Tag Archives: Kardashians

Keeping Up With The Kambridges

A new cast member has been added to the British royal sur-reality show, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana born on May 2nd.

I was a little surprised Kate Middleton gave birth to a girl, I assumed the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would have two boys close in age, then a girl, the order ensured either through in vitro fertilization and preimplantation genetic diagnosis or whatever dark magic Middleton matriarch Carole has got on tap these days.  With the Kambridge ratings slipping as its walking shadows fill the stage with sound and fury, perhaps the powers that be decided the show needed some Diana-colored memories of the way they were.  Of course, it’s always possible Charlotte was conceived the old-fashioned way without test tubes or cauldrons, just Prince William summoned to Bucklebury by his mother-in-law for tea and coitus with an ovulating Kate.

On Wednesday, Princess Charlotte was brought to Anmer Hall, the couple’s country home located on the Queen’s Sandringham estate in Norfolk.  The press was immediately warned through hand-outs distributed by Norfolk police that their presence was not welcome and that the family expected privacy.


Of course it’s natural that following the birth of a child, Prince William and Kate want some family time, alone with their daughter, son, their team of Royal Protection Officers, nannies and Kate’s parents who have moved in to Anmer Hall to oversee the couple’s household staff.  As public figures, however, the Cambridges are not afforded such a right to privacy, there is merely a gentleman’s agreement between the Palace and the increasingly irritated UK media not to publish photos taken during down time, as well as the royal family’s means to financially devastate members of the media with costly legal fees to discourage non-compliance.  No matter how much Prince William tries to isolate himself from the press, duty and the people he represents, though, he is still a future king, public interest will never go away.  The more he rants, the more irrational he looks and let’s face it, given his past battles with the press and how screwed up his formative years were, the psychological strings that keep him from sitting in front of Anmer Hall in a rocking chair, wearing a bathrobe and tapping long fingernails against the stock of a rifle are probably pretty frayed by now.

Many comparisons between the Cambridges and Kardashians have been made over the years… the tenacious matriarchs, Kate and Kim’s concurrent weddings and pregnancies, the booty battle between Pippa and Kim, Kate and Kim’s exposed genitalia… but while one family courts the media, the other shuns it completely.  Ultimately, the stock-in-trade of both familial brands is public popularity which can go away very quickly.  While it’s been said that Kim Kardashian lives in fear of one day no longer being famous, Prince William’s actions seem to suggest he’d be far less devastated if the monarchy were to be abolished as long as he got to keep some of its perks.   I can totally picture him riding a scooter or a battle cat throughout the palaces, tagging items he wants to keep with W-inscribed Post-its and pulling off the H Post-its.  Sometimes I wonder though why Prince William wouldn’t want to try harder to preserve the family business for his own children.  Maybe Prince William thinks it’s not worth having.  Because right now the focus seems to be on how much Prince William doesn’t want to be an heir to the throne, he wants to be left alone with all the royal perks that were sent along to Anmer Hall so this attempt at a normal life wouldn’t be burdened by any actual normality.  Additionally, Carole moving into Anmer Hall to oversee the staff raises concerns about Prince William’s competency for his future roll.  Um, how exactly will Prince William be able to serve as head of state when he and his wife can’t even serve as head of household?  Behind all of Prince William’s various gap years and diversionary stints to buy time away from the inevitable is a thirty-two year-old man who still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, a reluctant prince who will probably one day grab the microphone at Prince Charles’ coronation and proclaim, “”Yo.  Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best coronations of all time! One of the best coronations of all time!”  At least if Prince William does fully metamorphosize into Kanye West, he’ll finally know what he wants to do when he grows up, “make dope shit for the world” and “represent the regular dude who believes in God but still likes pussy”.  It’s important for “normal” people to have goals.


signature copy



Royals Lost and Lola Found

Prince Harry, Prince William, Prince George and Kate Middleton remain MIA.  Too bad that show Without a Trace was canceled, they were super good about finding people.  Prince William was last seen yesterday on a flight to Dallas/Fort Worth, Prince Harry was last spotted in Memphis on Saturday (it’s being reported a “source” confirms they have both left Tennessee, though, but no further word on their travel plans), and Kate Middleton and Prince George have been missing since Australia.

Um, should we be putting their pictures on milk cartons?  It’s a little spooky one of the most photographed families in the world has vanished.  Right now there’s no word if the two Princes have even left the United States, so why the veil of secrecy?  Have the Windsors secretly joined forces with the Kardashians and soon E! will be announcing a new spin-off called Kourtney, Khloe, Kate, Kwilliam and Kharry Take Miami?

If Prince William travelled to Memphis from the rumored secret Middleton Switzerland Ski Trip, it turns out I’m one of the few who finds that shocking.  Nothing seems to phase more seasoned royal watchers when it comes to Princes William and Harry and Kate Middleton taking off without leaving a note on the fridge.

We might not be able to find them, but I was scanning a list of recent search engine terms that others have used to find my blog and thought I’d list just a few (with some commentary) to show why the modern monarchy needs a lot more than Kate’s hair and Prince George’s grumpy faces for an enduring positive public image.

LoveLolaHeart recent search engine terms:

redheartbulletpoint waity katie (the #1 search engine term!)

redheartbulletpoint duchess doolittle

redheartbulletpoint waity katie lazy

redheartbulletpoint lazy katie

redheartbulletpoint lazy kate middleton (huh, there seems to be a trend emerging)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton waity katie (geez, you wait around a decade for a guy to marry you and no one lets you forget it)

redheartbulletpoint lazy royals

redheartbulletpoint love lola kate middleton (thanks to my supporters and #1 fan for making me searchable by name. Hi, temi!)

redheartbulletpoint laziest royal (that’s an accomplishment, Kate, you’re #1! Yay?)

redheartbulletpoint duke & duchess doolittle (a well-matched couple)

redheartbulletpoint prince william and kate are lazy (yeah, I noticed that, too)

redheartbulletpoint lazy duo royals (Lazy Duo Royals sounds like the absolute lamest superhero team, sort of like that one Wonder Twin who can just turn into some form of water)

redheartbulletpoint love lola heart prince william (awww, and I got top billing on those searches, too!)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton is lazy

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton bottomless photos

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton wind

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton vagina

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton crotch shots

redheartbulletpoint catherine middleton is lazy (well, at least some people are finally calling her Catherine)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton pussy red dress (somewhere my Mom is just beaming with pride)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton nude (I probably disappointed some people looking for the balcony pics)

redheartbulletpoint lazy duchess of cambridge (on the bright side, they’re addressing her by her royal title)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton vapid (at least they didn’t call her lazy)

redheartbulletpoint ayers rock kate grabs her crotch

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton is a lazy slut

redheartbulletpoint kate duchess manipulative

redheartbulletpoint prince william looks bored with kate and george (to be fair, lots of us are bored with kate)

Congratulations, British Royal Family!  It seems the future Queen Consort is regarded as a lazy vapid promiscuous manipulative flasher whose only accomplishment has been waiting around a decade for a man to marry her.  Producing an heir didn’t even show up under the search engine terms used to find this blog.  And Prince William is right there next to her on the lazy scale.  This perception issue is easily mended by having them leave the Palace and resorts every now and then and make some contributions to society.  With all the royal advisors on staff whose salaries are footed by taxpayers, why hasn’t anyone made this a priority yet?


signature copy