Tag Archives: Duke and Duchess of Doolittle

Unhappy on the Upper East Side

It was bad enough Kate and William were coming to NYC, NOW they don’t even have the decency to stay at the Waldorf as rumored?  Noooo, the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle have to spend their excuse for a little taxpayer/charity-funded NYC holiday getaway at the Carlyle, a mere 250 meters from my apartment and the location of my favorite bar to grab cocktails, the Cafe Carlyle.  Of all of the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, the Crotch Clutcher has to walk into mine?  That’s just spiteful.

So in addition to the challenges of navigating city sidewalks with a brand new seven month-old rescue pup who is like an ADHD toddler on steroids, now I have to look out for Wedges of Doom and the fluttering hemlines of the Polyester Princess blowing up and obscuring my vision?

Bloody hell.

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William the Reluctant

Prince William turned 32 on Saturday.  The father, husband and second in line to the throne of England is still no closer to figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up despite the birthright he still views as a birthwrong.  Today he wants to be a helicopter pilot, perhaps tomorrow he’ll want to be a cowboy.  Prince William is a man of many interests, none of which appear to be his role as a future king.

As a child, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and scream, “I don’t want to be king.”  As a teenager his outbursts against his inherited role were chalked up to teenage rebellion.  He resented both the media and his protection detail, shouting at both, “Why won’t you just let me be a normal person?”  When Wills aged past the age of hormonally-explained dissent, Prince Charles attempted to instill in him a sense of duty, resorting to getting third parties like protection officers to convince the petulant prince to embrace his destiny as king.  Now thirty-two, Prince William’s defiance involves less kicking, but he still appears just as reluctant to accept his destiny, a destiny for which his own mother believed that his brother Harry was better suited.

It’s anticipated that Prince William will soon announce that he’s accepted a position as a pilot for East Anglian Air Ambulance and that he, Kate and Prince George will ditch their digs in Kensington Palace which just cost taxpayers $6.8 million to renovate in order to take up residence at Anmer Hall, a hundred and twenty miles north of London.  So much for Kensington Palace being their primary residence.  So much for assuming more royal responsibilities.  So much for a lot of things.

The helicopter pilot gig has been maybe happening since April.  The timing of the announcement coinciding with the release of the Kensington Palace renovation report makes me even more suspicious that William the Reluctant is becoming William the Destroyer, blasting as many holes in the monarchy as he can before he attempts to sink it.  Perhaps the Republican Movement simply isn’t moving fast enough for his taste so Prince William is trying to annihilate the monarchy from the inside.

Throughout his life, Prince William has approached his role as future king with contempt that’s worn many veils, but the underlying issue has always remained the same, Prince William despises being watched.  Realistically, there will always be some level of interest in Prince William either for who he will be or who he could have been.  Whether historically remembered as William the Reluctant or William the Destroyer, the only privilege Wills wasn’t born with was the option to be irrelevant.

This past year was labeled a transitional year by the Palace to explain why Prince William, now in his thirties, is still balking over becoming a full-time royal.  Perhaps like his wife, Kate, Prince William is allergic to things he doesn’t want to do.  Prince William couldn’t even make it through a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge without taking two vacations.  The royal tour of Australia and New Zealand was laughably light on scheduled events, his calendar of official engagements has been as sparse as the hair on top of the heir’s head and now he’s taking another giant step away from the throne with this decision to play pilot.  He can’t have the perks without the responsibilities, he’s either in or he’s out.  So why is he still being considered for the job of king when he so clearly doesn’t want the only part of it that’s beneficial to the people of the UK?

There are those who believe that if Prince William removes himself from the line of succession, the British Monarchy wouldn’t survive, an opinion rumored to be shared by the Queen.  It’s also been suggested that William only presently endures his loathsome role out of deference to his grandmother.  Wait, so Wills has actually been on his best behavior?  I shudder to think what his worst behavior looks like but I imagine it involves plushy orgies, paintball tournaments in Buckingham Palace and Wills riding around on an armored tiger with his robe open and a butter knife raised above his head proclaiming, “I have the power.”

