The Yarn Doll Duchess

On Thursday, Kate Middleton had two events.  During the first, Kate met with former drug and alcohol addicts and screened three of the three minute short films from the Recovery Street Film Festival.  The second event was the screening of the film A Street Cat Named Bob about the journey of a homeless recovering addict and an injured stray cat as they rescue each other.

Kate wore a white dress by Self-Portrait, deep red Gianvito Rossi court shoes, a Mulberry Clutch and a poppy pin.

katestreetcatbob

Basically, Kate looked like she stood in front of a mirror, said “Bloody Mary” three times and then stole summoned ghost bitch’s look.

bloodymary

The wind appeared to be even more over Kate’s growing doily dress collection than the rest of us because it attempted to physically rip the dress off her body.  This still is screen grabbed from the video Emily Nash posted on Instagram.

kateredcarpetwind

According to one weather source, November weather happens every November in London.

novemberweather

The dress didn’t look much better indoors.  Kate looked like one of those yarn dolls.

yarndoll

It’s surprising the film’s star, Bob, didn’t take to Kate more, cats are supposed to like playing with yarn.

rp-katemeetsbob

Bob flicked his tail back and forth while Kate stroked the top of his head.  As anyone who speaks cat knows, that’s a feline warning sign that kitty is not in his happy place, cease and desist all activity or it’s about to go down.  Reportedly Kate asked Bob’s human if the feline film star was purring or growling.  To Bob’s credit, he resisted shredding the doily dress but he’ll have to work on throwing a proper diva tantrum if he hopes to make it in Hollywood.

redheart

signature-copy

Prince Harry’s Rumored New Squeeze

On Sunday, an actress few had ever heard of was served up by tabloids around the world as being romantically paired with the British Royal Family’s ginger dish.  Meghan Markle went from being an actress on a show no one watches but still somehow has approximately 2 million weekly viewers to Prince Harry’s rumored love interest with global outlets scrambling to provide more courses for the rumor-hungry masses.

Response to the royal gossip is why Disney fairytales should come with a warning that anyone who dares capture the heart of a prince will be publicly tried as a witch.  If she sinks, she’s obviously a gold digger and if she floats her boobs aren’t real.  Either way, no one smiles that much without having a couple of German kids baking in a gingerbread house so just dig up pictures of her in her underwear until a source can be found to supply a quote about milk going sour or someone suddenly feeling cold in her presence.

To me Meghan Markle seems like a good match for Prince Harry so I wasn’t prepared for all the negative comments hurled at her in comment sections of articles.  Most surprising was the blatant racism, a lot of flagging has gone down on social media and news site comment sections this week with Meghan’s fans patrolling her Instagram for vicious vitriol.  Commenters have found Meghan too old, too American, too divorced, too Catholic, too “unsuitable”, too “mixed breed”, too Koo Stark, too Fergie, too Angelina Jolie, too “fame hungry”.  For some she is too too.

dm-too

Granted, American divorcees don’t have the best history in the British Royal Family but beyond the risk of the occasional bleeding wall at Buckingham Palace and the Queen Mum’s ghost slamming back some ghost gin before noon, can the living really make a fuss when Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew have all had their I dos undone?

Unlike Europe’s most recent princess bride, Sofia Hellqvist, Meghan’s humanitarian efforts date back at least two years before meeting her prince so they aren’t part of some PR campaign to clean up her image.   Meghan can also deliver a solid speech and hold the attention of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, making her better at duchess duties than Kate Middleton and Meghan is merely a rumored girlfriend with a day job.

I’m sure the Royal Family would rather do without Meghan’s sexy underwear scenes in Suits but after five years of Commando Kate flashing her bum around the globe, maybe they find her character’s full-coverage knickers refreshing.

An interview with Meghan’s half-sister,  Samantha Grant, presented a version of Meghan that casts her in an unflattering light.  Samantha described Meghan as a “social climber” and princess-in-waiting who has fancied the ginger prince since childhood which makes her sound a little too Kate 2.0 for comfort.  According to an article in The Sun, when Meghan became famous, she didn’t provide the family with the emotional and financial support Samantha feels she should have.  According to Meghan’s half-sister, “The royal family would be appalled by what she’s done to her own family.  The truth would kill her relationship with Prince Harry.”

There was some confusion as to whether or not Samantha actually provided the quotes with some royal watchers claiming she never granted an interview.  Just going by Samantha Grant’s Twitter page, it seems she was saying she didn’t give interviews to individual papers that quoted her, not realizing initially they were recycling her original quotes.

samanthagranttweet

Of course, all families have their dysfunction and Samantha’s Twitter post suggests at least some of her remarks were edited in a manner to better fit the story.  Meghan’s mother laughed off requests for information about Meghan’s relationship with Prince Harry, saying she couldn’t talk about that and Meghan’s father has been unreachable in Mexico.  But in a bid to leave no stone unturned, the press is digging as far as it can into Meghan’s past with the Daily Mail excavating her 2014 Ice Bucket Challenge done with her rumored then-boyfriend, Rory McIlroy, a friendly tabloid reminder that Meghan has had relationships in the past with men who weren’t Prince Harry.  Trollop.

