Tag Archives: Pippa

Kate Courts More Controversy

I feel bad, Kate Middleton has created two huge shiny new controversies for me to blog about and I didn’t get her anything.  But what do you get the girl who does next to nothing?  In honor of Kate’s new ass bodyguard, perhaps I should send the Duchmess a bag of M&Ms printed with a rendering of her bare ass?  I played around on the mymms site with a rendition of the Bild image ***Bare Bum Warning*** and Kate’s exposed rear on the candy that melts in your mouth and not on your hands would look something like this:


Of course, mymms probably has some rule against making ass candy.  Maybe her brother’s custom marshmallow company, Boomf, would do it, though.  Never hurts to ask.

Pretty much every media outlet is running the story that Kate Middleton will now have a “female minder” to stop her bared bum from being photographed.  There are so many things wrong with this story that I’ve been curious if this is some elaborate news prank because if it’s actually true, then the Royal Advisors have been secretly replaced with Androids by the Republican movement.  I can only assume Pippa was the prototype for these Androids.

Some media outlets are calling this female minder Kate’s butt bodyguard which is terribly inelegant.  I prefer bootyguard.  The bootyguard’s job will be to keep new photos of Kate’s bare ass out of newspapers, magazines and online.  So basically this bootyguard’s function will be to cover Kate’s ass.

Already I’m picturing some slow-motion movie sequence where this poor bootyguard sees Kate’s hemline lift with a breeze, turns and sees cameras poised, there’s a POV close-up of a photographer’s finger slowly bending as it starts to press the shutter release and the bootyguard yells, “Noooooooooooooooo” as she dives in front of Kate’s bared bum to take the photographic bullet.

Stories have been quoting The Star’s source, “Kate will now be watched all the time.  We can’t afford any more embarrassing photos like this.”

Kate, known as Kate Middlebum at Marlborough College because she would moon boys to become more popular, had an identical bare bum flash at the Calgary airport right after her wedding and several other embarrassing exposures in the three years she’s been a duchess.  By hiring a bootyguard, Buckingham Palace is admitting Kate is incapable of keeping herself covered.  So either she’s so incompetent, she’s unable to crack the correlation between windy conditions and lifted hemlines and/or incapable of putting on her own underwear or she’s an exhibitionist who gets perverse pleasure in exposing herself to strangers.  Whether the cause of the issue is incompetence or exhibitionism, apparently it’s so deeply ingrained that the recourse was a bodyguard for her ass.  The hiring of the professional ass minder of course means that when Kate exposes herself next time, there will be an appropriate scapegoat to blame since the wind has repeatedly refused to surrender itself to the proper authorities.

Most of us had already gotten all the bare ass puns out of our system so what Buckingham Palace has done is refocus our attention firmly back on Kate’s bum by creating this position.  There’s a whole new wave of internet ridicule, plus the occasional cheeky response from men who wouldn’t mind watching Kate’s ass all day like this one that appeared after a Jezebel story:


Another commenter remarked:


The bootyguard will also reportedly be employed for private and public outings.  Most of Kate’s outings are private ones, she logged only four official events this year before the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour marred by two separate flashing incidents and only one following her disappearance for five weeks out of the public eye.  The British media has restrictions with private photographs so really this around-the-clock butt watch seems a bit asinine.

Buckingham Palace is said to have given the response it doesn’t comment on security.  The classification of the bootyguard as security means that the position would be funded by the taxpayer, not the Royal Family.  So not only are Kate’s continuous indecent exposures the fault of what the Palace would like us to believe is a paparazzi/wind conspiracy, but now taxpayers have to pay the salary of an ass minder?  Seriously, did underwear even get batted around as an answer to the Commando Kate Dilemma?  Taxpayers also funded the nine person security team that protected the duchess when she broke an international boycott by attending her cousin’s wedding at the Dorchester, one of the properties owned by the Sultan of Brunei.

