Tag Archives: Lazy Katie

A Royal Work-Off

“I care desperately about what I do.  Do I know what product I’m selling?  No.  Do I know what I’m doing today?  No.  But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.”
-Hansel, Zoolander

What do you do when you’re a royally idle couple under fire for only undertaking three paltry official engagements apiece all year while soaking up all the royal perks?

You have a work-off.

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Both Prince William and Kate Middleton left Anmer’s Fortress of Solitude to prove to their critics they care about more than being really, really, ridiculously lazy.

Emily Andrews of The Sun added more fuel to the fire on Wednesday by revealing that not only did William take December off of air ambulance pilot duties, he’s only worked twelve shifts to date this year.  William decided to fight fire with fuel by showing up at EAAA on Wednesday and doing the regular bloke task of refueling the helicopter.  Photos by Geoff  Robinson in the Express reveal William struggling with his hose.  Is the future king secretly not an ambi-turner?

William'sHoseStruggles

William was probably a little overly ambitious in trying to look like he was just like everyone else.  Perhaps we should have given him the heads-up that even us regular folk don’t fill up our own helicopters, we let the heli fuel steward do it.   But it made for some memorable photographic moments.  You could practically hear Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go as William tugged on his hose.

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With William playing helicopter pilot, Kate went solo in Edinburgh.  She visited St. Catherine’s Primary School which participates in the Place2Be program and took part in an assembly sing-a-long of Welcome Everybody.

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From there, Kate went to look at the art created at Wester Hailes Education Centre’s The Art Room.  Then Kate traded in her court shoes for Asics, slipped into a Nike top and Monreal London Tuxedo track pants and participated in a tennis workshop conducted by the mother of her tennis crush, Andy Murray.  Or as Kate, seen here in a screen grab from stuff.co.nz  probably calls him, Plan B.

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Despite spending  over $300 on pricy track pants (£220), somewhere Betty White was wearing a tracksuit better.

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Kate was visibly excited about meeting Judy Murray.  The tennis pro’s Mum revealed to The Telegraph, “She was talking about at what age can a child hold a racquet. It’s about strength.  I was saying to her with children of George’s age you start with a balloon and the hand. It is about doing he right thing at the right time.  From a parents’ perspective she was very interested in how she could help her kids to develop the skills that you need to do sports because she enjoys sports so much.”  It’s  probably not a bad idea for Prince George and Princess Charlotte to explore other possible vocations since it seems unlikely the British Monarchy will survive their parents.

So who won this royal work-off?

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Certainly not the taxpayer.   And definitely not William.

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As a general rule, never go up against a woman nicknamed Commando Kate in an underwear challenge, she’ll pants you every time.

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The State of the Precious

One of the close-up photos of Princess Diana’s engagement ring taken during the 75th Anniversary of the RAF Air Cadets Kate attended has caused some concern among royal watchers that Princess Diana’s engagement ring might have been damaged by Kate or was perhaps a cheap knock-off.

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What looks like a tarnished silver band is nothing more than the effect of camera flashes bouncing off of the Welsh gold wedding band next to it.  There are pictures of Princess Diana wearing her engagement ring with the same bounced light effects.

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Princess Diana’s engagement ring is a 12 carat oval Ceylon sapphire surrounded by fourteen  diamonds set in 18kt white gold.  The then Lady Diana Spencer selected the ring in February 1981 from a tray with other sapphire rings from Garrard’s collection.  The ring was not unique and could be purchased by anyone with the £28,000 to spend on it.  As soon as the first photos were released, the 80s became plagued by cheap knock-offs.

Initially, the ring came with eight prongs, but by December 1981, six additional prongs were added to Princess Diana’s engagement ring.

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Princess Diana was reportedly concerned the sapphire would slip out of its original setting.  While I’m not a fan of the ring to begin with, the adding of prongs to me creates visual imbalance, especially since a couple of the added prongs were somewhat oddly angled. This imperfection in reinforcement, however, helps with gauging the authenticity of Diana’s engagement ring.

On the left is Diana’s engagement ring  on Princess Diana’s finger, on the right is the ring on Kate’s finger.  The prongs line up perfectly.

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If Kate wears a copy of Princess Diana’s engagement ring, it has been flawlessly executed.  While it’s not uncommon for some women to make copies  of their own jewels which have enormous financial, historical or sentimental value, having compared numerous photos of the ring on each wearer, I believe Kate has and wears the real deal.

In the engagement interview, Prince William confirmed, “It’s my mother’s engagement ring.  So I thought it was quite nice because obviously she’s not going to be around to share any of the fun and excitement of it all – this was my way of keeping her sort of close to it all.”

Reaction to Kate wearing Princess Diana’s engagement ring was mixed when the engagement was announced, many wondering why a future bride would even want to wear ring from such an unhappy union.  The ring is so closely identified with Princess Diana that almost five years into Kate’s marriage, it is still referred  to as Princess Diana’s ring.  By the way Kate seems to consciously keep her engagement ring displayed at events, it seems fairly safe to assume she is fine with  wearing a dated ring which seems incongruous to her individual style and personality.  But even if she wasn’t, changing the setting was likely not even an option for Kate who could have had a spectacular Art Deco-inspired setting made for the oval  sapphire.  Many women won’t wear engagement rings from marriages that ended in divorce but there are some who believe the “curse” or “bad energy” can be broken up by changing the setting.