The expectations for a prince’s potential mate are evolving and it’s unlikely the Queen would say no should Harry ask for permission to marry Meghan at some point but will the relationship survive the court of public opinion?  No one has led a pristine life, but the press seems to be digging hard trying to hit dirt with Meghan Markle.  Is it because Prince Harry managed to keep this rumored romance under wraps for several months and they’re playing catch-up with a vengeance or is it because Meghan doesn’t fit any of the existing Disney princess templates?  Everyone deserves to be lucky in love but with such a rigorous screening process for the job of Princess Harry, what kind of applicants will even apply?  While all of this is unconfirmed speculation, the only thing I really care about is that whomever Prince Harry winds up with makes him happy.  It will probably be easier for him to find her if we don’t crowd around him asking him are we there yet.

redheart

signature-copy

The Duchess of Cambridge’s Deadly Poppy Field

Remember the scene from The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West nearly succeeds in offing Dorothy with the Deadly Field of Poppies?

poppyfieldoz

Well, McQueen has managed to capture that feeling of nearly dying in your sleep in a custom dress for Kate Middleton.  She wore it at a Buckingham Palace reception honoring Olympic and Paralympic athletes.

hellopoppydress

The print is from the 2017 Pre-Spring/Summer Collection.  Its original dress form is this:

mcqueenpoppydress

It also comes in a blouse.

mcqueenpoppyblouse

Sarah Burton likely realized the overdose potential of this poppy print and Kate should have just said no to it in this much fabric.  It’s so grandmotherly, it is possible the cut died of natural causes, but the toxicology report suggests foul play.  The Daily Mail article has lots of photos of the fashion crime scene.

An opium overdose at least seems like it would be a more peaceful way to go than the death-by-boredom the Cambridges are inflicting on royal-watchers.  I couldn’t even make it all the way through the Canada tour which was as exciting as looking at a neighbor’s vacation pics.  In Tom Sykes’ article What’s Wrong With William and Kate’s Tour of Canada? he discusses the global disinterest in a tour that fizzled before it even started.  Once again the Cambridge’s insisted on having their private events, shutting out a shrunken press pack for a wine tasting, a sail, and whatever else happened while I had nodded off.

As interest in the future king and queen consort wanes, the question remains, could Prince William and Kate possibly be this dull, or are they attempting to have the private lives with public figure perks they crave by boring the masses into a deep slumber?  Kate’s dress and hair so amped up with add-ons she looked like her own bobblehead doll suggest she wanted to stand out in a crowd of dark hues and normal-headed people, but maybe the Paper Doll Duchess just wants to be noticed on her own terms, when she’s packing poppies.

vm-kateinmcqueenpoppy

Fortunately for the Olympic and Paralympic Athletes at the Buckingham  Palace, Prince Harry followed behind Kate’s poppy field, so if anyone felt themselves glazing over from Kate’s small talk about George liking swimming, fencing and hockey and Charlotte already being an accomplished equestrian at 17 months, he could Glinda them right out of permanent sleep.  Not sure why gingers seem to get stuck with revival duties for the poppy-pickled, but long live Good King Harry because this whole Synchronized Head Tilt wouldn’t even qualify the Cambridges for the Feigned Interest competition at the Royal Olympics.

synchronizedheadtilt

redheart

signature-copy

 

 

The Green Goblin & Tight Trousers Strike Canada – Day 4

On Day 4, when Kate Middleton emerged for royal duties in Dolce & Gabbana, royal watchers anxiously waited to see if her dress had the design’s enormous hideous giant pocket watch patch.

re-dgdress

Thankfully, Kate avoided the Atlantic City-style Alice in Wonderland embellishment, leaving William’s short and overtly snug trousers as the day’s most visually surreal clothing element.

ubcarrival

Seriously, I am so tired of seeing Prince William’s khaki penis whiskers.  Don’t look too closely if you feel like you’re going to throw up a little in your mouth, but one of his balls is being squeezed like a pimple and that can’t be comfortable.

tighttrousers

The color of Kate’s dress was a very royal tour shade of green, known to everyone who has almost choked  to death  from car freshener fumes in the back of a taxi cab as Royal Pine.

royalshade

I put a red vertical line over this screen grab to illustrate what a disservice Kate does to herself with her quest to over-tailor everything to the point of constriction because she doesn’t think that we get yet that she’s skinny.  The askew buttons ruined the front of her £2,000 designer frock.

katebuttonsaskew

The poorly fitted 1940s-style dress made me wonder if Kate also shares my dream of a full-out 1990s Kinderwhore revival, but Kate’s choice of sedate nude LK Bennett court shoes and clutch made me realize with great sadness that the only figure from 1993 Kate will ever channel is Married… with Children bank manager Marcy D’Arcy, not Courtney Love.

