Tag Archives: Kate Middleton Criticism

The Middletons Take Mustique

After three events on Monday for which child-scarer Kate Middleton looked like a Clueless Miss Geist, the duchess became a self-fulfilling punchline when she jetted off to Mustique on Thursday with Prince William, Prince George, her mother, father, sister and brother and several Royal Protection Officers.

Despite being ‘too pregnant’ to join Prince William on a tour of China and Japan, Kate is apparently just pregnant enough for the nine hour flight to her favorite Caribbean destination.  No Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum to spoil the Caribbean Queen’s third trimester two week getaway with the Middletons, which is fortunate, had Kate’s pregnancy really been a difficult one and not just billed so to get out of duties, there might be concern that the future fourth-in-line to the throne was several islands away from the most basic of hospital care.

The trip is ostensibly to celebrate Middleton Matriarch Carole’s 60th birthday which apparently the Doolittles were unable to do when they spent this past weekend with Kate’s parents at Bucklebury or during the two weeks or so that the Middleton family spent at Anmer Hall around the Christmas holidays.

Surely this birthday celebration for Carole has been in the works for a while and yet Prince William still opted to forego Christmas Day with his grandmother, preferring to spend it instead with Carole and the rest of the Middleton clan in a mansion gifted to him by Her Majesty.  Apparently with the short deck Prince William seems to be playing with these days, Carole trumps the Queen.  With Carole Middleton seemingly always getting top priority, isn’t every day Carole’s birthday?

But this Mustique trip had to have an official reason to make it slightly more palpable to the press, after all, Prince William has been doing very few official engagements while supposedly training to be an air ambulance pilot, Kate just took several weeks off around Christmas from all that nothing she does, and they couldn’t call it a Babymoon because they just had one of those in November, nor could it be a second honeymoon because they just had one of those ten months ago in the Maldives… so Carole’s birthday celebration it is.

While this is a private Middleton getaway, unfortunately it still comes with a hefty price tag for taxpayers who foot the bill for security and any additional staff the couple brings, such as the nanny.  These costs include round-trip business class tickets, luxury resort lodging, per diem and overtime.  While RPO numbers are never released for “security” reasons, I estimate a dozen Royal Protection Officers were brought along to Mustique to guard the villa, The Heir-To-The-Heir, The Heir-To-The-Heir-To-The-Heir and The Hair.  Despite taxpayer financial contributions to this trip, it’s doubtful taxpayers will even get to see pictures from this latest holiday.  In the past, other guests on Mustique have complained about royal security restricting movement on the island, taking away their cell phones and even questioning them before allowing them on the beach (which makes the 2013 babymoon pics even more curious, with many believing Carole was somehow involved).  But, who knows, maybe Prince William will spring for some “Kate and Wills Blew My Tax Money on Another Holiday and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” souvenirs.  Or maybe Prince William prefers the more classic “I’m With Stupid” design. redheart

signature copy


How To Be A Lady

Buckingham Palace was kind enough to remind American journalists what is appropriate attire around visiting members of the Royal Family, so I wanted to take the opportunity to address proper etiquette.  In preparation for the visit the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have planned to New York City, this post is dedicated to the topic of How to be a Lady.

-Always behave as if there are cameras on you.  Because in this day and age, there probably are.


-Be well read and articulate.  A lady is an excellent conversationalist, never curses or stammers and can speak knowledgably about a wide range of topics.


-Never lose your temper or yell.  You do not need to raise your voice to make an impactful statement.


-Be confident in manner and speech.


-Have good posture.


-When standing, your hands should be at your sides or across your diaphragm.  Never on your nether regions.


-Don’t play with your hair in public.


-Don’t play with your hair while grabbing your nether regions.


-Dress properly in garments that fit well and aren’t revealing.  The only thing worse than exposing your undergarments with sheer clothing…


… is exposing yourself wearing no undergarments.


-In addition to not being immodest, attire should be appropriate for the day’s activities.


-Never adjust your undergarments in public.  Always excuse yourself and adjust in a lavatory or other area where you will have total privacy.


-Don’t bite your nails.


-Always exercise proper etiquette when eating and drinking.  For example, champagne flutes should only be held by the stem.


