Tag Archives: Prince Harry

The Charge of the Prince Brigade

Half a league, half a league, 
Half a league onward, 
All in the valley of Death 
   Rode the British Monarchy.

 

The Daily Mail has its own take on Jason Knauf, Communications Secretary for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry.  They suggest the spin doctor is neither an idiot or the most evil adversary the British Royal Family has ever faced, he is simply a yes puppet perched on the tyrannical hand of the Petulant Prince who listens to no one on his staff.  As Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s poem Charge of the Light Brigade details, very bad things can happen when people blindly follow a leader who blunders.

If Prince William is behind the wheel fully intent on driving the British Monarchy off a cliff and Punxsutawney PR Puppet Jason is just along for the ride and doesn’t see his spine, exactly how many months remain until the winter of our discontent?

groundhogdaypickup

I’m not really sure, I sort of lost interest when I realized the answer might involve math.

Plus, the Cambridges have a curious way with their numbers.  On Thursday March 10th, they may have undertaken two or three engagements.  The first engagement at Maytree, a suicide counsel center, was labeled a private one.  Normally these private engagements do wind up counting towards their dismally low annual totals,  but at this point the Court Circular’s website hasn’t been updated with the latest for confirmation so I’m sticking with a total of two for Thursday.

Maytree

“Forward, the Prince Brigade!
Charge for the cameras!” he said.

Waiting photographers were told  to go away, part  of Prince William’s ongoing campaign to  limit the number of royal photographers permitted at their engagements.

mc3.10.16

In the photos of Kate that made it on social media, she looked rather rough which shows why it’s a good idea in general to be nice to photographers.

kate3.10.16

Kate’s right eyelid (left in the above photo) was drooping more than the other.  Causes for unilateral ptosis can be attributed to either natural aging or be a side-effect of  Botox.  There’s nothing natural about how quickly Kate is aging, especially since she’s said to enjoy the deadening embrace of neurotoxin.  The puffiness of Kate’s right lid (photo left) in comparison to the left suggests a likely Botox-assist.

kateeyecloseup

Kate was so keenly keen on showing her keenness for suicide awareness, she didn’t even bother taking off her coat at Maytree or for the first official engagement at St. Thomas Hospital where she and Prince William met with Jonny Benjamin whose suicide attempt was stopped by Neil Laybourn  six years ago.  Once back at Kensington Palace for a group discussion, Kate finally took off her coat.

The body language and forced expressions of William and Kate on Thursday suggested they were uncomfortable, but those revealing the most agonizingly painful moments of their lives when they were so bereft of hope they tried to commit suicide did their very best to try to make William and Kate feel okay about having to be there.

“Forward, the Prince Brigade!” 
Was there a man dismayed?

 

Oh, yeah.  It was hard to watch as many commented.

TwitterAwkwardComment

FakeLooks Pamelass:Harriet

On Friday, William and Kate had another joint engagement.  Those crazy kids, giving us twice the uselessness with an XLP event meeting at-risk youth who have benefited from the mentoring program.  Kate even wore a new red and white checked outfit by Eponine.  I think I probably liked it but I couldn’t really tell because of the same ol’ problem.

Katie'sCrotch

The Daily Mail has a gazillion photos and yet not a single  one of Kate without her clutch firmly held against her crotch disturbing the visual lines and minds everywhere.

kateeponine

Seriously, what is in that thing, a vibrator set all the way up to jackhammer?  That would explain all the over-the-top random mouth-agape expressions.

On Friday on Instagram, someone had PR blundered again with this post.

FridayKensingtonPalaceInstagram

Quite a few people made the same comment that William looked like he was peeing on flowers.

WhyIsHePeeingOnThoseFlowers Wee Comment

I actually noticed he looked like he was peeing at the same time I processed the clenched buttocks and his super wedgie so my initial thought was that William was very angry about having to pee on those flowers.  He really does resent everything, doesn’t he, even urination?  I noticed I wasn’t the only one who saw His Royal Wedgie.

