Tag Archives: Prince William

The RMS Windsor

The ocean liner The Titanic was thought to be unsinkable, until of course it sank, the iceberg it hit compromising five of its sixteen watertight compartments, one more than the ship could withstand.

The British Monarchy may no longer be viewed as unsinkable, but it survived the annus horribilis, Diana’s death and Hurricane Fergie, albeit with damage to the hull, so what exactly did it hit for it to be taking on so much water recently?  Or did someone release the Kraken?  I hope not, I love a good Kraken release party.

Currently Compromised Compartments:

The Queen – Her Majesty is rarely publicly criticized, most respect her dedication to duty. The woman is 91 and still keeps an impressive schedule.  But the revelation of the Paradise Papers that the Duchy of Lancaster was tied to the offshore tax haven scandal hasn’t cast the Queen in the best of lights.

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The Queen voluntarily pays an undisclosed sum in taxes but the scandal reminded people how cheesed off they are about their taxes going to pay for the massive Buckingham Palace repair and renovation money pit project and not truly knowing how much the Royal Family costs them because of a lack of transparency.

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And of course this week the chairman of the Duchy of Lancaster was knighted by the Queen.  But no photos of that knighting were allowed so it’s almost like it didn’t happen, except it did.

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But at least we sort of know what it would look like… if the chairman were Julie Walters.

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Prince Philip – There’s not much anyone would begrudge the recently retired royal, but really, the first thing he does with his freedom from duty is have a new kitchen put in?  What is it with this family and new kitchens?  Couldn’t he just borrow one from Seven Kitchens Kate?  After all, she’s been helping herself to some of Buckingham Palace’s kitchen staff, allegedly causing some to quit due to being over-worked.  The Palace claimed there’s nothing unusual at all about the amount of employees jumping ship, just regular turn-over, nothing to see here.

Prince Charles – Whoopsie, those pesky Paradise Papers again, this time a bit shadier.

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I doubt there was any intentional impropriety, but Charles gets so focused on achieving his objective, he develops tunnel vision.  Because of this revelation, there is a call for greater transparency with the finances of the Royal Family which they try to keep shrouded in mystery.

Prince William – The avid hunter and supporter of trophy hunts gave a speech for Tusk warning of the dangers of over-population while his wife is pregnant with their third child.  I hope his speech writer, presumably still Jason,  just hates him and he really isn’t that oblivious.

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Kate Middleton – Okay, I don’t think I have a clear grasp of how this life-threatening Hyperemesis Gravidarum works because for Kate’s first solo event back after the September 4th announcement of her pregnancy, Kate showed up in workout gear and participated in a tennis workshop on Halloween.  Did Kate have the 24 hour kind of Hyperemesis Gravidarum?  Either call it what it is, regular morning sickness which is still terrible or do a better job committing to the con, that’s all we ask.

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Kate has done two engagements recently, a gala at Kensington Palace for The Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families on Tuesday night and a Place2Be forum on Wednesday where she gave a speech.

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Tuesday’s black lace dress we’ve seen before, Wednesday’s was new.  And ugly.

Kate’s Place2Be speech included this line, “As a mother just getting used to leaving my own child at the school gates, it is clear to me that it takes a whole community to help raise a child.”  For fuck’s sake, the entire staff she has helping to raise her children didn’t clue her in?  The brief speech ended with “And I’m looking forward to learning even more today.”  Um, as patron should she really be highlighting her eternal pupil approach to charity work where it’s all just a learning experience for her or is she finally acknowledging that she does nothing behind the scenes to prepare for her engagements?  But she did give a speech which happens just about as often as Bigfoot is spotted riding The Loch Ness Monster.

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But back to the Duchess Who Cried Keen.  Royal correspondent Richard Palmer ran some numbers on Tuesday and out of Kate’s 33 engagements in the UK, only 3 were outside of London (in a separate Tweet, Palmer estimated Kate’s done 40 events on tours, not counting take-offs and landings).

