Tag Archives: Prince Philip

Cambridge to Nowhere

Once again, Prince William and Kate Middleton begin a new year being criticized for their lackluster performance and putting in far less work than other members of the Royal Family, including the Queen and Prince Philip who are in their 90s.  Prince William only managed 188 engagements in 2016 while Kate only showed up for 140.  The Cambridge’s numbers for 2016 are impressively low considering they undertook two tours which are big numbers-boosters because all of those airport greetings and “private” touristy experiences from which the press was banned counted as official engagements.

Since joining the British Royal Family in April of 2011, Kate has only undertaken a grand total of 484 engagements to date.  In 2016 alone, Prince Charles handled 530 engagements while Princess Anne had 509 so Kate still hasn’t cumulatively pulled off in almost six years what other members of the family manage in one.

The Daily Mail ran an article detailing how Prince William and Kate only do half the work Prince Charles and Princess Diana did at a comparable stage in their married lives when they were raising young children.

Not surprisingly, the public was reminded on Friday Prince William has another job he pretends to do sometimes with a series of photos taken by the same photographer who managed to track down the future king on the job last year when the press and public were grumbling loudly about Work-shy William.

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Prince William’s contract with East Anglian Air Ambulance  ends in March, the fact that he’s still in the co-pilot seat shows he puts in as much effort there as he does with his royal role.  It’s not that big of a deal, though.  Most air ambulances just have the one pilot, the government had to purchase a special helicopter for EAAA so Prince William could play co-pilot because he was unqualified for the job.  Once William decides he wants to be a cowboy or open a fake psychic detective agency, the EAAA just has to make a minor software adjustment to switch their air ambulance freebie back to a one pilot helicopter.  Or Prince William may decide to extend his contract, after all he’s able to dictate his EAAA schedule claiming royal duty while using the job as an excuse as to why he can’t do more royal engagements.

Something seems off about these photos in the Daily Mail piece.  Maybe it’s just Prince William’s stiff posture as he tries to emulate someone who does stuff or his getting the EAAA photo op out of the way so early in January that’s throwing me off, but there are two side by side pictures where the foliage doesn’t seem consistent at the same portion of the tail boom.

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Of course it could just be the angle.  Just like the strange violet hue at the top of William’s head could be explained by lighting conditions.

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But it got me thinking.  It’s hard to juggle both holidays and PR photo ops.  I mean, those poor Cambridges have to fit in both sandy beaches and snowy slopes not long after their time off at Christmas.  Instead of going through all the trouble of having to go work and try to remember what it is he supposedly does so it can be captured by a photographer like Geoff Robinson, why don’t they just shoot Prince William in various poses against a green screen?  That way he can easily be dropped into heroic scenes while he’s working on his tan or hitting the slopes or playing video games in the Fortress of Solitude.  Then whenever there’s word of a taxpayer torch and pitchfork mob forming, the Palace Press Office can release photos of Prince William in various heart-warming scenes like rescuing a box of kittens…

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Saving the Earth from an asteroid…

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Defeating the Kraken…

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Or even diverting attention away from any of his wife’s future flashing with a Marilyn moment of his own.

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Since Kate rarely speaks and when she does, she’s difficult to understand, they can try to beef up her numbers by having her assistant carry around a life-size cardboard cutout of her to her various patronages and see if anyone even notices.

Of course, the Cambridges might just opt to send everyone in the UK a photo from their next holiday with the message “We’re just not that into you.” especially since Prince William (the future Head of the Church of England) and Kate skipped sending out a Christmas card this year. (Instead they mailed out a photo from the Canada tour thanking those who sent them warm holiday wishes.  Other royals adhered to tradition with Prince Harry’s holiday card featuring children of an Invictus Games veteran while Prince Charles’ and Camilla’s holiday card included a photo from their Croatia tour).

Prince William and Kate deciding to spend Christmas at Bucklebury for the second time, a year after they skipped the Queen’s Christmas lunch in order to host the Middletons at Anmer Hall, suggests they don’t really feel strongly bound to the Royal Family or its traditions.  While there have been no repercussions, even the Royal Family must be wondering about the future of the monarchy under William the Reluctant.

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2016 Diplomatic Reception

Tonight was the Diplomatic Reception held at Buckingham Palace and while normally royal watchers just get the backseat Bentley shots, this year a formal portrait was taken of the three generations of the British Monarchy.

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The Queen is wearing the Royal Family Orders of King George VI and King George V, Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Prince William are in the Order of the Garter, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is wearing the Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II and Kate looks like a little kid who wandered into the shot, still with no royal order and her crotch clutching preserved for posterity.  Poor Kate, always in some state of disorder.

