Tag Archives: Duchess of Doolittle

The Middletons Take Mustique

After three events on Monday for which child-scarer Kate Middleton looked like a Clueless Miss Geist, the duchess became a self-fulfilling punchline when she jetted off to Mustique on Thursday with Prince William, Prince George, her mother, father, sister and brother and several Royal Protection Officers.

Despite being ‘too pregnant’ to join Prince William on a tour of China and Japan, Kate is apparently just pregnant enough for the nine hour flight to her favorite Caribbean destination.  No Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum to spoil the Caribbean Queen’s third trimester two week getaway with the Middletons, which is fortunate, had Kate’s pregnancy really been a difficult one and not just billed so to get out of duties, there might be concern that the future fourth-in-line to the throne was several islands away from the most basic of hospital care.

The trip is ostensibly to celebrate Middleton Matriarch Carole’s 60th birthday which apparently the Doolittles were unable to do when they spent this past weekend with Kate’s parents at Bucklebury or during the two weeks or so that the Middleton family spent at Anmer Hall around the Christmas holidays.

Surely this birthday celebration for Carole has been in the works for a while and yet Prince William still opted to forego Christmas Day with his grandmother, preferring to spend it instead with Carole and the rest of the Middleton clan in a mansion gifted to him by Her Majesty.  Apparently with the short deck Prince William seems to be playing with these days, Carole trumps the Queen.  With Carole Middleton seemingly always getting top priority, isn’t every day Carole’s birthday?

But this Mustique trip had to have an official reason to make it slightly more palpable to the press, after all, Prince William has been doing very few official engagements while supposedly training to be an air ambulance pilot, Kate just took several weeks off around Christmas from all that nothing she does, and they couldn’t call it a Babymoon because they just had one of those in November, nor could it be a second honeymoon because they just had one of those ten months ago in the Maldives… so Carole’s birthday celebration it is.

While this is a private Middleton getaway, unfortunately it still comes with a hefty price tag for taxpayers who foot the bill for security and any additional staff the couple brings, such as the nanny.  These costs include round-trip business class tickets, luxury resort lodging, per diem and overtime.  While RPO numbers are never released for “security” reasons, I estimate a dozen Royal Protection Officers were brought along to Mustique to guard the villa, The Heir-To-The-Heir, The Heir-To-The-Heir-To-The-Heir and The Hair.  Despite taxpayer financial contributions to this trip, it’s doubtful taxpayers will even get to see pictures from this latest holiday.  In the past, other guests on Mustique have complained about royal security restricting movement on the island, taking away their cell phones and even questioning them before allowing them on the beach (which makes the 2013 babymoon pics even more curious, with many believing Carole was somehow involved).  But, who knows, maybe Prince William will spring for some “Kate and Wills Blew My Tax Money on Another Holiday and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” souvenirs.  Or maybe Prince William prefers the more classic “I’m With Stupid” design. redheart

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Daily Mail Reporter Might Be Hearing Voices

On September 1st, The Daily Mail Online ran an article proclaiming Malta giddy with anticipation over Kate Middleton’s scheduled two-day tour on the 20th and 21st of September.

The reporter, Harry Mount, declared, “Already the island has gone Kate-crazy.  People could talk of little else as I traveled around Malta and its neighbour, Gaza.”

I found that Daily Mail claim interesting because the majority of the comments I’ve heard from Malta residents about Kate’s upcoming tour fell somewhere on the spectrum between indifferent and annoyed.  Which honestly makes sense, Malta is celebrating 50 years of independence, why would they be particularly excited about honoring a representative of a monarchy from which they fought to sever ties?  Sure, Queen Elizabeth II is a respected international figure and had some happy WWII marriage memories there, but perhaps instead of her sending a woman with a track record of flashing her lady parts on foreign soil, Her Majesty could send Malta an Edible Arrangements Fruit Bouquet with a card that reads something like, “Congrats on cutting ties with us!  I keep trying to “accidentally” lose certain members of my family on hunts, you really must share your secret on how you successfully got rid of us, the skinny fidgety commoner has worked my last nerve.”  I’m sure the Maltese would appreciate the basket more, especially if Queen Elizabeth springs for the kind that has the fruit dipped in chocolate.  Some of the containers they come in are really cute, too.

So where is all this supposed excited buzz about Kate’s visit that the Daily Mail is reporting on?  Is the article some overly zealous Buckingham Palace PR Piece dutifully printed by the UK’s not-so-free-press or are Daily Mail reporters now starting to hear voices?

