Tag Archives: James Middleton

Kate Middleton’s Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday.  According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.


Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him.  Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services.  Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.


Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve  and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy.  Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.


The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.


The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.


Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.


Likely, Pippa’s fur hat was borrowed from Kate since Pippa’s skinned animal corpse cranium cap resembles a microphone windshield.


Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.


Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck.  I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.


Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen.  At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.


When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally.  Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all.  Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.KateStPatrick'sDay2013

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.


After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died.  According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end.  Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.


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Staying Abreast of the Middletons

One of my theories about life is that no family is normal.  Every time I visit my parents, usually familial activities involve tv remote negotiations for shows we rarely wind up watching and highly competitive games of Scrabble.   We don’t play a game or two of Scrabble, we engage in days of intense tournaments and we don’t put the board away until someone cries.  Like many families we have our traditions.  For instance every year at Christmas, my parents tell me they bought me a pony but he died.  Then we watch A Christmas Carol and invite the ghosts that came with the house and the spirits of any visiting family members to join us for Christmas breakfast.

I often describe my family as a cross between the Addams Family and the Hemingways.  Given my own familial quirkiness I feel qualified in being able to identify weirdness in other families.  While no family is totally normal, I feel the Middletons best most in terms of bizarreness.

Last week, Kate Middleton mysteriously was a last minute no-show at the wedding of Bear Maclean and Daisy Dickson.  Instead Kate sent her sister Pippa to stand in as Prince William’s date for the wedding festivities.  Media outlets speculated on Kate’s absence, but the guests were rumored to be far less surprised than stories suggested.  Supposedly members of their group were aware that poor Kate still wasn’t feeling 100% after her breast lift and tummy tuck.

This week, Carole, James and Pippa are in St. Bart’s, probably practicing up for their next holiday in three months.  While snaps of Middletons on holiday are about as rare as Kim Kardashian selfies, this set of Pippa bikini photos featured in the Daily Mail seemed to suggest that maybe Kate wasn’t the only Middleton who possibly got a plastic surgery boost. Pippa looks bustier than her usual 32B cup.


For the sake of comparison, here’s a side by side of Pippa now and six months ago in a nearly identical bikini when the Middletons were in Mustique:


The red bikini photos also reveal a dark circular shape above her bikini bottoms that kind of looks like a second belly button.


The theory on Royal Dish is that it’s the pulled up hairline from a tummy tuck.  I’m not sure why Pippa would need a tummy tuck, her stomach has always been pretty flat.  Maybe this was a botched experiment instigated by Carole to see if an umbilical cord could be reattached to adult daughters.  Or maybe Pippa really did need a tummy tuck considering this is how she and her brother James play around on holiday, maybe he accidentally got her pregnant.


All rumors and speculation of course, but if the Wisteria Sisters did both go in for plastic surgery, did they get a two-fer discount?  Likely Kate would have just gotten a lift and not had implants.  As Kate’s Uncle Gary revealed, Prince William mentioned while having dinner at the Middleton’s several years ago that in terms of breasts, he feels anything larger than a handful is a waste.

I just can’t imagine turning to my sibling and saying, “Hey, let’s get our boobs done and a tummy tuck together.”  I just have a brother, though, so it would be strange, but probably not a whole lot weirder than what appears to go on in the Middleton family.

The other man pictured in the latest Caribbean holiday photos, by the way, is Pippa’s ex, James Matthews.  So I’m not really sure what’s going on here, if Pippa and Nico Jackson are officially over or if maybe Pippa is cheating on both Nico Jackson and James Matthews with her brother James Middleton, it’s just all very confusing and maybe a little too V.C. Andrews.



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The Middletons Make Their Way Into Buckingham Palace

Not only is Buckingham Palace starting to crumble and in dire need of extensive repairs, it also appears to be infested with Middletons.  Prince William’s in-laws have finally found a crack large enough in the Palace facade to squeeze through and have Middleton Marched their way into Buckingham Palace’s gift shop.