The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II is an honor bestowed on female members of the British Royal Family at the Queen’s discretion.

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Being born royal or marrying into the family doesn’t guarantee the Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, it is an honor that is earned.  Princess Diana and Katharine, Duchess of Kent received theirs during their first year of marriage.  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester received theirs during their second year of marriage.  Sophie, Countess of Wessex received hers in her fifth year of marriage.  And after 5 1/2 years of marriage, giving birth to an heir and a spare, Kate, a future Queen Consort, is still playing the Waitying Game.  I guess Kate’s Christmas chutney wasn’t impressive enough to nab that Royal Family Order from the Queen, but maybe McQueen can bedazzle her an Order of Bad Bespoke so she can have something shiny to wear at the Anmer Hall Fortress of Solitude while filling in all that duty-ducking time with her Secret Garden coloring book.

Of course, Kate has had very few occasions to even wear a royal order.  This is only Kate’s fifth time in a tiara.  She wore the Cartier Halo tiara on her wedding day, the Papyrus Lotus Flower tiara at the 2013  Diplomatic Reception and 2015 State Banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping, and the Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara to the 2015 Diplomatic Reception which was repeated again tonight.

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The Jenny Packham gown Kate wore tonight was also a repeat from the State Banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping last year.

So while the Palace gave the public an unprecedented Diplomatic Reception portrait, once again we get nothing from Kate that we haven’t seen before.

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Oh No, Canada!

The Palace must really not want anyone paying attention to the Cambridge not-so-secret French getaway because shortly after it hit the headlines, Kensington Palace announced that William and Kate will be touring Canada in the fall, giving the press something else to write about and the public something else to focus on.

The invitation for the Cambridges to return to Canada had been publicly announced by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who bypassed proper palace protocol.  This is Justin  Trudeau so he gets a pass on his lapse in judgment of putting Canada through another Cambridge tour, at least in my book (Canadian readers might feel differently):

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It was a given the Cambridges were going to go, otherwise it would be seen as a slight to Canada with which the British monarchy wants to maintain a good relationship.  And  as Richard Palmer Tweeted on Wednesday:

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No tinfoil hat is needed to see a correlation between the timing of the French getaway hitting media outlets and the Canada tour being officially announced by Kensington Palace.  There are several possible reasons to employ some good old-fashioned misdirection to divert attention, some of which may require Reynold’s Wrap headgear or at least wishful thinking, like maybe there’s a planned Jeggings Intervention they don’t want getting out.  A more likely reason, though, is the Palace doesn’t want the masses doing the math on this latest getaway.

Even privately funded royal holidays cost  taxpayers who foot the bill for security without ever seeing the amount.  Prince William and Harry’s trip to the US to attend Guy Pelly’s wedding cost UK taxpayers an estimated $84,000 according to an industry source cited in a Daily Mail article.

However, UK taxpayers aren’t the only ones covering security costs for private royal holidays, whenever the British royals travel, they arrange security logistics with local law enforcement.   As one comment from the aforementioned article noted:

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This screen grab from the same DM piece shows just one example of the police protection US taxpayers provided for the “privately” funded trip:

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Turns out taxation with representation isn’t all that great either.  We  don’t get to say of course we want Harry but please keep the petulant one at home.

Sadly, the Cambridges are high risk targets.  In light of the terror attacks against France and ongoing threats, local law enforcement is busy enough without the extra burden of allocating its resources to a private royal getaway.  Additionally the UK government warns on its foreign travel advisory page for France:

There is considered to be a heightened threat of terrorist attack globally against UK interests and British nationals, from groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria. You should be vigilant at this time.

Who booked this trip, Triple Whammy Travel?   Worst Case Scenario Tours?   I love France, it’s felt like a second home to me since the age of 16, I’ve spent more time there than any other country outside of the US.  But other countries are pretty cool, too.  Maybe the Cambridges could check one of those out.  According to Prince William, Kate came up with a travel wish list when they were first married, surely there are a few on there they can’t get taxpayers to fund under the guise of a royal tour.

There’s speculation about who actually went on this French getaway and either scenario reflects poorly on the Cambridges.  If Kate went alone, it undermines the argument that she can’t work more because of her children, but if the entire family went, two high risk terror target  future kings are diverting security resources away from a country under the highest terror threat level and in mourning because of  recent attacks.

