Tag Archives: Camilla

2016 Diplomatic Reception

Tonight was the Diplomatic Reception held at Buckingham Palace and while normally royal watchers just get the backseat Bentley shots, this year a formal portrait was taken of the three generations of the British Monarchy.

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The Queen is wearing the Royal Family Orders of King George VI and King George V, Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Prince William are in the Order of the Garter, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is wearing the Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II and Kate looks like a little kid who wandered into the shot, still with no royal order and her crotch clutching preserved for posterity.  Poor Kate, always in some state of disorder.

The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor bestowed on female members of the British Royal Family at the Queen’s discretion.

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Being born royal or marrying into the family doesn’t guarantee the Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, it is an honor that is earned.  Princess Diana and Katharine, Duchess of Kent received theirs during their first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  And after 5 1/2 years of marriage, giving birth to an heir and a spare, Kate, a future Queen Consort, is still playing the Waitying Game.  I guess Kate’s Christmas chutney wasn’t impressive enough to nab that Royal Family Order from the Queen, but maybe McQueen can bedazzle her an Order of Bad Bespoke so she can have something shiny to wear at the Anmer Hall Fortress of Solitude while filling in all that duty-ducking time with her Secret Garden coloring book.

Of course, Kate has had very few occasions to even wear a royal order.  This is only Kate’s fifth time in a tiara.  She wore the Cartier Halo tiara on her wedding day, the Papyrus Lotus Flower tiara at the 2013  Diplomatic Reception and 2015 State Banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping, and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara to the 2015 Diplomatic Reception which was repeated again tonight.

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The Jenny Packham gown Kate wore tonight was also a repeat from the State Banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping last year.

So while the Palace gave the public an unprecedented Diplomatic Reception portrait, once again we get nothing from Kate that we haven’t seen before.

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Back to the Future Heir & Hair

Lately I’ve  been a little  quiet on the topic of Prince William and Kate, there are only so many ways you can describe beige paint drying.  The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge seem far less into the whole being royal thing than the ninety-year-old  monarch who endlessly shows up in my Twitter feed at various engagements.   But here’s a  little catch-up.

Queen Elizabeth II has said, “I have to be seen to be believed.”  According to an April 20th Telegraph article, the only color “she avoids is beige, which does not allow her to stand out in a crowd”.   In contrast, Kate appears to go to great lengths not to even stand out on her own beige couch.  Except of course when it counts.

On Saturday June 11 at Trooping the Colour, Kate managed to make her way  to the front of all the royals waiting to join the Queen and Prince Philip on the balcony.

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When  Kate stepped out on the balcony, she wound up causing a pile-up as she vied for a  prime spot.  Prince Charles had to take Camilla by the hand and gently ease her to the side.

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Because what’s the point of going to Trooping the Colour if you can’t be seen  on the balcony?

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Kate’s efforts not to be obscured because of royal protocol paid off for her.

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For the Trooping  the Colour celebrating her 90th birthday, Her Majesty wore  a nuclear  green coat and dress by Stewart Parvin and matching Rachel Trevor Morgan hat.

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It was the hue equivalent of the toon-killing Dip in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and the vat of chemicals  that turned Red Hood/Jack Napier into Batman’s nemesis The Joker.

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That’s kinda badass.  And the Queen did go a little Her Royal Honey Badger on William on the Trooping the Colour balcony, reminding William that taxpayers do expect to see members of the Royal Family.

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At the Order of the Garter on June 13th, royal-watcher Jennifer @Chic_Happens_ noted that after five years, Kate was finally taking standard royal precautions  against  the elements.

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Given how long it’s taken, did perhaps the Queen have a stern word  with the Serial Flasher?

Her Majesty is known to take a laissez-faire approach to running her family.  With the revelation this week that scandal-prone Andrew took a £5,000  helicopter ride to play a round of golf with the World Bank president (added to the Court  Circular the day after the press inquired about it), the Queen really needs to go full-on honey badger with certain members of her family.

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One of the Queen’s black patent leather loafers should be aimed at the heir to the heir. At a June 22nd EACH charity gala, Prince William could barely hide his boredom.

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EACH-2While Kate still can’t hold a wine glass properly, at least she didn’t look like she deeply resented children with life-threatening illnesses for making gala attendance necessary.

The event was part of the efforts to raise £10million for a new hospice in Norfolk launched in November 2014.  To date, only a quarter of the goal has been reached.  In contrast, a May 27th CNN article indicated Ben Ainslie had already reached £50 million of the £80 million target for his bid to win the America’s Cup.

Both William and Kate looked like a lifetime has passed since Kate  last wore the blush pink Jenny Packham gown she had on at the EACH gala back in 2011.

