Most people associate the Fountain of Youth with sixteenth century explorer Ponce de Leon. The legends of springs possessing restorative powers date as far back as 400 BC. Ponce de Leon was in search of the mythical land of Bimini when he stumbled upon Florida. According to Historia General y Natural de las Indias 1535, what Ponce de Leon was really searching for before he hit our most phallic looking state was Bimini’s impotence-curing water. Whether or not Ponce de Leon was having problems hoisting his flag (almost went with the seacock joke but the hoisting of the flag by Spanish ships actually has historical relevance), if it were not for his discovery of Florida in 1513, Spain wouldn’t have had it to trade to Great Britain for the release of Havana and then maybe Florida wouldn’t have good Spanish food and cool pubs for my friend Lise and her husband today. There’s actually no real evidence to support Ponce de Leon was searching for the Fountain of Youth. What make the story interesting is that it is filled with as many confused facts and misguided attempts as the quest for recapturing youth is today.
Despite the fact that I love that Florida might have been discovered by a man in search of a good boner and I never really get to say seacock enough, the direction I’m really heading with this that all water does have restorative properties, it’s a simple way to look and feel younger. The legend of Ponce de Leon searching the world for something he had all along isn’t the only time in history that’s happened with a man. Wow, still a little bitter after all these years. Good to know.
We live in a youth-obsessed culture, I don’t think that comes as a shock to anyone. Women have their faces lifted, lasered, peeled and injected, some spend hundreds of dollars for a bottle of moisturizer and *gross alert*, even drink urine. Vomit. Ultimately whatever a girl can stomach to make her feel more beautiful, she should go for it if that’s what she wants. The one thing I think is important, though, is that a woman should only do these things for herself, no one else. Not a husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend. Not to not to look less Crypt Keeperish next to the new perky little twenty-two year old intern, not because there’s a class reunion coming up, and not because someone else did it. Beauty really is just being comfortable with yourself because there’s nothing sexier than confidence, if you believe you are the most beautiful woman in the room, you will be.
Not all attempts to look younger need to be drastic or expensive. Ultimately, how your skin ages is genetic. There’s a reason why all of the women in my family lie about their age, we can get away with it. Don’t hate me because I won’t have to worry about crows feet until I’m fifty, I got genetically shafted in other areas. But like any other woman, I’m always looking for ways to turn back the clock even a little more. Here are some basic non-evasive ways to cheat age a bit:
1. Water. Regular spring water is fine. Our bodies are 60 percent water and it’s happy when we replenish it with more. 64 oz daily flushes out toxins. Skin cells are organisms, and all of our bodies’ organisms need water. Keeping them hydrated keeps them happy and happy cells don’t wrinkle.
2. Sex. And I’m not just saying that because I’ve got seacocks on the brain. Sex increases a woman’s collagen levels and collagen makes skin more youthful. It also produces more estrogen which makes hair healthier and shinier. And of course it releases endorphins which are the body’s natural wonder drug… endorphins reduce physical and emotional pain and most importantly, you don’t have to worry what it’s cut with and it’s nearly impossible to overdose on endorphins. Pain ages people. I’ve got back problems and today the pain is a little worse than what I normally deal with. Earlier I passed a mirror and noticed I was hunched over like Father Time. My face always looks a little ashen when I’m in extreme pain. The word “endorphin” literally means inner morphine.
