Tag Archives: Jenny Packham

Cosplay Kate

On Friday, Kate Middleton briefly united fans, critics and the media by wearing a Jenny Packham gown to the Royal Variety Performance that pretty much everyone agreed made her look like Elsa from Frozen.  Check out where Elsa’s hands are, did Disney animators and Kate go to the same princess training school?

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It’s one of those dresses that doesn’t look terrible from a distance but upon closer examination reveals itself to be sparkle chaos, the sequins, beads and crystals creating a glittery crustiness that haunts you like a grey hotdog from a street vendor.

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The madness is mesmerizing, there are clusters that sort of resemble butterflies, hanging embellishments that look like they could be tassels or dangling crystals or maybe a secret SOS message to an even more secret lazy royal advocacy group that she’s being forced to duchess against her will.

I for one am here for Cosplay Kate as long as it’s not all Jane Austen and lace. The next time she plans to flit off to Mustique, she should dress up as Mystique for whatever pre-flight engagement she has.

A Tweet by Jason Manford revealed that sitting there while being entertained had taken its toll on Prince William and Kate.

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William’s divide and conquer strategy so they could get out of there in ten minutes would have allotted 24 seconds with each performer, assuming both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did their equal share, which doesn’t sound like a lot of time because it’s not.  In The Princess Bride, Inigo Montoya’s famous line, “Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die,” took approximately 8 seconds so technically both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge could have introduced themselves and delivered a very succinct mission statement about revenge twice in 24 seconds, with 8 seconds left for a handshake and to advance to the next person.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the plan for the modern monarchy involves a tee shirt canon and a moving walkway like the one at the Tower of London to minimize the amount of time the future king and his consort are forced to spend with the commoners.  Both William and Kate can zip past a waiting group as they fire customized tee shirts at them with “Fuck off” on the front and on the back something like, “These shirts were so expensive, your taxes have been quadrupled and all of you now live in a yellow submarine.  By yellow submarine, we mean a cardboard box dogs have peed on.  But seriously, peasants are gross.”

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2016 Diplomatic Reception

Tonight was the Diplomatic Reception held at Buckingham Palace and while normally royal watchers just get the backseat Bentley shots, this year a formal portrait was taken of the three generations of the British Monarchy.

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The Queen is wearing the Royal Family Orders of King George VI and King George V, Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Prince William are in the Order of the Garter, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is wearing the Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II and Kate looks like a little kid who wandered into the shot, still with no royal order and her crotch clutching preserved for posterity.  Poor Kate, always in some state of disorder.

The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor bestowed on female members of the British Royal Family at the Queen’s discretion.

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Being born royal or marrying into the family doesn’t guarantee the Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, it is an honor that is earned.  Princess Diana and Katharine, Duchess of Kent received theirs during their first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  And after 5 1/2 years of marriage, giving birth to an heir and a spare, Kate, a future Queen Consort, is still playing the Waitying Game.  I guess Kate’s Christmas chutney wasn’t impressive enough to nab that Royal Family Order from the Queen, but maybe McQueen can bedazzle her an Order of Bad Bespoke so she can have something shiny to wear at the Anmer Hall Fortress of Solitude while filling in all that duty-ducking time with her Secret Garden coloring book.

Of course, Kate has had very few occasions to even wear a royal order.  This is only Kate’s fifth time in a tiara.  She wore the Cartier Halo tiara on her wedding day, the Papyrus Lotus Flower tiara at the 2013  Diplomatic Reception and 2015 State Banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping, and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara to the 2015 Diplomatic Reception which was repeated again tonight.

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The Jenny Packham gown Kate wore tonight was also a repeat from the State Banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping last year.

So while the Palace gave the public an unprecedented Diplomatic Reception portrait, once again we get nothing from Kate that we haven’t seen before.

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La Vie En Bleu

On Saturday just shy of 4pm, the Cambridge’s plane landed in Victoria, kicking off their eight day Canadian tour, the cost of which is born by the host company.  Prince William and Kate’s 2011 Canada Tour came in around $1.2 million for taxpayers.

Even before the Cambridges touched down, Twitter revealed that no matter where the new royal tours go, the same old frustrations still exist.

