Tag Archives: Alexander McQueen

Pippa Middleton’s Wedding

On Saturday, one of the most famous bridesmaids of the last decade got to be the bride.  Pippa Middleton, also known as the other Wisteria Sister, married hedge-fund manager James Matthews in lavish royal-adjacent fashion.


Pippa looked beautiful and blissfully happy, reminding us why we all love weddings, even ones we think we don’t particular care about until the media gently reminds us that apathy is not an option.


I wasn’t particularly a fan of Pippa’s custom guipure lace gown by Giles Deacon and the Maidenhair Fern tiara.  With the lace, high collar, and molded feel of the bodice, it was a little too Victorian Wonder Woman as interpreted by Zack Snyder for my taste.


But of course, after seeing how jacked Pippa’s arms are now, I wouldn’t say that to her face.


The Daily Mail has a multitude of articles with a vast amount of photos of the wedding, including one in which you can sort of see Meghan Markle being driven to the reception by Prince Harry.  Her absence from the church ceremony almost overshadowed the bride on social media as royal watchers wondered if there would be a royal wedding in the not-so-distant future.


Kate served as an unofficial bridesmaid to her sister, doing some flower girl and page boy wrangling. There’s a great photo of Kate shushing the kids that made the cover of the Sunday Express.


Kate also helped with straightening her sister’s veil and dress.


In quite a few photos, Kate appears to be looming behind Pippa like acid reflux.


After the ceremony, Prince George had a little mini meltdown.  Reportedly, it was in response to Kate scolding him for stepping on Pippa’s train, but who knows.  He could have been cranky because he’s three and at a wedding.  Princess Charlotte had a couple of moments of being two at a wedding but she was two like a pro and quickly recovered.

The Duchess of Cambridge’s style is always soooo mother-of-the-bride and this dusty peach Alexander McQueen dress which she paired with a Jane Taylor hat and Kiki McDonough earrings was no exception.


It’s totally WKRP in Cincinnati and not in a good way.


I mean, come on, the actual mother-of-the-bride, Carole Middleton, looked more youthful.


Although Carole and Kate both went so heavy on the blush, I couldn’t get Judy Collins’ version of “Send in the Clowns” out of my head.


Send in the clowns
Don’t bother, they’re here

Seriously, the ladies of the Moulin Rouge didn’t wear that much rouge.


Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas

I noticed Kate’s rings were doing an awful lot of slipping.  She was wearing her eternity band so they shouldn’t have slipped that far up towards her knuckle.  Hopefully she’s okay.


While the wedding wasn’t a royal union, the taxpayers still have to pick up the tab for security because of the attendance of the second, third, fourth and fifth in line to the throne.  St. Mark’s church was closed on Friday evening for security sweeps, as were various roads, including the one taken by James and Pippa to the reception in a Jaguar, doing a royal-adjacent wave to those who had gathered to wish the newlyweds well.


Congratulations to the happy couple!



Cambridge Catch-Up

Greetings, All.  My apologies for my absence.  I have a new post on Kate Middleton ready to go but wanted to play a little Cambridge Catch-Up before hitting publish on Thursday’s SportsAid event.

Prince William has had two royal firsts since my last post.  After 33 years of princing, Prince William finally went to the The Royal  Horticultural Society’s Chelsea Flower Show on May 23rd.


The flower show was a first for Kate, too.  When Kensington Palace’s Press Office suggested on social media that Prince Harry was a Chelsea Flower Show tag-along newbie, royal watchers quickly corrected them and reminded them of Prince Harry’s previous appearances.


Even though Prince Harry may come in third in the Palace Press Office hierarchy, royal watchers are getting frustrated with how much Jason Knauf’s PR team keeps dropping the ball when it comes to Harry’s work.  I think Prince Harry’s supporters need a nickname like Beyoncé’s BeyHive.  We could be… the Ginger Rooters?  We’ll work on the name.

At the flower show, Prince William looked just as miserable as one would expect a Reluctant Prince who allegedly thinks flower shows and ribbon cuttings are ridiculous royal duties.


The above Daily Mail screen grab is now one of my very favorite royal photos, mainly because Prince William has never looked more like Bert from Sesame Street than at that moment.


The Daily Mail provided a bevy of snaps for Keeping up With the Kambridges screen grabbing.  Kate was almost all of the Seven Dwarfs in them.







And Happy:


One  Daily Mail commenter thought Kate looked more like a garden gnome than a Disney dwarf, though.


The Chelsea Flower Show also had an incredible installation in honor of The Royal  Horticultural Society’s Patron’s 90th Birthday.


Among the flowers on display were two that had been named after the Cambridge’s children.


Before the show, there was a Kate sighting by a Twitter user.


On the 24th, Kate was papped with Prince George and Princess Charlotte.  Prince George was sitting on a Met Police motorbike with the assistance of four police officers, holding on to the handlebars as he pretended to drive it.  The Cambridge privacy line became even blurrier when media outlets in the UK were permitted to print the photos.