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Considering Kate’s only got about five weeks until her winter holidays, it looks like she might have some difficulty breaking double digits again for her annual event totals, despite the padding for official engagements she’s already received.  That would make it five years out of seven Kate failed to do even 100 annual events.  The Palace better figure out a way to boost her numbers by year’s end, after all, Kate and William were both supposed to be stepping up to reduce the burden on the 91-year-old monarch and her retired 96-year-old consort.

Kate finally received her first honour since joining the Royal Family, the Tuvalu Order of Merit which was created to commemorate the Cambridge’s visit to the sinking island in 2012 and for helping to raise awareness for climate change which was approved by the Queen.  Does Kate even know what climate change is?  Does she think the climate is now wearing nude court shoes and jeggings because of her?  Or did Kate and William promise to try to squeeze everyone into one private jet on their next ski holiday?  The medal, created by Major David Rankin-Hunt and made by the British company Gladman & Norman is kind of the Fisher Price of medals, as can be seen in this Daily Mail article, the design is very simple and looks like it’s made of stainless steel.  Perhaps the Queen wants to make sure Kate doesn’t swallow any of the pieces before even considering giving her The Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, which every other working female member of the Royal Family has except Kate.

Prince Harry/Meghan Markle – There is still a lot of public opposition to this potential union.  I suspect the imminent engagement idea is being pushed by the media because Kate’s about as exciting as watching someone watch paint dry and just isn’t selling magazines and generating clicks anymore.  While Prince Harry and Meghan have been dating for a year, they’ve been calling different continents home, they’ll probably want to live together for a year or so before making any decisions about marriage.  Unfortunately for Meghan, public perception was always going to be an uphill battle because of statements made by her half-sister Samantha at the beginning of their relationship which she recently denied making on Good Morning Britain and others in Meghan’s life.  I saved this since the summer, I think CanadianGoose may be a reader.

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All families are dysfunctional, however those of royal girlfriends are expected to stay out of the news, just like the Middletons didn’t manage to do.

Being an actress is a tough road to travel, it requires qualities some dislike about Meghan.  Those same qualities would translate well into the role she would be expected to play, however.  As an actress, Meghan isn’t exactly Meryl Streep so to have made it as far as she has takes tenacity which means she actually might survive joining that family.  As much as I criticize Kate, I also feel badly for her, it’s as if all the life has been sucked out of her (someone who knew her prior to marriage described her personality to me as a “negative void”, but even so, at least she looked like she had a pulse).  Meghan might actually have a shot at self-preservation.

The problem with Meghan is the same question that was raised when Kate married Prince William: if anyone can be royal, what makes the Royal Family special enough to justify being funded by taxpayers?  The days of marrying cousins to preserve the blood line are over.  The Confession Sessions of Princes William and Harry have left some taxpayers yearning for the days of the stiff upper lip and the second in line to the throne and his possible future queen consort Kate have marketed themselves as “just like everyone else”.

Prince Harry seems to have received all the royal magic which is the problem with hereditary monarchies.  Here he is from Thursday’s Field of Remembrance event.

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Ultimately does it matter with whom Harry jumps into the water as The RMS Windsor sinks?  It’s going down anyway, but at least with Prince William and Kate Middleton suddenly honoured champions of climate change, the water won’t be so bad.

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Dancing Queen Joins Princes to Meet Paddington Bear

On Monday, Kate Middleton proved she will show up for an event she’s not even scheduled to attend if there’s a celebrity she gets to meet, even if it’s a guy in a Paddington Bear costume along with the rest of the cast and crew of Paddington 2.

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People has video of Kate dancing with Paddington. I’m not sure how a woman allegedly suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum managed to be twirled around like that but I almost threw up just watching it and I’m definitely not pregnant.

There are a couple of possible explanations for Kate going from bed ridden in the care of doctors at Kensington Palace to Dancing Queen.  The first is that Kate probably just had regular morning sickness but the Palace Press Office declared it Hyperemesis Gravidarum to make Kate sound like a brave little trooper to give the rather dull duchess something that seems like a personality trait. The second far more credible-sounding excuse is that Carole Middleton has Kate locked in a dungeon somewhere and has assumed her identity because what woman in her thirties would look this frumpy on purpose?