The Sultan of Brunei has recently enacted law to increase the punishment for homosexuality from ten years of imprisonment to death by stoning, amputation penalties for theft and the death penalty for adultery.  Outraged celebrities have been calling for a boycott of the luxury properties owned by the Sultan, including the Dorchester Hotel in London, The Beverly Hills Hotel (including the famed Hollywood hotspot The Polo Lounge) in Beverly Hills, The Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, Le Meurice in Paris and Coworth Park in Ascot where Princes William and Harry played polo this weekend.  Those who are boycotting properties owned by the Sultan include Jay Leno, Ellen Degeneres, Richard Branson, Ryan Seacrest, Stephen Fry, Clive Davis, Jackie Collins, Paul McCartney, Stella McCartney, Sharon Osbourne, Anna Wintour, Vogue’s editors and numerous others, including Kate’s soul sister Kim Kardashian.

The Duchess arrived to the wedding in a blacked-out SUV which drove into an underground parking lot where she snuck through a side entrance to avoid the press, perhaps hoping she’d get away with this without media catching on, after all she’s pulled off secret ski vacations.  Her security being upped from her usual four to nine shows how aware the Royal Family was about the effect of her presence would have at a hotel in the press because of its links to human rights violations and the added security concerns of being in a venue that has sparked so much outrage.  A Daily Mail source revealed, “The wedding was a big boost for the hotel.  It shows that the royals will not let the Brunei business keep them away.”

Her attendance was seen as giving her royal support to the Sultan’s hotel.  And taxpayers paid for five additional Scotland Yard protection officers, the price of Kate courting controversy.

Kate went to the Dorchester for her cousin’s wedding.  On the one hand, it’s family, but on the other hand it’s family and family understands.  My family knows I’m passionate about animal rights, education and gay rights and I stand by my convictions.  There are stores where I won’t shop and products I won’t buy if I’m uncomfortable with how the company does business or I’m bothered by how the product is manufactured.  Of all my boycotts, Barilla was the hardest.  The chairman made some anti-gay comments in September 2013 which they have since had to back-pedal on because of the consumer backlash.  It was hard to go cold-turkey on Barilla, there’s probably still grocery store security footage of me standing in front of the pasta section wailing, “Whhhyyyyyy????  Why do you have to be so closed-minded, delicious pasta makers?  Whhhyyyyyy?”  But I just couldn’t support Barilla, especially given that the few recipes I actually know how to make were taught to me by a gay friend.  The reason why people boycott products and services is because boycotting works.

As much as I disagree with Kate’s support of the hotel through her attendance, I find Prince William’s and Prince Harry’s attendance at the Audi Polo Challenge at Coworth Park even more reprehensible.  At least Kate had the courtesy to try to avoid being detected, the Princes openly engaged in the match.  At least I think sneaking in is better, honestly it’s really hard to tell anymore which is the worst of the worst, it’s like 50 Shades of Unconscionable with that family.  This isn’t the first time Wills and Kate have been linked to countries accused of heinous human rights violations, the Maldives where the couple vacationed earlier this year has been criticized for its punishing rape victims for the crime of pre-marital sex, its harsh religious restrictions and laws making homosexuality punishable by death.  In May Prince Harry also broke the ban on the Dorchester hotel by hosting the 10th anniversary of his Sentebale Charity there recently.  In March it was announced that lithographs of twenty of Prince Charles’ watercolor landscapes are earmarked to be displayed at the Dorchester Hotel as part of the revamp slated to be completed at the end of the year.  Really human rights violations don’t seem to be a big deal for the British Royal Family.


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Where’s Kate Excuse List

Congratulations, Kate Middleton.  You actually might be the most ridiculous human being on a planet that includes Kayne West and every single girl on I Wanna Marry Harry.

Despite Ralph Lauren’s obligatory PR statement reassuring the press that he was not upset over Kate Middleton’s no-show at his charity event last week, the story just isn’t going away.  Really, the last person in the world you want to piss off is a fashion designer because fashion designers are constantly surrounded by women who haven’t had a carb since hitting puberty so they have to be able to assert their dominance amongst the models, sort of like a lion in a pride.  Seriously, Google “Lion Fight Video”, that is more or less what Fashion Week looks like behind the scenes.