The photos of Prince George were reminiscent of ones taken of Prince William and Prince Harry when they were young.


Perhaps the Cambridge’s objections to having their photos taken “off-duty” has more to do with the story the pictures  tell.  The photos of Prince George on a police motorbike with his mother and  sister nearby are image-friendly, photos of him with his nanny are not.

While the Cambridges seem to be on a campaign to ultimately control  their image using social media, social media itself is uncontrollable.  The motorbike photos which many initially assumed would only appear in overseas publications were Retweeted with Kate’s dress identified in less time than it takes to find Waldo.


Later that day, Kate slipped into the same cream Alexander McQueen coat dress and Jane Taylor fascinator she wore to Prince George’s christening to go with Prince William to his very first Buckingham Palace Garden Party.


Even Kate has gone to those and yet somehow her 33-year-old  blood royal future king husband remained a Buckingham Palace Garden Party virgin until May 24th of this year.

Jennifer @Chic_Happens_ Tweeted a photo of Princess Diana wearing an outfit very similar to Kate’s Buckingham Palace Garden Party attire.  I inserted a photo of Kate next to it for the sake  of easy comparison.  Soooooo, yeah, that happened.


Kate also had her glam squad with her at the Garden Party: PA/stylist  Natasha Archer and her hair stylist Amanda Cook Tucker.   Natasha’s boyfriend, royal photographer Chris Jackson, also managed to score an invite.  According to royal.uk, invites to the royal garden parties are a “way of recognising and rewarding public service”.


Did Amanda Cook Tucker have to swallow a balloon full of wiglets to smuggle them into India or something for this most recent tour?  Nothing about Kate’s garden party hair suggested a need  for an  emergency stylist to be standing by.

Then on May 28th,  the Daily Mail ran a piece on Prince William and Kate taking a private chartered helicopter back to Anmer Hall after Tuesday’s Buckingham Palace Garden Party at a  cost of approximately £5,000.  And the response of DM readers was pretty much what you’d expect.



What I find interesting is that this helicopter had been chartered at all, considering The Queen has a Sikorsky S-76++ registration number G-XXEB which is primarily used by Prince Charles and in July 2014, the Queen leased an AgustaWestland A109S to be used by William, Kate and other members of the Royal Family.  So why the need to charter a third helicopter?  Who was using the other two?  Hopefully Prince  Andrew didn’t swap them in some kind of shady business deal for magic beans.

But then photos of a Cambridge family outing at the Houghton Hall International Horse Trials with blue bows and matching stripes were published by various outlets such as The Mirror bringing a little peace to the land and a bit more haziness to the Cambridge’s privacy expectations.




Hello Sailor-ing with Ben Ainslie

On Friday, Kate Middleton went to Portsmouth for some Hello Sailor-ing with Ben Ainslie who holds four gold Olympic medals and one silver in sailing and is trying to win the 2017 America’s Cup for Britain for the first time in the competition’s history.

Kate interacting  with the very dreamy Ben Ainslie is my very favorite Kate of all.  She’s vibrant, engaged, and doesn’t have that glassy-eyed wide-grinned  glazed look of a Xanax-Percocet combo with Stockholm Syndrome chaser like she did last Sunday at Land Rover Presents The Queen’s Birthday.


Kate is so interested and alert in Ben Ainslie’s presence, I’m not even going to make a joke about this being a check for lobotomy scars.


Kate met with some kids and got a special Ben Ainslie-guided tour around the £12M operations building which received £7.5M from central government funding.  The Daily Mail provided lots of adorable photos from which these screen grabs were taken.


Kate slipped out of her nautical McQueen and the Precious and into something a little more Land Rover-branded.


It was so totally adorable the way Ben Ainslie made sure Kate’s helmet was properly fastened.



Although it’s possible Ben has seen Kate attempt to clap and didn’t want to take any chances with helmet safety.


Kate and Ben obviously get along swimmingly with Kate even baring her teeth which is how I’ve theorized in the past Duchess Limpets signal sexual availability.



Not that I think Kate would actually cheat on Prince William, but flirting with Ben Ainslie is the most normal and relatable thing I’ve ever seen her do. Ben Ainslie is also married with a baby on the way so I doubt he’s guilty of flirting with intent but there definitely seems to be some mutual  chemistry between the two.

Kate and Ben set sail on the Land Rover BAR catamaran.



This was Kate’s seventh official Ben Ainslie event since becoming involved in his bid to bring the America’s Cup to the UK two years ago.  It’s pretty safe to say Ben Ainslie’s America’s Cup bid is the cause closest the Kate’s heart since Kate had around five hours for Ben Ainslie on Friday and yet only twenty minutes to spare for a recent teen suicide awareness talk and none at all for the Irish Guards on St. Patrick’s Day.


