The Charge of the Prince Brigade

Half a league, half a league, 
Half a league onward, 
All in the valley of Death 
   Rode the British Monarchy.

 

The Daily Mail has its own take on Jason Knauf, Communications Secretary for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry.  They suggest the spin doctor is neither an idiot or the most evil adversary the British Royal Family has ever faced, he is simply a yes puppet perched on the tyrannical hand of the Petulant Prince who listens to no one on his staff.  As Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s poem Charge of the Light Brigade details, very bad things can happen when people blindly follow a leader who blunders.

If Prince William is behind the wheel fully intent on driving the British Monarchy off a cliff and Punxsutawney PR Puppet Jason is just along for the ride and doesn’t see his spine, exactly how many months remain until the winter of our discontent?

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I’m not really sure, I sort of lost interest when I realized the answer might involve math.

Plus, the Cambridges have a curious way with their numbers.  On Thursday March 10th, they may have undertaken two or three engagements.  The first engagement at Maytree, a suicide counsel center, was labeled a private one.  Normally these private engagements do wind up counting towards their dismally low annual totals,  but at this point the Court Circular’s website hasn’t been updated with the latest for confirmation so I’m sticking with a total of two for Thursday.

Maytree

“Forward, the Prince Brigade!
Charge for the cameras!” he said.

Waiting photographers were told  to go away, part  of Prince William’s ongoing campaign to  limit the number of royal photographers permitted at their engagements.

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In the photos of Kate that made it on social media, she looked rather rough which shows why it’s a good idea in general to be nice to photographers.

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Kate’s right eyelid (left in the above photo) was drooping more than the other.  Causes for unilateral ptosis can be attributed to either natural aging or be a side-effect of  Botox.  There’s nothing natural about how quickly Kate is aging, especially since she’s said to enjoy the deadening embrace of neurotoxin.  The puffiness of Kate’s right lid (photo left) in comparison to the left suggests a likely Botox-assist.

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Kate was so keenly keen on showing her keenness for suicide awareness, she didn’t even bother taking off her coat at Maytree or for the first official engagement at St. Thomas Hospital where she and Prince William met with Jonny Benjamin whose suicide attempt was stopped by Neil Laybourn  six years ago.  Once back at Kensington Palace for a group discussion, Kate finally took off her coat.

The body language and forced expressions of William and Kate on Thursday suggested they were uncomfortable, but those revealing the most agonizingly painful moments of their lives when they were so bereft of hope they tried to commit suicide did their very best to try to make William and Kate feel okay about having to be there.

“Forward, the Prince Brigade!” 
Was there a man dismayed?

 

Oh, yeah.  It was hard to watch as many commented.

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FakeLooks Pamelass:Harriet

On Friday, William and Kate had another joint engagement.  Those crazy kids, giving us twice the uselessness with an XLP event meeting at-risk youth who have benefited from the mentoring program.  Kate even wore a new red and white checked outfit by Eponine.  I think I probably liked it but I couldn’t really tell because of the same ol’ problem.

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The Daily Mail has a gazillion photos and yet not a single  one of Kate without her clutch firmly held against her crotch disturbing the visual lines and minds everywhere.

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Seriously, what is in that thing, a vibrator set all the way up to jackhammer?  That would explain all the over-the-top random mouth-agape expressions.

On Friday on Instagram, someone had PR blundered again with this post.

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Quite a few people made the same comment that William looked like he was peeing on flowers.

WhyIsHePeeingOnThoseFlowers Wee Comment

I actually noticed he looked like he was peeing at the same time I processed the clenched buttocks and his super wedgie so my initial thought was that William was very angry about having to pee on those flowers.  He really does resent everything, doesn’t he, even urination?  I noticed I wasn’t the only one who saw His Royal Wedgie.

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I don’t care how neutered William’s staff is, this photo should not  have been posted on Kensington Palace’s Instagram account.  Even if William said, “I don’t think anything quite captures the tragic loss of life of the Japan tsunami like a picture where it looks like I’m holding my willy,” someone should have replied, “What the fuck is wrong with you?  Let us do our jobs.  We don’t walk into your luxury resort suites while you’re on holiday and tell you how to do nothing, we know you’ve got totally fucking useless all figured out.”

I’ve never viewed Charge of the Light Brigade as a story of courage.  I fail to see the honour of silent self-sacrifice.

Theirs not to make reply, 
   Theirs not to reason why, 
   Theirs but to do and die. 
   Into the valley of Death 
   Rode the six hundred.