Just to give a glance into the huge logistical nightmare Cambridge security is, I will once again quote a recent Herazeus comment:

Think about this…..when Kate goes home to Middleton Towers with George, all security resources in the surrounding villages are re-routed for their safety. All police have to be on high alert for the duration of her stay, ground (vehicles + mounted horse) and air patrol the area. All local hospitals and medical staff are also on high alert in case of emergency trouble.

Now imagine the level of security required in a France on high alert for William and George!!

Or to quantify it, the last time London was on high alert, Kate required 9 RPOs just to attend a wedding at the Dorchester Hotel in London which is a skip and a hop from BP/CH and their security arrangements.

In France, the British and the French will have to provide extra security so these numpties can holiday in safety, but why should they let a terror alert get in the way of their holiday plans?

I think Kate probably traveled to France without her husband and children so likely (and hopefully), the French only have one numpty to deal with.  The French paper’s “several sources” only saw Kate, but if Prince William, Princess Charlotte, Prince George and Nanny Maria were really on the private plane which seats 8 as has been suggested by the British press, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for their Royal  Protection Officers.   Additionally, only two SUVs met the plane according to reports which suggests one royal.  I guess it’s possible everyone scootched, maybe Nanny Maria and the kids went in one while Prince William and Kate were in the other, they just tied the RPOs to the roof like Christmas trees because the luggage for a family of four, a nanny, and their RPOs would take up the remaining interior space but there’s an upcoming Canada tour so we don’t have to think about how they worked out the SUV logistics.  Just know that magic exists, Muggles.

It would have to be one doozy of a spell, though.  This is the convoy when Princes William and Harry were in the US for Guy Pelly’s wedding.

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Thank goodness the Canada tour was announced, otherwise we might feel obligated to count the SVUs and local law enforcement vehicles in the royal convoy.

The announced Canada tour will also help with annual engagement totals for Prince William and Kate.  On Thursday, Express ran a piece by Richard Palmer about the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry being ahead of last year’s numbers thus far but still behind Prince Philip.  Tours like the recent India/Bhutan one are an easy way for Prince William and Kate to get their numbers up without the terribly taxing pretending to care about stuff because travel to and from the tour host country and each destination within counts, as do the greetings.  There’s very little substance and yet each tour racks up dozens of official engagements.  So even with the benefit of one royal tour this year, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are still  trailing behind  Prince  Philip?  Seriously?

On Wednesday, Kensington Palace Tweeted that that the Cambridges have special memories from their first Canadian Tour.

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I think it’s safe to say that tour holds special memories for royal watchers as well.  It was at the Calgary Airport that Kate had her first full bum flash as a duchess.  Call me sentimental, but I get a little misty-eyed just thinking about it.  Of course, that might just be burning from the image permanently  seared in my retinas.   But remember how we all thought it was a rookie mistake that wouldn’t be repeated?   We were so innocent and naive back then.  I miss that.

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Royals at a Regatta

On Sunday, Prince William accompanied Kate Middleton to Portsmouth to watch the final America’s Cup World Series competition before the America’s Cup takes place in Bermuda next year. With Australia’s and Italy’s teams withdrawn, there will only be five teams challenging Oracle Team USA at the America’s Cup.

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The wind quickly devoured Kate’s blow-out.

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The gusts revealed shorter under layers in Kate’s hair which suggest that she likely had a fresh batch of longer extensions added to her mane.

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Both William and Kate wore matching Land Rover BAR shirts.

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Kate chose to pair hers with some jeggings that looked like surgical extraction might be required to remove them.

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Kate smiled through it, though. Because, Ben Ainslie. No one loves sailing that much, even Ben Ainslie.

After the photo op with children being introduced to sailing through the 1851 Trust and a technology tour, Prince William and Kate took to the waters to cheer on Ben Anslie’s team from a Land Rover BAR catamaran.

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Kate appeared far more enthusiastic than Prince William.

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In case you didn’t catch that last pic, their facial expressions would be represented by very different emoticons.

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Ben Ainslie’s team finished on top.

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The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge handed out the awards, affording Kate one of her few one-on-one moments with the very dreamy sailor as she presented Ben Ainslie with the team trophy.

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Alas, husbands and races always seem to get in the way of quality Hello Sailoring.

Afterwards, Ainslie popped his cork and sprayed his teammates with some celebratory champagne.

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And the Cambridges took their helicopter home.

