Tag Archives: the Queen

Blue Monday-Busting BRF

According to a quasi-scientific  study released back in 2005, the third Monday of January is the most  depressing day of the year.  Despite the questionable criteria used  to determine the calendar’s biggest bummer, it’s not that big of a stretch.   Fully detoxed from holiday highs and doggie-paddling in the dashed optimism of New Year’s Resolutions,  those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are at the peak of winter dreariness, dreading the walk to the mailbox in  the cold barren grey stillness for credit card statements made thicker by holiday shopping.

Fortunately, the British Royal Family is maintaining a high  level of ridiculousness to distract us from  short days, wind chill factors and the ho ho humdrum of January.

On Friday, an announcement was made that Kate Middleton will be serving as Guest Editor for Huffington Post UK for a day in February.

Kensington Palace released a statement saying:

“The Duchess of Cambridge has made the mental health of young people a key focus of her work in recent years. She is delighted that The Huffington Post will help put a spotlight on this important issue.

The duchess will be commissioning contributions from a number of leading figures in the mental health sector as well as from young people, parents, and teachers.”

Royal correspondents were  Twitterly  unamused.

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In addition to running the same kind of pap pics that make Prince William threaten to huff and puff and blow  the house down, Huffington  Post UK hasn’t always treated the Cambridges in a dignified manner, recently insinuating that Kate confused royal semen with hair gel to achieve Something About Mary sperm hair.

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Huffington Post seems to spend an inordinate amount  of time pondering royal trouser trout.

Following the birth of Prince George, the  US version of Huffington Post speculated that the 150-year-old tradition of circumcising British  royals ended with Prince William and Prince Harry whose foreskin was not removed due to Princess Diana’s wishes and surmised that  Prince George’s royal scepter would remain intact.  Going one step further, Huffington Post UK declared the idea of a circumcision total tosh, accusing  circumcision-happy Americans for starting the rumor.  Sure, blame the Americans, everyone knows the  Declaration of Independence originally included “life, liberty, pursuit of happiness and freedom of foreskin” but had to be modified because the signers couldn’t keep a straight face adding their signatures below the president of Congress’ enormous Hancock.

Without doing any in-depth  research on the matter, the Huffington Post still found it necessary to discuss  princely staffs.  One of the readers here will just have to sleep with Prince Harry to put at least one rumor to bed.  It’s quite possible that Prince William and Prince Harry are both circumcised,  at least going by the old photos of Prince William taking a  leak on a polo field back in 2008 (photos of are not suitable for viewing at work, while eating, after eating  or if in general the very thought of Prince William makes your vagina dry-heave).  Theoretically, Prince William could have been pushing his foreskin back with his fingers, but at least to me the rounded blur looks a professionally trimmed helmet on William’s little Flight Lieutenant.  Did anyone else just throw up a little in their mouth and/or underwear?

While Kate having the Huffington Post swing by Kensington Palace  for a day  is for an important cause, many are left wondering exactly how this came about.

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Or why, especially considering the couple has been seeking to bypass the loathsome media completely with announcements and official royal baby portraits released directly on the @KensingtonRoyal  Twitter account.  As royal photographer, James Whatling pointed out, perhaps the Cambridges wouldn’t mind the media as long as they completely controlled it.

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Within reason, of course.

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Perhaps it’s all an elaborate ruse to get Pippa’s CV to Huffington Post since poor Kate is swamped according to a Daily Mail article that ran over the weekend with Kate being the Second Coming of Diana and all.  According to the article,  Kate has been undertaking secret charity visits like her deceased mother-in-law.  I wonder if the Daily Mail knows that Peter Jones is not a charity.   The article notes, “As a result she has ordered aides to fill her diary for 2016 and is keen to demonstrate an increased commitment to the charity sector.”

Maybe Kate  is keeping  these visits such a secret that even those she’s visiting don’t even know she’s there, maybe the children think she’s some kind of  fidgety mop boogyman lurking in the shadows. Considering that Buckingham Palace padded Kate’s 2015 numbers to get her up to 62 engagements for the year, including her tour of the set of  Downton  Abbey, the birth of Charlotte  and Charlotte’s private christening in the total, I am skeptical of any report that Kate is secretly doing work for which she’s not getting credit.

