Tag Archives: Prince Harry

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Oh dear, it’s worse than I thought. Meghan Markle has crazy eyes.

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Crazy eyes are practically mandatory for marrying into the British Royal Family since Princess Diana joined The Firm.  Back in July, I pointed out the set on Kate Middleton which tend to happen when Prince William is paying attention to her whereas Meghan’s crazy eyes occur when she is gazing at the love of her life, the camera.

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Find someone who looks at you the way Meghan Markle looks at a camera. I really ship these two.

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I’m not the only one to notice the illicit affair Meghan is carrying out with the lens right under Harry’s nose:

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I guess it wouldn’t be a Windsor wedding unless there were three in the marriage.

On Thursday, Prince Harry and Meghan traveled to Wales where they did a walk-about, toured Cardiff Castle and visited the StarHub community centre.  They were over an hour late due to a train delay for which Meghan apologized with one of her exaggerated expressions straight from the Kate Middleton School of Over-Emulating Human Emotion.

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Meghan needs a master class, though.  Her apology expression and humbly overwhelmed expression are almost indiscernible (red arrows by moi).

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It may have been good enough for Suits, but taxpayers expect more.  I mean they rarely get it from the Royal Family but they do still expect it.

Meghan’s choice of attire proved controversial with the Daily Mail going so far as to claim, “Never has one outfit been designed to send so many messages”.  Is Meghan really using clothing to convey secret non-verbal communication?  That kinda sounds like something a tinfoil hat-wearing stalker would say to the police to explain what he was doing lurking in the bushes in a suit made of Velcro with duct tape roll bracelets and a bag full of kitty litter.  But then again, it is the Daily Mail so…
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I guess the Stella McCartney coat which resembles a robe and Meghan’s messy bun do sort of say “Fuck you, I want to be home in my jammies” but that’s basically my default mood so I’m not going to cast stones over that one.

Okay, maybe just one stone, really a pebble. With Meghan constantly brushing her hair away and touching her face at the last two engagements, she looks like she desperately wants someone to call her a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

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In addition to the messy bun, traditionalists were pearl-clutching over Meghan’s shoulder-revealing Theory top, her Hiut Denim jeans and mismatched earrings.

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I’m sorry, but after you’ve seen the Duchess of Cambridge prancing around in violently tight Heimlich Maneuver jeggings and the two tight-trousers princes showing off their pocket rockets, a pair of black denim jeans and a little extra shoulder isn’t that big of an eyebrow-raiser.  The bar has been set so low it’s now just a crevice in the Boulevard of Broken Protocol.  Granted Meghan’s attire wouldn’t fly in most offices except for maybe on Casual Friday, but I find Meghan and Harry’s hand-holding and whispering to each other during official engagements to be more unprofessional than some exposed clavicle.  The lovey-dovey demonstrative displays of these first engagements are a bit too much, they’re at work.  At any job, if you engaged in similar behavior with your significant other while on the clock, you’d probably be called into HR for a meeting about it because even if the boss gave you a pass, you know Janice from Accounts Receivable would say something.

Meghan appeared at ease chatting with the gathered crowd.

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For one fan, she wrote “Hi Kaitlin” on her pad, an action the press identified as a protocol-breaking autograph.  Since Meghan didn’t sign her name, I’m a little foggy as to why it would be a violation of a royal rule by someone who isn’t even royal yet, but judging by all the fuss, Caitlin can now take over the world with that scribbled greeting so hopefully she will only use her powers for good.

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Thus far, Meghan’s introduction to the Royal Family just seems like a reboot of the Fergie Years.  I’ve already watched this program and it wasn’t that great the first time around, plus I don’t have a lot of faith in this cast.

I do hope that Prince Harry and Meghan live a long blissfully happy life together and that she flourishes in her royal role but between the velocity of this relationship and Meghan’s crocodile smile, I can’t help but think the royal couple are like Tick-Tock and Captain Hook from Peter Pan.

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Hopefully the only thing Harry loses will be his hair.

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Tick-tock!

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The British Royal Family’s Gift of Unmethodical Madness

Normally this time of year, royal watchers just get to see slivers through car windows of members of the British Royal Family on their way to the Queen’s Christmas lunch at Buckingham Palace. This week, however, the Royal Family got all of us the gift of drama and there’s no gift receipt so it’s not like we can exchange it for something else like… I don’t know… maybe the absence of drama or even a baker boy hat so we can look cute while watching Apocalyptic levels of melt-down on Royal Twitter.

