The Crotch Clutching Of A Future Queen

Kate Middleton’s Nipple Button Coat reminded me of the subliminal ways Kate conveys messages through fashion and body language.  While the Palace may frown on Kate baring her bits on balconies and flashing her privates wherever there is breeze, Kate still manages to draw attention to her genitalia.  As she would have been taught in her Art History classes, one way to direct the focus of a viewer’s eyes is with hand placement.  Kate likes to keep hers on her crotch, either with a clutch pressed up against her vagina (technically speaking her mons pubis and labia majora) or bare-handing it.

Hilary Mantel incurred public wrath by pointing out, “a royal lady is a royal vagina.”  Kate Middleton landed her prince by being sexually available to him any time, day or night, so much so that Prince William’s Royal Protection Officers were credited with giving her the nickname “The Mattress”.  As a duchess, Kate has dutifully produced the heir with the spare on the way.  Perhaps Kate keeps her hands over her vagina because she’s publicly praising it for a job well done.

At least that’s the explanation that’s the least disturbing to me.  Because otherwise we get into some very unsettling scenarios.  Like is  the constant crotch-touching a silent cry for Monistat?  Is her vagina haunted and she has to muffle the spooky ghostly moans coming from within?  Does she keep a colony of bees in her vagina because Wills enjoys fresh honey and she’s afraid the little workers will escape?  And most importantly, does Rebecca Deacon follow behind Kate with a bottle of Purell giving courtesy squirts to all of those who have had to touch Kate’s hands after they’ve been resting on her mons pubis and labia majora?

To kick off the week, here’s a Kate Crotch Clutching Collage.  I just Googled “Kate Middleton” for images to screen grab, no other search terms were required since there are probably more photos of her touching her nether regions than not.  This crotch-clutcher will be called Queen Catherine one day, assuming the British Monarchy doesn’t crash and burn by then and Kate’s marriage remains intact.  Call me a hopeless romantic, but I’m sure Kate’s still got a few tricks up her skirt to remind William why he settled for her in the first place.


Where could Kate have learned that a crotch is a socially acceptable resting spot for hands?  Perhaps Carole knows.




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69 thoughts on “The Crotch Clutching Of A Future Queen”

  1. I really don’t understand who stands like that. I just stood up and tried it, and it instantly messed with my posture. Holding my hands that low drags down my shoulders and makes me look slouchy. I was raised to, when in doubt, hold my hands across my diaphragm area, just above the navel. It helps remind you to keep your shoulders rounded back like they ought to be.

    1. As awkward as that felt, now try walking like that. She keeps those hands there even when in motion.

      I was taught to keep my hands at my side. Across the diaphragm works too. I’ve noticed women with a dance background tend to hold their hands there because of posture as you pointed out. Pretty much anywhere but your nether regions is good. I’m surprised the Palace hasn’t had Kate work with a coach on this because it is pretty appalling. Maybe they tried and she just wasn’t interested.

      1. Better still, try standing the way she stands and wonder how she doesn’t have major back/neck pain.

        Hips forward, legs pushed back at the knees, shoulders hunched and neck forward, chin up!!!!

        Pregnancy is the only time she stood vaguely properly though she still hunched her shoulders, but not as much and she couldn’t thrust her hips forward.

    1. I think handshaking should just be abolished. There are so many variations on proper etiquette around the world, I think the new global norm should be strangers shouldn’t touch. Dirty duchesses definitely shouldn’t be reaching for hands. Although I am a fan of having my hand kissed by a gentleman. One of the greatest film directors of our time used to gallantly kiss my hand when we said hello and goodbye and I still have a little crush on him because of that. As a society, we need to return to more courtly ways.

    2. I have never understood the articles I have read, stating how poised and confident Kate appears, compared to the late Princess Diana. When you realize Lady Diana was 19 years old when she came on the scene and Kate was quite a bit older, I still think Diana had charm to spare.

      Not only is the “hands covering the crotch” routine awkward, what about her waving from the carriage on her wedding day?
      I have seen 5 year olds wave with more grace.

  2. Oh ick! You would think Kate’s mother would have taught her to stand properly and what to do with her hands? She can’t be doing the crotch grab because she is afraid her skirts will fly up (my thought when I first saw her doing this weird pose) because she appears to like her “Marilyn” moments. Didn’t BA teach their stewardesses deportment when Carole was cabin crew?

    1. I tried to post a pic of one of Carole’s crotch clutches in the response but for some reason I couldn’t so I tacked it on to the end of the post. This is an instance of like mother like daughter. I guess it could be worse, Carole could be a habitual nose picker.

      1. Let’s not forget Carole and her gum chewing at William’s passing out parade? I have a vision in my head of the Queen having to check under chairs and tables for deposited gum after Carole has been visiting.

