According to a quasi-scientific study released back in 2005, the third Monday of January is the most depressing day of the year. Despite the questionable criteria used to determine the calendar’s biggest bummer, it’s not that big of a stretch. Fully detoxed from holiday highs and doggie-paddling in the dashed optimism of New Year’s Resolutions, those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are at the peak of winter dreariness, dreading the walk to the mailbox in the cold barren grey stillness for credit card statements made thicker by holiday shopping.
Fortunately, the British Royal Family is maintaining a high level of ridiculousness to distract us from short days, wind chill factors and the ho ho humdrum of January.
On Friday, an announcement was made that Kate Middleton will be serving as Guest Editor for Huffington Post UK for a day in February.
Kensington Palace released a statement saying:
“The Duchess of Cambridge has made the mental health of young people a key focus of her work in recent years. She is delighted that The Huffington Post will help put a spotlight on this important issue.
The duchess will be commissioning contributions from a number of leading figures in the mental health sector as well as from young people, parents, and teachers.”
Royal correspondents were Twitterly unamused.
In addition to running the same kind of pap pics that make Prince William threaten to huff and puff and blow the house down, Huffington Post UK hasn’t always treated the Cambridges in a dignified manner, recently insinuating that Kate confused royal semen with hair gel to achieve Something About Mary sperm hair.
Huffington Post seems to spend an inordinate amount of time pondering royal trouser trout.
Following the birth of Prince George, the US version of Huffington Post speculated that the 150-year-old tradition of circumcising British royals ended with Prince William and Prince Harry whose foreskin was not removed due to Princess Diana’s wishes and surmised that Prince George’s royal scepter would remain intact. Going one step further, Huffington Post UK declared the idea of a circumcision total tosh, accusing circumcision-happy Americans for starting the rumor. Sure, blame the Americans, everyone knows the Declaration of Independence originally included “life, liberty, pursuit of happiness and freedom of foreskin” but had to be modified because the signers couldn’t keep a straight face adding their signatures below the president of Congress’ enormous Hancock.
Without doing any in-depth research on the matter, the Huffington Post still found it necessary to discuss princely staffs. One of the readers here will just have to sleep with Prince Harry to put at least one rumor to bed. It’s quite possible that Prince William and Prince Harry are both circumcised, at least going by the old photos of Prince William taking a leak on a polo field back in 2008 (photos of are not suitable for viewing at work, while eating, after eating or if in general the very thought of Prince William makes your vagina dry-heave). Theoretically, Prince William could have been pushing his foreskin back with his fingers, but at least to me the rounded blur looks a professionally trimmed helmet on William’s little Flight Lieutenant. Did anyone else just throw up a little in their mouth and/or underwear?
While Kate having the Huffington Post swing by Kensington Palace for a day is for an important cause, many are left wondering exactly how this came about.
Or why, especially considering the couple has been seeking to bypass the loathsome media completely with announcements and official royal baby portraits released directly on the @KensingtonRoyal Twitter account. As royal photographer, James Whatling pointed out, perhaps the Cambridges wouldn’t mind the media as long as they completely controlled it.
Within reason, of course.
Perhaps it’s all an elaborate ruse to get Pippa’s CV to Huffington Post since poor Kate is swamped according to a Daily Mail article that ran over the weekend with Kate being the Second Coming of Diana and all. According to the article, Kate has been undertaking secret charity visits like her deceased mother-in-law. I wonder if the Daily Mail knows that Peter Jones is not a charity. The article notes, “As a result she has ordered aides to fill her diary for 2016 and is keen to demonstrate an increased commitment to the charity sector.”
Maybe Kate is keeping these visits such a secret that even those she’s visiting don’t even know she’s there, maybe the children think she’s some kind of fidgety mop boogyman lurking in the shadows. Considering that Buckingham Palace padded Kate’s 2015 numbers to get her up to 62 engagements for the year, including her tour of the set of Downton Abbey, the birth of Charlotte and Charlotte’s private christening in the total, I am skeptical of any report that Kate is secretly doing work for which she’s not getting credit.
Last year Kate’s engagement total accounted only for 1.66% of the entire British Royal Family’s workload. In 2014, she performed 2.23% of the royal family’s duties. Does anyone really expect us to believe that Kate is keen on anything other than shopping? And as for “filling up her calendar”, Kate has yet to have a single event appear in the Court Circular for this year so clearly her calendar is not filled considering we’re already three weeks into 2016 and her last engagement was on December 16, 2015. That’s a five week break from duties, so she’s not exactly hitting the ground running.
In other leg-pulling royal news, the Queen’s eldest grandson, Peter Phillips, is organizing a celebration in the Mall for the 628 charities of which Her Majesty is Patron in honor of the monarch’s 90th birthday. Tickets will run the Queen’s charities £1,500 for a table of 10 people but the charities are permitted to sell up to 40% of their tickets out of consideration for the burden of the cost on these non-for-profit organizations, some of which are very small. Otherwise it would be tacky for a hostess to ask foundations barely scraping by to absorb the whole cost of going to her birthday party, at the very least, people who aren’t involved with the charity at all should have the opportunity to go instead of those who tirelessly devote themselves to their respective causes for little or no pay. This idea could really catch on in event planning, I can see wedding guests lining up at vending machines punching the appropriate button for chicken or fish and baby showers with a cover charge and two drink minimum, the fetus’ cost can be deducted from his or her college fund once the little tyke is born. Peter Phillips insists nepotism had nothing to with his company, Sports and Entertainment Limited, being the one selected to organize the event for which he is receiving an undisclosed sum. The Queen’s grandson declared, “I was very conscious to make sure we did this properly, so we went through the normal channels of approaching the Palace. We had to show that this wasn’t a case of trying to cut corners because the Queen happens to be my grandmother.”
The fact that Sports and Entertainment Limited was selected to plan Her Majesty’s 90th birthday bash I’m sure had nothing to do at all with Peter Phillips’ royal family ties, just like I’m sure it was simply a coincidence that Peter Phillips’ company Sports and Entertainment Limited was the one that brokered the £150,000 deal to sell the first photos of Zara’s daughter, Mia, to Hello! magazine.
It’s rather unseemly to sell tickets to this event, the Queen’s 90th birthday isn’t a concert. She’s the Head of State, not Adele. Unless Her Majesty, Prince Philip and Prince Charles are going to put on wigs, cat ears and leopard leotards and perform as a Josie and the Pussycats tribute band, I can’t imagine paying to be part of someone’s birthday celebration.
Richard Palmer’s Twitter page has been a goldmine of disenchantment in recent days. One of his latest blows was an Express article about Norfolk Country Houses From The Air for sale at the Sandringham gift shop containing commissioned aerial photographs of Sandringham and Anmer Hall. The book contains the very types of photos that Prince William crusaded against, petitioning to have Anmer Hall declared a no-fly zone. I guess it’s only a privacy violation if you’re not getting paid.
The entertainment value of the ridiculous antics of the British Royal Family have helped a bit with my winter blues. And here I thought all January would have to offer was the return of the X-files on Sunday.
The truth is out there and so is this underground video of Bree Sharp’s David Duchovny which is a festival of 90s nostalgia. If you didn’t get at least a bit of chuckle from those silly British royals, perhaps this video will push you a bit further out of the Blue Zone. It was made by members of the X-files crew and shown at their holiday party. Because of the multitude of celebrity cameos, some of which were shot on the sets of other shows on the same lot, it could never be officially released.
Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wijp4-3giNw