WedgyComment

I don’t care how neutered William’s staff is, this photo should not  have been posted on Kensington Palace’s Instagram account.  Even if William said, “I don’t think anything quite captures the tragic loss of life of the Japan tsunami like a picture where it looks like I’m holding my willy,” someone should have replied, “What the fuck is wrong with you?  Let us do our jobs.  We don’t walk into your luxury resort suites while you’re on holiday and tell you how to do nothing, we know you’ve got totally fucking useless all figured out.”

I’ve never viewed Charge of the Light Brigade as a story of courage.  I fail to see the honour of silent self-sacrifice.

Theirs not to make reply, 
   Theirs not to reason why, 
   Theirs but to do and die. 
   Into the valley of Death 
   Rode the six hundred.

 

True courage is standing up to a leader you know is wrong.  Having the strength to say, “Sooo, noticed the Death Valley sign, saw you blunder, let’s brainstorm a new strategy so we don’t all have to die. ‘K?”

The army of media continues to storm the Cambridges with critical articles while all the world wonders with Camilla Tominey taking the latest shot  while Ian Burrell of The Independent  also thundered.  Shattered and sundered they might ride back, but not the six hundred.

redheart

signature copy

 

Is Jason Knauf Fur Real?

This is Jason Knauf, Communications Secretary for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry.

JasonKnauf

He looks like the kind of well-groomed, non-threatening generic American model that J. Crew uses to sell cardigans.  While it’s true that pr reps can only be as effective as their clients are cooperative, in recent weeks Jason has started looking like he is either a complete idiot or the most deliciously evil adversary the British Monarchy has ever faced, the kind that from a historical perspective could ultimately make Rasputin look like Funshine Bear.

The Cambridge’s spin doctor has a background in crisis management and started his royal gig in the beginning of 2015.  Jason Knauf replaced former BBC producer, Ed Perkins, who had joined the Palace in 2007 working for the Duke of York, managing his scandals and overseeing the Diamond Jubilee before being assigned to Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge where he lasted two and a half years before deciding on a new career path.  The search for Perkins’ replacement lasted six months, reportedly Prince William wanted someone whose loyalties weren’t divided by connections to other members of the British Royal Family.  So basically, William’s criteria was finding someone who couldn’t be influenced by the guiding wisdom of his father or grandmother.  And really, Her Majesty has only built one of the most globally recognized brands in the world, what could she possibly know about public relations.

Recent pr mistakes by Jason Knauf’s office have led to even more media backlash towards the  Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  The latest likely made both Jesus and Darth Vader facepalm.

jesusdarthvaderfacepalm

The force of Captain Picard’s facepalm probably blew the Enterprise off course.

picardfacepalm

I didn’t even catch this latest goof, but the press sure did.  The Daily Mail ran an article on the mittens Kate wore in the photos released this week  by Kensington Palace on Twitter showing the Cambridges on a ski getaway from all that work they’re not doing.  Kate’s Alexski gloves are lined with possum fur.

Cambridge3

Alexski

While it’s not surprising a woman who has been photographed wearing a fur hat while hunting pheasant bred for the royally lazy version of the bloodsport would wear fur-lined gloves, it’s shocking that the Palace would release photos of Kate wearing them to the world.  Could they not find a clubbed baby seal for Kate to put a cigarette out on?

The ski glove’s possum fur comes from New Zealand where the marsupial is widely considered a pest because it is a non-indigenous species that was introduced in the 19th century by the fur industry and having no natural predator, possums have wreacked considerable havoc on New Zealand’s flora and fauna.  One land’s pest is another’s protected species, there are even people who (mostly illegally and definitely ill-advisedly) keep possum as pets.  Usually what separates aww from ugh is how much destruction a species causes, in Australia where possums are indigenous, sometimes foxes are regarded as pests even though they bring the internet this kind of snuggle buddy cuteness.

