Tag Archives: Kate Middleton Lazy

Cambridge to Nowhere

Once again, Prince William and Kate Middleton begin a new year being criticized for their lackluster performance and putting in far less work than other members of the Royal Family, including the Queen and Prince Philip who are in their 90s.  Prince William only managed 188 engagements in 2016 while Kate only showed up for 140.  The Cambridge’s numbers for 2016 are impressively low considering they undertook two tours which are big numbers-boosters because all of those airport greetings and “private” touristy experiences from which the press was banned counted as official engagements.

Since joining the British Royal Family in April of 2011, Kate has only undertaken a grand total of 484 engagements to date.  In 2016 alone, Prince Charles handled 530 engagements while Princess Anne had 509 so Kate still hasn’t cumulatively pulled off in almost six years what other members of the family manage in one.

The Daily Mail ran an article detailing how Prince William and Kate only do half the work Prince Charles and Princess Diana did at a comparable stage in their married lives when they were raising young children.

Not surprisingly, the public was reminded on Friday Prince William has another job he pretends to do sometimes with a series of photos taken by the same photographer who managed to track down the future king on the job last year when the press and public were grumbling loudly about Work-shy William.

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Prince William’s contract with East Anglian Air Ambulance  ends in March, the fact that he’s still in the co-pilot seat shows he puts in as much effort there as he does with his royal role.  It’s not that big of a deal, though.  Most air ambulances just have the one pilot, the government had to purchase a special helicopter for EAAA so Prince William could play co-pilot because he was unqualified for the job.  Once William decides he wants to be a cowboy or open a fake psychic detective agency, the EAAA just has to make a minor software adjustment to switch their air ambulance freebie back to a one pilot helicopter.  Or Prince William may decide to extend his contract, after all he’s able to dictate his EAAA schedule claiming royal duty while using the job as an excuse as to why he can’t do more royal engagements.

Something seems off about these photos in the Daily Mail piece.  Maybe it’s just Prince William’s stiff posture as he tries to emulate someone who does stuff or his getting the EAAA photo op out of the way so early in January that’s throwing me off, but there are two side by side pictures where the foliage doesn’t seem consistent at the same portion of the tail boom.

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Of course it could just be the angle.  Just like the strange violet hue at the top of William’s head could be explained by lighting conditions.

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But it got me thinking.  It’s hard to juggle both holidays and PR photo ops.  I mean, those poor Cambridges have to fit in both sandy beaches and snowy slopes not long after their time off at Christmas.  Instead of going through all the trouble of having to go work and try to remember what it is he supposedly does so it can be captured by a photographer like Geoff Robinson, why don’t they just shoot Prince William in various poses against a green screen?  That way he can easily be dropped into heroic scenes while he’s working on his tan or hitting the slopes or playing video games in the Fortress of Solitude.  Then whenever there’s word of a taxpayer torch and pitchfork mob forming, the Palace Press Office can release photos of Prince William in various heart-warming scenes like rescuing a box of kittens…

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Saving the Earth from an asteroid…

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Defeating the Kraken…

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Or even diverting attention away from any of his wife’s future flashing with a Marilyn moment of his own.

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Since Kate rarely speaks and when she does, she’s difficult to understand, they can try to beef up her numbers by having her assistant carry around a life-size cardboard cutout of her to her various patronages and see if anyone even notices.

Of course, the Cambridges might just opt to send everyone in the UK a photo from their next holiday with the message “We’re just not that into you.” especially since Prince William (the future Head of the Church of England) and Kate skipped sending out a Christmas card this year. (Instead they mailed out a photo from the Canada tour thanking those who sent them warm holiday wishes.  Other royals adhered to tradition with Prince Harry’s holiday card featuring children of an Invictus Games veteran while Prince Charles’ and Camilla’s holiday card included a photo from their Croatia tour).

Prince William and Kate deciding to spend Christmas at Bucklebury for the second time, a year after they skipped the Queen’s Christmas lunch in order to host the Middletons at Anmer Hall, suggests they don’t really feel strongly bound to the Royal Family or its traditions.  While there have been no repercussions, even the Royal Family must be wondering about the future of the monarchy under William the Reluctant.

