Tag Archives: Cressida Bonas

Prince Harry’s New Squeeze?

Prince Harry is rumored to have filled the vacancy in his heart that Cressida left with a former Miss Edinburgh, Camilla Thurlow, who has been described as “the life and soul of the party”.  The two were spotted snogging outside of Guy Pelly’s Tonteria and it’s been reported Camilla has been to Prince Harry’s apartment at Kensington Palace twice.

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The 25 year-old 5’3″ brunette with hazel eyes has been called a Kate Middleton look-alike.  While I have written many critical things about Kate, even I find that statement cruel.

Camilla stated in her Miss Earth profile, “For me sport dominated my school career, however I was also a member of the school choir and performed in the house play Steel Magnolias.”  She also indicated she loves spending time with her family and possesses a passion for art.

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Could Camilla be the new Waity?  Over-processed brown hair, hazel eyes, check.  Sports background, check.  Interest in the theatre and arts, check.  Strong familial bond, check.  Tragic make-up, check.  Life’s ambition, check please.

Under the Ambitions category on her Miss Earth application Camilla indicated, “I would like to go travelling when I leave university as I missed out on having a gap year… I am also saving up for a volunteer holiday working with sea turtles in Costa Rica which I, and a friend, have been planning for a long time. I would like, one day, to settle down but my main ambition is to always try and enjoy life and get as much out of it as I can and to be happy.”

Fantastic, a girl whose goals involve holidays, traveling and getting the most out of life. OMG, has Kate become a life-coach?

Pictures of Camilla Thurlow are few and far between.  I’m trying to retract the claws on this one but were the other contestants in the Miss Edinburgh pageant livestock?  I tried locating Camilla’s sash/tiara picture but the only photo I could find was this one which to me appears to have been taken in a dorm room with a bathroom as the backdrop.  Always classy.

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Despite working for Princess Diana’s charity, The HALO Trust, for the last year and being rumored to be a friend of Prince Harry bestie, Guy Pelly, Camilla doesn’t strike me as the suitable future duchess-type which almost certainly means she will be the one.

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4 Things You Didn’t Know Kate Middleton Invented

In the absence of Kate Middleton appearances until Thursday May 25th, journalists are taking some liberties to keep her in the headlines, crediting the Duchess of Doolittle for a Kate Effect so strong it can actually rewrite history.  Here are four things you might be surprised to discover Kate Middleton recently invented:

redheartbulletpoint Moving on after a break-up.  It’s being reported Cressida Bonas is  taking a page out of Kate’s 2007 Break-up Guide by being a twenty-five year-old girl hitting the town on Thursday night with her princess pals Eugenie and Beatrice instead of donning the traditional mourning veil, taking a vow of celibacy and entering a convent like every other woman throughout history following a break-up.  I used to think sitting at home in scuba gear knitting the never-ending scarf was the best revenge but going out in a sexy dress being seen having fun with friends makes more sense.  Thank goodness Kate finally liberated us so we too could go outside once a relationship ended.

redheartbulletpoint Babysitting.  Sure fourteen year-old girls do it every day, but babysitting duty is being given for the excuse why Kate was a no-show at the event honoring the Ralph Lauren Breast Cancer Center.  Despite having a full-time nanny, hand-picked housekeeper who serves as nanny back-up, and an extensive team of additional child-rearing support, Kate is apparently the only one in the world who can watch George to make the excuse plausible which I guess makes the Maldives vacation a case of child abandonment punishable by up to ten years in prison.

redheartbulletpoint The Color Yellow.  Media outlets are reporting that yellow dress sales have increased since Kate wore the Roksanda Ilincic banana dress.  Except Kate’s been wearing all shades of yellow for years now, below is a sampling, including one of the Calgary bum flashing pics, so those who don’t feel like seeing Kate’s bare bum, please skip over the below yellow dress pics.  This time Kate’s yellow frock happened to be on trend, coinciding with the strong presence of yellow on the runways for Spring 2014.

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redheartbulletpoint Pearls.  The Daily Mail is crediting Kate Middleton with the return of pearls which the publication claims are being Copykated by Sarah Jessica Parker, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, and Angelina Jolie among a long list of fashionable celebs.  All thanks to Kate’s Annoushka Jewellry Pearl Drop Earrings.  Kate’s never wears pearl necklaces, at least not in public, but when she does, she will have invented them.  Sorry, Angelina Jolie, you only thought you wore these pearl earrings to the “Hotel Rwanda” premiere on December 2, 2004.  You didn’t, Kate was only twenty-two at the time.