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How hard  is it being royal?  It’s not like the Cambridges do a whole lot of royaling  anyway.   At the Battle of Somme tribute, they looked like a couple that sits on porch rockers with blankets tucked  around them as they forecast the weather by the aches  in their joints.

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They are 34  years  old, the same age as Anne Hathaway and Eddie Redmayne, William’s Eton classmate.

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In this screen grab side-by-side, the picture of Anne was taken one month  after she gave birth.

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Kate is a fashion pendulum swinging in between sexy and elderly.  At the Battle of Somme tribute, Kate sported a hair net which have only been worn by cafeteria workers and fast food employees in the last 80 years.

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On Wednesday Kate glammed it up at the National History Museum, presenting the Art Fund of the Year award.  She wore a  stretch jersey dress with mesh insets by Barbara Casasola.

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I love this dress and thought it looked gorgeous on Kate.  Not sure what the two buttons are, maybe Kate had panic buttons installed on her bum.

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This level of cling on me would provide the kind of visual horror that would forever haunt anyone who happened  to see me in it.  This dress is not cellulite-friendly but on Kate it looks great.

The off-the-shoulder dress had a  front zip which added both an element of  sexiness and sportiness to it.

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According to Rebecca English’s Daily Mail piece, Kate accessorized with a pair of pink heels that were so high, she wobbled in them.

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And  these were some of the expressions Kate wore in the pics from the same article.

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I would take this entire blog down in exchange for whatever pharmacological grab bag Kate’s got her hands on.  I mean drugs are bad, kids, stay in school.

Kate was back to what she does best on Thursday, sitting in the Royal Box at Wimbledon and meeting celebs.  The Sun has a photo from her Venus Williams Snapchat video, pics of some of the celebs with whom she rubbed shoulders as well as an amusing comparison between Kate and Sansa, listing Kate’s occupation as “Mum of Two”.   It’s always refreshing when the media doesn’t try to pretend she does much in the way of duchessing.

Hope all of you are having the loveliest of summers! Thanks to all who have inquired about me.

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Day 4 – India and Bhutan Tour

First of all, I want to congratulate anyone still following along with this royal tour because I think I’ve lost the will to blink.  I can actually feel my brain glazing over while the stupid spreads through my body like paralyzing neurotoxin.  This tour feels like watching hour after hour of someone else’s vacation footage because, well, that’s exactly what it is.

Many of us have been wondering what the point of this tour is supposed to be.

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These royal tours are claimed to boost tourism but its effects supposedly can’t be measured for a few years, a point at which conveniently there are so many other variables, it’s really impossible to extract any kind of concrete data.  I can’t even commit to the $70 Glamorous maxi dress Kate wore yesterday, I can’t imagine someone spending considerably more on a holiday because Kate Middleton and Prince William went there.  The world already knows about India, far more than the Cambridges seem to.

The tour moment most covered in the international press has been Kate’s flashing moment at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.  I’ve heard that royal photographer, Chris Jackson, who is romantically linked to Kate’s personal assistant, Natasha Archer, captured the most revealing moment, but has decided not to release the photos.  Yeah, that would be super awkward for his girlfriend, plus letting Getty Images have them would probably effect his special access and seat at Wimbledon.  Coming in second is the controversy over the state of Kate’s bare feet revealed at the Gandhi museum.

Other than Kate’s curious boho wardrobe, flashing moment, and previously seen high heel-effected feet, there hasn’t been much to discuss because Kate has opted not to give any speeches or provide anything more than small talk stock comments.

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Day four of the tour was conservation-themed.  William and Kate began the day with a safari in Kaziranga National Park.

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Kate wore a top by RM Williams and Zara biker stretch pants which would have violated my high school’s dress code but Kate thought would be cool to wear as a representative of the UK and the British Monarchy on a royal tour.

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Like we all do on vacation, Kate took some photos during the safari.

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Afterwards, William and Kate spoke to rangers about conservation issues at the Centre for Wildlife Rehabilitation and Conservation.

Not all were impressed with William as champion of conservation.

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Piers Morgan wrote a scathing piece in the Daily Mail.

When royal correspondents and photographers were checking into their hotel, they experienced tremors from the Myanmar earthquake.

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Everyone was fine, though, including the royal couple and their entourage.  Kate changed into a dress by Topshop.

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Prince William and Kate visited the Kaziranga Discovery Centre built by Mark Shand’s charity, Elephant Family.  Mark Shand was the brother of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, so the event was said to have special significance for them.  Neither William or Kate attended Mark Shand’s funeral in 2014, despite both supposedly being in town, although it’s possible they were off on a secret ski vacation before Prince William jetted off to the Memphis wedding festivities of Guy Pelly and Lizzy Wilson.

Both William and Kate played royal nanny to orphaned baby elephants and rhinos.

