Tag Archives: Carole Middleton

Pippa Middleton’s Wedding

On Saturday, one of the most famous bridesmaids of the last decade got to be the bride.  Pippa Middleton, also known as the other Wisteria Sister, married hedge-fund manager James Matthews in lavish royal-adjacent fashion.

PippaWeddingDM

Pippa looked beautiful and blissfully happy, reminding us why we all love weddings, even ones we think we don’t particular care about until the media gently reminds us that apathy is not an option.

RoyalArtMusemPippaWedding

I wasn’t particularly a fan of Pippa’s custom guipure lace gown by Giles Deacon and the Maidenhair Fern tiara.  With the lace, high collar, and molded feel of the bodice, it was a little too Victorian Wonder Woman as interpreted by Zack Snyder for my taste.

victorianwonderwoman

But of course, after seeing how jacked Pippa’s arms are now, I wouldn’t say that to her face.

PippaArm

The Daily Mail has a multitude of articles with a vast amount of photos of the wedding, including one in which you can sort of see Meghan Markle being driven to the reception by Prince Harry.  Her absence from the church ceremony almost overshadowed the bride on social media as royal watchers wondered if there would be a royal wedding in the not-so-distant future.

ArthurEdwardsPippaWedding

Kate served as an unofficial bridesmaid to her sister, doing some flower girl and page boy wrangling. There’s a great photo of Kate shushing the kids that made the cover of the Sunday Express.

KateShushing

Kate also helped with straightening her sister’s veil and dress.

AEPippaWedding

In quite a few photos, Kate appears to be looming behind Pippa like acid reflux.

JenniferPippaWedding

After the ceremony, Prince George had a little mini meltdown.  Reportedly, it was in response to Kate scolding him for stepping on Pippa’s train, but who knows.  He could have been cranky because he’s three and at a wedding.  Princess Charlotte had a couple of moments of being two at a wedding but she was two like a pro and quickly recovered.

The Duchess of Cambridge’s style is always soooo mother-of-the-bride and this dusty peach Alexander McQueen dress which she paired with a Jane Taylor hat and Kiki McDonough earrings was no exception.

KateAlexanderMcQueen

It’s totally WKRP in Cincinnati and not in a good way.

WKRP

I mean, come on, the actual mother-of-the-bride, Carole Middleton, looked more youthful.

CaroleMiddletonPippaWedding

Although Carole and Kate both went so heavy on the blush, I couldn’t get Judy Collins’ version of “Send in the Clowns” out of my head.

KateClownBlush

Send in the clowns
Don’t bother, they’re here

Seriously, the ladies of the Moulin Rouge didn’t wear that much rouge.

MoulinRouge

Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas

I noticed Kate’s rings were doing an awful lot of slipping.  She was wearing her eternity band so they shouldn’t have slipped that far up towards her knuckle.  Hopefully she’s okay.

Kate'sRingatPippaWedding

While the wedding wasn’t a royal union, the taxpayers still have to pick up the tab for security because of the attendance of the second, third, fourth and fifth in line to the throne.  St. Mark’s church was closed on Friday evening for security sweeps, as were various roads, including the one taken by James and Pippa to the reception in a Jaguar, doing a royal-adjacent wave to those who had gathered to wish the newlyweds well.

RoyalAdjacentWave

Congratulations to the happy couple!

redheart

signature-copy

The Hair Menagerie

“She lives in a world of her own – a world of – little glass ornaments…”
― Tennessee Williams, The Glass Menagerie

A somewhat belated Happy Easter or a more timely Happy Monday!  My funny bunny, Nightwing, sends his love.

NightwingFunnyBunny

I’m a little behind on royal news due to technical difficulties.  But Apple has reunited me with my resurrected laptop, so time for a little catch-up.

To no one’s surprise, Prince William wound up jetting off to attend the wedding of rumored first love Jecca Craig in Kenya, leaving a fairly impressive amount of pissed off people in his cloud of cartoon smoke.  At least one of William’s co-worker spouses was displeased her husband had to spend yet another holiday away from his family when William got to take both Easter and all of December off.  Many taxpayers were peeved about having to pick up the pricy tab for Prince William’s security detail and private secretary for another international jolly.  And it’s assumed Kate isn’t too happy either that Wills missed out on their daughter’s first Easter to attend the wedding of his ex, although having watched Kate being interviewed for the Queen at 90 documentary, I suspect it’s possible Kate is being kept so heavily sedated, someone probably just stuffed a pillow into that blue sweater William always wears and Kate thinks she and her hubby just had the best Easter ever together.

The bulk of Kate’s contribution to the documentary on the Queen had already been released and discussed by the press: George calls Her Majesty Gan-Gan, the Queen leaves little gifts for her great-grandchildren in their room when they visit and Kate made the Queen chutney for her first royal Christmas.  Not terribly riveting stuff, this is more the sort of information that might be exchanged during small talk at an official engagement, if Kate actually bothered with small talk or engagements.  The Shetland pony featured in the documentary probably offered more insight on Her Majesty than the future Queen Consort did.  The documentary can be viewed in its entirety here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD7dAsNxmrQ

While the Countess of Wessex and the Duchess of Cornwall provided glimpses into the Queen as a woman, most of what Kate had to offer was more on Kate.  In one clip, Kate noted:

“I think she’s so… so engaging.
And I think she’s got the most fantastic smile.
I think even if the Queen says nothing at all but just smiles, she gives people an enormous amount of pleasure.”

Notice a pattern?  I, I, I.  There was an abundance of Is all throughout Kate’s segments.  “I was worried…”, “I thought back…”, “I noticed…”, “I think…”.  I, I, I.