On Monday, @KensingtonRoyal released a creepy Christmas photo of the Cambridges.  Between Kate missing an arm, dead smiles, sterile background, an unconvinced George and the expression on Charlotte’s face warning us that the man with the bloody axe is behind us, it’s not hard to imagine why Lupo might not have wanted anything to do with this family portrait.

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On Wednesday, Princess Michael who is married to the Queen’s cousin, decided the perfect way to welcome Meghan Markle into the Royal Family was with a racist brooch.

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If Princess Michael didn’t have past incidents like yelling “go back to the colonies” at black diners at a restaurant in New York City and saying she couldn’t possibly be racist because she thinks black people are “adorable”, then it would be easier to cut her some slack.  Because really, who wears a racist brooch to meet a biracial woman?  Who would even own a racist brooch?  Jewelry should never be used for evil.  Someone needs to take away that woman’s tiaras while she thinks about what she’s done.

Even if you give Princess Michael the benefit of the doubt, there is basically only one scenario that would explain why she would ‘accidentally’ wear a racist brooch and that’s if she was thinking to herself, ‘I hope Meghan knows I’m not the racist my own words prove me to be, I have lots of black friends like that girl who brought me my coat that one time and… and… that blackamoor brooch. I know, I’ll wear the brooch to make her feel at home, maybe she’s descended from the slave it was modeled after. God, I’m such a good person. I should be Queen.’

Princess Michael has since pseudo-apologized through a representative who noted that it was “a gift and has been worn many times before.”  I did a quick Google search and couldn’t find evidence of past racist brooch outings (which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been worn before, it just means I gave up before finding the photos) but if it’s indeed had multiple wearings then why didn’t someone mention to Princess Michael that she might not want to wear such an offensive piece, especially since she has tons of brooches that aren’t?  Just a hint of her massive collection:

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While some people have managed to blame the incident on Meghan for being too black or not black enough, most aren’t buying that this was an innocent whoopsie:

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On Thursday, Kensington Palace Tweeted out a total of three engagement photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the third candid shot being shared as a thank you for all the lovely wishes.  They had been taken earlier in the week at Frogmore House by photographer hottie Alexi Lubomiriski.

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They are gorgeous photos of gorgeous people in a gorgeous setting, but I’m still not sure why in the second one, Meghan is touching Prince Harry’s face like she’s pretending she’s Mary Ingalls trying to get a sense of what her fiancé looks like.

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It just seems so contrived.  Normally photos of eyes wide shut are automatically tossed.  If eyes are the windows to the soul, is the message here that Meghan’s heart is closed to Harry until further notice?  If so, it sucks to be him, but maybe select another one from the photos celebrating their love.

And Harry wrapping Meghan up in his coat like he’s Mark Darcy with a new diary?  Colin Firth did it better.   Harry’s only got a couple of inches of spare coat fabric, someone who likes us just as we are would make sure his coat went around before referencing an iconic movie scene.

In the third photo, Meghan is hanging on Prince Harry, body language we’ve seen before in the pictures from Jamaica.  It’s a little bit needy, a little bit possessive and a little bit Mariah Carey.  I mean, Meghan looks like she’s literally dragging him down.  Alexi Lubomiriski is an insanely talented photographer and there’s no doubt they were given lots of amazing pictures to choose from so it’s interesting these were the photos they selected, the ones that spoke to them as a couple.

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In two of the three photos that were released, Meghan and Prince Harry look like they are dressed for two very different occasions with Meghan off to the Golden Globe Awards while Prince Harry is off to his job as a Human Resources Manager at a pharmaceutical company.  And does Harry just own that one suit?  Or is it like a superhero costume thing and he’s got multiples?

What really riled royal watchers up, though, is the price tag of the Ralph & Russo gown Meghan wore, estimated to cost £56,000 (around $75,000).

I’m of about 417 different minds on this and none of them agree.  It’s a stunning dress, Meghan looks glamorous and just ridiculously beautiful in it and she’s getting married, if you aren’t going to splash out when promising to spend a lifetime with someone then really nothing is worth celebrating.  But $75,000?  Holy fuck knuckles that’s an obscene amount of money for one frock.  The Palace said it was paid for privately but gave no information on who actually purchased it.  Meghan could have easily paid for it out of the $5 million or so she earned as an actress.  Prince Harry could have paid for it out of money he has inherited.  Or Prince Charles could have paid for it out of the Duchy of Cornwall which means technically taxpayers paid for it in which case every single resident of the UK should get to borrow it at least once.