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Not really sure what the point of the Cambridges attending the event was, other than being a nice little jolly like so many of their official engagements. On Friday, the Admiral of the Royal Yacht Squadron, Prince Philip, already paid a visit to Portsmouth. Ben Ainslie is known for his focused intensity during races, so I doubt the awkward clapping of a duchess on another catamaran gave him the extra push to victory. In fact during Saturday’s competition, Ainslie’s team won two out of three races, which tied them with France for first place going into Sunday’s second half. Maybe there was some kind of secret contractual agreement with Land Rover which has poured millions into this America’s Cup bid that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would be photographed at the event in their Land Rover-branded clothing. Who knows.

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Back to the Future Heir & Hair

Lately I’ve  been a little  quiet on the topic of Prince William and Kate, there are only so many ways you can describe beige paint drying.  The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge seem far less into the whole being royal thing than the ninety-year-old  monarch who endlessly shows up in my Twitter feed at various engagements.   But here’s a  little catch-up.

Queen Elizabeth II has said, “I have to be seen to be believed.”  According to an April 20th Telegraph article, the only color “she avoids is beige, which does not allow her to stand out in a crowd”.   In contrast, Kate appears to go to great lengths not to even stand out on her own beige couch.  Except of course when it counts.

On Saturday June 11 at Trooping the Colour, Kate managed to make her way  to the front of all the royals waiting to join the Queen and Prince Philip on the balcony.

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When  Kate stepped out on the balcony, she wound up causing a pile-up as she vied for a  prime spot.  Prince Charles had to take Camilla by the hand and gently ease her to the side.

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Because what’s the point of going to Trooping the Colour if you can’t be seen  on the balcony?

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Kate’s efforts not to be obscured because of royal protocol paid off for her.

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For the Trooping  the Colour celebrating her 90th birthday, Her Majesty wore  a nuclear  green coat and dress by Stewart Parvin and matching Rachel Trevor Morgan hat.

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It was the hue equivalent of the toon-killing Dip in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and the vat of chemicals  that turned Red Hood/Jack Napier into Batman’s nemesis The Joker.

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That’s kinda badass.  And the Queen did go a little Her Royal Honey Badger on William on the Trooping the Colour balcony, reminding William that taxpayers do expect to see members of the Royal Family.

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At the Order of the Garter on June 13th, royal-watcher Jennifer @Chic_Happens_ noted that after five years, Kate was finally taking standard royal precautions  against  the elements.

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Given how long it’s taken, did perhaps the Queen have a stern word  with the Serial Flasher?

Her Majesty is known to take a laissez-faire approach to running her family.  With the revelation this week that scandal-prone Andrew took a £5,000  helicopter ride to play a round of golf with the World Bank president (added to the Court  Circular the day after the press inquired about it), the Queen really needs to go full-on honey badger with certain members of her family.

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One of the Queen’s black patent leather loafers should be aimed at the heir to the heir. At a June 22nd EACH charity gala, Prince William could barely hide his boredom.

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EACH-2While Kate still can’t hold a wine glass properly, at least she didn’t look like she deeply resented children with life-threatening illnesses for making gala attendance necessary.

The event was part of the efforts to raise £10million for a new hospice in Norfolk launched in November 2014.  To date, only a quarter of the goal has been reached.  In contrast, a May 27th CNN article indicated Ben Ainslie had already reached £50 million of the £80 million target for his bid to win the America’s Cup.

Both William and Kate looked like a lifetime has passed since Kate  last wore the blush pink Jenny Packham gown she had on at the EACH gala back in 2011.

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How hard  is it being royal?  It’s not like the Cambridges do a whole lot of royaling  anyway.   At the Battle of Somme tribute, they looked like a couple that sits on porch rockers with blankets tucked  around them as they forecast the weather by the aches  in their joints.

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They are 34  years  old, the same age as Anne Hathaway and Eddie Redmayne, William’s Eton classmate.

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In this screen grab side-by-side, the picture of Anne was taken one month  after she gave birth.

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Kate is a fashion pendulum swinging in between sexy and elderly.  At the Battle of Somme tribute, Kate sported a hair net which have only been worn by cafeteria workers and fast food employees in the last 80 years.

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On Wednesday Kate glammed it up at the National History Museum, presenting the Art Fund of the Year award.  She wore a  stretch jersey dress with mesh insets by Barbara Casasola.

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I love this dress and thought it looked gorgeous on Kate.  Not sure what the two buttons are, maybe Kate had panic buttons installed on her bum.

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This level of cling on me would provide the kind of visual horror that would forever haunt anyone who happened  to see me in it.  This dress is not cellulite-friendly but on Kate it looks great.

The off-the-shoulder dress had a  front zip which added both an element of  sexiness and sportiness to it.

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According to Rebecca English’s Daily Mail piece, Kate accessorized with a pair of pink heels that were so high, she wobbled in them.

