Tag Archives: Princess Eugenie

Princess Eugenie’s Engagement

On Monday, Buckingham Palace announced that Princess Eugenie will wed her boyfriend of seven years, Jack Brooksbank, in autumn of this year at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor.

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The engagement ring is a padparadscha sapphire surrounded by diamonds.

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The engagement happened in Nicaragua earlier in the month.  Eugenie’s mother, Sarah, Duchess of York, responded with an appropriate level of decorum on social media. Just kidding, she went totally bonkers.  It’s like her brain melted and whatever random words weren’t lost in the fire were attached to pictures of her daughter and future son-in-law.

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The first Tweet included this curious line.  “I am so excited to have a son, a brother and a best friend.”  Um, members of the royal family don’t do the super-incestous thing anymore where sons are also brothers.  Eugenie and Jack are supposedly third cousins twice removed which is really the closest any Windsor wants to get to his or her own bloodline otherwise the kids could be born chasing their own tails.  And is Sarah really going to stake best friend claims on her daughter’s fiance the day of their engagement announcement?  I mean, at least wait until #NationalBestFriendsDay to snake her squeeze.

For the second Tweet, Sarah noted, “I always say that the river flows well to it’s destiny because of the guidance of a solid rock.”  In addition to the grammatical error, the message isn’t entirely clear.  Is Sarah congratulating herself for being the rock that guided her daughter, the river, to her destiny, Jack?  If it’s destiny, then why does the stream need the rock if it was going to happen anyway?  Is it maybe a shout-out to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?  We may never know.

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Sarah followed up with another photo of the couple captioned with, “They float with laughter and love… although a boat helps!”

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Anyone with a basic grasp of physics knows laughter and love have nothing to do with why a person floats in water, it comes down to body composition or because he or she is a witch.

Sarah followed up that Tweet with another that said, “They make laughter and we feel the joy… thank you for the magic.”

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Magic?  Yup, Sarah just outed her daughter and future son-in-law as witches.  And she wasn’t even done.

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Wait, what?  That’s one dizzying carousel ride of pronouns.  And I hope the engaged couple signed off on that photo of Eugenie riding Jack like a horsey before Sarah shared it with the world.

The Daily Mail reported that Sarah was supposed to have an interview with the BBC but it was  canceled.  I’m just going to assume the Queen called the zoo and asked if they could have someone swing by Sarah’s and hit her with whatever tranquilizers they use when tigers escape.

In my experience, someone always goes off their rocker when planning a wedding.  Considering how loony tunes Sarah went with her own wedding arrangements, Eugenie won’t even have the option of the crazy one being her.  The British Royal Family may want to consider having a zoo attendant with a van full of tranquilizers on stand-by for the whole family because she’s baaaaaaack.  Sarah Ferguson is the mother of the bride.

Prince Andrew did talk to reporters on Monday, stating, “I can’t speak for the duchess but we… and for Beatrice… we are overjoyed that Eugenie and Jack have got engaged.”  How into being a royal do you have to be to refer to your own ex-wife and mother of your children as “the duchess”?  I mean, I know it’s technically correct, it just struck me as a bit odd conversationally, but it’s probably just me.

The Duke and Duchess of York may have their flaws, but no one could ever accuse them of not loving their daughters and wanting what’s best for them.  Jack and Eugenie seem very happy together and I hope they have a blissful road ahead.  For the sake of their sanity, I recommend eloping, but otherwise congratulations!

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British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.

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Waity Katie’s Fictional Fairytale Romance

I feel robbed, and not in the way I at least get to talk to cute cops in uniform.  In the biography, “Kate, The Future Queen”, Daily Mail reporter and author, Katie Nicholls, reveals that the love story of Kate Middleton and Prince William wasn’t as fated as dropped books at St. Andrews University and a sheer black dress on a catwalk.  Basically the duchess nabbed her prince by stalking him.

