Tag Archives: Kate Middleton

The Cambridges Goth Protest Too Much, Methinks

Well, the Cambridges posed for a family photo for Prince William’s GQ article and the family portrait that was released is… well, it’s just bloody awful.

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It’s like The Addam’s Family on acid.  I’m not sure why George is crawling into the photo, he’s going the wrong way.  Run George, run!  And take your sister, who is presumably looking at her nanny out of frame, with you.

Remember how creepy and lifeless the family photo taken for Kate Middleton’s first Mother’s Day was?

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It’s like the photographer for this GQ piece, Norman Jean Roy, looked at that one and said, “Hold my beer.”

I’ve got an inner goth girl and would describe my personal aesthetic as Haunted Bordello, but even I wouldn’t have this copy of GQ in my home for fear the maniacally grinning Kate would crawl from the pages and attempt to devour my soul.  More hair has been PhotoShopped on Prince William, but his head still looks like a menacing floating orb, his grimacing smile that of a demonic Bugs Bunny.

How are they finding these photographers, do they say “Beetlejuice” three times and ask him for a recommendation?

In the Daily Mail article, there is a quote from Prince William reflecting on his mother’s death: “I still find it difficult now because at the time it was so raw. And also it is not like most people’s grief, because everyone else knows about it, everyone knows the story, everyone knows her.”

To be fair, one of the first things grief counselors are taught is that no two people grieve the same but quite a few people took issue with Prince  William’s choice of words in comment sections and on social media with one cherished member of this community summarizing it on Twitter as “elitist”.  I have tremendous sympathy for Prince William and can’t imagine what it was like for him at such a young age, but the phrasing makes it seem like he’s saying his grief is special because his mother was famous.

Prince William was also quoted as saying, “I want George to grow up in a real, living environment, I don’t want him growing up behind palace walls, he has to be out there. I will fight for them to have a normal life.”

Does Prince William mean the normal life George has at the Anmer Hall Fortress of Solitude and occasionally Kensington Palace from which he only ever seems to escape when accompanied by Nanny Maria or sometimes Carole Middleton?  And that normal life, that’s amongst the taxpayers who are threatened with lawsuits should they dare take a photo of George despite it being perfectly legal, right? Or will actors be cast and sets made to create charming little plays about real life as Marie Antoinette enjoyed doing?  Normalcy is such a lark.  For a really good time, Prince William should try giving it a go without all the taxpayer-funded perks.  The rest of us are having a blast.

If Prince William truly wants George to grow up in “a real, living environment”, the first step would probably be putting an end to the spooky family portraits that make the Cambridges look like menacing specters.  Even poor Lupo looks like some black shadow figure hunting for ghost prey.

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Pippa Middleton’s Wedding

On Saturday, one of the most famous bridesmaids of the last decade got to be the bride.  Pippa Middleton, also known as the other Wisteria Sister, married hedge-fund manager James Matthews in lavish royal-adjacent fashion.

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Pippa looked beautiful and blissfully happy, reminding us why we all love weddings, even ones we think we don’t particular care about until the media gently reminds us that apathy is not an option.

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I wasn’t particularly a fan of Pippa’s custom guipure lace gown by Giles Deacon and the Maidenhair Fern tiara.  With the lace, high collar, and molded feel of the bodice, it was a little too Victorian Wonder Woman as interpreted by Zack Snyder for my taste.

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But of course, after seeing how jacked Pippa’s arms are now, I wouldn’t say that to her face.

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The Daily Mail has a multitude of articles with a vast amount of photos of the wedding, including one in which you can sort of see Meghan Markle being driven to the reception by Prince Harry.  Her absence from the church ceremony almost overshadowed the bride on social media as royal watchers wondered if there would be a royal wedding in the not-so-distant future.

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Kate served as an unofficial bridesmaid to her sister, doing some flower girl and page boy wrangling. There’s a great photo of Kate shushing the kids that made the cover of the Sunday Express.

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Kate also helped with straightening her sister’s veil and dress.

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In quite a few photos, Kate appears to be looming behind Pippa like acid reflux.