Friday’s Portsmouth events saw three outfits and yet Kate rarely even bothers to take her coat off for visits to her other charities, like when she popped into St. Catherine’s Primary School for a Place2Be assembly sing-along earlier this year, her sixth Place2Be event since becoming Patron in 2013.


East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices has only seen Kate four times since becoming their patron in 2012 with the latest official event coming in under thirty-five minutes.  EACH just deals with critically ill children, though, and the America’s Cup is so shiny.


America’s Cup historian John Rousmaniere was quoted in a recent CNN article: “The cost of competing in the world’s oldest continuous sporting event is so “extravagant” that only the very wealthy can afford it.”

The article also noted, “In 2013,  the $100 million price tag for each of the teams meant there were only three challengers.”

BAR (Ben Ainslie Racing) was officially launched on June 10, 2014 at an event attended by the Duchess of Cambridge.  Its initial investors are listed in an October 6, 2014 post on Ben Ainslie’s official site.

In June 2015, BAR was renamed Land Rover BAR.

The aforementioned CNN article indicates, “Ainslie, the most successful sailor in Olympic history with four gold medals, has raised £50 million ($73 million) from various sponsors, including British car brand Land Rover and online trader CMC Markets. He’s targeting £80 million ($116 million).”

I love sailing, many of the happiest moments in my life have been spent on the water.  But this whole Land Rover BAR bid is about a trophy.  Can you imagine the kind of impact $116 million could make on the lives of those struggling in the UK?

I’m also curious about how Land Rover became involved with Ben Ainslie’s bid and if the undisclosed dealings between the British Royal Family and Land Rover is related.  Like maybe every time Kate gets photographed in a Land Rover, a set amount goes to Ben Ainslie’s bid.  A few months after the historic moment of Prince George being  taken home from the hospital in a Range Rover, the Daily Mail ran a piece on the Middletons being given luxury Range Rovers at a deeply discounted rate which was curious timing.  It’s possible Kate arranged some kind of Land Rover sponsorship deal on Ben Ainslie’s behalf in which case at least she would be using her powers for sort-of good.  It would be nice to see Kate’s enthusiasm for Ben Ainslie’s trophy quest applied to her other charities, though.



Day 1 of India/Bhutan Tour

With the time difference, Day 2 of Prince William and Kate’s India/Bhutan is already underway so I’m already behind.  I was awake and a little excited for the tour so I watched the first day unfold on Twitter.  It was more boring than waiting for a YouTube video of someone describing paint drying to buffer.  I randomly asked two royal correspondents to Tweet photos of their shoes but no takers.

Victoria Murphy wrote an excellent article on the importance of this tour for William and Kate.  When I noted in ReTweeting the article that I wasn’t sure if William and Kate even had enough momentum going in to turn around public opinion, Victoria responded, “I think the setting has really helped boost things for them.”

And she is right.  New set, new wardrobe, new guest stars, and the hope that somehow the show’s quality is going to improve.

William and Kate aren’t merely players strutting and fretting upon India’s stage, they also have producing and writing credits.  Not only do they have this fabulous new set, these scheduled events tell their vision of their host country and it’s surprisingly stereotypical: cricket, slums, Bollywood… presumably the snake charmer called out sick.  And I’m not the only one who noticed, this is a comment from a reader in India:

Slums-poverty-bollywood-cricket the stereotypist guide to India. Out of curiosity- doesn’t Kate have a stylist or Google or a mirror? The red dress looked like it was made out of the Taj hotel’s bedsheet collection and the blue dress looked like the nightgowns worn here. What is noteworthy is the negligible coverage of the visit in local press. Not even cricket god Sachin Tendulkar could make these two interesting or newsworthy. I don’t think anyone here is interested in having them back unless they are bringing back the Koh-i-noor with them or at least Coldplay.

So here’s how the first day unfolded:

Kate looked a little Elizabeth Taylor emerging after the flight.


Flight fatigue and what I assume was a handful of tranquilizers became apparent in later photos, but it was an impressive “Bitch I’m Madonna” moment.  After nine hours on a plane, I spark fear that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun.

Kate arrived in bespoke McQueen and LK Bennett “Fern” shoes.  I like the original McQueen and how it was styled, I think it was a missed opportunity for Kate although I think I have to accept that she just can’t accessorize.  Or not suck the life out of clothing… I wonder how much of her diet consists of fashion’s soul.


When the Cambridges arrived at the Taj Palace Hotel, they layed a wreath in memory of victims of its 2008 terror attack and met with staff whose heroic efforts helped save guest lives.

The Cambridges’ lunch was vegetarian.


After a wardrobe change, the Cambridges headed to the Oval Maidan cricket ground.  Kate wore a bespoke tunic dress from Mumbai designer Anita Dongre and Mint Velvet wedges.


Three charities: Magic Bus, Door Step School and India’s Childline, participated in the event.

There were no wardrobe malfunctions, but the wind at one point made Kate look like she was wearing clown pants.