Dubbed “Waity Katie” by the press, Kate Middleton infamously held on for eight years after she met her prince until he popped the question.  Except the timeline spans a few more years now following the revelation that prior to attending St. Andrews, Waity Katie told her friends that she had already met Prince William “once or twice”.

According to the new biography, Kate Middleton planned on attending Edinburgh until it was announced that Prince William would be taking a gap year before attending St. Andrews.  She ripped up her Edinburgh acceptance letter, took a leap year to be in Prince William’s class and then reapplied to St. Andrew’s to increase her chances at shagging and bagging the prince.

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I’ve never understood the media’s fixation with Kate Middleton but I hoped she might one day prove she was more than just the “cold, dull, serious girl” Prince William’s friends described her as.  Despite being disappointed in her work ethic and cringing at some of her idiotic comments, I still wanted this to be a wonderful story about a girl destined to marry her true love, not a girl destined to use tactical maneuvering to increase her chances at nabbing HRH status.  There was a moment during her wedding when she looked at Prince William with crazy eyes and I thought, maybe there’s a personality in that candied shell after all, maybe she really was a girl madly in love with the man she was marrying.  Given recent reports, I suspect at that moment she couldn’t believe she actually pulled it off.

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How did she pull that off, anyway?  Her dizzy comments have led many to wonder just how bright the future Queen Consort is.  During a viewing of her wedding dress at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, the Duchess with the Art History degree asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.  In addition to admitting she doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea, she has proven she can’t even string together a coherent tea-related question, inquiring during an appearance at Fortnum & Mason: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”   When shopping for a birthday gift for her husband this year, Kate also appeared thwarted by the concept of pens being cylindrical, telling a store clerk she was looking for “a really beautiful pen for a man who is left-handed”.   She doesn’t seem to fare much better reading words from a teleprompter.  The delivery of her first public address earlier this year for Children’s Hospice Week was painfully awkward and despite the piece being edited, her mispronunciation of the word “palliative” was not corrected.  One might question why no one spared her that embarrassment.

A story was leaked last year that the Queen referred to Kate Middleton as the Duchess of Doolittle, calling her vain, vapid and lazy.  Normally I would be skeptical of reports citing the Queen as the source, after all, a trusted confidante gossiping to the press would be a betrayal and the Queen isn’t known for being overly trusting.  However, I have no trouble believing the Queen intended for those critical comments to be slipped to the media in hopes Kate would work on improving herself as a representative of the Royal Family.  Like those nude patent pumps Kate always has on, it’s merely a matter of time before her shine gets scuffed and she is perceived of as worn and tired.  The Queen is a highly intelligent woman who knows a lot about longevity in the public eye.

When women marry into the Royal Family, there always seems to be a period of media adoration in the first few years before the ensuing backlash of the press growing bored with its own creation.  The story of a commoner marrying her prince might ultimately backfire against the monarchy, after all, if anyone can be royalty, why does Great Britain need the Royal Family, especially since they have been nothing more than figureheads since the 17th century and UK taxpayers are funding a good chunk of their extravagant lifestyles?

There is tension within the Royal Family already about Kate not being a blood princess, rumored to have been started when the Queen issued the Order of Precedence, decreeing that when not in the presence of William, Kate must curtsey to the York Princesses who are royalty by birth, not marriage, and to Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, regardless of whether or not Prince William accompanies her because she is married to the first in line to the throne.  Both Kate Middleton and the York Princesses are accused of using Mean Girls tactics against each other.  According to one report, Kate Middleton invited Princess Beatrice to a party, not telling her of the dress code, then publically humiliated her for not being properly attired, one of the reporters in attendance was said to have found Princess Beatrice crying in the bathroom.  Then Princess Beatrice’s sister Princess Eugenie was believed to have introduced Prince Harry to his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas in retaliation for Kate’s hostility to the York Princesses.  The matchmaking effort was thought to be an effort to make Kate jealous because Prince William left Kate for Cressida’s gorgeous half sister Isabella in 2007.  Waity Katie allegedly took William back under the condition he never see Isabella again, a promise that would be impossible to honor if Cressida and Prince Harry got married.