Whether he leaves or stays, it appears more and more likely that the end of the British monarchy will come at the hands of Mr. Kate Middleton.  Prince William’s decision to postpone his destiny by at least another year undermines the future of the British monarchy as taxpayers struggle to see the value in a prince who is more interested in leading a private life than becoming king.  Money from the Sovereign’s Grant that should be spent on upkeep of the palaces is instead being allocated to appease the petulant prince and his lazy wife to the outrage of many taxpayers.  The new helicopter that will be used to shuttle the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle to official engagements from Anmer Hall comes out of the Sovereign’s Grant despite Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace being in urgent need of repairs.  Priceless art and artifacts are in danger of being destroyed by leaky roofs while the whims of Prince William and Kate are being catered to.  If the Firm is unable to adequately manage itself, how effectively can it serve the people of the United Kingdom?  Should the future of the monarchy really be in the hands of someone who is so disinterested in it?  Perhaps it’s better to take their chances with a King Harry who genuinely has a sense of duty rather than a man who is woefully unprepared to be first in line to the throne and take over the Duchy of Cornwall.

I just want to say a quick thanks to gingerboy24 of Royal Gossip for posting the link to my blog.  I’ve tried to join Royal Gossip in the past to thank individuals for their support, but the forum wisely wouldn’t have me as a member.  And of course, thank you to temi for always being wonderful amazing you!

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Peasantly Surprised

The Daily Mail ran a story on Friday with the info from the Royal Household Annual Accounts that’s had Palace aides popping Rennies for months. Renovations for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s Kensington Palace home have spiraled so far out of control, the blown budget has been spotted hanging out with Lindsay Lohan at Chiltern Firehouse.

Back in March, there was quite an uproar when news leaked that the budget footed by UK taxpayers for Apartment 1A had gone from the $1.8 million to $3.5 million and Kate wasn’t thrilled with the results.  Well, according to June’s Royal Household Annual Account, the grand total now is around $6,805,000, quadruple the original estimate.  Surprise!

In the olden days, a pitchfork and torch-wielding mob could gather to voice peasant displeasure, but very few people have pitchforks anymore and torches are just so cumbersome.   These days publicists fight the battles against the disenchanted and try to keep theoretical tea from being tossed into a harbor.

The Daily Mail reports that a spokesman for the couple claims because it was last renovated in 1963, a “significant amount of work had to be done to make it habitable again…   To put it in perspective, there wasn’t even any running water.”

Princess Margaret lived in the four story “apartment” until 1997 and of course we all remember the Queen’s sister in her sixties beating her laundry on rocks and carrying buckets full of water back from the Thames, sometimes running into Nellie Oleson who would show off a doll or a dress poor Princess Margaret couldn’t afford because money was tight on the prairie.  The 90s were a crazy, historically inaccurate decade.  Even though Buckingham Palace might want to portray Apartment 1A as having tumbleweeds blowing through the hallways, it wasn’t an abandoned ghost town.  The charity Historic Royal Palaces was operating out of the apartment, paying for necessary repairs and minor work for the space they were using out of their own pockets until they were given the boot to make way for the married couple.

Prince William and Kate were given several options for their home.  Kate was insistent on her own private garden which narrowed the possibilities.  Wills wanted to take his mother’s old apartment which had a private garden and would have required much less work, but it was reported that Kate was creeped out by the possibility of running into her late mother-in-law’s spirit.  Or at least ghost “wobblies” were said to be the reason Kate had to have Apartment 1A which was the biggest and grandest of all the possible residences available that weren’t once home to Princess Diana.  Personally, I think Prince Diana’s spirit is probably more creeped out by Kate.

Asbestos is being fingered as the cause of the Kensington Palace renovations costing millions of dollars.  Except the asbestos removal was covered by the original estimate.  Must be spooky mysteriously reappearing ghost asbestos, ghost asbestos giving Kate the wobblies.

If the original $1.8 million was to cover the “necessary renovations”, I guess the rest must have been for unnecessary renovations.  Perhaps it went towards platinum stripper poles and maybe a Starbuck’s and a Zara’s next to Kate’s private bathroom for when Kate’s far too tuckered to leave the Palace or has exceeded her monthly flashing limit?