The teased special surprise was a bus ride.

You can't sit with us!

You can’t sit with us!

At the Banganga Water Tank, Prince William and Kate scattered petals in the water.


Prince William and Kate then met with the charity SMILE.


The Cambridges played football in the streets of the slum and there was almost a dance-off instigated by William who then backed out of it.  I noticed Kate got hit in the calf with a soccer ball, I’m not sure if it was an accident or if the kicker in question got to do something that has popped into the minds of many royal watchers at some point  or another.  Impoverished children then asked the Cambridges all sorts of questions about their big house, like how do they like their giant house and how do they call each other and their children in it which for some reason appeared to make William and Kate uncomfortable.

In the evening, William and Kate attended a Bollywood dinner and reception which benefited the charities: Magic Bus, Door Step School and India’s Childline.  Kate wore bespoke Jenny Packham that was beaded in India and earrings by Amrapali.


In a dress that would have looked smurfy on Papa Smurf’s nana, Kate sort of looked like the spinster lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and The Joker.


In a speech, Prince William revealed, “When Catherine and I were married, India was the 1st place on Catherine’s list that she told me that she wanted to visit.”  So after almost a decade of Waitying, Kate suddenly puts together her dream destination list once she could go on these trips on the taxpayer’s dime?

According to actress Madhuri Dixit, “The Duke said he hadn’t watched any Bollywood movies but he represents the British film industry was and interested in collaboration.”

WTF?  Prince William, President of BAFTA and resident of planet Earth has never seen a Bollywood film?  How is that even possible?

Granted, I’m probably a bigger film lover than most, I’ve even taken multiple subways to go see an obscure French vampire film I don’t even think some of its cast had ever heard of, but the BAFTA president couldn’t have watched one or two movies on the nine hour flight in preparation for the event?  Or maybe on one of his many days off from both royal and air ambulance duties?

I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising considering Prince William vetoed Skyfall on the staff’s special Christmas film night and insisted on fucking Twilight and then blew it off.  Seriously, he can’t even make it through one film, how is he going to handle being Head of State?

At least Prince William appeared to have an inkling of what he’s been missing out on in the presence of one of the most beautiful women in the history of the world, actress Aishwarya Rai.



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Remembrance Sunday

Sunday November 8th was Remembrance Day in the UK, a solemn day honoring the sacrifices of war and those who have fallen in current and past conflicts including the First and Second World Wars.

This year, the British Royal Family was joined by King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima in commemoration of the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands from Nazi occupation.  King Willem-Alexander participated in the wreath-laying ceremony at the Cenotaph in Whitehall while Queen Maxima joined Kate Middleton, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office balcony to watch the service.

Because Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is presently on a tour of New Zealand and Australia with Prince Charles, Kate was the most senior  member of the British Royal Family this year on the balcony.  Many royal watchers wondered how Kate would fare in the presence of the dynamic, intelligent, regal, quadrilingual, and accomplished Queen Maxima, especially considering Kate has struggled with event-appropriate demeanor since joining  the British Royal Family.

The Neverland Duchess wore Alexander McQueen for her balcony appearance with the Netherlands Queen.


Kate’s ill-fitting Alexander McQueen coat  was bespoke.   Once  again Kate’s bespoke has left me bespeechless.  I’m baffled how clothing custom-made according to Kate’s measurements and tailored to her body could wind up  looking like it was picked up from an irregulars bin at a flea market.  London is world-renowned for its tailoring, it actually has famous tailors.  One was even awarded the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire for services to tailoring.  So why does Kate keep winding up with couture that looks like a Home  Ec assignment gone horribly wrong?


The only way this would vaguely even make sense is if she had scuba gear on under her coat because she and William were planning on jetting off to Mustique immediately after the service.


Caribbean happy thoughts might explain why Kate kept closing her eyes during the Remembrance Sunday service… her face probably looks a bit different when she closes her eyes and thinks of England.  Kate’s next scheduled event isn’t until the 17th and the Cambridges were rumored to be Mustique-bound in November.

Perhaps thoughts of flight were behind the butterfly fascinator which resembled cat ears, calling to mind the bunny ear pillbox hat of last year’s Anzac Day.


Groucho Marx said, “Humor is reason gone mad.”  I can  only assume Kate’s brows were intended to lighten the mood.


With cracks visible in Kate’s facade,  many wondered how she would hold up as the most senior role alongside the much loved and larger-than-life Queen Maxima, given her past  widely criticized appearances on Remembrance Sunday.

In 2011, Kate joined Camilla, Sophie and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office Balcony, visibly enjoying being royal on a balcony.  A festive Kate smiled and laughed,  played with her hair, made  faces, seemingly not grasping that most people view war and death with sadness.

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Kate’s crack-ups  proved infectious and the normally restrained Sophie lost her composure when Camilla suddenly disappeared from view.  One was not amused.  The following year the Queen appointed her Lady in Waiting, Lady Susan Hussey to the balcony.

