Category Archives: ♕ Kate Middleton & British Royal Family

Lower Hemlines, Even Lower Expectations

The Royal Tour of New Zealand and Australia has been hyped for months, it was going to be the Duchess of Cambridge as we’ve never seen her before, looking regal with jewels on loan from the Queen and longer hemlines befitting a representative of the British Royal Family.

So how’s that working out so far?

Well, within seconds of stepping off the plane, the Duchified Duchess flashed the crowd.  This photo has been floating around the internet all day, some of us are naturally concerned because the moles near her vagina seem darker than the last time she flashed a crowd.  She should probably get those checked out by a dermatologist and not just the entire New Zealand media.

Kate'sNZCoat

Kate sported an outfit that was a cross between Single White Femaling her late mother-in-law and channeling an Aeroflot airline flight attendant.  We’re assuming that Kate, who had to endure “Doors to Manual” taunts by Prince William’s friends during her days as Waity, didn’t pass out any beverages on the plane because you know, ick, work.  The brooch on loan from the Queen was lost somewhere in the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band buttons.

US Magazine was one of the many outlets who offered the Kate Middleton and Princess Diana red coat side-by-side in their article, here’s their comparison:

katemiddletonUSMagazine

With hair whipping around her face, her dress blowing up, teetering down the slick stairs in high heels, Kate managed not to drop the future King who totally nailed the Blue Steel pose.

Kate reportedly giggled when greeted by Maori warriors, shifting her gaze, uncertain where to look.

maorigiggles

This is the second public giggling fit Kate has gone into during an overseas trip, the first being over bare breasts on the Solomon Islands trip.  Perhaps to Kate, appreciation of culture and the human form is expressed through giggling so in order to make her feel more comfortable, the world should always point at her and laugh.

Oh, wait, a lot of us are doing that already.  Well, carry on.

redheart

 

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Royal Family is Trippin’

Prince William, Kate Middleton and Prince George are on their way to Australia and New Zealand and we’re assured by the UK press that everyone is excited about it.  Waity Katie can’t wait because she’s always wanted to visit, Prince William can’t wait because he has been there before, and Prince Georgie is probably thinking, “I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.”  We’re assured the people of Australia and New Zealand are simply giddy waiting for the trio to touch down.  Because the UK Press has absolutely nothing to gain by passing along royal propaganda.

I mean, it’s not like Royal Family and the press they abhor so much have any kind of agreement in place like the press won’t take pictures of them during their private down time and in exchange for their cooperation in not publishing anything that would damage the carefully crafted public images of the Royals, the Palace will “leak” information to the press, providing them with juicy little tidbits about the Royals so they can sell their papers and magazines.  Oh, wait a second, that’s exactly the arrangement in place.  The often-quoted “anonymous source” in articles about members of the Royal Family is the Buckingham Palace Press Office which of course obtains permission before “leaking” any juicy little tidbits.  (Of course disgruntled staff members and the Royals themselves with their own agenda have also been known to leak to the press directly without going through the Buckingham Palace Press Office.)  Members of the press who do not comply with the arrangement are frozen out.

The Daily Mail published an article about how the Duchess of Cambridge “will use the Royal tour of New Zealand and Australia to champion the cause closest to her heart – the children’s hospice movement.”  The article then went on to praise her and the article went on to compare Lazy to Princess Diana who worked tirelessly for her causes and dared to call Lazy “Queen of Hearts”.  The outrage this caused was so intense, the Daily Mail stopped publishing comments thirteen hours ago and I’ve noticed the tally of comments has decreased.

My comment was not published.  I pointed out that Lazy Kate has only done four appearances to date this year, none of which were for children’s causes and she often mispronounces “palliative”, a word she shouldn’t struggle with if palliative care was truly a cause close to her heart.   I suggested that the article should be labeled a paid endorsement.

Weird they didn’t publish that.

Here are some comments they did publish, though.

Someone from Australia noted:

DMresponse1

To which someone in New Zealand responded:

DMresponse2

 

And people from the UK and Canada chimed in with:

DMResponse3

I have yet to hear one positive comment about the Lazy Duo from anyone in Australia or New Zealand which is probably the point of the visit.  It’s generally assumed that upon the death of Queen Elizabeth II, New Zealand, Australia and Canada will declare themselves full republics.  Out of the mouths of babes who don’t know either what function Prince William and Kate serve: http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/royal-tour/9905651/What-do-Prince-William-and-Kate-Middleton-really-do.

Diana’s 1983 Australian tour with Prince Charles and baby William cast the Royal Family in a very positive light; engaging and enchanting princess, adorable baby, and heir to the throne, all a promising and captivating picture of what the future could hold.  The Royal Family is trying to pull a repeat.  They’ve got a royal trio, but magic can’t be manufactured and Kate is a poor understudy to Princess Diana, try as she might, Pageant Girl has no passion for charity work, her interests are in shopping and hair appointments.