Last year Kate’s engagement total accounted only for 1.66% of the entire British Royal Family’s workload.  In 2014, she performed 2.23% of the royal family’s duties. Does anyone really expect us to believe that Kate is keen  on anything other than shopping?  And as for “filling up her calendar”, Kate has yet to have a  single event appear in the Court Circular for this year so clearly her calendar  is not filled considering we’re already three weeks into 2016 and her last engagement was on December 16, 2015.  That’s a five week break  from duties, so she’s not exactly hitting the ground running.

In other leg-pulling royal news, the Queen’s  eldest grandson, Peter Phillips, is organizing a celebration in the Mall for the 628 charities of which Her Majesty is Patron in honor of the monarch’s 90th birthday.   Tickets will run the Queen’s charities £1,500 for a table of 10 people but the charities are permitted to sell up to  40% of their tickets out of consideration for the burden of the cost on these non-for-profit organizations, some of which are very small. Otherwise it  would be tacky for a hostess to ask foundations barely scraping by to absorb the whole cost of going to her birthday party, at the very least, people who  aren’t involved with the charity at all should have the opportunity to go instead of those who tirelessly devote themselves to their respective causes for little or no pay. This idea could really catch on in event planning, I can see wedding guests  lining up at vending  machines punching  the appropriate button for chicken or fish and baby showers with a cover charge and two drink minimum,  the  fetus’ cost can be deducted from his or her college fund once the little tyke is born.  Peter Phillips insists nepotism  had  nothing  to with his company, Sports and Entertainment Limited, being the one  selected to organize  the event  for which he  is receiving an undisclosed sum.   The Queen’s grandson declared, “I was very conscious to make sure we did this properly, so we went through the normal channels of approaching the Palace. We had to show that this wasn’t a case of trying to cut corners because the Queen happens to be my grandmother.”

The fact that Sports and Entertainment Limited was selected to plan Her Majesty’s  90th birthday bash I’m  sure had nothing to do at all with Peter Phillips’ royal family ties, just like I’m sure it was simply a coincidence that Peter Phillips’ company Sports and Entertainment  Limited was the one that brokered the £150,000 deal to sell the first photos of Zara’s daughter, Mia, to Hello! magazine.

It’s rather unseemly to sell  tickets  to this  event, the Queen’s 90th birthday isn’t a concert.  She’s the Head of State, not Adele.   Unless Her Majesty, Prince Philip and  Prince Charles are going to put on wigs, cat ears and leopard leotards and perform as a Josie and the Pussycats tribute band, I can’t imagine paying to be part of someone’s birthday celebration.

Richard Palmer’s Twitter page has been a goldmine  of  disenchantment in recent days.  One of his latest blows was an Express article about Norfolk Country Houses From The Air  for  sale at the Sandringham gift shop containing commissioned aerial photographs of Sandringham and Anmer Hall.  The book  contains the very types of photos  that Prince William  crusaded against, petitioning to have Anmer Hall declared a no-fly zone.  I guess it’s only a privacy violation  if you’re not getting  paid.

The entertainment value of the ridiculous antics of the British Royal Family  have helped a  bit with my winter blues.   And here I thought all January would have to offer was the return of the X-files on Sunday.

The truth is out there and so is this underground  video of Bree Sharp’s David Duchovny which is a festival of 90s nostalgia. If you didn’t  get at least a bit of chuckle from those silly British royals, perhaps  this video will push you  a  bit further out of the Blue Zone.   It was made by members of the X-files crew  and shown at their holiday party. Because of the multitude of celebrity cameos, some of which were  shot on the sets of other shows on the  same  lot, it could never  be officially released.

Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wijp4-3giNw

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Kate Middleton’s Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday.  According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.

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Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him.  Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services.  Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.

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Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve  and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy.  Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.

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The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.

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The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.

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Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.

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Likely, Pippa’s fur hat was borrowed from Kate since Pippa’s skinned animal corpse cranium cap resembles a microphone windshield.

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Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.

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Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck.  I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.

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Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen.  At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.

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When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally.  Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all.  Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.KateStPatrick'sDay2013

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.

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After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died.  According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end.  Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.

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Underwhelming Royal Response to Underwater UK

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
-Sam Ewing, Professional Baseball Player

In December, the UK experienced record-breaking rainfall making it the wettest month in the over hundred years since weather data has been kept. The amount of precipitation has had devastating effects on areas throughout the UK.  In December, more than 16,000 homes in England were flooded, roads collapsed and bridges were obliterated, with Cumbria, Lancashire and Yorkshire the hardest hit.