DogCat&FoxNapping

In NYC, our pests are rats and mice.  Given their plague-spreading history, most wouldn’t put them on their most cuddly list but still wouldn’t stick their hands in the skinned remains of one.

Because of the exposed cruelties of the fur industry and the increased trendiness of its condemnation, spin doctors go to extraordinary lengths to shield their clients from the barrage of criticism that comes from being photographed in fur.  Even celebrities who unabashedly wear fur like Kim Kardashian are aware it’s a controversial topic many feel passionately about.  North West has gotten some serious shade for being papped in it and she’s only two.  Based on the fact that in this photo she’s dressed like her first word was “Nevermore”, I think it’s safe to assume most of North’s fashion isn’t self-selected and we should give the kid a pass.

NorthWest

For a small child to even be unfairly called a “fur hag” by some illustrates why most in the public eye steer clear of the fur debate, regardless of their personal feelings, it is a hotly debated topic.

Bella Thorne recently posted a photo of herself on Instagram in a fur jacket and in response to the enormous backlash, claimed it was faux fur.  When Instagram fashionistas identified it as an alice + olivia rabbit and fox jacket, the actress quickly deleted her faux fur claim and her reps dealt with the fall-out, releasing the statement Thorne “was told it was faux fur” with the promise she would never wear it again.

The Queen also provoked widespread criticism with her fur-clad Christmas appearance prompting many to take to social media to express their disappointment Her Majesty would even wear her vintage fur, especially since she is a representative of the UK which passed laws over a decade ago prohibiting “the keeping of animals solely or primarily for slaughter for the value of their fur”.

When public figures are already the subject of negative focus, it’s generally not a good idea to serve up more to find fault with on a gilded platter.  Really the only thing the Palace has as a selling-point for Kate is the so-called Kate Effect when people who want to dress like Kate snatch up whatever inventory is left on items Kate waits to wear so people can’t Copy-Kate her.    Every single outfit Kate wears is broken down and written about because she offers such little substance with which to work.  Considering how contrived and manipulated these snaps are, how did no one even think to make sure the Paper Doll Duchess wasn’t committing a pr fur pas?

While I find these pr goofs highly amusing, the British Royal Family might want to check Jason Knauf’s bank account for large deposits coming from the Republican Party because it’s hard to believe anyone with pr experience could screw up this royally.  Especially an American, we invented pr.  Technically, the founding father of spin was Austrian-American Edward Bernays but we staked the claim convincingly enough that the rest of the world bought it.  Quite frankly, the way the pr is being handled for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge is utterly un-American.

redheart

signature copy

Potential Dangers of Private Royals

For those not following royal photographers on Twitter, it seems like there was an incident on Saturday about which royal photographer, Niraj Tanna, cryptically Tweeted:

NirajTweet

While no specific royals were mentioned, royal watchers suspected it could be a dangerous escalation of the Cambridge’s ongoing privacy war against the media. The Usual Suspects, it turns out, were on an extended weekend ski getaway with newly released photos by John Stillwell Tweeted by @Kensington Royal providing the anticipated family photos to quiet the grumbling masses.

Photographer Jesal Parshotam offered another clue about what Tanna’s Tweet was eluding to:

JesalTweet

It was pretty messed up when in August, Jason Knauf, Communications Secretary to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry, released a public appeal for sympathy which also included the veiled threat, “it will not always be possible to quickly distinguish between someone taking photos and someone intending to do more immediate harm.”  But putting the general public at risk using taxpayer-funded RPOs driving recklessly to avoid being photographed ups the crazy factor.  Allegedly back in December, Kate Middleton’s car is said to have employed the same photographer evasion tactics.  As one royal watcher noted:

simonmensahtweet

If I were ever to be mowed down by a Royal Protection Officer driving recklessly to keep any member of the royal family from getting photographed, I would haunt the crap out of both the RPO and the royal in question.  And it wouldn’t be one of those polite hauntings either where a couple times a year you think you maybe saw something out of the corner of your eye and sometimes feel a cold draft that has no discernible source, I would throw a phantasmal freak-out.  There would be no Lola, only Zuul.

