Tag Archives: Duchess of Cambridge

Prince William Does Disappointing Kate Middleton Impression

Prince William stepped in for Kate Middleton on St. Patrick’s Day distributing shamrocks to the Irish Guards.  This was basically Kate’s one tradition that was hers since joining the British Royal Family and she decided to stay at home with her kids, nannies, staff and likely her Mum Carole.  Because reasons.

At this point, I think we can all safely assume that the Cambridge’s Communications Secretary, Jason Knauf, is dead.  Like crossed-over-into-the-light dead because any earth-bound  spin doctor spirit would  have  found a way to make the walls bleed, “Do not disrespect the military.”  If Jason is still alive, he’s sitting aboard a superyacht purchased for him by the Republican party,  melting Lego Prince William and Lego Kate Middleton with an Acme evil death ray, texting Dr. No, “Told Kate it’s ok to blow off Irish Guards, LOL” and creating fake Twitter accounts to screw with royal photographers.

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There is no other logical explanation.

The public outrage over Kate breaking with 115 years of royal tradition was as to be expected.

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As these screen grabs from the Daily Mail show, Prince William did his best Kate Middleton impression.  He did the teeth.

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He did the weird over-the-top expressions that likely psychologically scarred small children (although that might just be his face).

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Crikey, that’s terrifying.

But he just couldn’t master Kate’s bouncing wiglet-on-a-stick gait.  And I don’t think anyone cared what shoes he was wearing.

Domhnall, the Irish Wolfhound, appeared to be relieved to be spared Kate’s clumsy attempts to attach the shamrocks.  William simply handed Domhnall’s bunch to his handler to avoid a situation like last year when Domhnall appeared to be desperately scanning the crowds for someone to call PETA.   There was a marked difference between Domhnall’s body language this year with William and last year with Kate.

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Even for a pathologically lazy duchess, skipping this engagement is baffling.  Proving to the public she is unwilling to participate in tradition which is the whole reason the monarchy still exists is a poor strategy.  Slighting those who serve their country is unforgivable.  Voluntarily dropping out of an event with attractive men in uniform is just stupid and against almost everything I personally hold sacred.  I think Kate  has a scheduled engagement today maybe, opening some shop for EACH or burning down a children’s cancer ward.  It’s kind of hard to pretend to care about a public figure who can’t be bothered pretending to care about the public.

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Kate Orders a Code Grey

On Pi  Day, Kate Middleton finally hit double digits in her annual engagement tally at the Commonwealth Day services at Westminster Abbey.

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Kate decided to celebrate the union of  the Commonwealth’s 53 countries with the ugliest effing coat I’ve ever seen, disease-afflicted dove grey with a mourning veil melted to it in a nuclear fashion disaster, left dabbing its eyes at the graveside of Erdem which made the bespoke coat.  That’s right, you can’t just buy a coat this hideous, you actually have to have it custom made.  In law, that’s known as premeditation.  In fashion, that’s known as stupid.  And, like all  of Kate’s bespoke, it was poorly tailored.   The Daily Mail has all the gruesome photos.

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The hat is John Boyd who was one of Princess Diana’s favorite milliners.  Grey Rupert Sanderson suede shoes and a grey Emmy London clutch were also used to execute the Code Grey.  Kate was really reaching back  into the 80s for inspiration.

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Kate Middleton has not only put a hit out on fashion, she hired Buffalo Bill who now apparently works at Erdem to skin it and make her a coat out of its corpse.  It rubs the  lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

The fact that Kate hasn’t been arrested yet for ordering this Code Grey on fashion makes me think the Fashion Police might not be an actual division of law enforcement.

There’s no way Kate would hold up under sartorial cross examination.  Suri Cruise could get Kate to blurt out:

“You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me in bad bespoke, you need me in bad bespoke. We use words like wiglet, clutch, court shoes. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent desperately trying to avoid work and spend our time shopping. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a public that rises and sleeps to provide the very fashion I mock them with and then questions the manner in which I wear it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a credit card and start shopping. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.”

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Kate: “I did the job I…”

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Kate: “You’re Goddamn right I did!”

I rest my case.