Trying to claim that Kate is a champion for children’s hospices is a feeble attempt to make her seem endearing to those who haven’t been paying attention to her idle approach to Duchessing.  This year, her mere four appearances have been at the National Portrait Gallery where she flubbed a seven sentence speech she had to read from cards and admired a portrait of herself, an appearance at the opening of the Art Room at the Northolt High School, a meet and greet with celebrities at Buckingham Palace and handing out shamrocks to Irish Guards on St. Patrick’s Day.  The rest of the time she was busy going over-budget on taxpayer-funded renovations for her home at her Kensington Palace and off on two luxury vacations.  Queen of Hearts?  Hardly.  If anything, she’s the Joker.

Here’s the tour schedule the Daily Mirror published with its exhausting wine tasting, draining boat rides and strenuous “Rest” days.

NEW ZEALAND

  • April 7 – Wellington: Arrive to ceremonial welcome.
  • April 8 – Rest.
  • April 9 – Wellington: Meet parents and their babies at Government House, hopefully with George.
  • April 10 – Blenheim: Events to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the start of the First World War.
  • Wellington: State Reception where William will unveil a portrait of the Queen.
  • April 11 – Auckland: Meet serving air force personnel and their families. Race each other across Auckland Harbour in Team New Zealand Americas Cup yachts. Ride on a Sealegs craft – boat that can be driven into and out of water. 
  • April 12 – Waikato: William views an aircraft factory while Kate goes to a children’s hospice. Both travel through Hamilton town centre and meet Olympic athletes and open the new velodrome. 
  • April 13 – Dunedin (Travel away from George for one night): Maori tribal welcome, visit cathedral then watch and participate in a Rippa Rugby tournament – non contact rugby.
  • Queenstown: Wine tasting, travel on the Shotover Jet – 50mph white water ride.
  • April 14 – Christchurch: Ceremony for those who died in 2011 earthquake. Watch a 2015 Cricket World Cup event, later visit air force museum and memorial wall. 
  • April 15 – Rest.
  • April 16 – Wellington: Visit a police training college, sign the city’s visitor book then depart.

AUSTRALIA

  • April 16 – Sydney: Arrive and attend reception at the Sydney Opera House.
  • April 17 – Sydney: Fire-ravaged street in Blue Mountains.
  • April 18 – Sydney: Attend the Royal Easter Show, visit a children’s hospice before watching a demonstration by surf life-saving volunteers. 
  • April 19 – Brisbane: RAF base visit then reception for Queensland’s young people. 
  • April 20 – Sydney: Cathedral service then visit Taronga Zoo where the bilby enclosure is being named after Prince George.
  • April 21 – Rest.
  • April 22 – Uluru (Ayres Rock) (Second night away from George): Visit the National Indigenous Training Academy, view Aboriginal art display then walk round part of the rock.
  • April 23 – Adelaide: View young people’s music workshop and watch skateboarding display.
  • April 24 – Canberra: Visit the National Portrait Gallery, attend a reception at Parliament House, plant a tree at the National Arboretum.
  • April 25 – Canberra: Attend ANZAC Day March, lay a wreath and plant a ‘Lone Pine’ tree in the Memorial Garden.
  • Depart for home.

Articles like the one the Daily Mail published are offensive, expecting the public to accept these ridiculous attempts to salvage the royal image.  Respect is earned, not carefully crafted by PR teams.  The Press dubbed Kate Middleton Waity Katie.  And she was also referred to quite frequently in the press as The Mattress.

The Duchess formerly known as The Mattress leads off the cheeky Entertainmentwise.com article published yesterday.  Here’s a screen grab.

ScreenGrabofTheMattress

For those who can’t tell, Kate Middleton is the mattress on the right.

The very press who blasted this woman for almost a decade as being lazy, waiting around for a prince who cheated on her to marry her, giving her the mattress moniker that eluded to her open-leg policy when it came to royalty, now expects us to buy that this woman who rarely makes any charity appearances actually cares about something other than being Mrs. Prince William, shopping, salon appointments and luxury vacations?

Ridiculous.  The Palace has let her skate by with only four engagements to date in 2014 (and really, it’s being generous counting making small-talk with celebrities as an engagement).  If they want us to respect her, she has to earn it.  Until then, I would appreciate it if the press would refer to Kate Middleton by the titles she has earned: Lazy Katie, Waity Katie, The Duchess of Doolittle, and The Mattress.

redheart

 

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A Royal Excuse To Talk About Diamonds

There are some conflicting reports about the status of Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas’ relationship.  Some are claiming an engagement is imminent while others are speculating that the adorable couple have already split because Cressida was a no-show at the Walking with the Wounded charity event she was reportedly co-hosting with Prince Harry.  Ladies, don’t start bedazzling “I Heart Gingers” t-shirts just yet, there are several legitimate reasons that could explain why Cressy wasn’t there.  First of all, it’s possible she was never actually going to co-host with him at all and that was just a rumor.  Secondly, it’s possible she was sick or had a family emergency.  Or maybe it was because everyone is so eager lately to make their every glance proof that they are marriage-bound, Cressida didn’t want to take the focus off the cause.   When you love someone, you think about things like that.  Recently I made a similar decision, I was concerned my presence could cause distracting speculation that would have been inappropriate for the occasion.  Sometimes the best way to support someone you love is to not be by his side.