The Tweet of another royal photographer suggests the incident to which Niraj Tanna eluded transpired at the wedding of William’s ex-girlfriend, Olivia Hunt, which took place this weekend.

MarkStewartTweet

Interestingly, as Sebastian Shakespeare noted in his most recent Daily Mail piece, the only member of the British Royal Family to attend the wedding was Prince Harry.  Neither Prince William or Kate Middleton went, opting instead for a private family ski getaway.  While Prince Harry is not known to possess the same level of animosity towards the press as his older brother, he once got into an altercation with Niraj Tanna outside of Boujis, as detailed in a 2010 article by Camilla Tominay so it’s possible their history has something to do with Tanna’s Tweet.  Prince Harry has grown a lot in the past few years, though, and has found a way to juggle the pressures of his role, gladly posing for photos with royal fans, even tipping off the press as to his whereabouts while accommodating photographic requests.  Harry’s conducted himself with far more grace than his brother, the future king, which makes me even more curious about the missing pieces of this story which still remain untold.

This line from Sebastian Shakespeare’s Daily Mail article does not sit well at all with me, “Security was in place for royal guests. Tourists and photographers were turned away from entering, apparently at the request of the police.”

Exactly how much taxpayer money went towards security for this private wedding at Temple Church because of its royal guest list?  Security costs for the British Royal Family are never reported with the excuse that revealing the figure would somehow jeopardize their safety.  Were RPOs used to keep photographers from documenting this taxpayer expense, endangering the very taxpayers who fund them in the process?

Hopefully Niraj Tanna will follow up with details.  Considering this is the second accusation in three months of RPOs driving aggressively to avoid having pictures taken, hopefully some better way of handling the presence of photographers will be explored that won’t endanger the masses.

I really wish Crown Princess Victoria taught seminars on how to juggle a royal role and family life, both she and her husband, Prince Daniel, manage it far better than any other royals.  In my opinion, the reason they are able to have the privacy they want is because they are dedicated to duty and accommodate interest in their family, providing enough of a public presence that they are allowed to keep the rest for themselves.   After the birth last week of Prince Oscar Carl Olaf, Prince Daniel addressed reporters warmly and requested the same kind of space with their newborn son they were granted by the press when Princess Estelle was born for which they were so thankful.  No expectation of privacy letters handed out, no threats, just an acknowledgement of how wonderfully understanding the press had been after Estelle’s birth and an appreciative request that Oscar’s birth could be handled in the same manner.

These latest photos released of the Cambridges on Twitter are lovely, but ultimately, they are glossy photos of a family to which the public feels little connection enjoying some wintry frivolity.  I also question the reasoning behind taking photos of a couple criticized for their lack of worth ethic while on a get-away from the duties they rarely undertake.  While the photos are likely intended to represent a promising future for the monarchy, they also represent an increased burden on taxpayers.  RPOs are flown Business or First Class on the taxpayer’s dime, their accommodations, overtime and per diem are also covered by the taxpayer.  That’s a pretty pricy photo op during a time of austerity.

Cambridge1 Cambridge2 Cambridge3 Cambridge4 Cambridge5

redheart

signature copy

 

You Only Work Twice

The British Royal Trio was resurrected today for a double-header of events.

Earlier in the day, Prince  William, Prince Harry and Kate Middleton attended the BAFTA  premiere  of Shaun the Sheep: The Farmer’s Llamas.

Kate looked less than thrilled upon arrival.

KateArrivalMaybe she caught a reflection of herself wearing the Tabitha Web Meg Space dress which looked like the universe got carsick on the ride over and vomited cosmic chunks on her frock.

Kate stalled in the entryway, but was coaxed  inside by the guiding hand of her husband.