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Kate May Have A Secret Bigger Than Victoria’s

I might owe Kate Middleton an apology.  While the Duchess of Cambridge has only carried out a padded 342 official engagements in her five years of duchessing and last year accounted  for a pitiful 1.66% of the British Royal Family’s workload, there may be a reason for it  other than Kate being the laziest woman  on the planet.  It’s possible Kate does engage in secret activities, just not the so-called covert charity visits her PR reps have laughably tried to convince  the world Kate undertakes.  No, the explanation might be far more believable.  It’s possible Kate Middleton IS Bigfoot.

A couple of years ago, I noticed that when Kate completely disappears for weeks, there tends to be a Bigfoot or Yeti sighting.  On April 1, 2014, I noted in Kate Doesn’t Mind the Gap, “This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sightings.”  On May 9, 2014 when Kate hadn’t been seen since the end of the New Zealand/Australia tour, I mused in Bigfoot Spotted on the Slopes, Still no Kate, “There’s been one major Bigfoot sighting filmed in Canada since Kate boarded the plane in Australia but no sightings of the duchess.”

Once again with Kate missing in action, the Daily Mail has reported that Yeti tracks have possibly been spotted in the Himalayas.

I’m not suggesting Kate is some kind of shape-shifter or even that Bigfoot/Yeti really exist.  BUT, where are these Bigfoot/Yeti sightings usually reported?  Snowy mountains.  We know Kate loves sneaking away for ski vacations with William and she’s been spotted more than once wearing fur.  Maybe when she’s off on ski holidays, she throws on some furs and trudges around a mountain top to give tin-foil hat wearers living in their parents’ basements something to excitedly chat about, other than the usual conspiracy theories that surround the British Royal Family.   Or maybe it’s less altruistic and William tells Kate to put on her furs because they are going to a very special sale at Zara’s by helicopter and then drops her off on a snowy mountain top hoping she’ll never find her way back.

It was one of the pics in this latest DM article that really cemented this theory for me.  Look at this picture and then try to tell me this isn’t the gait of a Middleton.

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The Duchess Who Cried Keen

Despite a flurry of reports towards the end of 2015 that Kate Middleton is “keen to demonstrate an increased commitment to the charity sector” as the Daily Mail indicated, Kate has performed exactly 0 official engagements to date this year and hasn’t done an official engagement since December 16, 2015.  While the British Royal Family has padded Kate’s engagements in the past, the brief wreath laying on January 10th was not included in the Court Circular as an official event.

Since joining the British Royal Family five years ago, Kate  Middleton  has undertaken a grand total of  342 engagements.  In 2015, the Queen carried out 341 engagements.  So basically it takes a 34-year-old-duchess five years to rack up the  same number of events an 89-year-old-monarch knocks out in one year.

Duchessing comes with some pretty impressive job security.  With most jobs, if you don’t bother showing up for work for over a month, your framed pictures, plants and the marshmallow shooter  you got as a Secret Santa gift probably won’t still be on your desk whenever you  decide to make a  special guest appearance at your workplace.

With no Kate Middleton engagements to report on and space to fill, media outlets have been rehashing Joanne Froggatt’s appearance on Conan during which the actress revealed she had made an “accidental sex pun” to Kate Middleton when she visited the Downton Abbey set on March 12, 2015.  Joanne Froggatt recounted that Kate had said, “It feels strange. Being in your bedroom.”  to which the actress responded, “Yeah, not many people get to come in Lady Mary’s bedroom.”

Kate Middleton’s tour of the Downton Abbey set counted as one of her 62 engagements  in 2015.  When Kate “popped  in”, Downton Abbey was already shooting its final season so there really wasn’t much of a point to Kate’s visit other than getting to tour the set of one of her favorite shows.  It certainly didn’t seem to have any  effect on the  show’s ratings.   In fact, when the first episode of season six debuted in the UK on September 20, 2015, it was the lowest rated debut  in the series run with 7.6 million viewers tuned in, down from the previous year’s 8.43 million.  (Source: Deadline).  The US  season six  premiere on January 3rd drew 9.9 million viewers, down from the previous year’s 10.1  million. (Source:  Variety).

