Category Archives: ♕ Kate Middleton & British Royal Family

Royal Gynecologist Kneels Before Prince William

Kate Middleton’s gynecologist, Marcus Setchell, has been knighted.  So I guess he would be Sir Doctor Marcus Setchell now?  The more pressing question is obviously, does everyone on the planet who has seen Kate Middleton’s vagina get knighted or just the ones who have possibly pulled a royal baby out of it?  The reason I ask is because if you Google “Kate Middleton”, the second related search is listed as “Kate Middleton Bottomless Photos”.  If the criteria is just seeing Kate’s Beaverhausen, Prince William is going to need a lot of Red Bull to knight all those people.

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Is that a giant sword in your pocket or are you just happy to Knight me?

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Normally the Queen handles the Knighting Duties but for some reason Prince William wielded the sword on this one.  Maybe the Queen found the whole thing a little strange herself, Sir Doctor was her gynecologist as well and it might be a little awkward to grant a ceremonial honor to someone who has seen you in stirrups.

There’s been a rumor circulating before any hint of a baby bump was detectable that a surrogate was being used for the pregnancy and it was speculated months ago Dr. Setchell would be granted knighthood for covering it up.  Even though I do enjoy a good conspiracy theory, it seemed a little far-fetched.  After it was reported Kate told her friends her natural labor was “perfect”, however, I started thinking maybe it wasn’t so ridiculous after all.  My friends have described their natural labors pretty much as, “There was a lot of screaming, by my husband when I broke two of his ribs after the doctor told me it was too late for an epidural.  The nurses put me in restraints, but I bit through those things in like four seconds.  It was the most unbelievably horrifying twenty-seven hours of unfathomable agony.”  I just can’t imagine Lazy Katie describing labor as “perfect”.  I mean, labor, ick, the word itself just reeks of effort.

Some have stipulated that a surrogate had to be used because Prince William is the Antichrist and can’t reproduce.  Let me put that rumor to rest right now. Throughout his childhood, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and petulantly declare, “I don’t want to be King.”  Can you imagine the temper tantrum he would have thrown if he had to be the Antichrist?  Being the physical embodiment of evil takes way more effort than just being a figurehead, there’s all that seducing that has to be done, the false miracles, there’s waging war against the holy, it sounds like a lot of work.  One of those phone messages Clive Goodman hacked would have revealed a call to his private secretary that said something like, “I need more Rogaine, don’t forget about my dry-cleaning, and oh yes, please bring about the end of days for me.”

There was one creepy picture I saw from the christening that makes me think maybe we should just keep an eye on George just to be on the safe side.  I don’t want to start any rumors but in one photo especially, he looked like he was plotting something.  Or maybe he had gas, I don’t know, I don’t spend a lot of time around babies.

PrinceGeorge

The kid seems a little too smart already, he’s got one luxury vacation under his belt and is not attending charity events like a seasoned pro.  Maybe he’s just after world domination, if that’s the case, Lupo will start needing to drink martinis.  And I’m sorry, but this current Lupo doesn’t look like the original one, his tail and snout seem shorter.  How does this family not know to go out and pick up a time machine for canine emergencies?

Brian_GriffinMaybe if they had gotten Dr. Who to be Kate’s gynecologist, they’d already have a time machine at their disposal.  And they wouldn’t have had to bother with the knighting ceremony, Dr. Who is a Time Lord and a Lord beats a Knight.

Sir Mix-A-Lot could not reached be comment.  Truth be told, I didn’t even try that 1-900-MIXALOT, who knows what the rate on that number would be.

I also would like to take a moment to say thank you to pinkorchid on Royal Gossip Forum for posting a thread to the “Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance” as well as one to “My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl”.  I am very honored.

redheart

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All in the Royal Family

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation.  We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives.  Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits.  The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection.  I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family.  I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway.  Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon.  I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on.  I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family.  I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry.  She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles.  Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion.  Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?

cressy&harry

There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny.  She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt.  While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life.  I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean.  Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton.  They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong.  She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies.  Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant?  The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous.  More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie.  The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen.  Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament.  Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away.  E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.

http://www.eonline.com/news/519475/inside-prince-william-and-kate-middleton-s-wacky-maldives-vacation-sex-kits-pillow-experts-and-more

When will the lambs stop screaming?