Contrary to popular belief, over-usage of the pronoun I in speech isn’t a mark of narcissism, it’s one of insecurity.  In the documentary, Our Fair Waity sounded like Eliza Doolittle raided Paula Abdul’s medicine cabinet and then tried to leave a trail of pronoun breadcrumbs to help her find her way back to her own thought process.  Kate’s affected posh accent somehow managed to get even plummier and she appeared to be somewhat disoriented trying to maintain its consistency, with words lost in her own nervous laugh or in a rush to make sentences be over.

In one segment, Kate noted, “There’s a real art to walkabouts, everybody teases me in the family that I spend far too long chatting.”  Yeah, I don’t think the walkabouts which Kate rarely does are the problem.  Supposedly, the Royal Family finds Kate’s affected accent to be frustrating because she has to think about how each word should sound and it can take her a while to stammer through a complete thought.  They’re known not be fans of people putting on airs so a middle class girl constantly being a conversational speed bump in an attempt to sound like the poshest one of all naturally wouldn’t go over well.

In two clips, Kate made reference to the Queen taking care of her in a maternal nurturing way, by making sure she was okay at the Leicester engagement when she was without William and by putting out the chutney Kate made her for Christmas which Kate felt, “shows her thoughtfulness, really, and her care in looking after everybody.”

Why does a woman in her thirties and a future Queen Consort need the Queen to look after her as if she’s a child?  If someone as busy as a Head of State needs to stop what she’s doing like the Queen did at Leicester and ask if you’re okay, in all likelihood you are very far from okay.  Maybe the reason Kate usually doesn’t take her coat off at official engagements is because Kate’s Mum has to pin a note inside of them reading, “If found, please return to Carole Middleton’s umbilical cord.”

If there was any doubt before, Queen at 90 solidifies my suspicion that Kate is a walking Tennessee Williams play.  Kate ticks a lot of the same boxes as Laura, the mentally fragile daughter from the Glass Menagerie.  Both need to be taken care of, live in seclusion, become nervous speaking, drop out of commitments, have social circles limited to siblings, have mothers overly intent on making strong matrimonial matches for their daughters, and judging by Kate’s bad tailoring, it’s likely she puts her elongated torso on the same exaggerated level of physical deformity as Laura views her limp.  Substitute glass animal figurines with a wiglet collection and you’ve got a play… just not a woman suited to a role she aggressively pursued for over a decade.  The most striking difference is that Laura is a far more sympathetic character than Kate, Laura was trapped by circumstance whereas Kate built hers brick by boring brick.

The Daily Mail ran an article over the weekend indicating that it’s likely Kate and William will be ditching Anmer life and returning to London so Prince George can attend Wetherby next year.  Maybe the suggestion that the Cambridges will be returning to both London and duty is merely a PR ploy so the masses will think their seemingly endless gap year will be drawing to a close soon, but if they are moving back to London, how exactly is that going to work?  They can’t keep their criticism-provoking actions from the public’s awareness with Anmer Hall’s seclusion acting as a cloaking device and London affords far fewer places to hide the more unflattering aspects of a fairytale that’s looking increasingly Grimm.

redheart

signature copy

 

 

 

 

Kate Middleton’s Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday.  According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.

EmilyAndrewsTweet

Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him.  Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services.  Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.

KateMichaelKors

Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve  and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy.  Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.

Kate&TheQueen

The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.

DMCommentHatchetFace

The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.

DMCommentMiddletonPresence

Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.

Pippa&James

Likely, Pippa’s fur hat was borrowed from Kate since Pippa’s skinned animal corpse cranium cap resembles a microphone windshield.

PippaFurHat

Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.

KatePheasantHunting

Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck.  I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.

caroleattentionorgasm

Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen.  At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.

KateCurtseyToQueen

When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally.  Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all.  Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.KateStPatrick'sDay2013

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.

curtseyhaircloseup

After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died.  According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end.  Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.

redheart

signature copy

Impressions Of Kate

Before Kate Middleton was Kate Middleton, she was Kate Middleton, a young woman described by CG editor Dylan Jones in March 2007 as “probably the most intriguing woman in Britain right now, principally because we know so little about her.”

Really all the world knew about Kate at that time was that she was Prince William’s girlfriend.  She had graduated from St. Andrews in 2005 with a degree in Art History, lived in London in a flat purchased for her by her parents, spent most  of her time with her mother, shopping, was often spotted out with William, she didn’t work and her career aspiration was to become Mrs. Prince William.  The press quoted a friend source as saying, “Kate seems at a loss over her future and just seems to be waiting for Wills to pop the question. She has not settled on a career path.”

After waiting for eight years for William to propose and finally getting the Precious, no one even knew which name she preferred to go, and a Kate versus Catherine debate ensued.  In March 2011, a woman outside of Belfast City Hall finally asked Kate which she preferred to put the matter to rest.  Kate replied, “I’m still very much Kate.”

I guess she forgot to tell William because he started referring to his new wife as Catherine.  Maybe William decided he preferred Catherine to Kate.  I’m sure that  happens all the time with newlyweds.  If I ever get married, I think I’m going to rename my future husband Matthew Gray Gubler.  Or Wolverine.

There were no scandalous stories about the royal bride, Kate, suggesting she was the perfect candidate as a future Queen Consort.  A generation earlier, Lady Diana Spencer had been deemed a perfect royal bride because she was a woman with “a history, but not a past”.  The nineteen year old Diana came from a well-known noble family, had spent time with the royal family  growing up, shared an apartment with friends, had held a few jobs including working as a kindergarten teacher, despite having a pedigree and trust fund, she also did odd jobs cleaning friends’ apartments, working as a baby-sitter and mother’s helper, loved children dearly and was known to be hard-working, kind and a bit  shy.  At 19, Diana had a pristine but promising story for the press to tell and had already worked more than the 29-year-old woman who would marry her son.  Oddly Kate had scarcely left any kind of indication at all she had existed for nearly three decades.