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A gown that expensive seems a curious choice for someone who describes herself as a humanitarian because I don’t know how someone can reconcile knowing the dire conditions in which so many are living and such a lavish purchase.  It just seems a bit tone deaf to the fact that in her new country at a time of austerity, hard-working taxpayers are having to rely on food banks because they can’t scrape up enough money to feed their children while this winter tens of thousands in the UK will freeze to death in their own homes which they can’t afford to heat.  The gown’s cost raises the concern that Meghan might be going the Marie Antoinette route instead of becoming the Diana 2.0 her estranged half-sister Samantha and her former friend Ninaki Priddy claim she’s been plotting to become since childhood.  On the other hand, that gown is phenomenal so good for her.

As royal watchers were still fiercely debating Meghan’s engagement gown cost, on Friday the Daily Mail ran an article about Kate Middleton spending £119,000 ($160,000) on new clothing and accessories this year. That’s a whole lot of money for very little return, Kate’s numbers will be abysmally low again this year. Curious timing for the Daily Mail to run that piece.  With Meghan now in the fold, I think we’ll start seeing the press play all sorts of new reindeer games.

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When Harry Met Meghan

The big royal news is, of course, that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged to be married in May at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

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The wedding will be paid for by the Royal Family, the hefty security bill will be paid for by the taxpayer.  Alas, not all taxpayers are thrilled with all of the #RoyalEngagement details.

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The engagement interview that aired on Monday showed Meghan to be poised, confident and well spoken, certainly capable of handling the royal spotlight.  Both Prince Harry and Meghan appeared relaxed and enamored with one another in stark contrast to Prince William and Kate’s engagement interview which seemed a bit awkward and forced.

For some questions, though, Prince Harry and Meghan appeared to give answers that better suited the fairytale, probably decided by committee based on what tested highest in focus groups even though they hopefully didn’t need to “No, it was the Levi’s guy” this thing too much.

Unlike Prince William, Prince Harry did let others in on the engagement news which might be why it was a better interview and perhaps why the engagement happened to be announced when Harry was getting bashed around in the press for being a “spoiled brat”.

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The origin story of their relationship in the BBC interview was a bit vague on details but according to their answers was the result of a blind date that happened in May or June of 2016.  Likely Prince Harry and Meghan didn’t give specifics because according to The Telegraph, Meghan was living with chef Cory Vitiello when she met Prince Harry.  Meghan’s ex-boyfriend has gone the no comment route on whether or not Prince Harry, who was in Toronto in May, was the cause of their break-up.

Vague Timeline:

Meghan Markle: Oh it would be a year and a half, a little bit more than that?

Prince Harry: No just about – it would be about a year and a half yeah.

Also…

Meghan Markle: I don’t think that I would call it a whirlwind in terms of our relationship, obviously there have been layers attached to how public it has become after we had a good five, six months almost with just privacy, which was amazing.

Okay, Meghan possibly already being in a committed relationship doesn’t make for the most romantic of How I Met Your Mother scenarios but even if there was overlap, we don’t know what Meghan’s relationship with Cory Vitiello was like.  I think the important thing to remember is that there is a single attractive man out there who can cook.  If you ask me, Meghan traded down.  Prince Harry proposed when they were “trying to roast a chicken”.  If it were the chef proposing, that chicken would have already been roasted.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks:

During the interview Meghan claimed, “Given that I didn’t know a lot about him, everything that I have learned about him, I learnt through him as opposed to having grown up around different news stories and tabloids whatever else.”

As an American I want the make and model number of that BRF-free bubble because that sounds like a magical place in which to live.  Considering accusations made by family and friends that she has been plotting to marry into the British Royal Family because she wants to be the Second Coming of Princess Diana, you can sort of see why Meghan would deny the virtual inescapability of royal news here in the US. Meghan’s childhood friend Ninaki Priddy is the latest to claim Meghan connived her way into Harry’s heart and the British Royal Family, telling the Daily Mail, “It’s like she has been planning this all her life.  She gets exactly what she wants and Harry has fallen for her play.  She was always fascinated by the Royal Family.  She wants to be Princess Diana 2.0.  She will play her role ably, but my advice to him is to tread cautiously.”  Either Meghan’s family and friends are out to get her or she’s boiled a few bunnies along the way.  The stereotype of the femme fatale leading men to their ruin is sooo 2016, though.  And if Meghan really does fancy herself Diana 2.0, that means she’ll highlight good causes while finishing off the monarchy in spectacular fashion.  I’d watch that show.

