Tag Archives: Marchesa

Still No Order in Kate’s Court

On Wednesday, the British Royal Family hosted a state banquet in honor of Spain’s visiting royals, King Felipe and Queen Letizia.

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Queen Letizia, in a red evening gown and Fleur de Lys tiara, full of elegance, poise and confidence, walked into the ballroom like she owned the place.

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Kate Middleton in a pale dusty pink Marchesa and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara, walked into the ballroom like she got separated from her Jane Austen Cosplay group and desperately needed to use the loo.

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Victoria Murphy’s article for the Mirror has lots of great photos.

Kate remains orderless more than six years into the whole duchessing thing.  The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor given to female working members of the family at Her Majesty’s discretion and Kate is the only working female royal without one.  Katharine, Duchess of Kent received hers during her first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  And Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  Considering how few engagements Kate does, perhaps the Queen isn’t aware that Kate is considered a working royal.

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For her sixth tiara outing, Kate went with the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara which infamously gave Princess Diana headaches, pairing it with Princess Diana’s Collingwood Pearl and Diamond Earrings.  Kate also wore a statement necklace on loan from the Queen which hasn’t been seen in quite some time, the King George VI and Queen Elizabeth Bandeau Necklace.

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Unlike many of Marchesa’s celebrity fashion victims, Kate chose to wear the brand on purpose.  The lace dress was a little bit bridal and a little bit OMG-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Kate.  I’m a little bit biased though because I don’t like Marchesa on anyone ever plus we’ve already seen so much lace on Kate, it’s clearly a cry for help, someone please get The Little Duchess Who Couldn’t  into fashion rehab.

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Kate’s matronly updo appears to be the work of Amanda Cook Tucker and Kate’s makeup looks like it was done by Skeletor.

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All artists paint themselves.

Kate was seated at the end, once again partially obscured by centerpieces.  And once again during the speeches, Kate appeared to be unfamiliar with the listening process, looking around to see what others were doing while the grown-ups talked.

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The state banquet was a first for Prince Harry who escorted the Marchioness of Cholmondeley into the ballroom and sat next to her for the evening.

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While there was no order in Kate’s court for the Spain state banquet, the courts of Wimbledon have been infested with Middletons.  With Kate now Wimbledon’s royal patron, Carole, Pippa and James have appeared a little extra smug with their royal boxiness.  While royal box seats are by invitation of the Chairman of the All England Club, clearly the Middletons are benefiting from their in-laws status. The Queen has done nothing, however, suggesting she is perfectly fine with the Middletons being the face of the modern monarchy.  Do you remember Princess Diana’s sisters?  Me neither.  But then again, they didn’t hire Posh Spice’s PR rep to keep them in the news.

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2016 Oscars Red Carpet

At the 88th Academy Awards, Chris Rock diffused the diversity controversy that hung over the Dolby Theater with his raw yet dexterous brand of comedy, acknowledging a need for change within Hollywood while keeping the show on track. It’s been so long since an Oscar host was actually entertaining, I had forgotten these things used to sometimes  be funny.  Not everything was comedic gold, I still can’t figure out the point of the Girl Scout bit.  Girl Scout cookies sell themselves because they are delicious and somewhat deceptively named.  Thin Mints for example give you the false impression you can swallow sleeves of cookies whole like a boa constrictor without worrying about your waistline while Tagalongs and Do-si-dos practically sound like you’re getting some kind of calorie-cancelling exercise simply by eating them.

Amusingly, the plan to omit thank yous from the acceptance speeches and scroll pre-prepared lists of names instead didn’t pan out amongst those who take direction for a living.  Not exactly a shocker.  If I ever won an Academy Award, guidelines and music wouldn’t get me off the stage, it would probably take some kind of zoo-tranquilizer dart and even then, I wouldn’t go without a fight.

But the Oscars are so much more than a platform for social change or awarding  the best in film, they’re about attractive people wearing fabulous designer clothing.  Watching the Oscars is all about focusing on the most superficial aspects of people who are part of the most shallow industry on Earth.  It’s all about the fashion.

This year was a little more interesting than the past few years.  The best and worst weren’t quite so cut and dry with many  critics divided over who led  the pack and whose fashion failed.

