Category Archives: ♕ Kate Middleton & British Royal Family

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Oh dear, it’s worse than I thought. Meghan Markle has crazy eyes.

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Crazy eyes are practically mandatory for marrying into the British Royal Family since Princess Diana joined The Firm.  Back in July, I pointed out the set on Kate Middleton which tend to happen when Prince William is paying attention to her whereas Meghan’s crazy eyes occur when she is gazing at the love of her life, the camera.

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Find someone who looks at you the way Meghan Markle looks at a camera. I really ship these two.

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I’m not the only one to notice the illicit affair Meghan is carrying out with the lens right under Harry’s nose:

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I guess it wouldn’t be a Windsor wedding unless there were three in the marriage.

On Thursday, Prince Harry and Meghan traveled to Wales where they did a walk-about, toured Cardiff Castle and visited the StarHub community centre.  They were over an hour late due to a train delay for which Meghan apologized with one of her exaggerated expressions straight from the Kate Middleton School of Over-Emulating Human Emotion.

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Meghan needs a master class, though.  Her apology expression and humbly overwhelmed expression are almost indiscernible (red arrows by moi).

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It may have been good enough for Suits, but taxpayers expect more.  I mean they rarely get it from the Royal Family but they do still expect it.

Meghan’s choice of attire proved controversial with the Daily Mail going so far as to claim, “Never has one outfit been designed to send so many messages”.  Is Meghan really using clothing to convey secret non-verbal communication?  That kinda sounds like something a tinfoil hat-wearing stalker would say to the police to explain what he was doing lurking in the bushes in a suit made of Velcro with duct tape roll bracelets and a bag full of kitty litter.  But then again, it is the Daily Mail so…
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I guess the Stella McCartney coat which resembles a robe and Meghan’s messy bun do sort of say “Fuck you, I want to be home in my jammies” but that’s basically my default mood so I’m not going to cast stones over that one.

Okay, maybe just one stone, really a pebble. With Meghan constantly brushing her hair away and touching her face at the last two engagements, she looks like she desperately wants someone to call her a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

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In addition to the messy bun, traditionalists were pearl-clutching over Meghan’s shoulder-revealing Theory top, her Hiut Denim jeans and mismatched earrings.

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I’m sorry, but after you’ve seen the Duchess of Cambridge prancing around in violently tight Heimlich Maneuver jeggings and the two tight-trousers princes showing off their pocket rockets, a pair of black denim jeans and a little extra shoulder isn’t that big of an eyebrow-raiser.  The bar has been set so low it’s now just a crevice in the Boulevard of Broken Protocol.  Granted Meghan’s attire wouldn’t fly in most offices except for maybe on Casual Friday, but I find Meghan and Harry’s hand-holding and whispering to each other during official engagements to be more unprofessional than some exposed clavicle.  The lovey-dovey demonstrative displays of these first engagements are a bit too much, they’re at work.  At any job, if you engaged in similar behavior with your significant other while on the clock, you’d probably be called into HR for a meeting about it because even if the boss gave you a pass, you know Janice from Accounts Receivable would say something.

Meghan appeared at ease chatting with the gathered crowd.

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For one fan, she wrote “Hi Kaitlin” on her pad, an action the press identified as a protocol-breaking autograph.  Since Meghan didn’t sign her name, I’m a little foggy as to why it would be a violation of a royal rule by someone who isn’t even royal yet, but judging by all the fuss, Caitlin can now take over the world with that scribbled greeting so hopefully she will only use her powers for good.

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Thus far, Meghan’s introduction to the Royal Family just seems like a reboot of the Fergie Years.  I’ve already watched this program and it wasn’t that great the first time around, plus I don’t have a lot of faith in this cast.

I do hope that Prince Harry and Meghan live a long blissfully happy life together and that she flourishes in her royal role but between the velocity of this relationship and Meghan’s crocodile smile, I can’t help but think the royal couple are like Tick-Tock and Captain Hook from Peter Pan.

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Hopefully the only thing Harry loses will be his hair.

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Tick-tock!

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The British Royal Family’s Gift of Unmethodical Madness

Normally this time of year, royal watchers just get to see slivers through car windows of members of the British Royal Family on their way to the Queen’s Christmas lunch at Buckingham Palace. This week, however, the Royal Family got all of us the gift of drama and there’s no gift receipt so it’s not like we can exchange it for something else like… I don’t know… maybe the absence of drama or even a baker boy hat so we can look cute while watching Apocalyptic levels of melt-down on Royal Twitter.