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks:

When Meghan made the innocuous comment that Princess Diana was with them, Prince Harry jumped in with a “somewhere else” comment so fast that I’ve never been more sure that rumors about Princess Diana’s ghost popping up around her sons are all true.  The “somewhere else” distinction makes it seem like Harry was implying, ‘Obviously she’s in heaven or some other plane, but definitely not in our kitchen making butter levitate and questioning Meghan’s footwear choices, that would be crazy… hee hee crazy.  CRAAAAZY!’

Meghan Markle: She’s with us.

Prince Harry: I’m sure she’s with us yeah, you know, jumping up and down somewhere else.

If you thought your in-laws were bad, imagine one that can’t be ducked by not answering the phones and who doesn’t need a key to get in.  I’m going to comb through that engagement interview frame by frame to see if I can spot Princess Diana’s ghost making bunny ears behind Meghan’s head just because I suspect Princess Diana wouldn’t have thought any woman was good enough for her sons.

The one thing that gives me pause about Meghan is her leaving her rescue dog, Bogart, behind in the US.  The reason provided by Jason Knauf is that Bogart is too old to fly but according to Meghan’s own social media posts, he’s five, that’s like saying Meghan is too old to fly.

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Even if Bogart can’t fly, the voyage by sea would only take a few days.  I can’t imagine giving Nightwing up for any reason, we are a non-negotiable package deal.  In fact I’m presently not speaking with my mother because she suggested Nightwing isn’t really my son.  Not to go all canine conspiracy theory, but I wonder if the “friends” Bogart is staying with is really her chef ex-boyfriend who wanted Bogart in exchange for not selling his story to the press?  I’m trying not to judge Meghan and grant her the same grace period I gave Kate in which to disappoint me, but isn’t willingness to give up a rescue dog when you fall in love with a prince one of the signs of being a serial killer?  Hopefully there’s a plan to reunite Meghan and Guy with Bogart.  It just doesn’t feel like Meghan’s happiness could be complete without her furbaby.

On Friday, Meghan will be doing her first royal engagement with Prince Harry so she’s pretty much already in danger of surpassing Kate’s annual engagement total.

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And I know this is just another Daily Mail typo, but how awesome does Thor Christmas sound?

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I think we should live every day like Thor Christmas is about to happen.

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Still No Order in Kate’s Court

On Wednesday, the British Royal Family hosted a state banquet in honor of Spain’s visiting royals, King Felipe and Queen Letizia.

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Queen Letizia, in a red evening gown and Fleur de Lys tiara, full of elegance, poise and confidence, walked into the ballroom like she owned the place.

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Kate Middleton in a pale dusty pink Marchesa and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara, walked into the ballroom like she got separated from her Jane Austen Cosplay group and desperately needed to use the loo.

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Victoria Murphy’s article for the Mirror has lots of great photos.

Kate remains orderless more than six years into the whole duchessing thing.  The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor given to female working members of the family at Her Majesty’s discretion and Kate is the only working female royal without one.  Katharine, Duchess of Kent received hers during her first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  And Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  Considering how few engagements Kate does, perhaps the Queen isn’t aware that Kate is considered a working royal.

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For her sixth tiara outing, Kate went with the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara which infamously gave Princess Diana headaches, pairing it with Princess Diana’s Collingwood Pearl and Diamond Earrings.  Kate also wore a statement necklace on loan from the Queen which hasn’t been seen in quite some time, the King George VI and Queen Elizabeth Bandeau Necklace.

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Unlike many of Marchesa’s celebrity fashion victims, Kate chose to wear the brand on purpose.  The lace dress was a little bit bridal and a little bit OMG-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Kate.  I’m a little bit biased though because I don’t like Marchesa on anyone ever plus we’ve already seen so much lace on Kate, it’s clearly a cry for help, someone please get The Little Duchess Who Couldn’t  into fashion rehab.

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Kate’s matronly updo appears to be the work of Amanda Cook Tucker and Kate’s makeup looks like it was done by Skeletor.

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All artists paint themselves.

Kate was seated at the end, once again partially obscured by centerpieces.  And once again during the speeches, Kate appeared to be unfamiliar with the listening process, looking around to see what others were doing while the grown-ups talked.

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The state banquet was a first for Prince Harry who escorted the Marchioness of Cholmondeley into the ballroom and sat next to her for the evening.

