Tag Archives: Meghan Markle

Cardiff

Oh dear, it’s worse than I thought. Meghan Markle has crazy eyes.

CrazyEyes1

CrazyEyes2

Crazy eyes are practically mandatory for marrying into the British Royal Family since Princess Diana joined The Firm.  Back in July, I pointed out the set on Kate Middleton which tend to happen when Prince William is paying attention to her whereas Meghan’s crazy eyes occur when she is gazing at the love of her life, the camera.

Day4CrazyEyes

Find someone who looks at you the way Meghan Markle looks at a camera. I really ship these two.

CameraReady

I’m not the only one to notice the illicit affair Meghan is carrying out with the lens right under Harry’s nose:

cameralove

I guess it wouldn’t be a Windsor wedding unless there were three in the marriage.

On Thursday, Prince Harry and Meghan traveled to Wales where they did a walk-about, toured Cardiff Castle and visited the StarHub community centre.  They were over an hour late due to a train delay for which Meghan apologized with one of her exaggerated expressions straight from the Kate Middleton School of Over-Emulating Human Emotion.

meghandelay

Meghan needs a master class, though.  Her apology expression and humbly overwhelmed expression are almost indiscernible (red arrows by moi).

MeghanFakeSincerity

It may have been good enough for Suits, but taxpayers expect more.  I mean they rarely get it from the Royal Family but they do still expect it.

Meghan’s choice of attire proved controversial with the Daily Mail going so far as to claim, “Never has one outfit been designed to send so many messages”.  Is Meghan really using clothing to convey secret non-verbal communication?  That kinda sounds like something a tinfoil hat-wearing stalker would say to the police to explain what he was doing lurking in the bushes in a suit made of Velcro with duct tape roll bracelets and a bag full of kitty litter.  But then again, it is the Daily Mail so…
dm-meghancardiff

I guess the Stella McCartney coat which resembles a robe and Meghan’s messy bun do sort of say “Fuck you, I want to be home in my jammies” but that’s basically my default mood so I’m not going to cast stones over that one.

Okay, maybe just one stone, really a pebble. With Meghan constantly brushing her hair away and touching her face at the last two engagements, she looks like she desperately wants someone to call her a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

manicpixiedreamgirl

In addition to the messy bun, traditionalists were pearl-clutching over Meghan’s shoulder-revealing Theory top, her Hiut Denim jeans and mismatched earrings.

re-meghancardiff

I’m sorry, but after you’ve seen the Duchess of Cambridge prancing around in violently tight Heimlich Maneuver jeggings and the two tight-trousers princes showing off their pocket rockets, a pair of black denim jeans and a little extra shoulder isn’t that big of an eyebrow-raiser.  The bar has been set so low it’s now just a crevice in the Boulevard of Broken Protocol.  Granted Meghan’s attire wouldn’t fly in most offices except for maybe on Casual Friday, but I find Meghan and Harry’s hand-holding and whispering to each other during official engagements to be more unprofessional than some exposed clavicle.  The lovey-dovey demonstrative displays of these first engagements are a bit too much, they’re at work.  At any job, if you engaged in similar behavior with your significant other while on the clock, you’d probably be called into HR for a meeting about it because even if the boss gave you a pass, you know Janice from Accounts Receivable would say something.

Meghan appeared at ease chatting with the gathered crowd.

rookie-cardiff

For one fan, she wrote “Hi Kaitlin” on her pad, an action the press identified as a protocol-breaking autograph.  Since Meghan didn’t sign her name, I’m a little foggy as to why it would be a violation of a royal rule by someone who isn’t even royal yet, but judging by all the fuss, Caitlin can now take over the world with that scribbled greeting so hopefully she will only use her powers for good.

HiKaitlin

Thus far, Meghan’s introduction to the Royal Family just seems like a reboot of the Fergie Years.  I’ve already watched this program and it wasn’t that great the first time around, plus I don’t have a lot of faith in this cast.

I do hope that Prince Harry and Meghan live a long blissfully happy life together and that she flourishes in her royal role but between the velocity of this relationship and Meghan’s crocodile smile, I can’t help but think the royal couple are like Tick-Tock and Captain Hook from Peter Pan.

tick-tockmeghan

Hopefully the only thing Harry loses will be his hair.

HarryBalding

Tick-tock!