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And  these were some of the expressions Kate wore in the pics from the same article.

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I would take this entire blog down in exchange for whatever pharmacological grab bag Kate’s got her hands on.  I mean drugs are bad, kids, stay in school.

Kate was back to what she does best on Thursday, sitting in the Royal Box at Wimbledon and meeting celebs.  The Sun has a photo from her Venus Williams Snapchat video, pics of some of the celebs with whom she rubbed shoulders as well as an amusing comparison between Kate and Sansa, listing Kate’s occupation as “Mum of Two”.   It’s always refreshing when the media doesn’t try to pretend she does much in the way of duchessing.

Hope all of you are having the loveliest of summers! Thanks to all who have inquired about me.

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Kate Keen in McQueen

On Sunday February 7th, Kate Middleton finally reported for duty for 2016.

The event marked the 75th Anniversary of the RAF Air Cadets of which  she is now Honorary Air Commandant, an appointment she took over from Prince Philip in December.

Perhaps to prove she knew the  event was for some  kind of military-type flying thingy, Kate wore the Alexander McQueen coat in Military Blue she debuted on the 4th day of the New Zealand tour, the one that reminded me of a Pan Am coat from a time when flight attendants were called stewardesses.

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Kate’s dolly-curled hair was curiously longer than the three quarters of an inch it should have grown since her December chop.  Did Santa give someone shiny new hair extensions for Christmas?  Kate’s hair was so long in fact, it kept covering up the Dacre brooch which had  been awarded each year to the best female cadet and given to Kate to wear upon its retirement.  Now that the best female cadets receive the Dacre sword just like the male cadets, it was only fitting the brooch should be worn by a duchess who is the embodiment of a modern woman of the 19th century.

Kate on February 7th on left and on December 9th on right

Kate on February 7th on left and on December 9th on right

Kate’s hair wasn’t  the only sudden change, her skin seemed to have obtained a deepened glow since January 10th that one would not typically associate with British winters.  Of course,  between PhotoShop, lighting and equipment variables, such a comparison isn’t exactly conclusive evidence Kate was able to make a Caribbean escape, but Our Fair Waity does seem to be less fair in the photos the Daily Mail ran.

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Kate Middleton on February 7th on left and on January 10th on right

The most striking difference was Kate’s thick black magic marker eyebrows which to the casual observer might look like Kate confused a pencil case with a cosmetics case, but could also indicate Kate has been afflicted with Muppet Madness.

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Of course, with Kate being so keenly keen on keenness, she couldn’t wait to get to this year’s first event on February 7th and took the Queen’s helicopter from Anmer Hall for Sunday’s RAF Air Cadet event at a cost  the Daily Mail estimated to be £3,000 (around $4,318  USD) while the Queen traveled back to London the same day via train at a cost of £54.90 (around $79.03) for her first class ticket.

The Queen prefers trains to helicopters and I can see why she wouldn’t  want to helicopter-pool with Kate but this is one of those examples of the additional costs that came with the Anmer move.  By car, the trip would have taken Kate around  two hours and fifty minutes each way but if the Queen can take a train for an hour and forty-four minutes, then why can’t her grandson’s wife who is so keen on being a stay-at-home Mum?   Instead of a lazy duchess taking an environmentally unfriendly helicopter ride to the first official engagement she could be bothered with this year, perhaps that money could have been better applied to say the upkeep of those crumbling palaces and castles  which is supposed to come out of the Sovereign’s Grant.

If the so-called “thrifty duchess” didn’t want  to commute, she shouldn’t have moved out to the country. At this rate, the monarchy will fall into a state  of complete disrepair before the crumbling Buckingham Palace will.

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Kate Middleton’s Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, Kate Middleton celebrated her 34th birthday.  According to Royal Correspondent, Emily Andrews, she spent her birthday pheasant hunting with Prince William and friends.

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Yeah, that’s kind of like when the guy you’re dating suggests taking you to a strip club for your birthday and buying you a lap dance because he thinks that would be so hot and so you dump him.  Except Kate actually went pheasant hunting.

On Sunday, the Middletons accompanied Kate on the walk to St. Mary Magdalene Church with Prince William, two of Princess Charlotte’s godparents, James Meade and Sophie Carter, Prince Philip, the Queen’s cousin, The Honourable Mary Morrison, and Penelope Eastwood, joining Her Majesty for Church Services.  Well, isn’t that special?!

Kate wore the same Michael Kors suit she wore to church services on December 27th almost identically styled.

