Tag Archives: British Monarchy

Oh No, Canada!

The Palace must really not want anyone paying attention to the Cambridge not-so-secret French getaway because shortly after it hit the headlines, Kensington Palace announced that William and Kate will be touring Canada in the fall, giving the press something else to write about and the public something else to focus on.

The invitation for the Cambridges to return to Canada had been publicly announced by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who bypassed proper palace protocol.  This is Justin  Trudeau so he gets a pass on his lapse in judgment of putting Canada through another Cambridge tour, at least in my book (Canadian readers might feel differently):

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It was a given the Cambridges were going to go, otherwise it would be seen as a slight to Canada with which the British monarchy wants to maintain a good relationship.  And  as Richard Palmer Tweeted on Wednesday:

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No tinfoil hat is needed to see a correlation between the timing of the French getaway hitting media outlets and the Canada tour being officially announced by Kensington Palace.  There are several possible reasons to employ some good old-fashioned misdirection to divert attention, some of which may require Reynold’s Wrap headgear or at least wishful thinking, like maybe there’s a planned Jeggings Intervention they don’t want getting out.  A more likely reason, though, is the Palace doesn’t want the masses doing the math on this latest getaway.

Even privately funded royal holidays cost  taxpayers who foot the bill for security without ever seeing the amount.  Prince William and Harry’s trip to the US to attend Guy Pelly’s wedding cost UK taxpayers an estimated $84,000 according to an industry source cited in a Daily Mail article.

However, UK taxpayers aren’t the only ones covering security costs for private royal holidays, whenever the British royals travel, they arrange security logistics with local law enforcement.   As one comment from the aforementioned article noted:

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This screen grab from the same DM piece shows just one example of the police protection US taxpayers provided for the “privately” funded trip:

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Turns out taxation with representation isn’t all that great either.  We  don’t get to say of course we want Harry but please keep the petulant one at home.

Sadly, the Cambridges are high risk targets.  In light of the terror attacks against France and ongoing threats, local law enforcement is busy enough without the extra burden of allocating its resources to a private royal getaway.  Additionally the UK government warns on its foreign travel advisory page for France:

There is considered to be a heightened threat of terrorist attack globally against UK interests and British nationals, from groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria. You should be vigilant at this time.

Who booked this trip, Triple Whammy Travel?   Worst Case Scenario Tours?   I love France, it’s felt like a second home to me since the age of 16, I’ve spent more time there than any other country outside of the US.  But other countries are pretty cool, too.  Maybe the Cambridges could check one of those out.  According to Prince William, Kate came up with a travel wish list when they were first married, surely there are a few on there they can’t get taxpayers to fund under the guise of a royal tour.

There’s speculation about who actually went on this French getaway and either scenario reflects poorly on the Cambridges.  If Kate went alone, it undermines the argument that she can’t work more because of her children, but if the entire family went, two high risk terror target  future kings are diverting security resources away from a country under the highest terror threat level and in mourning because of  recent attacks.

Just to give a glance into the huge logistical nightmare Cambridge security is, I will once again quote a recent Herazeus comment:

Think about this…..when Kate goes home to Middleton Towers with George, all security resources in the surrounding villages are re-routed for their safety. All police have to be on high alert for the duration of her stay, ground (vehicles + mounted horse) and air patrol the area. All local hospitals and medical staff are also on high alert in case of emergency trouble.

Now imagine the level of security required in a France on high alert for William and George!!

Or to quantify it, the last time London was on high alert, Kate required 9 RPOs just to attend a wedding at the Dorchester Hotel in London which is a skip and a hop from BP/CH and their security arrangements.

In France, the British and the French will have to provide extra security so these numpties can holiday in safety, but why should they let a terror alert get in the way of their holiday plans?

I think Kate probably traveled to France without her husband and children so likely (and hopefully), the French only have one numpty to deal with.  The French paper’s “several sources” only saw Kate, but if Prince William, Princess Charlotte, Prince George and Nanny Maria were really on the private plane which seats 8 as has been suggested by the British press, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for their Royal  Protection Officers.   Additionally, only two SUVs met the plane according to reports which suggests one royal.  I guess it’s possible everyone scootched, maybe Nanny Maria and the kids went in one while Prince William and Kate were in the other, they just tied the RPOs to the roof like Christmas trees because the luggage for a family of four, a nanny, and their RPOs would take up the remaining interior space but there’s an upcoming Canada tour so we don’t have to think about how they worked out the SUV logistics.  Just know that magic exists, Muggles.

It would have to be one doozy of a spell, though.  This is the convoy when Princes William and Harry were in the US for Guy Pelly’s wedding.

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Thank goodness the Canada tour was announced, otherwise we might feel obligated to count the SVUs and local law enforcement vehicles in the royal convoy.

The announced Canada tour will also help with annual engagement totals for Prince William and Kate.  On Thursday, Express ran a piece by Richard Palmer about the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry being ahead of last year’s numbers thus far but still behind Prince Philip.  Tours like the recent India/Bhutan one are an easy way for Prince William and Kate to get their numbers up without the terribly taxing pretending to care about stuff because travel to and from the tour host country and each destination within counts, as do the greetings.  There’s very little substance and yet each tour racks up dozens of official engagements.  So even with the benefit of one royal tour this year, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are still  trailing behind  Prince  Philip?  Seriously?

On Wednesday, Kensington Palace Tweeted that that the Cambridges have special memories from their first Canadian Tour.

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I think it’s safe to say that tour holds special memories for royal watchers as well.  It was at the Calgary Airport that Kate had her first full bum flash as a duchess.  Call me sentimental, but I get a little misty-eyed just thinking about it.  Of course, that might just be burning from the image permanently  seared in my retinas.   But remember how we all thought it was a rookie mistake that wouldn’t be repeated?   We were so innocent and naive back then.  I miss that.