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And why would Kate’s visit have any effect?  Would anyone suddenly start watching the tail end of a show just because Kate Middleton walked around the set, saw costumes  being  made and watched a scene being shot?  Would mainstream critics suddenly be swayed by the show’s quality because a woman who waited  almost a decade for a man to marry her met the show’s cast?

Kate was positively beaming during the tour as photos featured in the Telegraph revealed, showing the kind of interest normally absent from events when she has to pretend to care about sick kids or art or being a representative of the UK:

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Eight days prior to Kate’s Downton Abbey visit, Sophie, Countess of Wessex toured the set with Angelica Rivera, the First Lady of Mexico.   Sophie’s hosting duties did not count as an official engagement and yet Kate’s did.

So not only did  Kate’s set tour count as work, her desire to visit the set  of one of her favorite shows  wound up  costing the taxpayer  quite a bit in undisclosed security costs.  As Joanne  Froggatt revealed on Conan,  “But — and obviously there’s a lot of security that comes with it as well. She’s royalty. The days before we have the police around, sniffing dogs. It feels like a huge event.”

Note that Joanne Froggatt indicated the days before.   Securing a set is a massive endeavor.  There are the cameras, audio equipment, lighting, monitors, the sets, prop storage rooms, hair and make-up departments, wardrobe for every character,  etc.  The  taxpayers footed the bill for days of security teams doing sweeps, bomb sniffing dogs, and most likely background checks by Scotland Yard on each and every cast and crew member affiliated with the show.

Joanne Froggatt may have made an  accidental sex pun  that day, but Kate managed to screw over the taxpayers twice.  And it looks like she’s starting this year off just like the others, with much ado about nothing.

At this point, Kate has cried “keen” far too many times.  If she ever does decide to do the job she accepted on April 29, 2011, no one will actually believe it.

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Blue Monday-Busting BRF

According to a quasi-scientific  study released back in 2005, the third Monday of January is the most  depressing day of the year.  Despite the questionable criteria used  to determine the calendar’s biggest bummer, it’s not that big of a stretch.   Fully detoxed from holiday highs and doggie-paddling in the dashed optimism of New Year’s Resolutions,  those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are at the peak of winter dreariness, dreading the walk to the mailbox in  the cold barren grey stillness for credit card statements made thicker by holiday shopping.

Fortunately, the British Royal Family is maintaining a high  level of ridiculousness to distract us from  short days, wind chill factors and the ho ho humdrum of January.

On Friday, an announcement was made that Kate Middleton will be serving as Guest Editor for Huffington Post UK for a day in February.

Kensington Palace released a statement saying:

“The Duchess of Cambridge has made the mental health of young people a key focus of her work in recent years. She is delighted that The Huffington Post will help put a spotlight on this important issue.

The duchess will be commissioning contributions from a number of leading figures in the mental health sector as well as from young people, parents, and teachers.”

Royal correspondents were  Twitterly  unamused.

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In addition to running the same kind of pap pics that make Prince William threaten to huff and puff and blow  the house down, Huffington  Post UK hasn’t always treated the Cambridges in a dignified manner, recently insinuating that Kate confused royal semen with hair gel to achieve Something About Mary sperm hair.

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Huffington Post seems to spend an inordinate amount  of time pondering royal trouser trout.

Following the birth of Prince George, the  US version of Huffington Post speculated that the 150-year-old tradition of circumcising British  royals ended with Prince William and Prince Harry whose foreskin was not removed due to Princess Diana’s wishes and surmised that  Prince George’s royal scepter would remain intact.  Going one step further, Huffington Post UK declared the idea of a circumcision total tosh, accusing  circumcision-happy Americans for starting the rumor.  Sure, blame the Americans, everyone knows the  Declaration of Independence originally included “life, liberty, pursuit of happiness and freedom of foreskin” but had to be modified because the signers couldn’t keep a straight face adding their signatures below the president of Congress’ enormous Hancock.