KateStalledSometime between the Welly tossing competition and arts and  crafts portion of the event,  Kate’s mood  lifted as she laughed at something her prince companions didn’t find quite as  amusing, revealing some chipped bonding from  one  of  her greyish molars.

KateAmusedBonding isn’t as durable as veneers and is more prone to staining from  smoking and drinking coffee, tea, and red wine.  Maybe she should have gone withBonding, James Bonding on her back teeth.

While Prince Harry seemed to  struggle while working with modeling clay, he excelled at bringing joy to the faces of children and that’s what it’s all about.

PrinceHarryShauntheSheepEven Kate  had a noteworthy moment with some kids, being ninja-hugged by two happy girls.

It  seemed legit to even my cynical eyes, so likely the two spontaneous huggers weren’t then tasered by Kate’s RPOs and issued restraining orders.

KateHuggedOf course, nothing  really lights up the Duchess of  Cambridge like celebrities.

A Hong  Kong journalist covering the Creative Collaboration: UK & China event wrote, “Most unexpectedly, Princess Kate, who should be used to meeting and greeting dignitaries and upper echelons of society, suddenly lightened up with great delight and was very girlish when meeting Jackie Chan.”

The public figure so preoccupied with preserving her own privacy appears to still be enamored with meeting people who are famous.  In  2011, the post-wedding Canadian Tour was extended to include the US  at Kate’s request so she could meet Hollywood celebrities at the BAFTA Brits to  Watch event. Kate seemed a little too into Nicole Kidman.

kate&nicolekidman

Tonight Kate got  to delight in meeting more celebs at the premiere of the James Bond film, Spectre.

KateinbespokeJennyPackham

Kate’s gown was bespoke  Jenny Packham  which means that not only was the design of the dress on purpose, it came with a much higher price tag.  Somehow it managed to combine side boob with Mother of the Bride.

KateSideBoob

Perhaps braless  Kate wanted to show off the  results of her rumored  breast lift?

If only there were celebrities in need, Kate might finally have a cause she could care about.

Kate&DanielCraig

redheart

signature copy

 

 

Prince Grumpy Cat and The Whirly Bird Mystery (Updated)

A few days ago on Royal Dish, I spotted a pic of a Star Magazine story of George saying goodbye to his uncle Harry on his way to work which Noodlesza posted.  Hi, Temi!

starmagazinewhirlybird

Except conveniently, Prince Harry is not pictured in any of the photos.  Since at the moment it’s raining the kind of giant heavy drops that make you feel like you’re being slapped in the head in NYC, I decided to apply my sleuthing skills to the Star magazine story.

The helicopter in the paparazzi photos is an AgustaWestland A109S.  The registration number visible on the craft G-XXEC is the same one as the helicopter the Queen leased last year for official engagements for William and Kate and other members of the British Royal Family if needed.  Official engagements, the kind that show up the Court Circular as evidence the British Royal Family is providing “value for money”.  This is the story the Daily Mail ran on the helicopter acquisition:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2664338/Heir-Force-One-Queen-leases-luxury-8million-helicopter-fly-Wills-Kate-official-engagements.html

The Star photos of George, Nanny Maria and Lupo supposedly on their way to see an invisible Prince Harry were taken on June 12, 2015 when Harry was still in the army, he had no official engagements that day.  If Harry was being picked up for some reason for just another day of looking sexy in uniform and other military duties, it wouldn’t be in the AgustaWestland A109S G-XXEC for official engagements, it would be in a military craft.  Military work doesn’t count as official royal work in the eyes of the official royal number keepers.

So who was George going to see in the photo?  When Prince Charles flies, he uses the Queen’s Sikorsky S-76C++ registration number G-XXEB, so it wasn’t grandpa.

PrinceCharlesheli

Jinkies!  It looks like we’ve got a real mystery on our hands, Gang.   Who is in the AgustaWestland whirly bird the adorable Prince Grumpy Cat is headed for in the Star magazine photos?  The real Captain Cutler covered with phosphorescent seaweed pretending to be the g-g-g-g-g-ghost of Captain Cutler?  Was it the creepy caretaker all along?