There just weren’t many stories to tell or friends to extoll her virtues to the press.  After university, Kate’s work history consisted of one part-time job infrequently attended and quickly abandoned.  To many classmates, she was entirely forgettable. But, at a reader’s request, I have gathered up the impressions of Kate from those who remembered her before her story was rewritten in order to sell a woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness  and The Royal Doormat, as a perfect fairytale princess.

In September 1995, thirteen year old Kate enrolled in the all-girls boarding school Downe House.  After only two semesters Kate transferred  out because she wasn’t well liked.  The press later ran stories suggesting Kate left because of bullying, the claims were all disproven because they were fabricated with the assumption she had been a boarder, which she never was.  The school’s headmistresses, Miss Cameron, confirmed that Kate was never bullied, describing her as awkward, unhappy, unable to adapt and fit in.

One of the classmates who remembered Kate noted, “You never saw her smile.  I didn’t envy her short brown bob, her boyish figure, nor her eczema, but when it came to height and sportiness she was lucky. I still find it hard to understand that in her year-group of more than 100 girls she did not find a single kindred spirit, not even on the lacrosse pitch, where she was at home.”

Another classmate who was able  to recall Kate scoffed at the idea that Kate had even been teased or given a dirty look, indicated Kate was “regarded as a nonentity” and the other girls “thought she was not worth bothering with.”

Other than an echoed recollection of Kate being a girl with bad skin and sullen look, Kate left no other impression on her classmates.

Kate transferred to Marlborough which was co-ed, thought to be a better match for her because as Miss Cameron explained, “Kate was happier around boys.”  Unfortunately Kate wasn’t at first, her gloom persisted even with boys around because she  wasn’t popular.  According to Gemma Williamson,  “One day they decided to rate each of the girls out of 10. Kate scored badly.  She turned to her mother and on returning from the summer holiday had undergone a transformation.”

After Carole’s summer project of making Kate more appealing to boys by helping her acquire what Williamson described as “a  perfect  body”, a more “confident” Kate discovered she could become more popular with boys by pulling down her pants and show them her bare bum.  “Sometimes jokingly we called her Middlebum, ” Williamson explained. “At 14 she joined other girls mooning boys from their dorm window,” another classmate indicated.  Jessica Hayes recalled that Kate became addicted to mooning and estimated she did it about 80 times before the school intervened.  I’m not really sure how one becomes addicted to mooning, but as someone who was starting to develop a pretty serious Twizzler addiction, perhaps I’m not one to judge.

Marlborough’s staff  has been directed not to speak with anyone about anything Kate did while at Marlborough that would reflect poorly on her image and were specifically instructed to  say no comment about her serial mooning, but some have dished off the record because let’s face it, all teachers are under-paid and under-appreciated for all that they have to put up with.   One of the teachers finally had to pull Kate aside and explain to her that while exposing herself to boys may appear to be an easy way now to become more popular, it wasn’t smart and urged her to consider how constantly exposing herself could come back to haunt her.  Another teacher spoke to a reporter on the condition his identity not be revealed because of the school-imposed gag order on staff.  He described Kate as, “unexceptional.  Anyone who remembers differently is probably talking with the benefit of hindsight.”

Kate was nicknamed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough because of her fixation with Prince William.  Jessica Hayes recalled Kate spending hours pouring over magazine, learning everything she could about the man she vowed to marry.

When Kate’s sister Pippa started Marlborough, Kate became more confident.  Despite being the younger sister, classmates referred to Pippa as the “alpha sister” and Kate as the “beta sister”.  Pippa was more popular, smarter, better at sports and became the captain of Kate’s hockey team.  One classmate noted, “Pippa was slightly tough and, back then, the one with the charisma. No one would ever think of bullying her.”  Despite the age difference, the Wisteria Sisters managed to be together almost all of the time.  In addition to being socially dependent on her sister, Kate was also known as a “Mummy’s girl”.

But that wasn’t the only impression Kate was making.  In the 2000 Leavers’ Yearbook, a classmate wrote, “Catherine’s perfect  looks are renowned but her obsession with her tits are not.  She is often found squinting down her top and screaming, “They’re growing!”

Kate intended on attending Edinburgh when it was announced Prince William was taking a gap year and would be enrolled at St. Andrews the following year, Kate ripped up her acceptance letter and applied to St. Andrews, taking a gap year so she would be in his class.  Part of 19-year-old Kate’s gap year was spent as a deckhand on corporate hospitality boats, mainly serving drinks on yachts for wealthy clients.  The girls wore a polo shirt, navy blazer and their own shorts in black or navy.  Kate was remembered for wearing the shortest of short shorts.  Several male crew members provided pretty much identical quotes as one of the captains: “The thing about her that stood out was her legs and those shorts.”  While the male crew enjoyed asking her to scrub the deck, the captain admitted needing to tell her,  “Kate, would you mind not standing by that hatch when you are serving because it’s a bit revealing for anyone below deck.”   Despite the show she put on, one member described her as “rather prudish”.  Several noted it was obvious Kate had her sights set on a higher class of man than would be working as part of a ship’s crew.

Contrary to the fairytale myth, Kate had already met William prior to St. Andrews.  Paul Horsford reflected on talking about William with Kate in 2001 during her brief gap year stint doing corporate hospitality.  When he commented that maybe Kate would get to meet William at one of the events, she replied, “I’ve already met him once or twice.”

The “once” was during the summer of 1999.  Emilia d’Erlanger, a long-time friend of William’s, brought Kate to “Club H”, Prince’s William and Harry’s den in the cellars of Highgrove.  The “or twice”  was a fleeting encounter at a school event.  Kate failed to make an impression, though, on William.

