Tag Archives: Duchess of Cambridge

All in the Royal Family

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation.  We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives.  Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits.  The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection.  I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family.  I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway.  Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon.  I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on.  I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family.  I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry.  She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles.  Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion.  Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?


There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny.  She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt.  While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life.  I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean.  Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton.  They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong.  She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies.  Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant?  The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous.  More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie.  The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen.  Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament.  Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away.  E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.


When will the lambs stop screaming?

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.


Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation.  The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge.  When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing.  In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over.  When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem.  Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified.  The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well.  They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill.  The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying.  Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work.  If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now.  The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else.  I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off.  I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this?  I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum.  And I’ve always got people telling me what to do.  ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’  Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy.  Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty.  Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system.  No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies.  If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press.  Deal?


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Still Curious, George

Yesterday marked a whole month since Prince William and Catherine Duchess of Cambridge’s first child, HRH Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge, entered the world.  There is still so much fascination surrounding the birth of the third in line to the throne of England, media outlets clamoring to get every scrap of info, down to nappie details.   It’s become the journalistic equivalent of a slumber party: So like, Prince William picked up diapers on the way home one day, and he sings the baby to sleep, let’s write about how dreamy that is in our unicorn diaries and we’ll dot our i’s with hearts that will smell like grape ‘cuz we just got these new glitter pens with our allowance and it’s just so cute, awwwww!!!

Other than being able to turn journalists into eleven year-old girls, the baby is one month old, the most exciting thing we’re going to see for a while is a spit bubble. Unless Prince George makes some serious advances with cold fusion, maybe we all just take a step back and focus on something more productive, we don’t even need to put it to a vote, we can all do our own thing and see how that works out for us as a society.

All this royal baby reporting is like the end of “Ghostbusters” after the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was blown up by crossed proton streams and just blanketed everything in sticky goo, that’s how inescapable Prince George is.   When the Duchess of Cambridge went into labor, I would turn on my tv from time to time to check in, a baby is always exciting news, a reason to celebrate, something universally positive.  The next day I logged onto my computer and the first article I saw said something like, “Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to a boy.  How rude.”

And even though the media was banned from showing the topless photos of Catherine taken last year, the media has still managed to bring the focus back to Catherine’s breasts.  Now the attention is in the form of breastfeeding, which is slightly more tasteful, but as a personal decision each woman makes for herself, why must this be reported?  Beverly Turner was part of the movement trying to get Catherine to publicly breastfeed, “we also need women with power and influence to get their milky bosoms out and feed smiling in paparazzi pictures.”  I’m thinking that’s not going to happen, the royal family went to a whole lot of effort to get pictures of Kate’s bare bosoms under lock and key.  I’m an advocate of breastfeeding, and am always quick to defend a mother when she gets a negative comment or an eye roll.  I think it’s ridiculous that people feel uncomfortable around something that is so natural.  But to use any part of the Duchess’ anatomy in hopes of making a political statement is not who Catherine is, she’s been carefully groomed so as to not make the same missteps as other women who have married into the royal family.  That’s not to take away from any positive influences Princess Diana and Sarah, Duchess of York had on the monarchy and I think Catherine is careful to be respectful of that.  She’s wearing Diana’s engagement ring, she gave birth in the same place Diana did and she even wore a dress in homage to the mother-in-law that she never knew (she should lay off on further associations, though, men want to feel like they found a woman like Mom but not so much it becomes blaringly Oedipal).

The care Catherine has taken with her public image has been painstaking.  There aren’t any skeletons in the back of her closet hidden by boxes of nude pumps.  As William and Kate have said repeatedly, we’re just a boring normal couple like everyone else.  I think they’ve proven that.  It’s time to close the William and Catherine exhibit, folks, there’s only so much ordinary we can take.

From the ashes of normalcy, a phoenix of hilarious stories have cropped up on the web, sort of like a royal English telenovela, but with less believable plot lines.  They are a year old, they suddenly just popped up.  While these may be old, my favorite tale is of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, recast in several articles as the Cruella De Vil villain forcing Catherine to make her her tea and possibly a fur coat while Catherine blinks back tears.  The reports claim that Camilla has gone completely mad with power now that she knows the Queen agreed not to skip over her son Prince Charles in the line of succession and leave the thrown to William, under the condition Prince Charles stays married to Camilla, because the monarchy couldn’t possibly endure another divorce scandal.  Prince Charles having to make her happy gave her the opportunity to make everyone miserable.  And then Camilla pretty much told Catherine, “Poor little things… I’m gonna cut you off, then cut you up” and then insulted the tea.  Personally I wouldn’t cross Camilla, she’s a shrewd woman, but the report was just too over the top to be believable.  But the biggest red flag on this being nothing but the bored musings of writers who thought they would have a Pulitzer by now is the fact that the Queen can’t actually choose to have William leapfrog over Prince Charles.  In order for Prince William to become King before his father, it would take an act of Parliament.  Parliament finally got around to addressing the whole women aren’t inferior to men thing and therefore the first born of the first born would be heir to the thrown, regardless of sex, so it would be a few decades before anything else regarding royal succession gets in front of Parliament.  England is also a hereditary monarchy, they entire system is a genetic wait-your-turn and they honor such traditions.  The web has been a treasure trove of brilliant royal fiction I’ve stumbled upon, I also skimmed past another fascinating theory which states George is the reincarnated soul of Princess Diana who has come back to exact her revenge on the royal family.  There are so many things wrong and mind boggling with that statement, but the one point I’ll draw from the hat is assuming that was totally doable, she filled out a questionnaire while she was in the light and was spiritually recycled to her first pick, why would Diana want to go through all of that one more time?  I can’t imagine her signing up for another tour of duty which has Prince Charles uttering the commands.   Her dying words were, “leave me alone”.  Princess Diana had such a radiant beauty and bewitching way that people always wanted a little piece of it for themselves.  Even in a room full of people captivated by her, she almost always felt all alone.  That kind of life is very draining and disorienting, I can’t imagine her choosing it twice.

Eventually we’ll learn that George is his own person and a future ruler.  But if this last month has proven anything, it’s royal babies and royal couples can be royally uninteresting, remarkable only in the ways others are able to exploit it, offering up details that shouldn’t have been shared or adding to the collective of false information out there.   They’re just trying to live their lives, we don’t need to watch every second of it.  It’s sensory overload, when I close my eyes I see white spots on a blue dress, when I open them, it’s on the cover of every magazine.  Unless someone has proof that Prince William is half centaur and that the Duchess of Cambridge is a water sprite and George is already proving himself quite the capable wizard, I gotta say, there’s nothing on this channel to watch.

When Prince William was a child, Princess Diana was able to give him some semblance of a normal life and that made him the man he is today and the man who will lead the UK in the future.  The world is a different place now, almost everyone has a smartphone, what the paparazzi doesn’t catch, everyone in the crowd does, we are so imbued in social media, we see life as wall posts, it’s become how we connect with others, we live through our devices.  A child always represents hope for the future so I understand where the media fixation on George is coming from but I think we’ve OD’d on this joyous occasion.  It might seem like some far away modern fairytale but we all play a part in how it is allowed to play out.  I no longer buy People Magazine, US Weekly or any other magazine that purchases paparazzi photographs because of the death of Princess Diana, I didn’t want to financially contribute to these organizations that created the photographic frenzy. I know it’s a very small gesture but as the saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.