents home, they’ll probably want to live together for a year or so before making any decisions about marriage.  Unfortunately for Meghan, public perception was always going to be an uphill battle because of statements made by her half-sister Samantha at the beginning of their relationship which she recently denied making on Good Morning Britain and others in Meghan’s life.  I saved this since the summer, I think CanadianGoose may be a reader.

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All families are dysfunctional, however those of royal girlfriends are expected to stay out of the news, just like the Middletons didn’t manage to do.

Being an actress is a tough road to travel, it requires qualities some dislike about Meghan.  Those same qualities would translate well into the role she would be expected to play, however.  As an actress, Meghan isn’t exactly Meryl Streep so to have made it as far as she has takes tenacity which means she actually might survive joining that family.  As much as I criticize Kate, I also feel badly for her, it’s as if all the life has been sucked out of her (someone who knew her prior to marriage described her personality to me as a “negative void”, but even so, at least she looked like she had a pulse).  Meghan might actually have a shot at self-preservation.

The problem with Meghan is the same question that was raised when Kate married Prince William: if anyone can be royal, what makes the Royal Family special enough to justify being funded by taxpayers?  The days of marrying cousins to preserve the blood line are over.  The Confession Sessions of Princes William and Harry have left some taxpayers yearning for the days of the stiff upper lip and the second in line to the throne and his possible future queen consort Kate have marketed themselves as “just like everyone else”.

Prince Harry seems to have received all the royal magic which is the problem with hereditary monarchies.  Here he is from Thursday’s Field of Remembrance event.

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Ultimately does it matter with whom Harry jumps into the water as The RMS Windsor sinks?  It’s going down anyway, but at least with Prince William and Kate Middleton suddenly honoured champions of climate change, the water won’t be so bad.

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Dancing Queen Joins Princes to Meet Paddington Bear

On Monday, Kate Middleton proved she will show up for an event she’s not even scheduled to attend if there’s a celebrity she gets to meet, even if it’s a guy in a Paddington Bear costume along with the rest of the cast and crew of Paddington 2.

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People has video of Kate dancing with Paddington. I’m not sure how a woman allegedly suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum managed to be twirled around like that but I almost threw up just watching it and I’m definitely not pregnant.

There are a couple of possible explanations for Kate going from bed ridden in the care of doctors at Kensington Palace to Dancing Queen.  The first is that Kate probably just had regular morning sickness but the Palace Press Office declared it Hyperemesis Gravidarum to make Kate sound like a brave little trooper to give the rather dull duchess something that seems like a personality trait. The second far more credible-sounding excuse is that Carole Middleton has Kate locked in a dungeon somewhere and has assumed her identity because what woman in her thirties would look this frumpy on purpose?

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With all the Single White Femaling that’s been happening in that family, it’s pretty much inevitable Carole will wind up in the Queen Consort role.  It’s always been just one, “Does this bottle of chloroform smell strange to you?” away.

And what is the deal with the trousers on the two princes? Are they in some kind of competition to see who can show off the family jewels the most?  Are they trying to make the Pants Package a fashion trend?  There are children from your charities present and I don’t think showing off your trouser trout is how you look after Paddington Bear.

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Day 5 Poland/Germany Royal Bore Tour

On Friday, the Cambridges’ tour of Germany and Poland passed away peacefully in its sleep.  It was five days old.  The tour is survived by Kate Middleton’s Poland/Germany wardrobe which cost a grand total of £26,000 ($33,787.00 in USD) according to an article in the Daily Mail.

To my surprise Friday’s Twitter hashtag #DAMNTour had nothing to do at all with Cambridges.

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Friday was an even lighter day than the rest of this ridiculous farce of a so-called “Brexit charm offensive” with Prince William and Kate Middleton checking out the Maritime Museum, stopping by the Elbphilarmonie Concert Hall where Kate was invited pick up a baton and play conductor and visiting Airbus where Prince George got to tour an EC 145, just like the one Prince William sometimes shows up to co-pilot for East Anglia Air Ambulance when he needs the PR.

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Doesn’t the UK have Take Your Son to Pretend Work Day?

The excitement was too much for Prince George who spontaneously morphed into a Hummel figurine in a nod to the host country.

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Kate wore a custom Emilia Wickstead dress in lavender, which is a terrible color on her.  No amount of clown blush could keep Kate from looking washed out.  Kate matched her dress to Prince George’s shirt and her raspberry Anya Hindmarch clutch to Princess Charlotte’s dress.  We get it, you’re together.