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Prince George’s Lupogate

Friday was Prince George’s third birthday, one of those rare occasions that usually unites all royal watchers because regardless  of personal feelings about the monarchy, tiny humans are cute.  To my surprise, the first royal story I would see of the day was this one:

AnimalCrueltyAccusationConsequently, one of the first phrases I uttered aloud on Friday was, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”  A photo of a little boy and the family dog became another @KensingtonRoyal-released PR blunder, the July follow-up to Kate’s controversial fur-lined mitten photos released back in March.  The Daily Mail article headline proclaimed:

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A three year old possible future king was branded a “monster” for offering a lick of his white chocolate-covered vanilla Magnum to the Cambridge canine, Lupo, like he was the Second Coming  of Jack the Ripper.  Once again, the Cambridges provided the outrage ammo themselves.

To be fair, the photo is only suggestive.  We don’t know if Lupo even took a lick or if the photographer used twenty empty boxes of White Chocolate Magnum bars consumed by Lupo as a tripod.  However, there’s a legitimate reason many animal lovers bristled at the photo.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released the statement: “It is lovely that Prince George is trying to help keep his family dog, Lupo, cool in these high temperatures.  We would advise people to be cautious when giving their dogs food meant for human consumption as some items, like chocolate, can be highly toxic to dogs and dairy items can be difficult for them to digest.”

The reason dairy is an issue is because many dogs are lactose intolerant.  There are some that don’t seem to have a problem digesting dairy, but in many dairy can cause a range of digestive issues from mild discomfort to vomiting and diarrhea.

Chocolate, however, can be toxic to dogs and the Magnum bar in question is covered in white chocolate.  The potential fatal factor of chocolate usually comes down to the dog’s weight, age, overall health, how much chocolate is consumed and the type of chocolate.  White chocolate is the safest because it has the least amount of theobromine  which is what is poisonous to dogs.  However, the danger in feeding any chocolate at all to a dog is that the pooch can develop a taste for it and take chocolate treat-seeking measures into his or her own paws.  petMD has a helpful chocolate toxicity meter.

It’s pretty hard to screw up the good-will vibes a picture of a little boy and his dog normally produces but once again, Prince William and Kate Middleton have managed to provoke another backlash with well-intended PR photos they hired a professional to shoot.

After Kate’s Mittengate, it was reported that Prince William and Kate Middleton had selected the ski-holiday photos themselves.  In the past I’ve hypothesized that either the Cambridge’s Communications Secretary, Jason Knauf, has gone missing or is the most evil adversary the British Royal Family has ever faced.   The reality appears to be even more unfathomable.  According to a Daily Beast article written in the aftermath of the disappointing Royal Tour of India and Bhutan, Jason Knauf makes around a mere £60,000 while other Press Office staffers are being paid around £30,000.  That kind of money doesn’t buy a lot of fucks for employees to give and no one in my opinion with the kind of experience required to manage the public image of a future Head of State and his wife would take a salary that low.

Curiously, a recent Daily Mail article revealed that the the chief executive of the Royal Foundation of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry makes around £150,000.  Last year, there was outrage in the UK when it was revealed several charity chief executives were making more than six figures.  The article indicated, “While cutting the amount it handed out to charities, the foundation increased its spending on staff. Costs for its 14 employees rose by almost £60,000 in 2015 to more than £914,000.”   So staffing costs were about half the £1.76 million actually given to charities.

With many questioning the role of the monarchy in modern times, it is curious the Cambridges are underpaying their spin doctors while overpaying those working in a field in which high salaries are often a red flag to potential donors.  A proper PR rep would make sure the Cambridges didn’t release controversial photos on platforms in which outrage can be spread with a couple of clicks.

If the British Monarchy wants to use terms like The Kate Effect and The George Effect to justify its cost to taxpayers, then it must also acknowledge the impact its actions have on the public.  According to a Daily Mail article, the shirt Prince George was wearing in his third birthday photos sold out in an hour.  The potential damage caused by those who might mimic the actions of the young prince will never be known nor can it be adequately measured in pounds because for most of us, our dogs are members of our family.

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One if by Land Rover, Two if by Sea

Land Rover, Land Rover send the British Monarchy on over.

On Saturday at the Royal Windsor Horse Show held on the grounds of Windsor Castle, royal photographer and Land Rover owner, James Whatling, was treated poorly by Land Rover, an official partner of the event.   A respected member of the British press, James Whatling has been working as a photographer for nearly two decades and was nominated for Royal Photographer of the Year at the Picture Editors Guild Awards in 2003.  Known for his wit and candor, James Whatling’s Twitter account @JWhatling is a favorite among those who follow the British Royal Family.  Even those who aren’t avid royal watchers and wouldn’t recognize James Whatling by name would have likely seen photos from his impressive portfolio.  So his treatment by Land Rover at the Royal Windsor Horse Show as detailed on his Twitter page is extremely disappointing.

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Not cool, Land Rover.

While there are twenty-eight corporate sponsors for this year’s show. Land Rover is the only one that gets its logo next to that of the Royal Windsor Horse Show throughout their website.  That’s the kind of placement you only get if you shell out the big bucks.

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Ironically the Royal Windsor Horse Show touts media presence at the event on its website as an incentive for companies to become sponsors.

RWHSSponsorshipAnd yet as a member of the media whose presence the Royal Windsor Horse Show uses to entice sponsors, James Whatling was banned from the lounge because of his occupation.

The Windsor Horse Show had Tweeted the admittance policy.

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No mention that the keys to gain admittance had to belong to owners of certain occupations.

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Land Rover has faced a number of discrimination accusations over the years.  On November 17, 2014, a current employee of Jaguar Land Rover working in Birmingham accused the company of “extreme racism” and noted promotions aren’t based on merit or qualification but because they are the “managers own friends and family.”   In an article on birminghampost.co.uk, the company was described as “an aggressive, bullying culture” by Chris Shot who won his case against them for unfair dismissal and disability discrimination.  Shot also noted, “Land Rover puts on a big front about their being an equal opportunities employer but the reality is it’s all about whether your face fits or not.”