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The sapphire and its diamonds could also be used in a setting such as this:

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The orientation of the stone could  also be switched with diamonds used  in the band, similar to this Jes MaHarry ring.  But had Kate dared to change the setting, she likely would have received a tremendous amount of backlash.

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Many people are superstitious about gems, including the British Royal Family which is apprehensive  about  using  rubies for engagement rings  because the stone is associated with a death and two divorces in the family.  No male heir to the British throne has ever worn the Koh-i-Noor diamond because of the gender-specific Hindu curse which is said to bring misfortune to any man who wears it.  But Prince William is either more sentimental or cheaper than he is superstitious and so the ring remains a symbol  of a doomed romance and a bright light tragically extinguished on the finger of a woman associated with Waityness and laziness.

Kate appears to take care of Princess Diana’s ring, heeding Prince William’s warning issued during the engagement interview, “If she loses it she’s in big trouble.”  Before her wedding, Kate had the ring resized because it became loose on her finger when she lost weight.  The eternity band she wears is rumored to be extra insurance against the ring slipping off.

Sapphires are a 9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale, second only to diamonds, so they are extremely difficult but not impossible to scratch.   The ring is 18kt so it is 75% gold mixed with other alloys.  White gold is typically coated with rhodium which wears down over time.  Many jewelers recommend bringing in engagement rings once a year to be professionally cleaned and checked since hand lotion, soaps, household cleaners and even a body’s natural oils can damage rings.  Given how Kate appears to avoid anything involving effort with a staff to handle the household tasks which can be the most damaging to rings, Princess Diana’s ring on Kate’s finger probably isn’t all that much different than if it were resting inside a vault.

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Kate Keen in McQueen

On Sunday February 7th, Kate Middleton finally reported for duty for 2016.

The event marked the 75th Anniversary of the RAF Air Cadets of which  she is now Honorary Air Commandant, an appointment she took over from Prince Philip in December.

Perhaps to prove she knew the  event was for some  kind of military-type flying thingy, Kate wore the Alexander McQueen coat in Military Blue she debuted on the 4th day of the New Zealand tour, the one that reminded me of a Pan Am coat from a time when flight attendants were called stewardesses.

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Kate’s dolly-curled hair was curiously longer than the three quarters of an inch it should have grown since her December chop.  Did Santa give someone shiny new hair extensions for Christmas?  Kate’s hair was so long in fact, it kept covering up the Dacre brooch which had  been awarded each year to the best female cadet and given to Kate to wear upon its retirement.  Now that the best female cadets receive the Dacre sword just like the male cadets, it was only fitting the brooch should be worn by a duchess who is the embodiment of a modern woman of the 19th century.

Kate on February 7th on left and on December 9th on right

Kate on February 7th on left and on December 9th on right

Kate’s hair wasn’t  the only sudden change, her skin seemed to have obtained a deepened glow since January 10th that one would not typically associate with British winters.  Of course,  between PhotoShop, lighting and equipment variables, such a comparison isn’t exactly conclusive evidence Kate was able to make a Caribbean escape, but Our Fair Waity does seem to be less fair in the photos the Daily Mail ran.

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Kate Middleton on February 7th on left and on January 10th on right

The most striking difference was Kate’s thick black magic marker eyebrows which to the casual observer might look like Kate confused a pencil case with a cosmetics case, but could also indicate Kate has been afflicted with Muppet Madness.

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Of course, with Kate being so keenly keen on keenness, she couldn’t wait to get to this year’s first event on February 7th and took the Queen’s helicopter from Anmer Hall for Sunday’s RAF Air Cadet event at a cost  the Daily Mail estimated to be £3,000 (around $4,318  USD) while the Queen traveled back to London the same day via train at a cost of £54.90 (around $79.03) for her first class ticket.

The Queen prefers trains to helicopters and I can see why she wouldn’t  want to helicopter-pool with Kate but this is one of those examples of the additional costs that came with the Anmer move.  By car, the trip would have taken Kate around  two hours and fifty minutes each way but if the Queen can take a train for an hour and forty-four minutes, then why can’t her grandson’s wife who is so keen on being a stay-at-home Mum?   Instead of a lazy duchess taking an environmentally unfriendly helicopter ride to the first official engagement she could be bothered with this year, perhaps that money could have been better applied to say the upkeep of those crumbling palaces and castles  which is supposed to come out of the Sovereign’s Grant.

If the so-called “thrifty duchess” didn’t want  to commute, she shouldn’t have moved out to the country. At this rate, the monarchy will fall into a state  of complete disrepair before the crumbling Buckingham Palace will.

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The Highs and Lows of Royal Expectations

It’s been 53 day since Kate Middleton last carried out an official engagement.  In the 28 days since the Duchess of Cambridge was spotted in pubic, there have been two Yeti sightings, the latest at the ski resort Formigal, making something that doesn’t exist a higher profile figure than an official representative of the United Kingdom and the British Royal Family.  Her first official engagement of the year is today, celebrating the 75th Anniversary of the RAF Air Cadets.