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

 

The British Royal Family’s Gift of Unmethodical Madness

Normally this time of year, royal watchers just get to see slivers through car windows of members of the British Royal Family on their way to the Queen’s Christmas lunch at Buckingham Palace. This week, however, the Royal Family got all of us the gift of drama and there’s no gift receipt so it’s not like we can exchange it for something else like… I don’t know… maybe the absence of drama or even a baker boy hat so we can look cute while watching Apocalyptic levels of melt-down on Royal Twitter.

On Monday, @KensingtonRoyal released a creepy Christmas photo of the Cambridges.  Between Kate missing an arm, dead smiles, sterile background, an unconvinced George and the expression on Charlotte’s face warning us that the man with the bloody axe is behind us, it’s not hard to imagine why Lupo might not have wanted anything to do with this family portrait.

CambridgeChristmmasCard

On Wednesday, Princess Michael who is married to the Queen’s cousin, decided the perfect way to welcome Meghan Markle into the Royal Family was with a racist brooch.

PrincessMichaelRacistBrooch

If Princess Michael didn’t have past incidents like yelling “go back to the colonies” at black diners at a restaurant in New York City and saying she couldn’t possibly be racist because she thinks black people are “adorable”, then it would be easier to cut her some slack.  Because really, who wears a racist brooch to meet a biracial woman?  Who would even own a racist brooch?  Jewelry should never be used for evil.  Someone needs to take away that woman’s tiaras while she thinks about what she’s done.

Even if you give Princess Michael the benefit of the doubt, there is basically only one scenario that would explain why she would ‘accidentally’ wear a racist brooch and that’s if she was thinking to herself, ‘I hope Meghan knows I’m not the racist my own words prove me to be, I have lots of black friends like that girl who brought me my coat that one time and… and… that blackamoor brooch. I know, I’ll wear the brooch to make her feel at home, maybe she’s descended from the slave it was modeled after. God, I’m such a good person. I should be Queen.’

Princess Michael has since pseudo-apologized through a representative who noted that it was “a gift and has been worn many times before.”  I did a quick Google search and couldn’t find evidence of past racist brooch outings (which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been worn before, it just means I gave up before finding the photos) but if it’s indeed had multiple wearings then why didn’t someone mention to Princess Michael that she might not want to wear such an offensive piece, especially since she has tons of brooches that aren’t?  Just a hint of her massive collection:

princessmichaelbrooches

While some people have managed to blame the incident on Meghan for being too black or not black enough, most aren’t buying that this was an innocent whoopsie:

RoyalChefPrincessMichael

On Thursday, Kensington Palace Tweeted out a total of three engagement photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the third candid shot being shared as a thank you for all the lovely wishes.  They had been taken earlier in the week at Frogmore House by photographer hottie Alexi Lubomiriski.

engagementphoto1

They are gorgeous photos of gorgeous people in a gorgeous setting, but I’m still not sure why in the second one, Meghan is touching Prince Harry’s face like she’s pretending she’s Mary Ingalls trying to get a sense of what her fiancé looks like.

engagementphoto2

Screen Shot 2017-12-23 at 1.01.42 PM

It just seems so contrived.  Normally photos of eyes wide shut are automatically tossed.  If eyes are the windows to the soul, is the message here that Meghan’s heart is closed to Harry until further notice?  If so, it sucks to be him, but maybe select another one from the photos celebrating their love.

And Harry wrapping Meghan up in his coat like he’s Mark Darcy with a new diary?  Colin Firth did it better.   Harry’s only got a couple of inches of spare coat fabric, someone who likes us just as we are would make sure his coat went around before referencing an iconic movie scene.

In the third photo, Meghan is hanging on Prince Harry, body language we’ve seen before in the pictures from Jamaica.  It’s a little bit needy, a little bit possessive and a little bit Mariah Carey.  I mean, Meghan looks like she’s literally dragging him down.  Alexi Lubomiriski is an insanely talented photographer and there’s no doubt they were given lots of amazing pictures to choose from so it’s interesting these were the photos they selected, the ones that spoke to them as a couple.

engagementphoto3

In two of the three photos that were released, Meghan and Prince Harry look like they are dressed for two very different occasions with Meghan off to the Golden Globe Awards while Prince Harry is off to his job as a Human Resources Manager at a pharmaceutical company.  And does Harry just own that one suit?  Or is it like a superhero costume thing and he’s got multiples?

What really riled royal watchers up, though, is the price tag of the Ralph & Russo gown Meghan wore, estimated to cost £56,000 (around $75,000).