Some say Charlotte threw herself on the tarmac as part of a temper tantrum, but I’m sure somewhere a conspiracy theorist is convinced she was pushed.

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In honor of Prince George’s birthday today, Kensington Palace released a portrait of George taken by Chris Jackson, the photographer husband of Kate’s assistant/stylist Natalie Archer.

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I’m still not sure what the point was of this whole Germany/Poland tour, but I think Kensington Palace should have a contest and the person who comes up with the most credible-sounding answer should get to keep Kate’s tour wardrobe.  Most of the clothing was hideous but some of the jewelry wasn’t totally terrible.  Maybe it could be returned for store credit.

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Day 4 of the Poland/Germany Royal Snore

Wow, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal tour may be a more powerful sleep aid than Ambien.  I’m not sure if I’m even typing this or if it’s all just a dream but the goat in a scuba suit doing a Christopher Walken impression is really starting to freak me out.

Here’s a cut and paste of Day 4’s itinerary from the Daily Mail just in case there’s someone still out there who cares about this tour:

German Cancer Research Institute

William and Kate will meet Nobel Prize winner prof. Dr. Harald zur Hausen, and visit the stem cell research lab.

Traditional German market, Heidlberg

The pair will be given a tour of the traditional market by the Mayor of Heidlberg

Rowing race

Each will cox a boat each in a competitive race between the twinned town of Cambridge and Heidelberg.

Reception at Clärchens Ballhaus

A reception will be held at the last original dancehall in Berlin for some of the most exciting new names in the world of art, culture, style, fashion and technology.

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Kate’s first dress was Jenny Packham, a rotten egg brocade that looks like the upholstery from a couch my parents got rid of before I was born.  Some were commenting that Kate’s wedges didn’t go with the dress but other than some old fondue stains, not much would.

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Kate changed out of her house frau frock and into her standard sporty look of a striped top and jeggings for the rowing competition.  But, hang onto your hats, royal watchers, the blue of this Hugo Boss top was a lighter blue than she normally wears.  I know.  Dogs and cats living together!  Mass hysteria!

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Kate’s jeggings were so tight, I’d be surprised if she was still able to have more children after wearing them.  Yikes.  Do they even make Monistat with morphine?

Prince William somehow won the rowing race.  I don’t know much about rowing but I do question his contribution given that he’s just sitting there in this photo like Whistler’s Mother.

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Did they not have any needlepoint William could do?  Maybe some socks he could darn or buttons to sew back on?

Kate’s final wardrobe change was into a dress by German designer Markus Lupfer.  It was either some kind of botanical print or decapitated zebra heads and paper bag ghosts.

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We haven’t seen any major shiny this trip but it does look like Prince William gave Kate one of his mother’s bracelets.

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Royal watchers were swooning over this admittedly cute picture in which Kate looks at Prince William with crazy stalker eyes.

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Call me a romantic, but I think it’s sweet she’s looking at him like, ‘I want to weave a hammock out of your chest hair and drink your bath water’ and he’s looking at her like, ‘I’d love for you to meet my friends in security.  Security!’

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Day 3 of Poland/Germany Royal Snore

Sorry Cats and Kittens, I fell asleep last night while prepping to write Day 3’s post.  This thing is a walking coma.

Prince George and Princess Charlotte are even more bored with it than we are and attempted to drag their parents aboard the private jet that was waiting to take them to Germany yesterday.  Fuckity bye!

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Sorry, Poland.  The littlest Cambridges are so over you people.

Don’t get too cocky, Germany, George was already tired of you upon arrival.

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This tour has all the excitement of a couple of Benadryl.  I can barely feel my legs.  I don’t understand how the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can travel to all these wonderful countries and make them look as flat as painted scenery from a grammar school play.  That’s all these tours seem to mean to them, new scenery for their family photos.

This is a cut and paste of Wednesday’s Royal Tour Itinerary directly from the Daily Mail tour coverage because I don’t feel like putting more effort in Prince William and Kate’s tour than they are.

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WEDNESDAY 19TH JULY 

Arrival in Berlin and official welcome

Visit to the Brandenburg Gate

Holocaust Memorial

The couple will meet survivors and tour the museum before walking through the Memorial itself.

