Tag Archives: India and Bhutan Tour

Kate’s Haunted Hair

Not only is a leprechaun living in Kate Middleton’s knee, she now has a hair ghost.

While watching clips of the Taj Mahal visit, I noticed a woman’s face appear several times on the side of Kate’s head.

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Judging by the state of Kate’s doll hair, this is no polite paranormal passenger, this is one pissed-off poltergeist occupying her tresses.

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While Kate’s hair being haunted sounds ridiculous, it does explain why Amanda Cook Tucker doesn’t do a better job blending Kate’s wiglet, she doesn’t want to linger too long out of fear she’ll get sucked into a follicular alternate dimension.

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Of course, there’s a perfectly rational explanation for Kate’s hair ghost face, it’s called matrixing or pareidolia.   The human mind, forever in search of order, seeks to identify patterns it recognizes from shapes.  It’s the psychological phenomena behind people seeing ghostly faces in old mirrors that have some of the backing chipped off or Kate Middleton on their jelly beans.

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Nothing about Kate is rational, though, so I’m going with hair ghost.

Meanwhile, the lackluster royal bore tour continues to haunt the Cambridges.  The Sun published a scorcher of a piece by Emily Andrews.  It was a further behind-the-scenes glance into the tour in the unflattering light of candor.  Andrews’ article describes a tour lacking in warmth and sincerity that was so focused on the photo ops that, “As Kate and William were just about to leave their hotel in Bhutan to have dinner with the country’s king and queen, guests were told to move out of the way as it would “ruin the choreography” of their departure.”  Andrews also indicated there’s a reason so few of Kate’s comments made it into the news, “The Palace would rather you did not know.”  According to the article:

Indeed, some of Kate’s comments were banal at best and clumsy at worst. Meeting a chef who had been badly injured in the Mumbai 2008 terror atrocities, she murmured: “It must have been a surreal day.”

And when speaking to charity workers helping India’s street kids, who are mutilated to make money begging, she managed to utter: “Gosh, so interesting.”

They say you can’t fix stupid, but you can certainly try to hide it for as long as possible.

Normally William and Kate disappear after tours but events are already showing up in their calendar. Kate went missing for more than a month after the last one.

Today Prince William, along with Harry, will be touring the Star Wars set.  On Thursday, they will likely be part of the Queen’s 90th birthday celebration and on Friday, William and Kate will be hosting a private dinner for the Obamas at Kensington Palace.

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Day 2 – India and Bhutan Tour

On Monday, Kate Middleton wore white.  It is a traditional mourning color in India and appropriate because it is a day for mourning, my royal watching friends.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

There’s no coffin to bring out because the monarchy remains on life support, but the message nonetheless is that the monarchy is dead.  All that’s left to do is pull the plug.

The Petulant Prince and PR Rasputin both have blood on their hands, but as it turns out, the most evil adversary the British Monarchy has ever faced wears Prada. I mean, technically she carried it Monday in clutch form pressed up to her nether regions, but she didn’t dress for my metaphor because Kate doesn’t roll like that. Waity does it her way.

In this traveling royal show, Kate is the archetypical Trickster. The Clown. The catalyst for change. She is the Joker.

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The day should have gone smoothly.  This was the itinerary:

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But Kate had other plans.

Okay, first of all, this was her day outfit:

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Kate chose a floaty white boob-flapped Emilia Wickstead dress.  Because somehow visiting the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, walking in Gandhi’s last steps and honoring his memory translates to boob sock puppets.

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I can’t unsee it.  They look so hungry.  Maybe Kate should have consulted her boob sock puppets before refusing that offered pancake William made.

While laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, Kate went five tours for five with flashing. And the timing was perfect, just as they were honoring the fallen.

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I don’t know how Kate timed that, like if Natasha Archer was off to the side with a walkie talkie headset commanding, “Cue the wind,” but that could not have been executed at a better worse time.