Not that we were ever going to see plastic poodle barrettes and heroin needles poking out out of Kate’s extensions anyway, but ffs, sex this thing up a little.  Between Kate’s so-called wardrobe malfunctions, Prince William’s ball floss trousers and two children, we know they’re anatomically correct and likely use their genitals, Kate could go a little naughty with the shoes or bag.  Maybe even a berry-stained lip.  Just something to hint her next patronage won’t be at the Celibacy Library where every book is filled with only pure thoughts.

The first half of the day’s events were spent in Kelowna, British Columbia where they watched a volleyball game at the University of British Columbia.  Grand Chief Stewart Phillip was set to attend but pulled out last-minute again, renewing his protest and was replaced by Chief Jonathan Kruger at the event.  The Cambridges gathered up more gifts and worked the crowd according to this Emily Nash Tweet.

en-ubc

Huh, so they do “work”.  Then the Green Goblin and Tight Trousers headed to a food tasting festival at Mission Hill Winery where they ate some penis clam.  Raw.

penisclam

Yeah, when I first saw these things at a market in Seattle, I just assumed they were for some kind of black magic rituals to hex ex-boyfriends.  They’re actually even more traumatizingly flesh-colored once washed off and are supposed to be delicious, just unfortunate looking, but no.  Just no.

I do like to call attention to the positive and Prince William genuinely did seem at times to want to create memorable moments yesterday with those who had gathered which is the closest thing I can find for a point for these types of  events so well done, Tight Trousers.

ea-williamsitting

While the Cambridges cut some pinot noir grapes, there was no mention in the press about a proper wine tasting, just that Kate drank cassis and passed on the whiskey.  (UPDATE: According to reader and area resident, Arlene, they did do a private wine-tasting, no press was allowed though.)  Then they flew up to Whitehorse in the  Yukon where it was unreasonably cold for September.  When I Googled temps at 2:45pm EST, it was 34°F (1°C).

Kate slipped on a Hobbs coat and carried a maple leaf tartan scarf.  At the airport, they were greeted by Canadian Rangers and Junior Rangers.  The Lone Ranger was a no-show.

yukonarrival

Then they headed to the Kwanlin Dun Cultural Centre to watch some performances.

Day 5 is already underway so with only three more days to go, this tour might wind up being historically noteworthy as the first official royal tour Kate has pulled off without having a significant wardrobe malfunction.  34-year-old duchesses grow up so fast.

redheart

signature-copy

 

Days 2 & 3 of the Canada Tour

The Cambridge’s Canada tour is even more lackluster than the India/Bhutan tour which is why I’m grouping Days 2 & 3 together, it’s hardly worth putting energy into it when the total combined fucks given by Prince William and Kate Middleton can’t even be seen by the naked eye. The only thing that seems remotely funny about the lack of effort the touring royals are putting into this for the crowds is the statement Kensington Palace Tweeted on Saturday.

meetingpeople

I know, right?  I’m keeping that one on the Desktop, I think it will deliver laughs for years to come.

On Sunday, Prince William  and Kate Middleton undertook a series of events in Vancouver which were overshadowed by Prince William’s admission he hadn’t bothered to read the notes given to him along with epic hideousness of Kate’s £4,000 ($5,200 in USD) Alexander McQueen dress  that was so ugly, it left an aftertaste.  This thing had a late 60s bathroom wallpaper pattern, an early 70s young miss bodice cut, an eyelet lace ruffle, and two tiers of tragic that looked like they wanted to be the bottom of Xena Warrior Princess’ leathers.

re-alexandermcqueen

Amazingly, Kate had no recorded flashes, although in Twitter pics, there was various puckering from the bodice being too tight and at one point, her skirt started creeping up in the back.

kateshem

Kate paired that f.u. to fashion with a £640 red Miu Miu bag and red Hobbs court shoes.