On Monday, @KensingtonRoyal released a creepy Christmas photo of the Cambridges.  Between Kate missing an arm, dead smiles, sterile background, an unconvinced George and the expression on Charlotte’s face warning us that the man with the bloody axe is behind us, it’s not hard to imagine why Lupo might not have wanted anything to do with this family portrait.

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On Wednesday, Princess Michael who is married to the Queen’s cousin, decided the perfect way to welcome Meghan Markle into the Royal Family was with a racist brooch.

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If Princess Michael didn’t have past incidents like yelling “go back to the colonies” at black diners at a restaurant in New York City and saying she couldn’t possibly be racist because she thinks black people are “adorable”, then it would be easier to cut her some slack.  Because really, who wears a racist brooch to meet a biracial woman?  Who would even own a racist brooch?  Jewelry should never be used for evil.  Someone needs to take away that woman’s tiaras while she thinks about what she’s done.

Even if you give Princess Michael the benefit of the doubt, there is basically only one scenario that would explain why she would ‘accidentally’ wear a racist brooch and that’s if she was thinking to herself, ‘I hope Meghan knows I’m not the racist my own words prove me to be, I have lots of black friends like that girl who brought me my coat that one time and… and… that blackamoor brooch. I know, I’ll wear the brooch to make her feel at home, maybe she’s descended from the slave it was modeled after. God, I’m such a good person. I should be Queen.’

Princess Michael has since pseudo-apologized through a representative who noted that it was “a gift and has been worn many times before.”  I did a quick Google search and couldn’t find evidence of past racist brooch outings (which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been worn before, it just means I gave up before finding the photos) but if it’s indeed had multiple wearings then why didn’t someone mention to Princess Michael that she might not want to wear such an offensive piece, especially since she has tons of brooches that aren’t?  Just a hint of her massive collection:

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While some people have managed to blame the incident on Meghan for being too black or not black enough, most aren’t buying that this was an innocent whoopsie:

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On Thursday, Kensington Palace Tweeted out a total of three engagement photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the third candid shot being shared as a thank you for all the lovely wishes.  They had been taken earlier in the week at Frogmore House by photographer hottie Alexi Lubomiriski.

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They are gorgeous photos of gorgeous people in a gorgeous setting, but I’m still not sure why in the second one, Meghan is touching Prince Harry’s face like she’s pretending she’s Mary Ingalls trying to get a sense of what her fiancé looks like.

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It just seems so contrived.  Normally photos of eyes wide shut are automatically tossed.  If eyes are the windows to the soul, is the message here that Meghan’s heart is closed to Harry until further notice?  If so, it sucks to be him, but maybe select another one from the photos celebrating their love.

And Harry wrapping Meghan up in his coat like he’s Mark Darcy with a new diary?  Colin Firth did it better.   Harry’s only got a couple of inches of spare coat fabric, someone who likes us just as we are would make sure his coat went around before referencing an iconic movie scene.

In the third photo, Meghan is hanging on Prince Harry, body language we’ve seen before in the pictures from Jamaica.  It’s a little bit needy, a little bit possessive and a little bit Mariah Carey.  I mean, Meghan looks like she’s literally dragging him down.  Alexi Lubomiriski is an insanely talented photographer and there’s no doubt they were given lots of amazing pictures to choose from so it’s interesting these were the photos they selected, the ones that spoke to them as a couple.

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In two of the three photos that were released, Meghan and Prince Harry look like they are dressed for two very different occasions with Meghan off to the Golden Globe Awards while Prince Harry is off to his job as a Human Resources Manager at a pharmaceutical company.  And does Harry just own that one suit?  Or is it like a superhero costume thing and he’s got multiples?

What really riled royal watchers up, though, is the price tag of the Ralph & Russo gown Meghan wore, estimated to cost £56,000 (around $75,000).

I’m of about 417 different minds on this and none of them agree.  It’s a stunning dress, Meghan looks glamorous and just ridiculously beautiful in it and she’s getting married, if you aren’t going to splash out when promising to spend a lifetime with someone then really nothing is worth celebrating.  But $75,000?  Holy fuck knuckles that’s an obscene amount of money for one frock.  The Palace said it was paid for privately but gave no information on who actually purchased it.  Meghan could have easily paid for it out of the $5 million or so she earned as an actress.  Prince Harry could have paid for it out of money he has inherited.  Or Prince Charles could have paid for it out of the Duchy of Cornwall which means technically taxpayers paid for it in which case every single resident of the UK should get to borrow it at least once.