Meanwhile Kate not being seen on holiday with the Middletons in Mustique is so out of character, it’s become newsworthy, leading to all sorts of theories as to why the duchess who never turns down a get-away has skipped this latest opportunity to slather on the Coppertone.  The most popular theory is that Kate is pregnant again and concerned about the Zika virus spreading through the Caribbean.  The Zika virus is transmitted by mosquitos and poses the risk of microcephaly in babies if their mother was infected while pregnant or a month prior to conception.  A trip to Mustique requires changing planes in Barbados where there have been three confirmed cases.  While it’s not unusual for Kate to be MIA for long periods of time and in the past she’s skipped working in January altogether (in 2014, her first official engagement was on February 12th), her missing a Caribbean holiday is rather shocking.

Hello! has suggested the reason for Kate skipping Mustique this year has to do with Charlotte’s age and Prince William’s job at East Anglian Air Ambulence, forgetting they were the magazine that secured the exclusive photos of Kate taking six-month-old George to Mustique with the Middletons when Prince William was supposedly too busy to go because of the ten week agriculture course he was taking at Cambridge but still somehow made time to go boar-hunting in Spain with ex Jecca Craig and then take a romantic get-away with Kate to the Maldives before the course wrapped.

Despite the endless complaints about invasion of privacy by the press, the Cambridges have been able to sneak away for holidays under the radar in the past, so it’s possible Kate and William have been able to get in some frolicking in the surf or some time on the slopes.  But if Kate really did skip the Middleton Mustique holiday and has been around, the Cambridge’s Communications Secretary, Jason Knauf, has really dropped the ball.  This would have been a perfect time to have Kate papped doing one of those “secret charity visits” or engaging in one of those things on which she’s reportedly so “keen” because skipping a holiday and being shown working would have helped rehab Kate’s image in the minds of those who still believe she isn’t a lost cause.  Maybe there just aren’t enough left to make the ruse worth the effort.

Sometimes what someone doesn’t do can be more interesting than what they do and that certainly seems to be the case with Kate.   And let’s face it, not a lot is expected of royals to begin with.

At the age of eight-months-old, Princess Charlotte topped The Tatler List of The People Who Really Matter.  Now an older and wiser nine-months-old, Charlotte has had a Marc Jacobs lipstick named after her, currently sold exclusively at Harrods.  According to Catherine Gore, Vice President and General Manager of Marc Jacobs Beauty, the £24 lipstick was “inspired by the deepest saturated pink tones of an English rose”.

Le Marc Lip Crème in Charlotte posted on marcbeauty Instagram

Le Marc Lip Crème in Charlotte posted on marcbeauty Instagram

Unlike Butter London’s “No More Waity, Katie”, the sheer goopy glittery grayish lavender nail polish issued to commemorate the royal wedding that wound up primarily being used as pedicure polish by only the most loyal of Royalists, Marc Jacobs Beauty has a solid track record for consistently high quality products.  “Charlotte” is a gorgeous hue that will last longer on the lips than “No More Waity, Katie” lasted on fingertips.

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Le Marc Lip Crème lipsticks are made without parabens, sulfates or phthalates, are creamy as the name suggests, richly pigmented with some pretty impressive staying power (not the ten hours it boasts, but Marc Jacobs wouldn’t be the first man to exaggerate how long he can go).

“Charlotte” was specially created by Marc Jacobs with the little princess’ coloring in mind.  While there aren’t many pictures of Charlotte to go by, it looks like she’s got similar coloring to her Mum.  The product photo of the lipstick looks like it has blue undertones and would look best compliment skin with cool tones (if you’re not sure if you have warm or cool tones, check your wrist, if your veins are blue, you’re cool, if your veins are green, you’re warm).   Le Marc Lip Crème lipsticks are very opaque, the color in the tube is very close to what it will look like on your lips.  The color looks like a more muted and demure version of MAC’s “Rebel” lipstick which is one of my personal favorites and I would probably order this £24 lipstick if it weren’t for the £25 international shipping fee.  I object to shipping costs that are greater than the product price on principal.

Le Marc Lip Crème in "Charlotte"

Le Marc Lip Crème in “Charlotte”

Each of Le Marc Lip Crème Lipsticks are cosmetic homages to iconic women who have inspired Marc Jacobs in some way: “So Sofia” was named after Sofia Coppola, “Je T’aime” after actress/singer Jane Birkin, “Oh Miley!” after the wrecking ball hammer-licking singer and “Rei of Light” after fellow fashion designer Rei Kawakubo.

At 9-months-old, Charlotte is already a designer’s muse and is Tatler’s reigning queen bee which is rather surreal considering Charlotte has said nothing of inspiration because she can’t yet talk, nor has she achieved anything of great significance on her own merits because she’s still developing her motor skills and can’t yet walk.  Charlotte may grow up to have a powerful voice and change the world in positively profound ways but until she’s capable of reading the magazines proclaiming her more important than anyone else in the world and old enough to wear the makeup named in her honor, such accolades seem premature.  Being elevated  to such lofty heights simply for being royal sends a bad message to both Charlotte and her mother, who in five years since becoming a duchess and future queen consort has publicly uttered very few words and done very little, earning Kate the distinction of being the “UK’s Laziest Royal”.  With the future of the British monarchy in question, likely to end not with a bang but with a whinger, Charlotte will need to aspire to more than simply being royal.

