Love is a perfect force binding imperfect beings which is why use terminology like “working on a relationship” to describe the effort required by two flawed individuals to maintain its stability. No matter how many times we’ve been in the ring, whether we were the last one standing or the first to throw in the towel, we keep searching for that person who is as close to perfect for us as another human being can be because we are all born with the need to love and be loved.
Whether searching for that person or working on an existing relationship, love comes with a natural release valve which is called a crush. A crush gives you love’s endorphin rush without all the effort. Yes, in some rare cases, a crush can be a prelude to love but more often then not, they are just harmless little escapes for mind and heart because a crush is in part the product of our own imaginations. We are attracted to the possibility of the other person.
Crushes aren’t always sexual and often we form crushes on people we’ve never met, people get crushes on celebrities all the time. Sometimes crushes are an emotional manifestation of an appreciation for the qualities another person embodies. They can be confusing because crushes can mimic so many symptoms of love, it’s hard for us to untangle what we’re feeling in the rush of it. Their timing is often unpredictable and that’s part of the fun.
Personally, I am a huge fan of the crush. I think of them as bonuses we get for being loving individuals and for me there’s nothing more flattering than finding out someone has a crush on me. I have two friends who I consider to be NYC’s coolest couple, they are madly in love with each other, they’re both ridiculously gorgeous, fascinating, fabulous, wonderful, kind people. One day my vixen friend came over and nonchalantly mentioned, “My husband has the biggest crush on you.” Naturally I was beyond flattered, it was the ego boost of the century, but I loved her and them as a couple even more because of that. I’m not a jealous person so I appreciate that quality in others. To me, jealousy in a relationship is a warning sign, I become concerned when a boyfriend expresses jealousy over one of my guy friends, it shows a lack of trust which is crucial to any relationship. Appreciating beauty, whether physical beauty or inner beauty is such a natural part of the human experience, it’s strange to think of trying to impose restrictions on that.
In addition to being fun little mental escapes, our crushes can be helpful in identifying qualities that attract us, their evolution can ultimately help us figure out what it is we’re looking for in the person with whom we want to share our lives.
For fun, I’ve decided to list the top ten crushes I’ve had over my life time in chronological order. These are all people/puppets/animated characters I’ve never met. Usually having a crush on someone you know isn’t really an endurance sport. I’ve found that when I get to know someone, either I realize they’ve got other qualities that I know I don’t want in my life or I realized the initial spark I felt wasn’t a romantic attraction at all, it was my heart’s way of recognizing the truly extraordinary qualities of a man who would become a cherished friend.
This topic of crushes was inspired by the end of one of my brief real life crushes on my neighbor. I’ve only spoken to him once, he is tall, attractive and easy-going. He’s been a puzzle I’ve been putting together over the months since he’s moved in based on mail of his I’ve accidentally gotten, a schedule that rarely has him at home and his taste in outdoor furniture. The Crush Killer was the sounds that have been coming through the wall of him and a female companion who have spent the last two days in bed. Her first two orgasms were obviously faked, initially I think she was attempting to be encouraging while trying to get him to try a little harder. Over the last day and a half, her faked orgasms have become sarcastic and now she can barely be bothered to mutter an “oh yes, oh yes, oh.” before his three grunts which sound so much like a gorilla’s, I now have a mental image of him beating his chest like he’s the king of the jungle every time he ejaculates and now I think I have to move.
Anyway, that’s what inspired this post. Here are my Top Ten Crushes from the time I was just a young girl feeling Sesame Street wasn’t challenging me enough intellectually to present day. It appears a man doesn’t need to be real or alive to strike my fancy.
Count Von Count – I talk about Puppet Hot, my theory that the sexiest kind of guy is the one just goofy enough to suddenly whip out puppets in the throes of passion, but this crush is a different spin on Puppet Hot. My first crush was a Vampire Mathematician Puppet. I’m just a sucker for a man who can pull off a cape and a monocle. Even though he’s made of foam rubber and felt, he’s still way less gay than the “Twilight” vampires that sparkle.
Gomez Addams – I’ve always said, my search for love will be over when I have found my Gomez. What girl doesn’t want to fence and tango around the house with a man she can turn on with just a few words of French? Gomez is passionate, puckish, confident, takes nothing too seriously including himself, and possesses an appreciation for a darker aesthetic.
Patrick Henry – Patrick Henry was a Revolutionary War Orator and Founding Father. The man could passionately turn a phase, his most famous being, “I know not course what others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!” There is just something very sexy about a man who can inspire others to fight for freedom and is willing to lay down his life for his convictions. Other girls had posters on their walls of Tiger Beat Heart Throbs, I had pictures from historical pamphlets taped to mine.