Ironically, the duchess who blew off the Irish Guards on St. Patrick’s Day and broke tradition because she didn’t want to create an expectation she could be bothered handing out shamrocks once a year was thwarted by a soldier who held down her skirt to keep the embarrassing snaps at such a sacred spot to a minimum.

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This isn’t an oops moment.  Kate’s had so many of these, she knows she has to dress for the elements, she knows the issue is easily avoidable with a different silhouette, if she wants to wear something floaty, she can have dress weights added or a chain sewn in like Chanel does with their jackets.

While this may be frustrating for royal watchers trying to find a reason for Kate’s behavior, logic can’t be applied because these are illogical acts.  They are acts of anarchy.

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As described in a Hero’s Journey article I happened to stumble across at  gordonranier.com when I was looking for the above The Dark Knight quote:

“The key to the Trickster is that he can be clever and mischievous or a foolish clown or an entertainer but at his core he likes to upset, use reversals and surprises to ply his trade.”

Kate is staging her own anarchy because some duchesses just want to watch the monarchy burn.  Is she rebelling against the stifling protocol of an antiquated role she spent a decade pursuing?  Does it even matter?  The end result is the same regardless of motive.  And unless Her Majesty finally decides to suit up and launch a caped crusade within her own family, the British Monarchy is toast.  The Queen has done nothing to suggest she’s going to ask Angela Kelly to make her something in leather and badass.

And really, any action at this point is just postponing the inevitable.  Because as it turns out, very few people in the tour’s host country India are even interested in the Lazy Duo.

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Various articles like this one on newslaundry.com discuss India just not being that into William and Kate.

And William and Kate don’t seem to be all that into being royal,  Earlier in the day on Monday, William and Kate yet again had to be persuaded to pose for pictures.

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At the Garden Party celebrating Her Majesty’s 90th Birthday later in the day, they went through the motions, but didn’t look totally present:

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The duke and duchess are basically this:

AmericanGothic

 

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Day 1 of India/Bhutan Tour

With the time difference, Day 2 of Prince William and Kate’s India/Bhutan is already underway so I’m already behind.  I was awake and a little excited for the tour so I watched the first day unfold on Twitter.  It was more boring than waiting for a YouTube video of someone describing paint drying to buffer.  I randomly asked two royal correspondents to Tweet photos of their shoes but no takers.

Victoria Murphy wrote an excellent article on the importance of this tour for William and Kate.  When I noted in ReTweeting the article that I wasn’t sure if William and Kate even had enough momentum going in to turn around public opinion, Victoria responded, “I think the setting has really helped boost things for them.”

And she is right.  New set, new wardrobe, new guest stars, and the hope that somehow the show’s quality is going to improve.

William and Kate aren’t merely players strutting and fretting upon India’s stage, they also have producing and writing credits.  Not only do they have this fabulous new set, these scheduled events tell their vision of their host country and it’s surprisingly stereotypical: cricket, slums, Bollywood… presumably the snake charmer called out sick.  And I’m not the only one who noticed, this is a comment from a reader in India:

Slums-poverty-bollywood-cricket the stereotypist guide to India. Out of curiosity- doesn’t Kate have a stylist or Google or a mirror? The red dress looked like it was made out of the Taj hotel’s bedsheet collection and the blue dress looked like the nightgowns worn here. What is noteworthy is the negligible coverage of the visit in local press. Not even cricket god Sachin Tendulkar could make these two interesting or newsworthy. I don’t think anyone here is interested in having them back unless they are bringing back the Koh-i-noor with them or at least Coldplay.

So here’s how the first day unfolded:

Kate looked a little Elizabeth Taylor emerging after the flight.

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Flight fatigue and what I assume was a handful of tranquilizers became apparent in later photos, but it was an impressive “Bitch I’m Madonna” moment.  After nine hours on a plane, I spark fear that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun.

Kate arrived in bespoke McQueen and LK Bennett “Fern” shoes.  I like the original McQueen and how it was styled, I think it was a missed opportunity for Kate although I think I have to accept that she just can’t accessorize.  Or not suck the life out of clothing… I wonder how much of her diet consists of fashion’s soul.