I’m of about 417 different minds on this and none of them agree.  It’s a stunning dress, Meghan looks glamorous and just ridiculously beautiful in it and she’s getting married, if you aren’t going to splash out when promising to spend a lifetime with someone then really nothing is worth celebrating.  But $75,000?  Holy fuck knuckles that’s an obscene amount of money for one frock.  The Palace said it was paid for privately but gave no information on who actually purchased it.  Meghan could have easily paid for it out of the $5 million or so she earned as an actress.  Prince Harry could have paid for it out of money he has inherited.  Or Prince Charles could have paid for it out of the Duchy of Cornwall which means technically taxpayers paid for it in which case every single resident of the UK should get to borrow it at least once.

RP-MeghanEngagementDress

A gown that expensive seems a curious choice for someone who describes herself as a humanitarian because I don’t know how someone can reconcile knowing the dire conditions in which so many are living and such a lavish purchase.  It just seems a bit tone deaf to the fact that in her new country at a time of austerity, hard-working taxpayers are having to rely on food banks because they can’t scrape up enough money to feed their children while this winter tens of thousands in the UK will freeze to death in their own homes which they can’t afford to heat.  The gown’s cost raises the concern that Meghan might be going the Marie Antoinette route instead of becoming the Diana 2.0 her estranged half-sister Samantha and her former friend Ninaki Priddy claim she’s been plotting to become since childhood.  On the other hand, that gown is phenomenal so good for her.

As royal watchers were still fiercely debating Meghan’s engagement gown cost, on Friday the Daily Mail ran an article about Kate Middleton spending £119,000 ($160,000) on new clothing and accessories this year. That’s a whole lot of money for very little return, Kate’s numbers will be abysmally low again this year. Curious timing for the Daily Mail to run that piece.  With Meghan now in the fold, I think we’ll start seeing the press play all sorts of new reindeer games.

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

When Harry Met Meghan

The big royal news is, of course, that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged to be married in May at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

EngagementPhotocall

The wedding will be paid for by the Royal Family, the hefty security bill will be paid for by the taxpayer.  Alas, not all taxpayers are thrilled with all of the #RoyalEngagement details.

TR-BankHoliday

The engagement interview that aired on Monday showed Meghan to be poised, confident and well spoken, certainly capable of handling the royal spotlight.  Both Prince Harry and Meghan appeared relaxed and enamored with one another in stark contrast to Prince William and Kate’s engagement interview which seemed a bit awkward and forced.

For some questions, though, Prince Harry and Meghan appeared to give answers that better suited the fairytale, probably decided by committee based on what tested highest in focus groups even though they hopefully didn’t need to “No, it was the Levi’s guy” this thing too much.

Unlike Prince William, Prince Harry did let others in on the engagement news which might be why it was a better interview and perhaps why the engagement happened to be announced when Harry was getting bashed around in the press for being a “spoiled brat”.

RP-Engagement Advisors

The origin story of their relationship in the BBC interview was a bit vague on details but according to their answers was the result of a blind date that happened in May or June of 2016.  Likely Prince Harry and Meghan didn’t give specifics because according to The Telegraph, Meghan was living with chef Cory Vitiello when she met Prince Harry.  Meghan’s ex-boyfriend has gone the no comment route on whether or not Prince Harry, who was in Toronto in May, was the cause of their break-up.

Vague Timeline:

Meghan Markle: Oh it would be a year and a half, a little bit more than that?

Prince Harry: No just about – it would be about a year and a half yeah.

Also…

Meghan Markle: I don’t think that I would call it a whirlwind in terms of our relationship, obviously there have been layers attached to how public it has become after we had a good five, six months almost with just privacy, which was amazing.

Okay, Meghan possibly already being in a committed relationship doesn’t make for the most romantic of How I Met Your Mother scenarios but even if there was overlap, we don’t know what Meghan’s relationship with Cory Vitiello was like.  I think the important thing to remember is that there is a single attractive man out there who can cook.  If you ask me, Meghan traded down.  Prince Harry proposed when they were “trying to roast a chicken”.  If it were the chef proposing, that chicken would have already been roasted.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks:

During the interview Meghan claimed, “Given that I didn’t know a lot about him, everything that I have learned about him, I learnt through him as opposed to having grown up around different news stories and tabloids whatever else.”