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Really, that’s how the Palace want to kick off the tour?  Ticking off the skilled professionals who use their talents to paint the Cambridges in a more interesting hue in the global media?  This group who climbed into shuttles to meet the Cambridge Quartet at the airport?

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The littlest royals were spotted peaking out of the craft ahead of the official arrival.  I imagine Prince George turned to the staff and said, “Nope.  Shut it down.”

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Weather at the time of the landing was overcast and in the upper 50s.

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The Cambridges wore blue because no other colors exist for them anymore, they have adopted the hue as their official  team color.  Kate was in Jenny Packham, a Lock & Co hat and wore the Maple Leaf Brooch, on loan from the Queen.

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It was Kate’s best arrival look to date and was fitted which avoided flashing.  Kate’s Jenny Packham shade was slightly more sophisticated than the Smurf Blue she’s been favoring during her Blue Period.  She managed to make it down the stairs in nude heels, carrying Charlotte and holding George’s hand when the steps proved a bit steep for his little legs.

Kate tried to create cute kid moments but looked like the socially awkward adult at parties who targets the family cat and winds up clutching poor Fluffy like Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Kate’s attentions were focused on trying to get Charlotte to wave and squatting down in front of George in a rather unregal manner instead of interacting with the adults who waited around on a tarmac to greet them such as the Prime Minister and the Governor General.

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It appears the Windsor is already coming out in Charlotte who looks to me like she will resemble Princess Eugenie.

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George managed to get off a royal wave but was more interested in a Sea King that was landing nearby so no paternity test is needed.

The royal convoy then made a quick trip to the Government House.

According to the royal correspondents on Twitter, approximately 10,000 people gathered to welcome the Cambridges to Victoria.  Unfortunately for those who were waiting, Prince William and Kate were running late so staff gathered up the bouquets instead.

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Prince William and Kate laid a wreath in honor of Canada’s fallen soldiers and shook hands with select military personnel.

As part of the welcome ceremony, Prime Minister Trudeau and Prince William gave speeches. The reception Prime Minister Trudeau received suggests he was a large part of the event’s draw, he received louder cheers than the Cambridges.

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William attempted a line in French, sheepishly admitting his French was “rusty”.  As someone who hasn’t had a chance to speak French often over the last few years, I would describe mine as rusty, Prince William’s French was a linguistic massacre.  I died a little inside.  In lieu of flowers or donations, please send Chanel.

At the end of the welcome ceremony, Kate accepted flowers and the couple headed to the Government House for a photo op with the Trudeaus.  While Sophie Trudeau is touted as a fashion icon, I can’t be supportive of the Duchess of York style shoulder bows on her Edition de Robe dress, discordant eggplant Saucy milliner hat (which  I love on its own) and plastic and suede court shoes.

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But at least it wasn’t blue.  Picasso’s infamous Blue Period marked a time of severe depression and despair in his life between the years of 1901 and 1904.  Kate’s been hitting the blue hard lately.  Hopefully she is okay and the observation that if she loses those pesky last 20 grams of spinal cord, she’ll finally obtain her goal of being just a floating head isn’t in poor taste.  Normally it would be irregardless, but given her pre-wedding comment about her concerning weight loss being “all part of the plan”, I suspect Kate would find it the nicest compliment I’ve ever paid her.

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Day 1 of India/Bhutan Tour

With the time difference, Day 2 of Prince William and Kate’s India/Bhutan is already underway so I’m already behind.  I was awake and a little excited for the tour so I watched the first day unfold on Twitter.  It was more boring than waiting for a YouTube video of someone describing paint drying to buffer.  I randomly asked two royal correspondents to Tweet photos of their shoes but no takers.

Victoria Murphy wrote an excellent article on the importance of this tour for William and Kate.  When I noted in ReTweeting the article that I wasn’t sure if William and Kate even had enough momentum going in to turn around public opinion, Victoria responded, “I think the setting has really helped boost things for them.”

And she is right.  New set, new wardrobe, new guest stars, and the hope that somehow the show’s quality is going to improve.