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A gown that expensive seems a curious choice for someone who describes herself as a humanitarian because I don’t know how someone can reconcile knowing the dire conditions in which so many are living and such a lavish purchase.  It just seems a bit tone deaf to the fact that in her new country at a time of austerity, hard-working taxpayers are having to rely on food banks because they can’t scrape up enough money to feed their children while this winter tens of thousands in the UK will freeze to death in their own homes which they can’t afford to heat.  The gown’s cost raises the concern that Meghan might be going the Marie Antoinette route instead of becoming the Diana 2.0 her estranged half-sister Samantha and her former friend Ninaki Priddy claim she’s been plotting to become since childhood.  On the other hand, that gown is phenomenal so good for her.

As royal watchers were still fiercely debating Meghan’s engagement gown cost, on Friday the Daily Mail ran an article about Kate Middleton spending £119,000 ($160,000) on new clothing and accessories this year. That’s a whole lot of money for very little return, Kate’s numbers will be abysmally low again this year. Curious timing for the Daily Mail to run that piece.  With Meghan now in the fold, I think we’ll start seeing the press play all sorts of new reindeer games.

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When Harry Met Meghan

The big royal news is, of course, that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged to be married in May at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

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The wedding will be paid for by the Royal Family, the hefty security bill will be paid for by the taxpayer.  Alas, not all taxpayers are thrilled with all of the #RoyalEngagement details.

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The engagement interview that aired on Monday showed Meghan to be poised, confident and well spoken, certainly capable of handling the royal spotlight.  Both Prince Harry and Meghan appeared relaxed and enamored with one another in stark contrast to Prince William and Kate’s engagement interview which seemed a bit awkward and forced.

For some questions, though, Prince Harry and Meghan appeared to give answers that better suited the fairytale, probably decided by committee based on what tested highest in focus groups even though they hopefully didn’t need to “No, it was the Levi’s guy” this thing too much.

Unlike Prince William, Prince Harry did let others in on the engagement news which might be why it was a better interview and perhaps why the engagement happened to be announced when Harry was getting bashed around in the press for being a “spoiled brat”.

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The origin story of their relationship in the BBC interview was a bit vague on details but according to their answers was the result of a blind date that happened in May or June of 2016.  Likely Prince Harry and Meghan didn’t give specifics because according to The Telegraph, Meghan was living with chef Cory Vitiello when she met Prince Harry.  Meghan’s ex-boyfriend has gone the no comment route on whether or not Prince Harry, who was in Toronto in May, was the cause of their break-up.

Vague Timeline:

Meghan Markle: Oh it would be a year and a half, a little bit more than that?

Prince Harry: No just about – it would be about a year and a half yeah.

Also…

Meghan Markle: I don’t think that I would call it a whirlwind in terms of our relationship, obviously there have been layers attached to how public it has become after we had a good five, six months almost with just privacy, which was amazing.

Okay, Meghan possibly already being in a committed relationship doesn’t make for the most romantic of How I Met Your Mother scenarios but even if there was overlap, we don’t know what Meghan’s relationship with Cory Vitiello was like.  I think the important thing to remember is that there is a single attractive man out there who can cook.  If you ask me, Meghan traded down.  Prince Harry proposed when they were “trying to roast a chicken”.  If it were the chef proposing, that chicken would have already been roasted.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks:

During the interview Meghan claimed, “Given that I didn’t know a lot about him, everything that I have learned about him, I learnt through him as opposed to having grown up around different news stories and tabloids whatever else.”

As an American I want the make and model number of that BRF-free bubble because that sounds like a magical place in which to live.  Considering accusations made by family and friends that she has been plotting to marry into the British Royal Family because she wants to be the Second Coming of Princess Diana, you can sort of see why Meghan would deny the virtual inescapability of royal news here in the US. Meghan’s childhood friend Ninaki Priddy is the latest to claim Meghan connived her way into Harry’s heart and the British Royal Family, telling the Daily Mail, “It’s like she has been planning this all her life.  She gets exactly what she wants and Harry has fallen for her play.  She was always fascinated by the Royal Family.  She wants to be Princess Diana 2.0.  She will play her role ably, but my advice to him is to tread cautiously.”  Either Meghan’s family and friends are out to get her or she’s boiled a few bunnies along the way.  The stereotype of the femme fatale leading men to their ruin is sooo 2016, though.  And if Meghan really does fancy herself Diana 2.0, that means she’ll highlight good causes while finishing off the monarchy in spectacular fashion.  I’d watch that show.