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When the Cambridges arrived at the Taj Palace Hotel, they layed a wreath in memory of victims of its 2008 terror attack and met with staff whose heroic efforts helped save guest lives.

The Cambridges’ lunch was vegetarian.

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After a wardrobe change, the Cambridges headed to the Oval Maidan cricket ground.  Kate wore a bespoke tunic dress from Mumbai designer Anita Dongre and Mint Velvet wedges.

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Three charities: Magic Bus, Door Step School and India’s Childline, participated in the event.

There were no wardrobe malfunctions, but the wind at one point made Kate look like she was wearing clown pants.

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The teased special surprise was a bus ride.

You can't sit with us!

You can’t sit with us!

At the Banganga Water Tank, Prince William and Kate scattered petals in the water.

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Prince William and Kate then met with the charity SMILE.

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The Cambridges played football in the streets of the slum and there was almost a dance-off instigated by William who then backed out of it.  I noticed Kate got hit in the calf with a soccer ball, I’m not sure if it was an accident or if the kicker in question got to do something that has popped into the minds of many royal watchers at some point  or another.  Impoverished children then asked the Cambridges all sorts of questions about their big house, like how do they like their giant house and how do they call each other and their children in it which for some reason appeared to make William and Kate uncomfortable.

In the evening, William and Kate attended a Bollywood dinner and reception which benefited the charities: Magic Bus, Door Step School and India’s Childline.  Kate wore bespoke Jenny Packham that was beaded in India and earrings by Amrapali.

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In a dress that would have looked smurfy on Papa Smurf’s nana, Kate sort of looked like the spinster lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and The Joker.

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In a speech, Prince William revealed, “When Catherine and I were married, India was the 1st place on Catherine’s list that she told me that she wanted to visit.”  So after almost a decade of Waitying, Kate suddenly puts together her dream destination list once she could go on these trips on the taxpayer’s dime?

According to actress Madhuri Dixit, “The Duke said he hadn’t watched any Bollywood movies but he represents the British film industry was and interested in collaboration.”

WTF?  Prince William, President of BAFTA and resident of planet Earth has never seen a Bollywood film?  How is that even possible?

Granted, I’m probably a bigger film lover than most, I’ve even taken multiple subways to go see an obscure French vampire film I don’t even think some of its cast had ever heard of, but the BAFTA president couldn’t have watched one or two movies on the nine hour flight in preparation for the event?  Or maybe on one of his many days off from both royal and air ambulance duties?

I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising considering Prince William vetoed Skyfall on the staff’s special Christmas film night and insisted on fucking Twilight and then blew it off.  Seriously, he can’t even make it through one film, how is he going to handle being Head of State?

At least Prince William appeared to have an inkling of what he’s been missing out on in the presence of one of the most beautiful women in the history of the world, actress Aishwarya Rai.

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Kate Middleton, Serial Tour Flasher

Prince William and Kate Middleton will be departing on Saturday night for their royal tour of India and Bhutan and will arrive on Sunday Morning, a little before 11am.

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There was a handy little guide on Twitter with the time differences broken down:

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This will be Kate’s fourth official royal tour since joining the Firm five years ago.  Kate’s first foreign solo tour to Malta was canceled in September 2014 because of Kate’s special brand of Hyperemesis Gravidarum and the brief December 2014 trip to New York City wasn’t considered an official tour.  To date, Kate has yet to officially represent the UK on tour without having a major wardrobe malfunction.

This post will be dedicated to Kate’s biggest international flashing incidents.  For all who do not want to see Kate exposed, please abandon blog.  Even if you think you can get through this without hearing the lambs scream, you might want to get a set of pearls to clutch just in case.

Kate’s long history of premarital flashing has been well-established.  At Marlborough, Kate was known as Kate Middlebum for pulling down her pants to moon boys in a bid to become more popular.  During the Waitying Years, she continued to hone her exhibitionist streak to the point it was common knowledge that she did not wax or shave her bikini area.