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With all the Single White Femaling that’s been happening in that family, it’s pretty much inevitable Carole will wind up in the Queen Consort role.  It’s always been just one, “Does this bottle of chloroform smell strange to you?” away.

And what is the deal with the trousers on the two princes? Are they in some kind of competition to see who can show off the family jewels the most?  Are they trying to make the Pants Package a fashion trend?  There are children from your charities present and I don’t think showing off your trouser trout is how you look after Paddington Bear.

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Day 5 Poland/Germany Royal Bore Tour

On Friday, the Cambridges’ tour of Germany and Poland passed away peacefully in its sleep.  It was five days old.  The tour is survived by Kate Middleton’s Poland/Germany wardrobe which cost a grand total of £26,000 ($33,787.00 in USD) according to an article in the Daily Mail.

To my surprise Friday’s Twitter hashtag #DAMNTour had nothing to do at all with Cambridges.

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Friday was an even lighter day than the rest of this ridiculous farce of a so-called “Brexit charm offensive” with Prince William and Kate Middleton checking out the Maritime Museum, stopping by the Elbphilarmonie Concert Hall where Kate was invited pick up a baton and play conductor and visiting Airbus where Prince George got to tour an EC 145, just like the one Prince William sometimes shows up to co-pilot for East Anglia Air Ambulance when he needs the PR.

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Doesn’t the UK have Take Your Son to Pretend Work Day?

The excitement was too much for Prince George who spontaneously morphed into a Hummel figurine in a nod to the host country.

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Kate wore a custom Emilia Wickstead dress in lavender, which is a terrible color on her.  No amount of clown blush could keep Kate from looking washed out.  Kate matched her dress to Prince George’s shirt and her raspberry Anya Hindmarch clutch to Princess Charlotte’s dress.  We get it, you’re together.

Some say Charlotte threw herself on the tarmac as part of a temper tantrum, but I’m sure somewhere a conspiracy theorist is convinced she was pushed.

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In honor of Prince George’s birthday today, Kensington Palace released a portrait of George taken by Chris Jackson, the photographer husband of Kate’s assistant/stylist Natalie Archer.

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I’m still not sure what the point was of this whole Germany/Poland tour, but I think Kensington Palace should have a contest and the person who comes up with the most credible-sounding answer should get to keep Kate’s tour wardrobe.  Most of the clothing was hideous but some of the jewelry wasn’t totally terrible.  Maybe it could be returned for store credit.

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Day 4 of the Poland/Germany Royal Snore

Wow, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal tour may be a more powerful sleep aid than Ambien.  I’m not sure if I’m even typing this or if it’s all just a dream but the goat in a scuba suit doing a Christopher Walken impression is really starting to freak me out.

Here’s a cut and paste of Day 4’s itinerary from the Daily Mail just in case there’s someone still out there who cares about this tour:

German Cancer Research Institute

William and Kate will meet Nobel Prize winner prof. Dr. Harald zur Hausen, and visit the stem cell research lab.

Traditional German market, Heidlberg

The pair will be given a tour of the traditional market by the Mayor of Heidlberg

Rowing race

Each will cox a boat each in a competitive race between the twinned town of Cambridge and Heidelberg.

Reception at Clärchens Ballhaus

A reception will be held at the last original dancehall in Berlin for some of the most exciting new names in the world of art, culture, style, fashion and technology.

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Kate’s first dress was Jenny Packham, a rotten egg brocade that looks like the upholstery from a couch my parents got rid of before I was born.  Some were commenting that Kate’s wedges didn’t go with the dress but other than some old fondue stains, not much would.

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Kate changed out of her house frau frock and into her standard sporty look of a striped top and jeggings for the rowing competition.  But, hang onto your hats, royal watchers, the blue of this Hugo Boss top was a lighter blue than she normally wears.  I know.  Dogs and cats living together!  Mass hysteria!