It’s understandable why there’s so much excitement over the possibility of Prince Harry getting engaged.  Women especially love engagements, not only because they are celebrations of love, but they also give us a reason to talk about diamonds.

A diamond is really just a mineral made up of repeating units of carbon atoms joined to other carbon atoms by a covalent bond.  Contrary to popular belief, diamonds do not come from coal.  What makes a diamond a girl’s best friend is the high refractive index and dispersion coefficient.  In layman’s terms, light makes them sparkly.

Despite their durability as the hardest mineral, diamonds haven’t always been the go-to choice for engagement rings.  Before the discovery of African diamond mines in the 1870s, diamonds were incredibly rare and expensive.  The most commonly used stones for engagement rings were rubies and opals.  It wasn’t until the late 1930s that diamonds became a popular choice for engagement rings.

The first ever diamond engagement ring was given to Mary of Burgundy in 1477 by Archduke Maximilian of Austria, the diamonds formed the letter M.  The ring sparked a trend among nobility to use diamonds in engagement rings, often incorporating other colored gemstones.  One of the most exquisite diamond/ruby engagement ring combinations was given to Princess Märtha of Sweden by fiancé (and cousin) Crown Prince Olav of Norway in 1928.  It is now worn by Princess Mette-Marit.

Princess Märtha of Sweden's Engagement Ring

Princess Märtha of Sweden’s Engagement Ring

In the British Monarchy, engagement rings with both sapphires and diamonds were the choice for several royal brides including The Queen Mother, Princess Anne, Princess Diana and Duchess Catherine who wears Princess Diana’s ring.  When Princess Diana passed away, Princes William and Harry each were told to select an item that had belonged to their mother.  Prince William chose her Cartier watch, Prince Harry selected her sapphire engagement ring.  Eventually they swapped so Prince William could propose to Kate Middleton with the twelve carat sapphire that had belonged to his mother.

Princess Diana's Engagement Ring

Princess Diana’s Engagement Ring

For Prince Harry’s future wife, that leaves the door open for a new ring.  Princess Diana’s engagement ring is very elegant, but there’s a formality to it that I just can’t see on any girl Harry winds up.  Prince Harry likes the kind of girls who would go camping on purpose.  Adventurous, kind, low-maintenance and of course, blonde.

The “traditional” diamond engagement ring as we know it is actually the creation of diamond cartel De Beers’ marketing campaign that began in 1938.  In 1947, De Beers they introduced the “A Diamond is Forever” slogan that has become part of betrothal’s collective unconscious.  As an enduring symbol of everlasting love, the suggested amount of money that should be spent on the diamond increased from one month of a man’s salary to two.   The diamond engagement ring became a symbol of a man’s socioeconomic status.

These days, engagement rings are more about the women wearing them.  They should reflect her personal style and lifestyle.  More and more women are deciding they aren’t the solitaire types.  The Tiffany and Cartier diamond engagement rings girls used to oooh and aaah over seem a bit uninspired.  Trends are returning to the pre-De Beers campaign days with colored stones being used more and more.  Rings have more personal meaning beyond how much the fiancé makes.

Even though I’ve declined a few marriage proposals (and accepted that one where I assumed he was joking), I never really gave much thought to what kind of engagement ring I would want if I ever did say yes.  Until one day I stumbled across this, my fantasy engagement ring which also comes in white gold and yellow gold.

"Gatsby" Ring in Rose Gold Designer: Heidi Gibson www.heidigibson.com

“Gatsby” Ring in Rose Gold
Designer: Heidi Gibson
www.heidigibson.com

And there’s even a more cost-effective white sapphire and diamond version.

"Gatsby Ring" in White Gold with White Sapphire Designer: Heidi Gibson www.heidigibson.com

“Gatsby Ring” in White Gold with White Sapphire
Designer: Heidi Gibson
www.heidigibson.com

This designer, Heidi Gibson, is a GENIUS.  She creates beautiful pieces at all different price points, offering different size stones and different gems, working within customer budgets and customizing it for the individual.  That kind of flexibility and personalization is what the soon-to-be betrothed are looking for these days.

"Lindy" Ring in Gold with Morganite Designer: Heidi Gibson www.heidigibson.com

“Lindy” Ring in Gold with Morganite
Designer: Heidi Gibson
www.heidigibson.com

One of my favorite engagement rings that moves even further away from the traditional styles of the last seventy years adorns the ring finger of model, socialite and Princess Eugenie pal, Poppy Delevingne.  Unique, yet romantic with its two heart-shaped diamonds flanking the center stone.