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While there was no order in Kate’s court for the Spain state banquet, the courts of Wimbledon have been infested with Middletons.  With Kate now Wimbledon’s royal patron, Carole, Pippa and James have appeared a little extra smug with their royal boxiness.  While royal box seats are by invitation of the Chairman of the All England Club, clearly the Middletons are benefiting from their in-laws status. The Queen has done nothing, however, suggesting she is perfectly fine with the Middletons being the face of the modern monarchy.  Do you remember Princess Diana’s sisters?  Me neither.  But then again, they didn’t hire Posh Spice’s PR rep to keep them in the news.

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Pippa Middleton’s Wedding

On Saturday, one of the most famous bridesmaids of the last decade got to be the bride.  Pippa Middleton, also known as the other Wisteria Sister, married hedge-fund manager James Matthews in lavish royal-adjacent fashion.

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Pippa looked beautiful and blissfully happy, reminding us why we all love weddings, even ones we think we don’t particular care about until the media gently reminds us that apathy is not an option.

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I wasn’t particularly a fan of Pippa’s custom guipure lace gown by Giles Deacon and the Maidenhair Fern tiara.  With the lace, high collar, and molded feel of the bodice, it was a little too Victorian Wonder Woman as interpreted by Zack Snyder for my taste.

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But of course, after seeing how jacked Pippa’s arms are now, I wouldn’t say that to her face.

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The Daily Mail has a multitude of articles with a vast amount of photos of the wedding, including one in which you can sort of see Meghan Markle being driven to the reception by Prince Harry.  Her absence from the church ceremony almost overshadowed the bride on social media as royal watchers wondered if there would be a royal wedding in the not-so-distant future.

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Kate served as an unofficial bridesmaid to her sister, doing some flower girl and page boy wrangling. There’s a great photo of Kate shushing the kids that made the cover of the Sunday Express.

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Kate also helped with straightening her sister’s veil and dress.

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In quite a few photos, Kate appears to be looming behind Pippa like acid reflux.

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After the ceremony, Prince George had a little mini meltdown.  Reportedly, it was in response to Kate scolding him for stepping on Pippa’s train, but who knows.  He could have been cranky because he’s three and at a wedding.  Princess Charlotte had a couple of moments of being two at a wedding but she was two like a pro and quickly recovered.

The Duchess of Cambridge’s style is always soooo mother-of-the-bride and this dusty peach Alexander McQueen dress which she paired with a Jane Taylor hat and Kiki McDonough earrings was no exception.

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It’s totally WKRP in Cincinnati and not in a good way.

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I mean, come on, the actual mother-of-the-bride, Carole Middleton, looked more youthful.

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Although Carole and Kate both went so heavy on the blush, I couldn’t get Judy Collins’ version of “Send in the Clowns” out of my head.

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Send in the clowns
Don’t bother, they’re here

Seriously, the ladies of the Moulin Rouge didn’t wear that much rouge.

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Hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas

I noticed Kate’s rings were doing an awful lot of slipping.  She was wearing her eternity band so they shouldn’t have slipped that far up towards her knuckle.  Hopefully she’s okay.

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While the wedding wasn’t a royal union, the taxpayers still have to pick up the tab for security because of the attendance of the second, third, fourth and fifth in line to the throne.  St. Mark’s church was closed on Friday evening for security sweeps, as were various roads, including the one taken by James and Pippa to the reception in a Jaguar, doing a royal-adjacent wave to those who had gathered to wish the newlyweds well.

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Congratulations to the happy couple!

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The Return of Mental Health Midge

On Sunday and Monday, Kate Middleton managed to carry out three mental health-related events, bringing her yearly engagement tally up to seven.

While it’s important for mental health issues to be destigmatized in society, it’s hard for me to believe that this is a cause Kate and Prince William genuinely care about.  Kate looks stiff and posed at these engagements while Prince William’s default compassionate expression looks like he’s trying to suppress a belch.  In stark contrast, Prince Harry’s interest in mental health is unquestionably sincere, his mother’s compassionate light burns within him, at these events he communicates with ease and appears in touch with his own humanity.

At the January 17th Heads Together event at which Kate, Prince William, and Prince Harry gave one of their three-fer speeches, royal correspondent Richard Palmer noted after Prince William brusquely ignored the media two feet away on the way in and bolted for the waiting car on the way out:

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While I rarely comment directly on Kensington’s Palace’s Twitter posts, I felt it necessary to point out that Kate’s oratorical contribution at that event was difficult to understand.

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With the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge at these engagements, I am reminded of jesters and minstrels of yore who performed for royalty, but in this case, it’s struggling individuals reaching into their souls to pull out the most painful, raw and darkest parts of their being for examination by the royal family’s two laziest royals so there’s an illusion that they care, despite their consistently low yearly engagement totals suggesting otherwise.