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Kate’s jeggings were so tight, I’d be surprised if she was still able to have more children after wearing them.  Yikes.  Do they even make Monistat with morphine?

Prince William somehow won the rowing race.  I don’t know much about rowing but I do question his contribution given that he’s just sitting there in this photo like Whistler’s Mother.

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Did they not have any needlepoint William could do?  Maybe some socks he could darn or buttons to sew back on?

Kate’s final wardrobe change was into a dress by German designer Markus Lupfer.  It was either some kind of botanical print or decapitated zebra heads and paper bag ghosts.

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We haven’t seen any major shiny this trip but it does look like Prince William gave Kate one of his mother’s bracelets.

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Royal watchers were swooning over this admittedly cute picture in which Kate looks at Prince William with crazy stalker eyes.

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Call me a romantic, but I think it’s sweet she’s looking at him like, ‘I want to weave a hammock out of your chest hair and drink your bath water’ and he’s looking at her like, ‘I’d love for you to meet my friends in security.  Security!’

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Day 3 of Poland/Germany Royal Snore

Sorry Cats and Kittens, I fell asleep last night while prepping to write Day 3’s post.  This thing is a walking coma.

Prince George and Princess Charlotte are even more bored with it than we are and attempted to drag their parents aboard the private jet that was waiting to take them to Germany yesterday.  Fuckity bye!

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Sorry, Poland.  The littlest Cambridges are so over you people.

Don’t get too cocky, Germany, George was already tired of you upon arrival.

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This tour has all the excitement of a couple of Benadryl.  I can barely feel my legs.  I don’t understand how the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can travel to all these wonderful countries and make them look as flat as painted scenery from a grammar school play.  That’s all these tours seem to mean to them, new scenery for their family photos.

This is a cut and paste of Wednesday’s Royal Tour Itinerary directly from the Daily Mail tour coverage because I don’t feel like putting more effort in Prince William and Kate’s tour than they are.

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WEDNESDAY 19TH JULY 

Arrival in Berlin and official welcome

Visit to the Brandenburg Gate

Holocaust Memorial

The couple will meet survivors and tour the museum before walking through the Memorial itself.

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The charity supports young people from disadvantaged backgrounds

Bellevue Palace Gardens

William and Kate will meet with the Federal President

Queen’s Birthday Garden Party, Ambassador’s Residence

William will give a speech at the event held in honour of his grandmother

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I don’t get the sense William and Kate have any appreciation for the historical significance of some of these places or really for anything at all.  They certainly haven’t provided much in the way of sound bites to suggest they are active participants in this tour.  Had Charlotte not been given her first official flower bouquet, there wouldn’t be much to report other than Angela Merkel asked Kate if she spoke German and Kate responded sorry, no.

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Kate didn’t even bother to learn a few key German phrases?  Don’t most people learn to say at least a few things when traveling to a country with a native language different from their own?  Kate couldn’t squeeze in a few hours of Rosetta Stone in between all that nothing?  According to @WriteRoyalty on Twitter, Kate worked a total of five hours in June.

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Kate’s Wednesday attire for the day events was a cornflower blue Catherine Walker coat and another fucking lace dress.  It reminds me of something she once wore to a wedding but I don’t care enough to look for it.  Basically, Wednesday’s look was a slightly cornflowerier version of things we’ve seen a million times.

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And the whole hairnet thing, enough Amanda Cook Tucker.  It’s not retro cute, it’s a lazy shortcut for a lazy client.  Kate already dresses like she’s a hundred, no need to give Grandma Catherine nursing home hair.

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Kate got rave reviews for the red Alexander McQueen dress she wore to the garden party celebrating Her Majesty’s birthday.  It’s cute, but the dress isn’t all that, I think people are so tired of lace and cosplay frocks, they’d applaud her for wearing anything in the normal human range.

