Tag Archives: Heidi Klum

2016 Oscars Red Carpet

At the 88th Academy Awards, Chris Rock diffused the diversity controversy that hung over the Dolby Theater with his raw yet dexterous brand of comedy, acknowledging a need for change within Hollywood while keeping the show on track. It’s been so long since an Oscar host was actually entertaining, I had forgotten these things used to sometimes  be funny.  Not everything was comedic gold, I still can’t figure out the point of the Girl Scout bit.  Girl Scout cookies sell themselves because they are delicious and somewhat deceptively named.  Thin Mints for example give you the false impression you can swallow sleeves of cookies whole like a boa constrictor without worrying about your waistline while Tagalongs and Do-si-dos practically sound like you’re getting some kind of calorie-cancelling exercise simply by eating them.

Amusingly, the plan to omit thank yous from the acceptance speeches and scroll pre-prepared lists of names instead didn’t pan out amongst those who take direction for a living.  Not exactly a shocker.  If I ever won an Academy Award, guidelines and music wouldn’t get me off the stage, it would probably take some kind of zoo-tranquilizer dart and even then, I wouldn’t go without a fight.

But the Oscars are so much more than a platform for social change or awarding  the best in film, they’re about attractive people wearing fabulous designer clothing.  Watching the Oscars is all about focusing on the most superficial aspects of people who are part of the most shallow industry on Earth.  It’s all about the fashion.

This year was a little more interesting than the past few years.  The best and worst weren’t quite so cut and dry with many  critics divided over who led  the pack and whose fashion failed.

These are my picks:

The Best

Cate Blanchett was ethereal perfection in seafoam Armani Prive.  In the wrong hands, this  dress could look like a glue gun disaster, but with Tiffany & Co. cascading diamond earrings, sea creature bracelet and beachy bob, Cate had that just-stepped-out-of-the-waves-like-this goddess quality.  This dress made both best and worst dressed lists.  On anyone but Cate Blanchett, I would have categorized it as the latter.  On her, it was both regal and whimsical.

cateblanchett

Another red carpet masterpiece in motion was Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein.  The actress chose emerald to honor her Irish heritage, however the swirling sequins of the skirt were evocative of the sky’s nocturnal undulations in Dutch post-Impressionist painter, Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night.  While the brightest “star” in van Gogh’s painting is actually Venus, Saoirse Ronan’s luminous beauty made her one of the brightest stars on the Oscar red carpet.
SaoirseRonan

EmeraldCalvinKlein

The black Chanel dress Julianne Moore wore was a departure from the jewel tones she normally gravitates towards, making it a noteworthy selection.  Recently, a similar version made its way down the Chanel runway on Kendall Jenner.  Julianne opted for meticulously crafted effortless glamour, wearing her hair down instead of in angry Princess Leia buns with Black Swan eye makeup shown at the Chanel Haute Couture show.

JulianneMoore

Once again Charlize Theron’s red carpet appearance reminded us that no matter how hard we try, we’ll never be Charlize Theron.  Charlize may have terrible taste in men, but her fashion sense is impeccable.  Draped in Christian Dior Couture and Harry Winston diamonds, Charlize continued her reign as the Red Carpet’s best dressed.

CharlizeTheron

Honorable Mention

Mindy Kaling’s Elizabeth Kennedy dress was a little too tight, causing it to pucker, but between its black and royal blue color scheme and cape-like tie in the  back, it reminded me of the superhero costume worn by Batman’s former sidekick, Nightwing, thus making the dress subjectively awesome.

MindyKaling

Leather and Lace

Two of the trends on the red carpet were the sartorial version of the Stevie Nicks/Don Henley duet, Leather and Lace.

Jennifer Lawrence’s black tiered Dior gown was one of the lace trend’s best examples,  a modern take on the black lace and ruffles favored by Stevie Nicks who paved the way for goth girls who want to keep their hair blonde.

jenniferlawrence

Rooney Mara also wore lace.  The cut-out sheer dress  by Givenchy Haute Couture was a cometh hither combination of demure and provocative, however the sci-fi hair and white platform sandals detracted from the dress.

rooneymara

Versace-clad Kerry Washington looked like she was wearing Xena’s prom dress: ass-kicking leather on top, glamorous femininity on the bottom.

kerrywashington

Margot Robbie glittered like a gold dust woman in a long-sleeve gold leather embellished Tom Ford gown.  In 85 degree heat.  I’m really not sure how she wasn’t glistening buckets.

MargotRobbie

The Worst

This year’s Oscars refuted my long-held belief that Kate Winslet would look gorgeous even in a garbage bag.  Making a rare sartorial misstep, Kate’s Ralph Lauren gown was evocative of a Hefty Cinch Sak.  Draw me like one of your tall kitchen bags.

katewinslet

Another fashion disappointment was Olivia Wilde who, like Kate Winslet, usually nails the red carpet.  I wanted to like Olivia Wilde’s Valentino dress, but ultimately I couldn’t shake the fact that it looked like Mature Bride’s take on Leeloo’s bandage outfit.

oliviawilde

I can’t even take Amy Poehler’s Andrew Gn dress seriously, she looks like she’s being eaten alive by Audrey Jr. flesh-eating embroidery.  A stylist supposedly did this to her on purpose, why I do not know, but humanity may need to call on Lucy Liu’s badassery.