Without doing any in-depth  research on the matter, the Huffington Post still found it necessary to discuss  princely staffs.  One of the readers here will just have to sleep with Prince Harry to put at least one rumor to bed.  It’s quite possible that Prince William and Prince Harry are both circumcised,  at least going by the old photos of Prince William taking a  leak on a polo field back in 2008 (photos of are not suitable for viewing at work, while eating, after eating  or if in general the very thought of Prince William makes your vagina dry-heave).  Theoretically, Prince William could have been pushing his foreskin back with his fingers, but at least to me the rounded blur looks a professionally trimmed helmet on William’s little Flight Lieutenant.  Did anyone else just throw up a little in their mouth and/or underwear?

While Kate having the Huffington Post swing by Kensington Palace  for a day  is for an important cause, many are left wondering exactly how this came about.

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Or why, especially considering the couple has been seeking to bypass the loathsome media completely with announcements and official royal baby portraits released directly on the @KensingtonRoyal  Twitter account.  As royal photographer, James Whatling pointed out, perhaps the Cambridges wouldn’t mind the media as long as they completely controlled it.

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Within reason, of course.

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Perhaps it’s all an elaborate ruse to get Pippa’s CV to Huffington Post since poor Kate is swamped according to a Daily Mail article that ran over the weekend with Kate being the Second Coming of Diana and all.  According to the article,  Kate has been undertaking secret charity visits like her deceased mother-in-law.  I wonder if the Daily Mail knows that Peter Jones is not a charity.   The article notes, “As a result she has ordered aides to fill her diary for 2016 and is keen to demonstrate an increased commitment to the charity sector.”

Maybe Kate  is keeping  these visits such a secret that even those she’s visiting don’t even know she’s there, maybe the children think she’s some kind of  fidgety mop boogyman lurking in the shadows. Considering that Buckingham Palace padded Kate’s 2015 numbers to get her up to 62 engagements for the year, including her tour of the set of  Downton  Abbey, the birth of Charlotte  and Charlotte’s private christening in the total, I am skeptical of any report that Kate is secretly doing work for which she’s not getting credit.

Last year Kate’s engagement total accounted only for 1.66% of the entire British Royal Family’s workload.  In 2014, she performed 2.23% of the royal family’s duties. Does anyone really expect us to believe that Kate is keen  on anything other than shopping?  And as for “filling up her calendar”, Kate has yet to have a  single event appear in the Court Circular for this year so clearly her calendar  is not filled considering we’re already three weeks into 2016 and her last engagement was on December 16, 2015.  That’s a five week break  from duties, so she’s not exactly hitting the ground running.

In other leg-pulling royal news, the Queen’s  eldest grandson, Peter Phillips, is organizing a celebration in the Mall for the 628 charities of which Her Majesty is Patron in honor of the monarch’s 90th birthday.   Tickets will run the Queen’s charities £1,500 for a table of 10 people but the charities are permitted to sell up to  40% of their tickets out of consideration for the burden of the cost on these non-for-profit organizations, some of which are very small. Otherwise it  would be tacky for a hostess to ask foundations barely scraping by to absorb the whole cost of going to her birthday party, at the very least, people who  aren’t involved with the charity at all should have the opportunity to go instead of those who tirelessly devote themselves to their respective causes for little or no pay. This idea could really catch on in event planning, I can see wedding guests  lining up at vending  machines punching  the appropriate button for chicken or fish and baby showers with a cover charge and two drink minimum,  the  fetus’ cost can be deducted from his or her college fund once the little tyke is born.  Peter Phillips insists nepotism  had  nothing  to with his company, Sports and Entertainment Limited, being the one  selected to organize  the event  for which he  is receiving an undisclosed sum.   The Queen’s grandson declared, “I was very conscious to make sure we did this properly, so we went through the normal channels of approaching the Palace. We had to show that this wasn’t a case of trying to cut corners because the Queen happens to be my grandmother.”

The fact that Sports and Entertainment Limited was selected to plan Her Majesty’s  90th birthday bash I’m  sure had nothing to do at all with Peter Phillips’ royal family ties, just like I’m sure it was simply a coincidence that Peter Phillips’ company Sports and Entertainment  Limited was the one that brokered the £150,000 deal to sell the first photos of Zara’s daughter, Mia, to Hello! magazine.