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Day 2 of Poland/Germany Royal Tour

For the second day of the Royal Tour of Poland and Germany, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge toured the Stutthof Concentration Camp and met with five former prisoners, traveled to Gdansk to take part in a street party, visited the Gdansk Shakespeare Theatre and toured the European Solidarity Movement Museum, leaving flowers at the Solidarity Monument.

Unfortunately, the events of Day 2 were overshadowed by debate on social media over whether or not Kate’s outfit was inappropriate for a visit to a concentration camp where nearly 65,000 people died. Reaction ran from some thinking it was fine to others being extremely offended.  No matter where royal watchers landed on the opinion spectrum, far too much of the conversation was about whether or not Kate, a guest of Poland as an official representative of the United Kingdom, was appropriately dressed.

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Kate wore a floral Erdem top and skirt and a pair of Stuart Weitzman Nearly Nude Ankle Strap Sandals.  I couldn’t find attire guidelines listed on the Stuttof website but the Dachau Concentration Camp Memorial Site asks that no children under 12 visit the grounds and to “Please respect the dignity of the site by wearing appropriate attire.”

“Appropriate” is a subjective term.  Kate’s Erdem was a floral print but with somewhat subdued tones on a white background in a modest cut.  On Twitter, Richard Palmer noted that he asked if “black or dark colours were expected and they said not”.

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I didn’t happen to notice anyone else in a pattern, most were in dark blue or black.

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In addition to a questionable clothing choice, Kate also wore sandals.  Kate’s worn sandals on tour before but to events like the zoo and the beach.  There are a lot of companies that prohibit employees from wearing sandals on the basis they look unprofessional while some only allow sandals on Casual Fridays.  Given how devoted Kate is to her court shoes, her decision to wear sandals to tour a concentration camp is a curious choice.

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And then there was the red polish on Kate’s toes with which some took issue.  I would just like to point out Kate usually has a visible problem with toe nail fungus so maybe the red nail lacquer was serving a beneficial purpose.  Just sayin’.

For every Royal Tour, a team goes out ahead of time on a reconnaissance mission at taxpayer expense, gathering information about the venues, taking photographs, making notations about things like temperature and weather conditions all to make sure clothing will be event appropriate and will photograph well in the surroundings.  So what happened?  Now that Rebecca Deacon’s leaving, perhaps Kate should give some serious consideration to a proper lady-in-waiting.  Kate’s known to be stubborn and not take suggestions under advisement, but she’s more than six years into a job she waited almost a decade to get, there shouldn’t even be a debate about how sartorially insensitive a future Queen Consort was being at a concentration camp.

Another disappointing aspect of the visit to Stutthof was the revelation via Royal Correspondent photos that the sentiment in the visitor’s book was obviously written ahead of time by someone else because the handwriting wasn’t Prince William’s or Kate’s.  All the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did was sign their names.

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With only two short days, it feels as if the Poland part of the tour was over before it began with so much of the host country under-represented.  Even at the street party, Kate and Prince William ate pierogi and drank Goldwasser which I can do pretty much any time I want here in New York.  Polish cuisine has the best comfort food ever, it deserves so much more than a casual mention.  I must admit I’m not a huge fan of Goldwasser, though, it’s basically like drinking candied fire.  It’s so potent, in seconds you go from your tummy feeling warm to asking if the bell no one else heard meant an angel got its wings.

Richard Palmer wrote a lovely piece about the Stutthof Concentration Camp which I recommend reading because it’s a focused overview of the first engagement without the distracting noise.

Interestingly, the media chose to not question Kate’s attire or even mention the heated debate amongst royal watchers.  Considering how flat the Cambridge’s recent tours have been, perhaps they need this tour to go well because once the public loses all interest in the Cambridges, they will need to find a new job.  Or maybe they’re just waiting for a lull when they need a story of interest.  Like this one mentioning the fight Kate and William got into prior to leaving for the garden party celebrating the Queen’s birthday.

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I’m not sure what’s going on with Kate lately, but in these photos, she looks like Wonder Woman’s pissed off grandmother.