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.

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Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation.  The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge.  When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing.  In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over.  When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem.  Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified.  The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well.  They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill.  The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying.  Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work.  If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now.  The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else.  I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off.  I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this?  I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum.  And I’ve always got people telling me what to do.  ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’  Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy.  Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty.  Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system.  No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies.  If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press.  Deal?

redheart

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Lazy Katie Works… On Her Tan

Well, Kate Middleton is off for another week-long sun-filled get-away, this time with husband, Prince William.  The couple, dubbed “UK’s Laziest Royals” earlier this year by the press (how funny would a Coat of Arms be for that title, maybe something with a Coppertone bottle and some High Street shopping bags) arrived in Maldives at 9:40am Thursday.

It’s been a whole month since Lazy Katie has had a proper vacation and the poor girl must be utterly exhausted from her three whole engagements this year.  After the National Portrait Gallery appearance discussed in the previous post “Worth the Wait?”, she opened an Art Room at the Northolt High School where she played with her hair a lot and tilted her head, probably contemplating some great sociological issue like whether or not she should get bangs (she totally should).

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She did the obligatory photo with children picture, even though the children didn’t appear to be particularly riveted.

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Then on February 17th, she bravely nodded her head a lot during some celebrity small talk at the Queen’s Buckingham Palace Dramatic Arts reception.  Let’s just dispense with the formalities and give Kate the Nobel Peace Prize right now.

With Lazy Katie’s tan from her Mustique vacation still not faded, this so-called romantic get-away with Prince William is odd timing.  They just had a couple’s night out over the weekend at Louise Aubrey-Fletcher’s birthday party at Bunga Bunga.  That looked super-romantic, the way Kate was trying to figure out what was going on while Prince William was half-way to the car.

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Don’t worry, she caught up to him while he was getting in the car and didn’t have to call Pippa for a ride home.

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This Maldives vacation is also strange considering William is supposed to be presently taking a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge.  I’m sure someone within Prince Charles’ press office is shaking a Magic 8 Ball to come up with a perfectly valid explanation why Prince William doesn’t have any classes this week.

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Now, I know it can be stressful when the care of your child is being transferred from the old nanny to the new nanny, there could be all of those tedious questions, like what are those prosthetic stomaches doing in the linen closet.  But come on, how much longer before eye-rolling provoked by these vacation announcements starts doing some serious ocular damage?  Seriously, I’ve been getting these weird spasms around my left eye, I’m afraid I’m going to wind up needing an eye patch and one of those big white plastic cones dogs have to wear after surgery.

The Lazy Duo can manage to squeeze in a week’s worth of frolicking in the ocean but they insult the Maori King by refusing to grant him more than 90 minutes in their upcoming tour of Australia and New Zealand?  King Tuheitia has said no thanks to the quickie and has refused to meet with them.  They’ve also ticked off another Maori leader by opting not to include historically significant Waitangi on the tour.  Perhaps they felt it was just too ripe for Waity in Waitangi headlines.  There’s already a strong movement within New Zealand to cut ties with the British Crown and Australia is peeved New Zealand might beat them to the punch of full independence.  This seventeen day royal tour, which has three scheduled “Rest Days”, has received a lot of press for Kate’s anticipated longer hemlines and borrowed jewels but thus far it looks like Prince William and Kate have packed a little too lightly when it comes to good will.

Three days of work this year and fourteen days spent frolicking in the surf.  How does this girl not realize she has the potential to bring global attention to important issues and could do so much good?  Does she just not care?

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redheart

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My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.

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When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.

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For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:

katephotonotretouched

The markers are:

1. The Vein –

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There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.

 

 

 

2. Mole #1 –

katemole#1

Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.

 

 

3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.

 

 

 

4. Brows –

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There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.

 

5. Under-eye puffiness –

kateeyepuffiness

This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.

 

6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.

 

 

7. Head scar –

katemiddletonheadscar

It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.

 

 

8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-

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Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.

 

 

Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:

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Or this:

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When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.

kategraysnotretouched

Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.

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I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.