It’s rather unseemly to sell  tickets  to this  event, the Queen’s 90th birthday isn’t a concert.  She’s the Head of State, not Adele.   Unless Her Majesty, Prince Philip and  Prince Charles are going to put on wigs, cat ears and leopard leotards and perform as a Josie and the Pussycats tribute band, I can’t imagine paying to be part of someone’s birthday celebration.

Richard Palmer’s Twitter page has been a goldmine  of  disenchantment in recent days.  One of his latest blows was an Express article about Norfolk Country Houses From The Air  for  sale at the Sandringham gift shop containing commissioned aerial photographs of Sandringham and Anmer Hall.  The book  contains the very types of photos  that Prince William  crusaded against, petitioning to have Anmer Hall declared a no-fly zone.  I guess it’s only a privacy violation  if you’re not getting  paid.

The entertainment value of the ridiculous antics of the British Royal Family  have helped a  bit with my winter blues.   And here I thought all January would have to offer was the return of the X-files on Sunday.

The truth is out there and so is this underground  video of Bree Sharp’s David Duchovny which is a festival of 90s nostalgia. If you didn’t  get at least a bit of chuckle from those silly British royals, perhaps  this video will push you  a  bit further out of the Blue Zone.   It was made by members of the X-files crew  and shown at their holiday party. Because of the multitude of celebrity cameos, some of which were  shot on the sets of other shows on the  same  lot, it could never  be officially released.

Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wijp4-3giNw

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Kate Middleton’s Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday.  According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.

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Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him.  Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services.  Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.

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Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve  and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy.  Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.

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The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.

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The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.

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Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.

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Likely, Pippa’s fur hat was borrowed from Kate since Pippa’s skinned animal corpse cranium cap resembles a microphone windshield.

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Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.

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Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck.  I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.

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Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen.  At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.

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When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally.  Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all.  Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.KateStPatrick'sDay2013

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.

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After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died.  According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end.  Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.

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New Photos of Princess Charlotte

On Sunday, two pictures of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana were released on Kensington Palace’s @KensingtonRoyal Twitter account.  By posting these photos of their children on social media, the Cambridges are able to control what gets distributed to the public and remove the loathsome media middleman.  It’s a smart move given that Princess Charlotte has been the least photographed princess since Rapunzel.  Since it’s unlikely Kate will permit her daughter to out-hair her, releasing these photos to the masses reduces the kind of photographic bounty that might tempt Peter Parker to use his great power to become a web-slinging paparazzo.

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The photos were taken by Kate Middleton at the beginning of November.  Likely these photos were taken with the same Canon EOS 5D Mark II Kate used for Charlotte’s first official baby portraits.

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The new Charlotte photos are the best of all Kate’s attempts both technically and compositionally, finally putting her on par with most mothers on Facebook.  She avoided the mistakes of Princess Charlotte’s first official baby portraits in which an abundance of white fabric bounced the light and created distracting glowing effects.  If Kate really applies herself, in a decade or two she might be able to get a job with Sears Portrait Studios.

The green gingham upholstered French chair suggests the photos were likely taken in Charlotte’s nursery, creating a warmer and more personal feel than the generic beige backgrounds Kate gravitates towards.  It is a chair fit for a princess.

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Princess Diana spent many hours on a green upholstered antique French chair in her sitting room, working on her correspondence.

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Of course, this is a more widely recognized image of Princess Diana on an antique French chair with some gingham in the background to boot.

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Perhaps Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana being photographed on a green gingham antique French chair is just a coincidence, but Kate has gone to some pretty extensive lengths to dress George in clothing nearly identical to the outfits Princess Diana selected for William.

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So it’s not outside the realm of possibility Kate will draw inspiration from the past with her daughter.

Hopefully the Cambridges will avoid such overt sartorial references with Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana since she will already inevitably be compared to the grandmother whose childhood was spent at Park House, a mere three miles from Anmer Hall.  No gingham required.

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Kate’s Hair is a Sight2See at Place2Be Headteacher Conference

For the second time since becoming Patron of Place2Be, Kate got jacked by the wind upon arrival at one of its events.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t as bad as when this happened:

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This time the wind just staged a hair assault.  But it did set a tone of levity in the press for an event at which Kate Middleton delivered one of those rare speeches with words and sentences and everything.