Poppy Delevingne's Engagement Ring

Poppy Delevingne’s Engagement Ring

Poppy Delevingne and Prince Harry’s present girlfriend, Cressida, both have a boho-chic aesthetic sense.  Cressida tends to gravitate towards more organic style with romantic prints and flowers in her hair.  A simple solitaire isn’t going to cut it for this boho-chic kitten should she and Prince Harry decide to take a walk down the aisle.  I could see Cressida going for a modern take on floral-inspired engagement rings that became popular in the Victorian era and have been reinterpreted throughout the years.

BeautifulPetra on Etsy has some gorgeous flower-inspired rings, like the Flower Rose Diamond Engagement Ring:

Flower Rose Engagement Ring Designer: BeautifulPetra Available on Etsy

Flower Rose Engagement Ring
Designer: BeautifulPetra
Available on Etsy

The Love in Bloom Ring:

Love in Bloom Ring Designer: BeautifulPetra Available on Etsy

Love in Bloom Ring
Designer: BeautifulPetra
Available on Etsy

And the Rose Diamond Engagement Ring.

Rose Diamond Engagement Ring Designer: BeautifulPetra Available on Etsy

Rose Diamond Engagement Ring
Designer: BeautifulPetra
Available on Etsy

Of course, Prince Harry could always go rooting around in the Royal Family jewelry box to see what gorgeous bauble might be available should he and Cressida choose to become engaged.  The Queen Mother stopped wearing her sapphire engagement ring in favor of a pearl ring around 1950, and I don’t believe that ring has been used by anyone else.  If Prince Harry was looking for an opal engagement ring, he would be hard pressed to find one, the Royal Family is very superstitious about their gems.  Opals are believed by some to bring bad luck to a marriage unless they are surrounded by diamonds or worn by a bride born in the month of October so the British Royal Family steers clear.  They even are apprehensive about rubies in engagement rings, a superstition unique to the House of Windsor.  Given that opals and rubies were the most common stones used in engagement rings by the masses prior to the 1930s, it’s possible the commonness of the stone is what made rubies undesirable to the Royal Family and is at the root of that superstition.  In 1960, Princess Margaret accepted the ruby and diamond engagement ring shaped to look like a rose from Antony Armstrong-Jones.  The marriage ended in divorce, which did not help the ruby’s image in royal eyes.  Of course, the unhappy marriage could have in part been due to Princess Margaret still not being over Peter Townsend, with whom she fell madly in love and wanted to marry but her sister, Queen Elizabeth II, refused to grant permission on the grounds that as a divorced man, he was unsuitable.  Still, the ruby in the engagement ring shouldered some of the blame.  Some were concerned when Prince Andrew gave Sarah Ferguson a ruby and diamond engagement ring.  Their divorce didn’t help the Royal Family’s wariness of engagement rubies either but Sarah still wears her ruby ring from time to time and she and Prince Andrew still care deeply for each other.  Some think the two will eventually get back together again, love triumphing over ruby.  Even though they are divorced, I think they’ve always been and always will be the love of each others’ lives.

I hope there’s another royal engagement soon and not just because I love talking about shiny baubles, but because Prince Harry seems to truly want to settle down and have a family of his own.  Prince Harry has said, “I’ve longed for kids since I was very, very young. And so… I’m waiting to find the right person, someone who’s willing to take on the job.” The women who Prince Harry dates aren’t the type who are after the perks of a royal title, their lives are about more than just salon appointments and shopping trips, they are aware they wouldn’t be just marrying a man, they would be marrying an entire country and with that comes expectation.  I hope Cressida is “willing to take on the job”, everyone deserves to have a love that will last forever.

redheart

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Kate Doesn’t Mind The Gap

I’m a little worried about Kate Middleton.  Not so worried this post will be devoid of all snarkiness, just concerned enough to entertain the notion that maybe the Duchess of Cambridge might be struggling with more than just tan lines, or that maybe those tan lines sadden her more than we will ever know.

Despite having only worked 4 of the last 110 days, Kate seems to be one lifeless Poppet recently, her face is strained, she’s been clenching her jaw, she’s fake-smiling like a normal person and not a radioactive comic book supervillain named Pageant Girl, and she’s frugally shopping again.  On Monday while the Queen, Prince Philip and Prince William unveiled statues of Windsor Greys, Kate went shopping at The Gap.  And she bought Prince George these pants:

gapbabypants

Prince George isn’t tall enough yet to be able to carry off horizontal stripes, this is totally going to make him look hippy.  Kate knows better than that.

When looking at photos of the weekend wedding Kate attended with Princes William and Harry, I noticed what appeared to be dark tear streaks on Kate’s cheeks, so I asked for a second opinion on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva.  Herazeus answered, “The first thing that struck me before you brought this up, is that she has streaks down the side of her face consistent with streaked mascara that’s been running when a person cries.”