William and Kate aren’t merely players strutting and fretting upon India’s stage, they also have producing and writing credits.  Not only do they have this fabulous new set, these scheduled events tell their vision of their host country and it’s surprisingly stereotypical: cricket, slums, Bollywood… presumably the snake charmer called out sick.  And I’m not the only one who noticed, this is a comment from a reader in India:

Slums-poverty-bollywood-cricket the stereotypist guide to India. Out of curiosity- doesn’t Kate have a stylist or Google or a mirror? The red dress looked like it was made out of the Taj hotel’s bedsheet collection and the blue dress looked like the nightgowns worn here. What is noteworthy is the negligible coverage of the visit in local press. Not even cricket god Sachin Tendulkar could make these two interesting or newsworthy. I don’t think anyone here is interested in having them back unless they are bringing back the Koh-i-noor with them or at least Coldplay.

So here’s how the first day unfolded:

Kate looked a little Elizabeth Taylor emerging after the flight.

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Flight fatigue and what I assume was a handful of tranquilizers became apparent in later photos, but it was an impressive “Bitch I’m Madonna” moment.  After nine hours on a plane, I spark fear that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun.

Kate arrived in bespoke McQueen and LK Bennett “Fern” shoes.  I like the original McQueen and how it was styled, I think it was a missed opportunity for Kate although I think I have to accept that she just can’t accessorize.  Or not suck the life out of clothing… I wonder how much of her diet consists of fashion’s soul.

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When the Cambridges arrived at the Taj Palace Hotel, they layed a wreath in memory of victims of its 2008 terror attack and met with staff whose heroic efforts helped save guest lives.

The Cambridges’ lunch was vegetarian.

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After a wardrobe change, the Cambridges headed to the Oval Maidan cricket ground.  Kate wore a bespoke tunic dress from Mumbai designer Anita Dongre and Mint Velvet wedges.

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Three charities: Magic Bus, Door Step School and India’s Childline, participated in the event.

There were no wardrobe malfunctions, but the wind at one point made Kate look like she was wearing clown pants.

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The teased special surprise was a bus ride.

You can't sit with us!

You can’t sit with us!

At the Banganga Water Tank, Prince William and Kate scattered petals in the water.

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Prince William and Kate then met with the charity SMILE.

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The Cambridges played football in the streets of the slum and there was almost a dance-off instigated by William who then backed out of it.  I noticed Kate got hit in the calf with a soccer ball, I’m not sure if it was an accident or if the kicker in question got to do something that has popped into the minds of many royal watchers at some point  or another.  Impoverished children then asked the Cambridges all sorts of questions about their big house, like how do they like their giant house and how do they call each other and their children in it which for some reason appeared to make William and Kate uncomfortable.

In the evening, William and Kate attended a Bollywood dinner and reception which benefited the charities: Magic Bus, Door Step School and India’s Childline.  Kate wore bespoke Jenny Packham that was beaded in India and earrings by Amrapali.

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In a dress that would have looked smurfy on Papa Smurf’s nana, Kate sort of looked like the spinster lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and The Joker.

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In a speech, Prince William revealed, “When Catherine and I were married, India was the 1st place on Catherine’s list that she told me that she wanted to visit.”  So after almost a decade of Waitying, Kate suddenly puts together her dream destination list once she could go on these trips on the taxpayer’s dime?

According to actress Madhuri Dixit, “The Duke said he hadn’t watched any Bollywood movies but he represents the British film industry was and interested in collaboration.”

WTF?  Prince William, President of BAFTA and resident of planet Earth has never seen a Bollywood film?  How is that even possible?

Granted, I’m probably a bigger film lover than most, I’ve even taken multiple subways to go see an obscure French vampire film I don’t even think some of its cast had ever heard of, but the BAFTA president couldn’t have watched one or two movies on the nine hour flight in preparation for the event?  Or maybe on one of his many days off from both royal and air ambulance duties?

I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising considering Prince William vetoed Skyfall on the staff’s special Christmas film night and insisted on fucking Twilight and then blew it off.  Seriously, he can’t even make it through one film, how is he going to handle being Head of State?

At least Prince William appeared to have an inkling of what he’s been missing out on in the presence of one of the most beautiful women in the history of the world, actress Aishwarya Rai.

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