All posts by lovelolaheart

Princess Eugenie’s Engagement

On Monday, Buckingham Palace announced that Princess Eugenie will wed her boyfriend of seven years, Jack Brooksbank, in autumn of this year at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor.

PA-Eugenie

The engagement ring is a padparadscha sapphire surrounded by diamonds.

EugenieRing

The engagement happened in Nicaragua earlier in the month.  Eugenie’s mother, Sarah, Duchess of York, responded with an appropriate level of decorum on social media. Just kidding, she went totally bonkers.  It’s like her brain melted and whatever random words weren’t lost in the fire were attached to pictures of her daughter and future son-in-law.

Sarah1

The first Tweet included this curious line.  “I am so excited to have a son, a brother and a best friend.”  Um, members of the royal family don’t do the super-incestous thing anymore where sons are also brothers.  Eugenie and Jack are supposedly third cousins twice removed which is really the closest any Windsor wants to get to his or her own bloodline otherwise the kids could be born chasing their own tails.  And is Sarah really going to stake best friend claims on her daughter’s fiance the day of their engagement announcement?  I mean, at least wait until #NationalBestFriendsDay to snake her squeeze.

For the second Tweet, Sarah noted, “I always say that the river flows well to it’s destiny because of the guidance of a solid rock.”  In addition to the grammatical error, the message isn’t entirely clear.  Is Sarah congratulating herself for being the rock that guided her daughter, the river, to her destiny, Jack?  If it’s destiny, then why does the stream need the rock if it was going to happen anyway?  Is it maybe a shout-out to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?  We may never know.

Sara3

Sarah followed up with another photo of the couple captioned with, “They float with laughter and love… although a boat helps!”

Sara2

Anyone with a basic grasp of physics knows laughter and love have nothing to do with why a person floats in water, it comes down to body composition or because he or she is a witch.

Sarah followed up that Tweet with another that said, “They make laughter and we feel the joy… thank you for the magic.”

Sara4

Magic?  Yup, Sarah just outed her daughter and future son-in-law as witches.  And she wasn’t even done.

Sarah5

Wait, what?  That’s one dizzying carousel ride of pronouns.  And I hope the engaged couple signed off on that photo of Eugenie riding Jack like a horsey before Sarah shared it with the world.

The Daily Mail reported that Sarah was supposed to have an interview with the BBC but it was  canceled.  I’m just going to assume the Queen called the zoo and asked if they could have someone swing by Sarah’s and hit her with whatever tranquilizers they use when tigers escape.

In my experience, someone always goes off their rocker when planning a wedding.  Considering how loony tunes Sarah went with her own wedding arrangements, Eugenie won’t even have the option of the crazy one being her.  The British Royal Family may want to consider having a zoo attendant with a van full of tranquilizers on stand-by for the whole family because she’s baaaaaaack.  Sarah Ferguson is the mother of the bride.

Prince Andrew did talk to reporters on Monday, stating, “I can’t speak for the duchess but we… and for Beatrice… we are overjoyed that Eugenie and Jack have got engaged.”  How into being a royal do you have to be to refer to your own ex-wife and mother of your children as “the duchess”?  I mean, I know it’s technically correct, it just struck me as a bit odd conversationally, but it’s probably just me.

The Duke and Duchess of York may have their flaws, but no one could ever accuse them of not loving their daughters and wanting what’s best for them.  Jack and Eugenie seem very happy together and I hope they have a blissful road ahead.  For the sake of their sanity, I recommend eloping, but otherwise congratulations!

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

Cardiff

Oh dear, it’s worse than I thought. Meghan Markle has crazy eyes.

CrazyEyes1

CrazyEyes2

Crazy eyes are practically mandatory for marrying into the British Royal Family since Princess Diana joined The Firm.  Back in July, I pointed out the set on Kate Middleton which tend to happen when Prince William is paying attention to her whereas Meghan’s crazy eyes occur when she is gazing at the love of her life, the camera.