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Love,

Lola

Royal Hemline Decree

Kate Middleton just wrapped up her vacation in Mustique where she rested up from those exhausting zero official engagements to date this year and the mere thirty-five in 2013 that cemented her status as The UK’s Laziest Royal.  The Duchess of Doolittle returned from the Caribbean and discovered she had landed in a bit of a fashion bummer.  According to Time’s Newsfeed, the Queen thinks Kate dresses like a “harlot” and has appointed her own personal dresser, Angela Kelly, to make sure Kate wears more Duchess-appropriate attire for her upcoming tour of Australia.

Perhaps the Queen is seeking to avoid another wardrobe malfunction like the one Kate already had in Australia at the Brisbane Airport.

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These “Marilyn Moments” as they are labeled by the press show more than the Queen feels is appropriate.

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Perhaps the Queen objects because she actually met Marilyn Monroe in 1956 while she was in England filming The Prince and the Showgirl and everyone’s skirt stayed where it was supposed to.

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I think the real issue here is less about the hem length and more about Kate needing dress weights like the ones the Queen has sewn into her garments.  And Kate should rethink going commando in dresses, a wardrobe malfunction is way less slutty if you’re wearing underwear.

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In addition to panties, I would also recommend Kate always wear a bra.  Most women’s breasts are slightly uneven, however when Kate goes without a bra, the height of her right nipple makes the set look even more mismatched.

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Kate does show more leg than one would expect of a possible future Queen consort but she keeps it tight, she’s got great gams, a fantastic bum and really, we’ve all seen the whole show already.  It’s common knowledge that Kate doesn’t wax or shave her bikini area, there are photos all over the internet like the white bikini pics that show the circumference of her areolae, she nabbed her prince by stalking him, I think we’ve already sailed way past her being able to pull off demure.

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If a more royal look is being imposed on Kate, her publicly playing with her hair really needs to stop.  Of course, there was the Hair Twirl Heard Round the World on Remembrance Day.

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Whether straight or curled, up or down, Kate’s hair has a five-fingered entourage.

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The constant hair touching conveys boredom as she gets lost in her own locks, with all of the etiquette training she’s had, she should know that it’s inappropriate.

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In many cultures a woman playing with her hair is considered to be flirtatious.  I can’t think of a single country in which a woman playing with her hair doesn’t have some culturally-specific meaning.  As a representative of the UK and the wife of a future king, she needs to be mindful of the message she is conveying.

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In Thailand, there is a spiritual association with hair because the head is considered so sacred.  Kate’s constant fussing with her tresses could be interpreted as the actions of someone who is spiritually deficient.  To a Jordanian, however, Kate pulling her hair back revealing her neck could be interpreted as a sexual advance because in Jordan, the neck is considered especially erotic, she appears to be offering it by sweeping her hair away from it.

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Even with the backlash against her Remembrance Day hair twirl still fresh, she couldn’t keep her hands out of her hair when her husband was commenting on the sad passing of the great Nelson Mandela.  Playing with her ponytail, she forgot she was supposed to look somber and her expression switched over to her default setting of looking like she’s daydreaming of doodling “I Love Unicorns” in her notebook.

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The Queen’s announcement about hemlines comes less than two weeks after Prince Charles revealed that he will be taking control of the press office of Prince William and Kate and absorbing them into his own at Buckingham Palace.  The elimination of the Kensington Palace press office is believed to be Prince Charles’ attempt to remold The Royal Family’s public image and refocus attention away from Kate’s hair and clothing onto more serious topics.

As frustrating as Lazy Katie’s lack of effort when it comes to charitable work can be, frumping her up isn’t the answer.  The fate of tigers is in no way tied into Kate’s hemline and the Firm isn’t going to turn her into Margaret Thatcher by making her wear boxy suits.  And if they did somehow manage to get their hands on magical fabric that enabled such a transformation, they probably shouldn’t, the Queen looked positively beaming at the funeral of the former Prime Minister.

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I think the way to handle the whole Kate Middleton’s wardrobe issue is just make sure she’s wearing knickers and sew in some dress weights.  People aren’t going to stop focusing on her appearance simply if her wardrobe is toned done, instead the media will start digging through the archives and the conversation will be about how much they preferred Above-the-Knee Kate.