Even though some speech experts recommend opening with a joke, I doubt many would suggest the kind of semen hair joke The Huffington Post UK went with in its Comedy Section Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s ‘There’s Something About Mary’ Moment piece featuring this side-by-side:

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The Daily Mail also made a movie reference with its Gone with the Wind!  Duchess of Cambridge struggles to contain her bouncy locks as she visits London Conference to make a rare public speech about her ‘wonderful and secure’ childhood headline that was practically as long as the cinematic classic itself.  One of their photos captured the same kind of Scarlett O’Hara “I won’t let it go while there’s breath left in my body” resolve Kate seems to possess when it comes to leaving her hair down.

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OK! proclaimed Kate Middleton embraces windswept hair as she attends the Headteacher Conference in London with a pic of the duchess featuring the kind of pompadour height The King would have envied:

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To be fair, Kate doesn’t control the wind.  Even Oprah doesn’t control the wind.  But Kate does have access to weather forecasts calling for an updo or a window that enables her to reach for a ponytail elastic when she sees the house from the Wizard of Oz fly by because it’s so freaking windy in London that day.  Weather happens.

This is how Sophie, Countess of Wessex, prepared for her November 11th Veterans Day visit to The Queen Elizabeth II September 11th Garden in NYC which had some rain, some fog, some overcast skies and some sun with a high of 57 F and low of 50 F with winds topping out at 5.583 mph.

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Sophie often wears her hair back at events.  People tend not to take you seriously if they can’t see you.  That’s why you don’t see a lot of ghosts being interviewed on Charlie Rose.

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Perhaps the wind was trying to do Kate a solid and show off her recently debuted $3,300 Kiki McDonough diamond earrings which otherwise would have been lost in her locks.

KikiMcDonoughEarringsAnd at least the wind headlines cut down on the number of those proclaiming that Kate recycled her 2012 Matthew Williamson peplum dress.  I’m as guilty as anyone for using the word “recycle” when it comes to Kate wearing an article of clothing more than once, but it’s a strange way to refer to what is a completely normal occurrence every single day all around the world.  It both implies there’s something noble about Kate not immediately discarding clothing after use and it makes her sound like a labeled bin in which people should be putting their bottles and cans.

Kate’s speech came in at 3:20 and can be viewed on Daily Mail as can a transcript of the speech.  In terms of delivery, Kate showed some improvement over previous speeches which lends credibility to claims she’s been working on her public speaking, possibly with a coach.  Kate looked up more from the sheets of paper than in the past, however sheets of paper or note cards should only be used for reference so eye contact can be made with the audience.  Every time Kate lifted her head, her fringe flew up like flares, it was distracting.  Kate’s breathing was more measured in the beginning, but she began to lose confidence, seemingly strained by the Received Pronunciation affectation issue that’s plagued past speeches.  At one point her face went ashen, appearing to be daunted by the realization that there were still more words to go.  Her intonation was a slightly better but still needs developing.  Further practice will help with nerves and if she watches the speeches she has given to help her identify areas she needs to work on, she can continue to improve.

What I found most disappointing about the speech was its content in which she equated mental health with luck, referencing her own upbringing and indicating, “My parents and teachers provided me with a wonderful and secure childhood where I always knew I was loved, valued and listened to.”  That correlation suggests those with mental illness are just plain unlucky that they weren’t born to families that could afford better schools.  Her speech ignores genetic and biological causes of mental illnesses which according  to the Place2Be website effects three children in every classroom.  Kate stressed “not all children have the anchor of a strong family” which is a disservice to the cause she is supposed to be championing, mental health issues can effect anyone from any background.

One of the reasons mental health is such an important issue is because of the stigma surrounding mental illness, people are afraid to admit to any form of mental issues out of fear it will change how they are perceived.  It’s estimated that in the US 80% of those suffering from clinical depression do not seek any form of treatment for it.

Place2Be provides support to schools in the form of individual and group counseling for children, support for parents and care-givers as well as training and guidance for school staff.  Providing these resources in schools is very important, but they won’t be effective if they aren’t utilized by those who need them.

