Tag Archives: Prince Andrew

Princess Eugenie’s Engagement

On Monday, Buckingham Palace announced that Princess Eugenie will wed her boyfriend of seven years, Jack Brooksbank, in autumn of this year at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor.

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The engagement ring is a padparadscha sapphire surrounded by diamonds.

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The engagement happened in Nicaragua earlier in the month.  Eugenie’s mother, Sarah, Duchess of York, responded with an appropriate level of decorum on social media. Just kidding, she went totally bonkers.  It’s like her brain melted and whatever random words weren’t lost in the fire were attached to pictures of her daughter and future son-in-law.

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The first Tweet included this curious line.  “I am so excited to have a son, a brother and a best friend.”  Um, members of the royal family don’t do the super-incestous thing anymore where sons are also brothers.  Eugenie and Jack are supposedly third cousins twice removed which is really the closest any Windsor wants to get to his or her own bloodline otherwise the kids could be born chasing their own tails.  And is Sarah really going to stake best friend claims on her daughter’s fiance the day of their engagement announcement?  I mean, at least wait until #NationalBestFriendsDay to snake her squeeze.

For the second Tweet, Sarah noted, “I always say that the river flows well to it’s destiny because of the guidance of a solid rock.”  In addition to the grammatical error, the message isn’t entirely clear.  Is Sarah congratulating herself for being the rock that guided her daughter, the river, to her destiny, Jack?  If it’s destiny, then why does the stream need the rock if it was going to happen anyway?  Is it maybe a shout-out to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?  We may never know.

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Sarah followed up with another photo of the couple captioned with, “They float with laughter and love… although a boat helps!”

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Anyone with a basic grasp of physics knows laughter and love have nothing to do with why a person floats in water, it comes down to body composition or because he or she is a witch.

Sarah followed up that Tweet with another that said, “They make laughter and we feel the joy… thank you for the magic.”

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Magic?  Yup, Sarah just outed her daughter and future son-in-law as witches.  And she wasn’t even done.

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Wait, what?  That’s one dizzying carousel ride of pronouns.  And I hope the engaged couple signed off on that photo of Eugenie riding Jack like a horsey before Sarah shared it with the world.

The Daily Mail reported that Sarah was supposed to have an interview with the BBC but it was  canceled.  I’m just going to assume the Queen called the zoo and asked if they could have someone swing by Sarah’s and hit her with whatever tranquilizers they use when tigers escape.

In my experience, someone always goes off their rocker when planning a wedding.  Considering how loony tunes Sarah went with her own wedding arrangements, Eugenie won’t even have the option of the crazy one being her.  The British Royal Family may want to consider having a zoo attendant with a van full of tranquilizers on stand-by for the whole family because she’s baaaaaaack.  Sarah Ferguson is the mother of the bride.

Prince Andrew did talk to reporters on Monday, stating, “I can’t speak for the duchess but we… and for Beatrice… we are overjoyed that Eugenie and Jack have got engaged.”  How into being a royal do you have to be to refer to your own ex-wife and mother of your children as “the duchess”?  I mean, I know it’s technically correct, it just struck me as a bit odd conversationally, but it’s probably just me.

The Duke and Duchess of York may have their flaws, but no one could ever accuse them of not loving their daughters and wanting what’s best for them.  Jack and Eugenie seem very happy together and I hope they have a blissful road ahead.  For the sake of their sanity, I recommend eloping, but otherwise congratulations!

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British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

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