KatePreMaritalFlashes

Since marriage, Kate has been protected as a member of the royal family by the UK press.  Some of Kate’s lesser so-called Marilyn Moments have been published with the far more revealing snaps never seeing the light of day in accordance with the gentleman’s agreement the press has with the British Royal Family.  Abroad, there is no such deal which is why when Kate leaves the UK, the public gets to see a side of Kinky Kate that gets buried by the antiquated practices of her own country.

Canada & US Tour- June-July 2011

Newly duchessed, Kate arrived on July 7th at the Calgary airport with her hubby of two and a half months, Prince William.   Kate’s lightweight primrose yellow Jenny Packham dress was no match for the strong gusts typically found around aircraft.  With her hem lifting, Kate reached instinctively to save her extensions and not her modesty.

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Kate met with a child, Diamond Marshall,  who had cancer and wanted to meet a “a real princess”.  To be fair to Diamond, her first choice was actually Aurora at Disneyland but Kate was going to be in the neighborhood so proximity played a factor there.  But Diamond did get to give Kate presents.

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Kate didn’t seem to mind who she flashed at the Calgary airport.

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Just as long as they were there to see it and they were men.  Oh, and that kid with cancer.

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South East Asia & South Pacific Tour – September 2012

The tour had some eyebrow raising fashion moments, like the golden embroidered Alexander McQueen dress  that showed a bit too much décolletage at the Malaysia State Dinner.

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Then there was the culturally insensitive knee-length Beulah London dress Kate wore to the Assyakirin Mosque which should have covered her legs in their entirety.

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To be fair, Kate seemed to be copying Princess Diana who wore a longer dress than Kate but also didn’t get it right.

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Minor points,though, since earlier that morning at breakfast William and Kate were informed that Kate had been photographed sunbathing topless during their pre-tour secret getaway to France for which they ditched the closing ceremonies of the Paralympics.

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Laurence Pieau’s defense of publishing the photos can be seen in a video contained in this Daily Mail article.  The editor notes, “I won’t hide the fact that there are far more intimate pictures that exist that we haven’t published and we won’t publish.”

On the way home from the nine day South East Asia & South Pacific Tour on September 19th, the Cambridges passed through Brisbane where Kate struggled with the lightweight floaty Project D Penelope dress.  The wind introduced itself to Kate as soon as she got off the plane to politely let her know it was there.

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The ensuing dress mayhem wasn’t a sudden windjacking, Kate was aware of the gusts, this wasn’t her first airport in a flimsy dress,  and yet not until the wind had already lifted her skirt to the sound of the approving shutter clicks from the photographers behind her that she attempted to make any real effort to keep her dress down.

At this point,  the back of the dress is up and yet her arms are still forward.

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Then Kate finally grabs the back of skirt to try to keep it down.

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That bit of white beneath the hem of the highest lifted part of her dress is the white thong Kate was wearing.  Strangely, after surviving one wave of the mothereffing Wind Apocalypse trying to tear her flimsy dress off her body while photographers snapped away, she started smiling and playing with the tie of her dress while the wind continued whip her dress around her legs like she was eight-years-old.

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Afterwards, Kate changed into jeans and a white top to continue the trip home.

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The damage, however, was done.  Several media outlets went with the headline “Royal Tour Ends on a Bum Note”.

Nine days later even more revealing topless and bottomless photos from France came out.  Rumors suggest that most intimate of photos were not published.  Nothing erases memories of a tour like seeing someone naked, even if it’s a bit blurry. and the tantalizing prospect of some true royal naughtiness emerging some day.

New Zealand & Australia Tour – April 2014

With articles proclaiming Kate’s wardrobe would be more duchessy, with longer hemlines and weighted skirts, mere seconds into the tour, Kate managed to flash the press while winds lifted up her red Catherine Walker coat and revealed a small pair of bunched up white knickers.  Royal watchers noted she still didn’t wax or shave.