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Speaking of Annoushka Jewellry, I received a Twitter shout-out from them for mentioning their earrings in McQueen Outfits McDuchess in PMS Pink.  It was surprising because I forgot I even had a Twitter account.  The post had received my highest number of hits to date and of course I thought people were drawn to it because it was a well-written piece on social awareness.  Nope, it turns out I was just among the first of the bloggers who identified the earrings, apparently others were looking for the designer name that was part of my itemized breakdown of Kate’s outfit.  So I do have to eat a little crow and admit the Kate Effect exists and is responsible for what had been my highest traffic day at the time.  The record has been since replaced thanks to mentions on Royal Dish and KateMiddletonReview.

I wanted to say thank you to Annoushka Jewellry for the shout-out, I’m a huge fan of their designs.  Seriously, check out the Annoushka Jewellery site, it’s like jewelry porn except you don’t have to clear your browser history after visiting.  I have a pretty major crush on this ring:

AnnoushkkaStellarMoonRingIf there’s a boost in sales due to this mention, I’d appreciate it if it could be referred to (even if it’s a quiet internal musing by someone at Annoushka), as the “Hi, temi! Effect”.

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Bigfoot Spotted on the Slopes, Still No Kate

Kate Middleton still hasn’t been spotted since April 25th.  There’s been one major Bigfoot sighting filmed in Canada since Kate boarded the plane in Australia but no sightings of the duchess.  I don’t know guys, are we absolutely sure Kate Middleton is actually real?  Is it possible that the fidgeting mop of brown hair and pageant teeth has a more logical scientific explanation, like perhaps what we were seeing popping up next to Prince William was actually swamp gas?

Gossip columnists have run out of stories to run on the Royal Vacation Tour so they are all running stories about how Kate scared away Cressida Bonas.  Um, duh.  This is what I find so infuriating about the mainstream media, they manufacture a faux friendship and then leak a headline-grabbing scoop that the two weren’t really besties.  No, they weren’t, Cressida always found Kate a smidge horrifying.  Seriously, if you ever run into Kate in a forest, do not take an apple from her even if you relatively certain she’s just a rolling patch of swamp gas.  She does not play well with others.  And definitely don’t take any kind of candy or fruit from her mother, spotted here lurking behind a tombstone at a wedding with that wicked Middleton grin which kinda makes you secretly wonder if the Middleton women sink or float in water.  Wait, has anyone seen Jecca Craig recently?

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In the absence of any real Kate news, Pippa is making headlines for her new shoulder length bob.

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Eh.  Pippa looks even more masculine with this cut but of course everyone is oohing and aahing because the bob is a big trend right now.  Taylor Swift, Jennifer Connelly, Kaley Cuoco are among the celebs who have gone for the chop.  While we sometimes need to lose a few inches of hair for its overall health, personally I’m just not a fan of the Adderall-addicted-soccer-Mom-on-a-downward-spiral shoulder length messy bob and predict the next trend in hair will be extensions.  Not that Pippa would ever try faking it when it comes to beauty, I’m sure all rumors to the contrary have been grossly padded.  Pippa’s got Nico Jackson now anyway and he’s pretty enough for the both of them.  And he’s charming, too.  Looks like Pippa is ahead of big sis in the man department even if the new ‘do doesn’t quite make the cut.

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Compassionate Leave

Quite a number of people are mocking the compassionate leave Cressida Bonas was granted by her employer so she can quietly deal with the pain of breaking up with Prince Harry.  I, for one, think compassionate leave from work following a break-up is a fantastic idea and hope it takes off in the US.  But it shouldn’t just apply to death and break-ups, I think compassionate leave should be broadened to include the following:

redheartbulletpoint When your hair is frizzy with that one weird cowlick looking like it’s trying to flag down Frederic Fekkai so it can give him the finger, everything that’s clean in your closet either exaggerates your figure flaws or makes you look like you belong in the movie “Flashdance”, and your face looks like it should be haunting a castle, it should be perfectly acceptable to call out ugly.  Just ring up the boss and say, “I’m sorry, I’m far too hideous to come to work today.  I’ll be in tomorrow if I can pull off a look that doesn’t frighten small children.”

redheartbulletpoint When a television series ends and you’re all WTF? I just spent nine years of my life sometimes watching this thing and the mother DIES?  Wait, they just cut to black in the diner?  Was that a metaphor or did they just run out of tape or ideas?  That’s bullshit.  After the season finale of Lost, pretty much the entire city was lost in a haze of confusion, for an entire week, nothing got done, everyone should have just stayed home and dealt with it on their own instead of adding to the mire with alternate theories.