Discrimination accusations by customers  tend to be far less common than those made by employees which makes Whatling’s experience all the more surprising.  To quote Warren Buffet, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.”

James Whatling noted that his experience at The Mitsubishi Motors Badminton Horse Trials  was an extremely positive one.

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So why such a difference in  treatment at the two events?  Could it have something to do with the Royal Family’s special relationship with Land Rover, the terms of which are unknown?

It’s been reported that members of the British Royal Family have a deal with Land Rover, getting their luxury vehicles for a small fraction of the cost in exchange for being unofficial brand ambassadors simply by being seen in their vehicles.  Media outlets questioned if Prince George being driven home from the hospital in a £140,000 Range Rover was part  of an agreement.  As one nbcnews.com article pointed out, “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s emergence from London’s St. Mary’s Hospital was captured by the world’s TV cameras with the Range Rover logo prominent as the royal tot was tucked into his car seat.”  A historic moment makes for impactful product placement.  Several months later, the Daily Mail ran a piece on Carole, Pippa and James Middleton being given luxury Range Rovers at a deeply discounted rate.  Does Land Rover really need Carole, Pippa and James spotted driving around in their vehicles to boost sales  or was it the result of a provision worked out by the Cambridges so the in-laws could benefit from their special deal with Land Rover?

In Kate’s recent Vogue UK appearance,  it was noted she drove herself to the location in her Land Rover Defender.   With Vogue indicating  Kate had selected everything from clothes to “the locations used as a backdrop”, a number of people wondered if Kate’s Land Rover visible in one of the shots was product placement, fulfilling some kind of contractual  obligation.

On Sunday, 90th birthday celebrations for the Queen continued at Windsor.  The evening featured 900 performing horses, musical performances and celebrity-narrated highlights from Her Majesty’s life.

Gordon Rayner had predicted a heavy Land Rover presence and he was right.

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And sure enough, a Land Rover appeared hauling a giant  birthday cake.

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Land Rover seems to be using its ties to the British Royal Family to remind the world that despite being owned by India’s Tata Motors which purchased it from Ford in 2008, and with factories in various countries including India, China, and a new facility being built in Slovakia slated to be finished in 2018, it’s still a British brand.  In a Tweet on Monday, it stated, “Rain, mud, horses and royalty. Celebrating Britain at its best.”   It included  a photo of  the Queen appearing to emerge from a royal  Range Rover.

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The relationship between Land  Rover and the British Royal Family becomes even more curious with a quick glance at the automobile manufacturer’s Sponsorship page.  First listed is Land Rover’s support of Ben Ainslie’s bid to return the America’s Cup to Britain, the only cause in which Kate seems genuinely interested.  The next Land Rover sponsorship mention is of the 2015 Rugby World Cup.  As noted in an Express article written by Richard Palmer, “The Queen and her family have taken a close interest in the tournament. The 89-year-old monarch is patron of the RFU, while her grandsons, Princes William and Harry, are are vice-patrons of the Welsh Rugby Union and RFU respectively. Princess Anne is also patron of the Scottish Rugby Union.”  The fourth listed Land Rover corporate sponsorship is Invictus, the driving force behind which is Prince Harry.   The sixth is equestrian sponsorship which is basically everyone in the British Royal Family, minus Kate who is pretend-allergic to horses.

Corporate sponsorship is wonderful but Land Rover’s mirroring the sports-centered interests of members of the British Royal Family suggests there could be far more complex dealings between the British Royal Family and Land Rover than just steeply discounted luxury cars in exchange for the royals being seen in them.  Beyond Prince Harry’s Invictus Games which does tremendous work for wounded, injured or sick service personnel, the rest aren’t humanitarian endeavors.  No one at Land Rover has a soft spot for any of the many worthy causes to help those suffering?

With Land Rover acting as the corporate sponsor of the British Royal Family, what exactly is Land Rover getting for their financial support?  And what are members of the British Royal Family getting in return?  In the Cambridge’s Anti-Press Crusade, will Land Rover-sponsored events become increasingly more unwelcoming to the media under the influence of the royal family, even if it means losing customers?

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Days 6 & 7 – India and Bhutan Tour

The royal bore tour is finally over.  After the plane landed, Prince William and Kate were either headed to Bucklebury as the press reported or the far more likely Anmer Hall where Carole Middleton, who had been taking care of the Half-Blood Prince and Princess, is most at home.  Here’s how the last two pointless days of the India and Bhutan tour and the Dull Duo’s fifth anniversary jolly went down.

On the sixth day of the royal tour, Prince William and Kate Middleton gave the world a reminder they are royal and everything is about them always.  While royal tours are ostensibly to help boost tourism, Prince William and Kate weren’t about to let media access ruin their visit to the Tiger’s Nest monastery, permitting the press only to go half way on the hike, leaving the public to imagine what the rest of the scenery and monastery might like.  I’m picturing Kate with a wine bottle in one hand and cigarette in the other while Prince William sits side-saddle on a tiger, his pants around his ankles while he drools over a centerfold in Douchebag Digest.

This is what the Tiger’s Nest monastery looks like for anyone who wants a DIY mental image of the private official engagement:

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This is what Kate wore:

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No one really knows why.

Perhaps Kate dressed like a character from Robin Hood: Men in Tights for the hike in homage to Bhutan’s national sport, archery.

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Some royal watchers saw other characters.

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Like most of Kate’s clothing this tour, many were left scratching their heads with Janet Street-Porter from the Independent dubbing Kate The Duchess of Drab.

Prince William was flushed and sweaty and even the press pack struggled with their part of the hike.