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The Cambridges Goth Protest Too Much, Methinks

Well, the Cambridges posed for a family photo for Prince William’s GQ article and the family portrait that was released is… well, it’s just bloody awful.

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It’s like The Addam’s Family on acid.  I’m not sure why George is crawling into the photo, he’s going the wrong way.  Run George, run!  And take your sister, who is presumably looking at her nanny out of frame, with you.

Remember how creepy and lifeless the family photo taken for Kate Middleton’s first Mother’s Day was?

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It’s like the photographer for this GQ piece, Norman Jean Roy, looked at that one and said, “Hold my beer.”

I’ve got an inner goth girl and would describe my personal aesthetic as Haunted Bordello, but even I wouldn’t have this copy of GQ in my home for fear the maniacally grinning Kate would crawl from the pages and attempt to devour my soul.  More hair has been PhotoShopped on Prince William, but his head still looks like a menacing floating orb, his grimacing smile that of a demonic Bugs Bunny.

How are they finding these photographers, do they say “Beetlejuice” three times and ask him for a recommendation?

In the Daily Mail article, there is a quote from Prince William reflecting on his mother’s death: “I still find it difficult now because at the time it was so raw. And also it is not like most people’s grief, because everyone else knows about it, everyone knows the story, everyone knows her.”

To be fair, one of the first things grief counselors are taught is that no two people grieve the same but quite a few people took issue with Prince  William’s choice of words in comment sections and on social media with one cherished member of this community summarizing it on Twitter as “elitist”.  I have tremendous sympathy for Prince William and can’t imagine what it was like for him at such a young age, but the phrasing makes it seem like he’s saying his grief is special because his mother was famous.

Prince William was also quoted as saying, “I want George to grow up in a real, living environment, I don’t want him growing up behind palace walls, he has to be out there. I will fight for them to have a normal life.”

Does Prince William mean the normal life George has at the Anmer Hall Fortress of Solitude and occasionally Kensington Palace from which he only ever seems to escape when accompanied by Nanny Maria or sometimes Carole Middleton?  And that normal life, that’s amongst the taxpayers who are threatened with lawsuits should they dare take a photo of George despite it being perfectly legal, right? Or will actors be cast and sets made to create charming little plays about real life as Marie Antoinette enjoyed doing?  Normalcy is such a lark.  For a really good time, Prince William should try giving it a go without all the taxpayer-funded perks.  The rest of us are having a blast.

If Prince William truly wants George to grow up in “a real, living environment”, the first step would probably be putting an end to the spooky family portraits that make the Cambridges look like menacing specters.  Even poor Lupo looks like some black shadow figure hunting for ghost prey.

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BAFTAs Barf-ta

After spending most of his seven year tenure as President of the British Academy of Film and Television Academy missing in action, Prince William showed up to Sunday’s award show at the Royal Opera House with Kate Middleton.

This was the third BAFTA Award Show for Prince William and Kate’s first.  For Kate’s BAFTA Awards debut, she arrived in custom Alexander McQueen looking like Laura Ingalls dressed up as Harriet Oleson for Halloween.

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The original Long Tier Violet Jacquard dress from Alexander McQueen’s 2016 resort collection that Kate had modified cost $7,765 (£6,218).

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Kate’s McQueen box clutch retailed for $2,242 (£1,795).

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Kate’s Prada Wavy-Cut Suede Pumps which were visible when Kate lifted her hem to climb the red-carpeted steps cost $750.

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So that’s over $10,500 to look like a shrunken hunched-backed Harriet, not including the earrings which Kate first debuted in 2011.

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Not much is known about the drop earrings, although Rebecca English confirmed on Twitter they are not a loaner pair from the Queen.

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There was an amusing rumor floating before the BAFTAs that some actresses were concerned Kate would “out-shine” them at the award show.

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If there really was any concern at all, it was probably that Kate would go full-on fan-girl.