redheartbulletpoint When you realize you haven’t done laundry in so long, you either have to wear your prom dress, a bridesmaid’s dress, or a Halloween costume and you just can’t decide if you should go to work in a pink ball gown or dressed as the Cat in the Hat because you’ve already wasted too much time to do zombie make-up now.

redheartbulletpoint When the Daily Mail still has yet to publish one of your comments so you wonder if you should try creating an account under a different name just in case it’s your online handle because it’s the principle of the thing, even though it really isn’t, it just bugs you because your comments are far more articulate than some of the ones printed, or maybe you’re not as good a writer as you thought, this is worse than that time you were picked third to last for softball.  Whhyyyyyyyyy?

redheartbulletpoint When you get a home waxing kit because it seemed like a good idea at the time except now it’s 3am, you’re lying on your bed stuck to your comforter, your bathmat is stuck to your foot, your curtain is stuck to your leg, there’s a bump on your forehead from where the curtain rod beamed you, there’s not enough ice left in the world to make all the swelling go away, you’ve got wax splotches still stuck to your skin that won’t peel off and it’s going to take you a period of adjustment to accept living your life as a depilatory wax leper.

redheartbulletpoint When you’re doing research online, wind up in a conspiracy theory chat room and now you’re terrified of Oprah and nothing makes sense anymore.

redheartbulletpoint When you’ve reached Day 3 of a Juice Cleanse and instead of reaching the state of ultimate mental clarity your friend promised you, hunger turns you into a vicious monster and you start telling anyone who has had solid food in the last forty-eight hours that they look fat and you’ve already made one girl cry.

redheartbulletpoint When you’re sleep deprived because your one passive aggressive courtyard neighbor decided to get revenge on your other neighbor who holds loud BBQs by faking an alien spaceship landing at 3am and you bolted out of bed thinking, “Holy crap, aliens are real and they’re… wait, that makes no sense, this is Manhattan, where would they even land?”, then you hear laughter over the sound effects tape and spend the next four hours laying in bed thinking about how much better you would have executed a fake alien spacecraft landing.

redheartbulletpoint When you barely survive trying to put on a pair of Spanx and as you’re laying on the floor, trying to remember what the symptoms are of a concussion, you realize there are dust bunnies under your bed and one of them appears to be smiling mockingly at you.

redheartbulletpoint When you spend Sunday helping a friend paint her apartment and on Monday morning you can’t even lift your arm and every time you sneeze, the pain shooting through your body makes everything go black, causing the molecules of your body to implode and reassemble in a fraction of a nanosecond and you realize teletransportation is actually possible and you’d like to explore if it means never having to take the subway again.

redheartbulletpoint When your ex-boyfriend friends you on Facebook and you now must go through all of his pictures to reassure yourself you are at least prettier than his wife who is a Pulitzer Prize-winning Senator who makes baby food from her garden, has an Olympic gold medal for volleyball and is besties with Beyonce.

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Secret Ski Vacation Rumor

A few weeks ago, I got a tip that Kate Middleton and Prince William were planning a secret ski get-away following the Australia Tour.  I dismissed it as some propaganda whispering, when I get gossip which seems unlikely even for this royal bunch, I usually assume there’s some amount of fabrication to it.  After all, would the Lazy Duo actually try to squeeze in yet another vacation given all the bad press they’ve received this year for their luxury get-aways?  That would require a sense of entitlement and impertinence at a level akin to pathological narcissism.

As public figures, Kate Middleton and Prince William are often the target of rumors, some of them true, some maliciously fabricated and others that remain more difficult to confirm or refute like the one that’s been circulating for a few years now about Kate’s alleged secret 2006 abortion when she and Prince William were dating which was rumored to be one of the contributing factors to their 2007 break-up. Unfortunately the more deceitful PR tactics are employed, the more voraciously the press will become to expose any concealed truths.

Because the UK press does not enjoy the same Freedom of Speech that the US press does, sometimes unflattering photos or tidbits of info are leaked across the pond by frustrated or disenchanted members of the media.  And sometimes people with grudges just make crap up because they’re bitter and bored.  It seems a little silly that people actually bother to fabricate gossip about the British Royal Family, that group has so much riveting dysfunction, if they ever did a reality show called The Real Housewives of Windsor, we would all be watching it.  But it happens.  And sometimes a dismissed rumor seems more credible than once believed.

Tonight, I noticed a comment on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva that I found fascinating.  My2Pence noted:

Prince William spotted in the private SwissAir lounge at Chicago/O’Hare on the way to Memphis. Presumably, he would only be allowed in that lounge if he had flown SwissAir into Chicago. Proof they snuck off on their skiing holiday? From what I can tell (and I could be searching their site incorrectly), SwissAir doesn’t fly from London to Chicago, but they DO fly from Zurich to Chicago.