-Never drink excessively.


-Take your sunglasses off when speaking with someone, unless he or she is a very close friend or family member.


-Be a gracious guest.  Smile warmly and thank your host or hostess for his or her hospitality.


-When exiting a car, pivot when you are still seated so both feet hit the ground outside the car at once.  Getting out one foot at a time not only looks awkward, it can result in an embarrassing flash of undergarments.


– Never behave snobbishly, treat others with respect.  Class has nothing to do with lineage or titles, it’s about how you act towards others.


– Do not whisper or gossip, it can make others feel ill at ease.


– A lady is always gracious in any activity and is careful not to flaunt her success at the expense of others.  As American Football Coach, Paul Brown, stated, “When you win, say nothing.  When you lose, say less.”


-When in the company of others, keep your cell phones away.  Texting, Tweeting and talking on the phone sends the message you do not find your present company interesting enough to give your undivided attention.


-Always remember that your actions in public reflect on how well you were raised.


-When traveling abroad, always remember you are a guest of that country.


While the Royal Family may have certain expectations of conduct from society towards its representatives, society also has certain expectations from the Royal Family’s representatives.  Can respect and special concessions be demanded for a duchess who cannot even manage to conduct herself as a lady, especially in a country where titles are merely quaint reminders of a system of government our country has rejected?  Perhaps the focus should be on Kate acclimating herself to the customs of the country she is visiting as well as familiarizing herself with how to behave as a lady instead of making demands on our free press.


signature copy

Lack of Sartorial Variety at Royal Variety Performance

On Thursday night, Kate Middleton and Prince William attended The Royal Variety Performance.


And she didn’t wear the black lace Alice Temperley.  Instead she wore black lace Diane Von Furstenberg. This is one of Kate’s best looks to date and yet, it falls a little flat.

Don’t get me wrong, she looks lovely.  But she is a beautiful thirty-two year-old woman with nearly limitless resources who could have looked spectacular.

Due to the thrice-repeated Alice Temperly dress, we’ve seen her in floor-length black lace.

KateBlackLaceAliceTemperleyWe’ve also seen that neckline before.


We’ve even seen it with three quarter lace sleeves.

KateLaceNecklineThis is Kate’s first time representing Her Majesty at The Royal Variety Show.  And she chose the color black which Queen Elizabeth very rarely wears.  Her Majesty believes the monarchy should be visual representations of blossoming hope for the future.  The future that Kate is representing photographs flatly.

In 1962, this is what the then 36 year-old monarch wore to the Royal Variety Performance.

queen1962I’m not a fan of fur, but it was a different time.  Queen Elizabeth looks breathtaking.

Granted, Kate is a duchess married to the second-in-line to the throne and not the reigning queen, but she could have evoked the same kind of glamorous regal grandeur without overstepping her position.

Tonight’s accessories and make-up are unmemorable.


Kate’s gone with an ever-so-slightly darker version of her smoky-eye and nude lip day make-up which she never strays from despite a self-professed love of make-up.  The earrings are blue topaz circles with diamond accents designed by Kiki McDonough which she’s worn before at a Creative Industries reception and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert.  They are pretty, but certainly not spectacular.  Blue topaz is a semi-precious stone that tends to disappear on skin, the understated design makes these earrings more suitable for an awards luncheon.  From beneath her hem peaked black platform Jimmy Choos as she clutched a black beaded evening bag to her favorite resting spot, no nailpolish to even brighten up her crotch clutching, her hair the same loose chignon that has become one of the very few up-do’s she wears.

Kate’s look this evening is merely slight variations on other looks we’ve seen before.

It’s said that the Royal Variety Show is the least favorite event on the Royal Family’s official calendar, Prince Charles and Camilla have attended on the Queen’s behalf in recent years.  Last year Camilla wore custom Vivienne Westwood gown and a sapphire brooch converted into a pendant.