  3. Agreed. This is habit that Duchess needs to kick.

    Hold the clutch purse with one hand at your waist with your left hand, let the other arm hang loose to shake hands when necessary. She is obviously ill at ease since marrying. Maybe we can hope for a new demeanor in the coming year.

    1. Kate Single White Females everything else about Diana, she can’t mimic what she did with her arms? Princess Diana was very graceful with very fluid arm movements, Kate’s like a Wall of Awkward.

  4. It’s a call to arms … Kate never had the class to hold this high public office in the BRF. By class, I don’t mean in the feudal sense, but what is taught at a very young age. I think that royal reporter, now deceased, James Whittaker, got it right.

    Kate was taught to flaunt. At every opportunity, regardless of whether or not it is appropriate.

      1. I totally agree – she doesn’t command the respect of a Royal Duchess because she’s still just “Mattress” and maybe “Door Mat” and of course “Crotch Clutcher”.

        I think its a self esteem thing – her stance that it. A weird attempt to make all 5’9″ of her small and inconsequential. She will begin hunching even more and folding her hands down her skirt. Soon she will just be in the fetal position cocooned in Alexander McQueen and emphasizing every word in her speech because she never bothered to learn it, write it or even read the damn thing ahead of time.

        All those beautiful clutch handbags covered in her man hands and held against her private parts. There is a hidden meaning in all this…

        1. If she were trying to make herself small she wouldn’t strut around in 4″ heels. The crotch hugging thing is just wrong and explains why her posture is so bad.

          I think she’s just way out of her depth and has this need to protect herself and subliminally she’s protecting what got her the ring.

          1. The heels are because she thinks her legs look fat without them. Remember that white dress she wore on Manly Beach in Sydney? They tried to get her in flats because she’d be walking on the beach and they didn’t want her twisting an ankle or breaking her neck but she insisted on wedges because she thought her legs looked too short and stumpy without a heel. Any time she shows leg, she thinks she has to be wearing a shoe with some height, that’s why after giving birth she wore those wedges with the blue polka dot dress. Which conspiracy theorists had a field day with because honestly what woman in her right mind slips on wedges immediately after giving birth?

          1. I’ve often wondered why they list her as 5’10” . If William is 6’3″ then when she puts on her 3 – 4 inch heels she would only be 1 – 2″ shorter than him and it’s more than that. They keep trying to make her what she isn’t.

            1. Eh, not sure. I’ve seen her out shopping and she seemed very tall to me, and it actually am 5’10”. I did not take note of her footwear, however. I was blinded by that massive ring!

  5. True; taught to flaunt. She’s never been the type a decent boy would take home to Mum, IMO. A bit too quick to shack up and flash her wares. Let’s not forget, she shacked up with William in her teens … red alert for the BRF, right there. Stalker anyone?

    1. According to Uncle Gary, she had slept with eight men before William. I take no issue with how many guys she’s been with, the part that creeps me out is that she was sharing details of her sex life with UNCLE GARY.

      1. Maybe he was a mentor of sorts…Carol handled the more practical side of bagging William and Uncle Gary consulted on the sleazier aspects.

      2. Uncle Gary also told the world that at a particularly drunken dinner, William shared the fact that he likes small breasts.

        1. You know out of everyone in that family, I’m kind of going to believe whatever Uncle Gary says. He really doesn’t have any ulterior motives that I can see. He’s got his own money, he’s not trying to start up a painted marshmallow business or become a correspondent on a big news show. I think we need more revelations from him. It’s no wonder Ma Midds has cut him out of the immediate family. The dude knows where the bones are buried.

          1. Yes, he does since he helped bury them. I was just wondering when he’d made this revelation about Kate Middleton. It isn’t something that is widely known and some of her followers insist she’s only slept with William.

            1. It seems credible that Uncle Gary financed his poorer, older sister in her quest to get her daughter the coveted ring and marry into the highest social order of a social climber’s dreams …

          1. That’s so funny you said that, Herazeus. I just tried looking for the article and I couldn’t find it, maybe you’ll have better luck. It’s strange the things that have disappeared over the years on the internet about Kate. There was a pre-wedding interview of the friends she dumped when she started dating Prince William that I’ve tried finding but that appears to be completely erased. There wasn’t anything scandalous in it, it just had this one quote by one of her former friends that made you feel bad for them being cast aside once she started dating Prince William, she was obviously hurt that suddenly Kate abruptly severed all ties but still she wished Kate and William well.

            1. Lola: I remember that too. Can’t find it on the net.

              In order to find the one i’ve quoted above, I had to go to the Guardian’s website and do a search for uncle Gary. The article was embedded in their Uncle Gary Crib sheet.

              The exact words Uncle Gary claims William said in relation to preferred breast size are,’more than a handful is a waste.’

              1. And that is why Kate remains or maintains a pin thin figure. Any bigger and William won’t be attracted to her anymore.