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Sailing Along in An Aging British Royal Family

On Sunday, Kate Middleton made a rare appearance, emerging from extended maternity leave for the rained-out America’s Cup race in Portsmouth.  Despite the inclement weather, Kate looked happy, engaged and interested.

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I like this Kate.  She doesn’t have that dead inside blank stare normally worn at her increasingly rare public events.  She wasn’t fumbling desperately in her hair for a panic button or frantically pressing into her crotch trying to activate some kind of escape hatch lever to take her far away from the expectations of duchessing.

I can even tolerate this Kate who is so giddy flanked by the very dreamy Ben Ainslie and the far less swoon-worthy Prince William that she has the deranged grin of an escaped mental patient who raided the happy pill closet before flying over the cuckoo’s nest:

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The problem is this Kate only exists at sporting events and celebrity galas.  And even though she’s using the guise of extended maternity leave (for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify) to avoid the duchess downer events like the tenth anniversary 7/7 Memorial honoring the 52 victims of the London bombings, her habitual hand-picking of events has irreparably damaged her reputation to the point even once-supporters are writing her off as hopelessly lazy.

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Judging by the overall tone of Daily Mail comments, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are probably one holiday away from royally waving at a torch and pitchfork mob.

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In his July 13th first-day-playing pilot interview, Prince William noted, “The Queen is still very active and is still showing incredible leadership. My father is doing many, many engagements, as are the rest of the family, and so there’s a lot being done by the Royal family around the country. I hope to still be a part of that, and do as much as I can, but equally do something which I think is incredibly important and [will] prove me in good stead for the future.”

A lot is being done by the rest of the Royal Family, but just how realistic is the plan for them to continue to pick up the rest of the slack?  According to The British Monarchy’s official website, there are eighteen official members of the Current Royal Family.  I have listed the age next to each:

The Queen – 89

The Duke of Edinburgh -94

The Prince of Wales – 66

The Duchess of Cornwall – 68

The Duke of Cambridge – 33

The Duchess of Cambridge – 33

Prince Harry – 30

The Duke of York – 55

The Earl of Wessex – 51

The Countess of Wessex – 50

The Princess Royal – 64

The Duke of Gloucester – 70

The Duchess of Gloucester – 69

The Duke of Kent – 79

The Duchess of Kent – 82

Princess Alexandra – 78

Prince Michael of Kent – 73

Princess Michael of Kent – 70

The average age of the current British Royal Family is 64 with 65% of the royals past the once default retirement age of 65.

In 2014, only 8% of royal engagements were undertaken by Prince William, Kate Middleton and Prince Harry, which means 92% of royal responsibilities fell to other members of the Royal Family, the average age of whom is 70.5 years old without its three youngest “working” royals.  With Prince William playing pilot, Kate Middleton on extended maternity leave and Prince Harry currently in Africa working on wildlife conservation, the bulk of the responsibilities for 2015 once again fall to the remaining fifteen current members whose average age is 70.5.

In the UK, the average life expectancy is 79 for men and 83 for women.  Is picking up the slack for Prince William and his wife really how his relatives should be spending the last years of their lives?  The Queen at 89 has lived 6 years past the national life expectancy and there’s no guarantee that at 66, Prince Charles will also enjoy the same kind of longevity.

In the July 13th interview, Prince William defended his decision to play pilot with the statement, “The term, ‘full-time royal role’ is bandied around quite a lot, and no-one actually really knows what that means…”

The only people who don’t seem to know what it means to be full-time royals are William and Kate who have never even attempted to give it a go.  At the age of 33, William is a part-time prince and Kate is an occasional duchess, both are relying on the elderly to do their jobs for them.

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The Middletons Take Mustique

After three events on Monday for which child-scarer Kate Middleton looked like a Clueless Miss Geist, the duchess became a self-fulfilling punchline when she jetted off to Mustique on Thursday with Prince William, Prince George, her mother, father, sister and brother and several Royal Protection Officers.

Despite being ‘too pregnant’ to join Prince William on a tour of China and Japan, Kate is apparently just pregnant enough for the nine hour flight to her favorite Caribbean destination.  No Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum to spoil the Caribbean Queen’s third trimester two week getaway with the Middletons, which is fortunate, had Kate’s pregnancy really been a difficult one and not just billed so to get out of duties, there might be concern that the future fourth-in-line to the throne was several islands away from the most basic of hospital care.

