Tag Archives: Kate Middleton Wardrobe Malfunctions

William and Kate’s Five Year Anniversary

Five years ago, Kate Middleton entered Westminster Abbey and emerged Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn and Lady Carrickfergus.  After a near decade-long wait to become Mrs. Prince William, the woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness and the Royal Doormat was repackaged as a perfect fairytale princess.

The royal love story was respun to sound a bit less stalkery.  In “Kate, The Future Queen”, Katie Nicholls revealed that in order to increase her chances of becoming Mrs. Prince William, the Edinburgh-bound Kate decided to take a gap year and applied to be in Prince William’s class at St. Andrews.  William and Kate’s first meeting wasn’t even at St. Andrews, in the summer 1999 they were introduced by Emilia d’Erlanger at “Club H” at Highgrove, but Kate failed to make an impression on William.  Three years later, a sheer dress Kate wore at a charity fashion show finally did the trick.

In their eight years of dating before the engagement announcement,  Kate reportedly found herself cast aside for Jecca Craig at William’s 21st birthday party, in 2004 before exams, Kate was dumped for “more space” which then took the form of Jecca Craig, in 2005 Kate was briefly replaced by Isabella Calthorpe who decided the princess life wasn’t for her, and in April 2007 William broke up with Kate for a couple of months, infamously jumping up on a table after dumping her via cell phone, shouting, “I’m free!”  And yet, Kate still wanted to marry Prince William.

Kate’s wedding prep focused on the physical.  In addition to having her teeth fixed and extensive beauty treatments, Kate lost so much weight that at an engagement in Ireland before the wedding, a woman expressed concern Kate was becoming too thin.  Kate replied,  “It’s all part of the plan!”  The Palace Press Office tried to keep Kate’s comment contained, noting, “It’s a hugely private matter.”  It’s too bad Kate’s plan didn’t also include preparing for her new duties.

By all accounts, Kate was calm and composed before the wedding.  According to Marina Sandoval who did Kate’s manicure for the wedding, “She didn’t display an ounce of nerves.  She was just happy that the day was here at last.”  Her hair stylist Richard Ward noted, “She has been remarkably relaxed from the start… Everyone else was nervous, but not Kate. She just took it all in her stride and was calming everyone else down.”

There were no pre-wedding jitters or obvious nerves getting married in front of 1,900 guests and millions watching around the world.  Waity Katie who had been dubbed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough appeared triumphant about waitying no more.

Kate wore a classically pretty but somewhat underwhelming wedding dress by Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen, her wedding veil was so flat, it looked like she was wearing a stocking over her face to knock over a liquor store and the makeup which Kate did herself reminded me of the similarly heavy-handed application of a transvestite hooker who once told me that my outfit was fierce.

The 20 foot maple trees that decorated Westminster Abbey in hindsight feel like a prelude to the massive amount of privacy trees planted at Anmer Hall but at the time they just seemed ridiculous.  Kate filled the abbey with British flora, her Language of Flowers vision reportedly cost £50,000.

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When Kate said “I do”, she became an official representative of the UK and the monarchy, a job she appears to have had no intention of doing.

In the engagement interview, Kate stated, “I’m willing to learn quickly and work hard,” and yet in her five years since becoming a duchess, Kate has only delivered 8 short shaky speeches, gone on four royal tours and has undertaken a combined 390 engagements to date, a grand total for five years on par with what the 90-year-old Queen averages in one year (in 2014, the Queen undertook 393 engagements).

Ahead of the five year royal wedding anniversary, Ingrid Seward, editor-in-chief of Majesty magazine suggested that Kate’s dismal efforts are born from a fear she’s going to screw up royally.  Seward who must be suffering from amnesia noted, “She hasn’t made any mistakes, which is extraordinary when you think of how difficult it is for her.  I suppose the only mistake she’s made is that she’s probably seen not always as particularly interesting but I think she’s absolutely terrified of not doing it right.”

Really, Kate’s only short-coming is that she’s dull?  Just off the top of my head, Kate’s event totals are so dismally low, last year she only accounted for 1.66% of the royal family’s workload.  She’s been criticized for frequent luxury holidays, selecting more glamorous events like film premieres, Wimbledon, galas, wine tastings and ignoring ones that don’t seem to interest her, like those involving her charities that aren’t connected to Ben Ainslie.  Kate’s Received Pronunciation affectation has inhibited her ability to deliver the few brief speeches she’s attempted, causing her to mispronounce the name of the charity in one and struggle with words like “palliative” in others.  The occasional comments she makes at events lack substance but still are dutifully reported by the press because she offers nothing else of substance.  Actual Kate official event quotes include: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”; “It’s very shiny.”; “Oh it’s actually not bad if you were desperately hungry.”; “I like your hair.”; “I like your nails.”; “No! Oh no, is that me? Is that meant to be me?  Does my hair really look like that!” (in response to a doll a girl was holding); “Oh, I know now who you are.  Although it’s very strange… now you have got facial hair.  Some of the people who had facial hair in the film don’t have facial hair now.” (in speaking to actor Tom Hiddleston); and most recently, when told of street children being mutilated to make money begging, she responded, “Gosh, so interesting.”