That necklace was not on loan from the Queen, but Camilla has on many occasions worn some of Her Majesty’s spectacular jewels, including major pieces such as the Boucheron tiara, the Delhi Durbar Tiara, the Collet Coronation Necklace, and the Greville Diamond Necklace.  To date, Kate has only been lent four pieces: the Cartier Halo Tiara on her wedding day, The Maple Leaf Brooch for the Canada tour, the Nizam of Hyderabad Necklace for the National Gallery Portrait Event earlier this year and the Fern Brooch for the New Zealand tour.  I was curious to see if The Queen would loan Kate any pieces for her first Royal Variety Performance, it would have been the perfect opportunity to dispel some of the swirling rumors that Kate is feuding with the Queen over her work ethic and that the marriage of Kate and Prince William is on shaky ground.  I wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t.  Maybe the Queen was just concerned she wouldn’t get one of the priceless pieces back in case Kate scampered directly back to Bucklebury and feared it would wind up on Pippa demonstrating the perfect keg stand on The Today Show.

So far I’m not impressed with stylist/assistant Natasha Archer’s choices for Kate, if she was involved at all with this look.  Kate looked beautiful but underwhelming.

redheartsignature copy

The Crotch Clutching Of A Future Queen

Kate Middleton’s Nipple Button Coat reminded me of the subliminal ways Kate conveys messages through fashion and body language.  While the Palace may frown on Kate baring her bits on balconies and flashing her privates wherever there is breeze, Kate still manages to draw attention to her genitalia.  As she would have been taught in her Art History classes, one way to direct the focus of a viewer’s eyes is with hand placement.  Kate likes to keep hers on her crotch, either with a clutch pressed up against her vagina (technically speaking her mons pubis and labia majora) or bare-handing it.

Hilary Mantel incurred public wrath by pointing out, “a royal lady is a royal vagina.”  Kate Middleton landed her prince by being sexually available to him any time, day or night, so much so that Prince William’s Royal Protection Officers were credited with giving her the nickname “The Mattress”.  As a duchess, Kate has dutifully produced the heir with the spare on the way.  Perhaps Kate keeps her hands over her vagina because she’s publicly praising it for a job well done.

At least that’s the explanation that’s the least disturbing to me.  Because otherwise we get into some very unsettling scenarios.  Like is  the constant crotch-touching a silent cry for Monistat?  Is her vagina haunted and she has to muffle the spooky ghostly moans coming from within?  Does she keep a colony of bees in her vagina because Wills enjoys fresh honey and she’s afraid the little workers will escape?  And most importantly, does Rebecca Deacon follow behind Kate with a bottle of Purell giving courtesy squirts to all of those who have had to touch Kate’s hands after they’ve been resting on her mons pubis and labia majora?

To kick off the week, here’s a Kate Crotch Clutching Collage.  I just Googled “Kate Middleton” for images to screen grab, no other search terms were required since there are probably more photos of her touching her nether regions than not.  This crotch-clutcher will be called Queen Catherine one day, assuming the British Monarchy doesn’t crash and burn by then and Kate’s marriage remains intact.  Call me a hopeless romantic, but I’m sure Kate’s still got a few tricks up her skirt to remind William why he settled for her in the first place.


Where could Kate have learned that a crotch is a socially acceptable resting spot for hands?  Perhaps Carole knows.




signature copy

Balmoral Babymoon

After three whole events in recent weeks, Kate Middleton set off on a babymoon with Princes William and George at Balmoral.  While many are having a good laugh at Kate being in need of some R&R after three quicky appearances, the trip might have been a well thought-out counter-maneuver to neutralize the whisperings about the marriage of Prince William and Kate not meeting fairytale standards.  Rumors of Kate living with her Mum for the last several weeks could be ignored no longer when most major news outlets covered the story of Kate’s armed Royal Protection Officers swarming a family whose car broke down near Bucklebury, and even the most loyal of royalists started wondering if there’s a whole new generation of Warring Windsors.

Balmoral is an unusual place for Kate to pick for a babymoon which makes me think this has been more about managing public perception than it is a romantic getaway.  It’s an unseasonable time of year to visit an estate known for its outdoor activities.  For Kate’s babymoon, temps have been the 40s during the day, dipping down to the 20s at night with daily mixtures of rain and snow, a far cry from the Caribbean temperatures the Duchess enjoys.