Day4CrazyEyes

Find someone who looks at you the way Meghan Markle looks at a camera. I really ship these two.

CameraReady

I’m not the only one to notice the illicit affair Meghan is carrying out with the lens right under Harry’s nose:

cameralove

I guess it wouldn’t be a Windsor wedding unless there were three in the marriage.

On Thursday, Prince Harry and Meghan traveled to Wales where they did a walk-about, toured Cardiff Castle and visited the StarHub community centre.  They were over an hour late due to a train delay for which Meghan apologized with one of her exaggerated expressions straight from the Kate Middleton School of Over-Emulating Human Emotion.

meghandelay

Meghan needs a master class, though.  Her apology expression and humbly overwhelmed expression are almost indiscernible (red arrows by moi).

MeghanFakeSincerity

It may have been good enough for Suits, but taxpayers expect more.  I mean they rarely get it from the Royal Family but they do still expect it.

Meghan’s choice of attire proved controversial with the Daily Mail going so far as to claim, “Never has one outfit been designed to send so many messages”.  Is Meghan really using clothing to convey secret non-verbal communication?  That kinda sounds like something a tinfoil hat-wearing stalker would say to the police to explain what he was doing lurking in the bushes in a suit made of Velcro with duct tape roll bracelets and a bag full of kitty litter.  But then again, it is the Daily Mail so…
dm-meghancardiff

I guess the Stella McCartney coat which resembles a robe and Meghan’s messy bun do sort of say “Fuck you, I want to be home in my jammies” but that’s basically my default mood so I’m not going to cast stones over that one.

Okay, maybe just one stone, really a pebble. With Meghan constantly brushing her hair away and touching her face at the last two engagements, she looks like she desperately wants someone to call her a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

manicpixiedreamgirl

In addition to the messy bun, traditionalists were pearl-clutching over Meghan’s shoulder-revealing Theory top, her Hiut Denim jeans and mismatched earrings.

re-meghancardiff

I’m sorry, but after you’ve seen the Duchess of Cambridge prancing around in violently tight Heimlich Maneuver jeggings and the two tight-trousers princes showing off their pocket rockets, a pair of black denim jeans and a little extra shoulder isn’t that big of an eyebrow-raiser.  The bar has been set so low it’s now just a crevice in the Boulevard of Broken Protocol.  Granted Meghan’s attire wouldn’t fly in most offices except for maybe on Casual Friday, but I find Meghan and Harry’s hand-holding and whispering to each other during official engagements to be more unprofessional than some exposed clavicle.  The lovey-dovey demonstrative displays of these first engagements are a bit too much, they’re at work.  At any job, if you engaged in similar behavior with your significant other while on the clock, you’d probably be called into HR for a meeting about it because even if the boss gave you a pass, you know Janice from Accounts Receivable would say something.

Meghan appeared at ease chatting with the gathered crowd.

rookie-cardiff

For one fan, she wrote “Hi Kaitlin” on her pad, an action the press identified as a protocol-breaking autograph.  Since Meghan didn’t sign her name, I’m a little foggy as to why it would be a violation of a royal rule by someone who isn’t even royal yet, but judging by all the fuss, Caitlin can now take over the world with that scribbled greeting so hopefully she will only use her powers for good.

HiKaitlin

Thus far, Meghan’s introduction to the Royal Family just seems like a reboot of the Fergie Years.  I’ve already watched this program and it wasn’t that great the first time around, plus I don’t have a lot of faith in this cast.

I do hope that Prince Harry and Meghan live a long blissfully happy life together and that she flourishes in her royal role but between the velocity of this relationship and Meghan’s crocodile smile, I can’t help but think the royal couple are like Tick-Tock and Captain Hook from Peter Pan.

tick-tockmeghan

Hopefully the only thing Harry loses will be his hair.

HarryBalding

Tick-tock!