Kate has a history of becoming star-struck at events with celebrities and was so giddy meeting Jackie Chan at a Creative Collaboration: UK & China event that a Hong  Kong journalist covering it wrote, “Most unexpectedly, Princess Kate, who should be used to meeting and greeting dignitaries and upper echelons of society, suddenly lightened up with great delight and was very girlish when meeting Jackie Chan.”

It was actually nice to see Kate looking happy upon arrival at an event.  Too often she appears groggy and trepidatious, like she’s just coming to after being hit with a tranquilizer dart.

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I like happy Kate.  I just wish she brought even a fraction of this enthusiasm to other events.

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Unfortunately, the Duchess of Cambridge only appears genuinely engaged and interested in the presence of celebrities and Ben Ainslie.  When it comes to her charities, Kate sometimes looks like she can barely keep her eyes open.

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The Return of Mental Health Midge

On Sunday and Monday, Kate Middleton managed to carry out three mental health-related events, bringing her yearly engagement tally up to seven.

While it’s important for mental health issues to be destigmatized in society, it’s hard for me to believe that this is a cause Kate and Prince William genuinely care about.  Kate looks stiff and posed at these engagements while Prince William’s default compassionate expression looks like he’s trying to suppress a belch.  In stark contrast, Prince Harry’s interest in mental health is unquestionably sincere, his mother’s compassionate light burns within him, at these events he communicates with ease and appears in touch with his own humanity.

At the January 17th Heads Together event at which Kate, Prince William, and Prince Harry gave one of their three-fer speeches, royal correspondent Richard Palmer noted after Prince William brusquely ignored the media two feet away on the way in and bolted for the waiting car on the way out:

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While I rarely comment directly on Kensington’s Palace’s Twitter posts, I felt it necessary to point out that Kate’s oratorical contribution at that event was difficult to understand.

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With the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge at these engagements, I am reminded of jesters and minstrels of yore who performed for royalty, but in this case, it’s struggling individuals reaching into their souls to pull out the most painful, raw and darkest parts of their being for examination by the royal family’s two laziest royals so there’s an illusion that they care, despite their consistently low yearly engagement totals suggesting otherwise.

On Sunday February 5th, Kate Middleton, Prince William and Prince Harry attended a Heads Together event, joining a London marathon training session at the Olympic park.

Kate, William and Harry participated in a relay race with Prince Harry winning the royal leg.

To be fair, Kate was wearing her tightest jeans to date.  Every stride must have felt like getting a Pap smear on a bouncy castle and her starting position suggested she’s still struggling with keeping within the lines in her colouring books.

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Prince William’s trousers weren’t exactly the most event-friendly either.  If anyone was wondering, the second-in-line to the throne went left with his penis on Sunday.

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Prince Harry looked like he inched his starting position slightly ahead to gain an advantage over his brother but he needn’t have bothered.  The man who beat Usain Bolt with some creativity easily bested his brother who looked like he either really wanted to win or was passing a kidney stone.

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On Monday, Kate Middleton and Prince William got an unusually early start and attended a Place2Be engagement at the Mitchell Brook Primary School.  The Kindness Assembly marked the beginning of Children’s Mental Health Week.

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Kate wore a repeat red Luisa Spagnoli suit and once again sported her Muppet Madness bared-teeth grin which I imagine haunts the nightmares of children and the monsters living underneath their beds.

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Kate presented a Kindness Award to a student.  Videos from the event looked like a commercial for Mattel’s Mental Health Midge doll which comes with a bathing suit under her official engagement attire for a quick holiday get-away.

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In the photo @KensingtonRoyal posted, Kate looked posed and awkward but she didn’t give them a lot with which to work.  She totally has Mattel arm in this photo.

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Kate also delivered a speech which sucked less than usual but still was difficult to follow at times and uninspired.  Rebecca English’s Daily Mail article included its contents if anyone is interested.

On Monday night, Prince William and Kate attended a Guild of Health Writers conference at which William delivered a speech.