And in a follow-up, My2Pence stated:

What surprises me is that the majority of royal reporters (and boards) seem to be ignoring it. Tanna hinted that they’d gone on holiday straight out of Australia but no one engaged with him about it. No photos of them arriving back in the UK after NZ/AU which is also odd. William flying SwissAir would seem to be proof that they went skiing straight out of Australia (with or without George) but everyone is pretending this didn’t happen?

Despite having heard the exact same rumor weeks ago about the couple going on a secret Middleton ski vacation after the New Zealand/Australia Tour and finding the report that Prince William was hanging out in the SwissAir Lounge at O’Hare on the way to the Memphis wedding odd, it still didn’t occur to me that Prince William and the Duchess of Doolittle could actually have the impudence to squeeze in yet another vacation until My2Pence made the connection.  That should pretty much settle any lingering doubts any of you might have as to whether or not I’m a natural blonde.

I imagine to the Cambridges, it’s such a bummer when protesting peasants wreck your annual ski vacation plans but did they actually try to sneak one in under the radar below the stink-eye line?  My initial reaction was no way would they attempt such an ill-advised trip, but maybe the genius of the plan was its unfathomable audacity.  Grumblings about the cost of security footed by taxpayers are being acknowledged in media articles estimating UK citizens are paying approximately $84,000 in security costs for this Memphis vacation for Princes William and Harry.  I estimated that the Maldives get-away cost taxpayers around $114,000.  Plus there’s Kate’s vacation to Mustique earlier this year and Prince William’s hunting trip to Spain.  With such intense scrutiny over the cost of the Royal Family to taxpayers, perhaps William and Kate tried to avoid even more security costs from reaching the public’s awareness and yet another vacation souring any positive press they earned during the New Zealand/Australia tour.

I did some follow-up research on Prince William’s selection of the SwissAir lounge and O’Hare seems to be the connecting city of choice for most international flights originating in Europe, so the connecting airport offers no clue as to the city of origin for Prince William’s flight, but there remain other details which make this rumor seem plausible.

  • There weren’t any released photos of the Heathrow arrival of the Royal Trio following the New Zealand/Australia Tour.  At least I didn’t see any and trust me, I looked.  Now that Buckingham Palace is counting travel time as official engagements in order to pad Lazy Katie’s numbers due to the PR backlash against UK’s Laziest Royal, arrivals and landings should be a matter of public record.  Travel arrangements can’t fall under the protection of privacy if they are being counted as official workdays.
  • No photos of Kate Middleton have been published since the Australia tour on April 25th, nothing in the press to suggest where she’s been since she boarded the flight to Sydney.  We’ve all been assuming she’s been locked away inside Kensington Palace but there’s no evidence to support that.
  • Prince William wasn’t seen since he boarded the flight to Sydney on April 25th until he was sitting in the SwissAir Lounge with his friends at O’Hare Airport en route to Memphis on Thursday May 1st enjoying some nachos and hot wings.
  • Why the SwissAir lounge and not say the British Airways lounge also located in Terminal 5 of O’Hare Airport?  Granted, when you’re a Prince, you can have your choice of lounges but it’s very possible his staff arranged the logistics of the layover directly with the airline.  Perhaps the Prince was flying SwissAir because he really was on the rumored secret Swiss ski vacation with Kate?
  • There’s already a pic of Prince William taken while onboard a flight to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport on Niraj Tanna’s Twitter page.  And yet no one snapped a single a pic or even commented on his presence until O’Hare?  Connecting at a different airport on the flight out, so is it possible now he’s actually returning to the UK?
  • Neither the Duke or Duchess of Cambridge showed up to the funeral of Mark Shand, brother to Prince Charles’ wife Camilla, on May 1st, despite a statement released by their reps that they were devastated by his death.  The Duke of Cambridge flew to Memphis on May 1st and there was no explanation offered as to why the Duchess of Cambridge could not attend.  Is it possible they weren’t even in the country at the time which is why it wasn’t feasible for the Duke to catch a later flight and still arrive in Memphis two days ahead of the wedding?

It is possible this secret ski vacation is just idle gossip that’s been idling for the last few weeks but it will be interesting to see if anything else emerges.  Could the Lazy Duo successfully pull off the same kind of secret ski getaway that Prince Harry got caught attempting when he and Cressida tried to sneak off to Kazakhstan in March?  Absolutely, Prince Harry only got busted a couple of days into his secret vacation because of a fellow skier with a camera phone, it’s possible the Duke and Duchess were more cautious, perhaps choosing a location where they would be guaranteed privacy, with trusted staff members being required to sign a Confidentiality/Non-Disclosure Agreement.