William and Kate started shacking up during their second year at St. Andrews.  They tried to keep a low profile by dining out early so they wouldn’t be spotted, although given how notoriously cheap William is, it’s possible he was trying to take advantage of Early Bird Specials.  One of their favorite haunts was The Oak Rooms where a quoted observer (it sounds like he was either the manager or owner) noted, “They’re always very affectionate and smoochy.  And, just like ordinary college kids, they always go dutch on the check.”

Once Kate finally got William, her focus shifted to keeping him. She dropped the few female friends she had made who have been very gracious in the press about being frozen out of her life.  One noted, “I don’t even think she dropped us deliberately. But she has to be so careful about where she goes now and all the arrangements that it became more trouble than it was worth.”  A few females did survive the cut: her mother, her sister and a couple of girls who weren’t a perceived threat.

People who encountered Kate at the clubs described her as “rude”, “dour” and “plain”.  One girl dubbed  her Cerberus after the three-headed dog that guards the gates of Hades in Greek mythology for her body-blocking of any girl who tried to approach William.

While the press has printed stories about William’s friends making “doors to manuals” sneers, suggesting they didn’t approve of Kate because of her middle class roots, individuals I’ve spoken have denied such claims.  William’s friends disliked Kate because of her unpleasant personality, flakiness and her off-putting behavior towards them.

During the Waiting Years, Kate had a habit of agreeing to be involved in charity work but then not bothering to respond when contacted and was a no-show at some events she indicated she was keen on attending.  William’s circle felt she acted as if she was above extending common courtesy.

According to one of Kate’s friends, “She has quite a bad reputation for being rude when it comes to responding to letters.  She often fails to RSVP when she is asked to attend events. She once failed to reply to a wedding invitation from one of William’s friends and it didn’t go down very well.”

The characterization of Kate as a “cold, dull, serious girl” by William’s friends in Penny Juror’s book Prince William: The Man Who Will Be King  is one of the most succinct descriptions of Kate’s personality that I’ve heard to date.

Prince  William gave the okay for Penny Junor to speak with friends, classmates and teachers for her book, Prince William: The Man Who Will Be King.  Other quotes from the book offered further insight into The Woman Who Will Be Queen Consort.  One of Kate’s tutors from St. Andrews noted, “She was another girl in a pashmina. When I read about her charismatic personality — well, maybe it’s developed, but it wasn’t that obvious then.”

The experiences of those who have met Kate have differed so drastically from the carefully crafted image that has been packaged for public consumption, some who have not been interviewed for books or articles have come forward on public platforms to share their impressions of Kate.

The comment section of a Jezebel article on Celebrity Encounters contained a contribution from St. Andrews alumni who had been in Kate’s class.  I’ve done some editing due to length, but it can be viewed in its entirety at http://jezebel.com/the-be…-a-dick-to-you-1704797468

The contributor was a student at St. Andrews and tells the story of a close  friend she refers to as Tina who had a class with Prince William (referred to as P-Dubya) and a weekly tutorial with Kate (referred to as the  skinny brunette), which was ten students in the professor’s office once a week.

“…The professor was always late letting students in, and there were no chairs in the hallway, so people would chat and be friendly as they waited.

EXCEPT for this one, very thin, brunette. My friend (let’s call her Tina) recognized her as one of the ‘followers’ of P-Dubya. But my friend was from a country far far away and couldn’t have given a shit (her country had given up the monarchy long ago).

So, Tina has a few tutorials, and she notices that the thin brunette always sits int eh chair next to her. But she never talked to anyone. Tina noticed, however, that the skinny brunette would always look over at her paper, and copy down her answers to the weekly assignments. Tina is super smart and always has all the answers, and is also an arty, anti-establishment person, so she didn’t care. In fact, one week, she went up to the skinny brunette and flat out offered her her assignment, because they had 10 minutes to kill before the professor opened the door, and why not? Skinny brunette looked down her nose at her, said, “I don’t know what you mean” and returned to texting smugly.

Well, no one fucks with Tina. So, the next week, Tina wrote 2 separate assignments. The first one, the actual one, had the answers. The second one was fake. I mean, really fake. She told me she was doing this, and we came up with the most ridiculous bullshit.

Q: When was Pearl Harbor?

A: 1492

I mean, really stupid. Like, NO ONE would believe those answers were real. So class time rolls around, and Tina waits in the hallway with the others. Skinny brunette comes, doesn’t talk to anyone. Door opens, Tina sits. Skinny sits next to her. Tina puts her fake assignment on top, to the corner of her desk. Skinny looks over, obviously copies word by word. Not even blinking.

The assignments were handed in. Tina told me she didn’t know what grade skinny got, and that was one of the last tutorials of the year, so she didn’t have much interaction after that.

TL/DR- Cate is rude, plagiarizes assignments, and dumber than a box of hair.”

Another commenter responded with:
“Can confirm. I chatted with a prof at St. Andrews who had Kate as a student and he told me, “she wrote one good paper. I suspected plagiarism, but could never prove it.a’ He didn’t think much of her.”

Kate being dumber than a box of hair does explain the growing mess of extensions and hair pieces she’s been sporting.  Clearly whatever is happening there, she has been out-witted.

A while back, I was anonymously contacted by a woman I believe was a member of Kate’s staff who shared her own impressions of Kate who she described as being not very bright.  Basically, she  seemed to share the opinion that a box of hair could beat Kate at a game of checkers.  What I found most interesting about what she told me is how Kate perceives herself, as a great mind and puppet-master controlling those around her.