On Sunday February 5th, Kate Middleton, Prince William and Prince Harry attended a Heads Together event, joining a London marathon training session at the Olympic park.

Kate, William and Harry participated in a relay race with Prince Harry winning the royal leg.

To be fair, Kate was wearing her tightest jeans to date.  Every stride must have felt like getting a Pap smear on a bouncy castle and her starting position suggested she’s still struggling with keeping within the lines in her colouring books.

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Prince William’s trousers weren’t exactly the most event-friendly either.  If anyone was wondering, the second-in-line to the throne went left with his penis on Sunday.

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Prince Harry looked like he inched his starting position slightly ahead to gain an advantage over his brother but he needn’t have bothered.  The man who beat Usain Bolt with some creativity easily bested his brother who looked like he either really wanted to win or was passing a kidney stone.

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On Monday, Kate Middleton and Prince William got an unusually early start and attended a Place2Be engagement at the Mitchell Brook Primary School.  The Kindness Assembly marked the beginning of Children’s Mental Health Week.

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Kate wore a repeat red Luisa Spagnoli suit and once again sported her Muppet Madness bared-teeth grin which I imagine haunts the nightmares of children and the monsters living underneath their beds.

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Kate presented a Kindness Award to a student.  Videos from the event looked like a commercial for Mattel’s Mental Health Midge doll which comes with a bathing suit under her official engagement attire for a quick holiday get-away.

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In the photo @KensingtonRoyal posted, Kate looked posed and awkward but she didn’t give them a lot with which to work.  She totally has Mattel arm in this photo.

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Kate also delivered a speech which sucked less than usual but still was difficult to follow at times and uninspired.  Rebecca English’s Daily Mail article included its contents if anyone is interested.

On Monday night, Prince William and Kate attended a Guild of Health Writers conference at which William delivered a speech.

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Kate wore an Oscar de la Renta suit out of which she styled the life with her same-old black suede court shoes, black clutch and black tights.  Seriously, why aren’t the Fashion Police a legitimate branch of law enforcement?  Kate should be arrested for suffocating this gorgeous Oscar de la Renta suit to death with bland accessories and forced to attend a workshop on styling and maybe do some community service since she is a repeat offender.

Monday also marked Queen Elizabeth II’s Sapphire Jubilee, making the Queen the first British Monarch to reach a 65 year reign.  Long live the Queen!

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Royal Romance Still On

There have been lots of rumors floating around that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle broke up before Christmas and he went to Norway  without her.

Emily Andrews of The Sun was kind enough to answer my inquiry about the swirling gossip and confirmed Meghan and Harry are still very much together.

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Emily Andrews got the exclusive that Meghan and Kate Middleton have finally met.  For real.  On January 10th.

I can’t imagine what Kate and Meghan chatted about.  Kate’s not exactly the gal pal type and I feel badly for whatever woman winds up with her as a sister-in-law.  While supposedly the meeting went well, I just keep picturing the 1988 film Heathers with Kate dragging Meghan out of ear-shot and telling her, “You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.  If I wasn’t the head of it, I’d want the same thing.”  Then in an attempt to bond with Kate over charity work, Meghan was probably told:

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Reportedly, Meghan gave Kate a journal as a birthday gift.  I can’t imagine what kind of deep thoughts Kate will fill it with, but maybe Meghan started it off for her.  Hopefully it wasn’t in Kate’s handwriting: “People think that just because you’re beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun.  No one understood, I had feelings too…”

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The Night Before Christmas


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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ Sandringham House,

Not a Middleton was stirring, not one single louse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

But none for Meghan Markle who wouldn’t be there;

The royals were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of taxpayer funding danc’d in their heads,

And the Queen in her crown, and Philip in his cap,

Probably muttered, “I’m too old for this crap”-

When all through the tabloids there arose such a clatter,

Prince Harry’s romance hardly a private matter.

Away to the press Meghan’s relatives flew like a flash,

Selling old photos and videos for quick easy cash.

The American actress on a scarcely watched show,

Was attacked on social media as a fame-hungry hoe;

When what on Blind Gossip should appear,

But a hinted campaign to portray Meghan as saint of the year,

With pr reps at the ready to lay it on thick,

That whole demure duchess candidate shtick.

Little had been known about Prince Harry’s new flame,

And rapidly she became 2016’s most Googled actress name,

A porn site had a 1430% increase in searches for the vixen,

Who has been called by some a modern Wallis Simpson:

“Divorced, American, sex scenes, not suitable at all!”