What do you guys think?

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Cressida’s Split with the Spare

So it’s official.  Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas have split, ending their two year romance.  Prince Harry tends to recycle girlfriends, so don’t count out a Harry/Cressida Sequel.

Various reasons are being cited for the split, initially it was because he wanted to settle down and she wasn’t sure she wanted to get married.  Then it was suggested Cressida was either too independent or too clingy.  Kate Middleton is thought to have played some part in the demise because of the candid conversation she had with Cressida and her disapproval of Cressida as a suitable potential duchess.  The latest theory is Cressida didn’t want to spring for the plane ticket to the Memphis wedding of Guy Pelly and Lizzy Wilson with their relationship in such an uncertain place and balked at the idea of being photographed at the Prince’s side at the head table during the wedding reception.  Even if the latest of the rumors are true, they are really just symptoms of a deeper underlying issue.  The one common denominator of all the rumors is that each wanted more than the other was willing to give.

Women tend to deal with break-ups a little better than men because we allow ourselves to mourn the end of a relationship.  Men on the other hand go out and try to prove just how okay they are by focusing on their single status, putting noise and distance between the heartbreak which only serves to delay the pain.

Of course, when we’re snuggled up in a giant sweatshirt, trying to fish out any remaining ice cream chunks from a pint of tear diluted melted ice cream, we like to think our ex is wrapped in a blanket, sniffing the sweater we left behind and remembering every single amazing thing about us.  But usually they are out with their buddies, toasting freedom, thinking about all the girls who will want to sleep with them now that they are single.  And eventually we get the drunken 3am “Baby I miss you so much” phone calls which our new boyfriends don’t find terribly endearing.

Women heal faster because we permit ourselves to feel pain and the emotional vulnerability.  We cry, put on the coziest clothing we own and we choose our wallowing song we keep on repeat which conveniently spares us from having to answer any inquiries as to how we are doing.  When we’re ready, we spill to our inner most circle of friends, from the emotional chaos we pull any detail that bubbles to the surface, sort of Break-up Turrets.

Like most women, Cressida has spent the days following the break-up with puffy eyes, wearing oversized garments like a soft tortoise shell and talking on the phone.

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Like most men, Prince Harry set out to prove he was okay, appearing a bit insensitive in the process.  Blowing off the funeral of his stepmother’s brother, Mark Shand, Harry flew to Miami on Wednesday to participate in some pre-wedding festivities with friends.  During dinner he was seated next to a mystery brunette he was seen cozying up to for the remainder of the evening.  Some shots of the two of them were captured at the nightclub LIV, but were too grainy to identify the women.  The mystery woman was said to be tanned, not orange, so that at least rules out Pippa as Prince Harry’s possible rebound woman.

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As Harry is well aware from his Las Vegas trip, the US has a free press so these Dirty Harry moments have a way of making their way into the news.  Sure, Wednesday night’s activities caught on camera three days after the split were far tamer than his Vegas antics, but it doesn’t make them any less disappointing from a post-break-up female perspective.

If Cressida needs something to cheer her up, she can take comfort in knowing that at some point, the British Ginger Prince (a.k.a. the Taylor Swift Trifecta) will probably be getting a call from Scotland Yard alerting him to the fact that the call from Taylor Swift is coming from inside the house.

And Cressida can think about this hysterical parody of Taylor Swift’s We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together and have a laugh knowing Taylor is probably already scoping out property near Kensington Palace.  They say living well is the best revenge but giant singing stuffed animals dancing outside the ex’s window and a pop/country album entitled Unhappily Ever After about Prince Harry probably feels good, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGOtPBka3J8

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Once Upon A Time Three Years Ago

Once upon a time in the United Kingdom, a commoner known as Waity Katie walked down the aisle where her Prince was waiting.  She emerged from the church a Duchess and asked her new husband, “Isn’t this the happiest day of your life?”  The Prince shook his head no.  “This fuss, Catherine.  It’s all too much for me.”

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Once upon a time was exactly three years ago.  Thankfully I was in Greece at the time and missed most of the pre-wedding hype.  Regretfully, I didn’t stay longer to avoid the exhaustive recap on every single channel.