Situated on 50,000 acres (roughly a tenth of the size of the state Rhode Island), Balmoral in November has some of the same kind of isolated charm that the hotel in The Shining possessed.  Like the fictional Stephen King hotel, Balmoral is said to be haunted by those who once served within its walls.  The most infamous of all specters is John Brown, servant and rumored lover of Queen Victoria.  In life, John Brown and Queen Victoria had adjoining rooms, in death Victoria was buried with a lock of his hair, his photo, and a ring that had belonged to his mother so most likely they were totally doing it.  Brown’s ghost is said to still be wandering the halls of Balmoral, clad in a kilt, and has reportedly been seen by many, including Queen Elizabeth II.  I wonder if it’s true what they say about what Scottish ghosts don’t wear beneath their ghost kilts.

While Kate is said to enjoy bloodsports like grouse hunting, how much would she really traipse around a Balmoral grouse moor in her jeggings and wedges being pelted by slush?  The closest shopping to Balmoral, not including the gift shop, is in the quaint Victorian town of Ballater where there are only a handful of shops and one hair salon, The Hair Loft, which specializes in perms and wedding up-dos.  Given the weather, outdoor activities for Prince George would be limited but there’s always cruising around the halls on a tricycle looking for some twins he can play with forever and ever and ever and an opportunity for Prince William to catch up on his typing.

So why Balmoral for the babymoon?  Well, the fairytale must look like its still intact but if Kate had escaped to the Caribbean with her husband after blowing off summertime duties then missed a couple of months of engagements because of hyperemesis gravidarum which many don’t believe she actually had, there would be a lot of backlash.  Plus island destinations require months of planning ahead of time to arrange security logistics, a babymoon to Balmoral can be thrown together spur-of-the-moment when marital discord rumors might need to be publicly squashed.  Balmoral is owned by the Queen so while taxpayers have to cover the cost of Royal Protection Officers’ travel to Balmoral, at least luxury hotel accommodations aren’t included in the getaway cost billed to the citizens of the UK.  Balmoral is very important to the Queen, by her offering up her beloved country estate to the couple, it also addresses the rumors that the Queen is fed up with Lazy Katie, believes her claims of hyperemesis gravidarum is just yet another excuse for Kate to avoid her duties and has ordered the duchess back to work.

Despite Kate living apart from Prince William during much of her first trimester, there seems to be an effort by the Palace to portray the couple as reunited and as happy as they’ve always been.  In addition to the sudden Balmoral babymoon, it’s been recently announced Kate and Prince William will be doing two joint-engagements at the Valero Pembroke Refinery and the Wales vs Australia Rugby Union match in Cardiff on Saturday.   And of course, there’s the hint of the couple taking a trip to New York together before they begin their winter holidays.  After all, if they are photographed together, then it’s easier to convince the public there’s nothing wrong, it’s totally natural a duchess would chose to live with her mother instead of her prince in a palace with a staff to take care of anything she could possibly want while being closer to the medical care she might need if she really had the illness she was probably faking.

They say marriage takes a lot of work, so maybe it shouldn’t be surprising Lazy Katie ditched the husband to go live with her Mum and why there appears to be some help from palace staff in maintaining the fairytale facade.


signature copy




Peasantly Surprised

The Daily Mail ran a story on Friday with the info from the Royal Household Annual Accounts that’s had Palace aides popping Rennies for months. Renovations for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s Kensington Palace home have spiraled so far out of control, the blown budget has been spotted hanging out with Lindsay Lohan at Chiltern Firehouse.

Back in March, there was quite an uproar when news leaked that the budget footed by UK taxpayers for Apartment 1A had gone from the $1.8 million to $3.5 million and Kate wasn’t thrilled with the results.  Well, according to June’s Royal Household Annual Account, the grand total now is around $6,805,000, quadruple the original estimate.  Surprise!

In the olden days, a pitchfork and torch-wielding mob could gather to voice peasant displeasure, but very few people have pitchforks anymore and torches are just so cumbersome.   These days publicists fight the battles against the disenchanted and try to keep theoretical tea from being tossed into a harbor.

The Daily Mail reports that a spokesman for the couple claims because it was last renovated in 1963, a “significant amount of work had to be done to make it habitable again…   To put it in perspective, there wasn’t even any running water.”

