Tag Archives: Kate Middleton

Kate Doesn’t Mind The Gap

I’m a little worried about Kate Middleton.  Not so worried this post will be devoid of all snarkiness, just concerned enough to entertain the notion that maybe the Duchess of Cambridge might be struggling with more than just tan lines, or that maybe those tan lines sadden her more than we will ever know.

Despite having only worked 4 of the last 110 days, Kate seems to be one lifeless Poppet recently, her face is strained, she’s been clenching her jaw, she’s fake-smiling like a normal person and not a radioactive comic book supervillain named Pageant Girl, and she’s frugally shopping again.  On Monday while the Queen, Prince Philip and Prince William unveiled statues of Windsor Greys, Kate went shopping at The Gap.  And she bought Prince George these pants:

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Prince George isn’t tall enough yet to be able to carry off horizontal stripes, this is totally going to make him look hippy.  Kate knows better than that.

When looking at photos of the weekend wedding Kate attended with Princes William and Harry, I noticed what appeared to be dark tear streaks on Kate’s cheeks, so I asked for a second opinion on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva.  Herazeus answered, “The first thing that struck me before you brought this up, is that she has streaks down the side of her face consistent with streaked mascara that’s been running when a person cries.”

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Kate flipped on the smile switch for pictures, but the dark streaks became even more evident in more light.

Now, it was a friend’s wedding, people sometimes cry at those, but usually that happens during the wedding.  Guests usually don’t get in a pre-cry.  At least I don’t, I’m usually too preoccupied with trying to avoid Spanx-related near-death experiences.

I commented in my last post that Prince Harry was walking behind her in a lot of the weekend wedding photos, maybe using Kate as a human shield.  The more I think about it, though, the more I suspect Captain Harry Wales had her six.

In the family portrait taken on March 18th and released over the weekend, even with a level of PhotoShopping making her look like she’s her own Madame Tussauds wax figure, there’s a lot of tension in her jaw.

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This is her usual Duchess smile:

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Her smile in the family photo is almost a grimace in comparison.  Why so sad, girl?

Now, Kate’s always been a bit work-shy, something the Queen attempted to address back in 2008 without success.  I can’t imagine the Queen hasn’t noticed that when Kate leaves for the Australia/New Zealand tour, she will have only averaged one official engagement a month for the past four months.  That’s shocking even for a woman whose nickname is Lazy.  Has Kate perfected ducking Duchess Duties or has she been given a Duties-Free pass because something is amiss?

This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sitings.  Maybe Kate’s ultimate goal is to get her official engagements down to one a year and if she sees her shadow, it means there’s six more weeks of winter.  There are all sorts of rumors on the internet hypothesizing about her disappearing act and why she seems like a shadow of her former shell lately.  They range from speculation that she is still suffering from postpartum depression to marital problems to her starting to crack under the pressure of expectation that came with the title.  As much as I criticize her for not being involved in more charity work, I don’t want to see her unhappy.

The Australia/New Zealand Tour should be interesting.  She’s got appearances on fourteen days with only three rest days.  Even though for most, what she’s got scheduled is akin to our level of activity while on vacation, this girl hasn’t done any real stretching to prepare her.

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The Empire Strikes Back

Prince Charles’ Press Office has been tasked with the unenviable job of making the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appear a little less let-them-eat-cake in the public eye.  From a strategic standpoint, I must say, well done.

On March 18th, the Duke and Duchess made a £5,000 donation to Rhyl Town Mayor’s Flood Appeal.  Good deed, but it was an anticipated move.  On one of Kate’s fan sites, HRH Duchess Kate, a commenter going under the handle Maryland Moxie stated, “A surprise donation to help the needy after a lovely vacation in the Maldives! What thoughtful generosity and how kind of the PR team to publicize it. Here’s hoping all the fans will follow their lead and help out too. The Maldives economy and the people struggling in Britain. In which ever order you prefer.”  On Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva, commenters did the math and the general consensus was, “That’s it?”

In chess terms, their donation would be known as the English Opening.

