Tag Archives: Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva

The Parable of the Perturbed Press

“To whomever much is given, of him will much be required; and to whom much was entrusted, of him more will be asked.” – Luke 12:48

After years of reaping royal benefits, this week the media reminded the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge of their enormous growing bar tab of expectation.

On February 17th, Kate Middleton did her guest stint with the Huffington Post UK. The photos Tweeted by @KensingtonRoyal of the “newsroom” confirmed to me that they were using stuffed animals instead of real dogs and ponies for the Kate is Keen Show.

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While the event was geared towards bringing awareness to children’s mental health issues, the inherent flaw in selecting one outlet is representative of the greater issue that the Cambridges mistakenly believe they don’t need the media.  Kate’s second event of the year lacked the traditional media fanfare even though she wore a brand new outfit and everything.  Above all else, the press is a business so they naturally wouldn’t want to waste a lot of column space plugging their competition.

Many wondered if there would be a complete media black-out.

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Daily Mail article on Kate being papped shopping in pricy designer clothing referenced the Huffington Post event as Kate guest-editing “a website”.   While celebrity guest editing isn’t new which Jezebel’s “Kate Middleton Joins the Long, Goofy, Controversial Line of Celebrity Guest Editors” explores, the very fact that Kate is being classified as a celebrity reveals just how royally Kate is missing the mark.  Taxpayers don’t fund celebrities’ lives and more is expected of royals than being famous for being famous.  As representatives of the UK, royals are supposed to remain politically neutral and avoid the appearance of impropriety by refusing freebies  by companies seeking royal product placement…a  future Queen Consort aligning herself with one media outlet is tantamount to brand endorsement.

Prince William’s first scheduled engagement of the year on the 16th at the Foreign Office’s Diplomatic Academy seemed to even more blatantly break with the royal neutrality policy when a speech he delivered was widely interpreted as thinly veiled support of remaining within the European Union.  As the Daily Mail noted, “he all but named the EU as he referenced international organisations such as the United Nations, Nato and ‘elsewhere’ as institutions that help Britain affirm its ‘commitment to working in partnership with others’. ”  The Palace denied any political agenda and pointed out that never once in the speech did Prince William specifically mention the European Union.  Sure, and when I refer to the Petulant Prince, I really am talking about any spoiled arrogant balding 33-year-old British heir to the throne with a pathologically lazy wife, two kids and a Cocker Spaniel named Lupo.

On February 17th, The Sun fired a shot at William the Reluctant heard round the world’s media with “Throne Idle: Prince on 1st job of the year… and it’s a disaster”.  While many of the points it makes have been discussed here and on other sites like Kate Middleton Review, Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva, Celebitchy, and Sarah Whalen’s posts on Bayou Buzz, it’s refreshing to see the UK mainstream media dispense with the royal candy coating for a change and exercise some journalistic candor.

The Sun’s journalistic bitch-slap was such a departure from the white glove treatment Prince William normally receives, The Guardian dedicated an article to the article in “The Sun gives both barrels to Prince William”.

On February 18th, Richard Palmer Tweeted that for the RAF Disbandment Parade attended by Prince William and Kate, media access was limited under the guise of space restrictions.

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Perhaps the Cambridges were trying to keep out members of the media who might question the “value for the money” of Prince William and Kate who do so few official engagements to begin with taking a helicopter ride from London to Anglesey, Wales to attend the disbandment parade of the now-privatized branch of the Royal Air Force William left in 2013 without meeting his training commitment.

The Daily Mail continued the media pummeling with two new articles questioning the Petulant Prince’s dedication to his royal role with “William the Unwilling: A no-show at the Baftas, only two engagements all year and now even Royal eyebrows are being raised at a Prince who’s gone missing in action” as well as “Patell’s People: Work-shy William has to make a royal choice”.

