Once upon a time in the United Kingdom, a commoner known as Waity Katie walked down the aisle where her Prince was waiting. She emerged from the church a Duchess and asked her new husband, “Isn’t this the happiest day of your life?” The Prince shook his head no. “This fuss, Catherine. It’s all too much for me.”
Once upon a time was exactly three years ago. Thankfully I was in Greece at the time and missed most of the pre-wedding hype. Regretfully, I didn’t stay longer to avoid the exhaustive recap on every single channel.
With the exception of Kate’s makeup which reporters indicated was done by the bride herself, Kate’s bridal attire was celebrated as modern and elegant. Personally I found it a bit underwhelming, I mean if I suffered from some sort of major head trauma that caused me to lose all self-respect and wait eight years for a guy to marry me, my dress would be made out of diamonds and there would be uplighting installed on my shoes. But whatever, I was going through some serious post-Greece feta withdrawal at the time and thought as long as she was happy what did it matter. She just needed someone to show her how to properly apply eyeliner, her makeup was way too transvestite hooker and not in a good way.
I liked the idea of a commoner marrying her Prince. No one should be told who to love. I decided to refinish a cabinet in a shade of Creamy Delicious Feta White and wondered what charities the Duchess would support.
It would be almost nine months after the wedding before Kate announced the four charities she would start out with: Action on Addiction, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, The Art Room and The National Portrait Gallery. Waity Katie became Lazy Katie, with critics pointing out Kate has always been work-shy. The term work-shy amused me, I imagined her growing very bashful and timidly blushing around anything involving effort.
It wasn’t a fantastic start for Kate. The Queen was vocal about her displeasure with the display of Kate’s wedding dress that Kate reportedly had supervised, declaring it “creepy”. During a viewing of her dress, Kate who has a degree in Art History infamously asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.
In November of 2011, Prince William and Kate granted an interview for UNICEF. The Prince was articulate, Kate stumbled over words she parroted back, and news anchors across the world snickered at the blinking and babbling of a seemingly dim-witted Duchess.
We were assured she was adjusting. The Press focused on her beauty, because if we stared at her gorgeous locks long enough, it would be like one of those stereogram pictures, we’d see the image of a bright exciting future for the monarchy. Or a hamburger, it kinda depended on the lighting.
Three years after the wedding and Kate is still struggling with a job for which she campaigned for over a decade. Stalked, actually. If this had been any other job, she would have been fired long ago for incompetence and a deplorable attendance record.
Laughably, the press is claiming that Cressida Bonas has decided not to marry Prince Harry because she and Kate had a heart-to-heart and Kate was very upfront with her about how busy she always is which made Cressida balk at the idea of always being swamped with royal duties. Of course, to Kate, who has never actually had a real job, thirty-five or so engagements a year might seem like an overwhelming amount of work. It’s so exhausting trying to pretend to care about things, she has to smile AND wave at most of these events, but assuming this leak wasn’t calculated PR to boost Kate’s work-shy image, it really makes me worry about Cressida if she can’t hack Lazy Katie levels of leisure.
I want Prince Harry to be happy, I want everyone to be happy, it’s one of my strange afflictions, but I’m starting to think maybe Cressida isn’t the one for him. Any woman who needs convincing to be with Prince Harry and be “willing to take the job” doesn’t deserve him. Yes, marrying into that family does require a lot of sacrifice, but if you truly love someone, you willingly face those challenges to the best of your abilities because you love that person. All of us come with challenges. Love is like Ikea furniture, it takes a huge amount of effort to track down, when you finally find what you want and manage to get it home, you discover it didn’t come with instructions and half the hardware is missing. It’s maddening at times, can require multiple trips, maybe there are meatballs along the way, but somehow you figure it out.
How hard can being a Duchess be? Kate Middleton has been doing it for three years and she’s terrible at it, but apparently it comes with the ultimate job security. Lazy Katie has done a phenomenal job of setting the bar so low that whomever fills the #2 Duchess slot can just slide in without a lot of looming expectation.
The Royal Wedding feels like an eternity ago. Three years ago when I was trying to find a channel that wasn’t devoted to Royal Wedding coverage, I never imagined I would find myself writing about Kate Middleton. Most of my reader base is now comprised of others who are frustrated by Lazy Katie’s disinterest in her duties and every now and then I’ll get a nice note from one of my readers encouraging me to continue covering the Duchess of Doolittle which always seems to come just when I need it. My intention has always been to write these posts until Kate learns to use her powers for good but sometimes I wonder if that’s an unrealistic goal. She’s been doing this for three years now and has settled so firmly into underperforming I wonder if she’ll ever actually try to do the job she spent a decade trying to get. At what point do objections become rants? Where exactly is the fine line between protesting the social obliviousness of a Doolittle Duchess and Morrissey manifesto? Can someone please let me know when I reach it? I kinda feel like you have to have some kind of talent to successfully pull off a Morrissey and I keep meaning to pick some up, I just forget.