It wasn’t until Wednesday March 26th that the game got interesting.  US Magazine revealed that according to a “source”, while the Duke and Duchess were in the Maldives, they missed George’s first crawl.  Information about Prince George is more carefully guarded than the Crown Jewels in the Tower of London, the only permissible source is one of the two parents, and the article would have indicated which parent was quoted.  This “leak” is as brilliant as the Second Star of Africa on the Imperial State Crown.  In addition to outrage over the second luxury vacation for the UK’s Laziest Royals, the security costs taxpayers were footing the bill for, many objected to them leaving Prince George behind.  By revealing that Prince William and Kate missed the first crawl, those who objected to leaving Prince George behind were able to feel smugly justified in their objections because the Duke and Duchess missed a milestone and now ‘they’ll know better’.  Those who were just generally disenchanted overall got to feel like the karmic checks and balances system was somewhat intact.  Faith in universe somewhat restored.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

That leak also gave them some PR wiggle room.  Should someone point out it’s hypocritical to insist on bringing Prince George with them on the Australia/New Zealand tour when they left him home for Maldives, and dare to suggest that maybe Prince William and Kate are after the same kind of 1983 royal family blanket photo op that made Princess Diana so endearing, they have the excuse that they missed his crawling and don’t want to miss any other milestones.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

Then they turned the focus on Kate as a mother, letting the press know that Kate is “very excited” about Mothering Day.  Her very first.  Mothering Day in the UK falls on Sunday March 30th, but the news had to be broadcast four days in advance just so everyone would have time to absorb the excitement of Kate being excited about her first Mother’s Day as a Mum.  Then stories reminisced about how exciting it was when George was born back in July and how excited Kate was and how excited William was and how excited the excited were because it was just oh so exciting.  Is everyone else secretly doodling hearts in their journals, too, just thinking about it?

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

On Thursday, the Duchess of Cambridge was spotted at Zara, casually dressed, picking up some of their affordably priced clothing presumably for the upcoming Australia/New Zealand tour.  Just rummaging through the racks like anyone who happens to walk around with four Scotland Yard bodyguards.

In 2012, Kate spent approximately $94,000 between Duchess-duty clothes and her beauty regime which is more than double the average yearly salary in her country, before taxes of course, which go to supplement the Royal’s lavish lifestyle.

But the Zara appearance on Thursday makes her look like she’s trying to be all thrifty.  Those budget-blowing renovations at Kensington Palace just had to be unavoidable, after all, Kate shops at Zara, she would never blow an extra $1.7 million on top of the $1.8 million unless it was truly necessary.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

Saturday was a double-header of attempted Lazy Duo humanization by the Buckingham Palace Press Office.

Prince William and Kate showed up at the wedding of friends Lucy Meade and Charlie Budgett with Harry in tow.  Harry received his own PR Bitch-Slap this week for taking a ski trip associated with an oligarch who is besties with Kazakhstan’s lead-oppressor who gave Prince Harry use of a government helicopter.  Prince Harry appears to be using Kate as a human shield in some of the pics which can be seen at:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2592424/Awkward-moment-woman-pictured-wearing-coat-Duchess-Cambridge-friends-wedding.html?offset=0&max=100#comment-51229839

Something tragic did occur at the wedding, Kate and another guest showed up wearing the same coat.  The unlucky guest is shivering in the picture, maybe because she’s wearing strappy heels in March or maybe it’s because she knows her picture will run alongside of Kate’s with a caption, “Who Wore It Best”.  I think it’s considered an act of treason not to pick Kate.

Kate is perfectly polished as always, but seeing the two girls side by side makes Kate look even skinnier.  I think Kate might be getting too thin, I have an overwhelming urge to FedEx her a sandwich and maybe some cookies, too.

Two of Prince William’s ex-girlfriends were in attendance.  We notice Kate isn’t smiling that full grin some of us have been assuming is caused by some kind of neurological damage or imminent plans to become Batman’s next villain.  One of the exes is Jecca Craig, the perhaps-not-so-ex-after-all, who accompanied Prince William on his hunting trip to Spain.  I actually feel a little bad for Kate.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

The second half of Saturday’s double-header was the release of the first family photo made public since the christening.  They stuck with the same photographer, Jason Bell, perhaps for his talents with PhotoShopping hair on Prince William.  While tabloids are cooing with delight, it’s not really the most joyful of photos.