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Normally, you would see this sort of suit with tissues tucked up the sleeve  and accessorized with compression stockings and reading glasses dangling from an eyeglass chain, sort of the unofficial uniform of celibacy.  Kate looked liked she was in dire need of being ravaged by something other than time.

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The photos in the Daily Mail are pretty gruesome, so are most of the comments.

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The brutalness of remarks about Kate’s rapidly aging appearance was exceeded only by criticism over the increasing presence of the social-climbing Middletons basking in a status that is not afforded to in-laws.

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Back from their St. Barts getaway, James wore his somewhat tamed furry face monster and Pippa a fur hat.

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Likely, Pippa’s fur hat was borrowed from Kate since Pippa’s skinned animal corpse cranium cap resembles a microphone windshield.

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Pippa’s hat on Sunday bore a striking resemblance to one Kate has worn several times.

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Carole decided to wear her fur around her neck.  I’m not sure what is more disturbing, the Middleton’s fondness for bloodsport and fur, or Carole being so visibly excited about Walking with the Windsors that the world now knows what the Middleton matriarch’s orgasm face looks like.

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Kate did follow royal protocol on Sunday by curtseying to the Queen.  At least, the Daily Mail identified whatever this was as such.

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When Kate’s heel got stuck on St. Patrick’s Day 2013 in a grate, she executed a better curtsey, even if accidentally.  Then again, her head was bowed in reverence because it was her shoe after all.  Perhaps Her Majesty would get a little more respect from the duchess if she came in suede.KateStPatrick'sDay2013

In addition to Sunday’s curious curtsey expression, I still can’t figure out if a chunk of Kate’s hair fell out somewhere along the way or if it’s just the way the light is hitting it giving the appearance of a bald spot.

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After church services, Kate’s family departed before a brief memorial ceremony commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the tragic Gallipoli campaign during which several soldiers who had worked at Sandringham died.  According to the Daily Mail, Kate’s family, “walked straight back to Sandringham House after church with other members of the Royal party.”

For the Middletons,the Royal party never seems to end.  Perhaps maintaining a sense of entitlement keeps the royal hang-over away.

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British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

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Kate Doesn’t Mind The Gap

I’m a little worried about Kate Middleton.  Not so worried this post will be devoid of all snarkiness, just concerned enough to entertain the notion that maybe the Duchess of Cambridge might be struggling with more than just tan lines, or that maybe those tan lines sadden her more than we will ever know.

Despite having only worked 4 of the last 110 days, Kate seems to be one lifeless Poppet recently, her face is strained, she’s been clenching her jaw, she’s fake-smiling like a normal person and not a radioactive comic book supervillain named Pageant Girl, and she’s frugally shopping again.  On Monday while the Queen, Prince Philip and Prince William unveiled statues of Windsor Greys, Kate went shopping at The Gap.  And she bought Prince George these pants:

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Prince George isn’t tall enough yet to be able to carry off horizontal stripes, this is totally going to make him look hippy.  Kate knows better than that.

When looking at photos of the weekend wedding Kate attended with Princes William and Harry, I noticed what appeared to be dark tear streaks on Kate’s cheeks, so I asked for a second opinion on Kate Middleton: Duchess or Diva.  Herazeus answered, “The first thing that struck me before you brought this up, is that she has streaks down the side of her face consistent with streaked mascara that’s been running when a person cries.”

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Kate flipped on the smile switch for pictures, but the dark streaks became even more evident in more light.

Now, it was a friend’s wedding, people sometimes cry at those, but usually that happens during the wedding.  Guests usually don’t get in a pre-cry.  At least I don’t, I’m usually too preoccupied with trying to avoid Spanx-related near-death experiences.

I commented in my last post that Prince Harry was walking behind her in a lot of the weekend wedding photos, maybe using Kate as a human shield.  The more I think about it, though, the more I suspect Captain Harry Wales had her six.

In the family portrait taken on March 18th and released over the weekend, even with a level of PhotoShopping making her look like she’s her own Madame Tussauds wax figure, there’s a lot of tension in her jaw.

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This is her usual Duchess smile:

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Her smile in the family photo is almost a grimace in comparison.  Why so sad, girl?

Now, Kate’s always been a bit work-shy, something the Queen attempted to address back in 2008 without success.  I can’t imagine the Queen hasn’t noticed that when Kate leaves for the Australia/New Zealand tour, she will have only averaged one official engagement a month for the past four months.  That’s shocking even for a woman whose nickname is Lazy.  Has Kate perfected ducking Duchess Duties or has she been given a Duties-Free pass because something is amiss?