              2. I’m glad you remember it, too. I really thought I read it (as opposed to something I heard from a friend of a friend). It’s interesting the references to her former lovers has disappeared. I would actually feel bad for Kate if the only man she ever slept with was Prince William.

                1. Found the article! I had it posted on my blog after all (just different post), quote:
                  “One such is with a girl called Mel. She and Kate were close at St Andrews, and, until recently, shared Kate’s flat, owned by the Middletons, in a swish Chelsea apartment block. It was here that Kate celebrated her 25th birthday last month.
                  Mel, we have been told by a reliable source, was extremely upset to discover that she had not been invited to the soiree, but her boyfriend had.
                  “Mel and her boyfriend and Kate and William used to all hang out together at university,” said the source. But Mel was Kate’s friend, and her boyfriend, who played rugby, was William’s.
                  “No one could believe that she hadn’t been invited, and he had. Everyone was really shocked. Kate was very popular at St Andrews, everyone liked her. But she has inevitably changed over the past year. She is not the same person. Her new lifestyle has meant that most of her old friends from St Andrews hardly see her.”

            2. Lola, I think I have an article that mentions about a former friend from St. Andrews that wasn’t invited to a party, but her boyfriend was and the friend that was left out was Kate’s friend. I’ll look for it again, but I think I already posted it on “the fairy tale” posts.

          2. My2pence: i’m away from bigger devices except my phone and I can’t post links from it.

            Please Google: Dailymail: ‘Kate Middleton’s uncle exposed as drug dealing millionaire’ by Rebecca English. Dated 7th October 2009

            This article has quotes from Uncle Gary which were part of the tabloid sting carried out by the News of the world and written up in the 6th October 2009 edition of NOTW.

      3. You know Lola, I had forgotten about Gary’s comment. And that is just another creepy coincidence with Diana… Diana’s uncle said that she was a virgin publicly and Gary tell publicly the opposite. I seem to recall a comment that said that Kate would have good experience (or something alike) in the bedroom.
        I don’t have an issue with the guys she slept or not either, it’s her life.

  6. I have and always will side eye her for this. Seriously, who stands like this? I can’t speak for everyone else, but for me (who am of average hight 1.65 mts) in heels this messes my posture like heck. I tried this posture once in small heels (my max is 3″) and immediately I was off balance, because my shoulders came inwards. Like Kate I have a broad back, so this is an issue you I have to be careful, I usually have to stand with my hands on my side or holding them back.

    Maybe this is the Middleton’s idea of how a proper lady should stand? I don’t know. But it just looks so weird, is she trying to remind us that it was her vagina and William’s ability to always have it at his disposal that got her the ring?

    1. I don’t understand how she can walk like that. It has to throw off your entire center of gravity. It’s amazing she’s never tipped over.

      I hope Kate’s vagina never does The Vagina Monologues, its story would make me so sad. And nauseated. But she did get her Precious.

      1. It does throw you off, because you’re pulling in your shoulder blades add heels and gravity might be calling on you sooner or later.

        Oh boy, that is one story I would not like to hear. And perhaps she didn’t even get “the Precious” she wanted. As a matter of fact, one of my very first blog post on Wicked was about Pippa hiding Kate’s ring. According to a news article Kate took the ring off to try some other rings and that’s when Pippa hid it. Man, Freud would have a field day with these two sisters… scratch that, the whole family.

        1. I would love to get them on one of the celebrity addiction kind of shows. Their addiction would be social climbing and the lengths they go through to get the prize.

          1. That would be one heck of a train wreck. And I’d (who hates most reality tv) would watch the hell out of it. I wonder if ma is disappointed that George Percy didn’t yield as easily as William.

    1. I saw that article, but I’m side eying it; Sophie has grown comfortable in her years as a member of the firm and her fashion sense has grown with her. She’s the one who was asked to be a patron of the fashion industry for (I believe) 5 years, not Kate.

      And the stance, yeah, Sophie has done so before (the wedding and several other occasions), but for most the most part she doesn’t as often as Kate does. I’ll worry when she starts to ‘accidentally’ flash.

    2. That article is such an idiocy because often Kate wears similar clothing months AFTER Sophie has worn them.

      Plus, McQueen is a beloved fashionista label, and Sophie has recently been appointed as Patron to the London School of fashion. She’s the first royal patron any fashion institute has ever appointed. She’d be slated if she didn’t wear McQueen.

      Kate didn’t start wearing McQueen until her wedding day and even then because her step SIL, Sara (Wife of Tom Parker Bowles) steered her in that direction. Sara was a very close friend of the late Alexander McQueen and she’s one of 2 women that he ever agreed to design wedding dresses for. The other being Plum Sykes.

      Sophie is twice unlucky that no one will credit her with being fashionable or having an original thought.