I went to a school which had a staff psychologist whose door was always open.  Literally.  None of the students took advantage of the resources provided by the school because of that door.  In the few instances it was ever closed, students knew it was because someone had made an appointment and a watch began to see who would come out of it, which member of the student body was secretly “crazy”.  In the girl’s bathroom one day, I remember one student advising another not to seek help for her emotional struggles through the school because it would be social suicide.

No matter how many resources Place2Be provides, the stigma surrounding mental health issues needs to change because children will resist programs that they feel distinguishes them as different in a way they perceive as negative.  Parents will also be less receptive to a program whose Patron suggested their children’s mental illness is linked to their poor parenting.

The steps Kate is taking to be heard are important, but even a flawlessly delivered speech cannot compensate for a flawed message that can be detrimental to the cause she is trying to help.  There were suggestions that Kate wrote this speech herself, which hopefully she did because if a professional speechwriter wrote her Place2Be speech, Kate might be better served trying that individual out as a stylist, tailor or hair wrangler.

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Out of the Blue

On Sunday, an Express Exclusive boldly proclaimed, “Duchess of Cambridge ready to prove she’s more than just a pretty face”.  Camilla Tominey apparently drew the short straw and wound up having to put her name to four and a half years of empty PR promises.

Tuesday’s Fostering Excellence Awards hosted  by Holly Willoughby marked Kate Middleton’s first solo outing since this latest press reassurance that Kate is truly committed to giving this whole duchessing a go.  Demonstrating she is a modern woman of substance, Kate showed up at in a 1960s-inspired dress by Saloni.

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The Daily Mail indicated the dress was inspired by a 1960s musical but didn’t indicate which one.  Maybe Sail Away?  How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying?  Hair?  Kate chose to accessorize the electric blue dress with her Alexander McQueen black belt.  Not every dress needs a belt and especially not this one.  We get it. you’re skinny.

Kate stepped into her fresh “new high profile role” in a brand new pair of Gianvito Rossi shoes that look like exactly like every other pair of black suede pumps she already owns.  Btw, I think it’s time for Cambridge PR to retire “new high profile role” from the press release  rotation, after four and a half years, I doubt being a duchess has still maintained its fresh “new high profile role” smell.

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Described by Hilary Mantel as a “plastic  princess” and  “shop-window mannequin”, Kate sought to silence her critics in dolly curls and hair by Mattel.

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A source close to  my imagination admits, “It doesn’t have the same  kind of volume hold as MGA Hair yet, but Kate’s hair is the cause closest to her heart.”

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The Sunday Express Article offered the super-exclusive scoop that the reason Kate has done so few speeches and uttered so few words is that she has  a fear of public speaking.  Fear of public speaking affects approximately 75%  of the population (and about 99%  of everyone I know).  The way most of us learn to deal with our anxieties about public speaking is through the practice of public speaking because unless society learns to appreciate the subtle nuance of interpretive dance, we’re pretty much stuck with it.

As hinted, Kate did say a few words.  Her speech was more of an introduction, short, probably four sentences long.  As brief as it was, it was better than she usually provides.  I would still rank it as subpar, her delivery was flat, bobbing her head like a bird as she struggled to remember to look up at the audience.  It was a step in the general direction of the next level but certainly not the sort of substance Kate’s PR has been promising for the past four and a half years and vowed was really going to happen this time.

Maybe they want to lighten up a bit on the hard-sell, instead of proclaiming Kate’s going to hit the ground running, maybe they could say she’s going to try to look less stoned than at least one person in coat check.  Buzzwords like “keen” and “champion” should be changed to “vaguely aware of” and “show up for when her event totals are low”.  Because after years and years of the same empty promises about the Caribbean Queen and Patron Saint of Bad Bespoke suddenly becoming a great humanitarian, there has yet to be any evidence to support the claims she even  cares, let alone these ridiculous attempts to suggest  she is able to cure all the ills of  society from an undisclosed remote location and is secretly conducting charity board meetings from Anmer’s newly renovated Batcave.  The more cynical the public becomes, the more difficult it will be for any positive efforts Kate does make to be recognized.  Whether evaluating on substance or style, the only thing magical about a few spoken sentences and typical Kate attire is the ability to make interest disappear.