Photo ops for the Cambridges on Monday included visits to Sheway which helps mothers and pregnant women struggling with addiction and other issues, Immigration Services Society of B.C. where they met with Syrian refugees, a reception for young leaders in  arts, sports and business, and the Kitsilano Coastguard Station where they met with emergency responders and social workers.  The day netted an impressive haul of gifts for the Cambridges.

georgecharlottelifevests

Richard Palmer revealed that at Sheway, Prince William missed the connection between the charity and his mother’s work with Women’s Reproductive Maternity Service in Glasgow, admitting he hadn’t gotten through his notes yet.  Richard Palmer also wrote an article about William’s not being prepared for the event.

richardpalmerbriefingnotes

The events with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his wife, Sophie, just further highlighted how unprepared Prince William and Kate are not only as public figures, but as adults in general.

ea-immigration

Sophie Grégoire Trudeau has the presence of a woman confidant and secure with her role as a public figure and there’s just something so warm an welcoming about Justin Trudeau.  And I’m not just saying that because he’s got great hair.

trudeaugreetingchief

While crowds have been turning up for these events, not all were royal supporters.  Some gatherers dragged along a guillotine and dressed up as henchman, bringing cosplay to their Cambridge criticism which just highlights how much I’m half-assing it here.

eaguillotine

Rather hardcore for Canada.  Up until Sunday, this had been known  as the rowdiest protest ever in the Great White North:

canadariot

On Monday, Prince William and Kate were welcomed by Heiltsuk First Nation  in Bella Bella, the Cambridges received more gifts, then Prince William delivered a speech to mark the inclusion of the Great Bear Rainforest in the Queen’s Commonwealth Canopy.  Wearing a Holland Holland jacket, Zara jeggings, her Chilvers boots and Pippa Small earrings, Kate was in a mood.

re-bellabella

Here are the Faces of Kate from all of Monday’s engagements (click on it for a larger version).

mondayfacesofkate

To me it looked like Kate’s desire to be anywhere but the rain  forest dipped even further when William whispered something in her ear during the Bella Bella welcome ceremony.  From the wounded expression on her face, I imagine it was something along the lines of “Jeggings suck!” or “So, Angelina’s single and you’re tedious…”  Maybe Kate was plotting a nip slip for this tour and William told her absolutely nothing above the waist, those were harder to try to explain to Granny.

Because of the rain which weirdly fell at the rain forest, a couple of the events were canceled but Emily Andrews Tweeted some pics of what they missed.

ea-rainforest

On Twitter, @Peppersmint noted the canceled events had still found their way in the Court Circular though.  Maybe the Cambridges did other fun holiday stuff on their own so they figured close enough.

peppersmintcc

More than one member of the press in attendance Tweeted the existential joke, “What am I doing here?”

ea-whatamidoinghere

Unfortunately, Kate rarely utters even a quotable sound-bite, preferring to contribute as little as possible to these events so clothing has to be the focus.  It’s been five years, maybe we should let Google know her profession isn’t Philanthropist, it’s Mostly-Retired Long-Waisted Catalogue Model.

kateoccupation

Later at a reception at the Government House, Kate still looked a bit glassy-eyed in her red Preen Finella dress.

eapreen

Kate clutched Jenny Packham this go-round and there was a second appearance by the Maple Leaf brooch.  So again, Kate doesn’t seem to have packed any tour bling beyond a host country brooch, rewearing instead her £130.00 Soru Jewellry earrings, I guess because either she couldn’t find a pair of matching cigarette butts or George wouldn’t let her borrow the glitter glue.

soruearrings

The events had the looming spectre of a snub by one of the chiefs who opted out of  the Black Rod ceremony in protest of what he felt was a charade  due to  the treatment of his people by the Canadian government.  There’s a great article about it by Richard Palmer in Express.

Today Prince William and Kate will have four photo op events, one of which will involve wine tasting so there will be more opportunities to alienate the public with his uttered gaffes and her stony silence.

redheart

signature-copy

 

La Vie En Bleu

On Saturday just shy of 4pm, the Cambridge’s plane landed in Victoria, kicking off their eight day Canadian tour, the cost of which is born by the host company.  Prince William and Kate’s 2011 Canada Tour came in around $1.2 million for taxpayers.

Even before the Cambridges touched down, Twitter revealed that no matter where the new royal tours go, the same old frustrations still exist.

emilyandrewsbehindthescene

Really, that’s how the Palace want to kick off the tour?  Ticking off the skilled professionals who use their talents to paint the Cambridges in a more interesting hue in the global media?  This group who climbed into shuttles to meet the Cambridge Quartet at the airport?

chrisjacksonworldmedia

The littlest royals were spotted peaking out of the craft ahead of the official arrival.  I imagine Prince George turned to the staff and said, “Nope.  Shut it down.”

princegeorgecharlotteinwindow

Weather at the time of the landing was overcast and in the upper 50s.

tourforcast

The Cambridges wore blue because no other colors exist for them anymore, they have adopted the hue as their official  team color.  Kate was in Jenny Packham, a Lock & Co hat and wore the Maple Leaf Brooch, on loan from the Queen.

hellocanadastairs

It was Kate’s best arrival look to date and was fitted which avoided flashing.  Kate’s Jenny Packham shade was slightly more sophisticated than the Smurf Blue she’s been favoring during her Blue Period.  She managed to make it down the stairs in nude heels, carrying Charlotte and holding George’s hand when the steps proved a bit steep for his little legs.