I don’t doubt that there will be an increasing number of those wondering why Prince William was permitted to marry such a common girl as the public grows bored of Lazy Katie’s superficial aspirations.  The clips from Prince George’s christening provided interesting insight into the Middleton influence on the modern monarchy.  Both Kate and her sister Pippa seemed to reinforce their presence within the Royal Family by matching their beige outfits to Prince George’s christening gown.   Sort of a “We’re here.  We’re beige.  Get used to it.” fashion statement.   While the christening of the future monarch is a private affair, traditionally foreign dignitaries are invited because the monarchy understands its role in the global community.  The slight extended to other members of the Royal Family.  Citing a desire to keep the christening an informal affair, all but five Senior Royals were excluded from the guest list.  Only the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, the Duchess of Cornwall, and Prince Harry were invited.

While the christening was said to be the duke and duchess’ modern approach to the event, the informality seemed an affront to royal tradition and etiquette.  After awkwardly greeting the Queen, Kate had to fumble a forgotten curtsey to Prince Philip.  I know that seems like a minor point to most but royals takes the gesture of respect to senior royals seriously, it is why the Queen established the Order of Precedence.  Some might point out that I improperly refer to the Duchess of Cambridge as Kate, Kate Middleton, Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle, Duchess of Lamebridge, Sock Puppet and the Duchess of Dull, and that would be a fair point.  However given the aggressive measures she took in order to nab the prince, it’s safe to say she pursued the pomp and ceremony of being married to a royal and therefore signed on for the etiquette whereas my critical bitchiness is part of my nature and thus obtained by more honest means.

I do think that the Palace takes note of public criticism of Kate in order to try to avoid the mistakes made by other women who married into the family.  In attempt to lessen the pressures on the Duchess By Design, they gave her a grace period, but Kate settled too comfortably into averaging a mere thirty official royal appearances a year compared to the four hundred or so the eight-seven year old Queen knocks out annually.   Kate initially announced she would be the patron of four charities and announced three more this year for a whopping total of seven in the three years since she married into the Royal Family.  Her father-in-law Prince Charles is patron to more than four hundred charities.  It’s unlikely Lazy Katie will become more ambitious during this next year, the Palace announced that Prince William is taking a “transition” year between leaving the Royal Air Force and assuming his royal duties full-time.  Which probably means more vacations for the Duchess of Doolittle and the global snickering that follows such announcements.

One of the things I noticed about the footage from Prince George’s christening was that Kate didn’t seem to have bonded with George, when he was in her arms and not in her husband’s, she carried him like he was one of her accessories purchased on High Street instead of her son.  Two days after the christening, another photo was released, this one showing Kate actually looking at her son.  It was noted that the picture was taken at the same time of the others, an interesting comment that made me wonder if it was staged after-the-fact or if so many others had noticed a lack of motherly affection at the christening, that showing a tender moment was deemed necessary for Kate’s public image.

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Ultimately what bothers me about Kate Middleton is that along with all semblance of a personality, she has been stripped of ambition to be anything other than what she is, someone who is trying to pick and chose what royal duties she wants to go with her title.  She is a woman who sacrificed her dream of attending Edinburgh, all of her plans that didn’t involve the prince as well as the truths of own her love story which she revised and respun to be more palpable.  She is a fictional character, of her own creation, further molded by the press’ fascination and the cautious hands of the Royal Family’s Bootcamp training her so she doesn’t damage public perception of the monarchy like Princess Diana did.  I think the royal bride with the crazy eyes would be far more interesting than the Duchess with the pageant smile, if there’s any of her that has survived the constant lacquering.  Perhaps the reason Kate doesn’t do more charity work is because in rewriting herself for her prince, she has lost touch with her own humanity.  But Kate could prove to be the perfect Duchess by Design, after all, when her shell starts to crack, it’s quite possible we’ll discover she’s totally hollow, with nothing inside of her that could be an embarrassment to the royal family.

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Love,

Lola