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The charity supports young people from disadvantaged backgrounds

Bellevue Palace Gardens

William and Kate will meet with the Federal President

Queen’s Birthday Garden Party, Ambassador’s Residence

William will give a speech at the event held in honour of his grandmother

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I don’t get the sense William and Kate have any appreciation for the historical significance of some of these places or really for anything at all.  They certainly haven’t provided much in the way of sound bites to suggest they are active participants in this tour.  Had Charlotte not been given her first official flower bouquet, there wouldn’t be much to report other than Angela Merkel asked Kate if she spoke German and Kate responded sorry, no.

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Kate didn’t even bother to learn a few key German phrases?  Don’t most people learn to say at least a few things when traveling to a country with a native language different from their own?  Kate couldn’t squeeze in a few hours of Rosetta Stone in between all that nothing?  According to @WriteRoyalty on Twitter, Kate worked a total of five hours in June.

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Kate’s Wednesday attire for the day events was a cornflower blue Catherine Walker coat and another fucking lace dress.  It reminds me of something she once wore to a wedding but I don’t care enough to look for it.  Basically, Wednesday’s look was a slightly cornflowerier version of things we’ve seen a million times.

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And the whole hairnet thing, enough Amanda Cook Tucker.  It’s not retro cute, it’s a lazy shortcut for a lazy client.  Kate already dresses like she’s a hundred, no need to give Grandma Catherine nursing home hair.

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Kate got rave reviews for the red Alexander McQueen dress she wore to the garden party celebrating Her Majesty’s birthday.  It’s cute, but the dress isn’t all that, I think people are so tired of lace and cosplay frocks, they’d applaud her for wearing anything in the normal human range.

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Day 2 of Poland/Germany Royal Tour

For the second day of the Royal Tour of Poland and Germany, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge toured the Stutthof Concentration Camp and met with five former prisoners, traveled to Gdansk to take part in a street party, visited the Gdansk Shakespeare Theatre and toured the European Solidarity Movement Museum, leaving flowers at the Solidarity Monument.

Unfortunately, the events of Day 2 were overshadowed by debate on social media over whether or not Kate’s outfit was inappropriate for a visit to a concentration camp where nearly 65,000 people died. Reaction ran from some thinking it was fine to others being extremely offended.  No matter where royal watchers landed on the opinion spectrum, far too much of the conversation was about whether or not Kate, a guest of Poland as an official representative of the United Kingdom, was appropriately dressed.

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Kate wore a floral Erdem top and skirt and a pair of Stuart Weitzman Nearly Nude Ankle Strap Sandals.  I couldn’t find attire guidelines listed on the Stuttof website but the Dachau Concentration Camp Memorial Site asks that no children under 12 visit the grounds and to “Please respect the dignity of the site by wearing appropriate attire.”

“Appropriate” is a subjective term.  Kate’s Erdem was a floral print but with somewhat subdued tones on a white background in a modest cut.  On Twitter, Richard Palmer noted that he asked if “black or dark colours were expected and they said not”.

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I didn’t happen to notice anyone else in a pattern, most were in dark blue or black.

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In addition to a questionable clothing choice, Kate also wore sandals.  Kate’s worn sandals on tour before but to events like the zoo and the beach.  There are a lot of companies that prohibit employees from wearing sandals on the basis they look unprofessional while some only allow sandals on Casual Fridays.  Given how devoted Kate is to her court shoes, her decision to wear sandals to tour a concentration camp is a curious choice.

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And then there was the red polish on Kate’s toes with which some took issue.  I would just like to point out Kate usually has a visible problem with toe nail fungus so maybe the red nail lacquer was serving a beneficial purpose.  Just sayin’.

For every Royal Tour, a team goes out ahead of time on a reconnaissance mission at taxpayer expense, gathering information about the venues, taking photographs, making notations about things like temperature and weather conditions all to make sure clothing will be event appropriate and will photograph well in the surroundings.  So what happened?  Now that Rebecca Deacon’s leaving, perhaps Kate should give some serious consideration to a proper lady-in-waiting.  Kate’s known to be stubborn and not take suggestions under advisement, but she’s more than six years into a job she waited almost a decade to get, there shouldn’t even be a debate about how sartorially insensitive a future Queen Consort was being at a concentration camp.

Another disappointing aspect of the visit to Stutthof was the revelation via Royal Correspondent photos that the sentiment in the visitor’s book was obviously written ahead of time by someone else because the handwriting wasn’t Prince William’s or Kate’s.  All the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did was sign their names.