Kate tried to create cute kid moments but looked like the socially awkward adult at parties who targets the family cat and winds up clutching poor Fluffy like Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Kate’s attentions were focused on trying to get Charlotte to wave and squatting down in front of George in a rather unregal manner instead of interacting with the adults who waited around on a tarmac to greet them such as the Prime Minister and the Governor General.

chrisjacksoncharlottewave

It appears the Windsor is already coming out in Charlotte who looks to me like she will resemble Princess Eugenie.

eugenie

George managed to get off a royal wave but was more interested in a Sea King that was landing nearby so no paternity test is needed.

The royal convoy then made a quick trip to the Government House.

According to the royal correspondents on Twitter, approximately 10,000 people gathered to welcome the Cambridges to Victoria.  Unfortunately for those who were waiting, Prince William and Kate were running late so staff gathered up the bouquets instead.

staffbouquets

Prince William and Kate laid a wreath in honor of Canada’s fallen soldiers and shook hands with select military personnel.

As part of the welcome ceremony, Prime Minister Trudeau and Prince William gave speeches. The reception Prime Minister Trudeau received suggests he was a large part of the event’s draw, he received louder cheers than the Cambridges.

trudeaucheers

William attempted a line in French, sheepishly admitting his French was “rusty”.  As someone who hasn’t had a chance to speak French often over the last few years, I would describe mine as rusty, Prince William’s French was a linguistic massacre.  I died a little inside.  In lieu of flowers or donations, please send Chanel.

At the end of the welcome ceremony, Kate accepted flowers and the couple headed to the Government House for a photo op with the Trudeaus.  While Sophie Trudeau is touted as a fashion icon, I can’t be supportive of the Duchess of York style shoulder bows on her Edition de Robe dress, discordant eggplant Saucy milliner hat (which  I love on its own) and plastic and suede court shoes.

trudeauphotoop

But at least it wasn’t blue.  Picasso’s infamous Blue Period marked a time of severe depression and despair in his life between the years of 1901 and 1904.  Kate’s been hitting the blue hard lately.  Hopefully she is okay and the observation that if she loses those pesky last 20 grams of spinal cord, she’ll finally obtain her goal of being just a floating head isn’t in poor taste.  Normally it would be irregardless, but given her pre-wedding comment about her concerning weight loss being “all part of the plan”, I suspect Kate would find it the nicest compliment I’ve ever paid her.

redheart

signature-copy

Mental Health by Mattel

After holidaying at Balmoral with the Queen, Prince William and Kate Middleton returned to duty with an appearance at Stewards Academy in Essex which participates in the Place2Be program.

While Kate is the royal patron of Place2Be, there is unfortunately not much to discuss about the Paper Doll Duchess beyond her outfit.  The speech was given by Prince William and Kate made no comments deemed noteworthy by the press.  The conversation contributions Kate did manage were hard to hear and based on her hand gestures seemed like they were probably pamphlet parroting (she makes air circles when she regurgitates material).

At Friday’s event, Kate debuted a $2,150 (£1,728) dress by Altuzarra.

altuzarraaimee

At first glance, I thought the 1930s-inspired dress had a black and white pill pattern, but alas, it was abstract dots.  Kate accessorized it into sedation with her usual LK Bennett nude court shoes and Nina box clutch combo.  Given that the cut of the dress with its yoke and button-down front has a vintage housedress feel, she really needed to take it in a different direction with the accessories.  The dress cried out for a belt on her and Kate loves to belt dresses so I’m not really sure where cinching breakdown occurred.  And if Kate really feels strongly about wearing a court shoe, I wish she would at least go with one that doesn’t look like a leather lobotomy like this Paul Andrew Ayla pump.

paulandrewpump

Even though Kate has a runway figure, she always sticks with the same fashion formula: dress + pumps + clutch =  wake me when it’s over.  I would have loved  to see something other than the same old, maybe over the knee boots and a top knot bag.  This is a glorious time for accessories from Chanel pearls to the revival of kinderwhore Mary Janes, leather bags with chains and candy-colored faux fur scarves.  Designers like Saint Laurent have left no woman behind in their fall collections.  And for all of the duchess’ McQueen,  how does she not have these gloves?  How do I not have these gloves?

mcqueengloves

Kate’s Altuzarra dress had a sexed-up high side slit that was tamed by some tailoring but she still managed to show off some of her legs with long strides upon arrival, which was really the only time I noticed she came with bendable joints.

ea-royalpins

Otherwise Kate’s body language seemed rigid throughout the two hour engagement  suggesting she was even more  uncomfortable than usual.  In candid pics, Kate looked like she had been bent into  poses meant to mimic animation during the product shoot and was in danger of tipping over.

re-stewards

With her doll hair, Kate basically looked like Mental Health Midge, a member of Barbie’s squad who, according to the box, cares how you feel, leather couch, framed diploma and prescription pad sold separately.