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Kate May Have A Secret Bigger Than Victoria’s

I might owe Kate Middleton an apology.  While the Duchess of Cambridge has only carried out a padded 342 official engagements in her five years of duchessing and last year accounted  for a pitiful 1.66% of the British Royal Family’s workload, there may be a reason for it  other than Kate being the laziest woman  on the planet.  It’s possible Kate does engage in secret activities, just not the so-called covert charity visits her PR reps have laughably tried to convince  the world Kate undertakes.  No, the explanation might be far more believable.  It’s possible Kate Middleton IS Bigfoot.

A couple of years ago, I noticed that when Kate completely disappears for weeks, there tends to be a Bigfoot or Yeti sighting.  On April 1, 2014, I noted in Kate Doesn’t Mind the Gap, “This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sightings.”  On May 9, 2014 when Kate hadn’t been seen since the end of the New Zealand/Australia tour, I mused in Bigfoot Spotted on the Slopes, Still no Kate, “There’s been one major Bigfoot sighting filmed in Canada since Kate boarded the plane in Australia but no sightings of the duchess.”

Once again with Kate missing in action, the Daily Mail has reported that Yeti tracks have possibly been spotted in the Himalayas.

I’m not suggesting Kate is some kind of shape-shifter or even that Bigfoot/Yeti really exist.  BUT, where are these Bigfoot/Yeti sightings usually reported?  Snowy mountains.  We know Kate loves sneaking away for ski vacations with William and she’s been spotted more than once wearing fur.  Maybe when she’s off on ski holidays, she throws on some furs and trudges around a mountain top to give tin-foil hat wearers living in their parents’ basements something to excitedly chat about, other than the usual conspiracy theories that surround the British Royal Family.   Or maybe it’s less altruistic and William tells Kate to put on her furs because they are going to a very special sale at Zara’s by helicopter and then drops her off on a snowy mountain top hoping she’ll never find her way back.

It was one of the pics in this latest DM article that really cemented this theory for me.  Look at this picture and then try to tell me this isn’t the gait of a Middleton.

DMYetiPicSpooky, right?

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The Duchess Who Cried Keen

Despite a flurry of reports towards the end of 2015 that Kate Middleton is “keen to demonstrate an increased commitment to the charity sector” as the Daily Mail indicated, Kate has performed exactly 0 official engagements to date this year and hasn’t done an official engagement since December 16, 2015.  While the British Royal Family has padded Kate’s engagements in the past, the brief wreath laying on January 10th was not included in the Court Circular as an official event.

Since joining the British Royal Family five years ago, Kate  Middleton  has undertaken a grand total of  342 engagements.  In 2015, the Queen carried out 341 engagements.  So basically it takes a 34-year-old-duchess five years to rack up the  same number of events an 89-year-old-monarch knocks out in one year.

Duchessing comes with some pretty impressive job security.  With most jobs, if you don’t bother showing up for work for over a month, your framed pictures, plants and the marshmallow shooter  you got as a Secret Santa gift probably won’t still be on your desk whenever you  decide to make a  special guest appearance at your workplace.

With no Kate Middleton engagements to report on and space to fill, media outlets have been rehashing Joanne Froggatt’s appearance on Conan during which the actress revealed she had made an “accidental sex pun” to Kate Middleton when she visited the Downton Abbey set on March 12, 2015.  Joanne Froggatt recounted that Kate had said, “It feels strange. Being in your bedroom.”  to which the actress responded, “Yeah, not many people get to come in Lady Mary’s bedroom.”

Kate Middleton’s tour of the Downton Abbey set counted as one of her 62 engagements  in 2015.  When Kate “popped  in”, Downton Abbey was already shooting its final season so there really wasn’t much of a point to Kate’s visit other than getting to tour the set of one of her favorite shows.  It certainly didn’t seem to have any  effect on the  show’s ratings.   In fact, when the first episode of season six debuted in the UK on September 20, 2015, it was the lowest rated debut  in the series run with 7.6 million viewers tuned in, down from the previous year’s 8.43 million.  (Source: Deadline).  The US  season six  premiere on January 3rd drew 9.9 million viewers, down from the previous year’s 10.1  million. (Source:  Variety).

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And why would Kate’s visit have any effect?  Would anyone suddenly start watching the tail end of a show just because Kate Middleton walked around the set, saw costumes  being  made and watched a scene being shot?  Would mainstream critics suddenly be swayed by the show’s quality because a woman who waited  almost a decade for a man to marry her met the show’s cast?

Kate was positively beaming during the tour as photos featured in the Telegraph revealed, showing the kind of interest normally absent from events when she has to pretend to care about sick kids or art or being a representative of the UK:

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Eight days prior to Kate’s Downton Abbey visit, Sophie, Countess of Wessex toured the set with Angelica Rivera, the First Lady of Mexico.   Sophie’s hosting duties did not count as an official engagement and yet Kate’s did.