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks:

When Meghan made the innocuous comment that Princess Diana was with them, Prince Harry jumped in with a “somewhere else” comment so fast that I’ve never been more sure that rumors about Princess Diana’s ghost popping up around her sons are all true.  The “somewhere else” distinction makes it seem like Harry was implying, ‘Obviously she’s in heaven or some other plane, but definitely not in our kitchen making butter levitate and questioning Meghan’s footwear choices, that would be crazy… hee hee crazy.  CRAAAAZY!’

Meghan Markle: She’s with us.

Prince Harry: I’m sure she’s with us yeah, you know, jumping up and down somewhere else.

If you thought your in-laws were bad, imagine one that can’t be ducked by not answering the phones and who doesn’t need a key to get in.  I’m going to comb through that engagement interview frame by frame to see if I can spot Princess Diana’s ghost making bunny ears behind Meghan’s head just because I suspect Princess Diana wouldn’t have thought any woman was good enough for her sons.

The one thing that gives me pause about Meghan is her leaving her rescue dog, Bogart, behind in the US.  The reason provided by Jason Knauf is that Bogart is too old to fly but according to Meghan’s own social media posts, he’s five, that’s like saying Meghan is too old to fly.

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Even if Bogart can’t fly, the voyage by sea would only take a few days.  I can’t imagine giving Nightwing up for any reason, we are a non-negotiable package deal.  In fact I’m presently not speaking with my mother because she suggested Nightwing isn’t really my son.  Not to go all canine conspiracy theory, but I wonder if the “friends” Bogart is staying with is really her chef ex-boyfriend who wanted Bogart in exchange for not selling his story to the press?  I’m trying not to judge Meghan and grant her the same grace period I gave Kate in which to disappoint me, but isn’t willingness to give up a rescue dog when you fall in love with a prince one of the signs of being a serial killer?  Hopefully there’s a plan to reunite Meghan and Guy with Bogart.  It just doesn’t feel like Meghan’s happiness could be complete without her furbaby.

On Friday, Meghan will be doing her first royal engagement with Prince Harry so she’s pretty much already in danger of surpassing Kate’s annual engagement total.

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And I know this is just another Daily Mail typo, but how awesome does Thor Christmas sound?

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I think we should live every day like Thor Christmas is about to happen.

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Cosplay Kate

On Friday, Kate Middleton briefly united fans, critics and the media by wearing a Jenny Packham gown to the Royal Variety Performance that pretty much everyone agreed made her look like Elsa from Frozen.  Check out where Elsa’s hands are, did Disney animators and Kate go to the same princess training school?

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It’s one of those dresses that doesn’t look terrible from a distance but upon closer examination reveals itself to be sparkle chaos, the sequins, beads and crystals creating a glittery crustiness that haunts you like a grey hotdog from a street vendor.

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The madness is mesmerizing, there are clusters that sort of resemble butterflies, hanging embellishments that look like they could be tassels or dangling crystals or maybe a secret SOS message to an even more secret lazy royal advocacy group that she’s being forced to duchess against her will.

I for one am here for Cosplay Kate as long as it’s not all Jane Austen and lace. The next time she plans to flit off to Mustique, she should dress up as Mystique for whatever pre-flight engagement she has.

A Tweet by Jason Manford revealed that sitting there while being entertained had taken its toll on Prince William and Kate.

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William’s divide and conquer strategy so they could get out of there in ten minutes would have allotted 24 seconds with each performer, assuming both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did their equal share, which doesn’t sound like a lot of time because it’s not.  In The Princess Bride, Inigo Montoya’s famous line, “Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die,” took approximately 8 seconds so technically both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge could have introduced themselves and delivered a very succinct mission statement about revenge twice in 24 seconds, with 8 seconds left for a handshake and to advance to the next person.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the plan for the modern monarchy involves a tee shirt canon and a moving walkway like the one at the Tower of London to minimize the amount of time the future king and his consort are forced to spend with the commoners.  Both William and Kate can zip past a waiting group as they fire customized tee shirts at them with “Fuck off” on the front and on the back something like, “These shirts were so expensive, your taxes have been quadrupled and all of you now live in a yellow submarine.  By yellow submarine, we mean a cardboard box dogs have peed on.  But seriously, peasants are gross.”

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Day 5 Poland/Germany Royal Bore Tour

On Friday, the Cambridges’ tour of Germany and Poland passed away peacefully in its sleep.  It was five days old.  The tour is survived by Kate Middleton’s Poland/Germany wardrobe which cost a grand total of £26,000 ($33,787.00 in USD) according to an article in the Daily Mail.

To my surprise Friday’s Twitter hashtag #DAMNTour had nothing to do at all with Cambridges.