These are my picks:

The Best

Cate Blanchett was ethereal perfection in seafoam Armani Prive.  In the wrong hands, this  dress could look like a glue gun disaster, but with Tiffany & Co. cascading diamond earrings, sea creature bracelet and beachy bob, Cate had that just-stepped-out-of-the-waves-like-this goddess quality.  This dress made both best and worst dressed lists.  On anyone but Cate Blanchett, I would have categorized it as the latter.  On her, it was both regal and whimsical.

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Another red carpet masterpiece in motion was Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein.  The actress chose emerald to honor her Irish heritage, however the swirling sequins of the skirt were evocative of the sky’s nocturnal undulations in Dutch post-Impressionist painter, Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night.  While the brightest “star” in van Gogh’s painting is actually Venus, Saoirse Ronan’s luminous beauty made her one of the brightest stars on the Oscar red carpet.
SaoirseRonan

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The black Chanel dress Julianne Moore wore was a departure from the jewel tones she normally gravitates towards, making it a noteworthy selection.  Recently, a similar version made its way down the Chanel runway on Kendall Jenner.  Julianne opted for meticulously crafted effortless glamour, wearing her hair down instead of in angry Princess Leia buns with Black Swan eye makeup shown at the Chanel Haute Couture show.

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Once again Charlize Theron’s red carpet appearance reminded us that no matter how hard we try, we’ll never be Charlize Theron.  Charlize may have terrible taste in men, but her fashion sense is impeccable.  Draped in Christian Dior Couture and Harry Winston diamonds, Charlize continued her reign as the Red Carpet’s best dressed.

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Honorable Mention

Mindy Kaling’s Elizabeth Kennedy dress was a little too tight, causing it to pucker, but between its black and royal blue color scheme and cape-like tie in the  back, it reminded me of the superhero costume worn by Batman’s former sidekick, Nightwing, thus making the dress subjectively awesome.

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Leather and Lace

Two of the trends on the red carpet were the sartorial version of the Stevie Nicks/Don Henley duet, Leather and Lace.

Jennifer Lawrence’s black tiered Dior gown was one of the lace trend’s best examples,  a modern take on the black lace and ruffles favored by Stevie Nicks who paved the way for goth girls who want to keep their hair blonde.

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Rooney Mara also wore lace.  The cut-out sheer dress  by Givenchy Haute Couture was a cometh hither combination of demure and provocative, however the sci-fi hair and white platform sandals detracted from the dress.

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Versace-clad Kerry Washington looked like she was wearing Xena’s prom dress: ass-kicking leather on top, glamorous femininity on the bottom.

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Margot Robbie glittered like a gold dust woman in a long-sleeve gold leather embellished Tom Ford gown.  In 85 degree heat.  I’m really not sure how she wasn’t glistening buckets.

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The Worst

This year’s Oscars refuted my long-held belief that Kate Winslet would look gorgeous even in a garbage bag.  Making a rare sartorial misstep, Kate’s Ralph Lauren gown was evocative of a Hefty Cinch Sak.  Draw me like one of your tall kitchen bags.

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Another fashion disappointment was Olivia Wilde who, like Kate Winslet, usually nails the red carpet.  I wanted to like Olivia Wilde’s Valentino dress, but ultimately I couldn’t shake the fact that it looked like Mature Bride’s take on Leeloo’s bandage outfit.

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I can’t even take Amy Poehler’s Andrew Gn dress seriously, she looks like she’s being eaten alive by Audrey Jr. flesh-eating embroidery.  A stylist supposedly did this to her on purpose, why I do not know, but humanity may need to call on Lucy Liu’s badassery.

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This year Marchesa happened to Heidi Klum.  The dress looked like a failed practice assignment using canopy curtains and shoddy magic at Fairy Godmother Conjuring School.  The dress Cinderella’s rodent friends made her looked better than this Marchesa dress even after it was destroyed.  Not only is this a lock for this year’s Worst Dressed award, it’s epically hideous, likely to show up on Most Tragic Oscar Fashion lists for years to come.