It turns out, Malta is equally mystified over the Daily Mail’s allegations of the island going Kate-crazy.  The Times of Malta took to the streets in search of the reported excitement over the Duchess’ visit and unable to find it, concluded, “the reporter might have been a tad overzealous in his assessment…”

While the Daily Mail at best fibbed again about Kate’s alleged popularity, I do know some people who would be excited to see her, her charities: Action on Addiction, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, The Art Room, The National Portrait Gallery, Place2Be, SportsAid and The Natural History Museum.  In terms of the charities the press claims are so near and dear to her heart, this year the Duchess of Doolittle has only bothered showing up to an M-Pact event, that laughably “secret charity visit” to EACH “leaked” in June that happened to be captured by AP photographers, and the two photo op events back in February at the National Portrait Gallery and the Art Room.

Here’s a zany idea, but if Kate did actually try to make a positive impact in the world, more people would be genuinely excited about seeing her so the Daily Mail wouldn’t potentially be forced to spin fictional fanfare.

Because of Kate Middleton’s seemingly pathological laziness, the PR puffery currently being employed as a counter-measure only sets her up for a bigger fall.  If Kate’s presence doesn’t attract crowds from what appears to be a fictitious  Maltese fan base, Kate will be declared incompetent of even being able to manage a short little two-day tour on her own.  Such a failure would be an even bigger story for the papers.  If by some combination of animatronics, Special FX and genie wishes Kate actually manages to pull off serving as a suitable representative for her country, with all the pre-hype, it will be generally assumed her success was due to her international celebrity that had Malta “Kate-crazy” for weeks, thus requiring no real effort on her part.  Ultimately, the only real winner is the press, with the possible exception of the reporter, Harry Mount, if he really thinks he did hear excited Kate-crazy chatter in Malta.  If that’s the case, I wish him all the best on his road to recovery.



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Seven Kitchens Kate

Okay, I’m a bit confused.  Which admittedly happens quite a bit, but usually not with basic math.  When Kate Middleton and Prince William moved into Kensington Palace, Apartment 1A had three kitchens, two of which were staff kitchens, with a family kitchen on the ground floor.  Kate added a second private kitchen for Cambridge-use-only, which means they’ve now got four kitchens.  Three plus one equals four.  So why is the press taking jabs at Kate by referring to her as Two Kitchens Kate?

Maybe the press doesn’t count the two staff kitchens, used by their staff of over twenty?  The twenty-plus staff who were moved into newly refurbished offices at Kensington Palace, the cost of which remains undisclosed but still paid for by the taxpayer.  The twenty-plus staff that the press conveniently glosses over because Kate is just so much like us.  I keep my staff of twenty plus in the castle I had been using for sweater storage because my flying monkeys kept getting tangled up in their hair.

So really Kensington Palace has four kitchens unless of course Kate sealed off the two staff kitchens, perhaps thinking that commoners are like cats, once you feed them, they keep coming back.  Let them eat cake, just elsewhere please.

There are also two staff kitchens at Anmer Hall, one for the guards and another in the nanny’s quarters in addition to the existing $65,000 family kitchen there they are ripping up.  The new kitchen will have an air purifying refrigerator with NASA-designed technology which runs $25,000 a pop, an oven that costs a cool $13,600, a $6,800 sink and tons of pricy gadgets like the Tubie which is a hands-free machine that dries and irons clothing in minutes and will undoubtedly freak out Lupo.

Snow White had seven dwarfs, Waity has seven kitchens.  This modern fairytale sucks, I don’t think even Disney could make it endearing, there are just far too many characters walking around with poisoned produce.

Despite Kate having a kitchen for every day of the week, the press is sticking with the moniker Two Kitchens Kate.  And as Waity Katie knows, once the media latches on to a nickname it sticks.  With all the public grumblings and turning tides, Kate should be working her ass off.  There was a flicker of hope there for a second a couple of weeks ago but Kate probably spied an LK Bennett sale happening on the path of least resistance, decided the whole effort thing blows and had her assistant call for one of the Bentleys.

Instead of proving herself to be more than a pampered pet, Kate’s July calendar has remained clear following her July 1st engagement, save for the awkward unofficial Wimbledon appearances where her clapping looked like a PSA for helmet safety and the exhausting Tour de France ribbon cutting on July 5th shown in this screen grab:   


Ribbon cutting isn’t neurosurgery so I’m not sure why she required a two-prince-assist.  It is kind of cool though that there are photos for the history books of the precise moment the British Royal Family jumped the shark.

