Tag Archives: Emily Andrews

Royal Romance Still On

There have been lots of rumors floating around that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle broke up before Christmas and he went to Norway  without her.

Emily Andrews of The Sun was kind enough to answer my inquiry about the swirling gossip and confirmed Meghan and Harry are still very much together.

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Emily Andrews got the exclusive that Meghan and Kate Middleton have finally met.  For real.  On January 10th.

I can’t imagine what Kate and Meghan chatted about.  Kate’s not exactly the gal pal type and I feel badly for whatever woman winds up with her as a sister-in-law.  While supposedly the meeting went well, I just keep picturing the 1988 film Heathers with Kate dragging Meghan out of ear-shot and telling her, “You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.  If I wasn’t the head of it, I’d want the same thing.”  Then in an attempt to bond with Kate over charity work, Meghan was probably told:

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Reportedly, Meghan gave Kate a journal as a birthday gift.  I can’t imagine what kind of deep thoughts Kate will fill it with, but maybe Meghan started it off for her.  Hopefully it wasn’t in Kate’s handwriting: “People think that just because you’re beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun.  No one understood, I had feelings too…”

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Kate Middleton Hosts SportsAid Banquet

On Thursday evening, Kate Middleton hosted a SportsAid banquet in the King’s Gallery at Kensington Palace as part of the charity’s 40th anniversary celebrations.

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Since becoming patron of SportsAid in 2013, the banquet was Kate’s sixth event for the charity which helps support young British athletes.

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Kate went with electric blue for the event.  It’s a smurfy color…

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It just feels Kate’s overdone it in an unsmurfy way.  And almost always with black court shoes and a black clutch.

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The Roland Mouret gown which retails for just under $3,000  (£2,095) also comes in midnight navy which I think would have been a more sophisticated color option.  Not a fan of the exposed zipper, though.

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The royal blue version feels too casual, although the hue can’t shoulder the blame for the dress’ lackluster styling and Kate’s posture, evoking one of Kate’s 2012 London Olympics looks.

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Kate’s $42,750 (£30,000) Diamond Tricolour Cartier Earrings were barely visible beneath her hair which was likely hungry without its usual follicular feast of extensions and wiglets.

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But they did make sporadic appearances, as can be seen in this screen grab from the Daily Mail.

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The earrings seem to be part of the same design collection as the Cartier Trinity necklace  which Kate debuted in 2012 at London’s National Portrait Gallery at an exhibit of athlete portraits.

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Kate’s  Roland Mouret dress was also accessorized with a singular hair strand.  Hopefully it wasn’t a jumper from Prince William’s head, he has so few to spare.

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Kate stepped up the duchessing at Thursday’s SportsAid banquet and actually delivered a speech.

Emily Andrews of The Sun noted it was Kate’s best to date and while I think she was right, the bar is still very low.

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After five years, Kate should be able to deliver far better than she did.  The speech in its entirety can be watched on YouTube.

Kate was obviously nervous, as evidenced by the deep breaths she took to calm herself.

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Kate’s accent affectation continued to be an issue, in fact for a few words her Received Pronunciation started to drift a bit in an American direction (she didn’t make it all the way, dashing my hopes of an international accent patchwork speech). Kate’s attention was mostly fixed down on her speech instead of out on her audience, her delivery was flat with very little inflection, her phrasing was still unnatural and she seemed palpably uncomfortable.  I have pasted below a transcript of the speech from an Express article by Richard Palmer and did a screen-grab of Kate’s face as she was articulating specific words which I have bolded with the corresponding photos below.

Some of you may know that I love sport.  

"love"

“love”

I love cheering on teams and athletes that I am passionate about.  

"passionate"

“passionate”

I love the physical challenge sport presents and the mental strength it gives us all.  And I love the way it so often brings people together to work as part of a team.  

I suspect many of you in this room may feel the same. The brilliance of SportsAid is in really understanding just how much athletic competition gives to our country as a whole.  By investing in young sporting talent, they ensure that there is a strong pipeline of inspirational heroes.

"inspirational"

“inspirational”

"heroes"

“heroes”

These athletes then serve as motivators to everyone in the UK to get involved, get active, and embrace the power of sport to make us happier and healthier.

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“happier”

"healthier"

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With little over 50 days to go until the Games begin in Rio; the next Olympiad is almost here.  As we did in London in 2012, we will see a new generation of sporting stars emerge into the spotlight.

We cannot wait to meet the next SportsAid champions

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…the next Chris Hoys and Katherine Graingers who will remind us all of the magic and the power of sport.