During the severe weather that besieged the UK, while elected officials played dodgeball with blame and tried to convince citizens that amongst the looming storm clouds, silver linings were somewhere nestled, the response from the unelected royals was for the most part underwhelming.

On December 8th, in the aftermath of Storm Desmond, the Queen stated, “Please convey my sympathy to all those whose homes or livelihoods have been affected by the recent flooding. My thanks got to members of the emergency services, local authorities, military personnel and volunteers who are providing assistance in these difficult conditions.”  Her Majesty is 89 and the Head of State so it’s not like she was going to slip on a pair of Wellies and help residents drag their soaked moldy couches to the curb, but she’s worth about $500 million, maybe she could have sent a few hampers full of snacks so business owners picking through the wreckage of their livelihoods could have a little something to nibble on or perhaps had some bottles of whisky sent over from Balmoral, people who have had everything they own destroyed often appreciate a nip.

One thing I could never understand about members of the British Royal Family is why they always get gifts at engagements, even when visiting areas that have suffered total devastation.  People who have been through horrible tragedies and are trying to scrape the pieces of their lives back together give the unbelievably privileged royals presents as a thank you for their presence.  It’s bizarre.  I’d make for a terrible royal, I would be up all night baking cookies as a little pick-me-up for those who have been through hell, putting together care packages for people whose lives have been ripped apart because I was taught that as a guest, you should never arrive empty-handed.  Shouldn’t the royals be the ones bearing gifts?

Prince Charles is really the only royal who stepped up to help those whose homes and businesses were hit by the flooding.  He responded to the destruction by Storm Desmond in Cumbria by making a personal donation of an undisclosed sum and allocating £40,000 from the Prince’s Countryside Fund to help with the recovery while the Business Emergency Resilience Group set up by Prince Charles provided aid to impacted businesses.  On December 21st, Prince Charles visited afflicted areas of Cumbria.  On New Year’s Eve Prince Charles’ wife Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, became the second working royal to visit the affected regions when she accompanied her husband on a surprise visit to Ballater in Aberdeenshire which had been battered by Storm Frank which caused River Dee to burst its banks.  Prince Charles walked around, expressing his concern to flood victims, but according to resident Dawn Rennie, “drew the line at helping with the mopping up!”

Not that anyone expected Prince Charles to be pushing around a pole with a fibered head around, that’s totally his son’s thing.  Prince Charles did something pretty royally amazing, though, he had the cooks at his Birkhall estate prepare meals for some local residents who had to be evacuated from their homes.  Okay, so he directed people who worked for him to cook for flood victims, but in Royal World these days, that’s practically the equivalent of giving a stranger a kidney.

So where were the rest of the royals?  Well, Prince William was spotted pheasant hunting on New Year’s Day in Norfolk.  Prince Edward, Sophie, and their two children were photographed out on a pheasant hunt a couple of days later.  Apparently the Windsors just didn’t get in enough bloodsport in at the traditional Boxing Day Pheasant Hunt.  If you ever feel in need of being super-bummed out about the cruel realities of these pheasant hunts complete with a story of nearby children being psychologically scarred by one of Prince Philip’s shooting parties, here’s a grim glimpse into the royal bloodsport: http://animalaid.org.uk/h/n/NEWS/news_shooting/ALL/811//

The worst of the floods hit Yorkshire on Boxing Day when Prince Andrew would have been busy killing pheasant and probably unbuttoning his pants after a large meal or just because he’s gross.  But somewhere  along the way someone remembered that Prince Andrew was the Duke of York so a statement was released on December 28th, “I am sorry to hear about the severe flooding across Yorkshire and the devastating impact it is having on so many homes and businesses.  My thoughts are with everyone in Yorkshire that is affected at this time.”  By that time, biker clubs were in Yorkshire guarding evacuated homes and businesses which were being targeted by looters but I’m sure Prince Andrew’s message super-helped out, too.

On January 6th, the 82-year-old Duchess of Kent who is retired from royal duty save for the very rare event and prefers to go by Katharine Kent while she does her charity work quietly and without fuss made a private visit to York.  Before the Duke of York.  But the widely criticized Prince Andrew made his way up there yesterday, talked to some flood victims, did some pointing, and had his umbrella held for him. As the Daily Mail pointed out, the picture of Andrew having his umbrella held for him  was posted by him on his own Twitter account.  Hopefully the roasting he is getting for being too important to hold his own umbrella at least helped to dry out some of Yorkshire.