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With only two short days, it feels as if the Poland part of the tour was over before it began with so much of the host country under-represented.  Even at the street party, Kate and Prince William ate pierogi and drank Goldwasser which I can do pretty much any time I want here in New York.  Polish cuisine has the best comfort food ever, it deserves so much more than a casual mention.  I must admit I’m not a huge fan of Goldwasser, though, it’s basically like drinking candied fire.  It’s so potent, in seconds you go from your tummy feeling warm to asking if the bell no one else heard meant an angel got its wings.

Richard Palmer wrote a lovely piece about the Stutthof Concentration Camp which I recommend reading because it’s a focused overview of the first engagement without the distracting noise.

Interestingly, the media chose to not question Kate’s attire or even mention the heated debate amongst royal watchers.  Considering how flat the Cambridge’s recent tours have been, perhaps they need this tour to go well because once the public loses all interest in the Cambridges, they will need to find a new job.  Or maybe they’re just waiting for a lull when they need a story of interest.  Like this one mentioning the fight Kate and William got into prior to leaving for the garden party celebrating the Queen’s birthday.

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I’m not sure what’s going on with Kate lately, but in these photos, she looks like Wonder Woman’s pissed off grandmother.

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Day 1 of Poland/Germany Royal Tour

On Monday July 17th, Prince William, Kate Middleton, Prince George and Princess Charlotte arrived in Poland for Day 1 of a five day royal tour of Poland and Germany.

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Given that it is such a short tour, many were surprised Prince William and Kate were bringing the children at all.  After all, they had no problem leaving Prince George at home when he was a baby to holiday in the Maldives.  Some felt the trip would be too disruptive to the children just to have them spend the days with nannies and see the parents primarily at night like they do when they are hitting the slopes. Unlike other royals, the Cambridges tend to approach their tours more like taxpayer-funded holidays than duty, though, so perhaps it’s not surprising they decided to model this tour once again on one of their ski get-aways.

There was some suggestion the children were brought along as Brexit diplomacy photo props.

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That’s pretty cynical, though.   Kate’s behavior with her children at these airport arrivals, the way she fusses with their clothing instead of looking up or turns her focus to them instead of the officials waiting to greet her, suggests she is using them more as surrogate emotional support animals than diplomatic props although it’s possible she’s after the doting-Mum photos but is instead inadvertently creating awkward-adult-focusing-on-the-family-dog-at-a-party pics.

To be fair, these royal tour airport arrivals do seem a bit scary.  I’m always worried that Kate is going to drop whichever child she is carrying because for some reason, it’s usually raining whenever the Cambridges land, making the steps all the more perilous in heels.  Fortunately, the steps were much more manageable this time despite the rain and there appeared to be less media waiting for them.  Prince George, however, wanted nothing to do with any of it.

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I feel like I get George, like we’re both old souls with a bit of a mischievous streak.  So pictures like this one break my heart.

This isn't Disneyworld. Oh what fresh hell is this?

This isn’t Disneyworld. Oh what fresh hell is this?

George is just shy of four. I was at least six before I had that glazed dead-inside look.

It must be strange for Prince William and Kate to raise Prince George as a Maybe Future King.  Surely they must possess enough self-awareness to realize the monarchy’s days are numbered and William will likely be the last king if even he makes it to the throne.  I mean, they’re not headless, they would have to have some kind of inkling, right?  Between David Beckham’s pictures of his daughter’s royal birthday tea party hosted by Sarah Ferguson at Buckingham Palace and the Very Middleton Wimbledon with Carole and Pippa getting kicked out of the royal box for tardiness and Carole hitting up Roger Federer’s wife for extra tickets, the royal “magic” Prince Harry recently eluded to in his Newsweek interview is gone.  The humane thing would be to pull the plug.

The Cambridges arrived in Poland on a private jet.  According to the Annual Royal Household Annual Accounts that came out in the end of June, the private jet the Cambridges took to Paris for that so-called diplomatic mission cost UK taxpayers £20,000 so this trip will be a bit more.  Don’t worry, Poland, you’re getting screwed over, too, the security detail is unreal.