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After the ceremony, Prince George had a little mini meltdown.  Reportedly, it was in response to Kate scolding him for stepping on Pippa’s train, but who knows.  He could have been cranky because he’s three and at a wedding.  Princess Charlotte had a couple of moments of being two at a wedding but she was two like a pro and quickly recovered.

The Duchess of Cambridge’s style is always soooo mother-of-the-bride and this dusty peach Alexander McQueen dress which she paired with a Jane Taylor hat and Kiki McDonough earrings was no exception.

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It’s totally WKRP in Cincinnati and not in a good way.

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I mean, come on, the actual mother-of-the-bride, Carole Middleton, looked more youthful.

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Although Carole and Kate both went so heavy on the blush, I couldn’t get Judy Collins’ version of “Send in the Clowns” out of my head.

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Send in the clowns
Don’t bother, they’re here

Seriously, the ladies of the Moulin Rouge didn’t wear that much rouge.

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Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas

I noticed Kate’s rings were doing an awful lot of slipping.  She was wearing her eternity band so they shouldn’t have slipped that far up towards her knuckle.  Hopefully she’s okay.

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While the wedding wasn’t a royal union, the taxpayers still have to pick up the tab for security because of the attendance of the second, third, fourth and fifth in line to the throne.  St. Mark’s church was closed on Friday evening for security sweeps, as were various roads, including the one taken by James and Pippa to the reception in a Jaguar, doing a royal-adjacent wave to those who had gathered to wish the newlyweds well.

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Congratulations to the happy couple!

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Kate Visits Luxembourg

On Thursday, Kate Middleton embarked on a Kate-sized solo tour of Luxembourg in celebration of the 1867 Treaty of London which consisted of five events in four and a half hours.  It was jam-packed with all of the hair touching, veneer flashing, and crotch clutching one would expect of an official visit from the UK’s so-called diplomatic secret weapon for strengthening international relations in the wake of Brexit.

I think even the media is having a hard time keeping a straight face with that claim.  I noticed the sentence referencing the “diplomatic importance of the visit” in Richard Palmer’s piece had a typo.  Poor chap was probably laughing so hard, it made it difficult to type.

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This screenshot from the first photo in his article pretty much sums up why it’s hard to take Kate seriously as an official representative of the British Royal Family and the UK.

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Kate doesn’t come across as capable of managing her own hair, let alone something as complex as the UK’s withdrawal from the European Union.

Kate wore bespoke Emilia Wickstead, an ice blue version of the St. Patrick’s Day coatdress she debuted in 2012 as well as new blue topaz and diamond Kiki McDonough earrings retailing for £3,500 (around $4,510 USD).  Kate ditched a lot of the outsourced hair she usually wears and her skin looked positively aglow with fresh injections.

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At one of the events, three-year-old Teo Schleck presented Kate with a bouquet of flowers, then burst into tears and buried his face in his mother’s shoulder.  Reportedly Kate reassured his mother that it is “totally normal” at that age.  I’m way older than three, but if I saw that much clown blush and veneers coming at me, I’d probably want my Mommy, too.

When the twin sons of Luxembourg cyclist Kim Kirchen presented Kate with a jersey, Kate reportedly said that she has no excuse now not to get on a bike.  Maybe the Queen should hook Kate up with a duchess jersey, that way she will have no excuse not to duchess.

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Btw, I’m not going to have a lot of time over the next few days to moderate but expect to start posting more regularly again within a week.

Kate Middleton’s Masks

“Virtue has a veil, vice a mask.”
-Victor Hugo

Kate Middleton is a woman with multiple pairs of nearly identical court shoes and even more virtually indistinguishable masks she wears to her official engagements, casting them off and forgetting about them until she needs to show up in public again to convince the masses she is keen on doing whatever her Communications Secretary proclaims is close to her heart.

Tom Sykes wrote a piece recently in which he discussed growing disenchantment with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Sykes noted, “If William and Kate do slip up, the press, who have showed Olympian levels of restraint in their coverage of the royals in recent years, will eat them alive, so heavily built up is the resentment from a series of sleights, non-co-operation and attempts to cut them out of the picture.”

At Kate’s last two engagements on Wednesday for Action for Children, a patronage passed to her by the Queen, there was a curious lack of royal correspondents discussing the events on Twitter.  I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

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Rebecca English from the Daily Mail was supposed to be there but had to cover an event at Clarence House instead because of a “childcare crisis” but overall the general Twitter hum generated by a Kate engagement was more of a ho-hum.

