On Monday, Buckingham Palace announced that Princess Eugenie will wed her boyfriend of seven years, Jack Brooksbank, in autumn of this year at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor.
The engagement ring is a padparadscha sapphire surrounded by diamonds.
The engagement happened in Nicaragua earlier in the month. Eugenie’s mother, Sarah, Duchess of York, responded with an appropriate level of decorum on social media. Just kidding, she went totally bonkers. It’s like her brain melted and whatever random words weren’t lost in the fire were attached to pictures of her daughter and future son-in-law.
The first Tweet included this curious line. “I am so excited to have a son, a brother and a best friend.” Um, members of the royal family don’t do the super-incestous thing anymore where sons are also brothers. Eugenie and Jack are supposedly third cousins twice removed which is really the closest any Windsor wants to get to his or her own bloodline otherwise the kids could be born chasing their own tails. And is Sarah really going to stake best friend claims on her daughter’s fiance the day of their engagement announcement? I mean, at least wait until #NationalBestFriendsDay to snake her squeeze.
For the second Tweet, Sarah noted, “I always say that the river flows well to it’s destiny because of the guidance of a solid rock.” In addition to the grammatical error, the message isn’t entirely clear. Is Sarah congratulating herself for being the rock that guided her daughter, the river, to her destiny, Jack? If it’s destiny, then why does the stream need the rock if it was going to happen anyway? Is it maybe a shout-out to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? We may never know.
Sarah followed up with another photo of the couple captioned with, “They float with laughter and love… although a boat helps!”
Anyone with a basic grasp of physics knows laughter and love have nothing to do with why a person floats in water, it comes down to body composition or because he or she is a witch.
Sarah followed up that Tweet with another that said, “They make laughter and we feel the joy… thank you for the magic.”
Magic? Yup, Sarah just outed her daughter and future son-in-law as witches. And she wasn’t even done.
Wait, what? That’s one dizzying carousel ride of pronouns. And I hope the engaged couple signed off on that photo of Eugenie riding Jack like a horsey before Sarah shared it with the world.
The Daily Mail reported that Sarah was supposed to have an interview with the BBC but it was canceled. I’m just going to assume the Queen called the zoo and asked if they could have someone swing by Sarah’s and hit her with whatever tranquilizers they use when tigers escape.
In my experience, someone always goes off their rocker when planning a wedding. Considering how loony tunes Sarah went with her own wedding arrangements, Eugenie won’t even have the option of the crazy one being her. The British Royal Family may want to consider having a zoo attendant with a van full of tranquilizers on stand-by for the whole family because she’s baaaaaaack. Sarah Ferguson is the mother of the bride.
Prince Andrew did talk to reporters on Monday, stating, “I can’t speak for the duchess but we… and for Beatrice… we are overjoyed that Eugenie and Jack have got engaged.” How into being a royal do you have to be to refer to your own ex-wife and mother of your children as “the duchess”? I mean, I know it’s technically correct, it just struck me as a bit odd conversationally, but it’s probably just me.
The Duke and Duchess of York may have their flaws, but no one could ever accuse them of not loving their daughters and wanting what’s best for them. Jack and Eugenie seem very happy together and I hope they have a blissful road ahead. For the sake of their sanity, I recommend eloping, but otherwise congratulations!