The quote “to whom much is given, much is expected” comes from The Parable of the Faithful Servant, an eschatological warning in the Gospel of Luke to be prepared for the day of reckoning.  How long the monarchy will last remains to be seen, but with the press’ trumpeted judgment of William the Reluctant and the Duchess of Doolittle reaping the royal perks without commensurate return, the British Royal Family might want to figure out the whole Cambridge situation before the last three trumpets ring out.  The polo  ponies of petulant princes are no match against the apocalyptic horses of a republic.

redheart

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Secret Ski Vacation Rumor

A few weeks ago, I got a tip that Kate Middleton and Prince William were planning a secret ski get-away following the Australia Tour.  I dismissed it as some propaganda whispering, when I get gossip which seems unlikely even for this royal bunch, I usually assume there’s some amount of fabrication to it.  After all, would the Lazy Duo actually try to squeeze in yet another vacation given all the bad press they’ve received this year for their luxury get-aways?  That would require a sense of entitlement and impertinence at a level akin to pathological narcissism.

As public figures, Kate Middleton and Prince William are often the target of rumors, some of them true, some maliciously fabricated and others that remain more difficult to confirm or refute like the one that’s been circulating for a few years now about Kate’s alleged secret 2006 abortion when she and Prince William were dating which was rumored to be one of the contributing factors to their 2007 break-up. Unfortunately the more deceitful PR tactics are employed, the more voraciously the press will become to expose any concealed truths.

Because the UK press does not enjoy the same Freedom of Speech that the US press does, sometimes unflattering photos or tidbits of info are leaked across the pond by frustrated or disenchanted members of the media.  And sometimes people with grudges just make crap up because they’re bitter and bored.  It seems a little silly that people actually bother to fabricate gossip about the British Royal Family, that group has so much riveting dysfunction, if they ever did a reality show called The Real Housewives of Windsor, we would all be watching it.  But it happens.  And sometimes a dismissed rumor seems more credible than once believed.

Tonight, I noticed a comment on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva that I found fascinating.  My2Pence noted:

Prince William spotted in the private SwissAir lounge at Chicago/O’Hare on the way to Memphis. Presumably, he would only be allowed in that lounge if he had flown SwissAir into Chicago. Proof they snuck off on their skiing holiday? From what I can tell (and I could be searching their site incorrectly), SwissAir doesn’t fly from London to Chicago, but they DO fly from Zurich to Chicago.

And in a follow-up, My2Pence stated:

What surprises me is that the majority of royal reporters (and boards) seem to be ignoring it. Tanna hinted that they’d gone on holiday straight out of Australia but no one engaged with him about it. No photos of them arriving back in the UK after NZ/AU which is also odd. William flying SwissAir would seem to be proof that they went skiing straight out of Australia (with or without George) but everyone is pretending this didn’t happen?

Despite having heard the exact same rumor weeks ago about the couple going on a secret Middleton ski vacation after the New Zealand/Australia Tour and finding the report that Prince William was hanging out in the SwissAir Lounge at O’Hare on the way to the Memphis wedding odd, it still didn’t occur to me that Prince William and the Duchess of Doolittle could actually have the impudence to squeeze in yet another vacation until My2Pence made the connection.  That should pretty much settle any lingering doubts any of you might have as to whether or not I’m a natural blonde.

I imagine to the Cambridges, it’s such a bummer when protesting peasants wreck your annual ski vacation plans but did they actually try to sneak one in under the radar below the stink-eye line?  My initial reaction was no way would they attempt such an ill-advised trip, but maybe the genius of the plan was its unfathomable audacity.  Grumblings about the cost of security footed by taxpayers are being acknowledged in media articles estimating UK citizens are paying approximately $84,000 in security costs for this Memphis vacation for Princes William and Harry.  I estimated that the Maldives get-away cost taxpayers around $114,000.  Plus there’s Kate’s vacation to Mustique earlier this year and Prince William’s hunting trip to Spain.  With such intense scrutiny over the cost of the Royal Family to taxpayers, perhaps William and Kate tried to avoid even more security costs from reaching the public’s awareness and yet another vacation souring any positive press they earned during the New Zealand/Australia tour.