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They also spoke to local villagers and Prince William filled in a design element on an elephant sculpture.

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Prince William and Kate then hopped their flight to Bhutan, their luggage causing a bit of an airport traffic jam.

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Underwhelming Royal Response to Underwater UK

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
-Sam Ewing, Professional Baseball Player

In December, the UK experienced record-breaking rainfall making it the wettest month in the over hundred years since weather data has been kept. The amount of precipitation has had devastating effects on areas throughout the UK.  In December, more than 16,000 homes in England were flooded, roads collapsed and bridges were obliterated, with Cumbria, Lancashire and Yorkshire the hardest hit.

During the severe weather that besieged the UK, while elected officials played dodgeball with blame and tried to convince citizens that amongst the looming storm clouds, silver linings were somewhere nestled, the response from the unelected royals was for the most part underwhelming.

On December 8th, in the aftermath of Storm Desmond, the Queen stated, “Please convey my sympathy to all those whose homes or livelihoods have been affected by the recent flooding. My thanks got to members of the emergency services, local authorities, military personnel and volunteers who are providing assistance in these difficult conditions.”  Her Majesty is 89 and the Head of State so it’s not like she was going to slip on a pair of Wellies and help residents drag their soaked moldy couches to the curb, but she’s worth about $500 million, maybe she could have sent a few hampers full of snacks so business owners picking through the wreckage of their livelihoods could have a little something to nibble on or perhaps had some bottles of whisky sent over from Balmoral, people who have had everything they own destroyed often appreciate a nip.

One thing I could never understand about members of the British Royal Family is why they always get gifts at engagements, even when visiting areas that have suffered total devastation.  People who have been through horrible tragedies and are trying to scrape the pieces of their lives back together give the unbelievably privileged royals presents as a thank you for their presence.  It’s bizarre.  I’d make for a terrible royal, I would be up all night baking cookies as a little pick-me-up for those who have been through hell, putting together care packages for people whose lives have been ripped apart because I was taught that as a guest, you should never arrive empty-handed.  Shouldn’t the royals be the ones bearing gifts?

Prince Charles is really the only royal who stepped up to help those whose homes and businesses were hit by the flooding.  He responded to the destruction by Storm Desmond in Cumbria by making a personal donation of an undisclosed sum and allocating £40,000 from the Prince’s Countryside Fund to help with the recovery while the Business Emergency Resilience Group set up by Prince Charles provided aid to impacted businesses.  On December 21st, Prince Charles visited afflicted areas of Cumbria.  On New Year’s Eve Prince Charles’ wife Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, became the second working royal to visit the affected regions when she accompanied her husband on a surprise visit to Ballater in Aberdeenshire which had been battered by Storm Frank which caused River Dee to burst its banks.  Prince Charles walked around, expressing his concern to flood victims, but according to resident Dawn Rennie, “drew the line at helping with the mopping up!”

Not that anyone expected Prince Charles to be pushing around a pole with a fibered head around, that’s totally his son’s thing.  Prince Charles did something pretty royally amazing, though, he had the cooks at his Birkhall estate prepare meals for some local residents who had to be evacuated from their homes.  Okay, so he directed people who worked for him to cook for flood victims, but in Royal World these days, that’s practically the equivalent of giving a stranger a kidney.

So where were the rest of the royals?  Well, Prince William was spotted pheasant hunting on New Year’s Day in Norfolk.  Prince Edward, Sophie, and their two children were photographed out on a pheasant hunt a couple of days later.  Apparently the Windsors just didn’t get in enough bloodsport in at the traditional Boxing Day Pheasant Hunt.  If you ever feel in need of being super-bummed out about the cruel realities of these pheasant hunts complete with a story of nearby children being psychologically scarred by one of Prince Philip’s shooting parties, here’s a grim glimpse into the royal bloodsport: http://animalaid.org.uk/h/n/NEWS/news_shooting/ALL/811//

The worst of the floods hit Yorkshire on Boxing Day when Prince Andrew would have been busy killing pheasant and probably unbuttoning his pants after a large meal or just because he’s gross.  But somewhere  along the way someone remembered that Prince Andrew was the Duke of York so a statement was released on December 28th, “I am sorry to hear about the severe flooding across Yorkshire and the devastating impact it is having on so many homes and businesses.  My thoughts are with everyone in Yorkshire that is affected at this time.”  By that time, biker clubs were in Yorkshire guarding evacuated homes and businesses which were being targeted by looters but I’m sure Prince Andrew’s message super-helped out, too.