While William and Kate were doing their greetings, the Vice Lord Lieutenant, Jonathan Douglas-Hughes, took a tumble.  The Daily Mail has a video.  Compassionate Kate was so worried about the welfare of the 72-year-old man, her reaction was to turn her back to him and attempt to resume her conversation with her hand on her chest to convey surprise by the disruption and possibly concern.  Once Kate realized all of the attention was on the man sprawled out on the pavement, she then turned back again and took a couple of awkward steps towards him and stopped as Prince William and others helped him up.  Fortunately, the man was just embarrassed and did not appear to be injured beyond needing an ice pack for his wrist, although hopefully he was looked at by a medical professional.

en-stewards

Prince William and Kate attended an assembly at which selected students highlighted some of the issues they face with changes in their lives.  Despite Place2Be being Kate’s charity, Prince William was the voice at the event, providing sound bites and a speech during which he admitted to having the jitters which had a humanizing effect and seemed to put everyone at ease.

Based on how uncomfortable Kate appears at events focusing on mental health, I’m not sure this is the cause for her.  It doesn’t exactly help destigmatize mental health issues when the charity’s patron doesn’t look like she wants to be there and decides to pass along speaking responsibilities to her husband.  I mean, Prince William doesn’t ask her to pretend to be a pilot, she should be able to step up to the podium.  Allegedly at the launch of the Heads Together campaign, Kate was the only one slated to speak but she decided last minute she couldn’t do it so the speech was divided up with Princes William and Harry delivering the bulk of the content.  A forum comment I randomly stumbled across mentions organizers were left scrambling two hours before the event to find additional podiums and microphones:

headstogetherspeech

While Kate has always struggled with public speaking, she seems either less willing or less able to perform one of her major job requirements when it comes to the Heads Together campaign.  If mental health doesn’t interest her or makes her feel uncomfortable, it is too important a cause to have its Palace-professed champion attempt to convey the message that mental health issues are something everyone should feel comfortable talking about while remaining silent.

redheart

signature-copy

Prince Alexander’s Christening

On Friday, Prince Alexander Erik Hubertus Bertil, Duke of Södermanland, son of Prince Carl Philip and Sofia Hellqvist, was christened at the Drottningholm Palace Chapel.

The godparents for the fifth in line to the throne are: Crown Princess Victoria, Victor Magnuson (Prince Carl Philip’s cousin), Jan-Åke Hansson (Prince Carl Philip’s friend and best man), Lina Frejd (Sofia’s sister) and Cajsa Larsson (Sofia’s friend).

At just four and a half months old, Prince Alexander seems to be ballin’.   He’s already been on two international  holidays, the first to Spain and the second to the south of  France and  has spent time at the track to watch his father race.

princealexanderrace

He even did it in a sun-and-paparrazi-shielding bucket hat with a swallow design that is popular for tattoos.   I bet even his binky is badass.

alexsparrowhat

I don’t spend a lot of time around tiny humans but Prince Alexander seems  pretty advanced for just four and a half months.  I’m pretty sure he’s sitting on an ace-high straight flush in this photo released ahead of his baptism.

prebaptismphoto

On Friday at the Drottningholm Palace Chapel christening ceremony, Prince Alexander looked like he was making some after-after-party plans with his cousin, Prince Oscar.

oscaralex

For the littlest prince’s baptism, Sofia pulled a Kate Middleton and matched her attire to the christening gown which caused  the predictable photographic challenges.

princealexandergodparents

Not only is finding Prince Alexander in group photos like playing Where’s Waldo, White Lace Edition, in some of the pics it created a spectral glow.

spectralglow

Sofia’s lace ensemble was custom made by Ida Sjöstedt, the same designer who created  her wedding gown.  The floral elements in the chapel for Prince Alexander’s christening (photos can be seen in the Daily Mail’s piece) were the same color scheme as Prince Carl Philip’s and Sofia’s wedding so it’s possible Sofia was intentionally referencing a bridal look with the white lace dress and center-parted updo which was very similar to how she wore her hair on her wedding day.