The trip is ostensibly to celebrate Middleton Matriarch Carole’s 60th birthday which apparently the Doolittles were unable to do when they spent this past weekend with Kate’s parents at Bucklebury or during the two weeks or so that the Middleton family spent at Anmer Hall around the Christmas holidays.

Surely this birthday celebration for Carole has been in the works for a while and yet Prince William still opted to forego Christmas Day with his grandmother, preferring to spend it instead with Carole and the rest of the Middleton clan in a mansion gifted to him by Her Majesty.  Apparently with the short deck Prince William seems to be playing with these days, Carole trumps the Queen.  With Carole Middleton seemingly always getting top priority, isn’t every day Carole’s birthday?

But this Mustique trip had to have an official reason to make it slightly more palpable to the press, after all, Prince William has been doing very few official engagements while supposedly training to be an air ambulance pilot, Kate just took several weeks off around Christmas from all that nothing she does, and they couldn’t call it a Babymoon because they just had one of those in November, nor could it be a second honeymoon because they just had one of those ten months ago in the Maldives… so Carole’s birthday celebration it is.

While this is a private Middleton getaway, unfortunately it still comes with a hefty price tag for taxpayers who foot the bill for security and any additional staff the couple brings, such as the nanny.  These costs include round-trip business class tickets, luxury resort lodging, per diem and overtime.  While RPO numbers are never released for “security” reasons, I estimate a dozen Royal Protection Officers were brought along to Mustique to guard the villa, The Heir-To-The-Heir, The Heir-To-The-Heir-To-The-Heir and The Hair.  Despite taxpayer financial contributions to this trip, it’s doubtful taxpayers will even get to see pictures from this latest holiday.  In the past, other guests on Mustique have complained about royal security restricting movement on the island, taking away their cell phones and even questioning them before allowing them on the beach (which makes the 2013 babymoon pics even more curious, with many believing Carole was somehow involved).  But, who knows, maybe Prince William will spring for some “Kate and Wills Blew My Tax Money on Another Holiday and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” souvenirs.  Or maybe Prince William prefers the more classic “I’m With Stupid” design. redheart

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Two New Coats Kate

Back from her Balmoral Babymoon and recovering nicely from Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a convenient prenatal condition that effects only the Kate Middleton of the population, the Duchess of Cambridge stepped out for three events over the weekend in brand new attire.  While Hyperemesis Gravidarum leaves sufferers exhausted and dehydrated from chronic vomiting, Fake Hyperemesis Gravidarum leaves duchesses with plenty of time to amass a whole new wardrobe.

For her visit to the Valero Pembroke Refinery and a Rugby Union international match on Saturday, Kate Middleton donned a Matthew Williamson coat with unfortunately placed buttons.  The silver circular buttons line up exactly with Kate’s unevenly matched set of baby feeders, with buttons serving as areola armor, this pale blue frock shall be referred to as the Nipple Button Coat.  One wonders if the designer customized nipple button placement for Kate so they corresponded to her left nipple being higher than the right or if the asymmetrical nipple shields spoke to Kate on a subconscious level.

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The Nipple Button Coat joins Kate’s extensive collection of blue outerwear.

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For Remembrance Day, Kate appeared appropriately somber for the occasion for the most part.  Possibly because she was mourning showing up in a nearly identical Alexander McQueen coat as Sophie, Countess of Wessex.  It’s been said that seeing another woman wearing clothing she owns deeply upsets Kate so this McQueen double-take might have been why Kate’s demeanor was more appropriate than usual for the occasion.

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Regretfully for my city,  it’s being reported that Kate will be joining her husband for a three day trip to NYC in December which is the city’s busiest month for tourism.  Kate is reportedly “very excited” because she’s always wanted to see New York City, so no surprise this trip has been planned for the best month to visit NYC.  Likely they will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria where the tiniest single goes for $1,000 a night in the month of December.  Fortunately for the Cambridges, cost shouldn’t be a factor since it’s a “working” visit for Prince William’s charity United for Wildlife and will therefore be covered by UK taxpayers or the charity or some other foundation that raises money for people who raise money…  I’m not familiar with the charity, but I assume it’s where a bunch of hunters gather to pretend to care about animals before going on holiday shoots on their familial estates.