On January 6th, the 82-year-old Duchess of Kent who is retired from royal duty save for the very rare event and prefers to go by Katharine Kent while she does her charity work quietly and without fuss made a private visit to York.  Before the Duke of York.  But the widely criticized Prince Andrew made his way up there yesterday, talked to some flood victims, did some pointing, and had his umbrella held for him. As the Daily Mail pointed out, the picture of Andrew having his umbrella held for him  was posted by him on his own Twitter account.  Hopefully the roasting he is getting for being too important to hold his own umbrella at least helped to dry out some of Yorkshire.

Unfortunately overnight,  Aberdeenshire got another wave of flooding with River Don bursting its banks.

It’s just too bad that William and Kate are the types of characters who don’t turn up at all.  Their totally sucking might just absorb some of this water, the UK’s had enough.

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Remembrance Sunday

Sunday November 8th was Remembrance Day in the UK, a solemn day honoring the sacrifices of war and those who have fallen in current and past conflicts including the First and Second World Wars.

This year, the British Royal Family was joined by King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima in commemoration of the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands from Nazi occupation.  King Willem-Alexander participated in the wreath-laying ceremony at the Cenotaph in Whitehall while Queen Maxima joined Kate Middleton, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office balcony to watch the service.

Because Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is presently on a tour of New Zealand and Australia with Prince Charles, Kate was the most senior  member of the British Royal Family this year on the balcony.  Many royal watchers wondered how Kate would fare in the presence of the dynamic, intelligent, regal, quadrilingual, and accomplished Queen Maxima, especially considering Kate has struggled with event-appropriate demeanor since joining  the British Royal Family.

The Neverland Duchess wore Alexander McQueen for her balcony appearance with the Netherlands Queen.

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Kate’s ill-fitting Alexander McQueen coat  was bespoke.   Once  again Kate’s bespoke has left me bespeechless.  I’m baffled how clothing custom-made according to Kate’s measurements and tailored to her body could wind up  looking like it was picked up from an irregulars bin at a flea market.  London is world-renowned for its tailoring, it actually has famous tailors.  One was even awarded the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire for services to tailoring.  So why does Kate keep winding up with couture that looks like a Home  Ec assignment gone horribly wrong?

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The only way this would vaguely even make sense is if she had scuba gear on under her coat because she and William were planning on jetting off to Mustique immediately after the service.

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Caribbean happy thoughts might explain why Kate kept closing her eyes during the Remembrance Sunday service… her face probably looks a bit different when she closes her eyes and thinks of England.  Kate’s next scheduled event isn’t until the 17th and the Cambridges were rumored to be Mustique-bound in November.

Perhaps thoughts of flight were behind the butterfly fascinator which resembled cat ears, calling to mind the bunny ear pillbox hat of last year’s Anzac Day.

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Groucho Marx said, “Humor is reason gone mad.”  I can  only assume Kate’s brows were intended to lighten the mood.

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With cracks visible in Kate’s facade,  many wondered how she would hold up as the most senior role alongside the much loved and larger-than-life Queen Maxima, given her past  widely criticized appearances on Remembrance Sunday.

In 2011, Kate joined Camilla, Sophie and Timothy Laurence on the Foreign Office Balcony, visibly enjoying being royal on a balcony.  A festive Kate smiled and laughed,  played with her hair, made  faces, seemingly not grasping that most people view war and death with sadness.

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Kate’s crack-ups  proved infectious and the normally restrained Sophie lost her composure when Camilla suddenly disappeared from view.  One was not amused.  The following year the Queen appointed her Lady in Waiting, Lady Susan Hussey to the balcony.

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Catherine Duchess of Cambridge and Lady Susan Hussey, Remembrance Sunday 2012

Under the watchful eye of Lady Susan Hussey, the royals scarcely dared to blink.  Kate behaved to the best of her abilities.

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Without the  adult supervision of Lady Susan Hussey in 2013, all of Kate’s pent-up crazy from the previous year’s Remembrance Sunday manifested in a flirty hair-twirling lark for the duchess who thought perhaps others might not be so bummed about lost loved ones if her hair looked pretty enough.

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In 2014, Kate and Sophie showed up in nearly identical  coats which seemed to have a sobering effect on Kate who was less expressive and exuberant than the previous year.

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With the exception of her curiously closed eyes, Groucho Marx brows and questionable headgear, I think Kate did a good job this year on the balcony, but honestly it’s becoming more difficult to tell with diminished expectation.  Kate didn’t burst out laughing during the service honoring fallen servicemen and servicewomen, she didn’t flash anyone or spend an inordinate amount of time checking her extensions or searching her hair for Drops of Jupiter, she didn’t spin around really fast with her arms outspread to see if she could turn into Wonder Woman and she didn’t try to start a Mexican wave on the Foreign Office Balcony.  And maybe  the Catwoman headgear is a positive sign.

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Sure, at first the Queen  might be resistant to Catwoman Catherine  but Kate’s only other career aspiration is inherently flawed.