As an American I want the make and model number of that BRF-free bubble because that sounds like a magical place in which to live.  Considering accusations made by family and friends that she has been plotting to marry into the British Royal Family because she wants to be the Second Coming of Princess Diana, you can sort of see why Meghan would deny the virtual inescapability of royal news here in the US. Meghan’s childhood friend Ninaki Priddy is the latest to claim Meghan connived her way into Harry’s heart and the British Royal Family, telling the Daily Mail, “It’s like she has been planning this all her life.  She gets exactly what she wants and Harry has fallen for her play.  She was always fascinated by the Royal Family.  She wants to be Princess Diana 2.0.  She will play her role ably, but my advice to him is to tread cautiously.”  Either Meghan’s family and friends are out to get her or she’s boiled a few bunnies along the way.  The stereotype of the femme fatale leading men to their ruin is sooo 2016, though.  And if Meghan really does fancy herself Diana 2.0, that means she’ll highlight good causes while finishing off the monarchy in spectacular fashion.  I’d watch that show.

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks:

When Meghan made the innocuous comment that Princess Diana was with them, Prince Harry jumped in with a “somewhere else” comment so fast that I’ve never been more sure that rumors about Princess Diana’s ghost popping up around her sons are all true.  The “somewhere else” distinction makes it seem like Harry was implying, ‘Obviously she’s in heaven or some other plane, but definitely not in our kitchen making butter levitate and questioning Meghan’s footwear choices, that would be crazy… hee hee crazy.  CRAAAAZY!’

Meghan Markle: She’s with us.

Prince Harry: I’m sure she’s with us yeah, you know, jumping up and down somewhere else.

If you thought your in-laws were bad, imagine one that can’t be ducked by not answering the phones and who doesn’t need a key to get in.  I’m going to comb through that engagement interview frame by frame to see if I can spot Princess Diana’s ghost making bunny ears behind Meghan’s head just because I suspect Princess Diana wouldn’t have thought any woman was good enough for her sons.

The one thing that gives me pause about Meghan is her leaving her rescue dog, Bogart, behind in the US.  The reason provided by Jason Knauf is that Bogart is too old to fly but according to Meghan’s own social media posts, he’s five, that’s like saying Meghan is too old to fly.

BogartPuppy

Even if Bogart can’t fly, the voyage by sea would only take a few days.  I can’t imagine giving Nightwing up for any reason, we are a non-negotiable package deal.  In fact I’m presently not speaking with my mother because she suggested Nightwing isn’t really my son.  Not to go all canine conspiracy theory, but I wonder if the “friends” Bogart is staying with is really her chef ex-boyfriend who wanted Bogart in exchange for not selling his story to the press?  I’m trying not to judge Meghan and grant her the same grace period I gave Kate in which to disappoint me, but isn’t willingness to give up a rescue dog when you fall in love with a prince one of the signs of being a serial killer?  Hopefully there’s a plan to reunite Meghan and Guy with Bogart.  It just doesn’t feel like Meghan’s happiness could be complete without her furbaby.

On Friday, Meghan will be doing her first royal engagement with Prince Harry so she’s pretty much already in danger of surpassing Kate’s annual engagement total.

MeghanFirstEngagement

And I know this is just another Daily Mail typo, but how awesome does Thor Christmas sound?

ThorChristmas

I think we should live every day like Thor Christmas is about to happen.

redheart-1

signature-copy-1

Pippa Middleton’s Wedding

On Saturday, one of the most famous bridesmaids of the last decade got to be the bride.  Pippa Middleton, also known as the other Wisteria Sister, married hedge-fund manager James Matthews in lavish royal-adjacent fashion.

PippaWeddingDM

Pippa looked beautiful and blissfully happy, reminding us why we all love weddings, even ones we think we don’t particular care about until the media gently reminds us that apathy is not an option.

RoyalArtMusemPippaWedding

I wasn’t particularly a fan of Pippa’s custom guipure lace gown by Giles Deacon and the Maidenhair Fern tiara.  With the lace, high collar, and molded feel of the bodice, it was a little too Victorian Wonder Woman as interpreted by Zack Snyder for my taste.

victorianwonderwoman

But of course, after seeing how jacked Pippa’s arms are now, I wouldn’t say that to her face.

PippaArm

The Daily Mail has a multitude of articles with a vast amount of photos of the wedding, including one in which you can sort of see Meghan Markle being driven to the reception by Prince Harry.  Her absence from the church ceremony almost overshadowed the bride on social media as royal watchers wondered if there would be a royal wedding in the not-so-distant future.

ArthurEdwardsPippaWedding

Kate served as an unofficial bridesmaid to her sister, doing some flower girl and page boy wrangling. There’s a great photo of Kate shushing the kids that made the cover of the Sunday Express.

KateShushing

Kate also helped with straightening her sister’s veil and dress.

