Tag Archives: the Queen

Kate Doesn’t Mind The Gap

I’m a little worried about Kate Middleton.  Not so worried this post will be devoid of all snarkiness, just concerned enough to entertain the notion that maybe the Duchess of Cambridge might be struggling with more than just tan lines, or that maybe those tan lines sadden her more than we will ever know.

Despite having only worked 4 of the last 110 days, Kate seems to be one lifeless Poppet recently, her face is strained, she’s been clenching her jaw, she’s fake-smiling like a normal person and not a radioactive comic book supervillain named Pageant Girl, and she’s frugally shopping again.  On Monday while the Queen, Prince Philip and Prince William unveiled statues of Windsor Greys, Kate went shopping at The Gap.  And she bought Prince George these pants:

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Prince George isn’t tall enough yet to be able to carry off horizontal stripes, this is totally going to make him look hippy.  Kate knows better than that.

When looking at photos of the weekend wedding Kate attended with Princes William and Harry, I noticed what appeared to be dark tear streaks on Kate’s cheeks, so I asked for a second opinion on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva.  Herazeus answered, “The first thing that struck me before you brought this up, is that she has streaks down the side of her face consistent with streaked mascara that’s been running when a person cries.”

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Kate flipped on the smile switch for pictures, but the dark streaks became even more evident in more light.

Now, it was a friend’s wedding, people sometimes cry at those, but usually that happens during the wedding.  Guests usually don’t get in a pre-cry.  At least I don’t, I’m usually too preoccupied with trying to avoid Spanx-related near-death experiences.

I commented in my last post that Prince Harry was walking behind her in a lot of the weekend wedding photos, maybe using Kate as a human shield.  The more I think about it, though, the more I suspect Captain Harry Wales had her six.

In the family portrait taken on March 18th and released over the weekend, even with a level of PhotoShopping making her look like she’s her own Madame Tussauds wax figure, there’s a lot of tension in her jaw.

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This is her usual Duchess smile:

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Her smile in the family photo is almost a grimace in comparison.  Why so sad, girl?

Now, Kate’s always been a bit work-shy, something the Queen attempted to address back in 2008 without success.  I can’t imagine the Queen hasn’t noticed that when Kate leaves for the Australia/New Zealand tour, she will have only averaged one official engagement a month for the past four months.  That’s shocking even for a woman whose nickname is Lazy.  Has Kate perfected ducking Duchess Duties or has she been given a Duties-Free pass because something is amiss?

This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sitings.  Maybe Kate’s ultimate goal is to get her official engagements down to one a year and if she sees her shadow, it means there’s six more weeks of winter.  There are all sorts of rumors on the internet hypothesizing about her disappearing act and why she seems like a shadow of her former shell lately.  They range from speculation that she is still suffering from postpartum depression to marital problems to her starting to crack under the pressure of expectation that came with the title.  As much as I criticize her for not being involved in more charity work, I don’t want to see her unhappy.

The Australia/New Zealand Tour should be interesting.  She’s got appearances on fourteen days with only three rest days.  Even though for most, what she’s got scheduled is akin to our level of activity while on vacation, this girl hasn’t done any real stretching to prepare her.

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My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.

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When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.

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For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:

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The markers are:

1. The Vein –

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There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.

 

 

 

2. Mole #1 –

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Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.

 

 

3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.

 

 

 

4. Brows –

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There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.

 

5. Under-eye puffiness –

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This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.

 

6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.

 

 

7. Head scar –

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It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.

 

 

8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-

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Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.

 

 

Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:

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Or this:

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When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.

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Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.

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I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.

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Love,

Lola

Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance

I feel robbed, and not in the way I at least get to talk to cute cops in uniform.  In the biography, “Kate, The Future Queen”, Daily Mail reporter and author, Katie Nicholls, reveals that the love story of Kate Middleton and Prince William wasn’t as fated as dropped books at St. Andrews University and a sheer black dress on a catwalk.  Basically the duchess nabbed her prince by stalking him.