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While at the Blue Mountains engagement, another flimsy floaty dress around a helicopter gave Kate a bum flash almost identical to the one she had at the Calgary Airport.   Local and amateur photographer, Diane Morel, took the photo which wound up in Bild and other outlets around the world.  But not in the UK because of the antiquated gentleman’s agreement that prohibits them from publishing embarrassing photos of their own royal family.

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Kate wasn’t done yet.  A few days later she hit the trifecta at Adelaide and gave the disadvantaged youth of Adelaide an eyeful of duchess boob.

Kate wore a low-cut Alexander McQueen peplum top with a light nude plunging padded push-up bra, the bottom of which can be seen in this photo.

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Kate did a lot of leaning over that day to talk to children and as part of the events.

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And apparently, Kate’s plunging padded push-up bra shifted around on her a bit.

But the crowd seemed enthusiastic.  Everyone thought it was going well.

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Well, a lot of the excitement was over the boys getting an eyeful of duchess boob.  At one point when she was seated, the boys were peaking down Kate’s plunging top, one kid there got a particularly sneaky shot of Kate’s bits with his camera phone and posted it on Facebook.  His Mom made him take it down and a local new station that wrote about it also quickly took their story down as well.  I guess they wanted to spare her the embarrassment not realizing Kate is a repeat offender.

Despite the time, money and great care that goes into planning these tours, each to date has been marred by at least one Kate wardrobe scandal, undoing in one snap all of the laborious logistical planning executed by the Cambridge’s extensive staff.  The last tour the public was promised a more regal modest duchess but even the best laid plans are no match for the flashing tendencies of Kate Middlebum.  She seems to be growing more prolific in her exhibitionist ways, so there’s no telling what the upcoming tour of India and Bhutan will hold.

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Let Them Eat Cheesy Snacks

Tonight, Prince William and Kate Middleton hosted a reception at Kensington Palace to remind people they are going to India and Bhutan.

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Buzz about the upcoming tour of India and Bhutan from April 10th-16th has been flying at half-mast. Even the number of Cambridge Critics logging onto sites to vent about the lazy duo has diminished considerably.  An unmoderated Daily Mail article about the Bhutan visit only had four comments nine hours after it was published.

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Well, the Cambridges wanted to be left alone, although it probably was not the best strategy to wrap themselves in apathetic irrelevancy so soon before a royal tour.

It’s been nineteen days since Kate’s last appearance, the opening of a charity shop on March 18th which came in under thirty-five minutes, one day after blowing off the Irish Guards.  Because, hair.

At Wednesday’s reception, Kate also reminded people she’s still royal now by going Totally Tudor in a neck ruffle both Queen Elizabeth I and Princess Diana favored.

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Kate wore the Mary Navy Dots maxi dress by Saloni London.  

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On Kate, it was that curious Senior Citizens on Cialis look Kate seems fond of like back in October when the duchess combined Mother of the Bride and side boob.

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Kate wasn’t bold enough to go with the semi-sheer swiss dot front panel and her dress was actually lined, creating pale mounds that resembled those of her own topless doll.

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On Twitter, Julie RocketQueen @rocketqueen1985 described the dress as “20 yards of WTF”.

With her hair worn down, it wasn’t totally apparent which side of Kate was the front.

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Kate left household cleaning implements everywhere shouting, “Bitch stole my look.”

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I have no idea how Kate is going to carry all that extra add-on hair on a six hour hike to the Tiger’s Nest Monastery during the upcoming tour.  Here is a screengrab from one of the pics @KensingtonRoyal posted on Twitter:

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Another Twitter post by the Mirror’s Victoria Murphy revealed that Kate may have learned a little bit about lighting.  When being photographed with London-based Indian model Neelam Gill, pretty much your only chance of not being totally dwarfed by her beauty is to nudge her towards a light source so she’ll be in the shadows.

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The real star of the night, though, was the Cheesy Snacks posted by Victoria Murphy.

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