$6,805,000 is a lot of money.  Okay, you can’t buy everyone in the world a Coke, a lot of people would have to share, but it is enough money to feed the severely malnourished children in London or save the lives of the thousands of UK citizens who will die this winter because they can’t afford to heat their homes.  It’s enough to help single mothers who are struggling to provide basic necessities for their children and a brighter future than cramped dilapidated housing.  $6.8 million is almost all that East Anglia’s Childrens Hospices needs to build a new hospital.  But having three state-of-the art kitchens in one home is super-important, too.

Not that the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle haven’t had to make sacrifices.  After all, they are expected to let other family members borrow the $13.6 million helicopter the Queen is leasing for them in helicopter emergencies when no other helicopter is available.  A new helicopter makes sense though, how else would they get to their country estate, Anmer Hall?  Driving’s for peasants.  So is paying for the Cambridge’s extravagant lifestyles.

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Memorial Day Kardashian/Cambridge Mashup

If Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the #worldsmosttalkedaboutcouple, then the world has come down with a case of laryngitis.  Crowds of teens gathered outside the wedding venue weren’t there to catch a glimpse of the bride and groom, they were holding up Justin Bieber signs in the hope that the singer would show up as a wedding guest.  The bride and groom haven’t been trending on Yahoo, but among those who have been are Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze’s widow who married jeweler Albert DePrisco, Harry Potter who is fictional and actress Juliette Binoche who is at Cannes.  In fact, the closest thing I saw to Kimye in the Trending Top Ten is Finnish race car driver Kimi Raikkonen.

Kim’s third trip down the aisle was decidedly less star-studded than the wedding her last groom declared was all a sham.  Beyonce and Jay Z opted to not be part of Cirque de so Overplayed.  Vogue editor Anna Wintour was unable to attend because of a family obligation.  Brother Brody Jenner offered the excuse that he was going to be DJing in Chicago at the time.  And brother Rob Kardashian flew to Paris only to turn around and come home after the bride-to-be reportedly chastised him for not losing weight for her wedding, thus making Rob Kardashian the only member of his family who appears to have any self respect.

While America has answered this self-hyping couple with the sound of crickets, I think we need to go one step further and lock up the US while the Kardashian clan is still in Europe, chains, padlocks, whatever it takes.  Rob Kardashian can stay since he appears to only be an asymptomatic carrier of Kardashian Famewhoreitis although he will need to be quarantined if he’s responsible for any Typhoid Mary-type Twitter Selfie Outbreaks.

Kim Kardashian’s Givenchy wedding dress was a “sexy” version of the Kate Middleton wedding dress, proving that even boring can be turned trashy in the skilled hands of a former sex tape star.  Rebecca Potzner posted a pic of the wedding dress on Instagram, I took a screen grab of it to show Kim Kardashian’s Kate Middleton-inspired wedding dress and veil.  Still not a fan of the cocoon effect the veil has, especially since we know what’s going to hatch from it.

kimkardashianweddingdress

In case you missed the starpulse.com article about Kate Middleton and Prince William, it’s a must-read account of the growing animosity both inside and outside palace gates towards the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle’s disregard for duty.  The article a well-articulated overview of mounting tension within the family that also highlights how Kate lies to get out of events, claiming the Queen told her not to worry about duties and just enjoy her family.  Lazy Kate has been spinning a yarn to get out of work even before she was duchess, the paparazzi, deceased mother-in-law, Prince William, pregnancy and Prince George have all been her offered excuses.  Now Kate’s pinning her lazy ways on someone who no one would dare question, the Queen.  No wonder Kate never wears pants, the liar liar would perpetually find them on fire.

Kate’s love of full skirts in windy conditions has sparked a new privacy debate about a photo being auctioned of Kate’s bare bum which was exposed at the Blue Mountains event.  Kim Kardashian isn’t the only one with a famous ass, the backside of Kate, Duchess of Kambridge can get some attention, too.  Here’s a look behind the bum scandal scenes, Wills does not look happy: http://lookagiraffe.tumblr.com.