In her five years since joining the royal family, Kate has offended many by smiling, laughing, and playing with her hair during balcony appearances on Remembrance Sunday, sparking outrage in 2013 as she dreamily gazed off in the distance while twirling her hair during the solemn event.  Kate being a professed hands-on mother has been offered as the reason Kate puts in the fewest event totals each year in the British Royal Family and yet Prince George is most frequently papped with his nanny.  When George was seven months old, Kate had no trouble leaving him behind while she took a Maldives escape (her second luxury holiday in two months) with Prince William while her mother oversaw the shift in his care from Nanny Jessie Webb to Nanny Maria.  During the Cambridge’s controversial family ski get-away earlier this year, both Prince George and Princess Charlotte were left to the care of nannies while Kate and William took to the slopes because their children are obviously too young to ski yet.  Five years into being a duchess and Kate has had wardrobe malfunctions in the double digits and the Royal Flasher still has yet to undertake one single official tour without exposing herself while acting as an official representative of the United Kingdom and the British Monarchy.  That doesn’t sound like the actions of a “terrified” Kate.

As it turns out, there was another wardrobe malfunction in India on the final day of the royal tour.  My brain was frozen over with boredom by then and I missed it, so this is brought to you by royal watcher, Julie RocketQueen.  Apparently when Kate and William were recreating the iconic Princess Diana photo at the Taj Mahal, Kate flashed her undies.

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Kate’s panties were white with a four-petal flower design.  My apologies for the pixelation, but I don’t feel like hunting down a high resolution image since the pattern of the panties is visible in this pic, the flower’s outline appears to be dark blue with marigold centers.

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So maybe this second wardrobe malfunction is actually encouraging.  After five years of duchessing, the future Queen Consort is now finally wearing underwear.

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Kate Middleton, Serial Tour Flasher

Prince William and Kate Middleton will be departing on Saturday night for their royal tour of India and Bhutan and will arrive on Sunday Morning, a little before 11am.

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There was a handy little guide on Twitter with the time differences broken down:

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This will be Kate’s fourth official royal tour since joining the Firm five years ago.  Kate’s first foreign solo tour to Malta was canceled in September 2014 because of Kate’s special brand of Hyperemesis Gravidarum and the brief December 2014 trip to New York City wasn’t considered an official tour.  To date, Kate has yet to officially represent the UK on tour without having a major wardrobe malfunction.

This post will be dedicated to Kate’s biggest international flashing incidents.  For all who do not want to see Kate exposed, please abandon blog.  Even if you think you can get through this without hearing the lambs scream, you might want to get a set of pearls to clutch just in case.

Kate’s long history of premarital flashing has been well-established.  At Marlborough, Kate was known as Kate Middlebum for pulling down her pants to moon boys in a bid to become more popular.  During the Waitying Years, she continued to hone her exhibitionist streak to the point it was common knowledge that she did not wax or shave her bikini area.

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Since marriage, Kate has been protected as a member of the royal family by the UK press.  Some of Kate’s lesser so-called Marilyn Moments have been published with the far more revealing snaps never seeing the light of day in accordance with the gentleman’s agreement the press has with the British Royal Family.  Abroad, there is no such deal which is why when Kate leaves the UK, the public gets to see a side of Kinky Kate that gets buried by the antiquated practices of her own country.

Canada & US Tour- June-July 2011

Newly duchessed, Kate arrived on July 7th at the Calgary airport with her hubby of two and a half months, Prince William.   Kate’s lightweight primrose yellow Jenny Packham dress was no match for the strong gusts typically found around aircraft.  With her hem lifting, Kate reached instinctively to save her extensions and not her modesty.

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Kate met with a child, Diamond Marshall,  who had cancer and wanted to meet a “a real princess”.  To be fair to Diamond, her first choice was actually Aurora at Disneyland but Kate was going to be in the neighborhood so proximity played a factor there.  But Diamond did get to give Kate presents.