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Under the watchful eye of Lady Susan Hussey, the royals scarcely dared to blink.  Kate behaved to the best of her abilities.


Without the  adult supervision of Lady Susan Hussey in 2013, all of Kate’s pent-up crazy from the previous year’s Remembrance Sunday manifested in a flirty hair-twirling lark for the duchess who thought perhaps others might not be so bummed about lost loved ones if her hair looked pretty enough.

2013Row1 2013Row2

In 2014, Kate and Sophie showed up in nearly identical  coats which seemed to have a sobering effect on Kate who was less expressive and exuberant than the previous year.


With the exception of her curiously closed eyes, Groucho Marx brows and questionable headgear, I think Kate did a good job this year on the balcony, but honestly it’s becoming more difficult to tell with diminished expectation.  Kate didn’t burst out laughing during the service honoring fallen servicemen and servicewomen, she didn’t flash anyone or spend an inordinate amount of time checking her extensions or searching her hair for Drops of Jupiter, she didn’t spin around really fast with her arms outspread to see if she could turn into Wonder Woman and she didn’t try to start a Mexican wave on the Foreign Office Balcony.  And maybe  the Catwoman headgear is a positive sign.


Sure, at first the Queen  might be resistant to Catwoman Catherine  but Kate’s only other career aspiration is inherently flawed.



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Princess Charlotte’s Christening

On Sunday July 5th, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was christened at St. Mary Magdalene church where her grandmother, the late Princess Diana, was baptized in 1961.


Dressed in the traditional royal christening gown, the 2008 replica made by Angela Kelly of the 1841 christening gown which had been worn by approximately sixty royal babies until it started disintegrating into lace dust, Princess Charlotte was brought to the church in a vintage pram borrowed from the Queen.  The pram had been used to bring Charles to his christening in 1948.


Baptismal water was obtained from the Jordan River while the Lily Font which also dates back to the 1841 baptism of Victoria, Princess Royal, and the silver ewer from the 1735 christening of George III were brought to the Sandringham church from the Tower of London for Princess Charlotte’s christening.  Special cases had to be designed to transport the ewer and font because they had never left London before.  It was one of the few firsts for the second-born princess.  In fact, other than a selection of five non-royal godparents and a guest list pared down to a mere twenty-two attendees at the private ceremony, the kind of affront to royal etiquette the Cambridges have made the hallmark of their vision of a modern monarchy, the christening of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was otherwise frozen in time. The christening, intended to honor the late Princess Diana, also appeared to be an attempt to summon her ghost.

Replicating a moment from Princess Diana’s life, Prince George was dressed as the sartorial doppelgänger of his father, Prince William, when visiting his mother and brand new brother Harry at the hospital.


This isn’t the first time in recent weeks that Kate has dressed George in clothing identical to outfits the late Princess Diana selected for her own son.  Even if this started off as Kate wanting to please William by paying homage to his late mother, Kate appears to have veered off course and taken up residency in Creepytown which she is probably already redecorating.  Not only is the call coming from inside the house, it’s being made with a Ouija board.

While Kate has on many occasions referenced her late mother-in-law through fashion, the royal whose clothing she copied at Princess Charlotte’s christening was herself circa George’s christening.  At George’s christening, Kate and her sister Pippa appeared to match their cream-colored outfits to George’s christening gown in an attempt to reinforce their status within the British Royal Family.  At Charlotte’s christening, Kate once again went with a monochromatic christening combo of Alexander McQueen and a Jane Taylor hat, this time accessorizing with two matching Middletons.  Dressed in haunting ivory, the Middleton women formed a ghostly trio, spectral incarnations of MacBeth’s Weird Sisters with clutch bag cauldrons, ready to call forth the apparition of Diana.


The Royal Mint coin commemorating Charlotte’s christening, the design for which William and Kate oversaw, included both her middle names and two of the flowers Diana loved most, roses and lilies.

charlotte&georgechristeningcoinsFrom the hiring of Princess Diana’s favorite photographer, Mario Testino, who took the last portraits that Diana ever sat for as the christening’s official photographer, to the selection of Diana’s niece as one of Charlotte’s five godparents, the christening celebration felt more like it drew inspiration from Tobin’s Spirit Guide and the Handbook for the Recently Deceased than it did from little sister Pippa’s Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends.  Even Nanny Maria in her Norland uniform had the unsettling appearance of an old sepia-toned photograph come to life using one of the spells in the arsenal of the Weird Sisters.


It’s natural to want to make a gesture that honors the memory of a loved one who has passed in an important milestone event, it’s a way of including them.  It’s a delicate balance, though, paying homage to a lost loved one should always be done in a way that is also respectful to the living.  We have memorial services and funerals for the dead, christenings are celebrations of new life.  Lost loved ones are already a part of our joyous celebration because those who we love become a part of us, that bond can not be broken by death.