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Kate wore an Oscar de la Renta suit out of which she styled the life with her same-old black suede court shoes, black clutch and black tights.  Seriously, why aren’t the Fashion Police a legitimate branch of law enforcement?  Kate should be arrested for suffocating this gorgeous Oscar de la Renta suit to death with bland accessories and forced to attend a workshop on styling and maybe do some community service since she is a repeat offender.

Monday also marked Queen Elizabeth II’s Sapphire Jubilee, making the Queen the first British Monarch to reach a 65 year reign.  Long live the Queen!

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George Michael & Princess Diana

2016 was a rough year for celebrity deaths, we lost so many greats.  The one that hit me the hardest was George Michael whom I have loved since I was a little girl.  I credit his sexiness for not only for kicking off an early puberty but for endowing me with a large rack.  All those lustful pre-teen hormones had to go somewhere and for me they settled in my chest (regretfully some of it also made its way to my ass).

I was a devoted fan throughout his career, from Wham!, through his aviator sunglasses days and beyond.  As I noted in Crushes, the “Faith” video still does it for me in a major way.  Despite all of George Michael’s struggles throughout his life, or perhaps because of them, he always felt like a kindred spirit: blessed but broken.

He described what propelled him in various interviews as: “It’s not the something extra that makes a star. It’s the something missing.”  Art in its various forms isn’t a choice, it’s a compulsion, a need to create something that will provide a fleeting sense of wholeness.

George Michael was so underrated as a vocalist.  His live 1992 cover of Queen’s “Somebody to Love” was a worthy tribute to Freddie Mercury who had a four octave range and exceptional control in his head and chest voice, very few singers can do his songs justice.  My favorite non-vocal part of this cover occurs between 3:50-4:00, the Wembley Stadium audience thunderously belts out “love”, Queen’s lead guitarist Brian May chuckles and George does a victorious twirl.

The year after the Freddie Mercury tribute concert, Princess Diana finally met George Michael at a World Aids Day concert.  Diana was a big fan of George Michael’s and after George declined a few opportunities to meet her, when they finally were introduced, they became fast friends.  Diana’s former chef, Darren McGrady, revealed some details about their relationship in a Daily Mail piece.

George spent a lot of time with Diana and helped her through her separation with Prince Charles, she would also ring him up and they would chat.  A tape of one such conversation exists in the safety deposit box of Andros Georgiou, one of George’s friends.  The back story and some other interesting anecdotes about Princess Diana and George Michael can be read in this piece.

George regretted not speaking with Diana in the two years before her death, life just got in the way and he always assumed she must have so many callers, he didn’t want to be an intrusion.  After Princess Diana’s death, George didn’t have much contact with her sons but told Piers Morgan in a 2011 interview that once at a Christmas party Princess Diana threw at Kenington Palace, he declined to honor an impromptu request from Prince William to sing, admitting he felt terrible about saying no to “probably the future king of England” but was too embarrassed to sing in front of small crowds, joking “there was a day I would have been taken to the Tower”.  Because of George’s close bond with Princess Diana, for Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, George wanted to give them a special gift and recorded a cover of Stevie Wonder’s “You and I” for their wedding.  He confirmed through a mutual friend that they both liked the song before making the track for them, hoping that they would be able to use it to raise donations for The Royal Wedding Charity Fund.

For me, it is the best thing to have come out of the Royal Wedding.

While George Michael’s scandals have been published exhaustively throughout the tabloids, much less ink has been dedicated to his charitable nature.  He was a kind gentle generous soul who quietly donated a lot of money to AIDS and cancer organizations, children’s charities, animal rescues and private individuals he heard about who needed help.  He not only gave of his money, but his time as well, volunteering at homeless shelters and various charities, asking fellow volunteers that his presence remain anonymous.

George Michael’s Older album has been said to have helped Prince William get through his mother’s death.  I imagine George Michael’s death had to have brought up old pain for Prince William, but hopefully it also reminded him of the positive impact his mother and her pop star friend had on the lives of so many and will inspire him to create his own legacy.

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