Kate wore a burgundy suit by Paule Ka which she first debuted in 2012.

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Not only is the skirt surprisingly short for official engagements requiring a lot of crouching down, it looks surprisingly like my Christmas tree skirt that disappeared several years ago.  Now, I’m not accusing the designer of breaking into my home and raiding my holiday decorations, but it’s good to know there are replacements out there for it.  Quite frankly, it might be best covering the base of a tree because I noticed a number of photos with this happening on Kate.

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Once dubbed a modern fairytale princess, Kate no longer draws crowds like she once did.

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Comments on the Daily Mail article about Wednesday’s engagements made observations that Kate “seems like an empty soul” and “looks so insincere”.

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Despite the usual photo props of cute children and lovely bouquets, all was not grins and roses.  BBC Wales News posted a video with the kind of kid hug footage that’s usually instant PR gold.

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Unfortunately, they missed the frames in which Kate was switching masks, like when Kate turned away from the cute cuddlers and made an annoyed face with her eyes shooting daggers.

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And of course there was the face she made when she realized she would have to turn back to the adorable tykes to say goodbye and thank you.

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I’m not sure why becoming a Disney princess ranks highly for so many, but I guess I’m cool with it as long as becoming a Disney villain ranks lower.

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If Kate can’t handle these mini bursts of engagements without being able to convincingly feign an appearance of not being resentful towards her duties, there’s little hope for the monarchy marathon.  Kate got her prince but it seems it never occurred to her that after her wedding she wouldn’t be able to disappear into the words “and they lived happily ever after”.

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Wittering Heights

While many of us spent Valentine’s Day mainlining sugary treats and snuggling up with loved ones or casting curses on exes, Kate Middleton waged war on fashion and decorum at an engagement with air cadets at RAF Wittering.  There was also the classic battle of Kate’s hair versus the wind which resulted in a ponytail of defeat, captured by photographer Mark Stewart. (Correction by KateMiddletonReview: Kate actually started the day off with a ponytail then released the mane prior to the cadet exercises which adds a whole new level of mystery to Kate’s hair-making decisions.)  It’s as if an advisor instructed Kate to look “engaged” at the event but she mistakenly heard “deranged”.

At the RAF Wittering event, Kate participated in a team building exercise with the cadets and tried out a flight simulator.  Kate wore a festive red Philosophy di Lorenzo Serafini jacket which is a beautiful color on her.  However, because it is a pea coat which does have a tendency to visually add a teeny bit of width, Kate had to prove she’s still the skinniest in the land by pairing it with a pair of jeggings that were so tight, likely they came out of a spray can.

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The physics of these pants baffle me.  How can something be so tight that every muscle movement is visible beneath them and yet require constant tugging up?  Is this some sort of denim equivalent of cheap drugstore hosiery that keeps trying to snap back to the original 6″ length it was when you pulled it out of the package to the point you consider stapling the band to your underwear but despite your hellish struggle you still manage not to grab your own ass in public?

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Even more distracting than the pants were Kate’s exaggerated random facial expressions that had some on social media wondering what meds Kate’s on.

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But seriously, there’s no medication or pharmaceutical combination of which I’m aware that turns a thirty-five year-old mother of two and a future queen consort into a less dignified version of a howler monkey.  If Kate’s on anything at all, it was probably developed in a secret military research facility.

My mother would have been mortified if I behaved this way in public when I was six-years-old, Kate is almost six years into being a duchess and not only is there no evidence of those purported “princess lessons”, there’s little to suggest she has much experience interacting with other human beings.

At some point, I’m probably going to have to switch this blog into a Jennifer @Chic_Happens_ fan page.  She’s far more engaging and represents the UK better than Kate.

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BAFTAs Barf-ta

After spending most of his seven year tenure as President of the British Academy of Film and Television Academy missing in action, Prince William showed up to Sunday’s award show at the Royal Opera House with Kate Middleton.

This was the third BAFTA Award Show for Prince William and Kate’s first.  For Kate’s BAFTA Awards debut, she arrived in custom Alexander McQueen looking like Laura Ingalls dressed up as Harriet Oleson for Halloween.