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On Kate, however, there wasn’t even a whisper of glistening which is surprising because her hair was down and she was wearing a Really Wild leather vest and her Penelope Chilvers boots.  Shiver me Chilvers.

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Various theories were floated as to how Kate appeared to be unaffected by a two and a half hour hike each way, with some attributing her lack of hike glow to sweat-preventing Botox while others suggested she’s in great shape because of her exercise regimen.

Of course, Kate bringing along a glam squad trio on the hike probably helped.

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Not all were impressed with their efforts, though.  Kate’s add-on hair looked like it was made by Mattel.

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A row ensued between the Palace and the press which had gone to great efforts to be there to cover the hike and monastery visit, only to be told the duke and duchess wanted part of the event to be private.  According to an excellent article written by Richard Palmer, “The Cambridges have excluded media from several parts of their tour, prompting tension with journalists who believe the palace has an agenda to try to take control of the message and diminish the role of a media trying to hold them to account.”

Television news crews were the most peeved due to equipment-hauling crankiness.  The Palace tried to smooth things over by allowing a brief interview of Prince William and Kate about what they thought of the hike and monastery.  According to Richard Palmer’s piece, “Palace officials relented after the broadcasters began running pieces a suggesting the  couple were enjoying a taxpayer-funded sightseeing trip without letting the people who paid for it see the results.”  The handful of answers provided by the Cambridges weren’t even akin to tossed crumbs, it was like taking the last piece of cake and then deigning to briefly describe it to the person who didn’t get a piece.

Kate opted to not give a speech on this tour and uttered very few words in public during the engagements so the press had to take whatever it could get, dutifully reporting that Kate said, “I feel very lucky and fortunate to see such beautiful scenery,” and also indicated that the hike was, “a great way to burn off the curry.”

While Prince William has never made a secret of his disdain for the media since he was a boy, he may soon get his wish of them all disappearing, and with them, the monarchy.  At first, it didn’t look like the Express was even going to send royal correspondent, Richard Palmer, because  decreased interest in the couple prior to the tour made the cost a questionable allocation of is resources.  In a piece Camilla Tominey wrote, she indicated, “last week journalists who had travelled thousands of miles at great expense found themselves able to cover just one job a day in Delhi. On several occasions, parts of the tour were deemed “private”.”

In the wake of criticism of being work-shy, Prince William and Kate couldn’t even make it through a week-long tour without asserting their perceived right to also be on a taxpayer-funded holiday.  How much of a break do they need from going on a safari, playing cricket, meeting Bollywood stars and watching people dance?

Like many tourists on holiday, after the Tiger’s Nest monastery hike, the Cambridge’s stopped to pick up some souvenir trinkets.  Prince William got a small bronze tiger and Kate picked out a pair of earrings, borrowing the money from their foreign affairs advisor, Sir David Manning, because carrying cash is for peasants.

Later in the day, Prince William and Kate attended a reception for people from Bhutan who have lived or worked in the UK.

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Hopefully the hosts put out a more substantial spread than just cheesy snacks and a bowl of nuts like the Cambridges did at the reception’s Kensington Palace counterpart.

Kate wore a red Beulah London dress with a poppy print.  Bhutan’s national flower is the rare blue poppy.

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On the seventh day of the royal tour, Prince William and Kate flew from Bhutan to Agra for their Taj Mahal photo op and private tour.  Perhaps all that private holiday time on the taxpayer dime left William feeling a little frisky because Rebecca English made an amusing observation:

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With scorching temps in Agra, royal correspondents and photographers waited around for the photo op.  The Cambridge’s tour of the Taj Mahal also deemed private time.

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1,000 rupees sure doesn’t buy a lot these days.

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Kate wore a dress by Indian designer, Naeem Khan.

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To no one’s surprise, they recreated the iconic Princess Diana Taj Mahal photo.

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Kate’s hair showed that the second biggest con job in the UK is being pulled off by her traveling hair stylist, Amanda Cook Tucker.

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It looks like Amanda Cook Tucker has been using the hair and styling tools from Barbie’s Cut and Style Princess on Kate.

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Before the trip, the Palace released a statement that “The Duke and the Duchess are looking forward to seeing this beautiful place for themselves and creating some new memories as they say thank you to the people of India at the conclusion of this tour.”  Seriously, why does no one in this family send food hampers or flowers or one of those Edible Arrangements where they cut fruit into the shape of flowers? Their pineapple is delicious.  Also, thanks yous don’t usually wind up costing the recipient.

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A spokesperson quoted in a BBC article changed the official tune to, “They made the decision because it is what all visitors to the Taj Mahal do – they sit on the bench with the perfect symmetry of the building behind them.”  Oh, so now they are just tourists like everyone else, that does make everything much clearer then.  The BBC article also supplied a quote from their tour guide which offered a glimpse into Kate’s perspective on this trip: “She said this is the perfect thing to do before their wedding anniversary.”

While the Palace is eager to respin the small crowds in India and a bore of a royal tour into something that looks a little less pointless, the media is less keen on joining in their reindeer games.

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India’s press failed to fall under the fairytale spell the British media has been selling.

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Unfortunately for the British Monarchy, very few buy into the fairytale version anymore.  No matter how hard anyone tries to spin William and Kate, there’s nothing of interest to shake loose.  The Mirror ran an opinion piece by Carole Malone which described the couple as “boring. They couldn’t cobble together a personality between them.”  No matter how great the set, the characters make or break a story and neither Prince William or Kate have much appeal to any audience.

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Is Jason Knauf Fur Real?

This is Jason Knauf, Communications Secretary for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry.

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He looks like the kind of well-groomed, non-threatening generic American model that J. Crew uses to sell cardigans.  While it’s true that pr reps can only be as effective as their clients are cooperative, in recent weeks Jason has started looking like he is either a complete idiot or the most deliciously evil adversary the British Monarchy has ever faced, the kind that from a historical perspective could ultimately make Rasputin look like Funshine Bear.