Maybe Kate’s impression of herself is closer to reality than those who have been snickering behind her back at her lack of mental acuity.  Because if you think about it, this woman has managed to spend four and a half years reaping the full benefits of a job she very rarely shows up for, last year accounting for a mere 2.23% of the British Royal Family’s workload.  She has the largest apartment at Kensington Palace, fully renovated at taxpayer expense, a ten bedroom country estate to beige out to her heart’s content, and is supplied with a full staff so she can relax in pampered luxury.  She spends tens of thousands of dollars of her father-in-law’s duchy money annually on clothing and accessories for galas and movie premieres that count as work.  And the most stressful thing she has to deal with is how to fit a lightweight tour in between her luxury holidays.  This might be the most impressive con job in history.  And it’s being pulled off by Kate Middleton.  Or her hair.

redheart

signature copy

Staying Abreast of the Middletons

One of my theories about life is that no family is normal.  Every time I visit my parents, usually familial activities involve tv remote negotiations for shows we rarely wind up watching and highly competitive games of Scrabble.   We don’t play a game or two of Scrabble, we engage in days of intense tournaments and we don’t put the board away until someone cries.  Like many families we have our traditions.  For instance every year at Christmas, my parents tell me they bought me a pony but he died.  Then we watch A Christmas Carol and invite the ghosts that came with the house and the spirits of any visiting family members to join us for Christmas breakfast.

I often describe my family as a cross between the Addams Family and the Hemingways.  Given my own familial quirkiness I feel qualified in being able to identify weirdness in other families.  While no family is totally normal, I feel the Middletons best most in terms of bizarreness.

Last week, Kate Middleton mysteriously was a last minute no-show at the wedding of Bear Maclean and Daisy Dickson.  Instead Kate sent her sister Pippa to stand in as Prince William’s date for the wedding festivities.  Media outlets speculated on Kate’s absence, but the guests were rumored to be far less surprised than stories suggested.  Supposedly members of their group were aware that poor Kate still wasn’t feeling 100% after her breast lift and tummy tuck.

This week, Carole, James and Pippa are in St. Bart’s, probably practicing up for their next holiday in three months.  While snaps of Middletons on holiday are about as rare as Kim Kardashian selfies, this set of Pippa bikini photos featured in the Daily Mail seemed to suggest that maybe Kate wasn’t the only Middleton who possibly got a plastic surgery boost. Pippa looks bustier than her usual 32B cup.

pipparedbikini

For the sake of comparison, here’s a side by side of Pippa now and six months ago in a nearly identical bikini when the Middletons were in Mustique:

pippabikinisidebyside

The red bikini photos also reveal a dark circular shape above her bikini bottoms that kind of looks like a second belly button.

PippaDarkCircle

The theory on Royal Dish is that it’s the pulled up hairline from a tummy tuck.  I’m not sure why Pippa would need a tummy tuck, her stomach has always been pretty flat.  Maybe this was a botched experiment instigated by Carole to see if an umbilical cord could be reattached to adult daughters.  Or maybe Pippa really did need a tummy tuck considering this is how she and her brother James play around on holiday, maybe he accidentally got her pregnant.

pippa&jamesplay

All rumors and speculation of course, but if the Wisteria Sisters did both go in for plastic surgery, did they get a two-fer discount?  Likely Kate would have just gotten a lift and not had implants.  As Kate’s Uncle Gary revealed, Prince William mentioned while having dinner at the Middleton’s several years ago that in terms of breasts, he feels anything larger than a handful is a waste.

I just can’t imagine turning to my sibling and saying, “Hey, let’s get our boobs done and a tummy tuck together.”  I just have a brother, though, so it would be strange, but probably not a whole lot weirder than what appears to go on in the Middleton family.

The other man pictured in the latest Caribbean holiday photos, by the way, is Pippa’s ex, James Matthews.  So I’m not really sure what’s going on here, if Pippa and Nico Jackson are officially over or if maybe Pippa is cheating on both Nico Jackson and James Matthews with her brother James Middleton, it’s just all very confusing and maybe a little too V.C. Andrews.

redheart

 

signature copy

The Middletons Make Their Way Into Buckingham Palace

Not only is Buckingham Palace starting to crumble and in dire need of extensive repairs, it also appears to be infested with Middletons.  Prince William’s in-laws have finally found a crack large enough in the Palace facade to squeeze through and have Middleton Marched their way into Buckingham Palace’s gift shop.

According to an article in the Daily Mail, cartoon Middletons minus James appear alongside members of the British Royal Family in a series of three children’s books about the Royal Baby.  I assume the reason Prince George is referred to as the Royal Baby is because even at two, he was mortified to be named and refused to sign a consent form.  The whole thing sounds so unseemly, I actually walked over to my jewelry armoire and got out a strand of pearls just so I could clutch them.

HappyBirthdayRoyalBaby

In the first book entitled Happy Birthday, Royal Baby!, Carole and Pippa Middleton are running the show as they plan for the Royal Baby’s first birthday.  The illustrations depict Grandma Carole splayed out on top of a balloon, barking orders about more puff while the Queen’s corgis play with the decorations and Auntie Pippa with one of her brilliant party-planning tips reminds the chef to put jam in the jam tarts as she carries the third in line to the throne.  In addition to the uncomfortably realistic birthday take-over by the Middletons, Kate appears to be cupcake confused and wears one as a fascinator.  And in an environmentally unfriendly move, the Queen has her private jet write “Happy Birthday Royal Baby” in the sky, fictitiously adding to the British Royal Family’s very real and widely criticized enormous carbon footprint.

Are the advisors for the British Royal Family suffering from an outbreak of headlessness?  Who okayed this attempt to sell the Middletons in a way that seems straight out of The Boleyn Guide to Familial Self-Destruction?  The public is already suffering fatigue from the Middleton’s media saturation, the constant photos of the Orange One carrying various things throughout London, appearances of the Middleton Matriarch in the Royal Box with a smug serial killer grin and the Furry Marshmallow Man popping up when there are freebies to be had.  To show Carole and Pippa ordering Palace staff around even in cartoon form is to have reached the summit of cluelessness. The public was none too pleased when stories leaked about James using RPOs as his personal valet and Pippa borrowing some Scotland Yard detectives to do a security sweep of a book signing venue.  Plus there are the rumors of Carole being so domineering and unbearable to William and Kate’s staff that they quit.  Reducing a monarchy which still exists in modern times because people enjoy the tradition of pomp and ceremony to cute little doodles devalues the institution. All of the other existing royal families should make fun of them for this.