I did some follow-up research on Prince William’s selection of the SwissAir lounge and O’Hare seems to be the connecting city of choice for most international flights originating in Europe, so the connecting airport offers no clue as to the city of origin for Prince William’s flight, but there remain other details which make this rumor seem plausible.

  • There weren’t any released photos of the Heathrow arrival of the Royal Trio following the New Zealand/Australia Tour.  At least I didn’t see any and trust me, I looked.  Now that Buckingham Palace is counting travel time as official engagements in order to pad Lazy Katie’s numbers due to the PR backlash against UK’s Laziest Royal, arrivals and landings should be a matter of public record.  Travel arrangements can’t fall under the protection of privacy if they are being counted as official workdays.
  • No photos of Kate Middleton have been published since the Australia tour on April 25th, nothing in the press to suggest where she’s been since she boarded the flight to Sydney.  We’ve all been assuming she’s been locked away inside Kensington Palace but there’s no evidence to support that.
  • Prince William wasn’t seen since he boarded the flight to Sydney on April 25th until he was sitting in the SwissAir Lounge with his friends at O’Hare Airport en route to Memphis on Thursday May 1st enjoying some nachos and hot wings.
  • Why the SwissAir lounge and not say the British Airways lounge also located in Terminal 5 of O’Hare Airport?  Granted, when you’re a Prince, you can have your choice of lounges but it’s very possible his staff arranged the logistics of the layover directly with the airline.  Perhaps the Prince was flying SwissAir because he really was on the rumored secret Swiss ski vacation with Kate?
  • There’s already a pic of Prince William taken while onboard a flight to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport on Niraj Tanna’s Twitter page.  And yet no one snapped a single a pic or even commented on his presence until O’Hare?  Connecting at a different airport on the flight out, so is it possible now he’s actually returning to the UK?
  • Neither the Duke or Duchess of Cambridge showed up to the funeral of Mark Shand, brother to Prince Charles’ wife Camilla, on May 1st, despite a statement released by their reps that they were devastated by his death.  The Duke of Cambridge flew to Memphis on May 1st and there was no explanation offered as to why the Duchess of Cambridge could not attend.  Is it possible they weren’t even in the country at the time which is why it wasn’t feasible for the Duke to catch a later flight and still arrive in Memphis two days ahead of the wedding?

It is possible this secret ski vacation is just idle gossip that’s been idling for the last few weeks but it will be interesting to see if anything else emerges.  Could the Lazy Duo successfully pull off the same kind of secret ski getaway that Prince Harry got caught attempting when he and Cressida tried to sneak off to Kazakhstan in March?  Absolutely, Prince Harry only got busted a couple of days into his secret vacation because of a fellow skier with a camera phone, it’s possible the Duke and Duchess were more cautious, perhaps choosing a location where they would be guaranteed privacy, with trusted staff members being required to sign a Confidentiality/Non-Disclosure Agreement.

What do you guys think?

redheart

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Royal Vacation Tour is Finally Over

It’s safe to come out of our Emotional Fallout Shelters, the Royal Vacation Tour ended on Friday.  Following their attendance of ANZAC Day events honoring Australian and New Zealand military who have died in battle, the Royal Trio boarded a military jet that flew them to Sydney where they caught the commercial flight back to London.