The Cambridge’s spin doctor has a background in crisis management and started his royal gig in the beginning of 2015.  Jason Knauf replaced former BBC producer, Ed Perkins, who had joined the Palace in 2007 working for the Duke of York, managing his scandals and overseeing the Diamond Jubilee before being assigned to Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge where he lasted two and a half years before deciding on a new career path.  The search for Perkins’ replacement lasted six months, reportedly Prince William wanted someone whose loyalties weren’t divided by connections to other members of the British Royal Family.  So basically, William’s criteria was finding someone who couldn’t be influenced by the guiding wisdom of his father or grandmother.  And really, Her Majesty has only built one of the most globally recognized brands in the world, what could she possibly know about public relations.

Recent pr mistakes by Jason Knauf’s office have led to even more media backlash towards the  Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  The latest likely made both Jesus and Darth Vader facepalm.

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The force of Captain Picard’s facepalm probably blew the Enterprise off course.

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I didn’t even catch this latest goof, but the press sure did.  The Daily Mail ran an article on the mittens Kate wore in the photos released this week  by Kensington Palace on Twitter showing the Cambridges on a ski getaway from all that work they’re not doing.  Kate’s Alexski gloves are lined with possum fur.

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While it’s not surprising a woman who has been photographed wearing a fur hat while hunting pheasant bred for the royally lazy version of the bloodsport would wear fur-lined gloves, it’s shocking that the Palace would release photos of Kate wearing them to the world.  Could they not find a clubbed baby seal for Kate to put a cigarette out on?

The ski glove’s possum fur comes from New Zealand where the marsupial is widely considered a pest because it is a non-indigenous species that was introduced in the 19th century by the fur industry and having no natural predator, possums have wreacked considerable havoc on New Zealand’s flora and fauna.  One land’s pest is another’s protected species, there are even people who (mostly illegally and definitely ill-advisedly) keep possum as pets.  Usually what separates aww from ugh is how much destruction a species causes, in Australia where possums are indigenous, sometimes foxes are regarded as pests even though they bring the internet this kind of snuggle buddy cuteness.

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In NYC, our pests are rats and mice.  Given their plague-spreading history, most wouldn’t put them on their most cuddly list but still wouldn’t stick their hands in the skinned remains of one.

Because of the exposed cruelties of the fur industry and the increased trendiness of its condemnation, spin doctors go to extraordinary lengths to shield their clients from the barrage of criticism that comes from being photographed in fur.  Even celebrities who unabashedly wear fur like Kim Kardashian are aware it’s a controversial topic many feel passionately about.  North West has gotten some serious shade for being papped in it and she’s only two.  Based on the fact that in this photo she’s dressed like her first word was “Nevermore”, I think it’s safe to assume most of North’s fashion isn’t self-selected and we should give the kid a pass.

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For a small child to even be unfairly called a “fur hag” by some illustrates why most in the public eye steer clear of the fur debate, regardless of their personal feelings, it is a hotly debated topic.

Bella Thorne recently posted a photo of herself on Instagram in a fur jacket and in response to the enormous backlash, claimed it was faux fur.  When Instagram fashionistas identified it as an alice + olivia rabbit and fox jacket, the actress quickly deleted her faux fur claim and her reps dealt with the fall-out, releasing the statement Thorne “was told it was faux fur” with the promise she would never wear it again.

The Queen also provoked widespread criticism with her fur-clad Christmas appearance prompting many to take to social media to express their disappointment Her Majesty would even wear her vintage fur, especially since she is a representative of the UK which passed laws over a decade ago prohibiting “the keeping of animals solely or primarily for slaughter for the value of their fur”.

When public figures are already the subject of negative focus, it’s generally not a good idea to serve up more to find fault with on a gilded platter.  Really the only thing the Palace has as a selling-point for Kate is the so-called Kate Effect when people who want to dress like Kate snatch up whatever inventory is left on items Kate waits to wear so people can’t Copy-Kate her.    Every single outfit Kate wears is broken down and written about because she offers such little substance with which to work.  Considering how contrived and manipulated these snaps are, how did no one even think to make sure the Paper Doll Duchess wasn’t committing a pr fur pas?

While I find these pr goofs highly amusing, the British Royal Family might want to check Jason Knauf’s bank account for large deposits coming from the Republican Party because it’s hard to believe anyone with pr experience could screw up this royally.  Especially an American, we invented pr.  Technically, the founding father of spin was Austrian-American Edward Bernays but we staked the claim convincingly enough that the rest of the world bought it.  Quite frankly, the way the pr is being handled for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge is utterly un-American.

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William the Reluctant

Prince William turned 32 on Saturday.  The father, husband and second in line to the throne of England is still no closer to figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up despite the birthright he still views as a birthwrong.  Today he wants to be a helicopter pilot, perhaps tomorrow he’ll want to be a cowboy.  Prince William is a man of many interests, none of which appear to be his role as a future king.

As a child, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and scream, “I don’t want to be king.”  As a teenager his outbursts against his inherited role were chalked up to teenage rebellion.  He resented both the media and his protection detail, shouting at both, “Why won’t you just let me be a normal person?”  When Wills aged past the age of hormonally-explained dissent, Prince Charles attempted to instill in him a sense of duty, resorting to getting third parties like protection officers to convince the petulant prince to embrace his destiny as king.  Now thirty-two, Prince William’s defiance involves less kicking, but he still appears just as reluctant to accept his destiny, a destiny for which his own mother believed that his brother Harry was better suited.

It’s anticipated that Prince William will soon announce that he’s accepted a position as a pilot for East Anglian Air Ambulance and that he, Kate and Prince George will ditch their digs in Kensington Palace which just cost taxpayers $6.8 million to renovate in order to take up residence at Anmer Hall, a hundred and twenty miles north of London.  So much for Kensington Palace being their primary residence.  So much for assuming more royal responsibilities.  So much for a lot of things.