For possible suspects, I looked to the Court Circular.  Her Majesty was quite active on June 12, 2015 at Buckingham Palace, as was Prince Charles.  The Earl of Wessex, The Princess Royal and the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all had local engagements as well.

Zoinks!  No one needed an official whirly bird for an official engagement and there were no other engagements that day.

So, unless there was some misappropriation of Duchy money, then it had to be Prince William returning home from his June 11, 2015 speech at a special fundraising dinner for Jewish Care.  Another very expensive heli ride for William the Reluctant a couple of days before his $25,000 Magna Carta whirly bird whirl when the ceilings at Buckingham Palace are falling down?

And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

Ruh-roh.

******

Update 6/28/14.  Photos emerged with Harry which isn’t fantastic for the British Royal Family, especially considering the Royal Household Annual Accounts just came out.  The helicopter is for official engagements, Harry had none on June 12th (the date the photos were taken could be in question, Star magazine indicated they were taken the 12th, but if they were really taken on the 11th, then Prince Harry had the Afghanistan Memorial).  As delicious as Prince Harry looks in uniform, there still needs to be accountability.  Of course, Prince Harry could have been just there, the helicopter could have been used by William for his Jewish Care event, but this really needs to be investigated further.  If Harry did borrow the helicopter for a personal visit to see his nephew, then he needs to be formally reprimanded.  By me.  In leather.  And he would have to wear that uniform.  That is just how committed I am to the UK taxpayers.

HarryHeli1 HarryHeli2

 

 

redheart

signature copy

 

British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

redheart

 

signature copy

Prince William Ditches His Spouse For Grouse

Thanks to Lisa who posted the link to these pics in the comment section of “Is Lazy Kate Spinning a Yarn?”

PrinceWilliamGrouse

PrinceWilliamGrouse2

These photos of Prince William going grouse hunting near Balmoral were taken on Saturday September 13th.

The timing is interesting for a few reasons.

As Lisa pointed out in her comment, Prince William can’t be too worried about Kate who is reportedly so direly ill from hyperemesis gravidarum she is confined to Kensington Palace with doctors and IV drips.

Even if Kate doesn’t really have hyperemesis gravidarum as many suspect she doesn’t, Prince William’s bird killing retreat is still insensitive (and not just to the grouse).  Prince William was slated to begin training for his new helicopter pilot gig on Monday September 15th so he chose to spend his last (theoretically) fully free weekend away from his wife and one year old son, Prince George.

The Balmoral grouse getaway also indicates that Prince William wasn’t planning on supporting his brother at the weekend’s events for the Invictus Games.  Granny sent a lovely letter, James Blunt dedicated, “You’re Beautiful” to Prince Harry, the Foo Fighters and Ellie Goulding managed to make it.  But Prince William was apparently too busy satisfying an urge to participate in a bloodsport to attend games celebrating wounded servicemen and servicewomen.

Conservation groups are concerned over the illegal secretive measures currently being taken against the natural predators of grouse to ensure the grouse population will be large enough for hunting season.  Hen harriers are legally protected birds or prey but are considered pests to grouse moors and are secretly killed because their diet reduces the surplus of grouse available for bloodsport.  Funny how Prince William’s wildlife conservation concerns don’t apply to any animal he enjoys killing.

The hunting trip comes on the heels of the latest Morrissey slam about Prince William and Prince Harry’s “paranoid obsession with killing animals. They are so typical of the stupidly cruel killers who never actually get their hands dirty.”  The singer went on to note, “There’s a crackdown on possession of firearms in England, but the only people we ever see with guns are the stupid Royals, yet nobody says anything! I think violence is ingrained into our societies because of the abattoir or slaughterhouses, and we usually find that however a person is allowed to treat animals is also the way they feel entitled to treat humans.”

redheart

 

signature copy

Prince Harry’s New Squeeze?