This year it seems like there have been more Bigfoot sightings than Duchess Catherine sitings.  Maybe Kate’s ultimate goal is to get her official engagements down to one a year and if she sees her shadow, it means there’s six more weeks of winter.  There are all sorts of rumors on the internet hypothesizing about her disappearing act and why she seems like a shadow of her former shell lately.  They range from speculation that she is still suffering from postpartum depression to marital problems to her starting to crack under the pressure of expectation that came with the title.  As much as I criticize her for not being involved in more charity work, I don’t want to see her unhappy.

The Australia/New Zealand Tour should be interesting.  She’s got appearances on fourteen days with only three rest days.  Even though for most, what she’s got scheduled is akin to our level of activity while on vacation, this girl hasn’t done any real stretching to prepare her.

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Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance

I feel robbed, and not in the way I at least get to talk to cute cops in uniform.  In the biography, “Kate, The Future Queen”, Daily Mail reporter and author, Katie Nicholls, reveals that the love story of Kate Middleton and Prince William wasn’t as fated as dropped books at St. Andrews University and a sheer black dress on a catwalk.  Basically the duchess nabbed her prince by stalking him.

Dubbed “Waity Katie” by the press, Kate Middleton infamously held on for eight years after she met her prince until he popped the question.  Except the timeline spans a few more years now following the revelation that prior to attending St. Andrews, Waity Katie told her friends that she had already met Prince William “once or twice”.

According to the new biography, Kate Middleton planned on attending Edinburgh until it was announced that Prince William would be taking a gap year before attending St. Andrews.  She ripped up her Edinburgh acceptance letter, took a leap year to be in Prince William’s class and then reapplied to St. Andrew’s to increase her chances at shagging and bagging the prince.

Ewww.

I’ve never understood the media’s fixation with Kate Middleton but I hoped she might one day prove she was more than just the “cold, dull, serious girl” Prince William’s friends described her as.  Despite being disappointed in her work ethic and cringing at some of her idiotic comments, I still wanted this to be a wonderful story about a girl destined to marry her true love, not a girl destined to use tactical maneuvering to increase her chances at nabbing HRH status.  There was a moment during her wedding when she looked at Prince William with crazy eyes and I thought, maybe there’s a personality in that candied shell after all, maybe she really was a girl madly in love with the man she was marrying.  Given recent reports, I suspect at that moment she couldn’t believe she actually pulled it off.

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How did she pull that off, anyway?  Her dizzy comments have led many to wonder just how bright the future Queen Consort is.  During a viewing of her wedding dress at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, the Duchess with the Art History degree asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.  In addition to admitting she doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea, she has proven she can’t even string together a coherent tea-related question, inquiring during an appearance at Fortnum & Mason: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”   When shopping for a birthday gift for her husband this year, Kate also appeared thwarted by the concept of pens being cylindrical, telling a store clerk she was looking for “a really beautiful pen for a man who is left-handed”.   She doesn’t seem to fare much better reading words from a teleprompter.  The delivery of her first public address earlier this year for Children’s Hospice Week was painfully awkward and despite the piece being edited, her mispronunciation of the word “palliative” was not corrected.  One might question why no one spared her that embarrassment.

A story was leaked last year that the Queen referred to Kate Middleton as the Duchess of Doolittle, calling her vain, vapid and lazy.  Normally I would be skeptical of reports citing the Queen as the source, after all, a trusted confidante gossiping to the press would be a betrayal and the Queen isn’t known for being overly trusting.  However, I have no trouble believing the Queen intended for those critical comments to be slipped to the media in hopes Kate would work on improving herself as a representative of the Royal Family.  Like those nude patent pumps Kate always has on, it’s merely a matter of time before her shine gets scuffed and she is perceived of as worn and tired.  The Queen is a highly intelligent woman who knows a lot about longevity in the public eye.

When women marry into the Royal Family, there always seems to be a period of media adoration in the first few years before the ensuing backlash of the press growing bored with its own creation.  The story of a commoner marrying her prince might ultimately backfire against the monarchy, after all, if anyone can be royalty, why does Great Britain need the Royal Family, especially since they have been nothing more than figureheads since the 17th century and UK taxpayers are funding a good chunk of their extravagant lifestyles?