The books which are being sold in the gift shops of the Royal Residences were written by Martha Mumford who I suspect is secretly working for the UK Republican Party.  Martha Mumford is an anagram for Mud Mat For Harm.  Mud Mat For Harm, indeed.  Coincidence?  Well, yes.

According to the Daily Mail article, “a portion of the profits goes to the upkeep of the Royal Collection.”  It kinda makes you wonder where the rest of the profits are going.

The craziest thing about these children books featuring the Middletons and Windsors is that everyone featured within the pages had to give consent to this tackiness.  I shudder to think what the future holds for the monarchy, how long it will be before Buckingham Palace becomes a mall filled with new commercial endeavors like Pippa’s Spray Tan Booths and James’ Doomed Confections.

redheart

signature copy

Kate’s True Colours

On Wednesday, Kate Middleton showed her true colours and took a break from her extended maternity leave to enjoy the royal perk of prime Wimbledon seats.  Dressed in a new vibrant red LK Bennett dress with a new haircut and what looks to be new hair extensions, Kate’s appearance seemed like a classic post-break-up f.u. move, getting all glammed up in attention-grabbing red with altered locks to symbolize a new chapter in life while dancing to Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive on the inside in order to show the ex it’s his loss.

KateWimbledonClapping

I’m not really sure what split in Kate’s mind could have provoked this classic Kate break-up move. Kate never even flirted with Work so it’s not like that relationship could have ended and if Kate and Sense of Duty ever were really together, it obviously ended ages ago.  Kate and Black Eyeliner are still hot and heavy and going by recent paparazzi photos, Kate and Jeggings are still very much an item.  Perhaps Kate finally ended it with Pretending to Care, a pre-emptive strike against those who would question why Kate couldn’t be bothered showing up at the 7/7 Memorial the day before but could be coaxed out of extended maternity leave in order to sit in the Royal Box at Wimbledon.

KateonWillsShoulder

Do you have any chloroform on you, Darling? I want to invite Andy Murray over to Anmer to play.

Unfortunately, the Palace does still have to promote the whole Kate Charade and scramble for ways to hide the fact that Kate can’t be bothered with the responsibilities that came with the Duchess title for which she waited around eight years to have.  Even though Kate is on extended maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, the Palace is hard at work creatively padding her event numbers because her paltry annual engagement totals are always at the bottom of the family’s list.  The birth of Charlotte and Sunday’s christening showed up in the Court Circular as official engagements for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

CharlotteChristeningCourtCircular

Granted, being in labor is the closest thing Kate will ever get to work, but a private christening attended by twenty-two people from which even members of the British Royal Family were excluded counts as an official engagement?  Seriously?  Because they permitted the commoners to wait out in the rain for the honor of looking at their Royal High Horses on their way to a private ceremony?

Four of Princess Charlotte’s christening photos taken by Mario Testino were released this week and they are the perfect metaphor for the Cambridge’s overly-manipulated image that has been distorted to a state of lifeless awkwardness.

Testino was Princess Diana’s favorite photographer, his photos for Vanity Fair were the last portraits for which she sat prior to her death.  He is a highly sought-after photographer, not only for those still seeking anything with a Diana association, but because Testino has one well-honed talent: he makes women look skinnier.

In the group photo, there’s a bit of a fun house effect happening.  Something feels off about it and it’s not until you start to examine it that you see what Testino has done.  Not only has Testino PhotoShopped the Middletons and Windsors into candy-coated perfection, he has moved the subjects and altered the background.

ChristeningGroupPhoto

This is a shot of the Drawing Room at Sandringham, the door on the left in between the two lit sconces is where the group photo was taken.

SandringhamDrawingRoom

That door is significantly smaller in the christening photo, reduced by Testino to one narrow panel, and the lighting fixtures were removed as the entire backdrop was compacted to create an artificial feeling of togetherness between the subjects, some digital slight of hand to artificially manufacture that which the photographer was unable to capture.

Testino cut each figure out, modified them and pasted them into the altered background.  He didn’t get the positioning of the feet correct, though, I have drawn a vertical line using Pippa’s and Carole’s feet as the starting point which should bisect them down the middle.

ChristeningGroupUncenteredLegs

Obviously Pippa’s head is turned but if you look at her neck, you can see how far Testino was off when recompiling the elements of the photo, his tinkering also left Pippa’s chest looking like she’s at Picasso levels of lopsided.  With Carole, he’s slightly less off.  And I’m not sure why there is a glowing red line under the couch in the back, perhaps it was left to distract from the pic’s patchwork or maybe it is meant to symbolize the love between William and Kate that is so passionate and intense, it manifests as flaming carpet snakes.

RedGlowingCarpetSnakes

The beigeness of the Middleton family reportedly caused some issues for Testino who had to work around the Middletons matching their attire to Charlotte’s christening gown.  Pippa’s Emilia Wickstead dress was also too close in shade to the cream colored paint of Sandringham’s drawing room so Pippa had to be repositioned so that James’ dark sleeve could be used to delineate her arm.  A subtle shadow was also added along her nipped-in torso to help keep Pippa from looking like a floating head.

PippaChristeningClose-Up

Back in 2009, Mario Testino told a Telegraph reporter, “The magic comes when a sitter is not self-conscious.”  Too bad Pippa couldn’t make it work with George Percy, perhaps with access to Hogwarts, a little life could have been injected into Charlotte’s christening photos.