It was a big day for Prince Alexander who also received the Order of  the Seraphim.   Traditionally, the Order of the Seraphim wasn’t awarded until a member of the royal family turned 18, but the youngest generation  of Swedish royal babies have all received theirs during baptism.  It seems strange to give Sweden’s most prominent honor to an infant… it’s almost sends the message that they’re special by virtue of their bloodline and will be handed things without merit.   Okay, so that’s basically being royal in a nutshell, but it’s also the antithesis  of Sweden’s beliefs.  Perhaps that’s why the Order of the Seraphim is now given as part of  the baptism package, the Swedish Royal Family is unsure if there will still be a Swedish Royal Family when its youngest members turn eighteen.  Prince Alexander tried  to eat his newly acquired order proving he may just be wise beyond his months.

redheart

signature-copy

 

 

Cornwall Tour Light

On Thursday, Prince William and Kate Middleton began a two day mini tour of Cornwall and the Isles of Scilly, staying at the historic 16th century Restormel Manor in Lostwithiel on Thursday night.  This Tour Light is the Cambridge’s first official visit to Cornwall which will one day give them millions of reasons to stick with the royaling.  The Duchy of Cornwall presently provides Prince Charles with approximately £20million in annual income and will pass to William when Charles gets kinged.

For Day 1, Kate wore a Lela Rose dress (initially sold for $1,295) which has the same cut as most of her dresses in the same shade of PMS pink as the McQueen pieces she debuted in Adelaide.  This isn’t Kate’s first Lela Rose dress, the US designer also made the white doily dress Kate wore to the reception hosted by Australia’s Governor General.  Kate’s accessories with this pink dress underwhelmed with her Kiki McDonough earrings getting lost in her hair and the beige Monsoon wedges receiving the brunt of the criticism.  Wedge dismay appeared in the top ten highest rated comments of the Daily Mail piece on the first day of the tour.

DMWedges1

DMWedges2

Throughout the day’s events, Kate’s fingers frequently retreated into her hair sparking critical comments on social media while Kate’s rapid fire facial expression rotation left me with second-hand TMJ.  Kate appeared to be on stage  in a summer improv class with an instructor commanding her, “You’re sad.   You’re a sad tree.  You’re Howdy Doody.  You’re Howdy Doody telekinetically making soup with too much parsley.  Now you’re a spider monkey.  You’re a sexy spider monkey.  You’re a sexy tree that just ate a sad spider monkey.”  No smile was too big to fake, no sympathetic head tilt too steep to make.  Just some of the many Faces of Kate on Thursday:

FacesofKate

If only Kate cared as much about her posture as her exaggerated expressions.  The last person with this much of a hunched back lived in a bell tower:

KateSlouching

It can’t be comfortable to sit like that.  She looks like she has a turtle head poking out of a pink shell.

Arriving by helicopter on Thursday, the Cambridges started off the Cornwall tour-ette with a stop at Truro Cathedral where they signed a slate for their £3.2 new roof campaign.

Afterwards, they went on a royal walkabout.

ArrivalNotKP

Kensington Palace naturally went with a photo on Twitter where the crowd was a little denser.  No wonder they want royal reporting to become an extinct profession, they aren’t drawing the same kind of crowds anymore, although there was much more of a turn-out in Cornwall than at recent events.

ArrivalKP

Prince William and Kate hit another drop-in centre, the Zebs Youth Centre  which provides local adults-to-be with creative outlets.  After a tour, both Prince William and Kate admitted it took a long time to figure out what they wanted to be when they grow up.

VictoriaMurphyWilliamKateTookAWhile

Strange remarks considering Prince William has had that future king gig on hold for him and Kate seems pretty fixed on a life of doing as much nothing as humanly possible.

Prince William and Kate headed to Healeys Cyder Farm which is celebrating its 30th Anniversary.

EAHealeyArrival

Kate passed on the cider but did take a small sip of whiskey suggesting she is probably not presently pregnant despite her small B Cups looking like they got a visible boost.  I guess sometimes good bras happen to lazy duchesses.

EmilyAndrewsKateDrinkingWhiskey

Kate also got hands-on with a horse, putting to rest horse allergy rumors.  The rumor traces back to Kate herself at a polo match during the Waitying Years.  When Australian writer Kathy Lette asked Kate why she didn’t play, Kate retorted that she was allergic.  Unaware that Kate was on a royal girlfriend high horse, Kathy took Kate’s cold brush-off at face value and repeated her remarks.  Horses got back at Kate during the royal wedding, though.  Reportedly several of the horses were unusually difficult to handle that day with one horse throwing its rider near the carriage and making a break for it, spooking Kate in the process.  But on Thursday when the Duchess of Cambridge met Duchess the horse, there appeared to be no hard feelings.

EmilyAndrewsHorses

They checked out development projects in Nansledan and Tregunnel Hill before wrapping the day up on Newquay’s Towan Beach.

I’m sure it was a total coincidence the royal press pack was left to wait for William and Kate’s arrival at the water’s edge with the tide rising.

VMHighTide

The Cambridges met with the group Young People Cornwall Wave Project which uses surfing to promote mental well-being.