So not only did  Kate’s set tour count as work, her desire to visit the set  of one of her favorite shows  wound up  costing the taxpayer  quite a bit in undisclosed security costs.  As Joanne  Froggatt revealed on Conan,  “But — and obviously there’s a lot of security that comes with it as well. She’s royalty. The days before we have the police around, sniffing dogs. It feels like a huge event.”

Note that Joanne Froggatt indicated the days before.   Securing a set is a massive endeavor.  There are the cameras, audio equipment, lighting, monitors, the sets, prop storage rooms, hair and make-up departments, wardrobe for every character,  etc.  The  taxpayers footed the bill for days of security teams doing sweeps, bomb sniffing dogs, and most likely background checks by Scotland Yard on each and every cast and crew member affiliated with the show.

Joanne Froggatt may have made an  accidental sex pun  that day, but Kate managed to screw over the taxpayers twice.  And it looks like she’s starting this year off just like the others, with much ado about nothing.

At this point, Kate has cried “keen” far too many times.  If she ever does decide to do the job she accepted on April 29, 2011, no one will actually believe it.

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Balmoral Babymoon

After three whole events in recent weeks, Kate Middleton set off on a babymoon with Princes William and George at Balmoral.  While many are having a good laugh at Kate being in need of some R&R after three quicky appearances, the trip might have been a well thought-out counter-maneuver to neutralize the whisperings about the marriage of Prince William and Kate not meeting fairytale standards.  Rumors of Kate living with her Mum for the last several weeks could be ignored no longer when most major news outlets covered the story of Kate’s armed Royal Protection Officers swarming a family whose car broke down near Bucklebury, and even the most loyal of royalists started wondering if there’s a whole new generation of Warring Windsors.

Balmoral is an unusual place for Kate to pick for a babymoon which makes me think this has been more about managing public perception than it is a romantic getaway.  It’s an unseasonable time of year to visit an estate known for its outdoor activities.  For Kate’s babymoon, temps have been the 40s during the day, dipping down to the 20s at night with daily mixtures of rain and snow, a far cry from the Caribbean temperatures the Duchess enjoys.

Situated on 50,000 acres (roughly a tenth of the size of the state Rhode Island), Balmoral in November has some of the same kind of isolated charm that the hotel in The Shining possessed.  Like the fictional Stephen King hotel, Balmoral is said to be haunted by those who once served within its walls.  The most infamous of all specters is John Brown, servant and rumored lover of Queen Victoria.  In life, John Brown and Queen Victoria had adjoining rooms, in death Victoria was buried with a lock of his hair, his photo, and a ring that had belonged to his mother so most likely they were totally doing it.  Brown’s ghost is said to still be wandering the halls of Balmoral, clad in a kilt, and has reportedly been seen by many, including Queen Elizabeth II.  I wonder if it’s true what they say about what Scottish ghosts don’t wear beneath their ghost kilts.

While Kate is said to enjoy bloodsports like grouse hunting, how much would she really traipse around a Balmoral grouse moor in her jeggings and wedges being pelted by slush?  The closest shopping to Balmoral, not including the gift shop, is in the quaint Victorian town of Ballater where there are only a handful of shops and one hair salon, The Hair Loft, which specializes in perms and wedding up-dos.  Given the weather, outdoor activities for Prince George would be limited but there’s always cruising around the halls on a tricycle looking for some twins he can play with forever and ever and ever and an opportunity for Prince William to catch up on his typing.

So why Balmoral for the babymoon?  Well, the fairytale must look like its still intact but if Kate had escaped to the Caribbean with her husband after blowing off summertime duties then missed a couple of months of engagements because of hyperemesis gravidarum which many don’t believe she actually had, there would be a lot of backlash.  Plus island destinations require months of planning ahead of time to arrange security logistics, a babymoon to Balmoral can be thrown together spur-of-the-moment when marital discord rumors might need to be publicly squashed.  Balmoral is owned by the Queen so while taxpayers have to cover the cost of Royal Protection Officers’ travel to Balmoral, at least luxury hotel accommodations aren’t included in the getaway cost billed to the citizens of the UK.  Balmoral is very important to the Queen, by her offering up her beloved country estate to the couple, it also addresses the rumors that the Queen is fed up with Lazy Katie, believes her claims of hyperemesis gravidarum is just yet another excuse for Kate to avoid her duties and has ordered the duchess back to work.

Despite Kate living apart from Prince William during much of her first trimester, there seems to be an effort by the Palace to portray the couple as reunited and as happy as they’ve always been.  In addition to the sudden Balmoral babymoon, it’s been recently announced Kate and Prince William will be doing two joint-engagements at the Valero Pembroke Refinery and the Wales vs Australia Rugby Union match in Cardiff on Saturday.   And of course, there’s the hint of the couple taking a trip to New York together before they begin their winter holidays.  After all, if they are photographed together, then it’s easier to convince the public there’s nothing wrong, it’s totally natural a duchess would chose to live with her mother instead of her prince in a palace with a staff to take care of anything she could possibly want while being closer to the medical care she might need if she really had the illness she was probably faking.

They say marriage takes a lot of work, so maybe it shouldn’t be surprising Lazy Katie ditched the husband to go live with her Mum and why there appears to be some help from palace staff in maintaining the fairytale facade.