With the exception of Kate’s makeup which reporters indicated was done by the bride herself, Kate’s bridal attire was celebrated as modern and elegant.  Personally I found it a bit underwhelming, I mean if I suffered from some sort of major head trauma that caused me to lose all self-respect and wait eight years for a guy to marry me, my dress would be made out of diamonds and there would be uplighting installed on my shoes.  But whatever, I was going through some serious post-Greece feta withdrawal at the time and thought as long as she was happy what did it matter.  She just needed someone to show her how to properly apply eyeliner, her makeup was way too transvestite hooker and not in a good way.

I liked the idea of a commoner marrying her Prince.  No one should be told who to love.  I decided to refinish a cabinet in a shade of Creamy Delicious Feta White and wondered what charities the Duchess would support.

It would be almost nine months after the wedding before Kate announced the four charities she would start out with: Action on Addiction, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, The Art Room and The National Portrait Gallery.  Waity Katie became Lazy Katie, with critics pointing out Kate has always been work-shy.  The term work-shy amused me, I imagined her growing very bashful and timidly blushing around anything involving effort.

It wasn’t a fantastic start for Kate.  The Queen was vocal about her displeasure with the display of Kate’s wedding dress that Kate reportedly had supervised, declaring it “creepy”.  During a viewing of her dress, Kate who has a degree in Art History infamously asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.

In November of 2011, Prince William and Kate granted an interview for UNICEF.  The Prince was articulate, Kate stumbled over words she parroted back, and news anchors across the world snickered at the blinking and babbling of a seemingly dim-witted Duchess.

We were assured she was adjusting.  The Press focused on her beauty, because if we stared at her gorgeous locks long enough, it would be like one of those stereogram pictures, we’d see the image of a bright exciting future for the monarchy.  Or a hamburger, it kinda depended on the lighting.

Three years after the wedding and Kate is still struggling with a job for which she campaigned for over a decade.  Stalked, actually.  If this had been any other job, she would have been fired long ago for incompetence and a deplorable attendance record.

Laughably, the press is claiming that Cressida Bonas has decided not to marry Prince Harry because she and Kate had a heart-to-heart and Kate was very upfront with her about how busy she always is which made Cressida balk at the idea of always being swamped with royal duties.  Of course, to Kate, who has never actually had a real job, thirty-five or so engagements a year might seem like an overwhelming amount of work.  It’s so exhausting trying to pretend to care about things, she has to smile AND wave at most of these events, but assuming this leak wasn’t calculated PR to boost Kate’s work-shy image, it really makes me worry about Cressida if she can’t hack Lazy Katie levels of leisure.

I want Prince Harry to be happy, I want everyone to be happy, it’s one of my strange afflictions, but I’m starting to think maybe Cressida isn’t the one for him.  Any woman who needs convincing to be with Prince Harry and be “willing to take the job” doesn’t deserve him.  Yes, marrying into that family does require a lot of sacrifice, but if you truly love someone, you willingly face those challenges to the best of your abilities because you love that person.  All of us come with challenges.  Love is like Ikea furniture, it takes a huge amount of effort to track down, when you finally find what you want and manage to get it home, you discover it didn’t come with instructions and half the hardware is missing.  It’s maddening at times, can require multiple trips, maybe there are meatballs along the way, but somehow you figure it out.

How hard can being a Duchess be?  Kate Middleton has been doing it for three years and she’s terrible at it, but apparently it comes with the ultimate job security.  Lazy Katie has done a phenomenal job of setting the bar so low that whomever fills the #2 Duchess slot can just slide in without a lot of looming expectation.

The Royal Wedding feels like an eternity ago.  Three years ago when I was trying to find a channel that wasn’t devoted to Royal Wedding coverage, I never imagined I would find myself writing about Kate Middleton.  Most of my reader base is now comprised of others who are frustrated by Lazy Katie’s disinterest in her duties and every now and then I’ll get a nice note from one of my readers encouraging me to continue covering the Duchess of Doolittle which always seems to come just when I need it.  My intention has always been to write these posts until Kate learns to use her powers for good but sometimes I wonder if that’s an unrealistic goal.  She’s been doing this for three years now and has settled so firmly into underperforming I wonder if she’ll ever actually try to do the job she spent a decade trying to get.  At what point do objections become rants?  Where exactly is the fine line between protesting the social obliviousness of a Doolittle Duchess and Morrissey manifesto?  Can someone please let me know when I reach it? I kinda feel like you have to have some kind of talent to successfully pull off a Morrissey and I keep meaning to pick some up, I just forget.

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All in the Royal Family

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation.  We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives.  Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits.  The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection.  I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family.  I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway.  Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon.  I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on.  I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family.  I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry.  She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles.  Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion.  Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?