Critics proclaimed her social media posts took gall.

Instagram bracelets and the initials necklace really don’t fly,

For romantically involved adults in the public eye.

But at least Harry will be at Sandringham, unlike William and Kate, too,

Who will be spending Christmas at Bucklebury, breaking tradition anew.

But even as the Cambridges disappear out of sight,

It still won’t be as bad as when William made the staff watch Twilight.

holly

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

redheart

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The Duchess of Cambridge’s Deadly Poppy Field

Remember the scene from The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West nearly succeeds in offing Dorothy with the Deadly Field of Poppies?

poppyfieldoz

Well, McQueen has managed to capture that feeling of nearly dying in your sleep in a custom dress for Kate Middleton.  She wore it at a Buckingham Palace reception honoring Olympic and Paralympic athletes.

hellopoppydress

The print is from the 2017 Pre-Spring/Summer Collection.  Its original dress form is this:

mcqueenpoppydress

It also comes in a blouse.

mcqueenpoppyblouse

Sarah Burton likely realized the overdose potential of this poppy print and Kate should have just said no to it in this much fabric.  It’s so grandmotherly, it is possible the cut died of natural causes, but the toxicology report suggests foul play.  The Daily Mail article has lots of photos of the fashion crime scene.

An opium overdose at least seems like it would be a more peaceful way to go than the death-by-boredom the Cambridges are inflicting on royal-watchers.  I couldn’t even make it all the way through the Canada tour which was as exciting as looking at a neighbor’s vacation pics.  In Tom Sykes’ article What’s Wrong With William and Kate’s Tour of Canada? he discusses the global disinterest in a tour that fizzled before it even started.  Once again the Cambridge’s insisted on having their private events, shutting out a shrunken press pack for a wine tasting, a sail, and whatever else happened while I had nodded off.

As interest in the future king and queen consort wanes, the question remains, could Prince William and Kate possibly be this dull, or are they attempting to have the private lives with public figure perks they crave by boring the masses into a deep slumber?  Kate’s dress and hair so amped up with add-ons she looked like her own bobblehead doll suggest she wanted to stand out in a crowd of dark hues and normal-headed people, but maybe the Paper Doll Duchess just wants to be noticed on her own terms, when she’s packing poppies.

vm-kateinmcqueenpoppy

Fortunately for the Olympic and Paralympic Athletes at the Buckingham  Palace, Prince Harry followed behind Kate’s poppy field, so if anyone felt themselves glazing over from Kate’s small talk about George liking swimming, fencing and hockey and Charlotte already being an accomplished equestrian at 17 months, he could Glinda them right out of permanent sleep.  Not sure why gingers seem to get stuck with revival duties for the poppy-pickled, but long live Good King Harry because this whole Synchronized Head Tilt wouldn’t even qualify the Cambridges for the Feigned Interest competition at the Royal Olympics.

synchronizedheadtilt

redheart

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Oh No, Canada!

The Palace must really not want anyone paying attention to the Cambridge not-so-secret French getaway because shortly after it hit the headlines, Kensington Palace announced that William and Kate will be touring Canada in the fall, giving the press something else to write about and the public something else to focus on.

The invitation for the Cambridges to return to Canada had been publicly announced by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who bypassed proper palace protocol.  This is Justin  Trudeau so he gets a pass on his lapse in judgment of putting Canada through another Cambridge tour, at least in my book (Canadian readers might feel differently):

JustinTrudeauPM

It was a given the Cambridges were going to go, otherwise it would be seen as a slight to Canada with which the British monarchy wants to maintain a good relationship.  And  as Richard Palmer Tweeted on Wednesday:

RPCanadaTourConfirmation

No tinfoil hat is needed to see a correlation between the timing of the French getaway hitting media outlets and the Canada tour being officially announced by Kensington Palace.  There are several possible reasons to employ some good old-fashioned misdirection to divert attention, some of which may require Reynold’s Wrap headgear or at least wishful thinking, like maybe there’s a planned Jeggings Intervention they don’t want getting out.  A more likely reason, though, is the Palace doesn’t want the masses doing the math on this latest getaway.

Even privately funded royal holidays cost  taxpayers who foot the bill for security without ever seeing the amount.  Prince William and Harry’s trip to the US to attend Guy Pelly’s wedding cost UK taxpayers an estimated $84,000 according to an industry source cited in a Daily Mail article.