 

True courage is standing up to a leader you know is wrong.  Having the strength to say, “Sooo, noticed the Death Valley sign, saw you blunder, let’s brainstorm a new strategy so we don’t all have to die. ‘K?”

The army of media continues to storm the Cambridges with critical articles while all the world wonders with Camilla Tominey taking the latest shot  while Ian Burrell of The Independent  also thundered.  Shattered and sundered they might ride back, but not the six hundred.

redheart

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45 thoughts on “The Charge of the Prince Brigade”

  1. LOLA!!! You should have prefaced this post with a warning. If you are drinking coffee and wearing white, please drink up before reading or you will be a MESS. Thoroughly enjoyed my morning laugh as preboarding commences around me. And I will just throw on a hoodie for the flight

    1. I’m sorry, Cookie! It goes against everything I believe in to ruin a good spit-take though. You just have to work on the distance and arc so that you share the comedy with innocent onlookers and not with your own shirt. Sharing is caring.

  2. Very good Lola, very funny!
    If I remember my history correctly, didnt the Charge of the Light Brigade disaster happen due to someone not understanding orders given by an officer with a foreign accent?
    Could it be that the KP staff don’t understand Jason’s US/NZ accent and that’s why mistakes are being made? #itsjustatheory

    1. Thanks, Cathy! I’m not actually sure if the miscommunications were due to an accent issue. My dad’s the war buff in the family, I’ll have to ask him next time I see (after making sure he doesn’t have a 9 disc boxed set of of Crimean War Documentary DVDs). I’m pretty sure the first executed command of this battle was a charge in the wrong direction.

      I’ve never come across a Brit who couldn’t understand me, but I’ve had voice and diction training for theatre so that might have something to do with it.

      1. Hi Lola
        My great great great great grandfather was in the 4th Light Brigade and was part of the charge, surviving obviously. His comments on the officers were extremely pithy. He was still alive when my grandfather was little so what I’ve heard were stories told to my grandfather by him.
        This comparison is good as it was upper class English believing they knew best and not wanting to listen to anyone which lead to that disaster, as well as Gallipoli, and many other battles.
        When I was thinking about accents I was actually thinking about Kiwi accents. We can talk fast at times and people with English as a second language can find us hard to understand at times.

  3. Cookie I totally agree, that was an excellent post yet again! Lola is certainly on top form with this embarrassment of riches which is the dismal duo’s PR disaster!
    I think that Sporting Bill is actually really taking a pee! Look at the ground in front of him…….. It’s soaking wet! What an eejit!
    I wish I could unsee his trousers disappearing up his a*se!

    1. I’ll be damned. The flower wrapping turned yellow too!

      Seinfeld question on the wedgie: Does he wear boxers or jockeys?

    1. Sorry, I still have tears in my eyes and didn’t see the fact I cannot spell dog. And I think Kate is stupid.

  4. until this post, i didn’t realise they carried out 3 engagements that day. i thought it was two composed of them in a situation where they are welcomed into the building by the two gentlemen and after a light chat on the sofa join the rest of the group [green coat] . afterwards, off to KP where she removed her coat.

    and since no words were spoken to the public or even tweeted by KP about each visit beyond the 2 young men and the KP meeting, i’ve continued in my wrong assumption that they had just 2 engagements tat day.

    regarding the photos, ive read comments elsewhere and on twitter that they also won’t do walkabouts. they arrive at engagement, go straight into the building without acknowledging photographers or fans, do the engagement, and walk out, straight to the car to be driven.

    no use for anyone fan or foe, if their intent was to catch a glimpse or even meet them.

    1. How far will the Cambridge’s be allowed to go? As few engagements as possible, and as short as possible; few photographers asked to document proceedings ; no talking to well-wishers (if there are any these days… are crowds small?); taking over their PR decisions; blaming all and sundry when they fall flat. They are beyond offensive. I wonder what’s next in this saga?

      I agree, Jason and the rest of them need to exit as soon as possible, if only to salvage what’s left of their professional reputations.

    2. Just going off of social media, I didn’t realize they were separate engagements either, I happened to notice a line in Rebecca English’s article that clued me in because it looked like two rooms at the same location.