Many of those who believe in life after death have had moments where they feel as if someone they lost was with them somehow, often this happens around the holidays or other important times in their lives.   Spirits are just people without earthly shells, they are drawn to milestone celebrations like marriages and christenings to spend tie with their families as they would have in life, no engraved invitation or breadcrumb trail of mementos required.

Two and a half years ago at a christening held at St Martin’s Church in Canterbury, Kent, an unexpected guest was spotted in one of the baptism photos the Sewell family posted on Facebook, a ghostly apparition who bore a striking resemblance to the baptized baby’s grandfather who had committed suicide seventeen years earlier.  Terry Sewell’s widow, Heather, told the press, “It looks very much like Terry. I know there has been no photo trickery so it is all very spooky and perhaps not what you want to see at a Christening.”


While maybe not everyone is thrilled to have their departed loved ones show up in the christening photos, I kind of think that if Princess Diana appears in any of the pics taken by Mario Testino, the Middletons would be cool with it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Carole would make it her Christmas card.


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Duchess Double Header

Kate Middleton has been shuffling around her calendar, canceling her Red Cross appearance slated for June 12th and showing up at the Buckingham Palace Garden Party on Tuesday the 10th instead of on Thursday the 12th.  Perhaps the newly appointed equerry Captain Florian Graham-Watson will be able to help Lazy Kate’s existing staff with figuring out which engagements she wants to avoid before they get announced to the media.  So what’s going on Thursday June 12th that the Duchess needs to be officially MIA?  Is there a sale going on at Zara?  Is she having © HRH Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge 2014 tattooed on her bum?

As Kate arrived at her first event looking like a drugged zoo animal waking up from transport sedation, I wondered if perhaps the Firm is using more aggressive means to get her to show up at events.  Perhaps they hit her with a tranquilizer dart on her way to High Street or gave her Scratch N Sniff chloroform stickers to play with.


Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Kate’s first Tuesday event was supporting Ben Ainslie’s 2017 America’s Cup bid at the National Maritime Museum.  I can’t imagine British dreamboat and five-time Olympic medalist Ben Ainslie needs royal support for an America’s Cup bid, or even an eBay bid for that matter, but it afforded Kate the opportunity to sport a demure nautical dress by Jaegar in virginal white.


Hello, Sailor! Ben Ainslie & A Wide-Mouth Kate

Of course Kate’s wide-open mouth had all of the refined dignity of a blow up doll.

blowupdollBut it’s not like she could signal sexual attraction by playing with her hair since she does that all the time.


Seriously, ALL THE TIME.


What is going on in her hair that she must always be touching it?  Did the Royal Family implant a tracking device that makes her scalp tingle?  Is there something in there that she’s checking on?  A field mouse or smuggled jewels perhaps?  Is she surreptitiously playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with a tiny magical leprechaun who lives in her hair?  Does she suffer from hair flatulence and therefore constantly has to air out her blowout?


At Kate’s second event of the day, a Buckingham Palace Garden Party, something crapped lace on her head.  I can only assume it was an aerial assault by some fabric defecating bird because I can’t imagine someone wearing this hat on purpose, let alone matchy-matching it to recycled Alexander McQueen.


Meanwhile. Sharon Osborne has criticized Kate’s ever-present black eyeliner, deeming it “so dated and way too hard”.  I wonder if that will help or hinder the social media campaign to get Ozzy knighted.



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Catherine The Great Gazoo

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  After wearing an extremely low cut Alexander McQueen top to Wednesday’s youth-focused events in Adelaide, Kate Middleton showed up to Canberra on the second to last day of the Royal Vacation Tour looking like a straight-jacketed Great Gazoo.


No chance of psychologically scarring small children with some boob exposure like yesterday.  Hopefully no children in Adelaide were so traumatized by Kate’s bared baked bits that they needed to see a therapist, using a doll to show what the Bad Duchess flashed them.

Today Kate’s puppies were on secure lockdown in a Catherine Walker coat dress for the ceremonial tree planting, hour-long tour of the National Portrait Gallery and Parliament House reception.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the Queen had the zipper rigged with sensors and someone at the ready to rip those tired nude L.K. Bennett Sledge pumps off her feet and throw them into a wood chipper if the slider moved a millimeter.  It’s killing me that I blew my last birthday wish on something as lame as wishing for love for all, I totally should have gone with the nude pumps in the wood chipper thing.

Kate’s been a Duchess for three years now, she’s aware she does a lot of bending down to talk to small children and the Adelaide event was an event for youths.  There is absolutely no way it couldn’t have occurred to her that she would be showing far more than was appropriate.

katecleavageflashKate’s had so many wardrobe malfunctions that Megan Doherty of the Canberra Times reported:

It seems even the weather is behaving for Kate’s hair in Canberra today…  The National Arboretum is usually one of the most wind-swept places in the national capital but today we have a stunning, still autumn morning… No wind-related wardrobe malfunctions likely.