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The original Long Tier Violet Jacquard dress from Alexander McQueen’s 2016 resort collection that Kate had modified cost $7,765 (£6,218).

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Kate’s McQueen box clutch retailed for $2,242 (£1,795).

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Kate’s Prada Wavy-Cut Suede Pumps which were visible when Kate lifted her hem to climb the red-carpeted steps cost $750.

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So that’s over $10,500 to look like a shrunken hunched-backed Harriet, not including the earrings which Kate first debuted in 2011.

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Not much is known about the drop earrings, although Rebecca English confirmed on Twitter they are not a loaner pair from the Queen.

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There was an amusing rumor floating before the BAFTAs that some actresses were concerned Kate would “out-shine” them at the award show.

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If there really was any concern at all, it was probably that Kate would go full-on fan-girl.

Kate has a history of becoming star-struck at events with celebrities and was so giddy meeting Jackie Chan at a Creative Collaboration: UK & China event that a Hong  Kong journalist covering it wrote, “Most unexpectedly, Princess Kate, who should be used to meeting and greeting dignitaries and upper echelons of society, suddenly lightened up with great delight and was very girlish when meeting Jackie Chan.”

It was actually nice to see Kate looking happy upon arrival at an event.  Too often she appears groggy and trepidatious, like she’s just coming to after being hit with a tranquilizer dart.

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I like happy Kate.  I just wish she brought even a fraction of this enthusiasm to other events.

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Unfortunately, the Duchess of Cambridge only appears genuinely engaged and interested in the presence of celebrities and Ben Ainslie.  When it comes to her charities, Kate sometimes looks like she can barely keep her eyes open.

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The Return of Mental Health Midge

On Sunday and Monday, Kate Middleton managed to carry out three mental health-related events, bringing her yearly engagement tally up to seven.

While it’s important for mental health issues to be destigmatized in society, it’s hard for me to believe that this is a cause Kate and Prince William genuinely care about.  Kate looks stiff and posed at these engagements while Prince William’s default compassionate expression looks like he’s trying to suppress a belch.  In stark contrast, Prince Harry’s interest in mental health is unquestionably sincere, his mother’s compassionate light burns within him, at these events he communicates with ease and appears in touch with his own humanity.

At the January 17th Heads Together event at which Kate, Prince William, and Prince Harry gave one of their three-fer speeches, royal correspondent Richard Palmer noted after Prince William brusquely ignored the media two feet away on the way in and bolted for the waiting car on the way out:

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While I rarely comment directly on Kensington’s Palace’s Twitter posts, I felt it necessary to point out that Kate’s oratorical contribution at that event was difficult to understand.

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With the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge at these engagements, I am reminded of jesters and minstrels of yore who performed for royalty, but in this case, it’s struggling individuals reaching into their souls to pull out the most painful, raw and darkest parts of their being for examination by the royal family’s two laziest royals so there’s an illusion that they care, despite their consistently low yearly engagement totals suggesting otherwise.

On Sunday February 5th, Kate Middleton, Prince William and Prince Harry attended a Heads Together event, joining a London marathon training session at the Olympic park.

Kate, William and Harry participated in a relay race with Prince Harry winning the royal leg.

To be fair, Kate was wearing her tightest jeans to date.  Every stride must have felt like getting a Pap smear on a bouncy castle and her starting position suggested she’s still struggling with keeping within the lines in her colouring books.

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Prince William’s trousers weren’t exactly the most event-friendly either.  If anyone was wondering, the second-in-line to the throne went left with his penis on Sunday.

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Prince Harry looked like he inched his starting position slightly ahead to gain an advantage over his brother but he needn’t have bothered.  The man who beat Usain Bolt with some creativity easily bested his brother who looked like he either really wanted to win or was passing a kidney stone.

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On Monday, Kate Middleton and Prince William got an unusually early start and attended a Place2Be engagement at the Mitchell Brook Primary School.  The Kindness Assembly marked the beginning of Children’s Mental Health Week.

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Kate wore a repeat red Luisa Spagnoli suit and once again sported her Muppet Madness bared-teeth grin which I imagine haunts the nightmares of children and the monsters living underneath their beds.