Prince Harry is rumored to have filled the vacancy in his heart that Cressida left with a former Miss Edinburgh, Camilla Thurlow, who has been described as “the life and soul of the party”.  The two were spotted snogging outside of Guy Pelly’s Tonteria and it’s been reported Camilla has been to Prince Harry’s apartment at Kensington Palace twice.

CamillaThurlow

The 25 year-old 5’3″ brunette with hazel eyes has been called a Kate Middleton look-alike.  While I have written many critical things about Kate, even I find that statement cruel.

Camilla stated in her Miss Earth profile, “For me sport dominated my school career, however I was also a member of the school choir and performed in the house play Steel Magnolias.”  She also indicated she loves spending time with her family and possesses a passion for art.

CamillaThurlow2

Could Camilla be the new Waity?  Over-processed brown hair, hazel eyes, check.  Sports background, check.  Interest in the theatre and arts, check.  Strong familial bond, check.  Tragic make-up, check.  Life’s ambition, check please.

Under the Ambitions category on her Miss Earth application Camilla indicated, “I would like to go travelling when I leave university as I missed out on having a gap year… I am also saving up for a volunteer holiday working with sea turtles in Costa Rica which I, and a friend, have been planning for a long time. I would like, one day, to settle down but my main ambition is to always try and enjoy life and get as much out of it as I can and to be happy.”

Fantastic, a girl whose goals involve holidays, traveling and getting the most out of life. OMG, has Kate become a life-coach?

Pictures of Camilla Thurlow are few and far between.  I’m trying to retract the claws on this one but were the other contestants in the Miss Edinburgh pageant livestock?  I tried locating Camilla’s sash/tiara picture but the only photo I could find was this one which to me appears to have been taken in a dorm room with a bathroom as the backdrop.  Always classy.

camillaheadband

Despite working for Princess Diana’s charity, The HALO Trust, for the last year and being rumored to be a friend of Prince Harry bestie, Guy Pelly, Camilla doesn’t strike me as the suitable future duchess-type which almost certainly means she will be the one.

redheartsignature copy

Prince William To Play Pilot

Well, it’s official.  Prince William will be flying rescue helicopters for the East Anglian Air Ambulance beginning in the spring of 2015.

The announcement comes during the month-long holiday William the Reluctant is taking from his year off.  Instead of assuming full-time royal duties in the fall as originally intended when the “transition year” was announced, Prince William will instead begin training for his new position as an air ambulance pilot.  It’s estimated a minimum of five months of training will be required before he can get his pilot’s license.

This new civilian job means the burden of royal engagements for the next couple of years will fall on older members of the royal family who battle health issues.  According to a Telegraph article, in 2013, the Royal Family carried out 1,061 fewer official engagements than in 2012.  In 2013, the Queen, 88, had to cancel engagements while hospitalized for gastroenteritis, her husband, Prince Philip, 93, logged 141 fewer appearances because of abdominal surgery and Princess Alexandra, 77, had to cut her appearances back by 82 because of polymyalgia rheumatic.  As the article noted, “The illnesses of older members of the Royal family will inevitable increase the pressure on the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry to help shoulder more of the workload.”  Well, at least there’s still Prince Harry.  Assuming he doesn’t do something crazy on his thirtieth birthday and wind up in a body cast because he was dropped while crowd-surfing naked hookers.

It’s been reported that Kate Middleton and Prince William will average approximately 40-50 engagements each annually for however many years Prince William wants to play pilot.  The press has been indicating that Prince William’s decision to delay royal duty has the full support of both the Queen and Prince Charles.  You know a decision is bad when a statement has to be made through a source that the Royal Family doesn’t think it’s the worst idea ever.  Methinks the source doth protest too much.