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Lack of Sartorial Variety at Royal Variety Performance

On Thursday night, Kate Middleton and Prince William attended The Royal Variety Performance.

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And she didn’t wear the black lace Alice Temperley.  Instead she wore black lace Diane Von Furstenberg. This is one of Kate’s best looks to date and yet, it falls a little flat.

Don’t get me wrong, she looks lovely.  But she is a beautiful thirty-two year-old woman with nearly limitless resources who could have looked spectacular.

Due to the thrice-repeated Alice Temperly dress, we’ve seen her in floor-length black lace.

KateBlackLaceAliceTemperleyWe’ve also seen that neckline before.

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We’ve even seen it with three quarter lace sleeves.

KateLaceNecklineThis is Kate’s first time representing Her Majesty at The Royal Variety Show.  And she chose the color black which Queen Elizabeth very rarely wears.  Her Majesty believes the monarchy should be visual representations of blossoming hope for the future.  The future that Kate is representing photographs flatly.

In 1962, this is what the then 36 year-old monarch wore to the Royal Variety Performance.

queen1962I’m not a fan of fur, but it was a different time.  Queen Elizabeth looks breathtaking.

Granted, Kate is a duchess married to the second-in-line to the throne and not the reigning queen, but she could have evoked the same kind of glamorous regal grandeur without overstepping her position.

Tonight’s accessories and make-up are unmemorable.

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Kate’s gone with an ever-so-slightly darker version of her smoky-eye and nude lip day make-up which she never strays from despite a self-professed love of make-up.  The earrings are blue topaz circles with diamond accents designed by Kiki McDonough which she’s worn before at a Creative Industries reception and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert.  They are pretty, but certainly not spectacular.  Blue topaz is a semi-precious stone that tends to disappear on skin, the understated design makes these earrings more suitable for an awards luncheon.  From beneath her hem peaked black platform Jimmy Choos as she clutched a black beaded evening bag to her favorite resting spot, no nailpolish to even brighten up her crotch clutching, her hair the same loose chignon that has become one of the very few up-do’s she wears.

Kate’s look this evening is merely slight variations on other looks we’ve seen before.

It’s said that the Royal Variety Show is the least favorite event on the Royal Family’s official calendar, Prince Charles and Camilla have attended on the Queen’s behalf in recent years.  Last year Camilla wore custom Vivienne Westwood gown and a sapphire brooch converted into a pendant.

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That necklace was not on loan from the Queen, but Camilla has on many occasions worn some of Her Majesty’s spectacular jewels, including major pieces such as the Boucheron tiara, the Delhi Durbar Tiara, the Collet Coronation Necklace, and the Greville Diamond Necklace.  To date, Kate has only been lent four pieces: the Cartier Halo Tiara on her wedding day, The Maple Leaf Brooch for the Canada tour, the Nizam of Hyderabad Necklace for the National Gallery Portrait Event earlier this year and the Fern Brooch for the New Zealand tour.  I was curious to see if The Queen would loan Kate any pieces for her first Royal Variety Performance, it would have been the perfect opportunity to dispel some of the swirling rumors that Kate is feuding with the Queen over her work ethic and that the marriage of Kate and Prince William is on shaky ground.  I wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t.  Maybe the Queen was just concerned she wouldn’t get one of the priceless pieces back in case Kate scampered directly back to Bucklebury and feared it would wind up on Pippa demonstrating the perfect keg stand on The Today Show.

So far I’m not impressed with stylist/assistant Natasha Archer’s choices for Kate, if she was involved at all with this look.  Kate looked beautiful but underwhelming.

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Kate Wears Kid Crafts

Currently several media outlets are accusing Kate Middleton of wearing the loom bracelets children have been giving her at events to help her parents sell the kits on their Party Pieces website.  She’s been photographed minutes after putting on the bracelets made for her by young fans and she was STILL wearing them.

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Seriously?

I cannot believe I have to defend Kate Middleton.  Kate Middleton did not invent loom bracelets.  She did not invent children either.  Loom bracelets have been trendy with kids for a while now, her parents would be idiots not to sell them on their website.

Camilla has even been spotted wearing loom bracelets.

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When Kate greets crowds, she will put on jewelry people made her as a gift because it’s a nice thing to do, especially with children.  It’s not just loom bracelets, sometimes she’ll coil a handmade necklace around her wrist a few times and wear it as a bracelet and sometimes she’ll hand the gifted tokens over to her assistant Rebecca Deacon.  Some of the handcrafted jewelry is super ugly, one time she walked around with something on her wrist that looked like it was made out of melted Barbie doll heads, but she seems to genuinely have a soft spot for things people have made for her, especially kids, or at least she makes it look convincing which is all that really matters.   The only story here is Kate Wears Kid Crafts.