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2015 Oscars Red Carpet

The 2015 Oscar’s Red Carpet was a veritable who’s who and what’s that of fashion.  With the recently starlet-snubbed E! Mani Cam banished officially because of “space constraints” amid sexism controversy, Oscar hopefuls and presenters seemed to take back more creative control of their fashion as well.  A marked departure from last year’s overly contrived un-styled looks masterminded by megalomaniacal stylists, the red carpet this year was fresher, more individual, fashion-forward and fabulously flawed.

There were three major trends on the Oscar’s red carpet this year: statement necklaces, ponytails and pearls.

Unfortunately, the statement Cate Blanchett chunky turquoise necklace had to make was weekend road trip to the Grand Canyon.  It’s hard to believe the necklace is Tiffany & Co.

Cate Blanchett in Margiela by John Galliano, Tiffany & Co. necklace.

Cate Blanchett in Margiela by John Galliano, Tiffany & Co. necklace.

Margot Robbie’s necklace statement was much more Oscar-worthy, she accessorized her Yves Saint Laurent dress with a vintage Van Cleef and Arpels necklace created for Wallis Simpson.

Margot Robbie in Yves Saint Laurent, vintage Van Cleef and Arpels necklace

Margot Robbie in Yves Saint Laurent, vintage Van Cleef and Arpels necklace

Dakota Johnson, smoldering in Yves Saint Laurent, whipped her hair into a playful ponytail, while Jennifer Lopez topped her nude Elie Saab with a more slicked-back look.

Dakota Johnson in Yves Saint Laurent and Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab

Dakota Johnson in Yves Saint Laurent and Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab

Felicity Jones wore Alexander McQueen with pearls in the center of the three dimensional embroidery on the bodice.

Felicity Jones in Alexander McQueen

Felicity Jones in Alexander McQueen

Lupita Nyong’o had the pearliest of creations, with 6,000 lustrous spheres sewn to her Calvin Klein dress.

Lupita Nyong'o in Calvin Klein

Lupita Nyong’o in Calvin Klein

The luminous Julianne Moore wore custom Chanel in lustrous white.  The column dress took 927 hours to make, but its detailing left me a bit divided on the look overall, evoking somewhat of a sea creature feel.

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Sadly, Marion Cotillard, who usually makes it to the top of best-dressed lists, looked like she pulled a Little Mermaid with the tablecloth from a sushi restaurant.

Marion Cotillard in Dior

Marion Cotillard in Dior

Versace dressed new mothers Zoe Saldana and Scarlett Johansson, one of the best and one of the worst looks of the evening.  Scarlett looked like a cross-dressing Jolly Green Giant in a New Orleans brothel.

Zoe Saldana and Scarlett Johansson in Versace

Zoe Saldana and Scarlett Johansson in Versace

Also in Versace was Jennifer Aniston who got slimed on the red carpet by Emma Stone’s Ectoplasma-Green Elie Saab gown.

Jennifer Aniston in Versace and Emma Stone in Elie Saab

Jennifer Aniston in Versace and Emma Stone in Elie Saab

No one told Jessica Chastain that navy blue was over, probably because she’s this hot and it’s kind of annoying.

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy

Gwyneth Paltrow wore a petal pink Ralph and Russo that kind of grows on you after a while.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph and Russo

Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph and Russo

Lady Gaga one-upped Amal Clooney’s awkward Golden Globes gloves with her tribute to both dishwashing and falconry.

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga

Nicole Kidman accessorized with red as well, although the belt on the opalescent yellow dress made her look like a magician’s assistant after the sawing in half trick went horribly wrong.

Nicole Kidman in Louis Vuitton

Nicole Kidman in Louis Vuitton

Rita Ora drew the Marchesa short straw, wearing one of the designs of Harvey Weinstein’s wife which always tend to look like they were crafted with a glue gun on a Percocet high.

Rita Ora in Marchesa

Rita Ora in Marchesa

The best and worst went to the Brits.

Naomi Watts seemed to have hit a wall while wearing Liza Minnelli’s sports bra with this Armani Prive gown.

Naomi Watts in Armani Prive

Naomi Watts in Armani Prive

Rosamund Pike was perfection in red lace Givenchy.

Rosamund Pike in Givenchy

Rosamund Pike in Givenchy

And of course, the Best Undressed went to host Neil Patrick Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris

Neil Patrick Harris

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Emmys 2014 Red Carpet

At the 2014 Emmy Awards, fashion took a wrong turn down a dark alley and then raided the dumpsters.