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Friday was an even lighter day than the rest of this ridiculous farce of a so-called “Brexit charm offensive” with Prince William and Kate Middleton checking out the Maritime Museum, stopping by the Elbphilarmonie Concert Hall where Kate was invited pick up a baton and play conductor and visiting Airbus where Prince George got to tour an EC 145, just like the one Prince William sometimes shows up to co-pilot for East Anglia Air Ambulance when he needs the PR.

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Doesn’t the UK have Take Your Son to Pretend Work Day?

The excitement was too much for Prince George who spontaneously morphed into a Hummel figurine in a nod to the host country.

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Kate wore a custom Emilia Wickstead dress in lavender, which is a terrible color on her.  No amount of clown blush could keep Kate from looking washed out.  Kate matched her dress to Prince George’s shirt and her raspberry Anya Hindmarch clutch to Princess Charlotte’s dress.  We get it, you’re together.

Some say Charlotte threw herself on the tarmac as part of a temper tantrum, but I’m sure somewhere a conspiracy theorist is convinced she was pushed.

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In honor of Prince George’s birthday today, Kensington Palace released a portrait of George taken by Chris Jackson, the photographer husband of Kate’s assistant/stylist Natalie Archer.

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I’m still not sure what the point was of this whole Germany/Poland tour, but I think Kensington Palace should have a contest and the person who comes up with the most credible-sounding answer should get to keep Kate’s tour wardrobe.  Most of the clothing was hideous but some of the jewelry wasn’t totally terrible.  Maybe it could be returned for store credit.

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Day 4 of the Poland/Germany Royal Snore

Wow, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal tour may be a more powerful sleep aid than Ambien.  I’m not sure if I’m even typing this or if it’s all just a dream but the goat in a scuba suit doing a Christopher Walken impression is really starting to freak me out.

Here’s a cut and paste of Day 4’s itinerary from the Daily Mail just in case there’s someone still out there who cares about this tour:

German Cancer Research Institute

William and Kate will meet Nobel Prize winner prof. Dr. Harald zur Hausen, and visit the stem cell research lab.

Traditional German market, Heidlberg

The pair will be given a tour of the traditional market by the Mayor of Heidlberg

Rowing race

Each will cox a boat each in a competitive race between the twinned town of Cambridge and Heidelberg.

Reception at Clärchens Ballhaus

A reception will be held at the last original dancehall in Berlin for some of the most exciting new names in the world of art, culture, style, fashion and technology.

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Kate’s first dress was Jenny Packham, a rotten egg brocade that looks like the upholstery from a couch my parents got rid of before I was born.  Some were commenting that Kate’s wedges didn’t go with the dress but other than some old fondue stains, not much would.

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Kate changed out of her house frau frock and into her standard sporty look of a striped top and jeggings for the rowing competition.  But, hang onto your hats, royal watchers, the blue of this Hugo Boss top was a lighter blue than she normally wears.  I know.  Dogs and cats living together!  Mass hysteria!

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Kate’s jeggings were so tight, I’d be surprised if she was still able to have more children after wearing them.  Yikes.  Do they even make Monistat with morphine?

Prince William somehow won the rowing race.  I don’t know much about rowing but I do question his contribution given that he’s just sitting there in this photo like Whistler’s Mother.

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Did they not have any needlepoint William could do?  Maybe some socks he could darn or buttons to sew back on?

Kate’s final wardrobe change was into a dress by German designer Markus Lupfer.  It was either some kind of botanical print or decapitated zebra heads and paper bag ghosts.

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We haven’t seen any major shiny this trip but it does look like Prince William gave Kate one of his mother’s bracelets.

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Royal watchers were swooning over this admittedly cute picture in which Kate looks at Prince William with crazy stalker eyes.

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Call me a romantic, but I think it’s sweet she’s looking at him like, ‘I want to weave a hammock out of your chest hair and drink your bath water’ and he’s looking at her like, ‘I’d love for you to meet my friends in security.  Security!’

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Day 3 of Poland/Germany Royal Snore

Sorry Cats and Kittens, I fell asleep last night while prepping to write Day 3’s post.  This thing is a walking coma.

Prince George and Princess Charlotte are even more bored with it than we are and attempted to drag their parents aboard the private jet that was waiting to take them to Germany yesterday.  Fuckity bye!

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Sorry, Poland.  The littlest Cambridges are so over you people.

Don’t get too cocky, Germany, George was already tired of you upon arrival.

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This tour has all the excitement of a couple of Benadryl.  I can barely feel my legs.  I don’t understand how the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can travel to all these wonderful countries and make them look as flat as painted scenery from a grammar school play.  That’s all these tours seem to mean to them, new scenery for their family photos.