Unfortunately overnight,  Aberdeenshire got another wave of flooding with River Don bursting its banks.

It’s just too bad that William and Kate are the types of characters who don’t turn up at all.  Their totally sucking might just absorb some of this water, the UK’s had enough.

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Remembrance Sunday

Sunday November 8th was Remembrance Day in the UK, a solemn day honoring the sacrifices of war and those who have fallen in current and past conflicts including the First and Second World Wars.

This year, the British Royal Family was joined by King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima in commemoration of the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands from Nazi occupation.  King Willem-Alexander participated in the wreath-laying ceremony at the Cenotaph in Whitehall while Queen Maxima joined Kate Middleton, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office balcony to watch the service.

Because Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is presently on a tour of New Zealand and Australia with Prince Charles, Kate was the most senior  member of the British Royal Family this year on the balcony.  Many royal watchers wondered how Kate would fare in the presence of the dynamic, intelligent, regal, quadrilingual, and accomplished Queen Maxima, especially considering Kate has struggled with event-appropriate demeanor since joining  the British Royal Family.

The Neverland Duchess wore Alexander McQueen for her balcony appearance with the Netherlands Queen.

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Kate’s ill-fitting Alexander McQueen coat  was bespoke.   Once  again Kate’s bespoke has left me bespeechless.  I’m baffled how clothing custom-made according to Kate’s measurements and tailored to her body could wind up  looking like it was picked up from an irregulars bin at a flea market.  London is world-renowned for its tailoring, it actually has famous tailors.  One was even awarded the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire for services to tailoring.  So why does Kate keep winding up with couture that looks like a Home  Ec assignment gone horribly wrong?

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The only way this would vaguely even make sense is if she had scuba gear on under her coat because she and William were planning on jetting off to Mustique immediately after the service.

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Caribbean happy thoughts might explain why Kate kept closing her eyes during the Remembrance Sunday service… her face probably looks a bit different when she closes her eyes and thinks of England.  Kate’s next scheduled event isn’t until the 17th and the Cambridges were rumored to be Mustique-bound in November.

Perhaps thoughts of flight were behind the butterfly fascinator which resembled cat ears, calling to mind the bunny ear pillbox hat of last year’s Anzac Day.

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Groucho Marx said, “Humor is reason gone mad.”  I can  only assume Kate’s brows were intended to lighten the mood.

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With cracks visible in Kate’s facade,  many wondered how she would hold up as the most senior role alongside the much loved and larger-than-life Queen Maxima, given her past  widely criticized appearances on Remembrance Sunday.

In 2011, Kate joined Camilla, Sophie and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office Balcony, visibly enjoying being royal on a balcony.  A festive Kate smiled and laughed,  played with her hair, made  faces, seemingly not grasping that most people view war and death with sadness.

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Kate’s crack-ups  proved infectious and the normally restrained Sophie lost her composure when Camilla suddenly disappeared from view.  One was not amused.  The following year the Queen appointed her Lady in Waiting, Lady Susan Hussey to the balcony.

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Under the watchful eye of Lady Susan Hussey, the royals scarcely dared to blink.  Kate behaved to the best of her abilities.

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Without the  adult supervision of Lady Susan Hussey in 2013, all of Kate’s pent-up crazy from the previous year’s Remembrance Sunday manifested in a flirty hair-twirling lark for the duchess who thought perhaps others might not be so bummed about lost loved ones if her hair looked pretty enough.

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In 2014, Kate and Sophie showed up in nearly identical  coats which seemed to have a sobering effect on Kate who was less expressive and exuberant than the previous year.

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With the exception of her curiously closed eyes, Groucho Marx brows and questionable headgear, I think Kate did a good job this year on the balcony, but honestly it’s becoming more difficult to tell with diminished expectation.  Kate didn’t burst out laughing during the service honoring fallen servicemen and servicewomen, she didn’t flash anyone or spend an inordinate amount of time checking her extensions or searching her hair for Drops of Jupiter, she didn’t spin around really fast with her arms outspread to see if she could turn into Wonder Woman and she didn’t try to start a Mexican wave on the Foreign Office Balcony.  And maybe  the Catwoman headgear is a positive sign.

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Sure, at first the Queen  might be resistant to Catwoman Catherine  but Kate’s only other career aspiration is inherently flawed.