Princess Margaret lived in the four story “apartment” until 1997 and of course we all remember the Queen’s sister in her sixties beating her laundry on rocks and carrying buckets full of water back from the Thames, sometimes running into Nellie Oleson who would show off a doll or a dress poor Princess Margaret couldn’t afford because money was tight on the prairie.  The 90s were a crazy, historically inaccurate decade.  Even though Buckingham Palace might want to portray Apartment 1A as having tumbleweeds blowing through the hallways, it wasn’t an abandoned ghost town.  The charity Historic Royal Palaces was operating out of the apartment, paying for necessary repairs and minor work for the space they were using out of their own pockets until they were given the boot to make way for the married couple.

Prince William and Kate were given several options for their home.  Kate was insistent on her own private garden which narrowed the possibilities.  Wills wanted to take his mother’s old apartment which had a private garden and would have required much less work, but it was reported that Kate was creeped out by the possibility of running into her late mother-in-law’s spirit.  Or at least ghost “wobblies” were said to be the reason Kate had to have Apartment 1A which was the biggest and grandest of all the possible residences available that weren’t once home to Princess Diana.  Personally, I think Prince Diana’s spirit is probably more creeped out by Kate.

Asbestos is being fingered as the cause of the Kensington Palace renovations costing millions of dollars.  Except the asbestos removal was covered by the original estimate.  Must be spooky mysteriously reappearing ghost asbestos, ghost asbestos giving Kate the wobblies.

If the original $1.8 million was to cover the “necessary renovations”, I guess the rest must have been for unnecessary renovations.  Perhaps it went towards platinum stripper poles and maybe a Starbuck’s and a Zara’s next to Kate’s private bathroom for when Kate’s far too tuckered to leave the Palace or has exceeded her monthly flashing limit?

$6,805,000 is a lot of money.  Okay, you can’t buy everyone in the world a Coke, a lot of people would have to share, but it is enough money to feed the severely malnourished children in London or save the lives of the thousands of UK citizens who will die this winter because they can’t afford to heat their homes.  It’s enough to help single mothers who are struggling to provide basic necessities for their children and a brighter future than cramped dilapidated housing.  $6.8 million is almost all that East Anglia’s Childrens Hospices needs to build a new hospital.  But having three state-of-the art kitchens in one home is super-important, too.

Not that the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle haven’t had to make sacrifices.  After all, they are expected to let other family members borrow the $13.6 million helicopter the Queen is leasing for them in helicopter emergencies when no other helicopter is available.  A new helicopter makes sense though, how else would they get to their country estate, Anmer Hall?  Driving’s for peasants.  So is paying for the Cambridge’s extravagant lifestyles.


signature copy

Kate Middleton Crowned New Madame Déficit

When it was announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton were engaged, comparisons were immediately drawn between the late Princess Diana and the woman who was now wearing her sapphire engagement ring.  Beyond Kate referencing the mother-in-law she never met through her clothing choices and photo ops, there really are very few similarities.

Back from the Maldives vacation, Kate logged one more official engagement, presenting shamrocks to Irish Guards in Aldershot, Hampshire on St. Patrick’s Day, which brought her total up to four for 2014.  Kate was wearing a brand new outfit, to the relief of the most loyal royalist fashionistas who worried she would try to pull off the dreaded coat threepeat, the effects of which would be more cataclysmic than a meteor the size of Texas hitting the Earth.   Then Kate put a Do Not Disturb Sign on the door to her oblivious privilege and devoted herself to redecorating the redecorated Kensington Palace as well as the couple’s Anmer Hall ten bedroom country house with no more official engagements to clutter her calendar or pretty little head until the Australian/New Zealand tour next month.

Amidst recent unflattering press, Kate’s frivolous spending habits and work-shy approach to her duties have her being compared to another royal figure, a former Queen Consort named Marie Antoinette, who was single-handedly blamed for bringing down the French monarchy.