There is tension within the Royal Family already about Kate not being a blood princess, rumored to have been started when the Queen issued the Order of Precedence, decreeing that when not in the presence of William, Kate must curtsey to the York Princesses who are royalty by birth, not marriage, and to Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, regardless of whether or not Prince William accompanies her because she is married to the first in line to the throne.  Both Kate Middleton and the York Princesses are accused of using Mean Girls tactics against each other.  According to one report, Kate Middleton invited Princess Beatrice to a party, not telling her of the dress code, then publically humiliated her for not being properly attired, one of the reporters in attendance was said to have found Princess Beatrice crying in the bathroom.  Then Princess Beatrice’s sister Princess Eugenie was believed to have introduced Prince Harry to his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas in retaliation for Kate’s hostility to the York Princesses.  The matchmaking effort was thought to be an effort to make Kate jealous because Prince William left Kate for Cressida’s gorgeous half sister Isabella in 2007.  Waity Katie allegedly took William back under the condition he never see Isabella again, a promise that would be impossible to honor if Cressida and Prince Harry got married.

I don’t doubt that there will be an increasing number of those wondering why Prince William was permitted to marry such a common girl as the public grows bored of Lazy Katie’s superficial aspirations.  The clips from Prince George’s christening provided interesting insight into the Middleton influence on the modern monarchy.  Both Kate and her sister Pippa seemed to reinforce their presence within the Royal Family by matching their beige outfits to Prince George’s christening gown.   Sort of a “We’re here.  We’re beige.  Get used to it.” fashion statement.   While the christening of the future monarch is a private affair, traditionally foreign dignitaries are invited because the monarchy understands its role in the global community.  The slight extended to other members of the Royal Family.  Citing a desire to keep the christening an informal affair, all but five Senior Royals were excluded from the guest list.  Only the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, the Duchess of Cornwall, and Prince Harry were invited.

While the christening was said to be the duke and duchess’ modern approach to the event, the informality seemed an affront to royal tradition and etiquette.  After awkwardly greeting the Queen, Kate had to fumble a forgotten curtsey to Prince Philip.  I know that seems like a minor point to most but royals takes the gesture of respect to senior royals seriously, it is why the Queen established the Order of Precedence.  Some might point out that I improperly refer to the Duchess of Cambridge as Kate, Kate Middleton, Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle, Duchess of Lamebridge, Sock Puppet and the Duchess of Dull, and that would be a fair point.  However given the aggressive measures she took in order to nab the prince, it’s safe to say she pursued the pomp and ceremony of being married to a royal and therefore signed on for the etiquette whereas my critical bitchiness is part of my nature and thus obtained by more honest means.

I do think that the Palace takes note of public criticism of Kate in order to try to avoid the mistakes made by other women who married into the family.  In attempt to lessen the pressures on the Duchess By Design, they gave her a grace period, but Kate settled too comfortably into averaging a mere thirty official royal appearances a year compared to the four hundred or so the eight-seven year old Queen knocks out annually.   Kate initially announced she would be the patron of four charities and announced three more this year for a whopping total of seven in the three years since she married into the Royal Family.  Her father-in-law Prince Charles is patron to more than four hundred charities.  It’s unlikely Lazy Katie will become more ambitious during this next year, the Palace announced that Prince William is taking a “transition” year between leaving the Royal Air Force and assuming his royal duties full-time.  Which probably means more vacations for the Duchess of Doolittle and the global snickering that follows such announcements.

One of the things I noticed about the footage from Prince George’s christening was that Kate didn’t seem to have bonded with George, when he was in her arms and not in her husband’s, she carried him like he was one of her accessories purchased on High Street instead of her son.  Two days after the christening, another photo was released, this one showing Kate actually looking at her son.  It was noted that the picture was taken at the same time of the others, an interesting comment that made me wonder if it was staged after-the-fact or if so many others had noticed a lack of motherly affection at the christening, that showing a tender moment was deemed necessary for Kate’s public image.

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Ultimately what bothers me about Kate Middleton is that along with all semblance of a personality, she has been stripped of ambition to be anything other than what she is, someone who is trying to pick and chose what royal duties she wants to go with her title.  She is a woman who sacrificed her dream of attending Edinburgh, all of her plans that didn’t involve the prince as well as the truths of own her love story which she revised and respun to be more palpable.  She is a fictional character, of her own creation, further molded by the press’ fascination and the cautious hands of the Royal Family’s Bootcamp training her so she doesn’t damage public perception of the monarchy like Princess Diana did.  I think the royal bride with the crazy eyes would be far more interesting than the Duchess with the pageant smile, if there’s any of her that has survived the constant lacquering.  Perhaps the reason Kate doesn’t do more charity work is because in rewriting herself for her prince, she has lost touch with her own humanity.  But Kate could prove to be the perfect Duchess by Design, after all, when her shell starts to crack, it’s quite possible we’ll discover she’s totally hollow, with nothing inside of her that could be an embarrassment to the royal family.

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Love,

Lola