I get it, it’s summer, the news is sluggish, it’s hot, everything is just so tedious.  But if we’re going to randomly blame Kate Middleton for stuff, we shouldn’t be accusing her of nefarious plots when she’s doing something nice.  Making kids feel special is the kind of behavior we should be encouraging.  If we absolutely need to blame her for something and there’s nothing else at the moment so we have to make it up, I’ve noticed I’m starting to get some upper-arm jiggle.  Sure, Kate’s not actually responsible for it, but someone has to be and I am utterly swamped trying to take care of all the other things that are wrong with me.

If we’re going to just make up stuff to criticize Kate for, you know what’s super-annoying about her?  She’s probably one of those women who knows exactly what exercise you have to do to get rid of unsightly upper-arm jiggle and she would show you.  Twice.  And the second time she would use the real names of muscles instead of calling them things like “the armpitoid” or “Steve”.  And those Kate-recommended exercises would of course involve free weights.  I pick up my free weights every time I clean my floor, that should totally be enough, it’s not like I’m trying out for the Olympics over here or anything.  I think the mere fact I own free weights should count for something.  So a week after the exercise demo, Kate would probably send you an e-mail with an attachment and you’d get excited for a second because you’d think maybe it’s pictures of Harry getting out of the shower but it’s one of those articles from a fitness magazine, 30 Days to Perfect Arms.  Whoa, what are we like friends now just because Kate showed me some exercise that to be honest I totally tuned out because, you know, ick, exercise?  Talk about needy.  Truthfully, I only brought up the arms thing because I thought maybe she knew the name of a secret magical candy that melted fat and toned muscle, if she’s going to be stingy with the names of stuff I totally made up just now, that’s a little selfish. I don’t think I want to be friends with someone who won’t share her non-existent candy.  Great, so Kate and I aren’t even friends, my arms are still jiggly, I’ve got no photos of Harry getting out of the shower and I still have to defend her about the loom bracelets.

We wanted the Duchess of Cambridge to do her duties which she appears to be fulfilling in appropriate knee-length duchess-attire.  On Monday she was spotted leaving a conference at the Royal Society of Medicine in London and on Tuesday she made a visit to the Blessed Sacrament School to check in on the progress of the M-PACT Plus program which helps families with addiction.

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I would like to think that the Duchess of Cambridge is addressing recent missteps and scandals and is trying to move forward in a positive direction.  I could be wrong, I often am, but I think as a society we’ve gotten so use to being critical of Kate recently it’s almost become fashionable to focus on her failings rather than try to be objective and acknowledge when she is successfully duchessing.  To me her recent efforts suggest she’s trying and because of that, I’m even going to let the bologna curls go this time.

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Duchess at 70th Anniversary of D-Day

Both Kate Middleton’s supporters and critics held a collective breath at her appearances commemorating the 70th Anniversary of D-Day, repeating to ourselves or our higher powers, please, no bare bums, no incessant hair twirling or maniacal Pageant Girl grins, please.  If water has feelings as Gwyneth Paltrow believes then maybe hemlines have sympathy for those who have media-battered by bare bums and giant grins because we were all permitted to coast into the weekend without having to man our positions on either side of the Kate divide.

Kate’s hair was touched, stroked, and fussed with by her fidgety fingers, it was noted Kate was caught mugging for cameras, her eyes drifting from the faces of World War II veterans to camera-wielding press, but we didn’t seem to be in danger from being ocularly assaulted by blatantly inappropriate duchessing on a day that both celebrates the bravery of those who fought to free Occupied Europe from Nazi Germany and honors those who sacrificed their lives.

Operation Overlord, June 6, 1944

Operation Overlord, June 6, 1944

Out of the 156,000 Allied troops who landed in Normandy on June 6, 1944, on-going research reveals at least 4,413 lives were lost in the combined air, land and naval strike that gained a foothold along the northern coast of France and marked a turning-point in World War II as forces continued to advance through a series of offenses.  The Allied troops involved in D-Day which was the start of Operation Overlord were primarily American, British and Canadian, but also included Australian, Belgian, Czech, Dutch, French, Greek, New Zealand, Norwegian, Rhodesian and Polish forces.  The liberation of the western front by Allied forces during Operation Overlord divided Germany’s resources by engaging them in a two-front war that ended almost a year later when Germany surrendered on May 7, 1945.

The 70th Anniversary of D-Day was attended by veterans and world leaders, honoring the contributions of individuals and countries united together against the Nazi regime.  Queen Elizabeth II, who was a mechanic and military truck driver for the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service, was the only living head of state in attendance who served in WWII.