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No Order in Kate’s Court

Our Fair Waity is all grown up and has attended her very first state banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping.  Despite speculation to the contrary, it looks like after four and a half years of marriage and producing the heir and spare, Kate Middleton still hasn’t been awarded an order by Her Majesty.  No Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, an honor bestowed on female members of the British Royal Family by Her Majesty.

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Current members of the British Royal Family who have the Royal Family Order are Princess Anne, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Princess Alexandra, Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester and Katharine, Duchess of Kent.  I guess even the Queen still thinks of the Duchess as Kate Middleton.

Kate’s third tiara event was a repeat of the Papyrus Lotus Flower tiara and the diamond drop earrings she paired with the tiara at the 2013 Annual Diplomat’s Reception.  With an Art Deco bracelet and diamond bangle on loan from the Queen, Kate wore a bespoke red Jenny Packham gown to the state banquet.

Just like in 2013, the paparazzi captured the Backseat Bentley Pre-Event Reveal.

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And Kate looked every inch the natural beauty that she is.

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Some plastic surgeons believe Kate has had more than one nose job. Hopefully Kate lays off of any further tweaking, the tip of her nose is starting to look like a butt.

On her way into the banquet held at Buckingham Palace, Kate did her signature crotch clutch move, engaging her escort, Wang Huning, in delightful disconnected silence.

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Not only does Kate struggle with giving speeches, she apparently struggles with listening to them as well.

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Kate was seated at the top table with the evening’s guests of honor.

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The future Queen Consort was partially obscured by a large candelabrum which I’m sure is entirely coincidental and not any kind of attempt to camouflage any potential gaffes made by the Duchess of Cambridge.

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Princess Charlotte’s Christening

On Sunday July 5th, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was christened at St. Mary Magdalene church where her grandmother, the late Princess Diana, was baptized in 1961.

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Dressed in the traditional royal christening gown, the 2008 replica made by Angela Kelly of the 1841 christening gown which had been worn by approximately sixty royal babies until it started disintegrating into lace dust, Princess Charlotte was brought to the church in a vintage pram borrowed from the Queen.  The pram had been used to bring Charles to his christening in 1948.

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Baptismal water was obtained from the Jordan River while the Lily Font which also dates back to the 1841 baptism of Victoria, Princess Royal, and the silver ewer from the 1735 christening of George III were brought to the Sandringham church from the Tower of London for Princess Charlotte’s christening.  Special cases had to be designed to transport the ewer and font because they had never left London before.  It was one of the few firsts for the second-born princess.  In fact, other than a selection of five non-royal godparents and a guest list pared down to a mere twenty-two attendees at the private ceremony, the kind of affront to royal etiquette the Cambridges have made the hallmark of their vision of a modern monarchy, the christening of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was otherwise frozen in time. The christening, intended to honor the late Princess Diana, also appeared to be an attempt to summon her ghost.

Replicating a moment from Princess Diana’s life, Prince George was dressed as the sartorial doppelgänger of his father, Prince William, when visiting his mother and brand new brother Harry at the hospital.

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This isn’t the first time in recent weeks that Kate has dressed George in clothing identical to outfits the late Princess Diana selected for her own son.  Even if this started off as Kate wanting to please William by paying homage to his late mother, Kate appears to have veered off course and taken up residency in Creepytown which she is probably already redecorating.  Not only is the call coming from inside the house, it’s being made with a Ouija board.

While Kate has on many occasions referenced her late mother-in-law through fashion, the royal whose clothing she copied at Princess Charlotte’s christening was herself circa George’s christening.  At George’s christening, Kate and her sister Pippa appeared to match their cream-colored outfits to George’s christening gown in an attempt to reinforce their status within the British Royal Family.  At Charlotte’s christening, Kate once again went with a monochromatic christening combo of Alexander McQueen and a Jane Taylor hat, this time accessorizing with two matching Middletons.  Dressed in haunting ivory, the Middleton women formed a ghostly trio, spectral incarnations of MacBeth’s Weird Sisters with clutch bag cauldrons, ready to call forth the apparition of Diana.

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The Royal Mint coin commemorating Charlotte’s christening, the design for which William and Kate oversaw, included both her middle names and two of the flowers Diana loved most, roses and lilies.

charlotte&georgechristeningcoinsFrom the hiring of Princess Diana’s favorite photographer, Mario Testino, who took the last portraits that Diana ever sat for as the christening’s official photographer, to the selection of Diana’s niece as one of Charlotte’s five godparents, the christening celebration felt more like it drew inspiration from Tobin’s Spirit Guide and the Handbook for the Recently Deceased than it did from little sister Pippa’s Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends.  Even Nanny Maria in her Norland uniform had the unsettling appearance of an old sepia-toned photograph come to life using one of the spells in the arsenal of the Weird Sisters.