In addition to portraying the petulant prince as being unwilling to accept his birthright, security-wise, this position will be a nightmare for Scotland Yard.  Prince William will be working four days on, four days off, most likely taking the day shift that starts at 7am and gets off at 4:30pm.  Given that the East Anglian presently only has two EC135 T2 aircrafts, it won’t be too difficult to figure out the probability of when the prince will be answering emergency 999 calls.  For various whack-job individuals and groups plotting to do the second-in-line harm, summoning their target would take roughly the same amount of response time as the average Chinese take-out delivery order.

EastAngiianAirAmbulance

The EC135 T2 is a light utility helicopter with a glass cockpit and a maximum takeoff weight of 6,415lbs.  Empty, the craft weighs 3,208 pounds which leaves 3,207 pounds for the pilot, medical crew, patient, and medical equipment.  Unfortunately, the cockpit glass of the EC135 is not bullet proof or bullet resistant, such glass would be prohibitively heavy, leaving the security team with few additional protective measures to ensure the Prince’s safety.

The EC135’s at East Anglian Air Ambulance can accommodate one pilot, 2 HEMS crew and one patient.  So where will Prince William’s security detail sit?  One theory is that his bodyguards are being trained as paramedics so the lifesaving crew that arrives on scene will be Prince William’s protection detail.  The problem with that is his protection detail needs to be focused on the prince and not on the patient, plus I’m assuming people in bad enough shape to require the dispatching of a helicopter will want medical professionals whose certification wasn’t expedited for the pilot’s sake.  I guess they could always strap the patient to one of the rotor blades to leave space inside the craft for Prince William’s security team.

Or perhaps Prince William’s security needs are why East Anglian Air Ambulance will be acquiring a new EC145 T2 helicopter which is very similar to the EC135, just slightly larger.  The new EC145 will accommodate two pilots, three HEMS crew and a patient.  That way Prince William can be trained as a co-pilot first given his insufficient credentials for the job and it’s possible one member of the medical team could be assigned to his personal safety.  Because all normal people have their fantasy jobs magically open up for them in highly skilled professions that require an abundance of training at companies that just happen to be getting multi-million dollar aircrafts that will better accommodate their needs so they can be near their newly renovated country homes they want to escape to because they feel too “watched” in their lavish apartments renovated for millions of taxpayer dollars.

I mean, aren’t we all that lucky?  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I’m offered my dream jobs of Secret Agent, the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, a Muse and Queen of the Universe (hopefully that will happen soon, this whole world domination plot is taking forever).

Of course, Prince William is graciously donating his £40,000 yearly salary to a yet-to-be-named charity.  Maybe he should give it to the taxpayers to whom he still owes £400,000 in RAF training costs by not completing the required six years of service for pilots accepted into the program.  The RAF decided not to bill Prince William for the payback with a source at the Ministry of Defense quoted in the Mirror last year as saying, “If it is somebody using the RAF training to go into a commercial flying career that is very different to somebody transferring to other public duties.”

Wait, so does that mean Prince William will have to repay the £400,000 he owes for bailing early on his RAF duties?

He wants to be normal, after all, so he should be required to pay back the £400,000 to experience one of the joys of being just like everyone else.

redheart

signature copy

 

 

Fresh Out

Appearing tanned and freshly Botoxed, Kate Middleton joined her husband, Prince William, and brother-in-law, Prince Harry, at the Commonwealth Games on Monday.

TryingtoGiveARat'sAss

Kate wore her “sporting outfit” of jeggings, Stuart Weitzman Corkswoon Wedges and navy jacket with gold buttons.

UnabletoGiveaRat'sAssTryAgainLater

Hmm, after discovering I’m unable to give a rat’s ass, I checked storage and apparently I’m also fresh out of fucks to give.  Both regular and flying.  I must have used up the last one when it took two princes and a duchess to cut the Tour de France ribbon on July 5th.

I’m unsure when I’ll be getting in a new shipment so I bid you adieu with my love, which I have in great abundance.

redheart

signature copy