This is a cut and paste of Wednesday’s Royal Tour Itinerary directly from the Daily Mail tour coverage because I don’t feel like putting more effort in Prince William and Kate’s tour than they are.

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WEDNESDAY 19TH JULY 

Arrival in Berlin and official welcome

Visit to the Brandenburg Gate

Holocaust Memorial

The couple will meet survivors and tour the museum before walking through the Memorial itself.

Stra(ss)enkinder

The charity supports young people from disadvantaged backgrounds

Bellevue Palace Gardens

William and Kate will meet with the Federal President

Queen’s Birthday Garden Party, Ambassador’s Residence

William will give a speech at the event held in honour of his grandmother

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I don’t get the sense William and Kate have any appreciation for the historical significance of some of these places or really for anything at all.  They certainly haven’t provided much in the way of sound bites to suggest they are active participants in this tour.  Had Charlotte not been given her first official flower bouquet, there wouldn’t be much to report other than Angela Merkel asked Kate if she spoke German and Kate responded sorry, no.

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Kate didn’t even bother to learn a few key German phrases?  Don’t most people learn to say at least a few things when traveling to a country with a native language different from their own?  Kate couldn’t squeeze in a few hours of Rosetta Stone in between all that nothing?  According to @WriteRoyalty on Twitter, Kate worked a total of five hours in June.

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Kate’s Wednesday attire for the day events was a cornflower blue Catherine Walker coat and another fucking lace dress.  It reminds me of something she once wore to a wedding but I don’t care enough to look for it.  Basically, Wednesday’s look was a slightly cornflowerier version of things we’ve seen a million times.

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And the whole hairnet thing, enough Amanda Cook Tucker.  It’s not retro cute, it’s a lazy shortcut for a lazy client.  Kate already dresses like she’s a hundred, no need to give Grandma Catherine nursing home hair.

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Kate got rave reviews for the red Alexander McQueen dress she wore to the garden party celebrating Her Majesty’s birthday.  It’s cute, but the dress isn’t all that, I think people are so tired of lace and cosplay frocks, they’d applaud her for wearing anything in the normal human range.

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Day 2 of Poland/Germany Royal Tour

For the second day of the Royal Tour of Poland and Germany, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge toured the Stutthof Concentration Camp and met with five former prisoners, traveled to Gdansk to take part in a street party, visited the Gdansk Shakespeare Theatre and toured the European Solidarity Movement Museum, leaving flowers at the Solidarity Monument.

Unfortunately, the events of Day 2 were overshadowed by debate on social media over whether or not Kate’s outfit was inappropriate for a visit to a concentration camp where nearly 65,000 people died. Reaction ran from some thinking it was fine to others being extremely offended.  No matter where royal watchers landed on the opinion spectrum, far too much of the conversation was about whether or not Kate, a guest of Poland as an official representative of the United Kingdom, was appropriately dressed.

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Kate wore a floral Erdem top and skirt and a pair of Stuart Weitzman Nearly Nude Ankle Strap Sandals.  I couldn’t find attire guidelines listed on the Stuttof website but the Dachau Concentration Camp Memorial Site asks that no children under 12 visit the grounds and to “Please respect the dignity of the site by wearing appropriate attire.”

“Appropriate” is a subjective term.  Kate’s Erdem was a floral print but with somewhat subdued tones on a white background in a modest cut.  On Twitter, Richard Palmer noted that he asked if “black or dark colours were expected and they said not”.

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I didn’t happen to notice anyone else in a pattern, most were in dark blue or black.

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In addition to a questionable clothing choice, Kate also wore sandals.  Kate’s worn sandals on tour before but to events like the zoo and the beach.  There are a lot of companies that prohibit employees from wearing sandals on the basis they look unprofessional while some only allow sandals on Casual Fridays.  Given how devoted Kate is to her court shoes, her decision to wear sandals to tour a concentration camp is a curious choice.

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And then there was the red polish on Kate’s toes with which some took issue.  I would just like to point out Kate usually has a visible problem with toe nail fungus so maybe the red nail lacquer was serving a beneficial purpose.  Just sayin’.

For every Royal Tour, a team goes out ahead of time on a reconnaissance mission at taxpayer expense, gathering information about the venues, taking photographs, making notations about things like temperature and weather conditions all to make sure clothing will be event appropriate and will photograph well in the surroundings.  So what happened?  Now that Rebecca Deacon’s leaving, perhaps Kate should give some serious consideration to a proper lady-in-waiting.  Kate’s known to be stubborn and not take suggestions under advisement, but she’s more than six years into a job she waited almost a decade to get, there shouldn’t even be a debate about how sartorially insensitive a future Queen Consort was being at a concentration camp.