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Remembrance Sunday

Sunday November 8th was Remembrance Day in the UK, a solemn day honoring the sacrifices of war and those who have fallen in current and past conflicts including the First and Second World Wars.

This year, the British Royal Family was joined by King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima in commemoration of the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands from Nazi occupation.  King Willem-Alexander participated in the wreath-laying ceremony at the Cenotaph in Whitehall while Queen Maxima joined Kate Middleton, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office balcony to watch the service.

Because Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is presently on a tour of New Zealand and Australia with Prince Charles, Kate was the most senior  member of the British Royal Family this year on the balcony.  Many royal watchers wondered how Kate would fare in the presence of the dynamic, intelligent, regal, quadrilingual, and accomplished Queen Maxima, especially considering Kate has struggled with event-appropriate demeanor since joining  the British Royal Family.

The Neverland Duchess wore Alexander McQueen for her balcony appearance with the Netherlands Queen.

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Kate’s ill-fitting Alexander McQueen coat  was bespoke.   Once  again Kate’s bespoke has left me bespeechless.  I’m baffled how clothing custom-made according to Kate’s measurements and tailored to her body could wind up  looking like it was picked up from an irregulars bin at a flea market.  London is world-renowned for its tailoring, it actually has famous tailors.  One was even awarded the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire for services to tailoring.  So why does Kate keep winding up with couture that looks like a Home  Ec assignment gone horribly wrong?

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The only way this would vaguely even make sense is if she had scuba gear on under her coat because she and William were planning on jetting off to Mustique immediately after the service.

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Caribbean happy thoughts might explain why Kate kept closing her eyes during the Remembrance Sunday service… her face probably looks a bit different when she closes her eyes and thinks of England.  Kate’s next scheduled event isn’t until the 17th and the Cambridges were rumored to be Mustique-bound in November.

Perhaps thoughts of flight were behind the butterfly fascinator which resembled cat ears, calling to mind the bunny ear pillbox hat of last year’s Anzac Day.

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Groucho Marx said, “Humor is reason gone mad.”  I can  only assume Kate’s brows were intended to lighten the mood.

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With cracks visible in Kate’s facade,  many wondered how she would hold up as the most senior role alongside the much loved and larger-than-life Queen Maxima, given her past  widely criticized appearances on Remembrance Sunday.

In 2011, Kate joined Camilla, Sophie and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office Balcony, visibly enjoying being royal on a balcony.  A festive Kate smiled and laughed,  played with her hair, made  faces, seemingly not grasping that most people view war and death with sadness.

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Kate’s crack-ups  proved infectious and the normally restrained Sophie lost her composure when Camilla suddenly disappeared from view.  One was not amused.  The following year the Queen appointed her Lady in Waiting, Lady Susan Hussey to the balcony.

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Under the watchful eye of Lady Susan Hussey, the royals scarcely dared to blink.  Kate behaved to the best of her abilities.

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Without the  adult supervision of Lady Susan Hussey in 2013, all of Kate’s pent-up crazy from the previous year’s Remembrance Sunday manifested in a flirty hair-twirling lark for the duchess who thought perhaps others might not be so bummed about lost loved ones if her hair looked pretty enough.

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In 2014, Kate and Sophie showed up in nearly identical  coats which seemed to have a sobering effect on Kate who was less expressive and exuberant than the previous year.

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With the exception of her curiously closed eyes, Groucho Marx brows and questionable headgear, I think Kate did a good job this year on the balcony, but honestly it’s becoming more difficult to tell with diminished expectation.  Kate didn’t burst out laughing during the service honoring fallen servicemen and servicewomen, she didn’t flash anyone or spend an inordinate amount of time checking her extensions or searching her hair for Drops of Jupiter, she didn’t spin around really fast with her arms outspread to see if she could turn into Wonder Woman and she didn’t try to start a Mexican wave on the Foreign Office Balcony.  And maybe  the Catwoman headgear is a positive sign.

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Sure, at first the Queen  might be resistant to Catwoman Catherine  but Kate’s only other career aspiration is inherently flawed.

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