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Seven Kitchens Kate

Okay, I’m a bit confused.  Which admittedly happens quite a bit, but usually not with basic math.  When Kate Middleton and Prince William moved into Kensington Palace, Apartment 1A had three kitchens, two of which were staff kitchens, with a family kitchen on the ground floor.  Kate added a second private kitchen for Cambridge-use-only, which means they’ve now got four kitchens.  Three plus one equals four.  So why is the press taking jabs at Kate by referring to her as Two Kitchens Kate?

Maybe the press doesn’t count the two staff kitchens, used by their staff of over twenty?  The twenty-plus staff who were moved into newly refurbished offices at Kensington Palace, the cost of which remains undisclosed but still paid for by the taxpayer.  The twenty-plus staff that the press conveniently glosses over because Kate is just so much like us.  I keep my staff of twenty plus in the castle I had been using for sweater storage because my flying monkeys kept getting tangled up in their hair.

So really Kensington Palace has four kitchens unless of course Kate sealed off the two staff kitchens, perhaps thinking that commoners are like cats, once you feed them, they keep coming back.  Let them eat cake, just elsewhere please.

There are also two staff kitchens at Anmer Hall, one for the guards and another in the nanny’s quarters in addition to the existing $65,000 family kitchen there they are ripping up.  The new kitchen will have an air purifying refrigerator with NASA-designed technology which runs $25,000 a pop, an oven that costs a cool $13,600, a $6,800 sink and tons of pricy gadgets like the Tubie which is a hands-free machine that dries and irons clothing in minutes and will undoubtedly freak out Lupo.

Snow White had seven dwarfs, Waity has seven kitchens.  This modern fairytale sucks, I don’t think even Disney could make it endearing, there are just far too many characters walking around with poisoned produce.

Despite Kate having a kitchen for every day of the week, the press is sticking with the moniker Two Kitchens Kate.  And as Waity Katie knows, once the media latches on to a nickname it sticks.  With all the public grumblings and turning tides, Kate should be working her ass off.  There was a flicker of hope there for a second a couple of weeks ago but Kate probably spied an LK Bennett sale happening on the path of least resistance, decided the whole effort thing blows and had her assistant call for one of the Bentleys.

Instead of proving herself to be more than a pampered pet, Kate’s July calendar has remained clear following her July 1st engagement, save for the awkward unofficial Wimbledon appearances where her clapping looked like a PSA for helmet safety and the exhausting Tour de France ribbon cutting on July 5th shown in this screen grab:   

KateTourDeFrance

Ribbon cutting isn’t neurosurgery so I’m not sure why she required a two-prince-assist.  It is kind of cool though that there are photos for the history books of the precise moment the British Royal Family jumped the shark.

Kate will be attending the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow on July 28th and 29th, so until then Kate will be doing whatever it is Kate does while the nanny and various taxpayer-funded household staff take care of Kate’s so-called hands-on duties as mother and homemaker.  My theory has been that Prince William has a laser pointer and Kate runs around trying to catch the red dot but I’m sure she watches television too and probably plays with balls of yarn.

In order to restore Kate’s image following the recent unflattering press, there appears to be an attempt to refocus attention on Kate as a mother complete with golden halo and harp music.  There are quite a few stories about how Prince George cried through his breastfeeding stage, not sleeping through the night until the beginning of this year when solid food was introduced into his diet.  If the story was intended to garner sympathy, I admit I do feel bad that seventy-one year old Nanny Webb had to go through all that.  I’m not so sure the story did much to bolster Kate’s reputation.  The problem with obvious PR moves is people aren’t a fan of the obvious.  Deception is far more palpable if it has at least some entertainment value.  I will forgive a lie much more easily if it involves a dance number, train hoppin’ hobos and a monkey.

Babies are a PR goldmine, normally the public will forgive even the most egregious behavior with just a hint of a new bundle of joy.  In previous posts, I predicted Kate would try to line up getting pregnant with the spare to coincide with the Royal Household Annual Accounts reports released at the end of June.  Well, it’s being reported that Jessica Hay, a former school friend of Kate’s, has confirmed Kate is pregnant.  Pregnancy rumors are nothing new for the Duchess of Doolittle except this is the same former friend who accurately reported Kate was pregnant the first time around so it has some credibility.  While it could just be a planted rumor Kate tried to make seem more believable by giving her stomach what appeared to be a pregnancy pat at the Tour de France event, Kate’s face does seem like it’s either retaining fluids or dermal fillers.

Regardless, the spare is inevitable.  A second will give Kate a nice nine month break before a year of maternity leave, plus however many years she can pull off saying that her family is her first priority and the reason she can’t do more engagements.  I have the highest respect for mothers but when Kate married Prince William, she took a duchess title that came with duties.  She said, “I do”, not only to a man, but to a commonwealth as well.  Kate is provided with an extensive staff to be able to perform the duties expected of her, funded by taxpayers.  If Kate wishes to live the lifestyle of a private citizen, she should do so without the allocated resources of a fulltime working royal.