This isn’t the first time Kate has flashed her bare bum, and I’m not talking about the bottomless bikini balcony pics from France or her exposed backside at Calgary or all of the so-called wardrobe malfunctions.  Kate was a serial mooner in her younger days, earning her the nickname Kate Middlebum in Marlborough College for her frequently dropping trou to expose her bare behind to boys to improve her popularity.

Kate already had one wardrobe malfunction on the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour, she’s aware of both underwear and the extra-windy conditions related to air travel, she might be dim-witted but she’s certainly not headless.  Given that in her younger days, she exposed herself to make boys like her, it seems not much has really changed, except she’s not a teenager anymore, she’s a duchess, wife and mother with a history of using exhibitionism to help fuel her feelings of self-worth.

What’s interesting about this reported photo auction is that there is one at all.  Usually the public hears about Kate’s “Marilyn Moments” and thinks the duchess flashed a bit of thigh when in reality, she showed much more at these events.  As much as the paparazzi is reviled, there is an ethical code most adhere to when it comes to embarrassing wardrobe malfunction photos of First Ladies, Royals and other respected female public figures.  Photographers might show a copy to a family member or friend but the embarrassing images of respected public figures are never sold, e-mailed or posted on the internet, they remain in the possession of the photographers who took them.  Despite Queen Elizabeth’s use of hem weights and careful clothing selections, there have been a couple of slight wardrobe malfunction photos taken during her sixty-two year reign that will never ever see the light of day out of respect to the monarch.  Kate never earned that same kind of respect because of her pre-Duchess days as Waity Katie and The Mattress.

For those who don’t know the history of The Mattress moniker, Prince William’s security detail is credited for coming up with it because of how poorly Prince William treated Kate while they were dating.  No matter how cruelly or coldly Prince William was to her, she would always run to answer his late-night booty calls so she could have the perceived honor of sexually pleasuring the Petulant Prince she called Big Willie.  Kate was his sex doormat.

It’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect herself and few really believed Prince William would actually marry The Limpet, as Prince Harry referred to Kate.  When Prince William did say I do, Kate benefited from a reserve cache of respect she got through marriage, the press kept the more embarrassing wardrobe malfunction photos out of the mainstream media and photographers would e-mail them to friends or anonymously post them online.

This Blue Mountains photo auction would suggest Kate’s used up the last of the press protection she received through marriage.  If Buckingham Palace does manage some legal maneuver to get the sale squashed or attempts to procure it using other means, I suspect some of the more embarrassing Kate photos from the past will surface as a gentle reminder to the Palace that they have been benefiting from photographer restraint.  In addition to Kate’s potential pre-Duchess indiscretions and official engagement wardrobe malfunctions, it’s been strongly hinted that far more intimate photos from the French balcony series exist, one set is rumored to show Kate kneeling before her prince en plein air.

The Lazy Duo’s reputation as a couple isn’t helped by Prince William deciding he wants to take another transitional year as an air ambulance helicopter pilot.  With only a few months to go on his transitional year between RAF pilot and full-time royal, Prince William wants to further stall the inevitable full-time duties of his birthright.  He’s thirty-one, a father, a husband and… what’s that other thing… ah, yes a Prince, it’s a little late in the game to be scrambling to think of other things he’d rather be.  If his birthright is so loathsome, he should remove himself and his son from succession instead of engaging in never-ending attempts to have the perks of royalty without any of the responsibilities.

Of course, the real appeal of the new pilot job might be the regular hours he will be spending away from Kate.  The new gig means Kate will receive her favorite gift of all, more possible excuses not to work, like taking care of Prince George all by her lonesome, with only a nanny, a housekeeper who serves as back-up nanny, a personal assistant and a whole support team of staff to help out when Prince William is away.

Prince George is revealing that he’s kind of a badass as far as babies go.  He rocks a bit of a punk mohawk, dives right into baby mosh pits, swiped a little girl’s doll and made her cry, his teething style is pure Ozzy Osbourne, and he drools and craps in his pants just like Hugh Hefner.