Edgar Allan Poe – A man of mystery and master of the macabre, the Romantic Gothic author played an important role in the evolution of the science fiction genre. At the age of eleven, The Raven became etched in my soul, and every work I’ve read since has haunted me with the specter of a cherished friend. He has influenced me more than any other writer by reminding me to always be true to my own literary voice. “Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality”.
George Michael – Remember when George Michael stopped wearing neon shirts and jumping around on stage and got a little dirty? Not bathroom-sex-with-strangers-dirty, I’m talking designer-dirty with the meticulously trimmed stubble and blonde highlights. 1987 was a magical year in which a pair of tight Levis, aviator sunglasses, black cowboy boots and black leather jacket culminated in pretty-boy-perfection in the “Faith” video. Sure the cross earring kept switching sides and there were strands of pearls hanging from that black leather jacket with “Revenge” on the back but I didn’t care. That video still does it for me in a major way. It’s too bad in the “Freedom ’90” video the poltergeists of the condemned supermodel house torched that jacket and blew up the guitar.
Don Henley – His smooth raspy blues voice is as enigmatic as the founder of The Eagles. It’s an auditory caress that’s both seducing and soothing. He’s intelligent, a lyrical fencer, he can bang out a beat on the drums, and he’s socially conscious. The first concert I ever went to was on his “End of the Innocence” tour. A girl never forgets her first.
Prince Eric – Hello, Sailor. Ariel’s dreamy landman from “The Little Mermaid” is an accomplished seaman and goes back onto a burning ship to save his pooch. Man enough to accessorize with a pop of red and express himself with a flute, Prince Eric is a romantic who believes in love at first… uh… sound. Unpretentious, Prince Eric pulls his own weight and ultimately saves the day by slaying the evil sea witch without mussing his fabulous thick dark hair. Kinda badass for a Disney prince.
Derek Jeter – Okay, technically I have had actual real-life encounters with Derek Jeter but he stays on the list because he’s Freakin’ Derek Jeter, Mr. November, The Captain. The first time Derek and I ever crossed paths, he smiled at me. I suspect it was because I was so flustered being in the presence of baseball greatness, I short-circuited, and he was probably thinking, “Good for you, Special Girl, out all by yourself, and without a helmet, too. Good for you.” The second time he overheard a saucy comment I made during his SNL taping, and he looked up and flashed me a wicked grin. We’ve crossed paths a few times since and if he sees me he smiles because he’s a nice guy who loves baseball and the New York Yankees almost as much as I do. Remember that game on July 1, 2004 when Jeter made a diving catch into the stands with two runners in scoring position to end the top of the 12th inning? Totally badass and I don’t think he even spilled anyone’s beer. He’s polite like that.
Ares God of War – Okay, so he’s not the kind of guy you bring home to meet Mom, but the God of War portrayed by Kevin Tod Smith on Xena Warrior Princess was the ultimate bad boy. Smoldering with sexuality and power, Ares could rock a gauntlet and throw a fireball with an Elvis hip swivel. Sure he was manipulative and ruthless but he was also charismatic, could wield a sword and had the muscular physique to pull off studded leather. I imagine if George Lucas made Darth Vader that hot, Princess Leia would have said, screw it, I’m heading over to the Dark Side, black is way more slimming anyway. Despite having the body of a god, the sexiest thing about Ares was his love for Xena, it humanized him quite literally, he gave up immortality to bring her friend and daughter back from the dead. Honestly, it could have been a ficus, I’m not sure, he was in black leather, with rippling muscles, defying his family for the woman he loved, it was all kind of a blur.
Matthew Gray Gubler – He plays Dr. Spencer Reed, “Criminal Minds” smarty pants. The socially awkward character has three PhDs and an eidetic memory, which of course I find sexy, while the man who plays him is just quirky enough to be Puppet Hot. Despite having been a model, he seems thoroughly unaware of his exquisite bone structure, dismissing his physical appearance as being a cross between Beaker from the Muppets and my Puppet Crush, Count von Count. He’s got a fantastic sense of humor and his supehero power is a smile that could make the most sinister of villains start dotting their i’s with hearts and volunteering at soup kitchens. His appreciation for beauty is not limited by convention, he brings a stylized timelessness to his directorial work, embraces Halloween with the same passion I do, and he’s got the most kick-ass website home page, complete with a ferris wheel and ghosts. As if he wasn’t already perfect enough, he prefers voluptuous women.