The more Kate and Prince William try to live as private public figures, the more they alienate those who fund their lifestyles.  Why should taxpayers pay an undisclosed sum somewhere in the millions of dollars for their annual security protection when the UK’s Laziest Royals put in so few official engagements, then complain about their lack of privacy as they wait to live in the secluded luxury of Anmer Hall, away from photographers and cell phone cameras?  In a curious move some speculated was part of Prince William’s broader campaign to control the media, the United for Wildlife charity cricket match on Monday was declared a private event, shutting out freelance photographers and attaching copyright terms to the released photos.  The couple is also reported to be asking for the airspace above Anmer Hall to be declared a no-fly zone, filing a claim that photos taken at the end of May were below the legally required 500 feet.  The CAA is still trying to determine if there’s enough evidence to even launch an investigation into their claim but have indicated that the rules were the same for royal residences as they were non-royal ones.  With all their privacy complaints and scheduled move to seclusion, it kind of sounds like they are on their way towards writing a 35,000 word manifesto about technology and freedom.  Hopefully the next Kate Effect doesn’t involve hoodies and aviator sunglasses.

Normally babies are a jackpot in terms of public perception but I doubt Kate’s second pregnancy will have a tremendous restorative impact on her image.  July could have marked a turning point on how Kate would be historically remembered, but she has instead chosen inaction as her course.  I really don’t think it matters what Kate Middleton does past this point or how many cute Prince Grumpy Cats she gives birth to, if she is called Waity Katie, Lazy Katie or Two Kitchens Kate, historically she is likely to be referred to as the woman who sank the British Monarchy.  I always hope for the best from people but I fear Kate truly may be hopeless.

redheart

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Kate’s Maternity Leave is Officially Officially Over

The Buckingham Palace Press Office has one less option on Kate’s Excuse Spinner to offer for her lack of public engagements.  The one year of “maternity leave” retroactively offered to explain the reclusive duchess’ disappearing act after her post-pregnancy return to duty was officially over on June 14th.

There’s still the classic, “allergies”, employed to get out of undesirable activities like learning to ride or explain a glum expression on the usually overly enthusiastic and potentially neurologically damaged duchess.  Allergies were why Kate looked so haggard at Saturday’s Trooping the Colour which is the official birthday celebration of the British monarch.

KateTroopingTheColour

Perhaps allergies were why Kate opted for a mother-of-the-bride look at a winter wedding in an Alexander McQueen suit of silver brocade and a Jane Taylor hat with icy holiday centerpiece foliage.  No summery colors or artificial fascinator blooms to trigger hay fever, just overall winter frostiness as Kate rode in a carriage with a tartan blanket on her lap.

Kate is infamously allergic-not-allergic to horses but fared better while watching Prince William play polo at a charity on Sunday.  Neither pollen nor horses nor being so close to an event benefiting a charity triggered an allergic reaction in My Fair Waity.  Pictures taken of Le Petit Prince did not prompt any angry tirades over privacy violations from Prince William despite the match being a private event.  This informal picture of the family was captured which might one of my favorites because, as Kate can attest to, it’s incredibly difficult to get a horse to cooperate with a photo op.

Cambridgesatpolomatch

During the game, Kate evoked her mother by blowing kisses to her prince, a needed change from Single White Femaling her deceased mother-in-law.

carole&kateblowingkisses

Perhaps Kate is trying to get Wills in the mood for making a spare because sometimes hair comes before the heir.

PrinceGeorgeTryingToGetKate'sAttention

A pregnancy would be perfect timing now that her maternity leave is officially officially over.  The rare hyperconvenient hyperemesis gravidarum that Kate gets that only affects duchess duties and not shopping or vacations would give her a nice nine month break before another year of maternity leave.  She could continue ignoring those seven charities she wanted to “focus on” in the manner to which she has become accustomed until April of 2016.  Out of those seven charities, Action on Addiction, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, The Art Room, The National Portrait Gallery, Place2Be, SportsAid and The Natural History Museum, she’s only attended two photo-op events to date this year, once for The Art Room and once for The National Portrait Gallery.  By comparison, Princess Diana tried to visit each of her numerous charities at least three times every year.  Another pregnancy would be ideal for Lazy Katie, the needy are just so needy.

On Monday, Kate showed up for another official royal event, The Order of the Garter parade.  I’m assuming she was coaxed out of the coziness of the palace because she thought a totally different kind of garter would be featured.

Victoria'sSecretFashionShow

Since Kate’s got to be careful about showing her privates in public now, maybe she thought she could subliminally turn her Big Willy’s attention to her vertical smile with this Georgia O’Keeffe approach to millinery.

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From beneath Kate’s recycled Christopher Kane coat, the outline of what appears to be a bustier could be seen.

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For a girl who’s proven on multiple occasions that she’s just not that into underwear, sexy lingerie is rather unexpected.  Perhaps Kate got confused about The Order of the Garter and expected to see lingerie models instead of hats with large white feathers.  Or maybe she’s leaving a breadcrumb trail for Prince William now that her year of maternity leave is up.  There are luxury vacations to take and credit cards don’t charge themselves, you can only blame just so many things on allergies.

redheart

 

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WAG Pretends She Was Supportive RAF Wife – BARF

Living in the Slipstream: Life as an RAF Wife comes out May 29th.  As it was reported back in February, Kate Middleton contributed the forward.