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katemascarastreaks

 

 
Kate flipped on the smile switch for pictures, but the dark streaks became even more evident in more light.

Now, it was a friend’s wedding, people sometimes cry at those, but usually that happens during the wedding.  Guests usually don’t get in a pre-cry.  At least I don’t, I’m usually too preoccupied with trying to avoid Spanx-related near-death experiences.

I commented in my last post that Prince Harry was walking behind her in a lot of the weekend wedding photos, maybe using Kate as a human shield.  The more I think about it, though, the more I suspect Captain Harry Wales had her six.

In the family portrait taken on March 18th and released over the weekend, even with a level of PhotoShopping making her look like she’s her own Madame Tussauds wax figure, there’s a lot of tension in her jaw.

kateportraitexpression

This is her usual Duchess smile:

katesmilingatevent

Her smile in the family photo is almost a grimace in comparison.  Why so sad, girl?

Now, Kate’s always been a bit work-shy, something the Queen attempted to address back in 2008 without success.  I can’t imagine the Queen hasn’t noticed that when Kate leaves for the Australia/New Zealand tour, she will have only averaged one official engagement a month for the past four months.  That’s shocking even for a woman whose nickname is Lazy.  Has Kate perfected ducking Duchess Duties or has she been given a Duties-Free pass because something is amiss?

This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sitings.  Maybe Kate’s ultimate goal is to get her official engagements down to one a year and if she sees her shadow, it means there’s six more weeks of winter.  There are all sorts of rumors on the internet hypothesizing about her disappearing act and why she seems like a shadow of her former shell lately.  They range from speculation that she is still suffering from postpartum depression to marital problems to her starting to crack under the pressure of expectation that came with the title.  As much as I criticize her for not being involved in more charity work, I don’t want to see her unhappy.

The Australia/New Zealand Tour should be interesting.  She’s got appearances on fourteen days with only three rest days.  Even though for most, what she’s got scheduled is akin to our level of activity while on vacation, this girl hasn’t done any real stretching to prepare her.

redheart

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The Empire Strikes Back

Prince Charles’ Press Office has been tasked with the unenviable job of making the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appear a little less let-them-eat-cake in the public eye.  From a strategic standpoint, I must say, well done.

On March 18th, the Duke and Duchess made a £5,000 donation to Rhyl Town Mayor’s Flood Appeal.  Good deed, but it was an anticipated move.  On one of Kate’s fan sites, HRH Duchess Kate, a commenter going under the handle Maryland Moxie stated, “A surprise donation to help the needy after a lovely vacation in the Maldives! What thoughtful generosity and how kind of the PR team to publicize it. Here’s hoping all the fans will follow their lead and help out too. The Maldives economy and the people struggling in Britain. In which ever order you prefer.”  On Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva, commenters did the math and the general consensus was, “That’s it?”

In chess terms, their donation would be known as the English Opening.

It wasn’t until Wednesday March 26th that the game got interesting.  US Magazine revealed that according to a “source”, while the Duke and Duchess were in the Maldives, they missed George’s first crawl.  Information about Prince George is more carefully guarded than the Crown Jewels in the Tower of London, the only permissible source is one of the two parents, and the article would have indicated which parent was quoted.  This “leak” is as brilliant as the Second Star of Africa on the Imperial State Crown.  In addition to outrage over the second luxury vacation for the UK’s Laziest Royals, the security costs taxpayers were footing the bill for, many objected to them leaving Prince George behind.  By revealing that Prince William and Kate missed the first crawl, those who objected to leaving Prince George behind were able to feel smugly justified in their objections because the Duke and Duchess missed a milestone and now ‘they’ll know better’.  Those who were just generally disenchanted overall got to feel like the karmic checks and balances system was somewhat intact.  Faith in universe somewhat restored.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

That leak also gave them some PR wiggle room.  Should someone point out it’s hypocritical to insist on bringing Prince George with them on the Australia/New Zealand tour when they left him home for Maldives, and dare to suggest that maybe Prince William and Kate are after the same kind of 1983 royal family blanket photo op that made Princess Diana so endearing, they have the excuse that they missed his crawling and don’t want to miss any other milestones.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

Then they turned the focus on Kate as a mother, letting the press know that Kate is “very excited” about Mothering Day.  Her very first.  Mothering Day in the UK falls on Sunday March 30th, but the news had to be broadcast four days in advance just so everyone would have time to absorb the excitement of Kate being excited about her first Mother’s Day as a Mum.  Then stories reminisced about how exciting it was when George was born back in July and how excited Kate was and how excited William was and how excited the excited were because it was just oh so exciting.  Is everyone else secretly doodling hearts in their journals, too, just thinking about it?