The helicopter pilot gig has been maybe happening since April.  The timing of the announcement coinciding with the release of the Kensington Palace renovation report makes me even more suspicious that William the Reluctant is becoming William the Destroyer, blasting as many holes in the monarchy as he can before he attempts to sink it.  Perhaps the Republican Movement simply isn’t moving fast enough for his taste so Prince William is trying to annihilate the monarchy from the inside.

Throughout his life, Prince William has approached his role as future king with contempt that’s worn many veils, but the underlying issue has always remained the same, Prince William despises being watched.  Realistically, there will always be some level of interest in Prince William either for who he will be or who he could have been.  Whether historically remembered as William the Reluctant or William the Destroyer, the only privilege Wills wasn’t born with was the option to be irrelevant.

This past year was labeled a transitional year by the Palace to explain why Prince William, now in his thirties, is still balking over becoming a full-time royal.  Perhaps like his wife, Kate, Prince William is allergic to things he doesn’t want to do.  Prince William couldn’t even make it through a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge without taking two vacations.  The royal tour of Australia and New Zealand was laughably light on scheduled events, his calendar of official engagements has been as sparse as the hair on top of the heir’s head and now he’s taking another giant step away from the throne with this decision to play pilot.  He can’t have the perks without the responsibilities, he’s either in or he’s out.  So why is he still being considered for the job of king when he so clearly doesn’t want the only part of it that’s beneficial to the people of the UK?

There are those who believe that if Prince William removes himself from the line of succession, the British Monarchy wouldn’t survive, an opinion rumored to be shared by the Queen.  It’s also been suggested that William only presently endures his loathsome role out of deference to his grandmother.  Wait, so Wills has actually been on his best behavior?  I shudder to think what his worst behavior looks like but I imagine it involves plushy orgies, paintball tournaments in Buckingham Palace and Wills riding around on an armored tiger with his robe open and a butter knife raised above his head proclaiming, “I have the power.”

Whether he leaves or stays, it appears more and more likely that the end of the British monarchy will come at the hands of Mr. Kate Middleton.  Prince William’s decision to postpone his destiny by at least another year undermines the future of the British monarchy as taxpayers struggle to see the value in a prince who is more interested in leading a private life than becoming king.  Money from the Sovereign’s Grant that should be spent on upkeep of the palaces is instead being allocated to appease the petulant prince and his lazy wife to the outrage of many taxpayers.  The new helicopter that will be used to shuttle the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle to official engagements from Anmer Hall comes out of the Sovereign’s Grant despite Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace being in urgent need of repairs.  Priceless art and artifacts are in danger of being destroyed by leaky roofs while the whims of Prince William and Kate are being catered to.  If the Firm is unable to adequately manage itself, how effectively can it serve the people of the United Kingdom?  Should the future of the monarchy really be in the hands of someone who is so disinterested in it?  Perhaps it’s better to take their chances with a King Harry who genuinely has a sense of duty rather than a man who is woefully unprepared to be first in line to the throne and take over the Duchy of Cornwall.

I just want to say a quick thanks to gingerboy24 of Royal Gossip for posting the link to my blog.  I’ve tried to join Royal Gossip in the past to thank individuals for their support, but the forum wisely wouldn’t have me as a member.  And of course, thank you to temi for always being wonderful amazing you!

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McQueen Outfits McDuchess in PMS Pink

Prince William and Kate Middleton visited Adelaide today.  The McDuchess went with McQueen, wearing a Peplum top and Pleated A-line skirt in a shade I like to call PMS Pink.

I’ve got a blazer, two sweaters and a top in that exact same shade, purchased during those 24 hours of super-girliness every month right before I turn into a werewolf.  It is hormonally-unbalanced-I-should-have-white-furniture-and-Laura-Ashley-curtains-and-bake-banana-bread blush pink.

As she descended the steps from the airplane, Kate had that glassy-eyed Postcards from the Edge look of a woman in dire need of a Little House on the Prairie DVD set and a pint of Edy’s Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream.

KateGlassyEyed

The events for the day were summarized in an article on the Australian Broadcasting Company site as:

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have met with disadvantaged young people in Adelaide’s northern suburbs, as part of a short visit to the city.

The area has serious problems with a high percentage of unemployed young adults and there’s also the looming specter of joblessness for the area when the local car manufacturer closes.

So how does the Duchess reach the “disadvantaged”?  By being obliviously attired.  The plunging neckline with some supportive help from a well-engineered padded bra provided a few teenagers and queued up small children with a bird’s eye view of her royal décolletage.  Of course, strutting down a catwalk in a sheer dress revealing her bra and panties was how she caught her Prince’s attention so maybe the top she selected was actually career advice for those just starting out.  The cost of what she wore seems a little obnoxious.  Here’s the breakdown for just that one outfit:

Alexander McQueen Peplum top – $961.18

Alexander McQueen A-line pleated skirt- $759.11

L.K. Bennett ‘Natalie’ clutch – $269.25

L.K. Bennett ‘Sledge’ shoe – $345.00

Annoushka Jewellery Pearl drop earrings – $1,834.25

Asprey Gold Necklace – $13,500.00

Ballon Bleu de Cartier Watch – $6,394.64

Amanda Cook Daily Hair Service – $500.00

Eternity Band (Estimated)- $6,500.00

Total: $31,063.43

Add in the cost of Princess Diana’s Engagement Ring valued at $420,650 and Kate Middleton has got $451,713.00 on her body, not including her wedding band.

Because of the sentimental value of the engagement ring, I’ll keep that out of the equation.  Not all of these items were specifically purchased for today, the watch and eternity band were a gift from her husband and I’d pay her to stop wearing those tired nude pumps, but still, $31,063.43 for that one outfit?  Seriously?  Yeah, she looks nice, but does she look so nice that it doesn’t matter that tens of thousands of people in the UK will die this winter because they can’t afford to heat their homes?  Is the outfit more visually satisfying than meals would be to families starving to death?