Marie Antoinette Kate Middleton
Earthquake in Lisbon on her date of birth Earthquake in Canada & New England on her date of birth
A bit of a tomboy when younger A bit of a tomboy when younger
Marriage arranged by mother Marriage orchestrated by mother
Had to go through French Princess Bootcamp Had to go through Duchess Bootcamp
Described by the Abbé de Vermond as “rather lazy and extremely frivolous” Reportedly described by Queen Elizabeth as “vain, vapid and lazy”
Sisters disfigured by small pox Sister disfigured by strange orange-hued skin
Had teeth fixed as condition of marriage to French dauphin Had teeth fixed by French dentist prior to marriage
April Bride – Married April 19, 1770 April Bride – Married April 29, 2011
Waited 7 years for her husband to have sex with her Waited 10 years for Prince William to become her husband
Intentionally powdered her hair white Gray roots caused global freak-out
Initially loved by the people for her beauty Initially loved by the people for her beauty
Conception rumors early in marriage (Louis XVI rumored to be impotent) Conception rumors early in marriage (Kate rumored to be infertile, William rumored to be Antichrist)
Brother helped address couple’s sex issue Brother no help wearing a dress
Spent a lot of money on clothing Spends a lot of money on clothing
Favorite Designer: Rose Bertin Favorite Designer: Jenny Packham
Obsessed with her hair Obsessed with her hair
Wore heavy makeup with kohl around eyes & lots of blush Wears heavy makeup with black eyeliner & lots of blush
Not permitted to bring pug Mops with her to France Not permitted to bring cocker spaniel Lupo to Sandringham at Christmas
Nicknamed Madame Déficit  & Madame Veto Nicknamed Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle & Madame Déficit
Most cruel nickname: The Austrian Whore Most cruel nickname: The Mattress
Good dancer Good dancer
Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage
Had a lady in waiting in charge of her underwear Probably should have someone making sure she’s wearing underwear
Icy relationship with King’s mistress Rumored icy relationship with Prince Charles’ once former mistress
Extremely chummy with husband’s brother, Charles Extremely chummy with husband’s brother Harry
Liked to redecorate Likes to redecorate
Cost of La Petit Trianon renovations spiraled out of control Cost of Kensington Palace renovations spiraled out of control
Indecisive dull homebody husband Indecisive dull homebody husband
Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with son Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with brother-in-law
Considered not very bright Ditzy comments suggest the bulb is low wattage
Enjoyed hunting Enjoyed hunting, or at least pretended to until she bagged William
Constantly featured in gossip pamphlets called libelles Constantly featured in gossip magazines
Loved bonbons Loves bonbons
Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people
French Invasion of Privacy – ladies in waiting watched her bathe French invasion of Privacy – Paparazzi snapped topless & bottomless pics
Enjoyed putting on plays Enjoyed being in plays
Marrieta, Ohio named after Marie Antoinette Butter London’s “No More Waity, Katie” nailpolish named after Kate
Wore purple shoes to her execution Wore purple shoes & black dress to a wedding & faced fashion firing squad
Frivolous spending contributed to French Revolution Frivolous spending revolting
October 16, 1793 – Beheaded to cheers of once-adoring public October 16, 2013 – 220 years later, Kate goes shopping, Quelle surprise!

While Marie Antoinette has been historically vilified, she wasn’t malicious, she was a rather dull superficial woman whose capacity for kindness was dwarfed by her weakness for extravagance.  She lost the connection between her heart and mind at a time when those who were struggling looked to the monarchy for reassurance and instead saw profligacy.  It’s up to Kate how she is historically remembered, there is kindness within her, hopefully she has the strength of character to not to be lured further away from it by the siren’s song  of decadence.

March is Women’s History Month.  Perhaps Kate can be inspired by the women in this article who are changing the world: http://act.mtv.com/posts/8-women-who-are-changing-the-world/

I know the incredible women behind Thinx: Miki Agrawal, Antonia Dunbar and Radha Agrawal and I am lucky to count Antonia Dunbar as one of my dearest friends.  Antonia radiates warmth, embodies strength, and possesses graceful invincibility.  The luminous beauty of her heart, mind, body and soul co-mingle in molecular and metaphysical fluidity.  Each and every day she strives to make the world better and each and every day she succeeds.  As co-founder of Thinx, Antonia was driven by the discovery that there are 67 million women in the world whose lives were adversely affected by their sanitary needs.  An idea to provide sexy underwear with powerful purpose became a mission.  Three women changing the world, something each of us has the capability to do.


signature copy