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

 

The British Royal Family’s Gift of Unmethodical Madness

Normally this time of year, royal watchers just get to see slivers through car windows of members of the British Royal Family on their way to the Queen’s Christmas lunch at Buckingham Palace. This week, however, the Royal Family got all of us the gift of drama and there’s no gift receipt so it’s not like we can exchange it for something else like… I don’t know… maybe the absence of drama or even a baker boy hat so we can look cute while watching Apocalyptic levels of melt-down on Royal Twitter.

On Monday, @KensingtonRoyal released a creepy Christmas photo of the Cambridges.  Between Kate missing an arm, dead smiles, sterile background, an unconvinced George and the expression on Charlotte’s face warning us that the man with the bloody axe is behind us, it’s not hard to imagine why Lupo might not have wanted anything to do with this family portrait.

CambridgeChristmmasCard

On Wednesday, Princess Michael who is married to the Queen’s cousin, decided the perfect way to welcome Meghan Markle into the Royal Family was with a racist brooch.

PrincessMichaelRacistBrooch

If Princess Michael didn’t have past incidents like yelling “go back to the colonies” at black diners at a restaurant in New York City and saying she couldn’t possibly be racist because she thinks black people are “adorable”, then it would be easier to cut her some slack.  Because really, who wears a racist brooch to meet a biracial woman?  Who would even own a racist brooch?  Jewelry should never be used for evil.  Someone needs to take away that woman’s tiaras while she thinks about what she’s done.

Even if you give Princess Michael the benefit of the doubt, there is basically only one scenario that would explain why she would ‘accidentally’ wear a racist brooch and that’s if she was thinking to herself, ‘I hope Meghan knows I’m not the racist my own words prove me to be, I have lots of black friends like that girl who brought me my coat that one time and… and… that blackamoor brooch. I know, I’ll wear the brooch to make her feel at home, maybe she’s descended from the slave it was modeled after. God, I’m such a good person. I should be Queen.’

Princess Michael has since pseudo-apologized through a representative who noted that it was “a gift and has been worn many times before.”  I did a quick Google search and couldn’t find evidence of past racist brooch outings (which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been worn before, it just means I gave up before finding the photos) but if it’s indeed had multiple wearings then why didn’t someone mention to Princess Michael that she might not want to wear such an offensive piece, especially since she has tons of brooches that aren’t?  Just a hint of her massive collection:

princessmichaelbrooches

While some people have managed to blame the incident on Meghan for being too black or not black enough, most aren’t buying that this was an innocent whoopsie:

RoyalChefPrincessMichael

On Thursday, Kensington Palace Tweeted out a total of three engagement photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the third candid shot being shared as a thank you for all the lovely wishes.  They had been taken earlier in the week at Frogmore House by photographer hottie Alexi Lubomiriski.

engagementphoto1

They are gorgeous photos of gorgeous people in a gorgeous setting, but I’m still not sure why in the second one, Meghan is touching Prince Harry’s face like she’s pretending she’s Mary Ingalls trying to get a sense of what her fiancé looks like.

engagementphoto2

Screen Shot 2017-12-23 at 1.01.42 PM

It just seems so contrived.  Normally photos of eyes wide shut are automatically tossed.  If eyes are the windows to the soul, is the message here that Meghan’s heart is closed to Harry until further notice?  If so, it sucks to be him, but maybe select another one from the photos celebrating their love.

And Harry wrapping Meghan up in his coat like he’s Mark Darcy with a new diary?  Colin Firth did it better.   Harry’s only got a couple of inches of spare coat fabric, someone who likes us just as we are would make sure his coat went around before referencing an iconic movie scene.

In the third photo, Meghan is hanging on Prince Harry, body language we’ve seen before in the pictures from Jamaica.  It’s a little bit needy, a little bit possessive and a little bit Mariah Carey.  I mean, Meghan looks like she’s literally dragging him down.  Alexi Lubomiriski is an insanely talented photographer and there’s no doubt they were given lots of amazing pictures to choose from so it’s interesting these were the photos they selected, the ones that spoke to them as a couple.

engagementphoto3

In two of the three photos that were released, Meghan and Prince Harry look like they are dressed for two very different occasions with Meghan off to the Golden Globe Awards while Prince Harry is off to his job as a Human Resources Manager at a pharmaceutical company.  And does Harry just own that one suit?  Or is it like a superhero costume thing and he’s got multiples?