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Kate presented a Kindness Award to a student.  Videos from the event looked like a commercial for Mattel’s Mental Health Midge doll which comes with a bathing suit under her official engagement attire for a quick holiday get-away.

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In the photo @KensingtonRoyal posted, Kate looked posed and awkward but she didn’t give them a lot with which to work.  She totally has Mattel arm in this photo.

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Kate also delivered a speech which sucked less than usual but still was difficult to follow at times and uninspired.  Rebecca English’s Daily Mail article included its contents if anyone is interested.

On Monday night, Prince William and Kate attended a Guild of Health Writers conference at which William delivered a speech.

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Kate wore an Oscar de la Renta suit out of which she styled the life with her same-old black suede court shoes, black clutch and black tights.  Seriously, why aren’t the Fashion Police a legitimate branch of law enforcement?  Kate should be arrested for suffocating this gorgeous Oscar de la Renta suit to death with bland accessories and forced to attend a workshop on styling and maybe do some community service since she is a repeat offender.

Monday also marked Queen Elizabeth II’s Sapphire Jubilee, making the Queen the first British Monarch to reach a 65 year reign.  Long live the Queen!

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Royal Romance Still On

There have been lots of rumors floating around that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle broke up before Christmas and he went to Norway  without her.

Emily Andrews of The Sun was kind enough to answer my inquiry about the swirling gossip and confirmed Meghan and Harry are still very much together.

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Emily Andrews got the exclusive that Meghan and Kate Middleton have finally met.  For real.  On January 10th.

I can’t imagine what Kate and Meghan chatted about.  Kate’s not exactly the gal pal type and I feel badly for whatever woman winds up with her as a sister-in-law.  While supposedly the meeting went well, I just keep picturing the 1988 film Heathers with Kate dragging Meghan out of ear-shot and telling her, “You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.  If I wasn’t the head of it, I’d want the same thing.”  Then in an attempt to bond with Kate over charity work, Meghan was probably told:

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Reportedly, Meghan gave Kate a journal as a birthday gift.  I can’t imagine what kind of deep thoughts Kate will fill it with, but maybe Meghan started it off for her.  Hopefully it wasn’t in Kate’s handwriting: “People think that just because you’re beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun.  No one understood, I had feelings too…”

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George Michael & Princess Diana

2016 was a rough year for celebrity deaths, we lost so many greats.  The one that hit me the hardest was George Michael whom I have loved since I was a little girl.  I credit his sexiness for not only for kicking off an early puberty but for endowing me with a large rack.  All those lustful pre-teen hormones had to go somewhere and for me they settled in my chest (regretfully some of it also made its way to my ass).

I was a devoted fan throughout his career, from Wham!, through his aviator sunglasses days and beyond.  As I noted in Crushes, the “Faith” video still does it for me in a major way.  Despite all of George Michael’s struggles throughout his life, or perhaps because of them, he always felt like a kindred spirit: blessed but broken.

He described what propelled him in various interviews as: “It’s not the something extra that makes a star. It’s the something missing.”  Art in its various forms isn’t a choice, it’s a compulsion, a need to create something that will provide a fleeting sense of wholeness.

George Michael was so underrated as a vocalist.  His live 1992 cover of Queen’s “Somebody to Love” was a worthy tribute to Freddie Mercury who had a four octave range and exceptional control in his head and chest voice, very few singers can do his songs justice.  My favorite non-vocal part of this cover occurs between 3:50-4:00, the Wembley Stadium audience thunderously belts out “love”, Queen’s lead guitarist Brian May chuckles and George does a victorious twirl.

The year after the Freddie Mercury tribute concert, Princess Diana finally met George Michael at a World Aids Day concert.  Diana was a big fan of George Michael’s and after George declined a few opportunities to meet her, when they finally were introduced, they became fast friends.  Diana’s former chef, Darren McGrady, revealed some details about their relationship in a Daily Mail piece.

George spent a lot of time with Diana and helped her through her separation with Prince Charles, she would also ring him up and they would chat.  A tape of one such conversation exists in the safety deposit box of Andros Georgiou, one of George’s friends.  The back story and some other interesting anecdotes about Princess Diana and George Michael can be read in this piece.