According to an article in the Daily Mail, cartoon Middletons minus James appear alongside members of the British Royal Family in a series of three children’s books about the Royal Baby.  I assume the reason Prince George is referred to as the Royal Baby is because even at two, he was mortified to be named and refused to sign a consent form.  The whole thing sounds so unseemly, I actually walked over to my jewelry armoire and got out a strand of pearls just so I could clutch them.


In the first book entitled Happy Birthday, Royal Baby!, Carole and Pippa Middleton are running the show as they plan for the Royal Baby’s first birthday.  The illustrations depict Grandma Carole splayed out on top of a balloon, barking orders about more puff while the Queen’s corgis play with the decorations and Auntie Pippa with one of her brilliant party-planning tips reminds the chef to put jam in the jam tarts as she carries the third in line to the throne.  In addition to the uncomfortably realistic birthday take-over by the Middletons, Kate appears to be cupcake confused and wears one as a fascinator.  And in an environmentally unfriendly move, the Queen has her private jet write “Happy Birthday Royal Baby” in the sky, fictitiously adding to the British Royal Family’s very real and widely criticized enormous carbon footprint.

Are the advisors for the British Royal Family suffering from an outbreak of headlessness?  Who okayed this attempt to sell the Middletons in a way that seems straight out of The Boleyn Guide to Familial Self-Destruction?  The public is already suffering fatigue from the Middleton’s media saturation, the constant photos of the Orange One carrying various things throughout London, appearances of the Middleton Matriarch in the Royal Box with a smug serial killer grin and the Furry Marshmallow Man popping up when there are freebies to be had.  To show Carole and Pippa ordering Palace staff around even in cartoon form is to have reached the summit of cluelessness. The public was none too pleased when stories leaked about James using RPOs as his personal valet and Pippa borrowing some Scotland Yard detectives to do a security sweep of a book signing venue.  Plus there are the rumors of Carole being so domineering and unbearable to William and Kate’s staff that they quit.  Reducing a monarchy which still exists in modern times because people enjoy the tradition of pomp and ceremony to cute little doodles devalues the institution. All of the other existing royal families should make fun of them for this.

The books which are being sold in the gift shops of the Royal Residences were written by Martha Mumford who I suspect is secretly working for the UK Republican Party.  Martha Mumford is an anagram for Mud Mat For Harm.  Mud Mat For Harm, indeed.  Coincidence?  Well, yes.

According to the Daily Mail article, “a portion of the profits goes to the upkeep of the Royal Collection.”  It kinda makes you wonder where the rest of the profits are going.

The craziest thing about these children books featuring the Middletons and Windsors is that everyone featured within the pages had to give consent to this tackiness.  I shudder to think what the future holds for the monarchy, how long it will be before Buckingham Palace becomes a mall filled with new commercial endeavors like Pippa’s Spray Tan Booths and James’ Doomed Confections.


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The Middletons Take Mustique

After three events on Monday for which child-scarer Kate Middleton looked like a Clueless Miss Geist, the duchess became a self-fulfilling punchline when she jetted off to Mustique on Thursday with Prince William, Prince George, her mother, father, sister and brother and several Royal Protection Officers.

Despite being ‘too pregnant’ to join Prince William on a tour of China and Japan, Kate is apparently just pregnant enough for the nine hour flight to her favorite Caribbean destination.  No Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum to spoil the Caribbean Queen’s third trimester two week getaway with the Middletons, which is fortunate, had Kate’s pregnancy really been a difficult one and not just billed so to get out of duties, there might be concern that the future fourth-in-line to the throne was several islands away from the most basic of hospital care.

The trip is ostensibly to celebrate Middleton Matriarch Carole’s 60th birthday which apparently the Doolittles were unable to do when they spent this past weekend with Kate’s parents at Bucklebury or during the two weeks or so that the Middleton family spent at Anmer Hall around the Christmas holidays.