What really riled royal watchers up, though, is the price tag of the Ralph & Russo gown Meghan wore, estimated to cost £56,000 (around $75,000).

I’m of about 417 different minds on this and none of them agree.  It’s a stunning dress, Meghan looks glamorous and just ridiculously beautiful in it and she’s getting married, if you aren’t going to splash out when promising to spend a lifetime with someone then really nothing is worth celebrating.  But $75,000?  Holy fuck knuckles that’s an obscene amount of money for one frock.  The Palace said it was paid for privately but gave no information on who actually purchased it.  Meghan could have easily paid for it out of the $5 million or so she earned as an actress.  Prince Harry could have paid for it out of money he has inherited.  Or Prince Charles could have paid for it out of the Duchy of Cornwall which means technically taxpayers paid for it in which case every single resident of the UK should get to borrow it at least once.

RP-MeghanEngagementDress

A gown that expensive seems a curious choice for someone who describes herself as a humanitarian because I don’t know how someone can reconcile knowing the dire conditions in which so many are living and such a lavish purchase.  It just seems a bit tone deaf to the fact that in her new country at a time of austerity, hard-working taxpayers are having to rely on food banks because they can’t scrape up enough money to feed their children while this winter tens of thousands in the UK will freeze to death in their own homes which they can’t afford to heat.  The gown’s cost raises the concern that Meghan might be going the Marie Antoinette route instead of becoming the Diana 2.0 her estranged half-sister Samantha and her former friend Ninaki Priddy claim she’s been plotting to become since childhood.  On the other hand, that gown is phenomenal so good for her.

As royal watchers were still fiercely debating Meghan’s engagement gown cost, on Friday the Daily Mail ran an article about Kate Middleton spending £119,000 ($160,000) on new clothing and accessories this year. That’s a whole lot of money for very little return, Kate’s numbers will be abysmally low again this year. Curious timing for the Daily Mail to run that piece.  With Meghan now in the fold, I think we’ll start seeing the press play all sorts of new reindeer games.

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

When Harry Met Meghan

The big royal news is, of course, that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged to be married in May at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

EngagementPhotocall

The wedding will be paid for by the Royal Family, the hefty security bill will be paid for by the taxpayer.  Alas, not all taxpayers are thrilled with all of the #RoyalEngagement details.

TR-BankHoliday

The engagement interview that aired on Monday showed Meghan to be poised, confident and well spoken, certainly capable of handling the royal spotlight.  Both Prince Harry and Meghan appeared relaxed and enamored with one another in stark contrast to Prince William and Kate’s engagement interview which seemed a bit awkward and forced.

For some questions, though, Prince Harry and Meghan appeared to give answers that better suited the fairytale, probably decided by committee based on what tested highest in focus groups even though they hopefully didn’t need to “No, it was the Levi’s guy” this thing too much.

Unlike Prince William, Prince Harry did let others in on the engagement news which might be why it was a better interview and perhaps why the engagement happened to be announced when Harry was getting bashed around in the press for being a “spoiled brat”.

RP-Engagement Advisors

The origin story of their relationship in the BBC interview was a bit vague on details but according to their answers was the result of a blind date that happened in May or June of 2016.  Likely Prince Harry and Meghan didn’t give specifics because according to The Telegraph, Meghan was living with chef Cory Vitiello when she met Prince Harry.  Meghan’s ex-boyfriend has gone the no comment route on whether or not Prince Harry, who was in Toronto in May, was the cause of their break-up.

Vague Timeline:

Meghan Markle: Oh it would be a year and a half, a little bit more than that?

Prince Harry: No just about – it would be about a year and a half yeah.

Also…

Meghan Markle: I don’t think that I would call it a whirlwind in terms of our relationship, obviously there have been layers attached to how public it has become after we had a good five, six months almost with just privacy, which was amazing.