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Daily Mail Reporter Might Be Hearing Voices

On September 1st, The Daily Mail Online ran an article proclaiming Malta giddy with anticipation over Kate Middleton’s scheduled two-day tour on the 20th and 21st of September.

The reporter, Harry Mount, declared, “Already the island has gone Kate-crazy.  People could talk of little else as I traveled around Malta and its neighbour, Gaza.”

I found that Daily Mail claim interesting because the majority of the comments I’ve heard from Malta residents about Kate’s upcoming tour fell somewhere on the spectrum between indifferent and annoyed.  Which honestly makes sense, Malta is celebrating 50 years of independence, why would they be particularly excited about honoring a representative of a monarchy from which they fought to sever ties?  Sure, Queen Elizabeth II is a respected international figure and had some happy WWII marriage memories there, but perhaps instead of her sending a woman with a track record of flashing her lady parts on foreign soil, Her Majesty could send Malta an Edible Arrangements Fruit Bouquet with a card that reads something like, “Congrats on cutting ties with us!  I keep trying to “accidentally” lose certain members of my family on hunts, you really must share your secret on how you successfully got rid of us, the skinny fidgety commoner has worked my last nerve.”  I’m sure the Maltese would appreciate the basket more, especially if Queen Elizabeth springs for the kind that has the fruit dipped in chocolate.  Some of the containers they come in are really cute, too.

So where is all this supposed excited buzz about Kate’s visit that the Daily Mail is reporting on?  Is the article some overly zealous Buckingham Palace PR Piece dutifully printed by the UK’s not-so-free-press or are Daily Mail reporters now starting to hear voices?

It turns out, Malta is equally mystified over the Daily Mail’s allegations of the island going Kate-crazy.  The Times of Malta took to the streets in search of the reported excitement over the Duchess’ visit and unable to find it, concluded, “the reporter might have been a tad overzealous in his assessment…”

While the Daily Mail at best fibbed again about Kate’s alleged popularity, I do know some people who would be excited to see her, her charities: Action on Addiction, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, The Art Room, The National Portrait Gallery, Place2Be, SportsAid and The Natural History Museum.  In terms of the charities the press claims are so near and dear to her heart, this year the Duchess of Doolittle has only bothered showing up to an M-Pact event, that laughably “secret charity visit” to EACH “leaked” in June that happened to be captured by AP photographers, and the two photo op events back in February at the National Portrait Gallery and the Art Room.

Here’s a zany idea, but if Kate did actually try to make a positive impact in the world, more people would be genuinely excited about seeing her so the Daily Mail wouldn’t potentially be forced to spin fictional fanfare.

Because of Kate Middleton’s seemingly pathological laziness, the PR puffery currently being employed as a counter-measure only sets her up for a bigger fall.  If Kate’s presence doesn’t attract crowds from what appears to be a fictitious  Maltese fan base, Kate will be declared incompetent of even being able to manage a short little two-day tour on her own.  Such a failure would be an even bigger story for the papers.  If by some combination of animatronics, Special FX and genie wishes Kate actually manages to pull off serving as a suitable representative for her country, with all the pre-hype, it will be generally assumed her success was due to her international celebrity that had Malta “Kate-crazy” for weeks, thus requiring no real effort on her part.  Ultimately, the only real winner is the press, with the possible exception of the reporter, Harry Mount, if he really thinks he did hear excited Kate-crazy chatter in Malta.  If that’s the case, I wish him all the best on his road to recovery.

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Seven Kitchens Kate

Okay, I’m a bit confused.  Which admittedly happens quite a bit, but usually not with basic math.  When Kate Middleton and Prince William moved into Kensington Palace, Apartment 1A had three kitchens, two of which were staff kitchens, with a family kitchen on the ground floor.  Kate added a second private kitchen for Cambridge-use-only, which means they’ve now got four kitchens.  Three plus one equals four.  So why is the press taking jabs at Kate by referring to her as Two Kitchens Kate?

Maybe the press doesn’t count the two staff kitchens, used by their staff of over twenty?  The twenty-plus staff who were moved into newly refurbished offices at Kensington Palace, the cost of which remains undisclosed but still paid for by the taxpayer.  The twenty-plus staff that the press conveniently glosses over because Kate is just so much like us.  I keep my staff of twenty plus in the castle I had been using for sweater storage because my flying monkeys kept getting tangled up in their hair.