The Firm seems reticent about letting Kate speak publicly in recent months following a string of vapid responses which caused eye rolls, smirks and out-right mockery in the global media.  Kate doesn’t have the passion for charity work and natural charm Princess Diana had, she doesn’t appear to have any terribly interesting hobbies of her own like Sarah Ferguson’s extramarital toe-sucking, she doesn’t have the stoic strength of Queen Elizabeth II because let’s face it, no one in the world has that, but she is good at putting cute little outfits together.  Personally, I think the Royal Family needs to be careful about shaking up Kate, when the candy falls out, the party is pretty much over.

The one bonus of having your hemlines royally decreed is the Queen lets you borrow jewels from her private collection, not to be confused with the Crown Jewels which are kept in the Tower of London.  No one actually knows how much the Queen’s Jewels are worth because no gemologist has ever been permitted to examine the collection.  For her upcoming scheduled trip to Australia, Kate will be allowed to borrow some of the Queen’s pieces most of which have been handed down to her by past monarchs. This isn’t like rooting around in your Grandma’s jewelry box, this is some serious badass bling.  My first round draft pick would be the Collet Necklace which is also referred to it as the Coronation Necklace.

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Despite its 160 carats, Queen Alexandra and Queen Mary piled even more diamonds on top of it.  Queen Elizabeth II wears it as I would, on its own, it is the ultimate statement necklace and that statement is “Suck it, Commoners.”  That kind of ice would definitely take the sting out of being told by the Queen that you dress like a tramp.

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Love,

Lola

Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance

I feel robbed, and not in the way I at least get to talk to cute cops in uniform.  In the biography, “Kate, The Future Queen”, Daily Mail reporter and author, Katie Nicholls, reveals that the love story of Kate Middleton and Prince William wasn’t as fated as dropped books at St. Andrews University and a sheer black dress on a catwalk.  Basically the duchess nabbed her prince by stalking him.

Dubbed “Waity Katie” by the press, Kate Middleton infamously held on for eight years after she met her prince until he popped the question.  Except the timeline spans a few more years now following the revelation that prior to attending St. Andrews, Waity Katie told her friends that she had already met Prince William “once or twice”.

According to the new biography, Kate Middleton planned on attending Edinburgh until it was announced that Prince William would be taking a gap year before attending St. Andrews.  She ripped up her Edinburgh acceptance letter, took a leap year to be in Prince William’s class and then reapplied to St. Andrew’s to increase her chances at shagging and bagging the prince.

Ewww.

I’ve never understood the media’s fixation with Kate Middleton but I hoped she might one day prove she was more than just the “cold, dull, serious girl” Prince William’s friends described her as.  Despite being disappointed in her work ethic and cringing at some of her idiotic comments, I still wanted this to be a wonderful story about a girl destined to marry her true love, not a girl destined to use tactical maneuvering to increase her chances at nabbing HRH status.  There was a moment during her wedding when she looked at Prince William with crazy eyes and I thought, maybe there’s a personality in that candied shell after all, maybe she really was a girl madly in love with the man she was marrying.  Given recent reports, I suspect at that moment she couldn’t believe she actually pulled it off.

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How did she pull that off, anyway?  Her dizzy comments have led many to wonder just how bright the future Queen Consort is.  During a viewing of her wedding dress at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, the Duchess with the Art History degree asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.  In addition to admitting she doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea, she has proven she can’t even string together a coherent tea-related question, inquiring during an appearance at Fortnum & Mason: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”   When shopping for a birthday gift for her husband this year, Kate also appeared thwarted by the concept of pens being cylindrical, telling a store clerk she was looking for “a really beautiful pen for a man who is left-handed”.   She doesn’t seem to fare much better reading words from a teleprompter.  The delivery of her first public address earlier this year for Children’s Hospice Week was painfully awkward and despite the piece being edited, her mispronunciation of the word “palliative” was not corrected.  One might question why no one spared her that embarrassment.