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Because Poland’s flag is white and red, the Cambridge’s arrival clothing broke somewhat from the traditional Team Cambridge Blue.  Kate wore a new white suit by Alexander McQueen which was beautiful on her, just like the several similar pieces she already owns. To represent the red in Poland’s flag, Kate went with a red Jenny Packham box clutch and a ruby and diamond necklace and earrings which got lost in her hair.  I haven’t been able to find anything on the new rubies, mostly because I barely looked, but they appear to be G. Collins and Sons to me.

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After the airport arrival, Kate and Prince William met with President Duda and the First Lady at the Presidential Palace in Warsaw and then went to the Warsaw Rising Museum where they met with vets.

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Not everyone was impressed by Kate, however.

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Then there was the Young Entrepreneur’s Reception and the Garden Party at The Orangery in honor of the Queen’s birthday. Again.  She’s still just 91, right?  It’s hard to keep track with all these celebrations.

Kate’s final wardrobe change was pretty tragic. The dress by Polish designer Gosia Baczynska looked like something George and Charlotte made on the plane with black marker, safety scissors and those white paper table coverings they have at kid-friendly restaurants.

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Kate’s evening updo was a little too Margaret Thatcher. The necklace was kinda cool, though.  I mean, I wouldn’t wear it, but I thought it was a nice way to visually call attention to the Madonna cone boobs.   Music’s where you find it.

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After more than six years of marriage, Kate still doesn’t know how to hold a wine glass.

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If you ever want to know how to do anything properly, just watch the Queen.

Of course, Kate drinking wine (which I assume she did instead of just holding it) blows away my theory she is already pregnant.  Not that a few sips of wine would hurt a fetus, but I suspect she’d be sticking to water.  Interestingly, the subject of more babies did come up when she was given a gift for a newborn (I guess I’m not the only one who thought she might be pregnant).

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Perhaps one day Prince George and Princess Charlotte will have another sibling taxpayers will only see at Trooping the Colour and tours abroad.

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Still No Order in Kate’s Court

On Wednesday, the British Royal Family hosted a state banquet in honor of Spain’s visiting royals, King Felipe and Queen Letizia.

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Queen Letizia, in a red evening gown and Fleur de Lys tiara, full of elegance, poise and confidence, walked into the ballroom like she owned the place.

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Kate Middleton in a pale dusty pink Marchesa and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara, walked into the ballroom like she got separated from her Jane Austen Cosplay group and desperately needed to use the loo.

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Victoria Murphy’s article for the Mirror has lots of great photos.

Kate remains orderless more than six years into the whole duchessing thing.  The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor given to female working members of the family at Her Majesty’s discretion and Kate is the only working female royal without one.  Katharine, Duchess of Kent received hers during her first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  And Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  Considering how few engagements Kate does, perhaps the Queen isn’t aware that Kate is considered a working royal.

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For her sixth tiara outing, Kate went with the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara which infamously gave Princess Diana headaches, pairing it with Princess Diana’s Collingwood Pearl and Diamond Earrings.  Kate also wore a statement necklace on loan from the Queen which hasn’t been seen in quite some time, the King George VI and Queen Elizabeth Bandeau Necklace.

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Unlike many of Marchesa’s celebrity fashion victims, Kate chose to wear the brand on purpose.  The lace dress was a little bit bridal and a little bit OMG-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Kate.  I’m a little bit biased though because I don’t like Marchesa on anyone ever plus we’ve already seen so much lace on Kate, it’s clearly a cry for help, someone please get The Little Duchess Who Couldn’t  into fashion rehab.

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Kate’s matronly updo appears to be the work of Amanda Cook Tucker and Kate’s makeup looks like it was done by Skeletor.

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All artists paint themselves.

Kate was seated at the end, once again partially obscured by centerpieces.  And once again during the speeches, Kate appeared to be unfamiliar with the listening process, looking around to see what others were doing while the grown-ups talked.

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The state banquet was a first for Prince Harry who escorted the Marchioness of Cholmondeley into the ballroom and sat next to her for the evening.

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While there was no order in Kate’s court for the Spain state banquet, the courts of Wimbledon have been infested with Middletons.  With Kate now Wimbledon’s royal patron, Carole, Pippa and James have appeared a little extra smug with their royal boxiness.  While royal box seats are by invitation of the Chairman of the All England Club, clearly the Middletons are benefiting from their in-laws status. The Queen has done nothing, however, suggesting she is perfectly fine with the Middletons being the face of the modern monarchy.  Do you remember Princess Diana’s sisters?  Me neither.  But then again, they didn’t hire Posh Spice’s PR rep to keep them in the news.

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