Tag Archives: Our Fair Waity

The Hair Menagerie

“She lives in a world of her own – a world of – little glass ornaments…”
― Tennessee Williams, The Glass Menagerie

A somewhat belated Happy Easter or a more timely Happy Monday!  My funny bunny, Nightwing, sends his love.

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I’m a little behind on royal news due to technical difficulties.  But Apple has reunited me with my resurrected laptop, so time for a little catch-up.

To no one’s surprise, Prince William wound up jetting off to attend the wedding of rumored first love Jecca Craig in Kenya, leaving a fairly impressive amount of pissed off people in his cloud of cartoon smoke.  At least one of William’s co-worker spouses was displeased her husband had to spend yet another holiday away from his family when William got to take both Easter and all of December off.  Many taxpayers were peeved about having to pick up the pricy tab for Prince William’s security detail and private secretary for another international jolly.  And it’s assumed Kate isn’t too happy either that Wills missed out on their daughter’s first Easter to attend the wedding of his ex, although having watched Kate being interviewed for the Queen at 90 documentary, I suspect it’s possible Kate is being kept so heavily sedated, someone probably just stuffed a pillow into that blue sweater William always wears and Kate thinks she and her hubby just had the best Easter ever together.

The bulk of Kate’s contribution to the documentary on the Queen had already been released and discussed by the press: George calls Her Majesty Gan-Gan, the Queen leaves little gifts for her great-grandchildren in their room when they visit and Kate made the Queen chutney for her first royal Christmas.  Not terribly riveting stuff, this is more the sort of information that might be exchanged during small talk at an official engagement, if Kate actually bothered with small talk or engagements.  The Shetland pony featured in the documentary probably offered more insight on Her Majesty than the future Queen Consort did.  The documentary can be viewed in its entirety here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD7dAsNxmrQ

While the Countess of Wessex and the Duchess of Cornwall provided glimpses into the Queen as a woman, most of what Kate had to offer was more on Kate.  In one clip, Kate noted:

“I think she’s so… so engaging.
And I think she’s got the most fantastic smile.
I think even if the Queen says nothing at all but just smiles, she gives people an enormous amount of pleasure.”

Notice a pattern?  I, I, I.  There was an abundance of Is all throughout Kate’s segments.  “I was worried…”, “I thought back…”, “I noticed…”, “I think…”.  I, I, I.

Contrary to popular belief, over-usage of the pronoun I in speech isn’t a mark of narcissism, it’s one of insecurity.  In the documentary, Our Fair Waity sounded like Eliza Doolittle raided Paula Abdul’s medicine cabinet and then tried to leave a trail of pronoun breadcrumbs to help her find her way back to her own thought process.  Kate’s affected posh accent somehow managed to get even plummier and she appeared to be somewhat disoriented trying to maintain its consistency, with words lost in her own nervous laugh or in a rush to make sentences be over.

In one segment, Kate noted, “There’s a real art to walkabouts, everybody teases me in the family that I spend far too long chatting.”  Yeah, I don’t think the walkabouts which Kate rarely does are the problem.  Supposedly, the Royal Family finds Kate’s affected accent to be frustrating because she has to think about how each word should sound and it can take her a while to stammer through a complete thought.  They’re known not be fans of people putting on airs so a middle class girl constantly being a conversational speed bump in an attempt to sound like the poshest one of all naturally wouldn’t go over well.

In two clips, Kate made reference to the Queen taking care of her in a maternal nurturing way, by making sure she was okay at the Leicester engagement when she was without William and by putting out the chutney Kate made her for Christmas which Kate felt, “shows her thoughtfulness, really, and her care in looking after everybody.”

Why does a woman in her thirties and a future Queen Consort need the Queen to look after her as if she’s a child?  If someone as busy as a Head of State needs to stop what she’s doing like the Queen did at Leicester and ask if you’re okay, in all likelihood you are very far from okay.  Maybe the reason Kate usually doesn’t take her coat off at official engagements is because Kate’s Mum has to pin a note inside of them reading, “If found, please return to Carole Middleton’s umbilical cord.”