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Kate didn’t seem to mind who she flashed at the Calgary airport.

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Just as long as they were there to see it and they were men.  Oh, and that kid with cancer.

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South East Asia & South Pacific Tour – September 2012

The tour had some eyebrow raising fashion moments, like the golden embroidered Alexander McQueen dress  that showed a bit too much décolletage at the Malaysia State Dinner.

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Then there was the culturally insensitive knee-length Beulah London dress Kate wore to the Assyakirin Mosque which should have covered her legs in their entirety.

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To be fair, Kate seemed to be copying Princess Diana who wore a longer dress than Kate but also didn’t get it right.

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Minor points,though, since earlier that morning at breakfast William and Kate were informed that Kate had been photographed sunbathing topless during their pre-tour secret getaway to France for which they ditched the closing ceremonies of the Paralympics.

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Laurence Pieau’s defense of publishing the photos can be seen in a video contained in this Daily Mail article.  The editor notes, “I won’t hide the fact that there are far more intimate pictures that exist that we haven’t published and we won’t publish.”

On the way home from the nine day South East Asia & South Pacific Tour on September 19th, the Cambridges passed through Brisbane where Kate struggled with the lightweight floaty Project D Penelope dress.  The wind introduced itself to Kate as soon as she got off the plane to politely let her know it was there.

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The ensuing dress mayhem wasn’t a sudden windjacking, Kate was aware of the gusts, this wasn’t her first airport in a flimsy dress,  and yet not until the wind had already lifted her skirt to the sound of the approving shutter clicks from the photographers behind her that she attempted to make any real effort to keep her dress down.

At this point,  the back of the dress is up and yet her arms are still forward.

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Then Kate finally grabs the back of skirt to try to keep it down.

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That bit of white beneath the hem of the highest lifted part of her dress is the white thong Kate was wearing.  Strangely, after surviving one wave of the mothereffing Wind Apocalypse trying to tear her flimsy dress off her body while photographers snapped away, she started smiling and playing with the tie of her dress while the wind continued whip her dress around her legs like she was eight-years-old.

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Afterwards, Kate changed into jeans and a white top to continue the trip home.

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The damage, however, was done.  Several media outlets went with the headline “Royal Tour Ends on a Bum Note”.

Nine days later even more revealing topless and bottomless photos from France came out.  Rumors suggest that most intimate of photos were not published.  Nothing erases memories of a tour like seeing someone naked, even if it’s a bit blurry. and the tantalizing prospect of some true royal naughtiness emerging some day.

New Zealand & Australia Tour – April 2014

With articles proclaiming Kate’s wardrobe would be more duchessy, with longer hemlines and weighted skirts, mere seconds into the tour, Kate managed to flash the press while winds lifted up her red Catherine Walker coat and revealed a small pair of bunched up white knickers.  Royal watchers noted she still didn’t wax or shave.

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While at the Blue Mountains engagement, another flimsy floaty dress around a helicopter gave Kate a bum flash almost identical to the one she had at the Calgary Airport.   Local and amateur photographer, Diane Morel, took the photo which wound up in Bild and other outlets around the world.  But not in the UK because of the antiquated gentleman’s agreement that prohibits them from publishing embarrassing photos of their own royal family.

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Kate wasn’t done yet.  A few days later she hit the trifecta at Adelaide and gave the disadvantaged youth of Adelaide an eyeful of duchess boob.

Kate wore a low-cut Alexander McQueen peplum top with a light nude plunging padded push-up bra, the bottom of which can be seen in this photo.

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Kate did a lot of leaning over that day to talk to children and as part of the events.

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And apparently, Kate’s plunging padded push-up bra shifted around on her a bit.

But the crowd seemed enthusiastic.  Everyone thought it was going well.

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Well, a lot of the excitement was over the boys getting an eyeful of duchess boob.  At one point when she was seated, the boys were peaking down Kate’s plunging top, one kid there got a particularly sneaky shot of Kate’s bits with his camera phone and posted it on Facebook.  His Mom made him take it down and a local new station that wrote about it also quickly took their story down as well.  I guess they wanted to spare her the embarrassment not realizing Kate is a repeat offender.

Despite the time, money and great care that goes into planning these tours, each to date has been marred by at least one Kate wardrobe scandal, undoing in one snap all of the laborious logistical planning executed by the Cambridge’s extensive staff.  The last tour the public was promised a more regal modest duchess but even the best laid plans are no match for the flashing tendencies of Kate Middlebum.  She seems to be growing more prolific in her exhibitionist ways, so there’s no telling what the upcoming tour of India and Bhutan will hold.

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