Tag Archives: Party Pieces

Kate Wears Kid Crafts

Currently several media outlets are accusing Kate Middleton of wearing the loom bracelets children have been giving her at events to help her parents sell the kits on their Party Pieces website.  She’s been photographed minutes after putting on the bracelets made for her by young fans and she was STILL wearing them.

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Seriously?

I cannot believe I have to defend Kate Middleton.  Kate Middleton did not invent loom bracelets.  She did not invent children either.  Loom bracelets have been trendy with kids for a while now, her parents would be idiots not to sell them on their website.

Camilla has even been spotted wearing loom bracelets.

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When Kate greets crowds, she will put on jewelry people made her as a gift because it’s a nice thing to do, especially with children.  It’s not just loom bracelets, sometimes she’ll coil a handmade necklace around her wrist a few times and wear it as a bracelet and sometimes she’ll hand the gifted tokens over to her assistant Rebecca Deacon.  Some of the handcrafted jewelry is super ugly, one time she walked around with something on her wrist that looked like it was made out of melted Barbie doll heads, but she seems to genuinely have a soft spot for things people have made for her, especially kids, or at least she makes it look convincing which is all that really matters.   The only story here is Kate Wears Kid Crafts.

I get it, it’s summer, the news is sluggish, it’s hot, everything is just so tedious.  But if we’re going to randomly blame Kate Middleton for stuff, we shouldn’t be accusing her of nefarious plots when she’s doing something nice.  Making kids feel special is the kind of behavior we should be encouraging.  If we absolutely need to blame her for something and there’s nothing else at the moment so we have to make it up, I’ve noticed I’m starting to get some upper-arm jiggle.  Sure, Kate’s not actually responsible for it, but someone has to be and I am utterly swamped trying to take care of all the other things that are wrong with me.

If we’re going to just make up stuff to criticize Kate for, you know what’s super-annoying about her?  She’s probably one of those women who knows exactly what exercise you have to do to get rid of unsightly upper-arm jiggle and she would show you.  Twice.  And the second time she would use the real names of muscles instead of calling them things like “the armpitoid” or “Steve”.  And those Kate-recommended exercises would of course involve free weights.  I pick up my free weights every time I clean my floor, that should totally be enough, it’s not like I’m trying out for the Olympics over here or anything.  I think the mere fact I own free weights should count for something.  So a week after the exercise demo, Kate would probably send you an e-mail with an attachment and you’d get excited for a second because you’d think maybe it’s pictures of Harry getting out of the shower but it’s one of those articles from a fitness magazine, 30 Days to Perfect Arms.  Whoa, what are we like friends now just because Kate showed me some exercise that to be honest I totally tuned out because, you know, ick, exercise?  Talk about needy.  Truthfully, I only brought up the arms thing because I thought maybe she knew the name of a secret magical candy that melted fat and toned muscle, if she’s going to be stingy with the names of stuff I totally made up just now, that’s a little selfish. I don’t think I want to be friends with someone who won’t share her non-existent candy.  Great, so Kate and I aren’t even friends, my arms are still jiggly, I’ve got no photos of Harry getting out of the shower and I still have to defend her about the loom bracelets.

We wanted the Duchess of Cambridge to do her duties which she appears to be fulfilling in appropriate knee-length duchess-attire.  On Monday she was spotted leaving a conference at the Royal Society of Medicine in London and on Tuesday she made a visit to the Blessed Sacrament School to check in on the progress of the M-PACT Plus program which helps families with addiction.

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I would like to think that the Duchess of Cambridge is addressing recent missteps and scandals and is trying to move forward in a positive direction.  I could be wrong, I often am, but I think as a society we’ve gotten so use to being critical of Kate recently it’s almost become fashionable to focus on her failings rather than try to be objective and acknowledge when she is successfully duchessing.  To me her recent efforts suggest she’s trying and because of that, I’m even going to let the bologna curls go this time.

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My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.

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When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.

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For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:

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The markers are:

1. The Vein –

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There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.

 

 

 

2. Mole #1 –

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Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.

 

 

3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.

 

 

 

4. Brows –

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There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.

 

5. Under-eye puffiness –

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This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.

 

6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.

 

 

7. Head scar –

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It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.

 

 

8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-

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Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.

 

 

Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:

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Or this:

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When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.

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Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.

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I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.

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