Apparently, the excuse William offered of Kate being home with George didn’t really fly because they’ve got a full-time nanny and the headless can’t jump to her defense because of the whole lack-of-head thing.  If Kate’s pregnant, it’s only been for a few days so Buckingham Palace can’t claim she’s suffering severe morning sickness.  And the whole divide and conquer explanation is inherently flawed if only one half of the divided whole actually does anything.

An article on express.co.uk suggests Kate’s been nowhere to be found because she’s been redecorating the couple’s country estate, Anmer Hall.  Except the article is really recycling pre-Vacation Tour news, citing a Turkish kilm purchase that was made in January and a March trip to Design Centre in Chelsea Harbour.   Even if the article isn’t a testing-the-waters piece of royal propaganda, it’s hardly a scoop when you’re digging through archives to support your claims.  And really, if you’re going to recycle past news as present, why not use a bigger story like the royal wedding that’s just happening now three years ago?  I don’t doubt she’s still focused on redecorating, but she’s already spent months shopping and working on Anmer Hall, offering this as an excuse as to where she’s been is ridiculous.

Here’s the thing.  If Kate actually did some work every now and then, she wouldn’t have to have people constantly trying to justify her lazy ways.  The bar is set so low right now, Kate could tell Pippa she really enjoyed reading her Telegraph column and that would count as charity work.

I sort of feel bad for the people who have to cover for Kate.  Not her husband of course who is enabling her, but the people in the press office who imagined their job would be a nice little cushy gig writing about corgis and tea.  In PR, you have to spin quite a bit of fiction, but I imagine the Buckingham Palace Press Office is getting dizzy from trying to make Kate look believable as a human being.  They’ve already exhausted all their go-to excuses so I came up with a Where’s Kate Excuse List they can chose from for the next time Kate insults someone with her lack of interest in pretending to care.

redheartbulletpoint Prince George had his mum swapped out with her Madame Tussauds wax statue as part of an elaborate April Fools joke but no one has noticed yet including Kate.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is really Banksy.

redheartbulletpoint Kate’s still checking local shops looking for the latest Fabergé eggs.

redheartbulletpoint She made a wrong turn at a portal and now she’s inside John Malkovich’s mind.

redheartbulletpoint Because of the discovery of Kepler-186F, Kate’s hard at work learning Klingon.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is filling in for the Grim Reaper who is on holiday because she’s the only one who can fit into the outfit.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is trapped inside an imaginary mime box that locks from the outside.

redheartbulletpoint She just realized Prince George’s nanny looks like Mrs. Baylock from The Omen and is sitting in her closet, refusing to go near windows.

redheartbulletpoint Kate’s working on a theory that cold fusion is possible if you add ice.

redheartbulletpoint Prince Harry was joking around playing “I’ve got your nose” with Prince George and now she’s super freaked out and still looking for it.


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Ten More Gracious Excuses For Kate Middleton’s Memphis Wedding No-Show

Kate Middleton opted not to attend the wedding of Guy Pelly and Lizzy Wilson in Memphis this weekend.  According to a “source”: “She appreciates the media storm her attendance would cause.  She’s also keen to avoid overshadowing Guy and Lizzy’s big day.”

How humble of Kate to assume all eyes would be on her and that her mere presence would be so overpowering that it would outshine the future King, recently single Prince Harry and the couple getting married combined.  I’m sure the bride’s parents are only attending on the off-chance they get to meet Kate.

Oh, Waity, why do you feel you have to remind everyone that you are the fairest in the land?  Don’t you have people to do that for you?  Or at least a magical mirror to make you feel special?  Even I have a magical mirror, it doesn’t talk, but it makes me look like a size 4.  We get it, you are exhausted from doing all those tedious 15 minute Royal Vacation Tour photo op events, you just want to stay at home in your palace where it’s cozy.  Please leave bitchy to the professionals, though, we do it so much better than you do.  Here are ten excuses you could have used to explain blowing off your friends’ Memphis wedding that would have sounded a bit more gracious:

1. Sorry, Darlings, Pippa’s gained almost a third of a pound, must attend the intervention.

2. Whenever Harry is single, he tries humping my leg, he’s already ruined two pairs of perfectly good hose.

3. Now that Prince George has nailed “Blue Steel”, we’re ready to work on his “Magnum”.

4. I don’t attend any events where someone else might be wearing a tiara.

5. Need to air out the Palace while Wills is away, see if we can get the stench of Rogaine and petulance out of the upholstery.