If there was any doubt before, Queen at 90 solidifies my suspicion that Kate is a walking Tennessee Williams play.  Kate ticks a lot of the same boxes as Laura, the mentally fragile daughter from the Glass Menagerie.  Both need to be taken care of, live in seclusion, become nervous speaking, drop out of commitments, have social circles limited to siblings, have mothers overly intent on making strong matrimonial matches for their daughters, and judging by Kate’s bad tailoring, it’s likely she puts her elongated torso on the same exaggerated level of physical deformity as Laura views her limp.  Substitute glass animal figurines with a wiglet collection and you’ve got a play… just not a woman suited to a role she aggressively pursued for over a decade.  The most striking difference is that Laura is a far more sympathetic character than Kate, Laura was trapped by circumstance whereas Kate built hers brick by boring brick.

The Daily Mail ran an article over the weekend indicating that it’s likely Kate and William will be ditching Anmer life and returning to London so Prince George can attend Wetherby next year.  Maybe the suggestion that the Cambridges will be returning to both London and duty is merely a PR ploy so the masses will think their seemingly endless gap year will be drawing to a close soon, but if they are moving back to London, how exactly is that going to work?  They can’t keep their criticism-provoking actions from the public’s awareness with Anmer Hall’s seclusion acting as a cloaking device and London affords far fewer places to hide the more unflattering aspects of a fairytale that’s looking increasingly Grimm.

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Kate Keen in McQueen

On Sunday February 7th, Kate Middleton finally reported for duty for 2016.

The event marked the 75th Anniversary of the RAF Air Cadets of which  she is now Honorary Air Commandant, an appointment she took over from Prince Philip in December.

Perhaps to prove she knew the  event was for some  kind of military-type flying thingy, Kate wore the Alexander McQueen coat in Military Blue she debuted on the 4th day of the New Zealand tour, the one that reminded me of a Pan Am coat from a time when flight attendants were called stewardesses.

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Kate’s dolly-curled hair was curiously longer than the three quarters of an inch it should have grown since her December chop.  Did Santa give someone shiny new hair extensions for Christmas?  Kate’s hair was so long in fact, it kept covering up the Dacre brooch which had  been awarded each year to the best female cadet and given to Kate to wear upon its retirement.  Now that the best female cadets receive the Dacre sword just like the male cadets, it was only fitting the brooch should be worn by a duchess who is the embodiment of a modern woman of the 19th century.

Kate on February 7th on left and on December 9th on right

Kate on February 7th on left and on December 9th on right

Kate’s hair wasn’t  the only sudden change, her skin seemed to have obtained a deepened glow since January 10th that one would not typically associate with British winters.  Of course,  between PhotoShop, lighting and equipment variables, such a comparison isn’t exactly conclusive evidence Kate was able to make a Caribbean escape, but Our Fair Waity does seem to be less fair in the photos the Daily Mail ran.

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Kate Middleton on February 7th on left and on January 10th on right

The most striking difference was Kate’s thick black magic marker eyebrows which to the casual observer might look like Kate confused a pencil case with a cosmetics case, but could also indicate Kate has been afflicted with Muppet Madness.

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Of course, with Kate being so keenly keen on keenness, she couldn’t wait to get to this year’s first event on February 7th and took the Queen’s helicopter from Anmer Hall for Sunday’s RAF Air Cadet event at a cost  the Daily Mail estimated to be £3,000 (around $4,318  USD) while the Queen traveled back to London the same day via train at a cost of £54.90 (around $79.03) for her first class ticket.

The Queen prefers trains to helicopters and I can see why she wouldn’t  want to helicopter-pool with Kate but this is one of those examples of the additional costs that came with the Anmer move.  By car, the trip would have taken Kate around  two hours and fifty minutes each way but if the Queen can take a train for an hour and forty-four minutes, then why can’t her grandson’s wife who is so keen on being a stay-at-home Mum?   Instead of a lazy duchess taking an environmentally unfriendly helicopter ride to the first official engagement she could be bothered with this year, perhaps that money could have been better applied to say the upkeep of those crumbling palaces and castles  which is supposed to come out of the Sovereign’s Grant.

If the so-called “thrifty duchess” didn’t want  to commute, she shouldn’t have moved out to the country. At this rate, the monarchy will fall into a state  of complete disrepair before the crumbling Buckingham Palace will.

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