Prince George racked up a ton of cool stuff while on the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour like a surfboard and skateboard, but he didn’t have to budge an inch to score the latest gift, an aviator jacket that was given to Prince Charles on his Canada tour.  So now Prince George is like Top Gun cool.

PrinceGeorgeAviatorJacket

The latest on Prince George’s antics reveals that when met his second cousin, Mia, who is the daughter of Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall, he started a food fight, described by Mia’s Dad as “carnage”.

Prince George can’t even talk yet and the tiny terror already has far more personality than both of his parents combined.

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Royals Lost and Lola Found

Prince Harry, Prince William, Prince George and Kate Middleton remain MIA.  Too bad that show Without a Trace was canceled, they were super good about finding people.  Prince William was last seen yesterday on a flight to Dallas/Fort Worth, Prince Harry was last spotted in Memphis on Saturday (it’s being reported a “source” confirms they have both left Tennessee, though, but no further word on their travel plans), and Kate Middleton and Prince George have been missing since Australia.

Um, should we be putting their pictures on milk cartons?  It’s a little spooky one of the most photographed families in the world has vanished.  Right now there’s no word if the two Princes have even left the United States, so why the veil of secrecy?  Have the Windsors secretly joined forces with the Kardashians and soon E! will be announcing a new spin-off called Kourtney, Khloe, Kate, Kwilliam and Kharry Take Miami?

If Prince William travelled to Memphis from the rumored secret Middleton Switzerland Ski Trip, it turns out I’m one of the few who finds that shocking.  Nothing seems to phase more seasoned royal watchers when it comes to Princes William and Harry and Kate Middleton taking off without leaving a note on the fridge.

We might not be able to find them, but I was scanning a list of recent search engine terms that others have used to find my blog and thought I’d list just a few (with some commentary) to show why the modern monarchy needs a lot more than Kate’s hair and Prince George’s grumpy faces for an enduring positive public image.

LoveLolaHeart recent search engine terms:

redheartbulletpoint waity katie (the #1 search engine term!)

redheartbulletpoint duchess doolittle

redheartbulletpoint waity katie lazy

redheartbulletpoint lazy katie

redheartbulletpoint lazy kate middleton (huh, there seems to be a trend emerging)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton waity katie (geez, you wait around a decade for a guy to marry you and no one lets you forget it)

redheartbulletpoint lazy royals

redheartbulletpoint love lola kate middleton (thanks to my supporters and #1 fan for making me searchable by name. Hi, temi!)

redheartbulletpoint laziest royal (that’s an accomplishment, Kate, you’re #1! Yay?)

redheartbulletpoint duke & duchess doolittle (a well-matched couple)

redheartbulletpoint prince william and kate are lazy (yeah, I noticed that, too)

redheartbulletpoint lazy duo royals (Lazy Duo Royals sounds like the absolute lamest superhero team, sort of like that one Wonder Twin who can just turn into some form of water)

redheartbulletpoint love lola heart prince william (awww, and I got top billing on those searches, too!)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton is lazy

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton bottomless photos

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton wind

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton vagina

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton crotch shots

redheartbulletpoint catherine middleton is lazy (well, at least some people are finally calling her Catherine)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton pussy red dress (somewhere my Mom is just beaming with pride)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton nude (I probably disappointed some people looking for the balcony pics)

redheartbulletpoint lazy duchess of cambridge (on the bright side, they’re addressing her by her royal title)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton vapid (at least they didn’t call her lazy)

redheartbulletpoint ayers rock kate grabs her crotch

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton is a lazy slut

redheartbulletpoint kate duchess manipulative

redheartbulletpoint prince william looks bored with kate and george (to be fair, lots of us are bored with kate)

Congratulations, British Royal Family!  It seems the future Queen Consort is regarded as a lazy vapid promiscuous manipulative flasher whose only accomplishment has been waiting around a decade for a man to marry her.  Producing an heir didn’t even show up under the search engine terms used to find this blog.  And Prince William is right there next to her on the lazy scale.  This perception issue is easily mended by having them leave the Palace and resorts every now and then and make some contributions to society.  With all the royal advisors on staff whose salaries are footed by taxpayers, why hasn’t anyone made this a priority yet?

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