However, UK taxpayers aren’t the only ones covering security costs for private royal holidays, whenever the British royals travel, they arrange security logistics with local law enforcement.   As one comment from the aforementioned article noted:

DMAmericansPayingForRoyalSecurityComment

This screen grab from the same DM piece shows just one example of the police protection US taxpayers provided for the “privately” funded trip:

USPoliceProtectionforPellyWedding

Turns out taxation with representation isn’t all that great either.  We  don’t get to say of course we want Harry but please keep the petulant one at home.

Sadly, the Cambridges are high risk targets.  In light of the terror attacks against France and ongoing threats, local law enforcement is busy enough without the extra burden of allocating its resources to a private royal getaway.  Additionally the UK government warns on its foreign travel advisory page for France:

There is considered to be a heightened threat of terrorist attack globally against UK interests and British nationals, from groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria. You should be vigilant at this time.

Who booked this trip, Triple Whammy Travel?   Worst Case Scenario Tours?   I love France, it’s felt like a second home to me since the age of 16, I’ve spent more time there than any other country outside of the US.  But other countries are pretty cool, too.  Maybe the Cambridges could check one of those out.  According to Prince William, Kate came up with a travel wish list when they were first married, surely there are a few on there they can’t get taxpayers to fund under the guise of a royal tour.

There’s speculation about who actually went on this French getaway and either scenario reflects poorly on the Cambridges.  If Kate went alone, it undermines the argument that she can’t work more because of her children, but if the entire family went, two high risk terror target  future kings are diverting security resources away from a country under the highest terror threat level and in mourning because of  recent attacks.

Just to give a glance into the huge logistical nightmare Cambridge security is, I will once again quote a recent Herazeus comment:

Think about this…..when Kate goes home to Middleton Towers with George, all security resources in the surrounding villages are re-routed for their safety. All police have to be on high alert for the duration of her stay, ground (vehicles + mounted horse) and air patrol the area. All local hospitals and medical staff are also on high alert in case of emergency trouble.

Now imagine the level of security required in a France on high alert for William and George!!

Or to quantify it, the last time London was on high alert, Kate required 9 RPOs just to attend a wedding at the Dorchester Hotel in London which is a skip and a hop from BP/CH and their security arrangements.

In France, the British and the French will have to provide extra security so these numpties can holiday in safety, but why should they let a terror alert get in the way of their holiday plans?

I think Kate probably traveled to France without her husband and children so likely (and hopefully), the French only have one numpty to deal with.  The French paper’s “several sources” only saw Kate, but if Prince William, Princess Charlotte, Prince George and Nanny Maria were really on the private plane which seats 8 as has been suggested by the British press, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for their Royal  Protection Officers.   Additionally, only two SUVs met the plane according to reports which suggests one royal.  I guess it’s possible everyone scootched, maybe Nanny Maria and the kids went in one while Prince William and Kate were in the other, they just tied the RPOs to the roof like Christmas trees because the luggage for a family of four, a nanny, and their RPOs would take up the remaining interior space but there’s an upcoming Canada tour so we don’t have to think about how they worked out the SUV logistics.  Just know that magic exists, Muggles.

It would have to be one doozy of a spell, though.  This is the convoy when Princes William and Harry were in the US for Guy Pelly’s wedding.

PellyRoyalConvoy

Thank goodness the Canada tour was announced, otherwise we might feel obligated to count the SVUs and local law enforcement vehicles in the royal convoy.

The announced Canada tour will also help with annual engagement totals for Prince William and Kate.  On Thursday, Express ran a piece by Richard Palmer about the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry being ahead of last year’s numbers thus far but still behind Prince Philip.  Tours like the recent India/Bhutan one are an easy way for Prince William and Kate to get their numbers up without the terribly taxing pretending to care about stuff because travel to and from the tour host country and each destination within counts, as do the greetings.  There’s very little substance and yet each tour racks up dozens of official engagements.  So even with the benefit of one royal tour this year, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are still  trailing behind  Prince  Philip?  Seriously?

On Wednesday, Kensington Palace Tweeted that that the Cambridges have special memories from their first Canadian Tour.

KPCanadaSpecialMemories

I think it’s safe to say that tour holds special memories for royal watchers as well.  It was at the Calgary Airport that Kate had her first full bum flash as a duchess.  Call me sentimental, but I get a little misty-eyed just thinking about it.  Of course, that might just be burning from the image permanently  seared in my retinas.   But remember how we all thought it was a rookie mistake that wouldn’t be repeated?   We were so innocent and naive back then.  I miss that.

redheart

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