"magic"

“magic”

"power"

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So thank you all for supporting the incredible work of SportsAid.  I am immensely proud to be their patron and I can’t wait to cheer on our team competing in Rio.

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I do hope you enjoy tonight’s very special occasion.

"enjoy"

“enjoy”

"very"

“very”

"special"

“special”

"occasion"

“occasion”

Thank you.

"Thank"

“Thank”

"you"

“you”

Most of us can empathize with the nervousness that comes with public speaking.  But many professions and passions require frequent speech giving and Kate chose a profession that requires more speeches than most.  After five years with The Firm, Kate still lacks the skill set for a job she spent almost a decade pursuing.

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Kate’s Haunted Hair

Not only is a leprechaun living in Kate Middleton’s knee, she now has a hair ghost.

While watching clips of the Taj Mahal visit, I noticed a woman’s face appear several times on the side of Kate’s head.

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Judging by the state of Kate’s doll hair, this is no polite paranormal passenger, this is one pissed-off poltergeist occupying her tresses.

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While Kate’s hair being haunted sounds ridiculous, it does explain why Amanda Cook Tucker doesn’t do a better job blending Kate’s wiglet, she doesn’t want to linger too long out of fear she’ll get sucked into a follicular alternate dimension.

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Of course, there’s a perfectly rational explanation for Kate’s hair ghost face, it’s called matrixing or pareidolia.   The human mind, forever in search of order, seeks to identify patterns it recognizes from shapes.  It’s the psychological phenomena behind people seeing ghostly faces in old mirrors that have some of the backing chipped off or Kate Middleton on their jelly beans.

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Nothing about Kate is rational, though, so I’m going with hair ghost.

Meanwhile, the lackluster royal bore tour continues to haunt the Cambridges.  The Sun published a scorcher of a piece by Emily Andrews.  It was a further behind-the-scenes glance into the tour in the unflattering light of candor.  Andrews’ article describes a tour lacking in warmth and sincerity that was so focused on the photo ops that, “As Kate and William were just about to leave their hotel in Bhutan to have dinner with the country’s king and queen, guests were told to move out of the way as it would “ruin the choreography” of their departure.”  Andrews also indicated there’s a reason so few of Kate’s comments made it into the news, “The Palace would rather you did not know.”  According to the article:

Indeed, some of Kate’s comments were banal at best and clumsy at worst. Meeting a chef who had been badly injured in the Mumbai 2008 terror atrocities, she murmured: “It must have been a surreal day.”

And when speaking to charity workers helping India’s street kids, who are mutilated to make money begging, she managed to utter: “Gosh, so interesting.”

They say you can’t fix stupid, but you can certainly try to hide it for as long as possible.

Normally William and Kate disappear after tours but events are already showing up in their calendar. Kate went missing for more than a month after the last one.

Today Prince William, along with Harry, will be touring the Star Wars set.  On Thursday, they will likely be part of the Queen’s 90th birthday celebration and on Friday, William and Kate will be hosting a private dinner for the Obamas at Kensington Palace.

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A Royal Work-Off

“I care desperately about what I do.  Do I know what product I’m selling?  No.  Do I know what I’m doing today?  No.  But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.”
-Hansel, Zoolander

What do you do when you’re a royally idle couple under fire for only undertaking three paltry official engagements apiece all year while soaking up all the royal perks?

You have a work-off.

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Both Prince William and Kate Middleton left Anmer’s Fortress of Solitude to prove to their critics they care about more than being really, really, ridiculously lazy.

Emily Andrews of The Sun added more fuel to the fire on Wednesday by revealing that not only did William take December off of air ambulance pilot duties, he’s only worked twelve shifts to date this year.  William decided to fight fire with fuel by showing up at EAAA on Wednesday and doing the regular bloke task of refueling the helicopter.  Photos by Geoff  Robinson in the Express reveal William struggling with his hose.  Is the future king secretly not an ambi-turner?

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William was probably a little overly ambitious in trying to look like he was just like everyone else.  Perhaps we should have given him the heads-up that even us regular folk don’t fill up our own helicopters, we let the heli fuel steward do it.   But it made for some memorable photographic moments.  You could practically hear Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go as William tugged on his hose.

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With William playing helicopter pilot, Kate went solo in Edinburgh.  She visited St. Catherine’s Primary School which participates in the Place2Be program and took part in an assembly sing-a-long of Welcome Everybody.

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From there, Kate went to look at the art created at Wester Hailes Education Centre’s The Art Room.  Then Kate traded in her court shoes for Asics, slipped into a Nike top and Monreal London Tuxedo track pants and participated in a tennis workshop conducted by the mother of her tennis crush, Andy Murray.  Or as Kate, seen here in a screen grab from stuff.co.nz  probably calls him, Plan B.