A story was leaked last year that the Queen referred to Kate Middleton as the Duchess of Doolittle, calling her vain, vapid and lazy.  Normally I would be skeptical of reports citing the Queen as the source, after all, a trusted confidante gossiping to the press would be a betrayal and the Queen isn’t known for being overly trusting.  However, I have no trouble believing the Queen intended for those critical comments to be slipped to the media in hopes Kate would work on improving herself as a representative of the Royal Family.  Like those nude patent pumps Kate always has on, it’s merely a matter of time before her shine gets scuffed and she is perceived of as worn and tired.  The Queen is a highly intelligent woman who knows a lot about longevity in the public eye.

When women marry into the Royal Family, there always seems to be a period of media adoration in the first few years before the ensuing backlash of the press growing bored with its own creation.  The story of a commoner marrying her prince might ultimately backfire against the monarchy, after all, if anyone can be royalty, why does Great Britain need the Royal Family, especially since they have been nothing more than figureheads since the 17th century and UK taxpayers are funding a good chunk of their extravagant lifestyles?

There is tension within the Royal Family already about Kate not being a blood princess, rumored to have been started when the Queen issued the Order of Precedence, decreeing that when not in the presence of William, Kate must curtsey to the York Princesses who are royalty by birth, not marriage, and to Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, regardless of whether or not Prince William accompanies her because she is married to the first in line to the throne.  Both Kate Middleton and the York Princesses are accused of using Mean Girls tactics against each other.  According to one report, Kate Middleton invited Princess Beatrice to a party, not telling her of the dress code, then publically humiliated her for not being properly attired, one of the reporters in attendance was said to have found Princess Beatrice crying in the bathroom.  Then Princess Beatrice’s sister Princess Eugenie was believed to have introduced Prince Harry to his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas in retaliation for Kate’s hostility to the York Princesses.  The matchmaking effort was thought to be an effort to make Kate jealous because Prince William left Kate for Cressida’s gorgeous half sister Isabella in 2007.  Waity Katie allegedly took William back under the condition he never see Isabella again, a promise that would be impossible to honor if Cressida and Prince Harry got married.

I don’t doubt that there will be an increasing number of those wondering why Prince William was permitted to marry such a common girl as the public grows bored of Lazy Katie’s superficial aspirations.  The clips from Prince George’s christening provided interesting insight into the Middleton influence on the modern monarchy.  Both Kate and her sister Pippa seemed to reinforce their presence within the Royal Family by matching their beige outfits to Prince George’s christening gown.   Sort of a “We’re here.  We’re beige.  Get used to it.” fashion statement.   While the christening of the future monarch is a private affair, traditionally foreign dignitaries are invited because the monarchy understands its role in the global community.  The slight extended to other members of the Royal Family.  Citing a desire to keep the christening an informal affair, all but five Senior Royals were excluded from the guest list.  Only the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, the Duchess of Cornwall, and Prince Harry were invited.

While the christening was said to be the duke and duchess’ modern approach to the event, the informality seemed an affront to royal tradition and etiquette.  After awkwardly greeting the Queen, Kate had to fumble a forgotten curtsey to Prince Philip.  I know that seems like a minor point to most but royals takes the gesture of respect to senior royals seriously, it is why the Queen established the Order of Precedence.  Some might point out that I improperly refer to the Duchess of Cambridge as Kate, Kate Middleton, Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle, Duchess of Lamebridge, Sock Puppet and the Duchess of Dull, and that would be a fair point.  However given the aggressive measures she took in order to nab the prince, it’s safe to say she pursued the pomp and ceremony of being married to a royal and therefore signed on for the etiquette whereas my critical bitchiness is part of my nature and thus obtained by more honest means.

I do think that the Palace takes note of public criticism of Kate in order to try to avoid the mistakes made by other women who married into the family.  In attempt to lessen the pressures on the Duchess By Design, they gave her a grace period, but Kate settled too comfortably into averaging a mere thirty official royal appearances a year compared to the four hundred or so the eight-seven year old Queen knocks out annually.   Kate initially announced she would be the patron of four charities and announced three more this year for a whopping total of seven in the three years since she married into the Royal Family.  Her father-in-law Prince Charles is patron to more than four hundred charities.  It’s unlikely Lazy Katie will become more ambitious during this next year, the Palace announced that Prince William is taking a “transition” year between leaving the Royal Air Force and assuming his royal duties full-time.  Which probably means more vacations for the Duchess of Doolittle and the global snickering that follows such announcements.