Another disappointing aspect of the visit to Stutthof was the revelation via Royal Correspondent photos that the sentiment in the visitor’s book was obviously written ahead of time by someone else because the handwriting wasn’t Prince William’s or Kate’s.  All the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did was sign their names.

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With only two short days, it feels as if the Poland part of the tour was over before it began with so much of the host country under-represented.  Even at the street party, Kate and Prince William ate pierogi and drank Goldwasser which I can do pretty much any time I want here in New York.  Polish cuisine has the best comfort food ever, it deserves so much more than a casual mention.  I must admit I’m not a huge fan of Goldwasser, though, it’s basically like drinking candied fire.  It’s so potent, in seconds you go from your tummy feeling warm to asking if the bell no one else heard meant an angel got its wings.

Richard Palmer wrote a lovely piece about the Stutthof Concentration Camp which I recommend reading because it’s a focused overview of the first engagement without the distracting noise.

Interestingly, the media chose to not question Kate’s attire or even mention the heated debate amongst royal watchers.  Considering how flat the Cambridge’s recent tours have been, perhaps they need this tour to go well because once the public loses all interest in the Cambridges, they will need to find a new job.  Or maybe they’re just waiting for a lull when they need a story of interest.  Like this one mentioning the fight Kate and William got into prior to leaving for the garden party celebrating the Queen’s birthday.

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I’m not sure what’s going on with Kate lately, but in these photos, she looks like Wonder Woman’s pissed off grandmother.

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Day 1 of Poland/Germany Royal Tour

On Monday July 17th, Prince William, Kate Middleton, Prince George and Princess Charlotte arrived in Poland for Day 1 of a five day royal tour of Poland and Germany.

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Given that it is such a short tour, many were surprised Prince William and Kate were bringing the children at all.  After all, they had no problem leaving Prince George at home when he was a baby to holiday in the Maldives.  Some felt the trip would be too disruptive to the children just to have them spend the days with nannies and see the parents primarily at night like they do when they are hitting the slopes. Unlike other royals, the Cambridges tend to approach their tours more like taxpayer-funded holidays than duty, though, so perhaps it’s not surprising they decided to model this tour once again on one of their ski get-aways.

There was some suggestion the children were brought along as Brexit diplomacy photo props.

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That’s pretty cynical, though.   Kate’s behavior with her children at these airport arrivals, the way she fusses with their clothing instead of looking up or turns her focus to them instead of the officials waiting to greet her, suggests she is using them more as surrogate emotional support animals than diplomatic props although it’s possible she’s after the doting-Mum photos but is instead inadvertently creating awkward-adult-focusing-on-the-family-dog-at-a-party pics.

To be fair, these royal tour airport arrivals do seem a bit scary.  I’m always worried that Kate is going to drop whichever child she is carrying because for some reason, it’s usually raining whenever the Cambridges land, making the steps all the more perilous in heels.  Fortunately, the steps were much more manageable this time despite the rain and there appeared to be less media waiting for them.  Prince George, however, wanted nothing to do with any of it.

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I feel like I get George, like we’re both old souls with a bit of a mischievous streak.  So pictures like this one break my heart.

This isn't Disneyworld. Oh what fresh hell is this?

This isn’t Disneyworld. Oh what fresh hell is this?

George is just shy of four. I was at least six before I had that glazed dead-inside look.

It must be strange for Prince William and Kate to raise Prince George as a Maybe Future King.  Surely they must possess enough self-awareness to realize the monarchy’s days are numbered and William will likely be the last king if even he makes it to the throne.  I mean, they’re not headless, they would have to have some kind of inkling, right?  Between David Beckham’s pictures of his daughter’s royal birthday tea party hosted by Sarah Ferguson at Buckingham Palace and the Very Middleton Wimbledon with Carole and Pippa getting kicked out of the royal box for tardiness and Carole hitting up Roger Federer’s wife for extra tickets, the royal “magic” Prince Harry recently eluded to in his Newsweek interview is gone.  The humane thing would be to pull the plug.

The Cambridges arrived in Poland on a private jet.  According to the Annual Royal Household Annual Accounts that came out in the end of June, the private jet the Cambridges took to Paris for that so-called diplomatic mission cost UK taxpayers £20,000 so this trip will be a bit more.  Don’t worry, Poland, you’re getting screwed over, too, the security detail is unreal.