Okay, Meghan possibly already being in a committed relationship doesn’t make for the most romantic of How I Met Your Mother scenarios but even if there was overlap, we don’t know what Meghan’s relationship with Cory Vitiello was like.  I think the important thing to remember is that there is a single attractive man out there who can cook.  If you ask me, Meghan traded down.  Prince Harry proposed when they were “trying to roast a chicken”.  If it were the chef proposing, that chicken would have already been roasted.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks:

During the interview Meghan claimed, “Given that I didn’t know a lot about him, everything that I have learned about him, I learnt through him as opposed to having grown up around different news stories and tabloids whatever else.”

As an American I want the make and model number of that BRF-free bubble because that sounds like a magical place in which to live.  Considering accusations made by family and friends that she has been plotting to marry into the British Royal Family because she wants to be the Second Coming of Princess Diana, you can sort of see why Meghan would deny the virtual inescapability of royal news here in the US. Meghan’s childhood friend Ninaki Priddy is the latest to claim Meghan connived her way into Harry’s heart and the British Royal Family, telling the Daily Mail, “It’s like she has been planning this all her life.  She gets exactly what she wants and Harry has fallen for her play.  She was always fascinated by the Royal Family.  She wants to be Princess Diana 2.0.  She will play her role ably, but my advice to him is to tread cautiously.”  Either Meghan’s family and friends are out to get her or she’s boiled a few bunnies along the way.  The stereotype of the femme fatale leading men to their ruin is sooo 2016, though.  And if Meghan really does fancy herself Diana 2.0, that means she’ll highlight good causes while finishing off the monarchy in spectacular fashion.  I’d watch that show.

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks:

When Meghan made the innocuous comment that Princess Diana was with them, Prince Harry jumped in with a “somewhere else” comment so fast that I’ve never been more sure that rumors about Princess Diana’s ghost popping up around her sons are all true.  The “somewhere else” distinction makes it seem like Harry was implying, ‘Obviously she’s in heaven or some other plane, but definitely not in our kitchen making butter levitate and questioning Meghan’s footwear choices, that would be crazy… hee hee crazy.  CRAAAAZY!’

Meghan Markle: She’s with us.

Prince Harry: I’m sure she’s with us yeah, you know, jumping up and down somewhere else.

If you thought your in-laws were bad, imagine one that can’t be ducked by not answering the phones and who doesn’t need a key to get in.  I’m going to comb through that engagement interview frame by frame to see if I can spot Princess Diana’s ghost making bunny ears behind Meghan’s head just because I suspect Princess Diana wouldn’t have thought any woman was good enough for her sons.

The one thing that gives me pause about Meghan is her leaving her rescue dog, Bogart, behind in the US.  The reason provided by Jason Knauf is that Bogart is too old to fly but according to Meghan’s own social media posts, he’s five, that’s like saying Meghan is too old to fly.

BogartPuppy

Even if Bogart can’t fly, the voyage by sea would only take a few days.  I can’t imagine giving Nightwing up for any reason, we are a non-negotiable package deal.  In fact I’m presently not speaking with my mother because she suggested Nightwing isn’t really my son.  Not to go all canine conspiracy theory, but I wonder if the “friends” Bogart is staying with is really her chef ex-boyfriend who wanted Bogart in exchange for not selling his story to the press?  I’m trying not to judge Meghan and grant her the same grace period I gave Kate in which to disappoint me, but isn’t willingness to give up a rescue dog when you fall in love with a prince one of the signs of being a serial killer?  Hopefully there’s a plan to reunite Meghan and Guy with Bogart.  It just doesn’t feel like Meghan’s happiness could be complete without her furbaby.

On Friday, Meghan will be doing her first royal engagement with Prince Harry so she’s pretty much already in danger of surpassing Kate’s annual engagement total.

MeghanFirstEngagement

And I know this is just another Daily Mail typo, but how awesome does Thor Christmas sound?

