I think I’ve reached a perfect storm of frustration. Yesterday Matt Lauer and Piers Morgan both interviewed convicted felon, Michael Vick, and were oblivious to his remorseless body language, lapping up every word of a man who states in his new book that he’s good at lying with a straight face. If Vick proclaimed he was Batman, they’d probably ask how tall The Penguin really was. If it weren’t for the Facebook “Boycott Modell’s and Michael Vick” group also wondering why the questions were spun sugar, I probably would be playing with invisible balls of yarn right now.
As I was steaming from the Piers Morgan interview, I flipped the channel and saw a story about a woman who was stabbed by a homeless man. I’m 99.99% certain (I’m leaving the %.01 percent for the remote possibility of evil twins and shape shifters) that this is the same homeless man who grabbed my leg a few years ago as I tried to open the front door to my apartment building. The complaints made by me and my neighbors about the man who acted aggressively towards local residents by hitting them, shoving them and throwing garbage at them were a low priority for the local precinct. Clearly the homeless man is mentally ill but unfortunately in the city, individuals don’t get the help they need until they commit a violent act. After I saw the news story, I called Crime Stoppers and told them of an alcove area beneath a street near me where I’ve seen the homeless man having very angry arguments with himself. After I hung up, I wondered if they really would check out this homeless man’s hangout.
The world seems a little catatonic lately and in need of a tune-up. So to get it out of my system, I have drafted a list of things that tick me off for this post’s topic:
1. Ignored morality clauses – if society is going to worship sports stars, these athletes need to set an example, not use their wealth and fame for bad. I’m not just talking about Michael Vick. Jason Kidd, a DUI, seriously? You make over twenty million dollars a year, surely you can afford a cab.
2. Protect and Serve maybe later – New York City has a “if you see something, say something” campaign. A while back, I reported a suspicious package in an ATM vestibule, went to the the precinct around the corner and reported it to two cops chatting outside. They shrugged it off and said it was probably just something a homeless man left behind, they’d check it out later if they weren’t busy. There’s a homeless woman in my neighborhood who kicks people and spits on them. Once when it occurred within feet of two policewomen on the corner, they shrugged it off and said, “yeah, that’s Annie, she’s harmless”. Sure, and Stalin was just misunderstood.
3. Men who sit in the subway with their legs widely spread – your penis isn’t so big that it needs its own seat, so legs closed.
4. People who won’t give up their seats for the handicapped, injured, pregnant or elderly – the wolves who raised you would be very disappointed in you. I have back problems, but I will give up my seat to someone who just looks more tired than I feel. One time I didn’t have a seat to give up to a very pregnant very petite woman so I got one of the teenagers sprawled out to give up his. I didn’t have a seat, but I still had a voice.
5. Cashiers who lick their fingers before giving you change and opening a bag – please keep your germs to yourself, Typhoid Mary, I don’t lick your register so I ask for the same courtesy.
6. People who stop at the top of the steps to fish out their Metrocard – unless you have the power to freeze time for the rest of us, you’re really just a speed bump.
7. People who take karaoke far too seriously – go audition for American Idol, karaoke is supposed to be bad or else you’re not doing it right.
8. Rude Americans in Europe – screaming “Noteter Daaaaame” won’t make the French waiter suddenly understand you because it’s Notre Dame and increased volume doesn’t act as a translator. Rude Europeans in America is fine, though, because they’re probably not rude, they’re just dark, misunderstood and potentially single.
9. Preservatives in American Food – I generally lose about five pounds when I’m in Paris, I guess my body doesn’t process the chemicals in American food well. The feta in Greece is a magical experience, while here the primary taste is salt. UK Cadbury chocolate makes US Cadbury its bitch.
10. Spammers – Why? Why inundate a girl’s comment section with “Get Gucci Watches Cheap”. I certainly wouldn’t buy Gucci from the same IP address for “Viagra”, I’m not that kind of girl.
11. People who forget their front door key and buzz everyone in the building – how exactly are you going to get into your apartment if you don’t have your keys? You should stay outside and think about what you have done.
12. Jennifer Love Hewitt – while your rack is amazing, your acting is limited to scared expression, sad expression and goofy happy expression. The Southern accent in “The Client List” is deplorable. And if you need to bedazzle your vagina to like it, you’re not using it properly.
13. The paparazzi – why is there no right to privacy? If a star commits a criminal act that’s one thing, but why do we as a society need to know every single detail including what kind of beverage Cameron Diaz likes or where Reese Witherspoon had lunch. Once I found myself listening to the news to see where Brad and Angelina were vacationing and I made myself do charity work for a week to reset my priorities. I like Sandra Bullock, when she has a movie out, I buy a ticket, I enjoy the movie and that’s the end of the relationship. If she doesn’t know who I’m dating, why should feel entitled to the same information about her? What I find most troubling is photos taken of celebrity kids. The children didn’t choose fame and they should absolutely be off limits to photogs. They are kids and let them have as carefree of a childhood as possible. Recently I saw a photo of Suri Cruise in a gymnastics leotard at Chelsea Piers. That is not okay. She’s a beautiful little girl and sadly there are sick people out there who like looking at little girls, to shoot her in a leotard is poor judgement. And what about the picture of Katie Holmes and her daughter in an elevator? Come on New York, we have to protect our own. As long as they live here, people should keep their camera phones away.
14. Abusers – anyone who hits or harms a child, animal or other human being are bullies who outgrew the playground. It is never ever okay to inflict that kind of cruelty on another living being. Psychological abuse is just as damaging and intolerance is unacceptable.
15. Green beer on St. Patrick’s Day – The color associated with St. Patrick was actually blue, not green, and I am nothing if not a sucker for historical accuracy. I have hydroplaned on sidewalk vomit far too many times so might I suggest reading Oscar Wilde if you truly want to celebrate the Irish.
16. Unwanted Catalogues – if I get a catalogue, I call and ask to be removed from their mailing list. A tree doesn’t need to die since I online shop anyway. For years now, I’ve been trying to get off of Gump’s mailing list. I ordered one thing from them a long time ago and they won’t let me forget it. Every time I call, they assure me they have fixed the problem. Never again will I shop with them again, nor will J. Jill ever see my business again. J. Jill automatically puts you back on the mailing list if you order something and phoning in the order doesn’t help, the customer service representatives have no control over the automatic mailing. What did those trees ever do to them?
17. LOL – enough already. Please find a form of expressing your appreciation for good comedy in a manner that 10 year-old girls don’t use. I once broke up with someone for his incessant LOL-ing.
18. Smart phones – we’re idiots. With having so much technology available at our fingertips, we’ve become available 24/7. We’ve made ourselves the equivalent of on-call doctors but we don’t get to write good scrips to take the edge off.
19. Incorrect use of the word “literally”. It just ticks me off. No one ever literally turned green with envy.
20. People famous for being famous – reality television isn’t reality. Story lines are forced, those real moments of real life are often staged or reshot because the blocking wasn’t right or they needed a catalyst to drive the storyline. Remember when Kim Kardashian and Momager Kris were caught filming a scene to be inserted into the reality show which shows Kim tearfully trying to save her marriage after it was already over? Well, who doesn’t time travel with her mother for weepy moments? The thing that bugs me most about people being famous for being famous is that I’m not one of them. Seriously, I have a big ass, too, where’s my reality show?