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Despite spending  over $300 on pricy track pants (£220), somewhere Betty White was wearing a tracksuit better.

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Kate was visibly excited about meeting Judy Murray.  The tennis pro’s Mum revealed to The Telegraph, “She was talking about at what age can a child hold a racquet. It’s about strength.  I was saying to her with children of George’s age you start with a balloon and the hand. It is about doing he right thing at the right time.  From a parents’ perspective she was very interested in how she could help her kids to develop the skills that you need to do sports because she enjoys sports so much.”  It’s  probably not a bad idea for Prince George and Princess Charlotte to explore other possible vocations since it seems unlikely the British Monarchy will survive their parents.

So who won this royal work-off?

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Certainly not the taxpayer.   And definitely not William.

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As a general rule, never go up against a woman nicknamed Commando Kate in an underwear challenge, she’ll pants you every time.

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Blue Monday-Busting BRF

According to a quasi-scientific  study released back in 2005, the third Monday of January is the most  depressing day of the year.  Despite the questionable criteria used  to determine the calendar’s biggest bummer, it’s not that big of a stretch.   Fully detoxed from holiday highs and doggie-paddling in the dashed optimism of New Year’s Resolutions,  those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are at the peak of winter dreariness, dreading the walk to the mailbox in  the cold barren grey stillness for credit card statements made thicker by holiday shopping.

Fortunately, the British Royal Family is maintaining a high  level of ridiculousness to distract us from  short days, wind chill factors and the ho ho humdrum of January.

On Friday, an announcement was made that Kate Middleton will be serving as Guest Editor for Huffington Post UK for a day in February.

Kensington Palace released a statement saying:

“The Duchess of Cambridge has made the mental health of young people a key focus of her work in recent years. She is delighted that The Huffington Post will help put a spotlight on this important issue.

The duchess will be commissioning contributions from a number of leading figures in the mental health sector as well as from young people, parents, and teachers.”

Royal correspondents were  Twitterly  unamused.

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In addition to running the same kind of pap pics that make Prince William threaten to huff and puff and blow  the house down, Huffington  Post UK hasn’t always treated the Cambridges in a dignified manner, recently insinuating that Kate confused royal semen with hair gel to achieve Something About Mary sperm hair.

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Huffington Post seems to spend an inordinate amount  of time pondering royal trouser trout.

Following the birth of Prince George, the  US version of Huffington Post speculated that the 150-year-old tradition of circumcising British  royals ended with Prince William and Prince Harry whose foreskin was not removed due to Princess Diana’s wishes and surmised that  Prince George’s royal scepter would remain intact.  Going one step further, Huffington Post UK declared the idea of a circumcision total tosh, accusing  circumcision-happy Americans for starting the rumor.  Sure, blame the Americans, everyone knows the  Declaration of Independence originally included “life, liberty, pursuit of happiness and freedom of foreskin” but had to be modified because the signers couldn’t keep a straight face adding their signatures below the president of Congress’ enormous Hancock.

Without doing any in-depth  research on the matter, the Huffington Post still found it necessary to discuss  princely staffs.  One of the readers here will just have to sleep with Prince Harry to put at least one rumor to bed.  It’s quite possible that Prince William and Prince Harry are both circumcised,  at least going by the old photos of Prince William taking a  leak on a polo field back in 2008 (photos of are not suitable for viewing at work, while eating, after eating  or if in general the very thought of Prince William makes your vagina dry-heave).  Theoretically, Prince William could have been pushing his foreskin back with his fingers, but at least to me the rounded blur looks a professionally trimmed helmet on William’s little Flight Lieutenant.  Did anyone else just throw up a little in their mouth and/or underwear?

While Kate having the Huffington Post swing by Kensington Palace  for a day  is for an important cause, many are left wondering exactly how this came about.

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Or why, especially considering the couple has been seeking to bypass the loathsome media completely with announcements and official royal baby portraits released directly on the @KensingtonRoyal  Twitter account.  As royal photographer, James Whatling pointed out, perhaps the Cambridges wouldn’t mind the media as long as they completely controlled it.

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Within reason, of course.

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Perhaps it’s all an elaborate ruse to get Pippa’s CV to Huffington Post since poor Kate is swamped according to a Daily Mail article that ran over the weekend with Kate being the Second Coming of Diana and all.  According to the article,  Kate has been undertaking secret charity visits like her deceased mother-in-law.  I wonder if the Daily Mail knows that Peter Jones is not a charity.   The article notes, “As a result she has ordered aides to fill her diary for 2016 and is keen to demonstrate an increased commitment to the charity sector.”