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It’s natural to want to make a gesture that honors the memory of a loved one who has passed in an important milestone event, it’s a way of including them.  It’s a delicate balance, though, paying homage to a lost loved one should always be done in a way that is also respectful to the living.  We have memorial services and funerals for the dead, christenings are celebrations of new life.  Lost loved ones are already a part of our joyous celebration because those who we love become a part of us, that bond can not be broken by death.

Many of those who believe in life after death have had moments where they feel as if someone they lost was with them somehow, often this happens around the holidays or other important times in their lives.   Spirits are just people without earthly shells, they are drawn to milestone celebrations like marriages and christenings to spend tie with their families as they would have in life, no engraved invitation or breadcrumb trail of mementos required.

Two and a half years ago at a christening held at St Martin’s Church in Canterbury, Kent, an unexpected guest was spotted in one of the baptism photos the Sewell family posted on Facebook, a ghostly apparition who bore a striking resemblance to the baptized baby’s grandfather who had committed suicide seventeen years earlier.  Terry Sewell’s widow, Heather, told the press, “It looks very much like Terry. I know there has been no photo trickery so it is all very spooky and perhaps not what you want to see at a Christening.”

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While maybe not everyone is thrilled to have their departed loved ones show up in the christening photos, I kind of think that if Princess Diana appears in any of the pics taken by Mario Testino, the Middletons would be cool with it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Carole would make it her Christmas card.

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Prince Grumpy Cat and The Whirly Bird Mystery (Updated)

A few days ago on Royal Dish, I spotted a pic of a Star Magazine story of George saying goodbye to his uncle Harry on his way to work which Noodlesza posted.  Hi, Temi!

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Except conveniently, Prince Harry is not pictured in any of the photos.  Since at the moment it’s raining the kind of giant heavy drops that make you feel like you’re being slapped in the head in NYC, I decided to apply my sleuthing skills to the Star magazine story.

The helicopter in the paparazzi photos is an AgustaWestland A109S.  The registration number visible on the craft G-XXEC is the same one as the helicopter the Queen leased last year for official engagements for William and Kate and other members of the British Royal Family if needed.  Official engagements, the kind that show up the Court Circular as evidence the British Royal Family is providing “value for money”.  This is the story the Daily Mail ran on the helicopter acquisition:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2664338/Heir-Force-One-Queen-leases-luxury-8million-helicopter-fly-Wills-Kate-official-engagements.html

The Star photos of George, Nanny Maria and Lupo supposedly on their way to see an invisible Prince Harry were taken on June 12, 2015 when Harry was still in the army, he had no official engagements that day.  If Harry was being picked up for some reason for just another day of looking sexy in uniform and other military duties, it wouldn’t be in the AgustaWestland A109S G-XXEC for official engagements, it would be in a military craft.  Military work doesn’t count as official royal work in the eyes of the official royal number keepers.

So who was George going to see in the photo?  When Prince Charles flies, he uses the Queen’s Sikorsky S-76C++ registration number G-XXEB, so it wasn’t grandpa.

PrinceCharlesheli

Jinkies!  It looks like we’ve got a real mystery on our hands, Gang.   Who is in the AgustaWestland whirly bird the adorable Prince Grumpy Cat is headed for in the Star magazine photos?  The real Captain Cutler covered with phosphorescent seaweed pretending to be the g-g-g-g-g-ghost of Captain Cutler?  Was it the creepy caretaker all along?

For possible suspects, I looked to the Court Circular.  Her Majesty was quite active on June 12, 2015 at Buckingham Palace, as was Prince Charles.  The Earl of Wessex, The Princess Royal and the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all had local engagements as well.

Zoinks!  No one needed an official whirly bird for an official engagement and there were no other engagements that day.

So, unless there was some misappropriation of Duchy money, then it had to be Prince William returning home from his June 11, 2015 speech at a special fundraising dinner for Jewish Care.  Another very expensive heli ride for William the Reluctant a couple of days before his $25,000 Magna Carta whirly bird whirl when the ceilings at Buckingham Palace are falling down?

And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

Ruh-roh.