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There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny.  She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt.  While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life.  I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean.  Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton.  They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong.  She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies.  Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant?  The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous.  More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie.  The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen.  Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament.  Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away.  E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.

http://www.eonline.com/news/519475/inside-prince-william-and-kate-middleton-s-wacky-maldives-vacation-sex-kits-pillow-experts-and-more

When will the lambs stop screaming?

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.

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Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation.  The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge.  When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing.  In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over.  When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem.  Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified.  The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well.  They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill.  The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying.  Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work.  If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now.  The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else.  I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off.  I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this?  I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum.  And I’ve always got people telling me what to do.  ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’  Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy.  Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty.  Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system.  No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies.  If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press.  Deal?

redheart

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Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance

I feel robbed, and not in the way I at least get to talk to cute cops in uniform.  In the biography, “Kate, The Future Queen”, Daily Mail reporter and author, Katie Nicholls, reveals that the love story of Kate Middleton and Prince William wasn’t as fated as dropped books at St. Andrews University and a sheer black dress on a catwalk.  Basically the duchess nabbed her prince by stalking him.

Dubbed “Waity Katie” by the press, Kate Middleton infamously held on for eight years after she met her prince until he popped the question.  Except the timeline spans a few more years now following the revelation that prior to attending St. Andrews, Waity Katie told her friends that she had already met Prince William “once or twice”.

According to the new biography, Kate Middleton planned on attending Edinburgh until it was announced that Prince William would be taking a gap year before attending St. Andrews.  She ripped up her Edinburgh acceptance letter, took a leap year to be in Prince William’s class and then reapplied to St. Andrew’s to increase her chances at shagging and bagging the prince.

Ewww.

I’ve never understood the media’s fixation with Kate Middleton but I hoped she might one day prove she was more than just the “cold, dull, serious girl” Prince William’s friends described her as.  Despite being disappointed in her work ethic and cringing at some of her idiotic comments, I still wanted this to be a wonderful story about a girl destined to marry her true love, not a girl destined to use tactical maneuvering to increase her chances at nabbing HRH status.  There was a moment during her wedding when she looked at Prince William with crazy eyes and I thought, maybe there’s a personality in that candied shell after all, maybe she really was a girl madly in love with the man she was marrying.  Given recent reports, I suspect at that moment she couldn’t believe she actually pulled it off.

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How did she pull that off, anyway?  Her dizzy comments have led many to wonder just how bright the future Queen Consort is.  During a viewing of her wedding dress at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, the Duchess with the Art History degree asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.  In addition to admitting she doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea, she has proven she can’t even string together a coherent tea-related question, inquiring during an appearance at Fortnum & Mason: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”   When shopping for a birthday gift for her husband this year, Kate also appeared thwarted by the concept of pens being cylindrical, telling a store clerk she was looking for “a really beautiful pen for a man who is left-handed”.   She doesn’t seem to fare much better reading words from a teleprompter.  The delivery of her first public address earlier this year for Children’s Hospice Week was painfully awkward and despite the piece being edited, her mispronunciation of the word “palliative” was not corrected.  One might question why no one spared her that embarrassment.

A story was leaked last year that the Queen referred to Kate Middleton as the Duchess of Doolittle, calling her vain, vapid and lazy.  Normally I would be skeptical of reports citing the Queen as the source, after all, a trusted confidante gossiping to the press would be a betrayal and the Queen isn’t known for being overly trusting.  However, I have no trouble believing the Queen intended for those critical comments to be slipped to the media in hopes Kate would work on improving herself as a representative of the Royal Family.  Like those nude patent pumps Kate always has on, it’s merely a matter of time before her shine gets scuffed and she is perceived of as worn and tired.  The Queen is a highly intelligent woman who knows a lot about longevity in the public eye.

When women marry into the Royal Family, there always seems to be a period of media adoration in the first few years before the ensuing backlash of the press growing bored with its own creation.  The story of a commoner marrying her prince might ultimately backfire against the monarchy, after all, if anyone can be royalty, why does Great Britain need the Royal Family, especially since they have been nothing more than figureheads since the 17th century and UK taxpayers are funding a good chunk of their extravagant lifestyles?