One of the things I noticed about the footage from Prince George’s christening was that Kate didn’t seem to have bonded with George, when he was in her arms and not in her husband’s, she carried him like he was one of her accessories purchased on High Street instead of her son.  Two days after the christening, another photo was released, this one showing Kate actually looking at her son.  It was noted that the picture was taken at the same time of the others, an interesting comment that made me wonder if it was staged after-the-fact or if so many others had noticed a lack of motherly affection at the christening, that showing a tender moment was deemed necessary for Kate’s public image.

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Ultimately what bothers me about Kate Middleton is that along with all semblance of a personality, she has been stripped of ambition to be anything other than what she is, someone who is trying to pick and chose what royal duties she wants to go with her title.  She is a woman who sacrificed her dream of attending Edinburgh, all of her plans that didn’t involve the prince as well as the truths of own her love story which she revised and respun to be more palpable.  She is a fictional character, of her own creation, further molded by the press’ fascination and the cautious hands of the Royal Family’s Bootcamp training her so she doesn’t damage public perception of the monarchy like Princess Diana did.  I think the royal bride with the crazy eyes would be far more interesting than the Duchess with the pageant smile, if there’s any of her that has survived the constant lacquering.  Perhaps the reason Kate doesn’t do more charity work is because in rewriting herself for her prince, she has lost touch with her own humanity.  But Kate could prove to be the perfect Duchess by Design, after all, when her shell starts to crack, it’s quite possible we’ll discover she’s totally hollow, with nothing inside of her that could be an embarrassment to the royal family.

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Love,

Lola

Still Curious, George

Yesterday marked a whole month since Prince William and Catherine Duchess of Cambridge’s first child, HRH Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge, entered the world.  There is still so much fascination surrounding the birth of the third in line to the throne of England, media outlets clamoring to get every scrap of info, down to nappie details.   It’s become the journalistic equivalent of a slumber party: So like, Prince William picked up diapers on the way home one day, and he sings the baby to sleep, let’s write about how dreamy that is in our unicorn diaries and we’ll dot our i’s with hearts that will smell like grape ‘cuz we just got these new glitter pens with our allowance and it’s just so cute, awwwww!!!

Other than being able to turn journalists into eleven year-old girls, the baby is one month old, the most exciting thing we’re going to see for a while is a spit bubble. Unless Prince George makes some serious advances with cold fusion, maybe we all just take a step back and focus on something more productive, we don’t even need to put it to a vote, we can all do our own thing and see how that works out for us as a society.

All this royal baby reporting is like the end of “Ghostbusters” after the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was blown up by crossed proton streams and just blanketed everything in sticky goo, that’s how inescapable Prince George is.   When the Duchess of Cambridge went into labor, I would turn on my tv from time to time to check in, a baby is always exciting news, a reason to celebrate, something universally positive.  The next day I logged onto my computer and the first article I saw said something like, “Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to a boy.  How rude.”

And even though the media was banned from showing the topless photos of Catherine taken last year, the media has still managed to bring the focus back to Catherine’s breasts.  Now the attention is in the form of breastfeeding, which is slightly more tasteful, but as a personal decision each woman makes for herself, why must this be reported?  Beverly Turner was part of the movement trying to get Catherine to publicly breastfeed, “we also need women with power and influence to get their milky bosoms out and feed smiling in paparazzi pictures.”  I’m thinking that’s not going to happen, the royal family went to a whole lot of effort to get pictures of Kate’s bare bosoms under lock and key.  I’m an advocate of breastfeeding, and am always quick to defend a mother when she gets a negative comment or an eye roll.  I think it’s ridiculous that people feel uncomfortable around something that is so natural.  But to use any part of the Duchess’ anatomy in hopes of making a political statement is not who Catherine is, she’s been carefully groomed so as to not make the same missteps as other women who have married into the royal family.  That’s not to take away from any positive influences Princess Diana and Sarah, Duchess of York had on the monarchy and I think Catherine is careful to be respectful of that.  She’s wearing Diana’s engagement ring, she gave birth in the same place Diana did and she even wore a dress in homage to the mother-in-law that she never knew (she should lay off on further associations, though, men want to feel like they found a woman like Mom but not so much it becomes blaringly Oedipal).