6. Even I can’t fake smile my way through Wills doing an Elvis impression, his hip swivel makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

7. I can’t be around Sweet Tea, my smile provides all the non-caloric sweetening I need.

8. The shine on my hair is so glorious, it is now refracting light and the rainbows keep attracting leprechauns and gay pride parades.

9. Charlene, Mary and I already made plans to ride past Cressie’s apartment in a carriage made of diamonds laughing.

10. Memphis?  Please.  They don’t even have a Real Housewives.



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Cressida’s Split with the Spare

So it’s official.  Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas have split, ending their two year romance.  Prince Harry tends to recycle girlfriends, so don’t count out a Harry/Cressida Sequel.

Various reasons are being cited for the split, initially it was because he wanted to settle down and she wasn’t sure she wanted to get married.  Then it was suggested Cressida was either too independent or too clingy.  Kate Middleton is thought to have played some part in the demise because of the candid conversation she had with Cressida and her disapproval of Cressida as a suitable potential duchess.  The latest theory is Cressida didn’t want to spring for the plane ticket to the Memphis wedding of Guy Pelly and Lizzy Wilson with their relationship in such an uncertain place and balked at the idea of being photographed at the Prince’s side at the head table during the wedding reception.  Even if the latest of the rumors are true, they are really just symptoms of a deeper underlying issue.  The one common denominator of all the rumors is that each wanted more than the other was willing to give.

Women tend to deal with break-ups a little better than men because we allow ourselves to mourn the end of a relationship.  Men on the other hand go out and try to prove just how okay they are by focusing on their single status, putting noise and distance between the heartbreak which only serves to delay the pain.

Of course, when we’re snuggled up in a giant sweatshirt, trying to fish out any remaining ice cream chunks from a pint of tear diluted melted ice cream, we like to think our ex is wrapped in a blanket, sniffing the sweater we left behind and remembering every single amazing thing about us.  But usually they are out with their buddies, toasting freedom, thinking about all the girls who will want to sleep with them now that they are single.  And eventually we get the drunken 3am “Baby I miss you so much” phone calls which our new boyfriends don’t find terribly endearing.

Women heal faster because we permit ourselves to feel pain and the emotional vulnerability.  We cry, put on the coziest clothing we own and we choose our wallowing song we keep on repeat which conveniently spares us from having to answer any inquiries as to how we are doing.  When we’re ready, we spill to our inner most circle of friends, from the emotional chaos we pull any detail that bubbles to the surface, sort of Break-up Turrets.

Like most women, Cressida has spent the days following the break-up with puffy eyes, wearing oversized garments like a soft tortoise shell and talking on the phone.


Like most men, Prince Harry set out to prove he was okay, appearing a bit insensitive in the process.  Blowing off the funeral of his stepmother’s brother, Mark Shand, Harry flew to Miami on Wednesday to participate in some pre-wedding festivities with friends.  During dinner he was seated next to a mystery brunette he was seen cozying up to for the remainder of the evening.  Some shots of the two of them were captured at the nightclub LIV, but were too grainy to identify the women.  The mystery woman was said to be tanned, not orange, so that at least rules out Pippa as Prince Harry’s possible rebound woman.


As Harry is well aware from his Las Vegas trip, the US has a free press so these Dirty Harry moments have a way of making their way into the news.  Sure, Wednesday night’s activities caught on camera three days after the split were far tamer than his Vegas antics, but it doesn’t make them any less disappointing from a post-break-up female perspective.

If Cressida needs something to cheer her up, she can take comfort in knowing that at some point, the British Ginger Prince (a.k.a. the Taylor Swift Trifecta) will probably be getting a call from Scotland Yard alerting him to the fact that the call from Taylor Swift is coming from inside the house.