There is tension within the Royal Family already about Kate not being a blood princess, rumored to have been started when the Queen issued the Order of Precedence, decreeing that when not in the presence of William, Kate must curtsey to the York Princesses who are royalty by birth, not marriage, and to Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, regardless of whether or not Prince William accompanies her because she is married to the first in line to the throne.  Both Kate Middleton and the York Princesses are accused of using Mean Girls tactics against each other.  According to one report, Kate Middleton invited Princess Beatrice to a party, not telling her of the dress code, then publically humiliated her for not being properly attired, one of the reporters in attendance was said to have found Princess Beatrice crying in the bathroom.  Then Princess Beatrice’s sister Princess Eugenie was believed to have introduced Prince Harry to his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas in retaliation for Kate’s hostility to the York Princesses.  The matchmaking effort was thought to be an effort to make Kate jealous because Prince William left Kate for Cressida’s gorgeous half sister Isabella in 2007.  Waity Katie allegedly took William back under the condition he never see Isabella again, a promise that would be impossible to honor if Cressida and Prince Harry got married.

I don’t doubt that there will be an increasing number of those wondering why Prince William was permitted to marry such a common girl as the public grows bored of Lazy Katie’s superficial aspirations.  The clips from Prince George’s christening provided interesting insight into the Middleton influence on the modern monarchy.  Both Kate and her sister Pippa seemed to reinforce their presence within the Royal Family by matching their beige outfits to Prince George’s christening gown.   Sort of a “We’re here.  We’re beige.  Get used to it.” fashion statement.   While the christening of the future monarch is a private affair, traditionally foreign dignitaries are invited because the monarchy understands its role in the global community.  The slight extended to other members of the Royal Family.  Citing a desire to keep the christening an informal affair, all but five Senior Royals were excluded from the guest list.  Only the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, the Duchess of Cornwall, and Prince Harry were invited.

While the christening was said to be the duke and duchess’ modern approach to the event, the informality seemed an affront to royal tradition and etiquette.  After awkwardly greeting the Queen, Kate had to fumble a forgotten curtsey to Prince Philip.  I know that seems like a minor point to most but royals takes the gesture of respect to senior royals seriously, it is why the Queen established the Order of Precedence.  Some might point out that I improperly refer to the Duchess of Cambridge as Kate, Kate Middleton, Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle, Duchess of Lamebridge, Sock Puppet and the Duchess of Dull, and that would be a fair point.  However given the aggressive measures she took in order to nab the prince, it’s safe to say she pursued the pomp and ceremony of being married to a royal and therefore signed on for the etiquette whereas my critical bitchiness is part of my nature and thus obtained by more honest means.

I do think that the Palace takes note of public criticism of Kate in order to try to avoid the mistakes made by other women who married into the family.  In attempt to lessen the pressures on the Duchess By Design, they gave her a grace period, but Kate settled too comfortably into averaging a mere thirty official royal appearances a year compared to the four hundred or so the eight-seven year old Queen knocks out annually.   Kate initially announced she would be the patron of four charities and announced three more this year for a whopping total of seven in the three years since she married into the Royal Family.  Her father-in-law Prince Charles is patron to more than four hundred charities.  It’s unlikely Lazy Katie will become more ambitious during this next year, the Palace announced that Prince William is taking a “transition” year between leaving the Royal Air Force and assuming his royal duties full-time.  Which probably means more vacations for the Duchess of Doolittle and the global snickering that follows such announcements.

One of the things I noticed about the footage from Prince George’s christening was that Kate didn’t seem to have bonded with George, when he was in her arms and not in her husband’s, she carried him like he was one of her accessories purchased on High Street instead of her son.  Two days after the christening, another photo was released, this one showing Kate actually looking at her son.  It was noted that the picture was taken at the same time of the others, an interesting comment that made me wonder if it was staged after-the-fact or if so many others had noticed a lack of motherly affection at the christening, that showing a tender moment was deemed necessary for Kate’s public image.

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Ultimately what bothers me about Kate Middleton is that along with all semblance of a personality, she has been stripped of ambition to be anything other than what she is, someone who is trying to pick and chose what royal duties she wants to go with her title.  She is a woman who sacrificed her dream of attending Edinburgh, all of her plans that didn’t involve the prince as well as the truths of own her love story which she revised and respun to be more palpable.  She is a fictional character, of her own creation, further molded by the press’ fascination and the cautious hands of the Royal Family’s Bootcamp training her so she doesn’t damage public perception of the monarchy like Princess Diana did.  I think the royal bride with the crazy eyes would be far more interesting than the Duchess with the pageant smile, if there’s any of her that has survived the constant lacquering.  Perhaps the reason Kate doesn’t do more charity work is because in rewriting herself for her prince, she has lost touch with her own humanity.  But Kate could prove to be the perfect Duchess by Design, after all, when her shell starts to crack, it’s quite possible we’ll discover she’s totally hollow, with nothing inside of her that could be an embarrassment to the royal family.

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Love,

Lola