AEPippaWedding

In quite a few photos, Kate appears to be looming behind Pippa like acid reflux.

JenniferPippaWedding

After the ceremony, Prince George had a little mini meltdown.  Reportedly, it was in response to Kate scolding him for stepping on Pippa’s train, but who knows.  He could have been cranky because he’s three and at a wedding.  Princess Charlotte had a couple of moments of being two at a wedding but she was two like a pro and quickly recovered.

The Duchess of Cambridge’s style is always soooo mother-of-the-bride and this dusty peach Alexander McQueen dress which she paired with a Jane Taylor hat and Kiki McDonough earrings was no exception.

KateAlexanderMcQueen

It’s totally WKRP in Cincinnati and not in a good way.

WKRP

I mean, come on, the actual mother-of-the-bride, Carole Middleton, looked more youthful.

CaroleMiddletonPippaWedding

Although Carole and Kate both went so heavy on the blush, I couldn’t get Judy Collins’ version of “Send in the Clowns” out of my head.

KateClownBlush

Send in the clowns
Don’t bother, they’re here

Seriously, the ladies of the Moulin Rouge didn’t wear that much rouge.

MoulinRouge

Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas

I noticed Kate’s rings were doing an awful lot of slipping.  She was wearing her eternity band so they shouldn’t have slipped that far up towards her knuckle.  Hopefully she’s okay.

Kate'sRingatPippaWedding

While the wedding wasn’t a royal union, the taxpayers still have to pick up the tab for security because of the attendance of the second, third, fourth and fifth in line to the throne.  St. Mark’s church was closed on Friday evening for security sweeps, as were various roads, including the one taken by James and Pippa to the reception in a Jaguar, doing a royal-adjacent wave to those who had gathered to wish the newlyweds well.

RoyalAdjacentWave

Congratulations to the happy couple!

redheart

signature-copy

Royal Romance Still On

There have been lots of rumors floating around that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle broke up before Christmas and he went to Norway  without her.

Emily Andrews of The Sun was kind enough to answer my inquiry about the swirling gossip and confirmed Meghan and Harry are still very much together.

EA-Stilltogether

EA-MeghaninLondon

Emily Andrews got the exclusive that Meghan and Kate Middleton have finally met.  For real.  On January 10th.

I can’t imagine what Kate and Meghan chatted about.  Kate’s not exactly the gal pal type and I feel badly for whatever woman winds up with her as a sister-in-law.  While supposedly the meeting went well, I just keep picturing the 1988 film Heathers with Kate dragging Meghan out of ear-shot and telling her, “You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.  If I wasn’t the head of it, I’d want the same thing.”  Then in an attempt to bond with Kate over charity work, Meghan was probably told:

Heathers

Reportedly, Meghan gave Kate a journal as a birthday gift.  I can’t imagine what kind of deep thoughts Kate will fill it with, but maybe Meghan started it off for her.  Hopefully it wasn’t in Kate’s handwriting: “People think that just because you’re beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun.  No one understood, I had feelings too…”

harrycigarette

 

redheart

signature-copy

 

The Night Before Christmas


vintagereindeer

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ Sandringham House,

Not a Middleton was stirring, not one single louse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

But none for Meghan Markle who wouldn’t be there;

The royals were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of taxpayer funding danc’d in their heads,

And the Queen in her crown, and Philip in his cap,

Probably muttered, “I’m too old for this crap”-

When all through the tabloids there arose such a clatter,

Prince Harry’s romance hardly a private matter.

Away to the press Meghan’s relatives flew like a flash,

Selling old photos and videos for quick easy cash.

The American actress on a scarcely watched show,

Was attacked on social media as a fame-hungry hoe;

When what on Blind Gossip should appear,

But a hinted campaign to portray Meghan as saint of the year,

With pr reps at the ready to lay it on thick,

That whole demure duchess candidate shtick.

Little had been known about Prince Harry’s new flame,

And rapidly she became 2016’s most Googled actress name,

A porn site had a 1430% increase in searches for the vixen,

Who has been called by some a modern Wallis Simpson:

“Divorced, American, sex scenes, not suitable at all!”

Critics proclaimed her social media posts took gall.

Instagram bracelets and the initials necklace really don’t fly,

For romantically involved adults in the public eye.

But at least Harry will be at Sandringham, unlike William and Kate, too,

Who will be spending Christmas at Bucklebury, breaking tradition anew.

But even as the Cambridges disappear out of sight,

It still won’t be as bad as when William made the staff watch Twilight.

holly

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

redheart

signature-copy