So really Kensington Palace has four kitchens unless of course Kate sealed off the two staff kitchens, perhaps thinking that commoners are like cats, once you feed them, they keep coming back.  Let them eat cake, just elsewhere please.

There are also two staff kitchens at Anmer Hall, one for the guards and another in the nanny’s quarters in addition to the existing $65,000 family kitchen there they are ripping up.  The new kitchen will have an air purifying refrigerator with NASA-designed technology which runs $25,000 a pop, an oven that costs a cool $13,600, a $6,800 sink and tons of pricy gadgets like the Tubie which is a hands-free machine that dries and irons clothing in minutes and will undoubtedly freak out Lupo.

Snow White had seven dwarfs, Waity has seven kitchens.  This modern fairytale sucks, I don’t think even Disney could make it endearing, there are just far too many characters walking around with poisoned produce.

Despite Kate having a kitchen for every day of the week, the press is sticking with the moniker Two Kitchens Kate.  And as Waity Katie knows, once the media latches on to a nickname it sticks.  With all the public grumblings and turning tides, Kate should be working her ass off.  There was a flicker of hope there for a second a couple of weeks ago but Kate probably spied an LK Bennett sale happening on the path of least resistance, decided the whole effort thing blows and had her assistant call for one of the Bentleys.

Instead of proving herself to be more than a pampered pet, Kate’s July calendar has remained clear following her July 1st engagement, save for the awkward unofficial Wimbledon appearances where her clapping looked like a PSA for helmet safety and the exhausting Tour de France ribbon cutting on July 5th shown in this screen grab:   

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Ribbon cutting isn’t neurosurgery so I’m not sure why she required a two-prince-assist.  It is kind of cool though that there are photos for the history books of the precise moment the British Royal Family jumped the shark.

Kate will be attending the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow on July 28th and 29th, so until then Kate will be doing whatever it is Kate does while the nanny and various taxpayer-funded household staff take care of Kate’s so-called hands-on duties as mother and homemaker.  My theory has been that Prince William has a laser pointer and Kate runs around trying to catch the red dot but I’m sure she watches television too and probably plays with balls of yarn.

In order to restore Kate’s image following the recent unflattering press, there appears to be an attempt to refocus attention on Kate as a mother complete with golden halo and harp music.  There are quite a few stories about how Prince George cried through his breastfeeding stage, not sleeping through the night until the beginning of this year when solid food was introduced into his diet.  If the story was intended to garner sympathy, I admit I do feel bad that seventy-one year old Nanny Webb had to go through all that.  I’m not so sure the story did much to bolster Kate’s reputation.  The problem with obvious PR moves is people aren’t a fan of the obvious.  Deception is far more palpable if it has at least some entertainment value.  I will forgive a lie much more easily if it involves a dance number, train hoppin’ hobos and a monkey.

Babies are a PR goldmine, normally the public will forgive even the most egregious behavior with just a hint of a new bundle of joy.  In previous posts, I predicted Kate would try to line up getting pregnant with the spare to coincide with the Royal Household Annual Accounts reports released at the end of June.  Well, it’s being reported that Jessica Hay, a former school friend of Kate’s, has confirmed Kate is pregnant.  Pregnancy rumors are nothing new for the Duchess of Doolittle except this is the same former friend who accurately reported Kate was pregnant the first time around so it has some credibility.  While it could just be a planted rumor Kate tried to make seem more believable by giving her stomach what appeared to be a pregnancy pat at the Tour de France event, Kate’s face does seem like it’s either retaining fluids or dermal fillers.

Regardless, the spare is inevitable.  A second will give Kate a nice nine month break before a year of maternity leave, plus however many years she can pull off saying that her family is her first priority and the reason she can’t do more engagements.  I have the highest respect for mothers but when Kate married Prince William, she took a duchess title that came with duties.  She said, “I do”, not only to a man, but to a commonwealth as well.  Kate is provided with an extensive staff to be able to perform the duties expected of her, funded by taxpayers.  If Kate wishes to live the lifestyle of a private citizen, she should do so without the allocated resources of a fulltime working royal.