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Update 6/28/14.  Photos emerged with Harry which isn’t fantastic for the British Royal Family, especially considering the Royal Household Annual Accounts just came out.  The helicopter is for official engagements, Harry had none on June 12th (the date the photos were taken could be in question, Star magazine indicated they were taken the 12th, but if they were really taken on the 11th, then Prince Harry had the Afghanistan Memorial).  As delicious as Prince Harry looks in uniform, there still needs to be accountability.  Of course, Prince Harry could have been just there, the helicopter could have been used by William for his Jewish Care event, but this really needs to be investigated further.  If Harry did borrow the helicopter for a personal visit to see his nephew, then he needs to be formally reprimanded.  By me.  In leather.  And he would have to wear that uniform.  That is just how committed I am to the UK taxpayers.

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British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

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Lack of Sartorial Variety at Royal Variety Performance

On Thursday night, Kate Middleton and Prince William attended The Royal Variety Performance.

KateRVP

And she didn’t wear the black lace Alice Temperley.  Instead she wore black lace Diane Von Furstenberg. This is one of Kate’s best looks to date and yet, it falls a little flat.

Don’t get me wrong, she looks lovely.  But she is a beautiful thirty-two year-old woman with nearly limitless resources who could have looked spectacular.

Due to the thrice-repeated Alice Temperly dress, we’ve seen her in floor-length black lace.

KateBlackLaceAliceTemperleyWe’ve also seen that neckline before.

KateLaceMcQueen

We’ve even seen it with three quarter lace sleeves.

KateLaceNecklineThis is Kate’s first time representing Her Majesty at The Royal Variety Show.  And she chose the color black which Queen Elizabeth very rarely wears.  Her Majesty believes the monarchy should be visual representations of blossoming hope for the future.  The future that Kate is representing photographs flatly.

In 1962, this is what the then 36 year-old monarch wore to the Royal Variety Performance.

queen1962I’m not a fan of fur, but it was a different time.  Queen Elizabeth looks breathtaking.

Granted, Kate is a duchess married to the second-in-line to the throne and not the reigning queen, but she could have evoked the same kind of glamorous regal grandeur without overstepping her position.

Tonight’s accessories and make-up are unmemorable.

KateCloseUpRVP

Kate’s gone with an ever-so-slightly darker version of her smoky-eye and nude lip day make-up which she never strays from despite a self-professed love of make-up.  The earrings are blue topaz circles with diamond accents designed by Kiki McDonough which she’s worn before at a Creative Industries reception and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert.  They are pretty, but certainly not spectacular.  Blue topaz is a semi-precious stone that tends to disappear on skin, the understated design makes these earrings more suitable for an awards luncheon.  From beneath her hem peaked black platform Jimmy Choos as she clutched a black beaded evening bag to her favorite resting spot, no nailpolish to even brighten up her crotch clutching, her hair the same loose chignon that has become one of the very few up-do’s she wears.

Kate’s look this evening is merely slight variations on other looks we’ve seen before.

It’s said that the Royal Variety Show is the least favorite event on the Royal Family’s official calendar, Prince Charles and Camilla have attended on the Queen’s behalf in recent years.  Last year Camilla wore custom Vivienne Westwood gown and a sapphire brooch converted into a pendant.

CamillaRoyalVarietyPerformance2013

That necklace was not on loan from the Queen, but Camilla has on many occasions worn some of Her Majesty’s spectacular jewels, including major pieces such as the Boucheron tiara, the Delhi Durbar Tiara, the Collet Coronation Necklace, and the Greville Diamond Necklace.  To date, Kate has only been lent four pieces: the Cartier Halo Tiara on her wedding day, The Maple Leaf Brooch for the Canada tour, the Nizam of Hyderabad Necklace for the National Gallery Portrait Event earlier this year and the Fern Brooch for the New Zealand tour.  I was curious to see if The Queen would loan Kate any pieces for her first Royal Variety Performance, it would have been the perfect opportunity to dispel some of the swirling rumors that Kate is feuding with the Queen over her work ethic and that the marriage of Kate and Prince William is on shaky ground.  I wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t.  Maybe the Queen was just concerned she wouldn’t get one of the priceless pieces back in case Kate scampered directly back to Bucklebury and feared it would wind up on Pippa demonstrating the perfect keg stand on The Today Show.

So far I’m not impressed with stylist/assistant Natasha Archer’s choices for Kate, if she was involved at all with this look.  Kate looked beautiful but underwhelming.

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