      When she came on the scene, she was repeatedly pitted against Diana. Superficially she did resemble Diana, but the clothing choices were entirely her own, plus she dressed like every other woman in the 90s.

      Now she’s finally re-emerged from a terrible ordeal of her pregnancies (nearly died every time) and recovery, made herself over and she’s now being accused of copying Kate.

      If Kate was such a fashionista, why wasn’t *she* chosen by a fashion college to Patron?!

        1. I agree about Sophie…but I have to say I reallybduslike her choice in clothing for her daughter…the son I dont recall seeing much of. Kate manages to dress George fairly cute..not sure if HE has a stylist already lol

          1. I don’t have much problem with Louise’s clothing, she’s still a girl and by the shoes, she seems to have some feet problem. Sure, she could dress her better, but she’s still a girl and mostly out of sight. And James, he seems to be dressed appropriately.

    3. No, they wouldn’t be taught to stand that way. Sadly, it’s a sign of poor breeding.

      At rest, a lady’s arms should be by her side or with her hands clasped at the diaphragm. You will notice ladies with the best posture tend to stand with their hands at their diaphragm, it really reminds you of your posture, it’s also a little more old-school proper, it’s how Queen Elizabeth II stands. Hands at the side is a more open and friendly stance, it’s more modern, but you must make sure you don’t slouch without being so rigidly postured that you look like you’re standing at attention.

      Hands should never ever be over your genitalia. You’ll notice Prince William has started standing with his hands clamped over his crotch. I think he’s subconsciously mirroring Kate because it is not appropriate for a gentleman to stand this way. Prince Charles stands appropriately for a gentleman, usually his hands are at his side.

      Not only will Kate bring down the monarchy, she’s starting a very unrefined trend of crotch grabbing.

  7. Nutty, but better than the arse digging she used to do.

    I still think it’s so she won’t have to touch the peasants. She’s very tightly contained yet doesn’t crotch clutch when she’s out and about shopping.

    1. Oh, yes and don’t forget the hair flying everywhere around other people’s food … one of my pet peeves. Ugh!

      I don’t think Kate is 5ft 9 – more like 5ft 8 max. It’s amazing how high heels gives the illusion of being much taller. Kate has relatively very short legs actually.

        1. Kate’s official height has been changed since the Royal Wedding from 5’10” to 5’9″. I believe her actual height falls just a hair shy of 5’9″. Princess Diana was 5’10” and I believe Kate’s height was padded around the time of the engagement announcement to erroneously draw that parallel between the royal brides. Additionally Kate always wears towering heels because she has an unusually long torso, if her legs were in proportion with her torso, she would be 6’1″. Kate’s wears high heels to elongate her legs and make herself look more proportionate, which is also why there’s some haziness about her real height.

  8. You have to wonder if some type of ‘revenge of the Middletons’ is going on right now in November 2014.
    Case in point: Royal family wishes vs. Middleton wishes.
    –don’t go to the media/ so Pippa and James do exactly that in the USA
    –recycle your clothes and be thrifty–so Kate buys new coats
    when she doesn’t need them, has other coats already.
    –have some modesty about your clothing–so Kate wears a nipple coat (blue one) and inappropriately short dress with a tail (the stretchy blue one at the gala).
    –wear jewels with regality and be a elegant duchess—so Kate wears store-bought trinkety-jewels with her hair covering them on official engagements.
    –stop denying your pregnancy by wearing sky-high heels and tight flared coats–so Kate does the exact opposite and dresses in a manner than most pregnant women could not endure for half a day due to foot sprain and normal weight gain.
    –show some decorum and a sense of service at memorial services–so Kate leans her head back and appears to be sun bathing in full makeup, staving off boredom.
    –stay with your husband and learn to be a separate family–so Kate was at home with Mum for a long time past when her pregnancy induced ‘illness’ ended.
    This defiance boggles the mind. Is Kate trying to go down with flaming colours? Or does Kate know the game is over so is ‘giving one’ to the Monarchy as she prepares to leave the game? (Perhaps a 2nd marriage to a wealthy footballer would suit Kate better, at the end of all of this.) Only a person about to leave the game would behave this way. For the Monarchy is not a force to be opposed; never has and never will be.
    The Middletons en masse are out of their league.
    Will be interesting to watch how the final chapter in Will’s big mistake, unfolds.

    1. These back to back media appearances by Middleton siblings will not go over well. I really don’t think they would have been made with Kate’s blessing. Kate has been acting defiantly but her attacks are not being made from a position of strength. When Princess Diana rebelled, she had global adoration and was respected for the tremendous work she had done to better the world. Kate is regarded as someone who likes to shop, go on holiday and avoids work all costs. Kate’s hardly the sympathetic figure Diana was.

  9. Will stands that way too – with his hands clutched together over his crotch – even Harry has started doing it. I fear some idiot told them to do that –

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