AmyPoehler

This year Marchesa happened to Heidi Klum.  The dress looked like a failed practice assignment using canopy curtains and shoddy magic at Fairy Godmother Conjuring School.  The dress Cinderella’s rodent friends made her looked better than this Marchesa dress even after it was destroyed.  Not only is this a lock for this year’s Worst Dressed award, it’s epically hideous, likely to show up on Most Tragic Oscar Fashion lists for years to come.

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Emmys 2014 Red Carpet

At the 2014 Emmy Awards, fashion took a wrong turn down a dark alley and then raided the dumpsters.

Worst red carpet ever.  Hollywood flew over the cuckoo’s nest and Nurse Ratched gave a fashion lobotomy to the stragglers.

The Emmy’s Red Carpet had way too much tulle and taffeta for grown adults.  Sarah Paulson, Lena Dunham, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Melissa McCarthy (left to right or rather left to wrong) all channeled their inner fairy princesses and proved why you should never take anything Lindsay Lohan gives you, even if she swears it’s just a mint.

FairyPrincessFails

Sarah Paulson, Lena Dunham, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Melissa McCarthy in Fairy Princess Fails

The only one who successfully pulled off the ballerina princess look was Sarah Hyland in Christian Siriano.

SarahHylandinChristianSiriano

Sarah Hyland in Christian Siriano

Sadly, this is the best Melissa McCarthy has ever looked, but she seems unable to escape the bead-defecating Chico’s pigeon that usually dumps some sort of cheaply fabricated design element on her, this time the offending sparkle landed around the waist of her Marchesa skirt.  Somehow she still hasn’t explored jewelry as a shiny alternative.

MelissaMcCarthycloseup

Marchesa (and I’m assuming heroin) did this to Christina Hendricks.

ChristinaHendricksMarchesa

Christina Hendricks in Marchesa

Georgina Chapman and Keren Craig should sit in the corner and think about what they did to one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.

Mayim Bialik from Big Bang Theory said she wanted to look “hot and holy” at the Emmys this year.  Mayim is an Orthodox Jew and while I respect her wanting to be covered up for religious reasons, when I first saw this, I thought, “Holy crap, that’s one steaming pile of hideous electric blue lace.”

MayimBialik

Mayim Bialik in Oliver Tolentino

Co-star Melissa Rauch showed how to pull off brilliant blue that isn’t flaming fashion poo in her Pamella Roland gown:

MelissaRauch

Melissa Rauch in Pamella Roland

Also in blue, Christine Baranski went for a deeper hue in this elegant caped Zac Posen dress:

Christine Baranski in ZacPosen

Christine Baranski in Zac Posen

Unfortunately Zac Posen was also responsible for Heidi Klum’s coral column creation.  Perhaps he didn’t want to be her date after all because you have to be trying to make Heidi Klum look this matronly.

Heidi Klum in Zac Posen

Heidi Klum in Zac Posen

Laura Prepon’s confusing Gustavo Cadile seemed like premeditated fashion assault, channeling one of Kim Basinger’s worst red carpet looks:

lauraprepon

While Kerry Washington looked like a Pinterest DIY Disaster in this ill-fitting Prada dress with sequin slip detail:

Kerry Washington in Prada

Kerry Washington in Prada

Kate Mara’s J. Mendal dress looked like a desperate tourniquet attempt to stop the crystal detailing from spreading:

Kate Mara in J. Mendal

Kate Mara in J. Mendal

The best of the embellished had to be Julia Roberts in Elie Saab.

Julia Roberts in Elie Saab

Julia Roberts in Elie Saab

Even though up close, the dress sort of looked like a negligee with Disco Viagra glued to it.

Julia Roberts Elie Saab Dress Detail

Julia Roberts Elie Saab Dress Detail

Sadly not everyone who suffered a fashion lobotomy fate even made it out of the straight jacket:

Michelle Monaghan in Giambattista Valli Couture

Michelle Monaghan in Giambattista Valli Couture

Although some of those who did just went with messy hair and apathy as their boldest accessories:

Kristen Wiig in Vera Wang

Kristen Wiig in Vera Wang

Picking the worst of the worst is not an easy feat in this year’s Suckfest of Fashion, but the break-away was probably Breaking Bad’s Betsy Brandt.  Her custom Alice and Olivia dress looked like an old Laura Ashley tablecloth with splattered Easter Egg dye and the styling was so clumsy, it was almost criminal.

Betsy Brandt in Alice and Olivia

Betsy Brandt in Alice and Olivia

Best dressed would have to go to Lizzy Caplan, totally fetch in a black Donna Karan Atelier gown with a halter top, on-trend cut-out sides and white train.  That’s right, I just made “fetch” happen.  And later I’m going to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles.

LizzyCaplaninDonnaKaran

All in all, not a good year for Emmys fashion, though.

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