George regretted not speaking with Diana in the two years before her death, life just got in the way and he always assumed she must have so many callers, he didn’t want to be an intrusion.  After Princess Diana’s death, George didn’t have much contact with her sons but told Piers Morgan in a 2011 interview that once at a Christmas party Princess Diana threw at Kenington Palace, he declined to honor an impromptu request from Prince William to sing, admitting he felt terrible about saying no to “probably the future king of England” but was too embarrassed to sing in front of small crowds, joking “there was a day I would have been taken to the Tower”.  Because of George’s close bond with Princess Diana, for Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, George wanted to give them a special gift and recorded a cover of Stevie Wonder’s “You and I” for their wedding.  He confirmed through a mutual friend that they both liked the song before making the track for them, hoping that they would be able to use it to raise donations for The Royal Wedding Charity Fund.

For me, it is the best thing to have come out of the Royal Wedding.

While George Michael’s scandals have been published exhaustively throughout the tabloids, much less ink has been dedicated to his charitable nature.  He was a kind gentle generous soul who quietly donated a lot of money to AIDS and cancer organizations, children’s charities, animal rescues and private individuals he heard about who needed help.  He not only gave of his money, but his time as well, volunteering at homeless shelters and various charities, asking fellow volunteers that his presence remain anonymous.

George Michael’s Older album has been said to have helped Prince William get through his mother’s death.  I imagine George Michael’s death had to have brought up old pain for Prince William, but hopefully it also reminded him of the positive impact his mother and her pop star friend had on the lives of so many and will inspire him to create his own legacy.

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Kate Kicks Off 2017 on a Blue Note

Kate began her work year today with two engagements, the first at the Anna Freud Centre and the second a dual engagement with Prince William at The Child Bereavement UK Centre.

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Her $2,000 Eponine coat dress is in that shade of Smurfy cobalt blue Kate seems to favor.

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This is the fourth year in a row Kate has started off a new year of royal engagements in blue.

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In addition to the brand new $2,000 coat which looks like the same old same old, Kate did go for a surprising new accessory.  For some reason she wore tiny orchid spike clips in her hair.

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Despite being so small, the clips in Kate’s hair inspired quite a few comments like this one from a Daily Mail article.

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Once again, there weren’t a whole lot of people around hoping to catch a glimpse of Kate’s arrival.

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I took a screen grab from the video posted on Twitter by Simon Perry of People Magazine and circled the barricade which looks more like one of those screens that people use to keep small breed dogs from going into the dining room.

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Supposedly the Anna Freud Centre event lasted an hour and forty-five minutes which is quite long for Kate, her official engagements usually tend to fall between twenty minutes and an hour.  The press was even able to get a quote:

“Parenting is tough.  And with the history and all the things and the experiences you’ve all witnessed, to do that on top of your own anxieties, and the lack of support you also received as mothers…I find it extraordinary how you’ve managed actually. So really well done.”

Of course, with a nanny, household staff, assistants and access to duchy millions, Kate’s observation that parenting is tough carries less weight than someone without Cambridge  comforts.

At the second event at the Child Bereavement UK Centre, Kate once again took a back seat to her husband.  Prince William’s quotes printed in the Daily Mail piece are pretty touching.  But once again, it is one of those frustrating flickers that reminds you that Prince William does have the capacity to do good work, but ultimately lacks focus and follow-through and any sense of noblesse oblige.

The Cambridges may have their moments, but they are few and far between.  Two days ago on Twitter, Jennifer@Chic_Happens_ pointed out that I paragraph I wrote about Kate two years ago is as applicable now as when I originally wrote it.

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The paragraph in question is:

“A new year always brings new hope as the calendar resets.  Let’s hope for Kate 2015 holds an invigorated approach to her role because Kate’s nearly four years of duchessing have been repeat performances of very little substance, leaving little to comment on other than her appearance.  With the same hair and same make-up, Kate is like a paper doll, with clothing that might change from time to time but still remaining a two dimensional figure that holds little interest.”

After almost six years, there’s little to suggest Kate will ever take her duties seriously or Prince William will overcome his own Prince Williamness and be the future king the UK deserves.

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