Kate will be attending the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow on July 28th and 29th, so until then Kate will be doing whatever it is Kate does while the nanny and various taxpayer-funded household staff take care of Kate’s so-called hands-on duties as mother and homemaker.  My theory has been that Prince William has a laser pointer and Kate runs around trying to catch the red dot but I’m sure she watches television too and probably plays with balls of yarn.

In order to restore Kate’s image following the recent unflattering press, there appears to be an attempt to refocus attention on Kate as a mother complete with golden halo and harp music.  There are quite a few stories about how Prince George cried through his breastfeeding stage, not sleeping through the night until the beginning of this year when solid food was introduced into his diet.  If the story was intended to garner sympathy, I admit I do feel bad that seventy-one year old Nanny Webb had to go through all that.  I’m not so sure the story did much to bolster Kate’s reputation.  The problem with obvious PR moves is people aren’t a fan of the obvious.  Deception is far more palpable if it has at least some entertainment value.  I will forgive a lie much more easily if it involves a dance number, train hoppin’ hobos and a monkey.

Babies are a PR goldmine, normally the public will forgive even the most egregious behavior with just a hint of a new bundle of joy.  In previous posts, I predicted Kate would try to line up getting pregnant with the spare to coincide with the Royal Household Annual Accounts reports released at the end of June.  Well, it’s being reported that Jessica Hay, a former school friend of Kate’s, has confirmed Kate is pregnant.  Pregnancy rumors are nothing new for the Duchess of Doolittle except this is the same former friend who accurately reported Kate was pregnant the first time around so it has some credibility.  While it could just be a planted rumor Kate tried to make seem more believable by giving her stomach what appeared to be a pregnancy pat at the Tour de France event, Kate’s face does seem like it’s either retaining fluids or dermal fillers.

Regardless, the spare is inevitable.  A second will give Kate a nice nine month break before a year of maternity leave, plus however many years she can pull off saying that her family is her first priority and the reason she can’t do more engagements.  I have the highest respect for mothers but when Kate married Prince William, she took a duchess title that came with duties.  She said, “I do”, not only to a man, but to a commonwealth as well.  Kate is provided with an extensive staff to be able to perform the duties expected of her, funded by taxpayers.  If Kate wishes to live the lifestyle of a private citizen, she should do so without the allocated resources of a fulltime working royal.

The more Kate and Prince William try to live as private public figures, the more they alienate those who fund their lifestyles.  Why should taxpayers pay an undisclosed sum somewhere in the millions of dollars for their annual security protection when the UK’s Laziest Royals put in so few official engagements, then complain about their lack of privacy as they wait to live in the secluded luxury of Anmer Hall, away from photographers and cell phone cameras?  In a curious move some speculated was part of Prince William’s broader campaign to control the media, the United for Wildlife charity cricket match on Monday was declared a private event, shutting out freelance photographers and attaching copyright terms to the released photos.  The couple is also reported to be asking for the airspace above Anmer Hall to be declared a no-fly zone, filing a claim that photos taken at the end of May were below the legally required 500 feet.  The CAA is still trying to determine if there’s enough evidence to even launch an investigation into their claim but have indicated that the rules were the same for royal residences as they were non-royal ones.  With all their privacy complaints and scheduled move to seclusion, it kind of sounds like they are on their way towards writing a 35,000 word manifesto about technology and freedom.  Hopefully the next Kate Effect doesn’t involve hoodies and aviator sunglasses.

Normally babies are a jackpot in terms of public perception but I doubt Kate’s second pregnancy will have a tremendous restorative impact on her image.  July could have marked a turning point on how Kate would be historically remembered, but she has instead chosen inaction as her course.  I really don’t think it matters what Kate Middleton does past this point or how many cute Prince Grumpy Cats she gives birth to, if she is called Waity Katie, Lazy Katie or Two Kitchens Kate, historically she is likely to be referred to as the woman who sank the British Monarchy.  I always hope for the best from people but I fear Kate truly may be hopeless.


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WAG Pretends She Was Supportive RAF Wife – BARF

Living in the Slipstream: Life as an RAF Wife comes out May 29th.  As it was reported back in February, Kate Middleton contributed the forward.


