A new cast member has been added to the British royal sur-reality show, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana born on May 2nd.
I was a little surprised Kate Middleton gave birth to a girl, I assumed the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would have two boys close in age, then a girl, the order ensured either through in vitro fertilization and preimplantation genetic diagnosis or whatever dark magic Middleton matriarch Carole has got on tap these days. With the Kambridge ratings slipping as its walking shadows fill the stage with sound and fury, perhaps the powers that be decided the show needed some Diana-colored memories of the way they were. Of course, it’s always possible Charlotte was conceived the old-fashioned way without test tubes or cauldrons, just Prince William summoned to Bucklebury by his mother-in-law for tea and coitus with an ovulating Kate.
On Wednesday, Princess Charlotte was brought to Anmer Hall, the couple’s country home located on the Queen’s Sandringham estate in Norfolk. The press was immediately warned through hand-outs distributed by Norfolk police that their presence was not welcome and that the family expected privacy.
Of course it’s natural that following the birth of a child, Prince William and Kate want some family time, alone with their daughter, son, their team of Royal Protection Officers, nannies and Kate’s parents who have moved in to Anmer Hall to oversee the couple’s household staff. As public figures, however, the Cambridges are not afforded such a right to privacy, there is merely a gentleman’s agreement between the Palace and the increasingly irritated UK media not to publish photos taken during down time, as well as the royal family’s means to financially devastate members of the media with costly legal fees to discourage non-compliance. No matter how much Prince William tries to isolate himself from the press, duty and the people he represents, though, he is still a future king, public interest will never go away. The more he rants, the more irrational he looks and let’s face it, given his past battles with the press and how screwed up his formative years were, the psychological strings that keep him from sitting in front of Anmer Hall in a rocking chair, wearing a bathrobe and tapping long fingernails against the stock of a rifle are probably pretty frayed by now.
Many comparisons between the Cambridges and Kardashians have been made over the years… the tenacious matriarchs, Kate and Kim’s concurrent weddings and pregnancies, the booty battle between Pippa and Kim, Kate and Kim’s exposed genitalia… but while one family courts the media, the other shuns it completely. Ultimately, the stock-in-trade of both familial brands is public popularity which can go away very quickly. While it’s been said that Kim Kardashian lives in fear of one day no longer being famous, Prince William’s actions seem to suggest he’d be far less devastated if the monarchy were to be abolished as long as he got to keep some of its perks. I can totally picture him riding a scooter or a battle cat throughout the palaces, tagging items he wants to keep with W-inscribed Post-its and pulling off the H Post-its. Sometimes I wonder though why Prince William wouldn’t want to try harder to preserve the family business for his own children. Maybe Prince William thinks it’s not worth having. Because right now the focus seems to be on how much Prince William doesn’t want to be an heir to the throne, he wants to be left alone with all the royal perks that were sent along to Anmer Hall so this attempt at a normal life wouldn’t be burdened by any actual normality. Additionally, Carole moving into Anmer Hall to oversee the staff raises concerns about Prince William’s competency for his future roll. Um, how exactly will Prince William be able to serve as head of state when he and his wife can’t even serve as head of household? Behind all of Prince William’s various gap years and diversionary stints to buy time away from the inevitable is a thirty-two year-old man who still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, a reluctant prince who will probably one day grab the microphone at Prince Charles’ coronation and proclaim, “”Yo. Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best coronations of all time! One of the best coronations of all time!” At least if Prince William does fully metamorphosize into Kanye West, he’ll finally know what he wants to do when he grows up, “make dope shit for the world” and “represent the regular dude who believes in God but still likes pussy”. It’s important for “normal” people to have goals.