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The photographer used a window as a framing device, taking the shot from below which emphasizes the prominence of the family.  The dark background gives the photo the somber feel of a 16th century Venetian portrait.  The positioning of Prince William and Kate is stiff, the only interaction within the photograph occurs between Prince George who turns towards the family’s cocker spaniel, Lupo, with curiousity and Lupo who in turn regards him apprehensively.  In this photo, the Duke and Duchess are relegated to the position of easels.  Kate is seated the furthest back, with Lupo occupying a spot closer to the foreground.  Kate’s role is simply to prop up the son who visually breaks the interior plane of the window frame like his father, both royal by blood.

While undoubtedly released for the UK’s Mothering Day, this portrait is not a celebration of family or even a modern monarchy.  Despite the heavy PhotoShopping, the pronounced bags under Kate’s eyes could not be erased without obliterating half her face, her expression seems more forcibly molded than ever, her glazed eyes unseeing, her left eyebrow appears to have been darkened and thickened slightly to give a sense of movement and life to her frozen face.  Prince William has his shirt sleeve rolled up, an affectation of practiced relaxed cool, his smile that of a prep school student humoring the yearbook photographer with the slightest of sneers conveying that he feels like he’s being a good sport about the inconvenience.  Any hint of a Maldives tan has been swapped out in favor of a porcelain mask finish to better represent the winter pastiness of their people.

Just like everything in the Royal Family, this photo has been over-manipulated by heavy hands to the extent that not much of the original material remains.  Whether for clothing or propping up her son, Kate is used for display purposes only.  The only visible object in the room darkened behind them is a gilded frame, reinforcing the artifice of the image and the Royal Family as a whole.

Better luck next time, Buckingham Palace Press Office.  Nicely played, though.

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Kate Middleton Crowned New Madame Déficit

When it was announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton were engaged, comparisons were immediately drawn between the late Princess Diana and the woman who was now wearing her sapphire engagement ring.  Beyond Kate referencing the mother-in-law she never met through her clothing choices and photo ops, there really are very few similarities.

Back from the Maldives vacation, Kate logged one more official engagement, presenting shamrocks to Irish Guards in Aldershot, Hampshire on St. Patrick’s Day, which brought her total up to four for 2014.  Kate was wearing a brand new outfit, to the relief of the most loyal royalist fashionistas who worried she would try to pull off the dreaded coat threepeat, the effects of which would be more cataclysmic than a meteor the size of Texas hitting the Earth.   Then Kate put a Do Not Disturb Sign on the door to her oblivious privilege and devoted herself to redecorating the redecorated Kensington Palace as well as the couple’s Anmer Hall ten bedroom country house with no more official engagements to clutter her calendar or pretty little head until the Australian/New Zealand tour next month.

Amidst recent unflattering press, Kate’s frivolous spending habits and work-shy approach to her duties have her being compared to another royal figure, a former Queen Consort named Marie Antoinette, who was single-handedly blamed for bringing down the French monarchy.