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Because Poland’s flag is white and red, the Cambridge’s arrival clothing broke somewhat from the traditional Team Cambridge Blue.  Kate wore a new white suit by Alexander McQueen which was beautiful on her, just like the several similar pieces she already owns. To represent the red in Poland’s flag, Kate went with a red Jenny Packham box clutch and a ruby and diamond necklace and earrings which got lost in her hair.  I haven’t been able to find anything on the new rubies, mostly because I barely looked, but they appear to be G. Collins and Sons to me.

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After the airport arrival, Kate and Prince William met with President Duda and the First Lady at the Presidential Palace in Warsaw and then went to the Warsaw Rising Museum where they met with vets.

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Not everyone was impressed by Kate, however.

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Then there was the Young Entrepreneur’s Reception and the Garden Party at The Orangery in honor of the Queen’s birthday. Again.  She’s still just 91, right?  It’s hard to keep track with all these celebrations.

Kate’s final wardrobe change was pretty tragic. The dress by Polish designer Gosia Baczynska looked like something George and Charlotte made on the plane with black marker, safety scissors and those white paper table coverings they have at kid-friendly restaurants.

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Kate’s evening updo was a little too Margaret Thatcher. The necklace was kinda cool, though.  I mean, I wouldn’t wear it, but I thought it was a nice way to visually call attention to the Madonna cone boobs.   Music’s where you find it.

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After more than six years of marriage, Kate still doesn’t know how to hold a wine glass.

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If you ever want to know how to do anything properly, just watch the Queen.

Of course, Kate drinking wine (which I assume she did instead of just holding it) blows away my theory she is already pregnant.  Not that a few sips of wine would hurt a fetus, but I suspect she’d be sticking to water.  Interestingly, the subject of more babies did come up when she was given a gift for a newborn (I guess I’m not the only one who thought she might be pregnant).

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Perhaps one day Prince George and Princess Charlotte will have another sibling taxpayers will only see at Trooping the Colour and tours abroad.

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Still No Order in Kate’s Court

On Wednesday, the British Royal Family hosted a state banquet in honor of Spain’s visiting royals, King Felipe and Queen Letizia.

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Queen Letizia, in a red evening gown and Fleur de Lys tiara, full of elegance, poise and confidence, walked into the ballroom like she owned the place.

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Kate Middleton in a pale dusty pink Marchesa and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara, walked into the ballroom like she got separated from her Jane Austen Cosplay group and desperately needed to use the loo.

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Victoria Murphy’s article for the Mirror has lots of great photos.

Kate remains orderless more than six years into the whole duchessing thing.  The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor given to female working members of the family at Her Majesty’s discretion and Kate is the only working female royal without one.  Katharine, Duchess of Kent received hers during her first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  And Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  Considering how few engagements Kate does, perhaps the Queen isn’t aware that Kate is considered a working royal.

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For her sixth tiara outing, Kate went with the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara which infamously gave Princess Diana headaches, pairing it with Princess Diana’s Collingwood Pearl and Diamond Earrings.  Kate also wore a statement necklace on loan from the Queen which hasn’t been seen in quite some time, the King George VI and Queen Elizabeth Bandeau Necklace.

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Unlike many of Marchesa’s celebrity fashion victims, Kate chose to wear the brand on purpose.  The lace dress was a little bit bridal and a little bit OMG-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Kate.  I’m a little bit biased though because I don’t like Marchesa on anyone ever plus we’ve already seen so much lace on Kate, it’s clearly a cry for help, someone please get The Little Duchess Who Couldn’t  into fashion rehab.

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Kate’s matronly updo appears to be the work of Amanda Cook Tucker and Kate’s makeup looks like it was done by Skeletor.

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All artists paint themselves.

Kate was seated at the end, once again partially obscured by centerpieces.  And once again during the speeches, Kate appeared to be unfamiliar with the listening process, looking around to see what others were doing while the grown-ups talked.

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The state banquet was a first for Prince Harry who escorted the Marchioness of Cholmondeley into the ballroom and sat next to her for the evening.

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While there was no order in Kate’s court for the Spain state banquet, the courts of Wimbledon have been infested with Middletons.  With Kate now Wimbledon’s royal patron, Carole, Pippa and James have appeared a little extra smug with their royal boxiness.  While royal box seats are by invitation of the Chairman of the All England Club, clearly the Middletons are benefiting from their in-laws status. The Queen has done nothing, however, suggesting she is perfectly fine with the Middletons being the face of the modern monarchy.  Do you remember Princess Diana’s sisters?  Me neither.  But then again, they didn’t hire Posh Spice’s PR rep to keep them in the news.

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