Queen Elizabeth II must be beaming with pride knowing the future Queen consort has such a solid record of flashing crowds, reporters are checking weather conditions to see if it’s going to be a T or an A day.

Given that the Arboretum has a reputation for being so windy, the unusually still day probably spared us from more crotch shots.  Her coat dress with its full skirt was made by the same designer who created the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band coatdress Kate was wearing during the New Zealand airport flashing incident.

When I read the below post by Kiki LaShrewd on Royal Dish commenting on Kate’s Canberra attire, I laughed so hard, I think I damaged some internal organs.  Seriously, I keep tasting pennies now.

Ohhhh this outfit will really rein in her exhibitionist tendencies. Or I will be proved wrong in 5 minutes and that skirt will be over her head and the zipper will burst open revealing she is wearing pasties of Diana’s face.

It’s totally messed up that the Duchess keeps putting the goods on display during official engagements.  Is she worried that not everyone got a good enough look at those topless and bottomless pics of her snapped in France so she’s taken the Royal Peep Show on the road?

It’s an embarrassing reflection on the British Royal Family that the mainstream media has to cautiously select which of these laughably-termed “wardrobe malfunction” photos it can publish because of their graphic nature.  Will the Royal Family even be able to let her out in public anymore for fear she is going to expose herself to crowds and cameras?

OMG, maybe  that’s it!  Maybe Lazy Katie is not exhibitionist or an idiot who can’t even figure out the basic physics of keeping her genitalia covered, maybe the Duchess of Doolittle is an evil genius.  Maybe Kate’s plot all along has been to appear so incompetent that the British Royal Family has no choice but to keep her out of the public spotlight.  Lazy Katie just might have figured out how to have the title and perks with none of the responsibility, just be so publicly mortifying, her mandated obligations would become stay home where her bare bottom, vagina and breasts would be safely out of the public eye.

Could it be that Kate Middleton has secretly outwitted all of us?


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Unruly in Uluru

Prince William and Kate Middleton spent their post-Rest Day visiting Uluru in Uluru-Kata Tjuta National Park which is one of Australia’s most breathtaking tourist destinations.  With its sandstone formations, ancient cave paintings and springs, the park is visited by over half a million people each year so it’s a natural stop on Day 16 of the taxpayer-funded Royal Vacation Tour.

The Duchess of Doolittle has bested herself, I didn’t think any frock could possible be more boring than Kate’s When Dove Gray Cries Alexander McQueen Easter coatdress until she arrived in Uluru wearing a Roksanda Ilincic dress in a shade of taupe that should be on suicide watch.  Her hair tried to avoid any association with the dress in a poorly-planned escape attempt but was eventually sedated by Kate’s hair wranglers.


The taupe dress is suffering from several psychological issues, the color is deeply depressed and the dress comes complete with a bipolar burst at the top.


it also seems to have pseudocyesis.  The most common symptom of false pregnancy is abdominal distention, this taupe dress looks more pregnant than Kate did when she went into labor.  Perhaps the reason Kate was holding the Alexander McQueen clutch so closely is because her dress had been using it for morning sickness.


Kate spent around $950 on this taupe mental patient frock so clearly crazy costs a little more.  None of the Queen’s jewels are on display, only an Asprey gold necklace retailing for around $13,500 that gets lost in the insanity of the dress and Kate’s $235 Catherine Zoraida double leaf gold earrings which are barely visible.  Kate’s tired nude LK Bennett Sledge pumps make an appearance, even they look bored.

Then the Duchess of Doolittle reverted back to her dolly dress ways, putting on a repeat Hobbs Wessex dress and a pair of wedges, more conducive to keeping up with Prince William and remaining in the frame of paparazzi shots.  Poor Lazy, still desperate to have one of those Princess Diana magic moment shots.


Lately I’ve noticed in addition to trying to Single White Female her late mother-in-law, Kate Middleton has been emulating another figure, the King of Pop.  Her fidgety hands have finally found their home, on her crotch.


I signed up for Royal Dish, wanting to thank temi for posting the link to When Dove Gray Cries and freethespoon, DuchyDiva, MadMissManton and the Countess of Cows for their kind words.  I still have no idea how to post on Royal Dish, I got sidetracked by pages of hilarious posts, laughing that I’m not the only one who has noticed Kate keeps her hands or her clutch firmly over her vagina.

Obviously it would be much more ladylike if Kate just built a moat around her vagina instead of using her hands as the castle gate.  Her firmly protective use of hands makes me wonder if she’s trying to keep something out of her vagina or if she is trying to keep something from escaping from it.

Kate described her natural birth of Prince George to her friends as “perfect”, making it sound like the future King slid from her vagina on a magical rainbow, the umbilical cord was cut by Bambi and blue birds flew through the window to form a heart over the baby.  KateMiddletonReview and I have discussed how this doesn’t sound like natural childbirth, KateMiddletonReview noted Kate probably went the epidural route and didn’t want to admit it wasn’t as all-natural as she claimed.