And Cressida can think about this hysterical parody of Taylor Swift’s We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together and have a laugh knowing Taylor is probably already scoping out property near Kensington Palace.  They say living well is the best revenge but giant singing stuffed animals dancing outside the ex’s window and a pop/country album entitled Unhappily Ever After about Prince Harry probably feels good, too:



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My Fair Waity: The Real Real Girl

Recently a video was unearthed of a 11 year old girl Kate Middleton playing Eliza Doolittle in her school’s 1993 production of My Fair Lady.


When Kate’s performance initially popped up on sites like the NY Daily News on January 27th, in a flash it was gone, disappearing completely from the various outlets for a few days.  I assumed it was gone in some kind of scenario in which the Queen discretely touched the side her nose and suddenly black vans peeled away from Buckingham Palace, men in harnesses came down from ceilings in media outlets across the globe and before the Queen took her second sip of tea, a Corgi dropped a red feather at her feet, and the Queen drummed her fingers together while saying, “Excellent”.  But then a few days later, the video was back up on all the different sites.   It’s possible the whole red feather scenario thing happened but instead of strolling through the garden afterwards, Queen Elizabeth retired to the media room where she screened the play just to make sure no one had accidentally taped over part of the performance with the second half of Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  Beetlejuice.  I only watched a few seconds of Kate’s performance but just seeing her so young on stage made me think about how she’s come a long way from playing the role of a rough-around-the-edges commoner trying to fool high society into thinking she’s a lady, she’s got highlights now.

In My Fair Lady, phoneticist Professor Henry Higgins boasts to Colonel Hugh Pickering that he can pass even the lowliest unrefined woman off as Duchess.  Flower peddler Eliza Doolittle is selected for the wager, and her training begins.  A few days into Eliza’s lessons, her morally bankrupt father shows up and under the guise of protecting her interests, uses the opportunity to sell his Eliza shares so to speak to Higgins.  While the process in turning Eliza Doolittle into a lady is arduous, Higgins succeeds in convincing upper society that Eliza is royalty.  Expecting praise for her efforts, Eliza becomes incensed that Higgins has not taken her feelings into account at all and attempts to return to her former life but finds it no longer fits.  In the end, Higgins discovers he has “grown accustomed to her face” and Eliza realizes he does truly care for her after all.

From Eliza Doolittle to the Duchess of Doolittle, Kate stands on a much larger global stage now but there will always be the similarities between the woman she is now and the character she played.  Kate’s beginnings were slightly less humble as the middle-class daughter of a flight attendant and flight dispatcher.  When Kate was five, her parents started the online party supply store Party Pieces, as its success grew, so did the social-climbing opportunities.

Like Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Waity phonetically altered her speaking voice so it would sound like the more aristocratic Received Pronunciation.  In fact, her accent is now more posh than her husband’s who speaks with a more modernized version of Received Pronunciation which has eliminated the dipthong (the gliding vowel sound).  The evolution of her accent from middle-class to upper class happened while she was at Marlborough College.  According to one of Kate’s friends, “By the time she left Marlborough she sounded more posh than the posh girls.”  It wasn’t enough to just sound refined, her mother made sure Kate and her sister Pippa looked perfect down to the smallest detail.  By the time Kate ditched her Edinburgh plans and took a gap year so she would have a better shot at bagging herself a prince at St. Andrew’s, she was able to pass herself off as someone who would belong in Prince William’s circle.

In My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle’s motivation for duchess-training was a desire to be an assistant in a flower shop.  In this reality version I call My Fair Waity, The Duchess of Doolittle wanted to marry a Prince.  She succeeded and since Prince William put a ring on it, Kate has proven herself to be quite the Artful Dodger when it comes to work.

Kate only works on average thirty-five days a year, those so-called days usually are just a few hours, and that published total of thirty-five appears to have been padded.  I had been keeping track of Kate’s engagements through the Official Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Diary and there were only 22 at the end of December 2013 so either the person who maintains the calendar goofed and the mistake wasn’t caught until the beginning of 2014 or that number has been retroactively increased to make Lazy Katie seem less so.

Now, there are some Kate supporters who might say leave her alone, she had a baby in 2013.  Yeah, well so did a hundred million other women.  The pregnancy was a tricky one, not so tricky she couldn’t marathon shop, vacation and strut around in towering high heels, it was that rare kind of tricky that only affected work-related matters.