Worst red carpet ever.  Hollywood flew over the cuckoo’s nest and Nurse Ratched gave a fashion lobotomy to the stragglers.

The Emmy’s Red Carpet had way too much tulle and taffeta for grown adults.  Sarah Paulson, Lena Dunham, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Melissa McCarthy (left to right or rather left to wrong) all channeled their inner fairy princesses and proved why you should never take anything Lindsay Lohan gives you, even if she swears it’s just a mint.

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Sarah Paulson, Lena Dunham, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Melissa McCarthy in Fairy Princess Fails

The only one who successfully pulled off the ballerina princess look was Sarah Hyland in Christian Siriano.

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Sarah Hyland in Christian Siriano

Sadly, this is the best Melissa McCarthy has ever looked, but she seems unable to escape the bead-defecating Chico’s pigeon that usually dumps some sort of cheaply fabricated design element on her, this time the offending sparkle landed around the waist of her Marchesa skirt.  Somehow she still hasn’t explored jewelry as a shiny alternative.

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Marchesa (and I’m assuming heroin) did this to Christina Hendricks.

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Christina Hendricks in Marchesa

Georgina Chapman and Keren Craig should sit in the corner and think about what they did to one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.

Mayim Bialik from Big Bang Theory said she wanted to look “hot and holy” at the Emmys this year.  Mayim is an Orthodox Jew and while I respect her wanting to be covered up for religious reasons, when I first saw this, I thought, “Holy crap, that’s one steaming pile of hideous electric blue lace.”

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Mayim Bialik in Oliver Tolentino

Co-star Melissa Rauch showed how to pull off brilliant blue that isn’t flaming fashion poo in her Pamella Roland gown:

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Melissa Rauch in Pamella Roland

Also in blue, Christine Baranski went for a deeper hue in this elegant caped Zac Posen dress:

Christine Baranski in ZacPosen

Christine Baranski in Zac Posen

Unfortunately Zac Posen was also responsible for Heidi Klum’s coral column creation.  Perhaps he didn’t want to be her date after all because you have to be trying to make Heidi Klum look this matronly.

Heidi Klum in Zac Posen

Heidi Klum in Zac Posen

Laura Prepon’s confusing Gustavo Cadile seemed like premeditated fashion assault, channeling one of Kim Basinger’s worst red carpet looks:

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While Kerry Washington looked like a Pinterest DIY Disaster in this ill-fitting Prada dress with sequin slip detail:

Kerry Washington in Prada

Kerry Washington in Prada

Kate Mara’s J. Mendal dress looked like a desperate tourniquet attempt to stop the crystal detailing from spreading:

Kate Mara in J. Mendal

Kate Mara in J. Mendal

The best of the embellished had to be Julia Roberts in Elie Saab.

Julia Roberts in Elie Saab

Julia Roberts in Elie Saab

Even though up close, the dress sort of looked like a negligee with Disco Viagra glued to it.

Julia Roberts Elie Saab Dress Detail

Julia Roberts Elie Saab Dress Detail

Sadly not everyone who suffered a fashion lobotomy fate even made it out of the straight jacket:

Michelle Monaghan in Giambattista Valli Couture

Michelle Monaghan in Giambattista Valli Couture

Although some of those who did just went with messy hair and apathy as their boldest accessories:

Kristen Wiig in Vera Wang

Kristen Wiig in Vera Wang

Picking the worst of the worst is not an easy feat in this year’s Suckfest of Fashion, but the break-away was probably Breaking Bad’s Betsy Brandt.  Her custom Alice and Olivia dress looked like an old Laura Ashley tablecloth with splattered Easter Egg dye and the styling was so clumsy, it was almost criminal.

Betsy Brandt in Alice and Olivia

Betsy Brandt in Alice and Olivia

Best dressed would have to go to Lizzy Caplan, totally fetch in a black Donna Karan Atelier gown with a halter top, on-trend cut-out sides and white train.  That’s right, I just made “fetch” happen.  And later I’m going to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles.

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All in all, not a good year for Emmys fashion, though.

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