Dubbed “Waity Katie” by the press, Kate Middleton infamously held on for eight years after she met her prince until he popped the question.  Except the timeline spans a few more years now following the revelation that prior to attending St. Andrews, Waity Katie told her friends that she had already met Prince William “once or twice”.

According to the new biography, Kate Middleton planned on attending Edinburgh until it was announced that Prince William would be taking a gap year before attending St. Andrews.  She ripped up her Edinburgh acceptance letter, took a leap year to be in Prince William’s class and then reapplied to St. Andrew’s to increase her chances at shagging and bagging the prince.

Ewww.

I’ve never understood the media’s fixation with Kate Middleton but I hoped she might one day prove she was more than just the “cold, dull, serious girl” Prince William’s friends described her as.  Despite being disappointed in her work ethic and cringing at some of her idiotic comments, I still wanted this to be a wonderful story about a girl destined to marry her true love, not a girl destined to use tactical maneuvering to increase her chances at nabbing HRH status.  There was a moment during her wedding when she looked at Prince William with crazy eyes and I thought, maybe there’s a personality in that candied shell after all, maybe she really was a girl madly in love with the man she was marrying.  Given recent reports, I suspect at that moment she couldn’t believe she actually pulled it off.

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How did she pull that off, anyway?  Her dizzy comments have led many to wonder just how bright the future Queen Consort is.  During a viewing of her wedding dress at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, the Duchess with the Art History degree asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.  In addition to admitting she doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea, she has proven she can’t even string together a coherent tea-related question, inquiring during an appearance at Fortnum & Mason: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”   When shopping for a birthday gift for her husband this year, Kate also appeared thwarted by the concept of pens being cylindrical, telling a store clerk she was looking for “a really beautiful pen for a man who is left-handed”.   She doesn’t seem to fare much better reading words from a teleprompter.  The delivery of her first public address earlier this year for Children’s Hospice Week was painfully awkward and despite the piece being edited, her mispronunciation of the word “palliative” was not corrected.  One might question why no one spared her that embarrassment.

A story was leaked last year that the Queen referred to Kate Middleton as the Duchess of Doolittle, calling her vain, vapid and lazy.  Normally I would be skeptical of reports citing the Queen as the source, after all, a trusted confidante gossiping to the press would be a betrayal and the Queen isn’t known for being overly trusting.  However, I have no trouble believing the Queen intended for those critical comments to be slipped to the media in hopes Kate would work on improving herself as a representative of the Royal Family.  Like those nude patent pumps Kate always has on, it’s merely a matter of time before her shine gets scuffed and she is perceived of as worn and tired.  The Queen is a highly intelligent woman who knows a lot about longevity in the public eye.

When women marry into the Royal Family, there always seems to be a period of media adoration in the first few years before the ensuing backlash of the press growing bored with its own creation.  The story of a commoner marrying her prince might ultimately backfire against the monarchy, after all, if anyone can be royalty, why does Great Britain need the Royal Family, especially since they have been nothing more than figureheads since the 17th century and UK taxpayers are funding a good chunk of their extravagant lifestyles?

There is tension within the Royal Family already about Kate not being a blood princess, rumored to have been started when the Queen issued the Order of Precedence, decreeing that when not in the presence of William, Kate must curtsey to the York Princesses who are royalty by birth, not marriage, and to Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, regardless of whether or not Prince William accompanies her because she is married to the first in line to the throne.  Both Kate Middleton and the York Princesses are accused of using Mean Girls tactics against each other.  According to one report, Kate Middleton invited Princess Beatrice to a party, not telling her of the dress code, then publically humiliated her for not being properly attired, one of the reporters in attendance was said to have found Princess Beatrice crying in the bathroom.  Then Princess Beatrice’s sister Princess Eugenie was believed to have introduced Prince Harry to his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas in retaliation for Kate’s hostility to the York Princesses.  The matchmaking effort was thought to be an effort to make Kate jealous because Prince William left Kate for Cressida’s gorgeous half sister Isabella in 2007.  Waity Katie allegedly took William back under the condition he never see Isabella again, a promise that would be impossible to honor if Cressida and Prince Harry got married.