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Marie Antoinette Kate Middleton
Earthquake in Lisbon on her date of birth Earthquake in Canada & New England on her date of birth
A bit of a tomboy when younger A bit of a tomboy when younger
Marriage arranged by mother Marriage orchestrated by mother
Had to go through French Princess Bootcamp Had to go through Duchess Bootcamp
Described by the Abbé de Vermond as “rather lazy and extremely frivolous” Reportedly described by Queen Elizabeth as “vain, vapid and lazy”
Sisters disfigured by small pox Sister disfigured by strange orange-hued skin
Had teeth fixed as condition of marriage to French dauphin Had teeth fixed by French dentist prior to marriage
April Bride – Married April 19, 1770 April Bride – Married April 29, 2011
Waited 7 years for her husband to have sex with her Waited 10 years for Prince William to become her husband
Intentionally powdered her hair white Gray roots caused global freak-out
Initially loved by the people for her beauty Initially loved by the people for her beauty
Conception rumors early in marriage (Louis XVI rumored to be impotent) Conception rumors early in marriage (Kate rumored to be infertile, William rumored to be Antichrist)
Brother helped address couple’s sex issue Brother no help wearing a dress
Spent a lot of money on clothing Spends a lot of money on clothing
Favorite Designer: Rose Bertin Favorite Designer: Jenny Packham
Obsessed with her hair Obsessed with her hair
Wore heavy makeup with kohl around eyes & lots of blush Wears heavy makeup with black eyeliner & lots of blush
Not permitted to bring pug Mops with her to France Not permitted to bring cocker spaniel Lupo to Sandringham at Christmas
Nicknamed Madame Déficit  & Madame Veto Nicknamed Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle & Madame Déficit
Most cruel nickname: The Austrian Whore Most cruel nickname: The Mattress
Good dancer Good dancer
Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage
Had a lady in waiting in charge of her underwear Probably should have someone making sure she’s wearing underwear
Icy relationship with King’s mistress Rumored icy relationship with Prince Charles’ once former mistress
Extremely chummy with husband’s brother, Charles Extremely chummy with husband’s brother Harry
Liked to redecorate Likes to redecorate
Cost of La Petit Trianon renovations spiraled out of control Cost of Kensington Palace renovations spiraled out of control
Indecisive dull homebody husband Indecisive dull homebody husband
Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with son Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with brother-in-law
Considered not very bright Ditzy comments suggest the bulb is low wattage
Enjoyed hunting Enjoyed hunting, or at least pretended to until she bagged William
Constantly featured in gossip pamphlets called libelles Constantly featured in gossip magazines
Loved bonbons Loves bonbons
Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people
French Invasion of Privacy – ladies in waiting watched her bathe French invasion of Privacy – Paparazzi snapped topless & bottomless pics
Enjoyed putting on plays Enjoyed being in plays
Marrieta, Ohio named after Marie Antoinette Butter London’s “No More Waity, Katie” nailpolish named after Kate
Wore purple shoes to her execution Wore purple shoes & black dress to a wedding & faced fashion firing squad
Frivolous spending contributed to French Revolution Frivolous spending revolting
October 16, 1793 – Beheaded to cheers of once-adoring public October 16, 2013 – 220 years later, Kate goes shopping, Quelle surprise!

While Marie Antoinette has been historically vilified, she wasn’t malicious, she was a rather dull superficial woman whose capacity for kindness was dwarfed by her weakness for extravagance.  She lost the connection between her heart and mind at a time when those who were struggling looked to the monarchy for reassurance and instead saw profligacy.  It’s up to Kate how she is historically remembered, there is kindness within her, hopefully she has the strength of character to not to be lured further away from it by the siren’s song  of decadence.

March is Women’s History Month.  Perhaps Kate can be inspired by the women in this article who are changing the world: http://act.mtv.com/posts/8-women-who-are-changing-the-world/

I know the incredible women behind Thinx: Miki Agrawal, Antonia Dunbar and Radha Agrawal and I am lucky to count Antonia Dunbar as one of my dearest friends.  Antonia radiates warmth, embodies strength, and possesses graceful invincibility.  The luminous beauty of her heart, mind, body and soul co-mingle in molecular and metaphysical fluidity.  Each and every day she strives to make the world better and each and every day she succeeds.  As co-founder of Thinx, Antonia was driven by the discovery that there are 67 million women in the world whose lives were adversely affected by their sanitary needs.  An idea to provide sexy underwear with powerful purpose became a mission.  Three women changing the world, something each of us has the capability to do.

redheart

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Royal Gynecologist Kneels Before Prince William

Kate Middleton’s gynecologist, Marcus Setchell, has been knighted.  So I guess he would be Sir Doctor Marcus Setchell now?  The more pressing question is obviously, does everyone on the planet who has seen Kate Middleton’s vagina get knighted or just the ones who have possibly pulled a royal baby out of it?  The reason I ask is because if you Google “Kate Middleton”, the second related search is listed as “Kate Middleton Bottomless Photos”.  If the criteria is just seeing Kate’s Beaverhausen, Prince William is going to need a lot of Red Bull to knight all those people.

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Is that a giant sword in your pocket or are you just happy to Knight me?

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Normally the Queen handles the Knighting Duties but for some reason Prince William wielded the sword on this one.  Maybe the Queen found the whole thing a little strange herself, Sir Doctor was her gynecologist as well and it might be a little awkward to grant a ceremonial honor to someone who has seen you in stirrups.