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

On Thursday, the Duchess of Cambridge was spotted at Zara, casually dressed, picking up some of their affordably priced clothing presumably for the upcoming Australia/New Zealand tour.  Just rummaging through the racks like anyone who happens to walk around with four Scotland Yard bodyguards.

In 2012, Kate spent approximately $94,000 between Duchess-duty clothes and her beauty regime which is more than double the average yearly salary in her country, before taxes of course, which go to supplement the Royal’s lavish lifestyle.

But the Zara appearance on Thursday makes her look like she’s trying to be all thrifty.  Those budget-blowing renovations at Kensington Palace just had to be unavoidable, after all, Kate shops at Zara, she would never blow an extra $1.7 million on top of the $1.8 million unless it was truly necessary.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

Saturday was a double-header of attempted Lazy Duo humanization by the Buckingham Palace Press Office.

Prince William and Kate showed up at the wedding of friends Lucy Meade and Charlie Budgett with Harry in tow.  Harry received his own PR Bitch-Slap this week for taking a ski trip associated with an oligarch who is besties with Kazakhstan’s lead-oppressor who gave Prince Harry use of a government helicopter.  Prince Harry appears to be using Kate as a human shield in some of the pics which can be seen at:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2592424/Awkward-moment-woman-pictured-wearing-coat-Duchess-Cambridge-friends-wedding.html?offset=0&max=100#comment-51229839

Something tragic did occur at the wedding, Kate and another guest showed up wearing the same coat.  The unlucky guest is shivering in the picture, maybe because she’s wearing strappy heels in March or maybe it’s because she knows her picture will run alongside of Kate’s with a caption, “Who Wore It Best”.  I think it’s considered an act of treason not to pick Kate.

Kate is perfectly polished as always, but seeing the two girls side by side makes Kate look even skinnier.  I think Kate might be getting too thin, I have an overwhelming urge to FedEx her a sandwich and maybe some cookies, too.

Two of Prince William’s ex-girlfriends were in attendance.  We notice Kate isn’t smiling that full grin some of us have been assuming is caused by some kind of neurological damage or imminent plans to become Batman’s next villain.  One of the exes is Jecca Craig, the perhaps-not-so-ex-after-all, who accompanied Prince William on his hunting trip to Spain.  I actually feel a little bad for Kate.

Well played, Buckingham Palace Press Office.

The second half of Saturday’s double-header was the release of the first family photo made public since the christening.  They stuck with the same photographer, Jason Bell, perhaps for his talents with PhotoShopping hair on Prince William.  While tabloids are cooing with delight, it’s not really the most joyful of photos.

CambridgesMotheringDayPic

The photographer used a window as a framing device, taking the shot from below which emphasizes the prominence of the family.  The dark background gives the photo the somber feel of a 16th century Venetian portrait.  The positioning of Prince William and Kate is stiff, the only interaction within the photograph occurs between Prince George who turns towards the family’s cocker spaniel, Lupo, with curiousity and Lupo who in turn regards him apprehensively.  In this photo, the Duke and Duchess are relegated to the position of easels.  Kate is seated the furthest back, with Lupo occupying a spot closer to the foreground.  Kate’s role is simply to prop up the son who visually breaks the interior plane of the window frame like his father, both royal by blood.

While undoubtedly released for the UK’s Mothering Day, this portrait is not a celebration of family or even a modern monarchy.  Despite the heavy PhotoShopping, the pronounced bags under Kate’s eyes could not be erased without obliterating half her face, her expression seems more forcibly molded than ever, her glazed eyes unseeing, her left eyebrow appears to have been darkened and thickened slightly to give a sense of movement and life to her frozen face.  Prince William has his shirt sleeve rolled up, an affectation of practiced relaxed cool, his smile that of a prep school student humoring the yearbook photographer with the slightest of sneers conveying that he feels like he’s being a good sport about the inconvenience.  Any hint of a Maldives tan has been swapped out in favor of a porcelain mask finish to better represent the winter pastiness of their people.

Just like everything in the Royal Family, this photo has been over-manipulated by heavy hands to the extent that not much of the original material remains.  Whether for clothing or propping up her son, Kate is used for display purposes only.  The only visible object in the room darkened behind them is a gilded frame, reinforcing the artifice of the image and the Royal Family as a whole.

Better luck next time, Buckingham Palace Press Office.  Nicely played, though.

redheart

 

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Kate Middleton Crowned New Madame Déficit

When it was announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton were engaged, comparisons were immediately drawn between the late Princess Diana and the woman who was now wearing her sapphire engagement ring.  Beyond Kate referencing the mother-in-law she never met through her clothing choices and photo ops, there really are very few similarities.