Kate’s biggest regret for the tour?  Was it the embarrassing crotch flash that started the tour at the New Zealand airport?  Giggling at the ceremonial attire of a Maori warrior?  Causing backlash by parenting groups by insisting Prince George’s car seat be forward-facing?  Asking a 77 year-old man why he didn’t just build another house since he had built the one that had been consumed by the Blue Mountains brush fire?  Mispronouncing “palliative” twice in her awkwardly delivered speech at Bear Cottage?  Stumbling while wearing her 4 1/2” Stuart Weitzman Corkswoon wedges during a wine tasting?  Looking decidedly unregal as she jogged down Manly Beach in that pair of ghastly nude 4” Stuart Weitzman espadrille cork wedges because it slipped her mind she was supposed to fire the starting pistol?  Complaining to admirers her husband hated two of her outfits?  Wearing an inappropriately low-cut top to events focusing on underprivileged children?  Sticking taxpayers with the bill for an itinerary that was more like a vacation than a tour?  No, of course not. Kate’s biggest tour regret was that she didn’t have time to shop.  According to journalist Angela Bishop, “Kate said she really wanted to go out shopping and had been driving through cities looking out the window peering in to show windows.”

Oh, if only Kate cared about her charities as much as she does shopping, she might be able to deliver a speech without tripping over the affectation of her posh accent and be able to correctly pronounce “palliative care” which is the cause we’re assured is closest to her heart.

Despite spending $92,405.50 on her tour wardrobe according to a Daily Express article, Kate stuck to primarily British designers.  Kate wore three frocks by New Zealand designers, the Emilia Wickstead aquamarine dress to Dunedin, the recycled Rebecca Taylor “Sparkle Tweed” suit to the Royal New Zealand Police College and the Emilia Wickstead coat dress on the last day of her tour.  The only item of clothing by an Australian designer was the white eyelet dress by Zimmerman which she wore to Bear Cottage and Manly Beach.  With 24 official wardrobe changes, only 1/6th of the clothes she wore was a nod to her host countries.

Some Australians felt slighted by the underrepresentation of Australian designers in Kate’s tour wardrobe but thought surely Kate would make up for it at the black-tie reception hosted by Australia’s Governor General.  Nope.  That dress was by Texas designer Lela Rose.  This dress is exactly why you don’t mess with Texas, they’ll do weird ass shit with doilies and charge $1,460 for it and that’s if they like you.

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Huffington Post noted that Prince William couldn’t keep his eyes off of Kate in that dress.  I’m sure he couldn’t.  He probably was thinking, “WTF?  The spiders who spun those circles must have had a serious case of OCD.”

Leading up to this tour, we had been inundated with story after story promising Kate’s attire during the tour would be more regal with jewels on loan from the Queen.  Because we had only seen the fern brooch, many were betting Kate was finally going to bust out the historical bling at the Governor General’s reception.  At the very least, we’d get to see the Wattle Brooch.  Nope.  The only piece borrowed from the Queen was the fern brooch after all.  I’ve been hypothesizing during the tour that maybe the Queen didn’t trust her with the good stuff.  The only two plausible explanations are that Her Majesty really has such little regard for her grandson’s wife she didn’t want to loan her anything other than the one brooch, it must take forever to get the stench of lazy commoner out of royal jewels, or Kate is the dumbest woman on the planet and said, “I’m cool with just the fern pin.”

During the four months leading up to the New Zealand/Australia Tour, Kate only logged four official engagements so it’s not like she didn’t have plenty of time to prepare.  I wasn’t alone in finding her $92,405.50 Tour Wardrobe underwhelming, the NY Post ran an article entitled, “Hey Kate Middleton… try a tiara and quit boring us”.

For someone who spends as much time and money shopping, Kate should be better at it than she is.  Several of the outfits she wore were color variations or near duplicates of clothing she already owns.  She spent nearly $100,000 and managed to have wardrobe malfunctions, look like a flight attendant on several occasions, a teenager, her own mother, the sound of doves crying, a giant banana, the Great Gazoo, a walking doily and a depressed bunny in her second pillbox disaster hat.

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The only thing Kate didn’t look like was a Duchess.