The more Kate and Prince William try to live as private public figures, the more they alienate those who fund their lifestyles.  Why should taxpayers pay an undisclosed sum somewhere in the millions of dollars for their annual security protection when the UK’s Laziest Royals put in so few official engagements, then complain about their lack of privacy as they wait to live in the secluded luxury of Anmer Hall, away from photographers and cell phone cameras?  In a curious move some speculated was part of Prince William’s broader campaign to control the media, the United for Wildlife charity cricket match on Monday was declared a private event, shutting out freelance photographers and attaching copyright terms to the released photos.  The couple is also reported to be asking for the airspace above Anmer Hall to be declared a no-fly zone, filing a claim that photos taken at the end of May were below the legally required 500 feet.  The CAA is still trying to determine if there’s enough evidence to even launch an investigation into their claim but have indicated that the rules were the same for royal residences as they were non-royal ones.  With all their privacy complaints and scheduled move to seclusion, it kind of sounds like they are on their way towards writing a 35,000 word manifesto about technology and freedom.  Hopefully the next Kate Effect doesn’t involve hoodies and aviator sunglasses.

Normally babies are a jackpot in terms of public perception but I doubt Kate’s second pregnancy will have a tremendous restorative impact on her image.  July could have marked a turning point on how Kate would be historically remembered, but she has instead chosen inaction as her course.  I really don’t think it matters what Kate Middleton does past this point or how many cute Prince Grumpy Cats she gives birth to, if she is called Waity Katie, Lazy Katie or Two Kitchens Kate, historically she is likely to be referred to as the woman who sank the British Monarchy.  I always hope for the best from people but I fear Kate truly may be hopeless.

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Peasantly Surprised

The Daily Mail ran a story on Friday with the info from the Royal Household Annual Accounts that’s had Palace aides popping Rennies for months. Renovations for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s Kensington Palace home have spiraled so far out of control, the blown budget has been spotted hanging out with Lindsay Lohan at Chiltern Firehouse.

Back in March, there was quite an uproar when news leaked that the budget footed by UK taxpayers for Apartment 1A had gone from the $1.8 million to $3.5 million and Kate wasn’t thrilled with the results.  Well, according to June’s Royal Household Annual Account, the grand total now is around $6,805,000, quadruple the original estimate.  Surprise!

In the olden days, a pitchfork and torch-wielding mob could gather to voice peasant displeasure, but very few people have pitchforks anymore and torches are just so cumbersome.   These days publicists fight the battles against the disenchanted and try to keep theoretical tea from being tossed into a harbor.

The Daily Mail reports that a spokesman for the couple claims because it was last renovated in 1963, a “significant amount of work had to be done to make it habitable again…   To put it in perspective, there wasn’t even any running water.”

Princess Margaret lived in the four story “apartment” until 1997 and of course we all remember the Queen’s sister in her sixties beating her laundry on rocks and carrying buckets full of water back from the Thames, sometimes running into Nellie Oleson who would show off a doll or a dress poor Princess Margaret couldn’t afford because money was tight on the prairie.  The 90s were a crazy, historically inaccurate decade.  Even though Buckingham Palace might want to portray Apartment 1A as having tumbleweeds blowing through the hallways, it wasn’t an abandoned ghost town.  The charity Historic Royal Palaces was operating out of the apartment, paying for necessary repairs and minor work for the space they were using out of their own pockets until they were given the boot to make way for the married couple.

Prince William and Kate were given several options for their home.  Kate was insistent on her own private garden which narrowed the possibilities.  Wills wanted to take his mother’s old apartment which had a private garden and would have required much less work, but it was reported that Kate was creeped out by the possibility of running into her late mother-in-law’s spirit.  Or at least ghost “wobblies” were said to be the reason Kate had to have Apartment 1A which was the biggest and grandest of all the possible residences available that weren’t once home to Princess Diana.  Personally, I think Prince Diana’s spirit is probably more creeped out by Kate.

Asbestos is being fingered as the cause of the Kensington Palace renovations costing millions of dollars.  Except the asbestos removal was covered by the original estimate.  Must be spooky mysteriously reappearing ghost asbestos, ghost asbestos giving Kate the wobblies.

If the original $1.8 million was to cover the “necessary renovations”, I guess the rest must have been for unnecessary renovations.  Perhaps it went towards platinum stripper poles and maybe a Starbuck’s and a Zara’s next to Kate’s private bathroom for when Kate’s far too tuckered to leave the Palace or has exceeded her monthly flashing limit?