Back from the Maldives vacation, Kate logged one more official engagement, presenting shamrocks to Irish Guards in Aldershot, Hampshire on St. Patrick’s Day, which brought her total up to four for 2014.  Kate was wearing a brand new outfit, to the relief of the most loyal royalist fashionistas who worried she would try to pull off the dreaded coat threepeat, the effects of which would be more cataclysmic than a meteor the size of Texas hitting the Earth.   Then Kate put a Do Not Disturb Sign on the door to her oblivious privilege and devoted herself to redecorating the redecorated Kensington Palace as well as the couple’s Anmer Hall ten bedroom country house with no more official engagements to clutter her calendar or pretty little head until the Australian/New Zealand tour next month.

Amidst recent unflattering press, Kate’s frivolous spending habits and work-shy approach to her duties have her being compared to another royal figure, a former Queen Consort named Marie Antoinette, who was single-handedly blamed for bringing down the French monarchy.

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Marie Antoinette Kate Middleton
Earthquake in Lisbon on her date of birth Earthquake in Canada & New England on her date of birth
A bit of a tomboy when younger A bit of a tomboy when younger
Marriage arranged by mother Marriage orchestrated by mother
Had to go through French Princess Bootcamp Had to go through Duchess Bootcamp
Described by the Abbé de Vermond as “rather lazy and extremely frivolous” Reportedly described by Queen Elizabeth as “vain, vapid and lazy”
Sisters disfigured by small pox Sister disfigured by strange orange-hued skin
Had teeth fixed as condition of marriage to French dauphin Had teeth fixed by French dentist prior to marriage
April Bride – Married April 19, 1770 April Bride – Married April 29, 2011
Waited 7 years for her husband to have sex with her Waited 10 years for Prince William to become her husband
Intentionally powdered her hair white Gray roots caused global freak-out
Initially loved by the people for her beauty Initially loved by the people for her beauty
Conception rumors early in marriage (Louis XVI rumored to be impotent) Conception rumors early in marriage (Kate rumored to be infertile, William rumored to be Antichrist)
Brother helped address couple’s sex issue Brother no help wearing a dress
Spent a lot of money on clothing Spends a lot of money on clothing
Favorite Designer: Rose Bertin Favorite Designer: Jenny Packham
Obsessed with her hair Obsessed with her hair
Wore heavy makeup with kohl around eyes & lots of blush Wears heavy makeup with black eyeliner & lots of blush
Not permitted to bring pug Mops with her to France Not permitted to bring cocker spaniel Lupo to Sandringham at Christmas
Nicknamed Madame Déficit  & Madame Veto Nicknamed Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle & Madame Déficit
Most cruel nickname: The Austrian Whore Most cruel nickname: The Mattress
Good dancer Good dancer
Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage
Had a lady in waiting in charge of her underwear Probably should have someone making sure she’s wearing underwear
Icy relationship with King’s mistress Rumored icy relationship with Prince Charles’ once former mistress
Extremely chummy with husband’s brother, Charles Extremely chummy with husband’s brother Harry
Liked to redecorate Likes to redecorate
Cost of La Petit Trianon renovations spiraled out of control Cost of Kensington Palace renovations spiraled out of control
Indecisive dull homebody husband Indecisive dull homebody husband
Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with son Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with brother-in-law
Considered not very bright Ditzy comments suggest the bulb is low wattage
Enjoyed hunting Enjoyed hunting, or at least pretended to until she bagged William
Constantly featured in gossip pamphlets called libelles Constantly featured in gossip magazines
Loved bonbons Loves bonbons
Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people
French Invasion of Privacy – ladies in waiting watched her bathe French invasion of Privacy – Paparazzi snapped topless & bottomless pics
Enjoyed putting on plays Enjoyed being in plays
Marrieta, Ohio named after Marie Antoinette Butter London’s “No More Waity, Katie” nailpolish named after Kate
Wore purple shoes to her execution Wore purple shoes & black dress to a wedding & faced fashion firing squad
Frivolous spending contributed to French Revolution Frivolous spending revolting
October 16, 1793 – Beheaded to cheers of once-adoring public October 16, 2013 – 220 years later, Kate goes shopping, Quelle surprise!

While Marie Antoinette has been historically vilified, she wasn’t malicious, she was a rather dull superficial woman whose capacity for kindness was dwarfed by her weakness for extravagance.  She lost the connection between her heart and mind at a time when those who were struggling looked to the monarchy for reassurance and instead saw profligacy.  It’s up to Kate how she is historically remembered, there is kindness within her, hopefully she has the strength of character to not to be lured further away from it by the siren’s song  of decadence.