Maybe Kate  is keeping  these visits such a secret that even those she’s visiting don’t even know she’s there, maybe the children think she’s some kind of  fidgety mop boogyman lurking in the shadows. Considering that Buckingham Palace padded Kate’s 2015 numbers to get her up to 62 engagements for the year, including her tour of the set of  Downton  Abbey, the birth of Charlotte  and Charlotte’s private christening in the total, I am skeptical of any report that Kate is secretly doing work for which she’s not getting credit.

Last year Kate’s engagement total accounted only for 1.66% of the entire British Royal Family’s workload.  In 2014, she performed 2.23% of the royal family’s duties. Does anyone really expect us to believe that Kate is keen  on anything other than shopping?  And as for “filling up her calendar”, Kate has yet to have a  single event appear in the Court Circular for this year so clearly her calendar  is not filled considering we’re already three weeks into 2016 and her last engagement was on December 16, 2015.  That’s a five week break  from duties, so she’s not exactly hitting the ground running.

In other leg-pulling royal news, the Queen’s  eldest grandson, Peter Phillips, is organizing a celebration in the Mall for the 628 charities of which Her Majesty is Patron in honor of the monarch’s 90th birthday.   Tickets will run the Queen’s charities £1,500 for a table of 10 people but the charities are permitted to sell up to  40% of their tickets out of consideration for the burden of the cost on these non-for-profit organizations, some of which are very small. Otherwise it  would be tacky for a hostess to ask foundations barely scraping by to absorb the whole cost of going to her birthday party, at the very least, people who  aren’t involved with the charity at all should have the opportunity to go instead of those who tirelessly devote themselves to their respective causes for little or no pay. This idea could really catch on in event planning, I can see wedding guests  lining up at vending  machines punching  the appropriate button for chicken or fish and baby showers with a cover charge and two drink minimum,  the  fetus’ cost can be deducted from his or her college fund once the little tyke is born.  Peter Phillips insists nepotism  had  nothing  to with his company, Sports and Entertainment Limited, being the one  selected to organize  the event  for which he  is receiving an undisclosed sum.   The Queen’s grandson declared, “I was very conscious to make sure we did this properly, so we went through the normal channels of approaching the Palace. We had to show that this wasn’t a case of trying to cut corners because the Queen happens to be my grandmother.”

The fact that Sports and Entertainment Limited was selected to plan Her Majesty’s  90th birthday bash I’m  sure had nothing to do at all with Peter Phillips’ royal family ties, just like I’m sure it was simply a coincidence that Peter Phillips’ company Sports and Entertainment  Limited was the one that brokered the £150,000 deal to sell the first photos of Zara’s daughter, Mia, to Hello! magazine.

It’s rather unseemly to sell  tickets  to this  event, the Queen’s 90th birthday isn’t a concert.  She’s the Head of State, not Adele.   Unless Her Majesty, Prince Philip and  Prince Charles are going to put on wigs, cat ears and leopard leotards and perform as a Josie and the Pussycats tribute band, I can’t imagine paying to be part of someone’s birthday celebration.

Richard Palmer’s Twitter page has been a goldmine  of  disenchantment in recent days.  One of his latest blows was an Express article about Norfolk Country Houses From The Air  for  sale at the Sandringham gift shop containing commissioned aerial photographs of Sandringham and Anmer Hall.  The book  contains the very types of photos  that Prince William  crusaded against, petitioning to have Anmer Hall declared a no-fly zone.  I guess it’s only a privacy violation  if you’re not getting  paid.

The entertainment value of the ridiculous antics of the British Royal Family  have helped a  bit with my winter blues.   And here I thought all January would have to offer was the return of the X-files on Sunday.

The truth is out there and so is this underground  video of Bree Sharp’s David Duchovny which is a festival of 90s nostalgia. If you didn’t  get at least a bit of chuckle from those silly British royals, perhaps  this video will push you  a  bit further out of the Blue Zone.   It was made by members of the X-files crew  and shown at their holiday party. Because of the multitude of celebrity cameos, some of which were  shot on the sets of other shows on the  same  lot, it could never  be officially released.

Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wijp4-3giNw

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Kate Middleton’s Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday.  According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.

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Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him.  Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services.  Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.

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Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve  and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy.  Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.

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The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.

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The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.

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Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.

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Likely, Pippa’s fur hat was borrowed from Kate since Pippa’s skinned animal corpse cranium cap resembles a microphone windshield.

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Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.

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Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck.  I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.

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Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen.  At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.

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When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally.  Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all.  Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.KateStPatrick'sDay2013

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.

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After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died.  According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end.  Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.

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