Normally I support any literary contribution and would celebrate Kate Middleton doing something other than shopping but her penning the forward, undoubtedly with the assistance of a ghostwriter which is common practice for celebrities and pubic figures, reeks of hypocrisy.

Prince William and Kate moved to Anglesey in January 2011 when Prince William began active service as a search and rescue pilot and were wed on April 29, 2011.   Kate turned down the offer to join the RAF Valley Wives Club where spouses of search and rescue pilots support each other and the local community through organizing charitable events.  Maybe the RAF Valley Wives shouldn’t have mentioned the whole helping others thing which the Duchess of Doolittle has a track record of avoiding, preferring to count movie premieres and events like sailing and wine tastings on Royal Vacation Tours as her official engagements.

Instead of Kate settling into the role of RAF wife as the press claimed, Kate embraced a life of shopping, lunches and vacations.  After the ten day honeymoon in Seychelles, it was announced that the upcoming Canadian Tour in July had been extended to include Los Angeles at the request of the Duchess.  Lazy Katie wanted to enjoy some time in Hollywood on the taxpayer’s dime and stretch out Prince William’s leave a little more, leave that no other military member would have been granted on the heels of a long vacation.

Kate's Hot for Hollywood

Kate’s Hot for Hollywood

While the RAF Wives tried to include Kate despite her rejection of club membership, she snubbed them at every turn, frequently flitting off to shop in London and of course spend time with her mother in Bucklebury, viewing Anglesey as a place to escape the pressures of her royal role by using the excuse she was an RAF Wife.  She got out of the pressures of being an RAF Wife by using the excuse she was a royal.  The RAF Wives were hurt by her attitude towards them, they were reported to have felt that Kate acted like spending any time with them was beneath her.

Kate spent so much time in London and at Bucklebury while she was an RAF Wife that the excuse had to be offered that she planned these escapes around Prince William’s schedule, choosing to be away from the “loneliness” of Anglesey when he was working long shifts to quell rumors of marital discord or Kate being a silly vacuous WAG.  Loneliness is a very real problem that spouses of military personnel have to deal with, that’s why the RAF wives support each other, but Kate wasn’t interested.  She wasn’t concerned about being there for other wives or even her own husband who often came home to an empty house after shifts.  Kate was BFFs with Prince Charles’ Money, it’s the only relationship she appeared to care about.  Emotional support is for peasants.

The only appeal being an RAF Wife had to Kate was the privacy it afforded her as well as being an excuse to delay Duchess Duties.  Residents of Anglesey were very respectful of the couple’s privacy, didn’t take photos, only a handful talked to the press, instead locals would gather and share stories with each other about how Kate and Prince William would don sunglasses, baseball caps and the occasional wigs and drive around in a beat-up white van to disguise themselves, thinking they were fooling the locals who were instead bemused by their efforts.  When someone asked them once about their ridiculous get-ups, they claimed the disguises were for charity which I can only assume is an inside joke with the Lazy Duo.  Charity!  Isn’t that a hoot?

While the press likes to spin that Prince William and Kate were living a normal life like any other couple, they weren’t.  Kate took frequent trips to London and Bucklebury to enjoy duchess luxuries not available to the average RAF wife or average anyone for that matter. Prince William and Kate didn’t socialize with Anglesey residents and their standing monthly date with each other was the bloodsport of pheasant hunting.  Wherever Willnot and Kannot went, they had their security detail with them at all times which aren’t the most welcoming bunch by nature of the job.  The couple’s security gave one satellite television repairman the scare of his life when his navigation system misdirected him to the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle’s driveway where a team of gun-blazing Scotland Yard security men surrounded him.  I shudder to think of the reception that door to door salesmen or cookie peddling Girl Scouts got.  The presence of their security detail was anything but discreet, Prince William would be picked up each morning for work in a Range Rover and his security motorcade or a helicopter.  I’m pretty sure that’s not how most people go to work.

Prince William’s stint as a search and rescue pilot ended on August 5, 2013.  Kate had been staying in Bucklebury with the Middletons in the weeks before and after the birth of her son on July 22, 2013 when her husband finished up with the No. 22 Squadron.

In Kate’s forward of the book, it says:

I loved my time in Anglesey when William was serving with RAF Search and Rescue. I cannot pretend that I didn’t feel anxious at times when William was on shift in howling gales, knowing that he was out flying in extremely challenging conditions, but he loved doing it and I always felt incredibly proud of him. I also knew that I was not alone and that there were many supportive Search and Rescue wives on Anglesey and at other bases across the country.