      They count walkabouts as separate engagements for Kate and William so they likely think if they’re not scheduled for it, they’re not doing it. I’ve noticed on a handful of occasions that if someone screams out something like, “I love you, Kate!” she’ll turn and do a mini wave in the direction of the voice and go right in. It’s in stark contrast to how Prince Charles and Camilla manage an arrival, there’s an order to it, first they make sure the photographers got the arrival shots they needed, they access the crowd for the best strategy, etc. Harry wings it, sometimes becoming engaged in conversations which annoys William at joint engagements because he just wants to get in and out.

  5. #poorJason.

    yes he got himself into this mess, and is now making it very clear this isn’t his fault, but this is still a very high profile public failure on his watch.

    He should take a leaf out of Jane Atkinson’s book and quit as publicly and as noisily as possible after being hired by Diana only to find that she was expected to be a yes man AND Diana was going out of her way to operate behind her back. The whole thing was spun to make Diana look better, but Jane made it very clear that it wasn’t her….

    http://www.thefreelibrary.com/EXIT+No15%3B+DI+'LOSES+CONFIDENCE'+IN+PR+GIRL+JANE.-a061328289

    1. Thanks for the article! I wonder what kind of crazy non-disclosure/confidentiality agreement Jason had to sign for the Paranoid Prince. Like maybe there is a clause he has to enter a monastery and take a three year vow of silence upon termination just to keep him from leaking any pesky truths.

      1. I once knew this kiwi who briefly worked for the royals. And by brief i mean 3months. He arrived fresh off the boat, job arranged by family connections, all bronzed and full of beans in the way only AUS/NZ-landers can be and 3 months of working for the royals he was as grey as Kate’s outfit for the Commonwealth service. We thought he was ill or something, but the level of stress the job caused him literally drained his colour. I’ve never seen a human being change like that. before or since.

        Last I heard, he’d found a job in Washington.

  6. I have been a forever fan and devotee, Lola. First time commenting. Princess Diana and I were +/- the same age and had children circa same years. I was a huge fan of HRH Diana Princess of Wales. “Wills” , Waity, and the relentless Middletons are the Kudzu of Britain. In the Southern US, Kudzu is referred to as “the vine that ate the south”. ‘Nuff said

    1. Welcome officially! Kate and Pippa were known as the Wisteria Sisters because they were “highly decorative, terribly fragrant and with a ferocious ability to climb.”

        1. kudzu is parasitical and invasive to the extreme. It grows six inches overnight, herbicides cannot kill it. The only known cure is a HERD of very hungry goats

          1. Dear God, let’s send in the goats **now**. And while the first herd is eating keep several herds on a strict diet so they’ll be really hungry and perhaps uproot the source of the mold and slime. You may have to blindfold the goats since one look at the Supreme Sleaze and even the goats might lost their appetites.

  7. “Seriously, what is in that thing, a vibrator set all the way up to jackhammer? ”

    I demand to know the width and circumference–ROTFL!

    1. Well, today IS Pi Day……

      And I must refrain from reading Lola’s blog in the library; the patrons are thinking I’m having a heart attack at the information desk from all the wheezing I’m doing from suppressing my laughter!

      1. Happy Pi Day! If the patrons think you’re suffering heart troubles, though, you might start getting flowers. You might want to see if you can get presents out of this…

  8. Great post as usual Lola! While the Cambridges certainly give us plenty of material, you are spoiling us with a unique and hilarious take on their foibles.

  9. Norland Nanny Maria is better qualified to deal with Wee Willy and his petulant, temper tantrum throwing nature than Jason ever will be.

  10. Lola, honest to god your writing makes my day better. I literally laughed aloud in the office! Now if you will simply post every day that would be great…thanks. (Office Space boss voice)

  11. Regarding the photo of Will… I wanna know who photoshopped out Carole – kitted out in her AHS black latex body suit, paddle in hand playing Fifty Kate Shades of Grey? They also forgot to add the conversation bubble above Will’s big head that says ” Thank you Ma! May I have another?” I’ll show myself to the corner…

      1. Sorry Lisa! Unfortunately it was one of the first images that came to my head. At this point I do wonder who is more delusional – me or the midds I’ll trek to Costco for the club size Clorox!

  12. So if this is truly the winter of our discontent, will Harry soon be muttering, “Simple, plain William. I do love thee so, That I will shortly send thy soul to heaven, if heaven will take the present at our hands.” Surely there must be an evil mastermind here somewhere, and somehow I really doubt it’s Knauf. Maybe Harry can buy himself a hump on ebay!

  13. Well… That deteriorated quickly!

    Off with both of their air-heads, can we just put Harry on the throne when Her Majesty & Charles passes?

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