I don’t doubt that there will be an increasing number of those wondering why Prince William was permitted to marry such a common girl as the public grows bored of Lazy Katie’s superficial aspirations.  The clips from Prince George’s christening provided interesting insight into the Middleton influence on the modern monarchy.  Both Kate and her sister Pippa seemed to reinforce their presence within the Royal Family by matching their beige outfits to Prince George’s christening gown.   Sort of a “We’re here.  We’re beige.  Get used to it.” fashion statement.   While the christening of the future monarch is a private affair, traditionally foreign dignitaries are invited because the monarchy understands its role in the global community.  The slight extended to other members of the Royal Family.  Citing a desire to keep the christening an informal affair, all but five Senior Royals were excluded from the guest list.  Only the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, the Duchess of Cornwall, and Prince Harry were invited.

While the christening was said to be the duke and duchess’ modern approach to the event, the informality seemed an affront to royal tradition and etiquette.  After awkwardly greeting the Queen, Kate had to fumble a forgotten curtsey to Prince Philip.  I know that seems like a minor point to most but royals takes the gesture of respect to senior royals seriously, it is why the Queen established the Order of Precedence.  Some might point out that I improperly refer to the Duchess of Cambridge as Kate, Kate Middleton, Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle, Duchess of Lamebridge, Sock Puppet and the Duchess of Dull, and that would be a fair point.  However given the aggressive measures she took in order to nab the prince, it’s safe to say she pursued the pomp and ceremony of being married to a royal and therefore signed on for the etiquette whereas my critical bitchiness is part of my nature and thus obtained by more honest means.

I do think that the Palace takes note of public criticism of Kate in order to try to avoid the mistakes made by other women who married into the family.  In attempt to lessen the pressures on the Duchess By Design, they gave her a grace period, but Kate settled too comfortably into averaging a mere thirty official royal appearances a year compared to the four hundred or so the eight-seven year old Queen knocks out annually.   Kate initially announced she would be the patron of four charities and announced three more this year for a whopping total of seven in the three years since she married into the Royal Family.  Her father-in-law Prince Charles is patron to more than four hundred charities.  It’s unlikely Lazy Katie will become more ambitious during this next year, the Palace announced that Prince William is taking a “transition” year between leaving the Royal Air Force and assuming his royal duties full-time.  Which probably means more vacations for the Duchess of Doolittle and the global snickering that follows such announcements.

One of the things I noticed about the footage from Prince George’s christening was that Kate didn’t seem to have bonded with George, when he was in her arms and not in her husband’s, she carried him like he was one of her accessories purchased on High Street instead of her son.  Two days after the christening, another photo was released, this one showing Kate actually looking at her son.  It was noted that the picture was taken at the same time of the others, an interesting comment that made me wonder if it was staged after-the-fact or if so many others had noticed a lack of motherly affection at the christening, that showing a tender moment was deemed necessary for Kate’s public image.

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Ultimately what bothers me about Kate Middleton is that along with all semblance of a personality, she has been stripped of ambition to be anything other than what she is, someone who is trying to pick and chose what royal duties she wants to go with her title.  She is a woman who sacrificed her dream of attending Edinburgh, all of her plans that didn’t involve the prince as well as the truths of own her love story which she revised and respun to be more palpable.  She is a fictional character, of her own creation, further molded by the press’ fascination and the cautious hands of the Royal Family’s Bootcamp training her so she doesn’t damage public perception of the monarchy like Princess Diana did.  I think the royal bride with the crazy eyes would be far more interesting than the Duchess with the pageant smile, if there’s any of her that has survived the constant lacquering.  Perhaps the reason Kate doesn’t do more charity work is because in rewriting herself for her prince, she has lost touch with her own humanity.  But Kate could prove to be the perfect Duchess by Design, after all, when her shell starts to crack, it’s quite possible we’ll discover she’s totally hollow, with nothing inside of her that could be an embarrassment to the royal family.

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Love,

Lola