Tag Archives: Communications Secretary

Prince William Does Disappointing Kate Middleton Impression

Prince William stepped in for Kate Middleton on St. Patrick’s Day distributing shamrocks to the Irish Guards.  This was basically Kate’s one tradition that was hers since joining the British Royal Family and she decided to stay at home with her kids, nannies, staff and likely her Mum Carole.  Because reasons.

At this point, I think we can all safely assume that the Cambridge’s Communications Secretary, Jason Knauf, is dead.  Like crossed-over-into-the-light dead because any earth-bound  spin doctor spirit would  have  found a way to make the walls bleed, “Do not disrespect the military.”  If Jason is still alive, he’s sitting aboard a superyacht purchased for him by the Republican party,  melting Lego Prince William and Lego Kate Middleton with an Acme evil death ray, texting Dr. No, “Told Kate it’s ok to blow off Irish Guards, LOL” and creating fake Twitter accounts to screw with royal photographers.

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There is no other logical explanation.

The public outrage over Kate breaking with 115 years of royal tradition was as to be expected.

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As these screen grabs from the Daily Mail show, Prince William did his best Kate Middleton impression.  He did the teeth.

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He did the weird over-the-top expressions that likely psychologically scarred small children (although that might just be his face).

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Crikey, that’s terrifying.

But he just couldn’t master Kate’s bouncing wiglet-on-a-stick gait.  And I don’t think anyone cared what shoes he was wearing.

Domhnall, the Irish Wolfhound, appeared to be relieved to be spared Kate’s clumsy attempts to attach the shamrocks.  William simply handed Domhnall’s bunch to his handler to avoid a situation like last year when Domhnall appeared to be desperately scanning the crowds for someone to call PETA.   There was a marked difference between Domhnall’s body language this year with William and last year with Kate.

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Even for a pathologically lazy duchess, skipping this engagement is baffling.  Proving to the public she is unwilling to participate in tradition which is the whole reason the monarchy still exists is a poor strategy.  Slighting those who serve their country is unforgivable.  Voluntarily dropping out of an event with attractive men in uniform is just stupid and against almost everything I personally hold sacred.  I think Kate  has a scheduled engagement today maybe, opening some shop for EACH or burning down a children’s cancer ward.  It’s kind of hard to pretend to care about a public figure who can’t be bothered pretending to care about the public.

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#whereisjason

This is the Daily Mail’s Wednesday cover:

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It really should look like this:

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Prince William’s ITV news interview with Mark Austin has caused a shiny new uproar as the prince defended paid trophy hunts as a means of funding conservation.

Prince William stated, “There is a place for commercial hunting in Africa as there is round the world. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.  But the arguments for regulated, properly controlled commercial hunting is that the money that goes from shooting a very old infirm animal goes back into the protection of the other species.”

This raises many questions, one of which is where the fuck is Jason Knauf?  As Communications Secretary for Prince William, the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry, he should have been there beside the camera guy.  When William declared there was a place for commercial hunting, Jason should have screamed,  “In Hell!”, then put on a pair of sunglasses, used one of those Men in Black flashy things and afterwards, all Mark Austin and the crew should have remembered was a lovely story to tell their grandkids about the day Prince William took them out for ice cream.  Because OH MY GOD!

As a hunter, Prince William has little credibility to begin with as an animal conservationist.  We all remember how he undermined his appeal to end illegal wildlife  hunting by going boar hunting the day before and he has been photographed numerous times engaged in the bloodsport of pheasant hunting. During his gap year in Africa, Prince William was also reported to have inadvertently shot a protected ibis, mistaking it for an unprotected bird he was trying to kill.

Actual animal lovers tend to love all creatures, our affections aren’t species-specific.  I mean, I’ve come across two bunny rabbits that were kind of jerks and one rude dolphin, but the animal kingdom and I are totally cool.  I try to avoid eating or wearing  them and my experiences suggest they appreciate my efforts.  I even escort spiders outside.

Prince William’s selective policy strikes many as hypocritical so his support  of trophy hunts have further weakened any chance he has of being taken seriously as a conservationist or as a human being.  When asked if he thought the killing of Cecil the lion was wrong,  Prince  William responded yes, further convoluting his argument.

Cecil was killed by dentist Walter Palmer in a trophy hunt, lured out of a national park by unscrupulous guides for the totally legal hunt.  At thirteen, Cecil would have fallen into the category of old or infirm lion that William would consider an acceptable trophy kill had he not been pretty much as famous as a non-cartoon lion can get, leading to international outrage.  In the wild, male lions only live to 10-14 years, Cecil had already almost died once in a pride clash that took his brother’s life and was living out his sunset years in the lion version of Boca.  Cecil was also the dominant male of his pride and his death put his six cubs in danger, when a new dominant pride leader takes over, he usually kills off the cubs. That’s six non-old, non-infirm lions that normally would have also been wiped out with one of the trophy kills William deems acceptable.  Fortunately, Cecil’s pride was taken over by his buddy Jericho who absorbed Cecil’s pride and actually defended Cecil’s cubs against attacks by other outside males which rarely happens, making it at least slightly less tragic.