There’s been a rumor circulating before any hint of a baby bump was detectable that a surrogate was being used for the pregnancy and it was speculated months ago Dr. Setchell would be granted knighthood for covering it up.  Even though I do enjoy a good conspiracy theory, it seemed a little far-fetched.  After it was reported Kate told her friends her natural labor was “perfect”, however, I started thinking maybe it wasn’t so ridiculous after all.  My friends have described their natural labors pretty much as, “There was a lot of screaming, by my husband when I broke two of his ribs after the doctor told me it was too late for an epidural.  The nurses put me in restraints, but I bit through those things in like four seconds.  It was the most unbelievably horrifying twenty-seven hours of unfathomable agony.”  I just can’t imagine Lazy Katie describing labor as “perfect”.  I mean, labor, ick, the word itself just reeks of effort.

Some have stipulated that a surrogate had to be used because Prince William is the Antichrist and can’t reproduce.  Let me put that rumor to rest right now. Throughout his childhood, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and petulantly declare, “I don’t want to be King.”  Can you imagine the temper tantrum he would have thrown if he had to be the Antichrist?  Being the physical embodiment of evil takes way more effort than just being a figurehead, there’s all that seducing that has to be done, the false miracles, there’s waging war against the holy, it sounds like a lot of work.  One of those phone messages Clive Goodman hacked would have revealed a call to his private secretary that said something like, “I need more Rogaine, don’t forget about my dry-cleaning, and oh yes, please bring about the end of days for me.”

There was one creepy picture I saw from the christening that makes me think maybe we should just keep an eye on George just to be on the safe side.  I don’t want to start any rumors but in one photo especially, he looked like he was plotting something.  Or maybe he had gas, I don’t know, I don’t spend a lot of time around babies.

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The kid seems a little too smart already, he’s got one luxury vacation under his belt and is not attending charity events like a seasoned pro.  Maybe he’s just after world domination, if that’s the case, Lupo will start needing to drink martinis.  And I’m sorry, but this current Lupo doesn’t look like the original one, his tail and snout seem shorter.  How does this family not know to go out and pick up a time machine for canine emergencies?

Brian_GriffinMaybe if they had gotten Dr. Who to be Kate’s gynecologist, they’d already have a time machine at their disposal.  And they wouldn’t have had to bother with the knighting ceremony, Dr. Who is a Time Lord and a Lord beats a Knight.

Sir Mix-A-Lot could not reached be comment.  Truth be told, I didn’t even try that 1-900-MIXALOT, who knows what the rate on that number would be.

I also would like to take a moment to say thank you to pinkorchid on Royal Gossip Forum for posting a thread to the “Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance” as well as one to “My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl”.  I am very honored.

redheart

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All in the Royal Family

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation.  We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives.  Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits.  The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection.  I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family.  I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway.  Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon.  I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on.  I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family.  I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry.  She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles.  Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion.  Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?

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There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny.  She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt.  While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life.  I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean.  Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton.  They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong.  She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies.  Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant?  The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous.  More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie.  The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen.  Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament.  Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away.  E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.

http://www.eonline.com/news/519475/inside-prince-william-and-kate-middleton-s-wacky-maldives-vacation-sex-kits-pillow-experts-and-more

When will the lambs stop screaming?

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.

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Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation.  The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge.  When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing.  In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over.  When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem.  Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified.  The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well.  They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill.  The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying.  Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work.  If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now.  The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else.  I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off.  I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this?  I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum.  And I’ve always got people telling me what to do.  ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’  Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy.  Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty.  Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system.  No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies.  If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press.  Deal?

redheart

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Lazy Katie Works… On Her Tan

Well, Kate Middleton is off for another week-long sun-filled get-away, this time with husband, Prince William.  The couple, dubbed “UK’s Laziest Royals” earlier this year by the press (how funny would a Coat of Arms be for that title, maybe something with a Coppertone bottle and some High Street shopping bags) arrived in Maldives at 9:40am Thursday.

It’s been a whole month since Lazy Katie has had a proper vacation and the poor girl must be utterly exhausted from her three whole engagements this year.  After the National Portrait Gallery appearance discussed in the previous post “Worth the Wait?”, she opened an Art Room at the Northolt High School where she played with her hair a lot and tilted her head, probably contemplating some great sociological issue like whether or not she should get bangs (she totally should).

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She did the obligatory photo with children picture, even though the children didn’t appear to be particularly riveted.