ThorChristmas

I think we should live every day like Thor Christmas is about to happen.

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

Cosplay Kate

On Friday, Kate Middleton briefly united fans, critics and the media by wearing a Jenny Packham gown to the Royal Variety Performance that pretty much everyone agreed made her look like Elsa from Frozen.  Check out where Elsa’s hands are, did Disney animators and Kate go to the same princess training school?

Elsa

It’s one of those dresses that doesn’t look terrible from a distance but upon closer examination reveals itself to be sparkle chaos, the sequins, beads and crystals creating a glittery crustiness that haunts you like a grey hotdog from a street vendor.

RichardPalmerRoyalVariety

The madness is mesmerizing, there are clusters that sort of resemble butterflies, hanging embellishments that look like they could be tassels or dangling crystals or maybe a secret SOS message to an even more secret lazy royal advocacy group that she’s being forced to duchess against her will.

I for one am here for Cosplay Kate as long as it’s not all Jane Austen and lace. The next time she plans to flit off to Mustique, she should dress up as Mystique for whatever pre-flight engagement she has.

A Tweet by Jason Manford revealed that sitting there while being entertained had taken its toll on Prince William and Kate.

JasonManford

William’s divide and conquer strategy so they could get out of there in ten minutes would have allotted 24 seconds with each performer, assuming both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did their equal share, which doesn’t sound like a lot of time because it’s not.  In The Princess Bride, Inigo Montoya’s famous line, “Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die,” took approximately 8 seconds so technically both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge could have introduced themselves and delivered a very succinct mission statement about revenge twice in 24 seconds, with 8 seconds left for a handshake and to advance to the next person.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the plan for the modern monarchy involves a tee shirt canon and a moving walkway like the one at the Tower of London to minimize the amount of time the future king and his consort are forced to spend with the commoners.  Both William and Kate can zip past a waiting group as they fire customized tee shirts at them with “Fuck off” on the front and on the back something like, “These shirts were so expensive, your taxes have been quadrupled and all of you now live in a yellow submarine.  By yellow submarine, we mean a cardboard box dogs have peed on.  But seriously, peasants are gross.”

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

A Royal Work-Off

“I care desperately about what I do.  Do I know what product I’m selling?  No.  Do I know what I’m doing today?  No.  But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.”
-Hansel, Zoolander

What do you do when you’re a royally idle couple under fire for only undertaking three paltry official engagements apiece all year while soaking up all the royal perks?

You have a work-off.

billyzanework-off

walk-off

Both Prince William and Kate Middleton left Anmer’s Fortress of Solitude to prove to their critics they care about more than being really, really, ridiculously lazy.

Emily Andrews of The Sun added more fuel to the fire on Wednesday by revealing that not only did William take December off of air ambulance pilot duties, he’s only worked twelve shifts to date this year.  William decided to fight fire with fuel by showing up at EAAA on Wednesday and doing the regular bloke task of refueling the helicopter.  Photos by Geoff  Robinson in the Express reveal William struggling with his hose.  Is the future king secretly not an ambi-turner?

William'sHoseStruggles

William was probably a little overly ambitious in trying to look like he was just like everyone else.  Perhaps we should have given him the heads-up that even us regular folk don’t fill up our own helicopters, we let the heli fuel steward do it.   But it made for some memorable photographic moments.  You could practically hear Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go as William tugged on his hose.

ZoolanderWindow

ZoolanderGasFight

With William playing helicopter pilot, Kate went solo in Edinburgh.  She visited St. Catherine’s Primary School which participates in the Place2Be program and took part in an assembly sing-a-long of Welcome Everybody.

KateSingALong

From there, Kate went to look at the art created at Wester Hailes Education Centre’s The Art Room.  Then Kate traded in her court shoes for Asics, slipped into a Nike top and Monreal London Tuxedo track pants and participated in a tennis workshop conducted by the mother of her tennis crush, Andy Murray.  Or as Kate, seen here in a screen grab from stuff.co.nz  probably calls him, Plan B.

