Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation. We all are.
The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives. Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits. The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.
In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection. I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.
The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family. I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway. Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.
This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon. I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.
All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on. I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.
Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family. I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry. She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles. Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion. Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?
There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny. She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt. While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life. I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean. Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton. They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.
The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong. She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies. Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant? The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous. More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie. The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen. Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament. Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.
For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away. E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.
When will the lambs stop screaming?
Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.
Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation. The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.
Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge. When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing. In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.
Game over. When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.
I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem. Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified. The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.
Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well. They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill. The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying. Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.
My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work. If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now. The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else. I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off. I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this? I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum. And I’ve always got people telling me what to do. ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’ Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”
Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy. Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty. Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.
And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system. No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies. If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.
No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press. Deal?