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Then on February 17th, she bravely nodded her head a lot during some celebrity small talk at the Queen’s Buckingham Palace Dramatic Arts reception.  Let’s just dispense with the formalities and give Kate the Nobel Peace Prize right now.

With Lazy Katie’s tan from her Mustique vacation still not faded, this so-called romantic get-away with Prince William is odd timing.  They just had a couple’s night out over the weekend at Louise Aubrey-Fletcher’s birthday party at Bunga Bunga.  That looked super-romantic, the way Kate was trying to figure out what was going on while Prince William was half-way to the car.

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Don’t worry, she caught up to him while he was getting in the car and didn’t have to call Pippa for a ride home.

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This Maldives vacation is also strange considering William is supposed to be presently taking a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge.  I’m sure someone within Prince Charles’ press office is shaking a Magic 8 Ball to come up with a perfectly valid explanation why Prince William doesn’t have any classes this week.

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Now, I know it can be stressful when the care of your child is being transferred from the old nanny to the new nanny, there could be all of those tedious questions, like what are those prosthetic stomaches doing in the linen closet.  But come on, how much longer before eye-rolling provoked by these vacation announcements starts doing some serious ocular damage?  Seriously, I’ve been getting these weird spasms around my left eye, I’m afraid I’m going to wind up needing an eye patch and one of those big white plastic cones dogs have to wear after surgery.

The Lazy Duo can manage to squeeze in a week’s worth of frolicking in the ocean but they insult the Maori King by refusing to grant him more than 90 minutes in their upcoming tour of Australia and New Zealand?  King Tuheitia has said no thanks to the quickie and has refused to meet with them.  They’ve also ticked off another Maori leader by opting not to include historically significant Waitangi on the tour.  Perhaps they felt it was just too ripe for Waity in Waitangi headlines.  There’s already a strong movement within New Zealand to cut ties with the British Crown and Australia is peeved New Zealand might beat them to the punch of full independence.  This seventeen day royal tour, which has three scheduled “Rest Days”, has received a lot of press for Kate’s anticipated longer hemlines and borrowed jewels but thus far it looks like Prince William and Kate have packed a little too lightly when it comes to good will.

Three days of work this year and fourteen days spent frolicking in the surf.  How does this girl not realize she has the potential to bring global attention to important issues and could do so much good?  Does she just not care?

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My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.

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When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.

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For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:

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The markers are:

1. The Vein –

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There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.

 

 

 

2. Mole #1 –

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Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.

 

 

3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.

 

 

 

4. Brows –

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There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.

 

5. Under-eye puffiness –

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This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.

 

6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.

 

 

7. Head scar –

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It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.

 

 

8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-

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Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.

 

 

Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:

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Or this:

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When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.

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Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.

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I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.

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Love,

Lola

Royal Hemline Decree

Kate Middleton just wrapped up her vacation in Mustique where she rested up from those exhausting zero official engagements to date this year and the mere thirty-five in 2013 that cemented her status as The UK’s Laziest Royal.  The Duchess of Doolittle returned from the Caribbean and discovered she had landed in a bit of a fashion bummer.  According to Time’s Newsfeed, the Queen thinks Kate dresses like a “harlot” and has appointed her own personal dresser, Angela Kelly, to make sure Kate wears more Duchess-appropriate attire for her upcoming tour of Australia.

Perhaps the Queen is seeking to avoid another wardrobe malfunction like the one Kate already had in Australia at the Brisbane Airport.

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These “Marilyn Moments” as they are labeled by the press show more than the Queen feels is appropriate.

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Perhaps the Queen objects because she actually met Marilyn Monroe in 1956 while she was in England filming The Prince and the Showgirl and everyone’s skirt stayed where it was supposed to.

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I think the real issue here is less about the hem length and more about Kate needing dress weights like the ones the Queen has sewn into her garments.  And Kate should rethink going commando in dresses, a wardrobe malfunction is way less slutty if you’re wearing underwear.

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In addition to panties, I would also recommend Kate always wear a bra.  Most women’s breasts are slightly uneven, however when Kate goes without a bra, the height of her right nipple makes the set look even more mismatched.