The British Monarchy is trying to prove it is still beneficial to the people of the Commonwealth.  Maybe they should be less worried about their own self-preservation and more about the people they are trying to retain in the name of the Crown.  A monarchy is an outdated institution, it already has an expiration date, no one knows what it is just yet but it’s very possible Prince George will never be King.  Maybe the best way to prolong the monarchy is to show that those in the line of succession and their consorts actually care more about human beings than outfits, yachting, and wine tasting.

Despite all the designer labels she’s worn, Kate Middleton once said, “By far the best dressing up outfit I ever had was a wonderful pair of clown dungarees, which my Granny made.”

Imagine all of the people who could have been helped with the $31,063.43 worth of clothing and accessories she wore today that pale in comparison to those clown dungarees in her heart.  Her attire just seems so wasteful.

The red Catherine Walker coat that will forever be associated with Kate flashing the New Zealand press upon arrival cost $11,775.00.  Maybe Kate will wear it inside Buckingham Palace, twirling around in front of the Queen to see if she can speed up the whole line of succession thing.  Because other than giving the Queen heart palpitations, Kate really can’t wear that coat outside ever again without all of us associating it with the wardrobe malfunction.  Is this woman really fit to be a future Queen Consort when she can’t even manage the task of not flashing strangers?

I hope Australia and New Zealand do reap some benefit from this Royal Vacation Tour that will make up for millions they spent for the privilege of picking up the vacation tab.  Perhaps both countries will see a boost in tourism so CopyKates can visit the place where Kate played with her hair or the spot where Prince William looked petulant or the area where the Lazy Duo did nothing at all.

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A Royal Excuse To Talk About Diamonds

There are some conflicting reports about the status of Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas’ relationship.  Some are claiming an engagement is imminent while others are speculating that the adorable couple have already split because Cressida was a no-show at the Walking with the Wounded charity event she was reportedly co-hosting with Prince Harry.  Ladies, don’t start bedazzling “I Heart Gingers” t-shirts just yet, there are several legitimate reasons that could explain why Cressy wasn’t there.  First of all, it’s possible she was never actually going to co-host with him at all and that was just a rumor.  Secondly, it’s possible she was sick or had a family emergency.  Or maybe it was because everyone is so eager lately to make their every glance proof that they are marriage-bound, Cressida didn’t want to take the focus off the cause.   When you love someone, you think about things like that.  Recently I made a similar decision, I was concerned my presence could cause distracting speculation that would have been inappropriate for the occasion.  Sometimes the best way to support someone you love is to not be by his side.

It’s understandable why there’s so much excitement over the possibility of Prince Harry getting engaged.  Women especially love engagements, not only because they are celebrations of love, but they also give us a reason to talk about diamonds.

A diamond is really just a mineral made up of repeating units of carbon atoms joined to other carbon atoms by a covalent bond.  Contrary to popular belief, diamonds do not come from coal.  What makes a diamond a girl’s best friend is the high refractive index and dispersion coefficient.  In layman’s terms, light makes them sparkly.

Despite their durability as the hardest mineral, diamonds haven’t always been the go-to choice for engagement rings.  Before the discovery of African diamond mines in the 1870s, diamonds were incredibly rare and expensive.  The most commonly used stones for engagement rings were rubies and opals.  It wasn’t until the late 1930s that diamonds became a popular choice for engagement rings.

The first ever diamond engagement ring was given to Mary of Burgundy in 1477 by Archduke Maximilian of Austria, the diamonds formed the letter M.  The ring sparked a trend among nobility to use diamonds in engagement rings, often incorporating other colored gemstones.  One of the most exquisite diamond/ruby engagement ring combinations was given to Princess Märtha of Sweden by fiancé (and cousin) Crown Prince Olav of Norway in 1928.  It is now worn by Princess Mette-Marit.

Princess Märtha of Sweden's Engagement Ring

Princess Märtha of Sweden’s Engagement Ring

In the British Monarchy, engagement rings with both sapphires and diamonds were the choice for several royal brides including The Queen Mother, Princess Anne, Princess Diana and Duchess Catherine who wears Princess Diana’s ring.  When Princess Diana passed away, Princes William and Harry each were told to select an item that had belonged to their mother.  Prince William chose her Cartier watch, Prince Harry selected her sapphire engagement ring.  Eventually they swapped so Prince William could propose to Kate Middleton with the twelve carat sapphire that had belonged to his mother.

Princess Diana's Engagement Ring

Princess Diana’s Engagement Ring

For Prince Harry’s future wife, that leaves the door open for a new ring.  Princess Diana’s engagement ring is very elegant, but there’s a formality to it that I just can’t see on any girl Harry winds up.  Prince Harry likes the kind of girls who would go camping on purpose.  Adventurous, kind, low-maintenance and of course, blonde.

The “traditional” diamond engagement ring as we know it is actually the creation of diamond cartel De Beers’ marketing campaign that began in 1938.  In 1947, De Beers they introduced the “A Diamond is Forever” slogan that has become part of betrothal’s collective unconscious.  As an enduring symbol of everlasting love, the suggested amount of money that should be spent on the diamond increased from one month of a man’s salary to two.   The diamond engagement ring became a symbol of a man’s socioeconomic status.

These days, engagement rings are more about the women wearing them.  They should reflect her personal style and lifestyle.  More and more women are deciding they aren’t the solitaire types.  The Tiffany and Cartier diamond engagement rings girls used to oooh and aaah over seem a bit uninspired.  Trends are returning to the pre-De Beers campaign days with colored stones being used more and more.  Rings have more personal meaning beyond how much the fiancé makes.

Even though I’ve declined a few marriage proposals (and accepted that one where I assumed he was joking), I never really gave much thought to what kind of engagement ring I would want if I ever did say yes.  Until one day I stumbled across this, my fantasy engagement ring which also comes in white gold and yellow gold.