Surely this birthday celebration for Carole has been in the works for a while and yet Prince William still opted to forego Christmas Day with his grandmother, preferring to spend it instead with Carole and the rest of the Middleton clan in a mansion gifted to him by Her Majesty.  Apparently with the short deck Prince William seems to be playing with these days, Carole trumps the Queen.  With Carole Middleton seemingly always getting top priority, isn’t every day Carole’s birthday?

But this Mustique trip had to have an official reason to make it slightly more palpable to the press, after all, Prince William has been doing very few official engagements while supposedly training to be an air ambulance pilot, Kate just took several weeks off around Christmas from all that nothing she does, and they couldn’t call it a Babymoon because they just had one of those in November, nor could it be a second honeymoon because they just had one of those ten months ago in the Maldives… so Carole’s birthday celebration it is.

While this is a private Middleton getaway, unfortunately it still comes with a hefty price tag for taxpayers who foot the bill for security and any additional staff the couple brings, such as the nanny.  These costs include round-trip business class tickets, luxury resort lodging, per diem and overtime.  While RPO numbers are never released for “security” reasons, I estimate a dozen Royal Protection Officers were brought along to Mustique to guard the villa, The Heir-To-The-Heir, The Heir-To-The-Heir-To-The-Heir and The Hair.  Despite taxpayer financial contributions to this trip, it’s doubtful taxpayers will even get to see pictures from this latest holiday.  In the past, other guests on Mustique have complained about royal security restricting movement on the island, taking away their cell phones and even questioning them before allowing them on the beach (which makes the 2013 babymoon pics even more curious, with many believing Carole was somehow involved).  But, who knows, maybe Prince William will spring for some “Kate and Wills Blew My Tax Money on Another Holiday and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” souvenirs.  Or maybe Prince William prefers the more classic “I’m With Stupid” design. redheart

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Kate’s SportsAid Got Boomf-ed

On Wednesday, Kate Middleton attended an event for SportsAid, an organization that helps give financial support to young British athletes.  Kate met with some of the athletes hoping to participate in the 2020 Olympics being held in Tokyo and took part in one of the workshop’s performance tests.  While the cognitive test Kate tried out was one for reflexes, Kate wore for the first time appropriate footwear for joining in reindeer games.  She was in flats.  Well, boots with a 1.5” (4cm for the rest of the world) block heel.  But still.

They are the Half N Half Stretch Riders designed by Stuart Weitzman for Russell & Bromley retailing for $623.48 (£395.00).


The dress was the Vreeland Dress by Goat in a dark dusty plum retailing for $710.30 (£450.00).

GoatVreelandDressKate’s SportsAid solo event was eclipsed in the media today by an interview granted Good Morning America by her brother James Middleton peddling his pricy customizable marshmallows, Boomf, and offering a few personal bits of info like Lupo being his wedding gift to the royal couple in exchange for the Boomf promotional airtime.  They don’t just let you sell your $25 box of 9 marshmallows, you’ve got to dish a little about the Royal Family.  After Pippa’s trip last week to NY to meet with NBC’s Today Show about her potential new gig, I think infectious disease screening in New York airports needs to now include screening for Middletons.  Carriers of Middleton Disease are easy to spot, they are positively aglow with fame-whoriness.

I can’t imagine Kate’s siblings didn’t clear this pursued media exposure with her prior to hopping across the pond, so are these unseemly Middleton media appearances passive-aggressive acts against the British Royal Family who tend to frown on this sort of thing?  And what could Kate be royally miffed about?  Sure, her marriage seems to be strained at the moment, but really, who could Prince William have done that would warrant inflicting her siblings on innocent Americans?   That’s just mean.  And embarrassing to her in-laws.  She should be a little more careful with rebelling against the Windsors, nude L.K. Bennett Sledge pumps have a way of disappearing from closets.  Maybe that’s why she was in flats for today’s SportsAid event, when she woke up, there was a pile of just the heels from her footwear on the pillow next to her with a note that said, “Next time the clutches get it.”



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