The care Catherine has taken with her public image has been painstaking.  There aren’t any skeletons in the back of her closet hidden by boxes of nude pumps.  As William and Kate have said repeatedly, we’re just a boring normal couple like everyone else.  I think they’ve proven that.  It’s time to close the William and Catherine exhibit, folks, there’s only so much ordinary we can take.

From the ashes of normalcy, a phoenix of hilarious stories have cropped up on the web, sort of like a royal English telenovela, but with less believable plot lines.  They are a year old, they suddenly just popped up.  While these may be old, my favorite tale is of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, recast in several articles as the Cruella De Vil villain forcing Catherine to make her her tea and possibly a fur coat while Catherine blinks back tears.  The reports claim that Camilla has gone completely mad with power now that she knows the Queen agreed not to skip over her son Prince Charles in the line of succession and leave the thrown to William, under the condition Prince Charles stays married to Camilla, because the monarchy couldn’t possibly endure another divorce scandal.  Prince Charles having to make her happy gave her the opportunity to make everyone miserable.  And then Camilla pretty much told Catherine, “Poor little things… I’m gonna cut you off, then cut you up” and then insulted the tea.  Personally I wouldn’t cross Camilla, she’s a shrewd woman, but the report was just too over the top to be believable.  But the biggest red flag on this being nothing but the bored musings of writers who thought they would have a Pulitzer by now is the fact that the Queen can’t actually choose to have William leapfrog over Prince Charles.  In order for Prince William to become King before his father, it would take an act of Parliament.  Parliament finally got around to addressing the whole women aren’t inferior to men thing and therefore the first born of the first born would be heir to the thrown, regardless of sex, so it would be a few decades before anything else regarding royal succession gets in front of Parliament.  England is also a hereditary monarchy, they entire system is a genetic wait-your-turn and they honor such traditions.  The web has been a treasure trove of brilliant royal fiction I’ve stumbled upon, I also skimmed past another fascinating theory which states George is the reincarnated soul of Princess Diana who has come back to exact her revenge on the royal family.  There are so many things wrong and mind boggling with that statement, but the one point I’ll draw from the hat is assuming that was totally doable, she filled out a questionnaire while she was in the light and was spiritually recycled to her first pick, why would Diana want to go through all of that one more time?  I can’t imagine her signing up for another tour of duty which has Prince Charles uttering the commands.   Her dying words were, “leave me alone”.  Princess Diana had such a radiant beauty and bewitching way that people always wanted a little piece of it for themselves.  Even in a room full of people captivated by her, she almost always felt all alone.  That kind of life is very draining and disorienting, I can’t imagine her choosing it twice.

Eventually we’ll learn that George is his own person and a future ruler.  But if this last month has proven anything, it’s royal babies and royal couples can be royally uninteresting, remarkable only in the ways others are able to exploit it, offering up details that shouldn’t have been shared or adding to the collective of false information out there.   They’re just trying to live their lives, we don’t need to watch every second of it.  It’s sensory overload, when I close my eyes I see white spots on a blue dress, when I open them, it’s on the cover of every magazine.  Unless someone has proof that Prince William is half centaur and that the Duchess of Cambridge is a water sprite and George is already proving himself quite the capable wizard, I gotta say, there’s nothing on this channel to watch.

When Prince William was a child, Princess Diana was able to give him some semblance of a normal life and that made him the man he is today and the man who will lead the UK in the future.  The world is a different place now, almost everyone has a smartphone, what the paparazzi doesn’t catch, everyone in the crowd does, we are so imbued in social media, we see life as wall posts, it’s become how we connect with others, we live through our devices.  A child always represents hope for the future so I understand where the media fixation on George is coming from but I think we’ve OD’d on this joyous occasion.  It might seem like some far away modern fairytale but we all play a part in how it is allowed to play out.  I no longer buy People Magazine, US Weekly or any other magazine that purchases paparazzi photographs because of the death of Princess Diana, I didn’t want to financially contribute to these organizations that created the photographic frenzy. I know it’s a very small gesture but as the saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

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Love,

Lola