To explain away the lack of work since Prince George’s birth in July, the spin was Kate was going to be a hands-on Mom.  Despite the fuss they made that Kate wasn’t going to hire a nanny, her “hands-on” approach was handing baby George over to Jessie Webb, Prince William’s beloved nanny who was lured out of retirement to take care of the new Royal.  Ms. Webb gave her notice in mid-January so a new nanny is being sought for Prince George.

Don’t fret though, Kate’s live-in housekeeper Antonella Fresolone, who Kate nabbed from the Queen helps out with the bambino, and Kate has a private secretary, Rebecca Deacon, who can always scan Craig’s List for a replacement care-giver.  Plus Kate’s got an advisor, four personal bodyguards from Scotland Yard, a household orderly, and an assortment of other staff as a supporting cast.  So that whole thing about Kate being the dutiful wife taking care of the house and the baby and her man all by her lonesome?  Just one of the many fibs told for the sake of My Fair Waity’s image as Duchess.

Kate losing her press office is going to be a bit of a blow to the whole charade, in order to make it seem like she were doing more than the actual paltry 22-35 days, her image-weavers managed to turn a single event into a week’s worth of puff pieces about her heroically wearing the same dress twice, bending down to take flowers from a child, a “private” reaction leaked to show her emotion software had been upgraded to include sad, her being a fashion revolutionary by mixing costume jewelry with couture and that necklace selling out because of the Kate-Effect.

It’s laughable Kate Middleton is called “The Real Girl”.  Very little of what the public sees is actually real.  Pretty much every photo of Kate is PhotoShopped.  It’s been widely publicized that Star Magazine PhotoShopped a Baby Bump on her for a September 2012 cover to make it look like she was pregnant with twins and Gracia Magazine PhotoShopped her already tiny waist to look alarmingly smaller.  The public was outraged and yet almost every single other photo out there has been digitally manipulated, the only difference is Star and Gracia weren’t serving Kate’s agenda and all the prettied-up pics do.  To illustrate my point about all the PhotoShopped pics in a Love, Lola Exclusive, I randomly Googled Kate Middleton Alice Temperley black lace dress and found two very different-looking photos that are actually the same pic.


For the comparison, I matched up the size of her face, they overlap perfectly, the rest you can see is the work of those who professionally polish up Kate digitally.  In the left photo, her lips have been enlarged, more make-up has been added, her hair has been given more volume, her eyebrows have been made stronger, the shine on her handbag was removed and it looks like the PhotoShopper adjusted the color and contrast.  The backgrounds don’t match up exactly but it’s still the same photo of Kate, I believe the PhotoShopper of the left one most likely swapped out the background for one with less people and blurred the letters so Kate would stand out more.  Because of where her head hits in relation to the words, it looks like the background of the left one might have been taken a foot back from where the photo of the Duchess in the foreground was taken.  The reason I’m certain it’s the same exact shot of Kate is because of the lock of hair in the skin right above the “V” of her dress, the way her hair cups under her chin, where her bracelet falls on her arm and a bunch of other visual clues that would be of no interest to anyone but me and my fictional soul mate, Adrian Monk.  So is the one on the right the “true” pic of Kate?  Nope.  Her body has been shrunk in proportion to her head, a softening filter has been used overall (the details of the dress are less crisp than the photo’s background) to make her appear more youthful and the vein bulge that’s usually above her left eyebrow (on the right side as you are looking at it) is gone.

There are varying levels of retouching in almost all of the photos you see of Kate on the internet and in magazines, I’ve seen very few that didn’t have some help.  The way to tell how retouched the photo is by looking for her tell-tale markers which can be seen in this photo:


The markers are:

1. The Vein –


There’s a dark vein above her left eye (in photos, on the right).  It is very prominent when she moves her mouth in any way, it’s slightly less visible when she is expressionless.