"Gatsby" Ring in Rose Gold Designer: Heidi Gibson www.heidigibson.com

“Gatsby” Ring in Rose Gold
Designer: Heidi Gibson
www.heidigibson.com

And there’s even a more cost-effective white sapphire and diamond version.

"Gatsby Ring" in White Gold with White Sapphire Designer: Heidi Gibson www.heidigibson.com

“Gatsby Ring” in White Gold with White Sapphire
Designer: Heidi Gibson
www.heidigibson.com

This designer, Heidi Gibson, is a GENIUS.  She creates beautiful pieces at all different price points, offering different size stones and different gems, working within customer budgets and customizing it for the individual.  That kind of flexibility and personalization is what the soon-to-be betrothed are looking for these days.

"Lindy" Ring in Gold with Morganite Designer: Heidi Gibson www.heidigibson.com

“Lindy” Ring in Gold with Morganite
Designer: Heidi Gibson
www.heidigibson.com

One of my favorite engagement rings that moves even further away from the traditional styles of the last seventy years adorns the ring finger of model, socialite and Princess Eugenie pal, Poppy Delevingne.  Unique, yet romantic with its two heart-shaped diamonds flanking the center stone.

Poppy Delevingne's Engagement Ring

Poppy Delevingne’s Engagement Ring

Poppy Delevingne and Prince Harry’s present girlfriend, Cressida, both have a boho-chic aesthetic sense.  Cressida tends to gravitate towards more organic style with romantic prints and flowers in her hair.  A simple solitaire isn’t going to cut it for this boho-chic kitten should she and Prince Harry decide to take a walk down the aisle.  I could see Cressida going for a modern take on floral-inspired engagement rings that became popular in the Victorian era and have been reinterpreted throughout the years.

BeautifulPetra on Etsy has some gorgeous flower-inspired rings, like the Flower Rose Diamond Engagement Ring:

Flower Rose Engagement Ring Designer: BeautifulPetra Available on Etsy

Flower Rose Engagement Ring
Designer: BeautifulPetra
Available on Etsy

The Love in Bloom Ring:

Love in Bloom Ring Designer: BeautifulPetra Available on Etsy

Love in Bloom Ring
Designer: BeautifulPetra
Available on Etsy

And the Rose Diamond Engagement Ring.

Rose Diamond Engagement Ring Designer: BeautifulPetra Available on Etsy

Rose Diamond Engagement Ring
Designer: BeautifulPetra
Available on Etsy

Of course, Prince Harry could always go rooting around in the Royal Family jewelry box to see what gorgeous bauble might be available should he and Cressida choose to become engaged.  The Queen Mother stopped wearing her sapphire engagement ring in favor of a pearl ring around 1950, and I don’t believe that ring has been used by anyone else.  If Prince Harry was looking for an opal engagement ring, he would be hard pressed to find one, the Royal Family is very superstitious about their gems.  Opals are believed by some to bring bad luck to a marriage unless they are surrounded by diamonds or worn by a bride born in the month of October so the British Royal Family steers clear.  They even are apprehensive about rubies in engagement rings, a superstition unique to the House of Windsor.  Given that opals and rubies were the most common stones used in engagement rings by the masses prior to the 1930s, it’s possible the commonness of the stone is what made rubies undesirable to the Royal Family and is at the root of that superstition.  In 1960, Princess Margaret accepted the ruby and diamond engagement ring shaped to look like a rose from Antony Armstrong-Jones.  The marriage ended in divorce, which did not help the ruby’s image in royal eyes.  Of course, the unhappy marriage could have in part been due to Princess Margaret still not being over Peter Townsend, with whom she fell madly in love and wanted to marry but her sister, Queen Elizabeth II, refused to grant permission on the grounds that as a divorced man, he was unsuitable.  Still, the ruby in the engagement ring shouldered some of the blame.  Some were concerned when Prince Andrew gave Sarah Ferguson a ruby and diamond engagement ring.  Their divorce didn’t help the Royal Family’s wariness of engagement rubies either but Sarah still wears her ruby ring from time to time and she and Prince Andrew still care deeply for each other.  Some think the two will eventually get back together again, love triumphing over ruby.  Even though they are divorced, I think they’ve always been and always will be the love of each others’ lives.

I hope there’s another royal engagement soon and not just because I love talking about shiny baubles, but because Prince Harry seems to truly want to settle down and have a family of his own.  Prince Harry has said, “I’ve longed for kids since I was very, very young. And so… I’m waiting to find the right person, someone who’s willing to take on the job.” The women who Prince Harry dates aren’t the type who are after the perks of a royal title, their lives are about more than just salon appointments and shopping trips, they are aware they wouldn’t be just marrying a man, they would be marrying an entire country and with that comes expectation.  I hope Cressida is “willing to take on the job”, everyone deserves to have a love that will last forever.

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All in the Royal Family

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation.  We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives.  Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits.  The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection.  I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family.  I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway.  Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon.  I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on.  I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family.  I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry.  She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles.  Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion.  Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?

cressy&harry

There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny.  She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt.  While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life.  I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean.  Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton.  They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong.  She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies.  Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant?  The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous.  More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie.  The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen.  Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament.  Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away.  E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.

http://www.eonline.com/news/519475/inside-prince-william-and-kate-middleton-s-wacky-maldives-vacation-sex-kits-pillow-experts-and-more

When will the lambs stop screaming?

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.

katerabbitfever

Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation.  The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge.  When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing.  In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over.  When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem.  Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified.  The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well.  They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill.  The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying.  Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work.  If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now.  The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else.  I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off.  I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this?  I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum.  And I’ve always got people telling me what to do.  ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’  Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy.  Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty.  Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system.  No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies.  If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press.  Deal?

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