I have no doubt Kate’s time in Anglesey was happy, she got to play house whenever it suited her and wile away the rest of the time enjoying the perks of her royal status without the responsibilities she finds so irksome.  However, talking about the support of the other wives is hypocritical, she wanted nothing to do with them, she removed herself from them as much as possible.  This forward is nothing more than a PR attempt to create the illusion in retrospect that Kate was fulfilling the role as a military wife.  Kate is doing what she does best here, playing dress-up, adding a dust jacket to her ensemble, except this time it’s insulting to military families.  The book contains personal accounts of over one hundred actual RAF wives and was edited by Jill Black, Holly Jeffers and Alison Bairsto, real life military wife friends who genuinely support each other unlike Kate who can’t be bothered.



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4 Things You Didn’t Know Kate Middleton Invented

In the absence of Kate Middleton appearances until Thursday May 25th, journalists are taking some liberties to keep her in the headlines, crediting the Duchess of Doolittle for a Kate Effect so strong it can actually rewrite history.  Here are four things you might be surprised to discover Kate Middleton recently invented:

redheartbulletpoint Moving on after a break-up.  It’s being reported Cressida Bonas is  taking a page out of Kate’s 2007 Break-up Guide by being a twenty-five year-old girl hitting the town on Thursday night with her princess pals Eugenie and Beatrice instead of donning the traditional mourning veil, taking a vow of celibacy and entering a convent like every other woman throughout history following a break-up.  I used to think sitting at home in scuba gear knitting the never-ending scarf was the best revenge but going out in a sexy dress being seen having fun with friends makes more sense.  Thank goodness Kate finally liberated us so we too could go outside once a relationship ended.

redheartbulletpoint Babysitting.  Sure fourteen year-old girls do it every day, but babysitting duty is being given for the excuse why Kate was a no-show at the event honoring the Ralph Lauren Breast Cancer Center.  Despite having a full-time nanny, hand-picked housekeeper who serves as nanny back-up, and an extensive team of additional child-rearing support, Kate is apparently the only one in the world who can watch George to make the excuse plausible which I guess makes the Maldives vacation a case of child abandonment punishable by up to ten years in prison.

redheartbulletpoint The Color Yellow.  Media outlets are reporting that yellow dress sales have increased since Kate wore the Roksanda Ilincic banana dress.  Except Kate’s been wearing all shades of yellow for years now, below is a sampling, including one of the Calgary bum flashing pics, so those who don’t feel like seeing Kate’s bare bum, please skip over the below yellow dress pics.  This time Kate’s yellow frock happened to be on trend, coinciding with the strong presence of yellow on the runways for Spring 2014.


redheartbulletpoint Pearls.  The Daily Mail is crediting Kate Middleton with the return of pearls which the publication claims are being Copykated by Sarah Jessica Parker, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, and Angelina Jolie among a long list of fashionable celebs.  All thanks to Kate’s Annoushka Jewellry Pearl Drop Earrings.  Kate’s never wears pearl necklaces, at least not in public, but when she does, she will have invented them.  Sorry, Angelina Jolie, you only thought you wore these pearl earrings to the “Hotel Rwanda” premiere on December 2, 2004.  You didn’t, Kate was only twenty-two at the time.


Speaking of Annoushka Jewellry, I received a Twitter shout-out from them for mentioning their earrings in McQueen Outfits McDuchess in PMS Pink.  It was surprising because I forgot I even had a Twitter account.  The post had received my highest number of hits to date and of course I thought people were drawn to it because it was a well-written piece on social awareness.  Nope, it turns out I was just among the first of the bloggers who identified the earrings, apparently others were looking for the designer name that was part of my itemized breakdown of Kate’s outfit.  So I do have to eat a little crow and admit the Kate Effect exists and is responsible for what had been my highest traffic day at the time.  The record has been since replaced thanks to mentions on Royal Dish and KateMiddletonReview.

I wanted to say thank you to Annoushka Jewellry for the shout-out, I’m a huge fan of their designs.  Seriously, check out the Annoushka Jewellery site, it’s like jewelry porn except you don’t have to clear your browser history after visiting.  I have a pretty major crush on this ring:

AnnoushkkaStellarMoonRingIf there’s a boost in sales due to this mention, I’d appreciate it if it could be referred to (even if it’s a quiet internal musing by someone at Annoushka), as the “Hi, temi! Effect”.



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