2. Mole #1 –


Kate has a mole that lines up with the outer right corner of her mouth (left side as you’re looking at it) that’s a little bit below the apple of her cheek.  The reason this mole often disappears or becomes much less noticeable is because when she isn’t smiling, there’s a little saggy puffy patch next to it that ages her so when they minimize that, they minimize the mole. When she moves her mouth, the sag forms a triangle which they also blur out.

katecheeksagThat saggy patch near the mole when she isn’t smiling.



3. Mole #2 –

KateChinMoleShe has another mole that’s right above her jawline on the left side of her face (right side as you’re looking at it).  It fades if her overall face has been softened to look younger.




4. Brows –


There are stray hairs above her brows.  With all her grooming, she leaves those, I’m not the only one that bugs, her brows get digitally cleaned up quite a bit.


5. Under-eye puffiness –


This isn’t duchess or baby-related, it’s always there.  I have the exact same thing under my eyes.  Bag Twinsies!  The proper amount of sleep, diet and water will reduce it ever-so-slightly, smiling creates that prominent bag below, it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like the puffiness folds.

kateeyebagsShe has feathering I don’t which makes me think either her skin is more delicate or sun damaged, or it’s because I smile less because I’m dead inside.


6.  Large pores –

katelargeporesThe oily spots reflect light which highlights them.  I think her large pores get corrected the most because they always even out her skin tone, it’s a pretty easy fix.



7. Head scar –


It causes so much speculation that Kate has bad hair extensions, the Internet has to use its inhaler every time it’s spotted.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some UK law now that dictates it must be PhotoShopped out if it’s visible in pics which I wholeheartedly support.  No one should ever be unjustly accused of bad extensions, that crosses the line.



8. Forehead bumps and pockmarks-



Kate’s forehead has small bumps which are most likely acne as well as pitted scars from either pimples or chickenpox.



Normally the pics we do see are heavily PhotoShopped like this:


Or this:


When the below picture was published, the grays sparked a media firestorm about how old she looked.  Well, beyond the grays, this is one of those rare un-retouched photos. Kate-Supporters lashed back that she shouldn’t be judged for her appearance, they blamed the magazine for publishing a photo in which she looks unglamorous.  I agree, I think she should be judged based on her contributions to society beyond hair appointments and shopping trips, she just hasn’t made any beyond being a Womb with a View.  The media should stop PhotoShopping her pics so people know this is how she looks, a magazine shouldn’t be criticized for the truth.


Remember when the world had a massive freak-out about Kate’s Official Portrait, claiming it looked nothing like her?  Maybe that’s because very few have actually seen Kate without all the PhotoShopping.











I’m in no way attacking her beauty, I’m just pointing out that so much of what we see has been altered, repackaged or strategically crafted.  We’ve been sold a faulty fairytale, this definitely isn’t the same girl from the brochures, and more and more people are catching on.  My last post shattered my record of hits in one day in the first couple of hours.  Blogs like Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva have a very strong following.  I go there when I read those pieces that gush “Kate’s Just Like Us”, it keeps me from having to make Valium Smoothies which are a summer beverage obviously because of the frozen Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

While I’m on the topic of awesome Kate-objectors, I also want to thank the Facebook group Kate Middleton the evil witch which I just discovered posted one of my blog entries a while back.  I appreciate the support!  I’m not sure I personally would classify Kate as an evil witch, that would imply she uses her powers for something.

While most people credit this quote to Spider-man’s creator, Stan Lee, it was actually Voltaire who coined the phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  The power Kate has is the title of Duchess, the responsibility is known as noblesse oblige.  Noblesse oblige is a French term which literally translated means “nobility obliges”. It is both a call to action and a reminder of humility.  In society, nobility is not meant to merely enjoy the wealth and power of its position, it must use privilege’s bounty to help others.  Good fortune, even by birthright, is never a state of absolute entitlement.

Perhaps the issue is that in the middleclass Middleton social climb to the top, they forgot to instill in Kate the sense of duty she would need to have when she planted her flag at the top.  Maybe there is a reason after all that nobility must marry nobility, perhaps the desire to use power for good is not as universally inherent in humanity as one might hope.

Kate might look like a Duchess, and speak like a Duchess, but she does not conduct herself as a Duchess.  While William may have grown accustomed to her face, Kate’s going to have a harder time getting the world accustomed to her laziness.