Beginning with the midnight vigil at Pegasus Bridge, one common theme in speeches given at events throughout the day was: humbling.  Truly, those who fought on D-Day were involved in far more than the outcome of a war, they determined history.

The celebrated veterans rubbed shoulders with world leaders and reveled in being in the presence of royalty.  Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall engaged and charmed many veterans in attendance, some of whom greeted her with a genteel kiss on the hand or requested to give her a kiss on the cheek.  Not all were so courtly, as Telegraph reporter Gordon Rayner reported, “A cheeky D-Day veteran rode roughshod over royal protocol today by patting the Duchess of Cornwall on the bottom.”

For those who fought Nazi forces, even the glare of prince spouses or the thought of spending time in The Tower of London wasn’t much of a deterrent when it came to the wives of Windsor.  The Duchess of Cambridge permitted a requested kiss from 88 year-old Arthur Jones.  Jones was quoted as saying, “It was a lovely kiss – she is very sweet and very lovely. I lost my wife 10 years ago, and I’m on my own now, so I don’t get many opportunities for kisses any more.”

That octogenarian’s got game.

In the spirit of the day, I will make but one nitpicky observation, conceding it’s something The Duchess of Cambridge probably had no control over.  This screengrab from a Hello magazine article shows she was given a champagne flute filled with water while honored veterans drank from plastic bottles.

KateD-DayScreenGrab

As someone who profoundly respects the military, I feel at a table full of WWII veterans, Kate is the least impressive one there.  (Feel free to play Snarky At Home Mad Libs with this sentence: At a table full of _______________, Kate is the least impressive one there.)  Kate might have even been embarrassed that she was given a flute when those who fought in Operation Overlord had to unscrew plastic (DIY joke here).  Personally I would have either discreetly asked for a plastic water bottle as well or offered the flute instead to a veteran who had noticeable difficulty opening the bottle, pretending I was using it as an excuse to meet him.  In general, WWII veterans tend to be a flirty bunch, freeing German-occupied Europe does tend to boost a man’s confidence around the ladies.

redheart

 

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Kate Courts More Controversy

I feel bad, Kate Middleton has created two huge shiny new controversies for me to blog about and I didn’t get her anything.  But what do you get the girl who does next to nothing?  In honor of Kate’s new ass bodyguard, perhaps I should send the Duchmess a bag of M&Ms printed with a rendering of her bare ass?  I played around on the mymms site with a rendition of the Bild image ***Bare Bum Warning*** and Kate’s exposed rear on the candy that melts in your mouth and not on your hands would look something like this:

kate'sassm&ms

Of course, mymms probably has some rule against making ass candy.  Maybe her brother’s custom marshmallow company, Boomf, would do it, though.  Never hurts to ask.

Pretty much every media outlet is running the story that Kate Middleton will now have a “female minder” to stop her bared bum from being photographed.  There are so many things wrong with this story that I’ve been curious if this is some elaborate news prank because if it’s actually true, then the Royal Advisors have been secretly replaced with Androids by the Republican movement.  I can only assume Pippa was the prototype for these Androids.

Some media outlets are calling this female minder Kate’s butt bodyguard which is terribly inelegant.  I prefer bootyguard.  The bootyguard’s job will be to keep new photos of Kate’s bare ass out of newspapers, magazines and online.  So basically this bootyguard’s function will be to cover Kate’s ass.

Already I’m picturing some slow-motion movie sequence where this poor bootyguard sees Kate’s hemline lift with a breeze, turns and sees cameras poised, there’s a POV close-up of a photographer’s finger slowly bending as it starts to press the shutter release and the bootyguard yells, “Noooooooooooooooo” as she dives in front of Kate’s bared bum to take the photographic bullet.

Stories have been quoting The Star’s source, “Kate will now be watched all the time.  We can’t afford any more embarrassing photos like this.”

Kate, known as Kate Middlebum at Marlborough College because she would moon boys to become more popular, had an identical bare bum flash at the Calgary airport right after her wedding and several other embarrassing exposures in the three years she’s been a duchess.  By hiring a bootyguard, Buckingham Palace is admitting Kate is incapable of keeping herself covered.  So either she’s so incompetent, she’s unable to crack the correlation between windy conditions and lifted hemlines and/or incapable of putting on her own underwear or she’s an exhibitionist who gets perverse pleasure in exposing herself to strangers.  Whether the cause of the issue is incompetence or exhibitionism, apparently it’s so deeply ingrained that the recourse was a bodyguard for her ass.  The hiring of the professional ass minder of course means that when Kate exposes herself next time, there will be an appropriate scapegoat to blame since the wind has repeatedly refused to surrender itself to the proper authorities.