KateTennisWorkshop

Despite spending  over $300 on pricy track pants (£220), somewhere Betty White was wearing a tracksuit better.

BettyWhiteWreckingBall

Kate was visibly excited about meeting Judy Murray.  The tennis pro’s Mum revealed to The Telegraph, “She was talking about at what age can a child hold a racquet. It’s about strength.  I was saying to her with children of George’s age you start with a balloon and the hand. It is about doing he right thing at the right time.  From a parents’ perspective she was very interested in how she could help her kids to develop the skills that you need to do sports because she enjoys sports so much.”  It’s  probably not a bad idea for Prince George and Princess Charlotte to explore other possible vocations since it seems unlikely the British Monarchy will survive their parents.

So who won this royal work-off?

Walk-off2

Certainly not the taxpayer.   And definitely not William.

ZoolanderUnderwearChallenge

As a general rule, never go up against a woman nicknamed Commando Kate in an underwear challenge, she’ll pants you every time.

hanselunderwear

redheart

signature copy

British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

redheart

 

signature copy

The Crotch Clutching Of A Future Queen

Kate Middleton’s Nipple Button Coat reminded me of the subliminal ways Kate conveys messages through fashion and body language.  While the Palace may frown on Kate baring her bits on balconies and flashing her privates wherever there is breeze, Kate still manages to draw attention to her genitalia.  As she would have been taught in her Art History classes, one way to direct the focus of a viewer’s eyes is with hand placement.  Kate likes to keep hers on her crotch, either with a clutch pressed up against her vagina (technically speaking her mons pubis and labia majora) or bare-handing it.

Hilary Mantel incurred public wrath by pointing out, “a royal lady is a royal vagina.”  Kate Middleton landed her prince by being sexually available to him any time, day or night, so much so that Prince William’s Royal Protection Officers were credited with giving her the nickname “The Mattress”.  As a duchess, Kate has dutifully produced the heir with the spare on the way.  Perhaps Kate keeps her hands over her vagina because she’s publicly praising it for a job well done.

At least that’s the explanation that’s the least disturbing to me.  Because otherwise we get into some very unsettling scenarios.  Like is  the constant crotch-touching a silent cry for Monistat?  Is her vagina haunted and she has to muffle the spooky ghostly moans coming from within?  Does she keep a colony of bees in her vagina because Wills enjoys fresh honey and she’s afraid the little workers will escape?  And most importantly, does Rebecca Deacon follow behind Kate with a bottle of Purell giving courtesy squirts to all of those who have had to touch Kate’s hands after they’ve been resting on her mons pubis and labia majora?

To kick off the week, here’s a Kate Crotch Clutching Collage.  I just Googled “Kate Middleton” for images to screen grab, no other search terms were required since there are probably more photos of her touching her nether regions than not.  This crotch-clutcher will be called Queen Catherine one day, assuming the British Monarchy doesn’t crash and burn by then and Kate’s marriage remains intact.  Call me a hopeless romantic, but I’m sure Kate’s still got a few tricks up her skirt to remind William why he settled for her in the first place.

Kate'sCrotchClutching

Where could Kate have learned that a crotch is a socially acceptable resting spot for hands?  Perhaps Carole knows.

CaroleCrotchClutch

 

redheart

signature copy

My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.

kateaselizadoolittle

When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.

KatePhotshopSideBySide

For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:

katephotonotretouched

The markers are:

1. The Vein –

katevein

There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.

 

 

 

2. Mole #1 –

katemole#1

Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.

 

 

3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.

 

 

 

4. Brows –

katebrows

There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.

 

5. Under-eye puffiness –

kateeyepuffiness

This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.

 

6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.

 

 

7. Head scar –

katemiddletonheadscar

It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.

 

 

8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-

Katebumpsonforehead&pockmarks

 

Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.

 

 

Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:

katephotoshopped

Or this:

katepretty

When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.

kategraysnotretouched

Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.

kateportrait

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.

blogheartsignature

Love,

Lola