3. A white smile. I actually didn’t believe it until I had my teeth whitened a while back… my OCD draws me to anything involving bleaching which is why I tried it. It makes sense, though. As we age, things like coffee, wine, blueberries, cherries, and countless other things we consume yellow our teeth. Younger people don’t have that stain build-up. That first whitening made me look and feel younger. All of the equipment that was used was a little Silence of the Lambs and it wasn’t cheap. Fortunately, it’s much less expensive to whiten nowadays and you aren’t tempted to ask anyone if the lambs have stopped screaming yet. There is one product line with which I’m obsessed called IntelliWhite. The Pout and Polish pen is great to carry with you in case you have a spontaneous rendez-vous and ate tunafish for lunch. You use the polish pen to erase that tunafish furry film from your teeth and the lipgloss on the other side makes your lips kissably minty as well. The Pro White Professional Whitening Duo from the line is also phenomenal. You have to brush your teeth anyway and it’s an effortless way to a brighter smile. The entire product line is great because it’s invented by a woman who understands what women want. You can check it out at http://www.rxbright.com/index.php?cPath=65
4. Anti-aging products. Do you know what always beats out those ridiculously expensive anti-aging products in product studies? Oil of Olay. The stuff our grandmothers use. I follow these studies just in case anything new that’s magical comes out, but to date the winner is always Oil of Olay. If it feels weird you aren’t getting ripped off for the most effective products, go to a movie and hit the concession stand. You’ll be broke before the previews. Or take the money you saved and donate it to your favorite charity.
5. Play like you did when you were a kid. I have a pretty serious Peter Pan complex and have concluded that spending part of your time in Neverland slows down the aging process. I wholeheartedly believe that adults should play. Think about it, when you were a kid, you would probably ride your bike until the sun came down, maybe you had a hula hoop or a basketball net, would go exploring, swim or at least run through the sprinkler, all of which burned loads of calories and didn’t feel like working out at all. The term “working out” has “work” right at the front of it. That’s why I started going to the batting cages. It’s exercise that feels like playing. Exercise always gives your skin an extra boost and when it doesn’t feel like exercise you’re more willing to do it. I don’t have an inner child, I have an outer adult. I think it’s important not to get sucked into all the stresses of adulthood. If you don’t take yourself too seriously, you don’t get those little frowny lines. Childhood was a happy time for most people and when you connect with that and celebrate it, it’s a fun little endorphin party. Earlier I took a trip to Imaginationland because my tv remote isn’t working. First I tried to telekinetically turn it on because it’s always possible I suddenly developed superhero powers, that’s why I always randomly check. Judging by the size of the moths lately, there definitely could be some kind of radioactive action going on around here. Shockingly my telekinetic attempt didn’t work. Then I tried to figure out if I could craft a long stick out of anything near my bed that I could use to hit the power button which as it turns out I could but it would have involved damaging some pretty expensive stuff and my outer adult can be a buzz kill sometimes. Then I tried to think if anyone had the keys to my apartment who I could summon over but no one does so I just turned on the tv in my head and started to picture Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus starting a bar fight but that ended quickly because apparently Mr. Snuffleupagus has a lot of pent up rage from all of the years of never being seen and he’s pretty bad-ass with whipping a broken beer bottle around in his trunk. Then I started to imagine which Sesame Street characters would win one-on-one fights. Obviously Ernie over Bert. Anybody who spends that much time in the tub with a rubber duckie is just mentally off enough to fight creatively. Definitely the Cookie Monster over Elmo because people with serious addictions like the chocolate chip monkey on Cookie Monster’s back get surges of adrenaline when they are in need of a fix. Plus Elmo is really ticklish, one brush with Cookie Monster’s blue fur and he’d be down in giggle fit. Then I started pitting Muppet against Sesame Street character and Miss Piggy just had too much of a weight advantage over Abby Cadabby and broke her wand before Abby could go all fairy on her. Sadly Animal and the Count were next and it was hard to see my two puppet crushes go at each other like that. Drummers have a freakish amount of upper body strength and the Count was down for the one, two, three ah ah ah count. Most people don’t know that the Count has a very sensitive side. He’s a lover not a fighter. So that’s my most significant contribution to the world at the moment. The only vaguely adult thing I did was momentarily wonder why I smelled like Elmer’s glue and decide I didn’t care. Frivolous days like that remind us of our carefree youth. They rejuvenate the soul. Without the inside taken care of, it doesn’t matter what you do to the outside, our souls are our life force and that’s what makes us beautiful and youthful. That’s the best make-over tip anyone can give.