Nature already has a checks and balances system which humanity has already greatly disturbed, trophy killing further risks the rapidly decreasing number of endangered species animals.  I couldn’t even process the level of stupid of Prince William’s comments all at once, so where was Jason through all this?  Even though we’re all beating our heads against our desks, it’s his job to remain conscious and lucid.  The fact that this interview even aired makes me seriously concerned that he’s missing.  Is Jason walking down some country road minus one shoe, a sock dangling out of his pocket with no memory of the last month?  Has he realized his boss is such a lost cause he’s faked his death, dyed his hair, undergone drastic plastic surgery, and assumed a new identity selling alien head erasers at a Roswell gift shop?  Is Jason Knauf now an X-file?  Do we need to launch some kind of #whereisjason social media campaign until we receive proof of life so at least his loved ones will know what happened to him? Or did  all of Prince William’s yes men say yes to a Caribbean holiday and leave no one at home to make sure the Petulant Prince didn’t play with a fucking fireball of stupid?

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Is Jason Knauf Fur Real?

This is Jason Knauf, Communications Secretary for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry.

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He looks like the kind of well-groomed, non-threatening generic American model that J. Crew uses to sell cardigans.  While it’s true that pr reps can only be as effective as their clients are cooperative, in recent weeks Jason has started looking like he is either a complete idiot or the most deliciously evil adversary the British Monarchy has ever faced, the kind that from a historical perspective could ultimately make Rasputin look like Funshine Bear.

The Cambridge’s spin doctor has a background in crisis management and started his royal gig in the beginning of 2015.  Jason Knauf replaced former BBC producer, Ed Perkins, who had joined the Palace in 2007 working for the Duke of York, managing his scandals and overseeing the Diamond Jubilee before being assigned to Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge where he lasted two and a half years before deciding on a new career path.  The search for Perkins’ replacement lasted six months, reportedly Prince William wanted someone whose loyalties weren’t divided by connections to other members of the British Royal Family.  So basically, William’s criteria was finding someone who couldn’t be influenced by the guiding wisdom of his father or grandmother.  And really, Her Majesty has only built one of the most globally recognized brands in the world, what could she possibly know about public relations.

Recent pr mistakes by Jason Knauf’s office have led to even more media backlash towards the  Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  The latest likely made both Jesus and Darth Vader facepalm.

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The force of Captain Picard’s facepalm probably blew the Enterprise off course.

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I didn’t even catch this latest goof, but the press sure did.  The Daily Mail ran an article on the mittens Kate wore in the photos released this week  by Kensington Palace on Twitter showing the Cambridges on a ski getaway from all that work they’re not doing.  Kate’s Alexski gloves are lined with possum fur.

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While it’s not surprising a woman who has been photographed wearing a fur hat while hunting pheasant bred for the royally lazy version of the bloodsport would wear fur-lined gloves, it’s shocking that the Palace would release photos of Kate wearing them to the world.  Could they not find a clubbed baby seal for Kate to put a cigarette out on?

The ski glove’s possum fur comes from New Zealand where the marsupial is widely considered a pest because it is a non-indigenous species that was introduced in the 19th century by the fur industry and having no natural predator, possums have wreacked considerable havoc on New Zealand’s flora and fauna.  One land’s pest is another’s protected species, there are even people who (mostly illegally and definitely ill-advisedly) keep possum as pets.  Usually what separates aww from ugh is how much destruction a species causes, in Australia where possums are indigenous, sometimes foxes are regarded as pests even though they bring the internet this kind of snuggle buddy cuteness.

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In NYC, our pests are rats and mice.  Given their plague-spreading history, most wouldn’t put them on their most cuddly list but still wouldn’t stick their hands in the skinned remains of one.

Because of the exposed cruelties of the fur industry and the increased trendiness of its condemnation, spin doctors go to extraordinary lengths to shield their clients from the barrage of criticism that comes from being photographed in fur.  Even celebrities who unabashedly wear fur like Kim Kardashian are aware it’s a controversial topic many feel passionately about.  North West has gotten some serious shade for being papped in it and she’s only two.  Based on the fact that in this photo she’s dressed like her first word was “Nevermore”, I think it’s safe to assume most of North’s fashion isn’t self-selected and we should give the kid a pass.

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For a small child to even be unfairly called a “fur hag” by some illustrates why most in the public eye steer clear of the fur debate, regardless of their personal feelings, it is a hotly debated topic.

Bella Thorne recently posted a photo of herself on Instagram in a fur jacket and in response to the enormous backlash, claimed it was faux fur.  When Instagram fashionistas identified it as an alice + olivia rabbit and fox jacket, the actress quickly deleted her faux fur claim and her reps dealt with the fall-out, releasing the statement Thorne “was told it was faux fur” with the promise she would never wear it again.

The Queen also provoked widespread criticism with her fur-clad Christmas appearance prompting many to take to social media to express their disappointment Her Majesty would even wear her vintage fur, especially since she is a representative of the UK which passed laws over a decade ago prohibiting “the keeping of animals solely or primarily for slaughter for the value of their fur”.

When public figures are already the subject of negative focus, it’s generally not a good idea to serve up more to find fault with on a gilded platter.  Really the only thing the Palace has as a selling-point for Kate is the so-called Kate Effect when people who want to dress like Kate snatch up whatever inventory is left on items Kate waits to wear so people can’t Copy-Kate her.    Every single outfit Kate wears is broken down and written about because she offers such little substance with which to work.  Considering how contrived and manipulated these snaps are, how did no one even think to make sure the Paper Doll Duchess wasn’t committing a pr fur pas?

While I find these pr goofs highly amusing, the British Royal Family might want to check Jason Knauf’s bank account for large deposits coming from the Republican Party because it’s hard to believe anyone with pr experience could screw up this royally.  Especially an American, we invented pr.  Technically, the founding father of spin was Austrian-American Edward Bernays but we staked the claim convincingly enough that the rest of the world bought it.  Quite frankly, the way the pr is being handled for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge is utterly un-American.

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