Most of us had already gotten all the bare ass puns out of our system so what Buckingham Palace has done is refocus our attention firmly back on Kate’s bum by creating this position.  There’s a whole new wave of internet ridicule, plus the occasional cheeky response from men who wouldn’t mind watching Kate’s ass all day like this one that appeared after a Jezebel story:

jezebeljohnsoncomment

Another commenter remarked:

jezebelbuttbodyguard

The bootyguard will also reportedly be employed for private and public outings.  Most of Kate’s outings are private ones, she logged only four official events this year before the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour marred by two separate flashing incidents and only one following her disappearance for five weeks out of the public eye.  The British media has restrictions with private photographs so really this around-the-clock butt watch seems a bit asinine.

Buckingham Palace is said to have given the response it doesn’t comment on security.  The classification of the bootyguard as security means that the position would be funded by the taxpayer, not the Royal Family.  So not only are Kate’s continuous indecent exposures the fault of what the Palace would like us to believe is a paparazzi/wind conspiracy, but now taxpayers have to pay the salary of an ass minder?  Seriously, did underwear even get batted around as an answer to the Commando Kate Dilemma?  Taxpayers also funded the nine person security team that protected the duchess when she broke an international boycott by attending her cousin’s wedding at the Dorchester, one of the properties owned by the Sultan of Brunei.

The Sultan of Brunei has recently enacted law to increase the punishment for homosexuality from ten years of imprisonment to death by stoning, amputation penalties for theft and the death penalty for adultery.  Outraged celebrities have been calling for a boycott of the luxury properties owned by the Sultan, including the Dorchester Hotel in London, The Beverly Hills Hotel (including the famed Hollywood hotspot The Polo Lounge) in Beverly Hills, The Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, Le Meurice in Paris and Coworth Park in Ascot where Princes William and Harry played polo this weekend.  Those who are boycotting properties owned by the Sultan include Jay Leno, Ellen Degeneres, Richard Branson, Ryan Seacrest, Stephen Fry, Clive Davis, Jackie Collins, Paul McCartney, Stella McCartney, Sharon Osbourne, Anna Wintour, Vogue’s editors and numerous others, including Kate’s soul sister Kim Kardashian.

The Duchess arrived to the wedding in a blacked-out SUV which drove into an underground parking lot where she snuck through a side entrance to avoid the press, perhaps hoping she’d get away with this without media catching on, after all she’s pulled off secret ski vacations.  Her security being upped from her usual four to nine shows how aware the Royal Family was about the effect of her presence would have at a hotel in the press because of its links to human rights violations and the added security concerns of being in a venue that has sparked so much outrage.  A Daily Mail source revealed, “The wedding was a big boost for the hotel.  It shows that the royals will not let the Brunei business keep them away.”

Her attendance was seen as giving her royal support to the Sultan’s hotel.  And taxpayers paid for five additional Scotland Yard protection officers, the price of Kate courting controversy.

Kate went to the Dorchester for her cousin’s wedding.  On the one hand, it’s family, but on the other hand it’s family and family understands.  My family knows I’m passionate about animal rights, education and gay rights and I stand by my convictions.  There are stores where I won’t shop and products I won’t buy if I’m uncomfortable with how the company does business or I’m bothered by how the product is manufactured.  Of all my boycotts, Barilla was the hardest.  The chairman made some anti-gay comments in September 2013 which they have since had to back-pedal on because of the consumer backlash.  It was hard to go cold-turkey on Barilla, there’s probably still grocery store security footage of me standing in front of the pasta section wailing, “Whhhyyyyyy????  Why do you have to be so closed-minded, delicious pasta makers?  Whhhyyyyyy?”  But I just couldn’t support Barilla, especially given that the few recipes I actually know how to make were taught to me by a gay friend.  The reason why people boycott products and services is because boycotting works.

As much as I disagree with Kate’s support of the hotel through her attendance, I find Prince William’s and Prince Harry’s attendance at the Audi Polo Challenge at Coworth Park even more reprehensible.  At least Kate had the courtesy to try to avoid being detected, the Princes openly engaged in the match.  At least I think sneaking in is better, honestly it’s really hard to tell anymore which is the worst of the worst, it’s like 50 Shades of Unconscionable with that family.  This isn’t the first time Wills and Kate have been linked to countries accused of heinous human rights violations, the Maldives where the couple vacationed earlier this year has been criticized for its punishing rape victims for the crime of pre-marital sex, its harsh religious restrictions and laws making homosexuality punishable by death.  In May Prince Harry also broke the ban on the Dorchester hotel by hosting the 10th anniversary of his Sentebale Charity there recently.  In March it was announced that lithographs of twenty of Prince Charles’ watercolor landscapes are earmarked to be displayed at the Dorchester Hotel as part of the revamp slated to be completed at the end of the year.  Really human rights violations don’t seem to be a big deal for the British Royal Family.

redheart

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