Since Charlotte’s christening counted as an official event, I wonder who is picking up Mario Testino’s substantial tab?  Whether the cost is met by the Royal Family or the taxpayer, these stale photographic crumbs were a rip-off and certainly not value for the money in a time of austerity.

redheart

signature copy

 

 

Princess Charlotte’s Christening

On Sunday July 5th, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was christened at St. Mary Magdalene church where her grandmother, the late Princess Diana, was baptized in 1961.

PrincessCharlotteChristening

Dressed in the traditional royal christening gown, the 2008 replica made by Angela Kelly of the 1841 christening gown which had been worn by approximately sixty royal babies until it started disintegrating into lace dust, Princess Charlotte was brought to the church in a vintage pram borrowed from the Queen.  The pram had been used to bring Charles to his christening in 1948.

Kate,William,George,Charlotte

Baptismal water was obtained from the Jordan River while the Lily Font which also dates back to the 1841 baptism of Victoria, Princess Royal, and the silver ewer from the 1735 christening of George III were brought to the Sandringham church from the Tower of London for Princess Charlotte’s christening.  Special cases had to be designed to transport the ewer and font because they had never left London before.  It was one of the few firsts for the second-born princess.  In fact, other than a selection of five non-royal godparents and a guest list pared down to a mere twenty-two attendees at the private ceremony, the kind of affront to royal etiquette the Cambridges have made the hallmark of their vision of a modern monarchy, the christening of Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was otherwise frozen in time. The christening, intended to honor the late Princess Diana, also appeared to be an attempt to summon her ghost.

Replicating a moment from Princess Diana’s life, Prince George was dressed as the sartorial doppelgänger of his father, Prince William, when visiting his mother and brand new brother Harry at the hospital.

George&WilliamSidebySide

This isn’t the first time in recent weeks that Kate has dressed George in clothing identical to outfits the late Princess Diana selected for her own son.  Even if this started off as Kate wanting to please William by paying homage to his late mother, Kate appears to have veered off course and taken up residency in Creepytown which she is probably already redecorating.  Not only is the call coming from inside the house, it’s being made with a Ouija board.

While Kate has on many occasions referenced her late mother-in-law through fashion, the royal whose clothing she copied at Princess Charlotte’s christening was herself circa George’s christening.  At George’s christening, Kate and her sister Pippa appeared to match their cream-colored outfits to George’s christening gown in an attempt to reinforce their status within the British Royal Family.  At Charlotte’s christening, Kate once again went with a monochromatic christening combo of Alexander McQueen and a Jane Taylor hat, this time accessorizing with two matching Middletons.  Dressed in haunting ivory, the Middleton women formed a ghostly trio, spectral incarnations of MacBeth’s Weird Sisters with clutch bag cauldrons, ready to call forth the apparition of Diana.

Carole&Pippa

The Royal Mint coin commemorating Charlotte’s christening, the design for which William and Kate oversaw, included both her middle names and two of the flowers Diana loved most, roses and lilies.

charlotte&georgechristeningcoinsFrom the hiring of Princess Diana’s favorite photographer, Mario Testino, who took the last portraits that Diana ever sat for as the christening’s official photographer, to the selection of Diana’s niece as one of Charlotte’s five godparents, the christening celebration felt more like it drew inspiration from Tobin’s Spirit Guide and the Handbook for the Recently Deceased than it did from little sister Pippa’s Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends.  Even Nanny Maria in her Norland uniform had the unsettling appearance of an old sepia-toned photograph come to life using one of the spells in the arsenal of the Weird Sisters.

NannyMariaatChristening

It’s natural to want to make a gesture that honors the memory of a loved one who has passed in an important milestone event, it’s a way of including them.  It’s a delicate balance, though, paying homage to a lost loved one should always be done in a way that is also respectful to the living.  We have memorial services and funerals for the dead, christenings are celebrations of new life.  Lost loved ones are already a part of our joyous celebration because those who we love become a part of us, that bond can not be broken by death.

Many of those who believe in life after death have had moments where they feel as if someone they lost was with them somehow, often this happens around the holidays or other important times in their lives.   Spirits are just people without earthly shells, they are drawn to milestone celebrations like marriages and christenings to spend tie with their families as they would have in life, no engraved invitation or breadcrumb trail of mementos required.

Two and a half years ago at a christening held at St Martin’s Church in Canterbury, Kent, an unexpected guest was spotted in one of the baptism photos the Sewell family posted on Facebook, a ghostly apparition who bore a striking resemblance to the baptized baby’s grandfather who had committed suicide seventeen years earlier.  Terry Sewell’s widow, Heather, told the press, “It looks very much like Terry. I know there has been no photo trickery so it is all very spooky and perhaps not what you want to see at a Christening.”

SewellHauntedChristening

While maybe not everyone is thrilled to have their departed loved ones show up in the christening photos, I kind of think that if Princess Diana appears in any of the pics taken by Mario Testino, the Middletons would be cool with it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Carole would make it her Christmas card.

redheart

signature copy

 

 

Keeping Up With The Kambridges

A new cast member has been added to the British royal sur-reality show, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana born on May 2nd.

I was a little surprised Kate Middleton gave birth to a girl, I assumed the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would have two boys close in age, then a girl, the order ensured either through in vitro fertilization and preimplantation genetic diagnosis or whatever dark magic Middleton matriarch Carole has got on tap these days.  With the Kambridge ratings slipping as its walking shadows fill the stage with sound and fury, perhaps the powers that be decided the show needed some Diana-colored memories of the way they were.  Of course, it’s always possible Charlotte was conceived the old-fashioned way without test tubes or cauldrons, just Prince William summoned to Bucklebury by his mother-in-law for tea and coitus with an ovulating Kate.