What if she didn’t have an epidural, though?  What if Kate’s vagina does shoot magical rainbows?  We’ve been blaming the wind for all of the so-called Marilyn Moments, but what if her dress flying up was due to forceful bursts from underneath the hemlines?  Wouldn’t a “vapid, vain and lazy” commoner climbing her way to McDuchess status make more sense if Kate’s vagina had magical powers?

Or perhaps the reason Kate has her hands so firmly grasped over her crotch is because she read an article about vajazzling and totally got confused.  It’s possible the Queen did let her borrow more jewels, Kate got a little mixed-up how she was supposed to wear them and because of some ill-advised vajazzling, Kate’s afraid they’re going to fall between her wedges during a public engagement which would be terribly awkward.  That probably would get her banned from borrowing anything from the Queen ever again.

Of course it makes more sense if she’s just self-conscious now because of all the pressure from the Palace not to flash crowds.  But not a whole lot about Lazy makes sense so as long as she continues to be so ridiculous, I’ll continue hypothesizing in an appropriately ridiculous manner.


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When Dove Gray Cries

Prince William, Prince George and Kate Middleton are presently enjoying a “Rest Day”, having spent their Easter attending church service at St. Andrew’s Cathedral in Sydney and bringing Prince George to the Taronga Zoo.  Wow, church and the zoo?  On the same day?  It’s madness, I tell you.  No wonder they needed some time off today.

For Easter mass, Kate Middleton chose to celebrate the glorious Resurrection of Christ in Alexander McQueen.  Dove gray Alexander McQueen, a matronly cut in a hue that is the unofficial Spokescolor for Sadness.   This is what it sounds like when dove gray cries:


While most of us were in Easter candy comas, Kate was in a self-induced accessories coma with a beige suede Alexander McQueen clutch, a storm gray Jane Taylor hat and cream colored LK Bennett pumps.

Who pops a neutral with another neutral?  For Easter mass, most women wear bright colors and floral patterns in celebration of the Resurrection and the blossoming of spring.  This outfit is far from celebratory, it looks like something a woman would borrow from her Mom for an assistant bank manager job interview.

Where are the Queen’s jewels?  Thus far we’ve seen the fern brooch, worn a second time I’m assuming because it was too camouflaged by the buttons of Kate’s Lonely Hearts Club Band coat.


If anything could wake up this outfit a bit, it would be a magnificent statement piece from the Queen’s collection.  Did the Queen only trust Kate with the fern brooch given to her by the Women of Auckland in 1953?


When Princess Diana visited Australia in 1983 she was dripping in Royal jewels.  She had so many gems with her, she was using them as headbands.

princessdiana dancingwithprincecharles

There were magical moments where Princess Diana looked breathtaking and regal, something the Duchess of Doolittle hasn’t been able to emulate despite all of her Single White Female attempts of trying to cash in on her late mother-in-law’s iconic status without the effort of earned adoration.  This tour is far more casual, it’s really more Royal Vacation on the taxpayer’s dime than a Royal Tour.  For all its hype, the success of this tour has been resting on the shoulders of a Lazy Duo, a show that’s not drawing the same kind of crowds.  In a National Post article written by Gordon Rayner of The Telegraph, it was noted:

So far the crowds that have turned out to see them in Sydney have been underwhelming; only 3,000 were there to see them arrive at the Opera House, compared with a crowd of 200,000 that turned out to see Charles and Diana in Melbourne in 1983.

It seems the world is far less interested in seeing carefully staged glimpses of the Royal Vacation than was anticipated.  The designer who made the pale yellow floral dress Kate wore to Taronga Zoo asked to not be named.


Fascinating since we’ve been assured by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, the Kate Effect is so strong, it can sell out a single item in minutes and make a designer’s career.  Maybe the designer knew Kate intended to pair the dress with these shoes which look like they smell of feet sweat, fake tanner, patchouli and wasted youth:


The zoo engagement was arranged so Prince George could meet the bilby renamed in his honor.  As always, Prince George nailed his Blue Steel pose.  And in the presence of carrot-weilding royals, the animals struck curious poses:


Meanwhile, Prince William and Lazy Katie who appear happy to use Prince George for photo ops to suit their PR needs are objecting to some paparazzi photos taken of Kate and Prince George on the grounds of Government House at Yarralumla in Canberra.  The deal Buckingham Palace has with the press is they don’t take these private moment photos of them and in return, the Palace leaks some information about the Royal Family so they can sell their papers and magazines.  The paparazzi photos have already been seen on several Australian news channels despite the photos being taken without the permission of the Duke or Duchess.  Right or wrong on the part of the paparazzi, it definitely shows Australia has no intention of playing by Prince William’s rules, the whole ‘Doing It His Way’ as one article laughingly proclaimed, confusing the Royal’s insolence with independence.


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