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Kate does show more leg than one would expect of a possible future Queen consort but she keeps it tight, she’s got great gams, a fantastic bum and really, we’ve all seen the whole show already.  It’s common knowledge that Kate doesn’t wax or shave her bikini area, there are photos all over the internet like the white bikini pics that show the circumference of her areolae, she nabbed her prince by stalking him, I think we’ve already sailed way past her being able to pull off demure.

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If a more royal look is being imposed on Kate, her publicly playing with her hair really needs to stop.  Of course, there was the Hair Twirl Heard Round the World on Remembrance Day.

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Whether straight or curled, up or down, Kate’s hair has a five-fingered entourage.

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The constant hair touching conveys boredom as she gets lost in her own locks, with all of the etiquette training she’s had, she should know that it’s inappropriate.

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In many cultures a woman playing with her hair is considered to be flirtatious.  I can’t think of a single country in which a woman playing with her hair doesn’t have some culturally-specific meaning.  As a representative of the UK and the wife of a future king, she needs to be mindful of the message she is conveying.

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In Thailand, there is a spiritual association with hair because the head is considered so sacred.  Kate’s constant fussing with her tresses could be interpreted as the actions of someone who is spiritually deficient.  To a Jordanian, however, Kate pulling her hair back revealing her neck could be interpreted as a sexual advance because in Jordan, the neck is considered especially erotic, she appears to be offering it by sweeping her hair away from it.

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Even with the backlash against her Remembrance Day hair twirl still fresh, she couldn’t keep her hands out of her hair when her husband was commenting on the sad passing of the great Nelson Mandela.  Playing with her ponytail, she forgot she was supposed to look somber and her expression switched over to her default setting of looking like she’s daydreaming of doodling “I Love Unicorns” in her notebook.

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The Queen’s announcement about hemlines comes less than two weeks after Prince Charles revealed that he will be taking control of the press office of Prince William and Kate and absorbing them into his own at Buckingham Palace.  The elimination of the Kensington Palace press office is believed to be Prince Charles’ attempt to remold The Royal Family’s public image and refocus attention away from Kate’s hair and clothing onto more serious topics.

As frustrating as Lazy Katie’s lack of effort when it comes to charitable work can be, frumping her up isn’t the answer.  The fate of tigers is in no way tied into Kate’s hemline and the Firm isn’t going to turn her into Margaret Thatcher by making her wear boxy suits.  And if they did somehow manage to get their hands on magical fabric that enabled such a transformation, they probably shouldn’t, the Queen looked positively beaming at the funeral of the former Prime Minister.

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I think the way to handle the whole Kate Middleton’s wardrobe issue is just make sure she’s wearing knickers and sew in some dress weights.  People aren’t going to stop focusing on her appearance simply if her wardrobe is toned done, instead the media will start digging through the archives and the conversation will be about how much they preferred Above-the-Knee Kate.

The Firm seems reticent about letting Kate speak publicly in recent months following a string of vapid responses which caused eye rolls, smirks and out-right mockery in the global media.  Kate doesn’t have the passion for charity work and natural charm Princess Diana had, she doesn’t appear to have any terribly interesting hobbies of her own like Sarah Ferguson’s extramarital toe-sucking, she doesn’t have the stoic strength of Queen Elizabeth II because let’s face it, no one in the world has that, but she is good at putting cute little outfits together.  Personally, I think the Royal Family needs to be careful about shaking up Kate, when the candy falls out, the party is pretty much over.

The one bonus of having your hemlines royally decreed is the Queen lets you borrow jewels from her private collection, not to be confused with the Crown Jewels which are kept in the Tower of London.  No one actually knows how much the Queen’s Jewels are worth because no gemologist has ever been permitted to examine the collection.  For her upcoming scheduled trip to Australia, Kate will be allowed to borrow some of the Queen’s pieces most of which have been handed down to her by past monarchs. This isn’t like rooting around in your Grandma’s jewelry box, this is some serious badass bling.  My first round draft pick would be the Collet Necklace which is also referred to it as the Coronation Necklace.

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Despite its 160 carats, Queen Alexandra and Queen Mary piled even more diamonds on top of it.  Queen Elizabeth II wears it as I would, on its own, it is the ultimate statement necklace and that statement is “Suck it, Commoners.”  That kind of ice would definitely take the sting out of being told by the Queen that you dress like a tramp.

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Love,

Lola