LivingInTheSlipstream

Normally I support any literary contribution and would celebrate Kate Middleton doing something other than shopping but her penning the forward, undoubtedly with the assistance of a ghostwriter which is common practice for celebrities and pubic figures, reeks of hypocrisy.

Prince William and Kate moved to Anglesey in January 2011 when Prince William began active service as a search and rescue pilot and were wed on April 29, 2011.   Kate turned down the offer to join the RAF Valley Wives Club where spouses of search and rescue pilots support each other and the local community through organizing charitable events.  Maybe the RAF Valley Wives shouldn’t have mentioned the whole helping others thing which the Duchess of Doolittle has a track record of avoiding, preferring to count movie premieres and events like sailing and wine tastings on Royal Vacation Tours as her official engagements.

Instead of Kate settling into the role of RAF wife as the press claimed, Kate embraced a life of shopping, lunches and vacations.  After the ten day honeymoon in Seychelles, it was announced that the upcoming Canadian Tour in July had been extended to include Los Angeles at the request of the Duchess.  Lazy Katie wanted to enjoy some time in Hollywood on the taxpayer’s dime and stretch out Prince William’s leave a little more, leave that no other military member would have been granted on the heels of a long vacation.

Kate's Hot for Hollywood

Kate’s Hot for Hollywood

While the RAF Wives tried to include Kate despite her rejection of club membership, she snubbed them at every turn, frequently flitting off to shop in London and of course spend time with her mother in Bucklebury, viewing Anglesey as a place to escape the pressures of her royal role by using the excuse she was an RAF Wife.  She got out of the pressures of being an RAF Wife by using the excuse she was a royal.  The RAF Wives were hurt by her attitude towards them, they were reported to have felt that Kate acted like spending any time with them was beneath her.

Kate spent so much time in London and at Bucklebury while she was an RAF Wife that the excuse had to be offered that she planned these escapes around Prince William’s schedule, choosing to be away from the “loneliness” of Anglesey when he was working long shifts to quell rumors of marital discord or Kate being a silly vacuous WAG.  Loneliness is a very real problem that spouses of military personnel have to deal with, that’s why the RAF wives support each other, but Kate wasn’t interested.  She wasn’t concerned about being there for other wives or even her own husband who often came home to an empty house after shifts.  Kate was BFFs with Prince Charles’ Money, it’s the only relationship she appeared to care about.  Emotional support is for peasants.

The only appeal being an RAF Wife had to Kate was the privacy it afforded her as well as being an excuse to delay Duchess Duties.  Residents of Anglesey were very respectful of the couple’s privacy, didn’t take photos, only a handful talked to the press, instead locals would gather and share stories with each other about how Kate and Prince William would don sunglasses, baseball caps and the occasional wigs and drive around in a beat-up white van to disguise themselves, thinking they were fooling the locals who were instead bemused by their efforts.  When someone asked them once about their ridiculous get-ups, they claimed the disguises were for charity which I can only assume is an inside joke with the Lazy Duo.  Charity!  Isn’t that a hoot?

While the press likes to spin that Prince William and Kate were living a normal life like any other couple, they weren’t.  Kate took frequent trips to London and Bucklebury to enjoy duchess luxuries not available to the average RAF wife or average anyone for that matter. Prince William and Kate didn’t socialize with Anglesey residents and their standing monthly date with each other was the bloodsport of pheasant hunting.  Wherever Willnot and Kannot went, they had their security detail with them at all times which aren’t the most welcoming bunch by nature of the job.  The couple’s security gave one satellite television repairman the scare of his life when his navigation system misdirected him to the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle’s driveway where a team of gun-blazing Scotland Yard security men surrounded him.  I shudder to think of the reception that door to door salesmen or cookie peddling Girl Scouts got.  The presence of their security detail was anything but discreet, Prince William would be picked up each morning for work in a Range Rover and his security motorcade or a helicopter.  I’m pretty sure that’s not how most people go to work.

Prince William’s stint as a search and rescue pilot ended on August 5, 2013.  Kate had been staying in Bucklebury with the Middletons in the weeks before and after the birth of her son on July 22, 2013 when her husband finished up with the No. 22 Squadron.

In Kate’s forward of the book, it says:

I loved my time in Anglesey when William was serving with RAF Search and Rescue. I cannot pretend that I didn’t feel anxious at times when William was on shift in howling gales, knowing that he was out flying in extremely challenging conditions, but he loved doing it and I always felt incredibly proud of him. I also knew that I was not alone and that there were many supportive Search and Rescue wives on Anglesey and at other bases across the country.

I have no doubt Kate’s time in Anglesey was happy, she got to play house whenever it suited her and wile away the rest of the time enjoying the perks of her royal status without the responsibilities she finds so irksome.  However, talking about the support of the other wives is hypocritical, she wanted nothing to do with them, she removed herself from them as much as possible.  This forward is nothing more than a PR attempt to create the illusion in retrospect that Kate was fulfilling the role as a military wife.  Kate is doing what she does best here, playing dress-up, adding a dust jacket to her ensemble, except this time it’s insulting to military families.  The book contains personal accounts of over one hundred actual RAF wives and was edited by Jill Black, Holly Jeffers and Alison Bairsto, real life military wife friends who genuinely support each other unlike Kate who can’t be bothered.

redheart

 

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