$6,805,000 is a lot of money.  Okay, you can’t buy everyone in the world a Coke, a lot of people would have to share, but it is enough money to feed the severely malnourished children in London or save the lives of the thousands of UK citizens who will die this winter because they can’t afford to heat their homes.  It’s enough to help single mothers who are struggling to provide basic necessities for their children and a brighter future than cramped dilapidated housing.  $6.8 million is almost all that East Anglia’s Childrens Hospices needs to build a new hospital.  But having three state-of-the art kitchens in one home is super-important, too.

Not that the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle haven’t had to make sacrifices.  After all, they are expected to let other family members borrow the $13.6 million helicopter the Queen is leasing for them in helicopter emergencies when no other helicopter is available.  A new helicopter makes sense though, how else would they get to their country estate, Anmer Hall?  Driving’s for peasants.  So is paying for the Cambridge’s extravagant lifestyles.

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Kate Middleton’s Ass-travaganza

Kate Middleton’s bare ass Blue Mountain photo that was up for auction has been officially published on Bild.  The photo wound up being purchased to the tune of $100,000 which is pretty steep for a pic of one ass, I wonder how much a Xerox copy of one goes for… I could probably run a few off of mine at Kinkos if there’s a market for that sort of thing.

The photo of Kate’s bare bum in Bild is not PhotoShop or some Chris Angel Mindfreak illusion, that’s really Kate Middleton’s ass.  Again.

The Bild article is in German and spotlights the rears of Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian, thanking the Ass Triumvirate for the “Ass-cool Weekend”.  Well, Kim sort of got her wish to spend part of her wedding weekend with the lost Kardashian sister, Kate, even if it was virtually.  Someday maybe Kim can Take Kensington Palace for realsies.

German is a bit of a quirky language so to paraphrase the article, it basically says that that ‘Kim, Kate and Khloe made great temps even hotter with their eye-catching photos, pics that were ass-cool.  On Sunday, photos popped up showing our favorite Duchess Kate (32) in the Australian Blue Mountains.  Rotary blades from the royal helicopter created such an air disturbance that Kate’s little summer dress blew up, giving a full view of her gorgeous booty.  Never before has wind from a helicopter made us so grateful.’  And then the article went on to discuss the second ass-cool moment of the weekend, featuring more voluminous behinds of Kim and Khloe.

That’s my translation, though.  To be honest, at first I thought the article on Pope Francis said he was a cat.

There’s no word from the Palace, but most likely Prince George made this face:

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It’s a safe bet, that’s kind of his thing.

No one from the British press dared to publish Kate’s bare bum photo.  But, as many commenters noted, it was an easy enough find.

Quite a few articles made sure to note past legal consequences of displeasing Prince William.  The Mirror pointed out, “Kate and William have faced frequent battles to protect their privacy and modesty by preventing the publication of photographs.”  And Huffington Post UK, in addition to crediting the dress’ designer Diane Von Furstenburg for snapping the photo, also mentioned the lawsuit against the French Magazine that published the infamous balcony pics.  The article made sure to remind readers that those pics were akin to the “worst excesses of the paparazzi during Diana’s life.”

Wow, did the press just pull the Princess Diana Card?  It’s impressive they were able to work the tragic death of Princess Diana into this story, it’s kind of like mixing an Uno deck of cards with a Poker deck.  This was a public event to which the press was invited.  The woman who took this picture according to some reports was not even a professional photographer.  Regardless, Kate is a serial offender with the bare bum flash, she’s aware of the existence of windy conditions around aircrafts.  She’s had three aircraft related wardrobe malfunctions since becoming a duchess, plus her husband is a helicopter pilot, her grandfather flew planes, and Kate’s even admitted, “I’ve had a few lessons on a fixed wing.”

I think the real embarrassment isn’t the photo itself, it’s that a thirty-two year old duchess, mother and wife keeps publically exposing herself.  Kate should be arrested for indecent exposure, why isn’t that happening?  Or is that where she’s been this past month, in the Big House?  And no, not one of the ones she’s spent millions of dollars redecorating.