March is Women’s History Month.  Perhaps Kate can be inspired by the women in this article who are changing the world: http://act.mtv.com/posts/8-women-who-are-changing-the-world/

I know the incredible women behind Thinx: Miki Agrawal, Antonia Dunbar and Radha Agrawal and I am lucky to count Antonia Dunbar as one of my dearest friends.  Antonia radiates warmth, embodies strength, and possesses graceful invincibility.  The luminous beauty of her heart, mind, body and soul co-mingle in molecular and metaphysical fluidity.  Each and every day she strives to make the world better and each and every day she succeeds.  As co-founder of Thinx, Antonia was driven by the discovery that there are 67 million women in the world whose lives were adversely affected by their sanitary needs.  An idea to provide sexy underwear with powerful purpose became a mission.  Three women changing the world, something each of us has the capability to do.

redheart

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Royal Gynecologist Kneels Before Prince William

Kate Middleton’s gynecologist, Marcus Setchell, has been knighted.  So I guess he would be Sir Doctor Marcus Setchell now?  The more pressing question is obviously, does everyone on the planet who has seen Kate Middleton’s vagina get knighted or just the ones who have possibly pulled a royal baby out of it?  The reason I ask is because if you Google “Kate Middleton”, the second related search is listed as “Kate Middleton Bottomless Photos”.  If the criteria is just seeing Kate’s Beaverhausen, Prince William is going to need a lot of Red Bull to knight all those people.

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Is that a giant sword in your pocket or are you just happy to Knight me?

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Normally the Queen handles the Knighting Duties but for some reason Prince William wielded the sword on this one.  Maybe the Queen found the whole thing a little strange herself, Sir Doctor was her gynecologist as well and it might be a little awkward to grant a ceremonial honor to someone who has seen you in stirrups.

There’s been a rumor circulating before any hint of a baby bump was detectable that a surrogate was being used for the pregnancy and it was speculated months ago Dr. Setchell would be granted knighthood for covering it up.  Even though I do enjoy a good conspiracy theory, it seemed a little far-fetched.  After it was reported Kate told her friends her natural labor was “perfect”, however, I started thinking maybe it wasn’t so ridiculous after all.  My friends have described their natural labors pretty much as, “There was a lot of screaming, by my husband when I broke two of his ribs after the doctor told me it was too late for an epidural.  The nurses put me in restraints, but I bit through those things in like four seconds.  It was the most unbelievably horrifying twenty-seven hours of unfathomable agony.”  I just can’t imagine Lazy Katie describing labor as “perfect”.  I mean, labor, ick, the word itself just reeks of effort.

Some have stipulated that a surrogate had to be used because Prince William is the Antichrist and can’t reproduce.  Let me put that rumor to rest right now. Throughout his childhood, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and petulantly declare, “I don’t want to be King.”  Can you imagine the temper tantrum he would have thrown if he had to be the Antichrist?  Being the physical embodiment of evil takes way more effort than just being a figurehead, there’s all that seducing that has to be done, the false miracles, there’s waging war against the holy, it sounds like a lot of work.  One of those phone messages Clive Goodman hacked would have revealed a call to his private secretary that said something like, “I need more Rogaine, don’t forget about my dry-cleaning, and oh yes, please bring about the end of days for me.”

There was one creepy picture I saw from the christening that makes me think maybe we should just keep an eye on George just to be on the safe side.  I don’t want to start any rumors but in one photo especially, he looked like he was plotting something.  Or maybe he had gas, I don’t know, I don’t spend a lot of time around babies.

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The kid seems a little too smart already, he’s got one luxury vacation under his belt and is not attending charity events like a seasoned pro.  Maybe he’s just after world domination, if that’s the case, Lupo will start needing to drink martinis.  And I’m sorry, but this current Lupo doesn’t look like the original one, his tail and snout seem shorter.  How does this family not know to go out and pick up a time machine for canine emergencies?

Brian_GriffinMaybe if they had gotten Dr. Who to be Kate’s gynecologist, they’d already have a time machine at their disposal.  And they wouldn’t have had to bother with the knighting ceremony, Dr. Who is a Time Lord and a Lord beats a Knight.

Sir Mix-A-Lot could not reached be comment.  Truth be told, I didn’t even try that 1-900-MIXALOT, who knows what the rate on that number would be.

I also would like to take a moment to say thank you to pinkorchid on Royal Gossip Forum for posting a thread to the “Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance” as well as one to “My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl”.  I am very honored.

redheart

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All in the Royal Family

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation.  We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives.  Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits.  The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection.  I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family.  I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway.  Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon.  I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on.  I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family.  I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry.  She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles.  Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion.  Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?

cressy&harry

There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny.  She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt.  While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life.  I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean.  Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton.  They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong.  She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies.  Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant?  The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous.  More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie.  The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen.  Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament.  Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away.  E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.

http://www.eonline.com/news/519475/inside-prince-william-and-kate-middleton-s-wacky-maldives-vacation-sex-kits-pillow-experts-and-more

When will the lambs stop screaming?

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.

katerabbitfever

Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation.  The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge.  When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing.  In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over.  When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem.  Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified.  The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well.  They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill.  The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying.  Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work.  If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now.  The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else.  I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off.  I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this?  I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum.  And I’ve always got people telling me what to do.  ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’  Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy.  Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty.  Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system.  No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies.  If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press.  Deal?

redheart

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