On Wednesday, Princess Charlotte was brought to Anmer Hall, the couple’s country home located on the Queen’s Sandringham estate in Norfolk.  The press was immediately warned through hand-outs distributed by Norfolk police that their presence was not welcome and that the family expected privacy.

NorfolkPressWarning

Of course it’s natural that following the birth of a child, Prince William and Kate want some family time, alone with their daughter, son, their team of Royal Protection Officers, nannies and Kate’s parents who have moved in to Anmer Hall to oversee the couple’s household staff.  As public figures, however, the Cambridges are not afforded such a right to privacy, there is merely a gentleman’s agreement between the Palace and the increasingly irritated UK media not to publish photos taken during down time, as well as the royal family’s means to financially devastate members of the media with costly legal fees to discourage non-compliance.  No matter how much Prince William tries to isolate himself from the press, duty and the people he represents, though, he is still a future king, public interest will never go away.  The more he rants, the more irrational he looks and let’s face it, given his past battles with the press and how screwed up his formative years were, the psychological strings that keep him from sitting in front of Anmer Hall in a rocking chair, wearing a bathrobe and tapping long fingernails against the stock of a rifle are probably pretty frayed by now.

Many comparisons between the Cambridges and Kardashians have been made over the years… the tenacious matriarchs, Kate and Kim’s concurrent weddings and pregnancies, the booty battle between Pippa and Kim, Kate and Kim’s exposed genitalia… but while one family courts the media, the other shuns it completely.  Ultimately, the stock-in-trade of both familial brands is public popularity which can go away very quickly.  While it’s been said that Kim Kardashian lives in fear of one day no longer being famous, Prince William’s actions seem to suggest he’d be far less devastated if the monarchy were to be abolished as long as he got to keep some of its perks.   I can totally picture him riding a scooter or a battle cat throughout the palaces, tagging items he wants to keep with W-inscribed Post-its and pulling off the H Post-its.  Sometimes I wonder though why Prince William wouldn’t want to try harder to preserve the family business for his own children.  Maybe Prince William thinks it’s not worth having.  Because right now the focus seems to be on how much Prince William doesn’t want to be an heir to the throne, he wants to be left alone with all the royal perks that were sent along to Anmer Hall so this attempt at a normal life wouldn’t be burdened by any actual normality.  Additionally, Carole moving into Anmer Hall to oversee the staff raises concerns about Prince William’s competency for his future roll.  Um, how exactly will Prince William be able to serve as head of state when he and his wife can’t even serve as head of household?  Behind all of Prince William’s various gap years and diversionary stints to buy time away from the inevitable is a thirty-two year-old man who still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, a reluctant prince who will probably one day grab the microphone at Prince Charles’ coronation and proclaim, “”Yo.  Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best coronations of all time! One of the best coronations of all time!”  At least if Prince William does fully metamorphosize into Kanye West, he’ll finally know what he wants to do when he grows up, “make dope shit for the world” and “represent the regular dude who believes in God but still likes pussy”.  It’s important for “normal” people to have goals.

redheart

signature copy

 

 

The Middletons Take Mustique

After three events on Monday for which child-scarer Kate Middleton looked like a Clueless Miss Geist, the duchess became a self-fulfilling punchline when she jetted off to Mustique on Thursday with Prince William, Prince George, her mother, father, sister and brother and several Royal Protection Officers.

Despite being ‘too pregnant’ to join Prince William on a tour of China and Japan, Kate is apparently just pregnant enough for the nine hour flight to her favorite Caribbean destination.  No Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum to spoil the Caribbean Queen’s third trimester two week getaway with the Middletons, which is fortunate, had Kate’s pregnancy really been a difficult one and not just billed so to get out of duties, there might be concern that the future fourth-in-line to the throne was several islands away from the most basic of hospital care.

The trip is ostensibly to celebrate Middleton Matriarch Carole’s 60th birthday which apparently the Doolittles were unable to do when they spent this past weekend with Kate’s parents at Bucklebury or during the two weeks or so that the Middleton family spent at Anmer Hall around the Christmas holidays.

Surely this birthday celebration for Carole has been in the works for a while and yet Prince William still opted to forego Christmas Day with his grandmother, preferring to spend it instead with Carole and the rest of the Middleton clan in a mansion gifted to him by Her Majesty.  Apparently with the short deck Prince William seems to be playing with these days, Carole trumps the Queen.  With Carole Middleton seemingly always getting top priority, isn’t every day Carole’s birthday?

But this Mustique trip had to have an official reason to make it slightly more palpable to the press, after all, Prince William has been doing very few official engagements while supposedly training to be an air ambulance pilot, Kate just took several weeks off around Christmas from all that nothing she does, and they couldn’t call it a Babymoon because they just had one of those in November, nor could it be a second honeymoon because they just had one of those ten months ago in the Maldives… so Carole’s birthday celebration it is.

While this is a private Middleton getaway, unfortunately it still comes with a hefty price tag for taxpayers who foot the bill for security and any additional staff the couple brings, such as the nanny.  These costs include round-trip business class tickets, luxury resort lodging, per diem and overtime.  While RPO numbers are never released for “security” reasons, I estimate a dozen Royal Protection Officers were brought along to Mustique to guard the villa, The Heir-To-The-Heir, The Heir-To-The-Heir-To-The-Heir and The Hair.  Despite taxpayer financial contributions to this trip, it’s doubtful taxpayers will even get to see pictures from this latest holiday.  In the past, other guests on Mustique have complained about royal security restricting movement on the island, taking away their cell phones and even questioning them before allowing them on the beach (which makes the 2013 babymoon pics even more curious, with many believing Carole was somehow involved).  But, who knows, maybe Prince William will spring for some “Kate and Wills Blew My Tax Money on Another Holiday and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” souvenirs.  Or maybe Prince William prefers the more classic “I’m With Stupid” design. redheart

signature copy