The Royal Family should really think where they want to point fingers with this one.  It’s not like the wind was buried under sand breathing through a straw for days as it lay in wait for the Duchess.  The wind did not jump Kate right before she emerged from the helicopter stealing her panties and hem weights.  If we really want to start blaming natural forces, the sun helped illuminate the nefarious actions of the wind so clearly it should also be tried as a co-conspirator.  And if it weren’t for gravity, the camera that took the photo would be floating in space.  While they’re at it, maybe they should sue high tide too, even though it had no direct hand in the wardrobe malfunction, it always seems just a little too smug if you know what I mean.

Given that no laws were broken, I think Prince William should cool it if he’s entertaining any thoughts of huffing and puffing with the help of royal lawyers to control Lazy Duo press.  One public figure not too long ago kept threatening to sue everyone who published photos of which she didn’t approve and that didn’t work out so great.

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Although now I kinda do want Prince William to Tweet that he wants Drake to murder his vagina.

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Where’s Kate Excuse List

Congratulations, Kate Middleton.  You actually might be the most ridiculous human being on a planet that includes Kayne West and every single girl on I Wanna Marry Harry.

Despite Ralph Lauren’s obligatory PR statement reassuring the press that he was not upset over Kate Middleton’s no-show at his charity event last week, the story just isn’t going away.  Really, the last person in the world you want to piss off is a fashion designer because fashion designers are constantly surrounded by women who haven’t had a carb since hitting puberty so they have to be able to assert their dominance amongst the models, sort of like a lion in a pride.  Seriously, Google “Lion Fight Video”, that is more or less what Fashion Week looks like behind the scenes.

Apparently, the excuse William offered of Kate being home with George didn’t really fly because they’ve got a full-time nanny and the headless can’t jump to her defense because of the whole lack-of-head thing.  If Kate’s pregnant, it’s only been for a few days so Buckingham Palace can’t claim she’s suffering severe morning sickness.  And the whole divide and conquer explanation is inherently flawed if only one half of the divided whole actually does anything.

An article on express.co.uk suggests Kate’s been nowhere to be found because she’s been redecorating the couple’s country estate, Anmer Hall.  Except the article is really recycling pre-Vacation Tour news, citing a Turkish kilm purchase that was made in January and a March trip to Design Centre in Chelsea Harbour.   Even if the article isn’t a testing-the-waters piece of royal propaganda, it’s hardly a scoop when you’re digging through archives to support your claims.  And really, if you’re going to recycle past news as present, why not use a bigger story like the royal wedding that’s just happening now three years ago?  I don’t doubt she’s still focused on redecorating, but she’s already spent months shopping and working on Anmer Hall, offering this as an excuse as to where she’s been is ridiculous.

Here’s the thing.  If Kate actually did some work every now and then, she wouldn’t have to have people constantly trying to justify her lazy ways.  The bar is set so low right now, Kate could tell Pippa she really enjoyed reading her Telegraph column and that would count as charity work.

I sort of feel bad for the people who have to cover for Kate.  Not her husband of course who is enabling her, but the people in the press office who imagined their job would be a nice little cushy gig writing about corgis and tea.  In PR, you have to spin quite a bit of fiction, but I imagine the Buckingham Palace Press Office is getting dizzy from trying to make Kate look believable as a human being.  They’ve already exhausted all their go-to excuses so I came up with a Where’s Kate Excuse List they can chose from for the next time Kate insults someone with her lack of interest in pretending to care.

redheartbulletpoint Prince George had his mum swapped out with her Madame Tussauds wax statue as part of an elaborate April Fools joke but no one has noticed yet including Kate.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is really Banksy.

redheartbulletpoint Kate’s still checking local shops looking for the latest Fabergé eggs.

redheartbulletpoint She made a wrong turn at a portal and now she’s inside John Malkovich’s mind.

redheartbulletpoint Because of the discovery of Kepler-186F, Kate’s hard at work learning Klingon.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is filling in for the Grim Reaper who is on holiday because she’s the only one who can fit into the outfit.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is trapped inside an imaginary mime box that locks from the outside.

redheartbulletpoint She just realized Prince George’s nanny looks like Mrs. Baylock from The Omen and is sitting in her closet, refusing to go near windows.

redheartbulletpoint Kate’s working on a theory that cold fusion is possible if you add ice.

redheartbulletpoint Prince Harry was joking around playing “I’ve got your nose” with Prince George and now she’s super freaked out and still looking for it.

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