KPSurfing

At the photo-op, the Cambridges went with I’m-not-a-regular-Mom-I’m-a-cool-Mom gnarly hand gestures.  Somewhere Prince George and Princess Charlotte instinctively shuddered and died a little inside.

EmilyNashBeach

What makes it an even more cringe-worthy photo is the placement of Kate’s other hand.  She looks like she’s diddling Miss Daisy, tickling her ivories, dancing with herself…

Despite there being much to criticize, there were also moments where the Cambridges seemed to have genuine moments with people sincerely excited about seeing them.

PrinceWilliamStarWarsChat

That’s what I find so frustrating about Prince William and Kate.  They are both capable of performing their duties and giving people wonderful memories they will carry with them throughout their lives.   How can anyone capable of providing flickers of happy or at least a little brightness in the lives of others merely by showing up resist engagements and hole up in the Fortress of Solitude?  Hopefully whatever they decided they want to be when they grow up will involve performing their duties and serving those who support the monarchy.

redheart

signature-copy

 

The Return of Synchronized Royaling

On Wednesday, Prince William and Kate Middleton returned from a month long break looking positively lifelike while engaged in synchronized royaling with three events in Luton.

At Youthscape, Prince William and Kate chatted with youths who I guess were at risk for not speaking with a duke and duchess that day and somehow it helped.  At the very least, the visit was newsworthy for the unlikeliest of reasons.

EAHoldFrontPage

My  cursory search yielded little on Youthscape other than it being a drop-in centre, but there are sweets and video games there so whatever it is exactly, it has to be good.

PAImages

At Keech Hospice which is celebrating its 25th Anniversary, the crowd greeting the Cambridges looked a bit thin with no school children to pull from classes for flag-waving.

KeechHospiceJennifer

Interestingly, the crowd pic of the Cambridges leaving which was posted on Twitter by @KensingtonRoyal appeared significantly more filled-out than the arrival, so maybe a casting call went out for crowd extras or maybe the masses just get more excited by their departure and feel its worth lining up for.

KeechHospiceLeaving

Both Prince William and Kate continued to look chillaxed at Keech Hospice.  This is the first time I’ve seen Prince William hold a knife and not been secretly worried he’d turn and use it on the press.

KeechHospiceCake

Crazy, right?  Rebecca English even got close enough on Wednesday at the first  engagement to take these pics of Prince William without spooking him.

RENattyJacket

Watching the events unfold on Twitter, I started wondering if the Cambridges were stoned or if I was stoned or if we collectively as a society were stoned.

At Keech Hospice, Prince William had moments of humanity and compassion that made me like him more.

REHospice

Normally those who have dealt with terrible tragedy are the ones who look like they’re  trying to put Prince William at ease about having to be there.   But to Prince William’s credit, he attempted to pull a Prince Harry and be all human and stuff.

KPKeechHospice

I  mean, obviously he’s no Prince Harry but Prince William did well considering he’s not used to the whole being all human and stuff thing.

At  the third event of the day, Prince William and Kate presented the Queen’s Award for Enterprise to Hayward Tyler.

HaywardTylerRE

It looked pretty Dullsville so I didn’t pay much attention but it’s supposed to be a prestigious award.

On Thursday, Prince William and Kate looked less chillaxed than the previous day at a YoungMinds visit.  YoungMinds provides hotline support to parents whose children have mental health issues.  Prince William and Kate met with volunteers and listened in on some of the calls.

REYoungMinds

While Kate provided the sartorial interest, it was Prince William’s comments that dominated the press.

RESoundBites

During the YoungMinds engagement, Prince William admitted he had feels.

RPWillsFeels

I can relate.

KarenWalkerCan'ttalk

In writing about these events, I often struggle to find the point.   While visits from the Cambridges do get  the charity names in the papers to be read and quickly forgotten, it seems the same level  of awareness  could easily be obtained if they were photographed wearing a t-shirt with the charity’s name.   This  last  event seems unnecessarily invasive for those who use the hotline.  If I called somewhere for help, I would be very upset to discover that Prince William and Kate were possibly listening in as  part of  an official royal engagement, it would feel like a betrayal of confidentiality and privacy that would make me hesitate to reach out again for help.   Can anyone just listen in like that?   I really hope callers were made aware their conversations were being listened to and used for educational purposes.  Additionally, while  Prince William’s statements about feeling emotional do humanize and create empathy for him, they also make it seem like some of the issues faced by those who call the hotline might be too great of a burden for some volunteers.   A  lot of people don’t reach out for help because they have reached a state of hopelessness where they don’t want to burden others with the issues that are dragging them down while conversely others feel their struggles are too insignificant to bother others with.  All mental health issues are equally important just as all people are equally important.

These past two days of engagements undoubtedly benefitted Prince William’s image but still leave me questioning the ultimate impact on the charities.

redheart

signature-copy