I feel bad, Kate Middleton has created two huge shiny new controversies for me to blog about and I didn’t get her anything. But what do you get the girl who does next to nothing? In honor of Kate’s new ass bodyguard, perhaps I should send the Duchmess a bag of M&Ms printed with a rendering of her bare ass? I played around on the mymms site with a rendition of the Bild image ***Bare Bum Warning*** and Kate’s exposed rear on the candy that melts in your mouth and not on your hands would look something like this:
Of course, mymms probably has some rule against making ass candy. Maybe her brother’s custom marshmallow company, Boomf, would do it, though. Never hurts to ask.
Pretty much every media outlet is running the story that Kate Middleton will now have a “female minder” to stop her bared bum from being photographed. There are so many things wrong with this story that I’ve been curious if this is some elaborate news prank because if it’s actually true, then the Royal Advisors have been secretly replaced with Androids by the Republican movement. I can only assume Pippa was the prototype for these Androids.
Some media outlets are calling this female minder Kate’s butt bodyguard which is terribly inelegant. I prefer bootyguard. The bootyguard’s job will be to keep new photos of Kate’s bare ass out of newspapers, magazines and online. So basically this bootyguard’s function will be to cover Kate’s ass.
Already I’m picturing some slow-motion movie sequence where this poor bootyguard sees Kate’s hemline lift with a breeze, turns and sees cameras poised, there’s a POV close-up of a photographer’s finger slowly bending as it starts to press the shutter release and the bootyguard yells, “Noooooooooooooooo” as she dives in front of Kate’s bared bum to take the photographic bullet.
Stories have been quoting The Star’s source, “Kate will now be watched all the time. We can’t afford any more embarrassing photos like this.”
Kate, known as Kate Middlebum at Marlborough College because she would moon boys to become more popular, had an identical bare bum flash at the Calgary airport right after her wedding and several other embarrassing exposures in the three years she’s been a duchess. By hiring a bootyguard, Buckingham Palace is admitting Kate is incapable of keeping herself covered. So either she’s so incompetent, she’s unable to crack the correlation between windy conditions and lifted hemlines and/or incapable of putting on her own underwear or she’s an exhibitionist who gets perverse pleasure in exposing herself to strangers. Whether the cause of the issue is incompetence or exhibitionism, apparently it’s so deeply ingrained that the recourse was a bodyguard for her ass. The hiring of the professional ass minder of course means that when Kate exposes herself next time, there will be an appropriate scapegoat to blame since the wind has repeatedly refused to surrender itself to the proper authorities.
Most of us had already gotten all the bare ass puns out of our system so what Buckingham Palace has done is refocus our attention firmly back on Kate’s bum by creating this position. There’s a whole new wave of internet ridicule, plus the occasional cheeky response from men who wouldn’t mind watching Kate’s ass all day like this one that appeared after a Jezebel story:
Another commenter remarked:
The bootyguard will also reportedly be employed for private and public outings. Most of Kate’s outings are private ones, she logged only four official events this year before the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour marred by two separate flashing incidents and only one following her disappearance for five weeks out of the public eye. The British media has restrictions with private photographs so really this around-the-clock butt watch seems a bit asinine.
Buckingham Palace is said to have given the response it doesn’t comment on security. The classification of the bootyguard as security means that the position would be funded by the taxpayer, not the Royal Family. So not only are Kate’s continuous indecent exposures the fault of what the Palace would like us to believe is a paparazzi/wind conspiracy, but now taxpayers have to pay the salary of an ass minder? Seriously, did underwear even get batted around as an answer to the Commando Kate Dilemma? Taxpayers also funded the nine person security team that protected the duchess when she broke an international boycott by attending her cousin’s wedding at the Dorchester, one of the properties owned by the Sultan of Brunei.
The Sultan of Brunei has recently enacted law to increase the punishment for homosexuality from ten years of imprisonment to death by stoning, amputation penalties for theft and the death penalty for adultery. Outraged celebrities have been calling for a boycott of the luxury properties owned by the Sultan, including the Dorchester Hotel in London, The Beverly Hills Hotel (including the famed Hollywood hotspot The Polo Lounge) in Beverly Hills, The Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, Le Meurice in Paris and Coworth Park in Ascot where Princes William and Harry played polo this weekend. Those who are boycotting properties owned by the Sultan include Jay Leno, Ellen Degeneres, Richard Branson, Ryan Seacrest, Stephen Fry, Clive Davis, Jackie Collins, Paul McCartney, Stella McCartney, Sharon Osbourne, Anna Wintour, Vogue’s editors and numerous others, including Kate’s soul sister Kim Kardashian.
The Duchess arrived to the wedding in a blacked-out SUV which drove into an underground parking lot where she snuck through a side entrance to avoid the press, perhaps hoping she’d get away with this without media catching on, after all she’s pulled off secret ski vacations. Her security being upped from her usual four to nine shows how aware the Royal Family was about the effect of her presence would have at a hotel in the press because of its links to human rights violations and the added security concerns of being in a venue that has sparked so much outrage. A Daily Mail source revealed, “The wedding was a big boost for the hotel. It shows that the royals will not let the Brunei business keep them away.”
Her attendance was seen as giving her royal support to the Sultan’s hotel. And taxpayers paid for five additional Scotland Yard protection officers, the price of Kate courting controversy.
Kate went to the Dorchester for her cousin’s wedding. On the one hand, it’s family, but on the other hand it’s family and family understands. My family knows I’m passionate about animal rights, education and gay rights and I stand by my convictions. There are stores where I won’t shop and products I won’t buy if I’m uncomfortable with how the company does business or I’m bothered by how the product is manufactured. Of all my boycotts, Barilla was the hardest. The chairman made some anti-gay comments in September 2013 which they have since had to back-pedal on because of the consumer backlash. It was hard to go cold-turkey on Barilla, there’s probably still grocery store security footage of me standing in front of the pasta section wailing, “Whhhyyyyyy???? Why do you have to be so closed-minded, delicious pasta makers? Whhhyyyyyy?” But I just couldn’t support Barilla, especially given that the few recipes I actually know how to make were taught to me by a gay friend. The reason why people boycott products and services is because boycotting works.
As much as I disagree with Kate’s support of the hotel through her attendance, I find Prince William’s and Prince Harry’s attendance at the Audi Polo Challenge at Coworth Park even more reprehensible. At least Kate had the courtesy to try to avoid being detected, the Princes openly engaged in the match. At least I think sneaking in is better, honestly it’s really hard to tell anymore which is the worst of the worst, it’s like 50 Shades of Unconscionable with that family. This isn’t the first time Wills and Kate have been linked to countries accused of heinous human rights violations, the Maldives where the couple vacationed earlier this year has been criticized for its punishing rape victims for the crime of pre-marital sex, its harsh religious restrictions and laws making homosexuality punishable by death. In May Prince Harry also broke the ban on the Dorchester hotel by hosting the 10th anniversary of his Sentebale Charity there recently. In March it was announced that lithographs of twenty of Prince Charles’ watercolor landscapes are earmarked to be displayed at the Dorchester Hotel as part of the revamp slated to be completed at the end of the year. Really human rights violations don’t seem to be a big deal for the British Royal Family.