Because of this Royal Vacation Tour, I got to chat with some wonderful people on Royal Dish which is a haven filled with witty commentary, marvel at KateMiddletonReview who somehow managed to cover all of the Royal Tour madness extensively without cracking and commiserate with others on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva.  Together we survived this Royal Vacation Tour.  I’ve been looking forward to typing these words for three weeks now: IT’S FINALLY OVER!!!

redheart

 

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Kate Doesn’t Mind The Gap

I’m a little worried about Kate Middleton.  Not so worried this post will be devoid of all snarkiness, just concerned enough to entertain the notion that maybe the Duchess of Cambridge might be struggling with more than just tan lines, or that maybe those tan lines sadden her more than we will ever know.

Despite having only worked 4 of the last 110 days, Kate seems to be one lifeless Poppet recently, her face is strained, she’s been clenching her jaw, she’s fake-smiling like a normal person and not a radioactive comic book supervillain named Pageant Girl, and she’s frugally shopping again.  On Monday while the Queen, Prince Philip and Prince William unveiled statues of Windsor Greys, Kate went shopping at The Gap.  And she bought Prince George these pants:

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Prince George isn’t tall enough yet to be able to carry off horizontal stripes, this is totally going to make him look hippy.  Kate knows better than that.

When looking at photos of the weekend wedding Kate attended with Princes William and Harry, I noticed what appeared to be dark tear streaks on Kate’s cheeks, so I asked for a second opinion on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva.  Herazeus answered, “The first thing that struck me before you brought this up, is that she has streaks down the side of her face consistent with streaked mascara that’s been running when a person cries.”

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Kate flipped on the smile switch for pictures, but the dark streaks became even more evident in more light.

Now, it was a friend’s wedding, people sometimes cry at those, but usually that happens during the wedding.  Guests usually don’t get in a pre-cry.  At least I don’t, I’m usually too preoccupied with trying to avoid Spanx-related near-death experiences.

I commented in my last post that Prince Harry was walking behind her in a lot of the weekend wedding photos, maybe using Kate as a human shield.  The more I think about it, though, the more I suspect Captain Harry Wales had her six.

In the family portrait taken on March 18th and released over the weekend, even with a level of PhotoShopping making her look like she’s her own Madame Tussauds wax figure, there’s a lot of tension in her jaw.

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This is her usual Duchess smile:

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Her smile in the family photo is almost a grimace in comparison.  Why so sad, girl?

Now, Kate’s always been a bit work-shy, something the Queen attempted to address back in 2008 without success.  I can’t imagine the Queen hasn’t noticed that when Kate leaves for the Australia/New Zealand tour, she will have only averaged one official engagement a month for the past four months.  That’s shocking even for a woman whose nickname is Lazy.  Has Kate perfected ducking Duchess Duties or has she been given a Duties-Free pass because something is amiss?

This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sitings.  Maybe Kate’s ultimate goal is to get her official engagements down to one a year and if she sees her shadow, it means there’s six more weeks of winter.  There are all sorts of rumors on the internet hypothesizing about her disappearing act and why she seems like a shadow of her former shell lately.  They range from speculation that she is still suffering from postpartum depression to marital problems to her starting to crack under the pressure of expectation that came with the title.  As much as I criticize her for not being involved in more charity work, I don’t want to see her unhappy.

The Australia/New Zealand Tour should be interesting.  She’s got appearances on fourteen days with only three rest days.  Even though for most, what she’s got scheduled is akin to our level of activity while on vacation, this girl hasn’t done any real stretching to prepare her.

redheart

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My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.

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When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.

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For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:

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The markers are:

1. The Vein –

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There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.

 

 

 

2. Mole #1 –

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Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.

 

 

3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.

 

 

 

4. Brows –

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There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.

 

5. Under-eye puffiness –

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This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.

 

6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.

 

 

7. Head scar –

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It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.

 

 

8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-

Katebumpsonforehead&pockmarks

 

Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.

 

 

Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:

katephotoshopped

Or this:

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When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.

kategraysnotretouched

Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.

kateportrait

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.

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Love,

Lola