Tag Archives: Ralph Lauren

2016 Oscars Red Carpet

At the 88th Academy Awards, Chris Rock diffused the diversity controversy that hung over the Dolby Theater with his raw yet dexterous brand of comedy, acknowledging a need for change within Hollywood while keeping the show on track. It’s been so long since an Oscar host was actually entertaining, I had forgotten these things used to sometimes  be funny.  Not everything was comedic gold, I still can’t figure out the point of the Girl Scout bit.  Girl Scout cookies sell themselves because they are delicious and somewhat deceptively named.  Thin Mints for example give you the false impression you can swallow sleeves of cookies whole like a boa constrictor without worrying about your waistline while Tagalongs and Do-si-dos practically sound like you’re getting some kind of calorie-cancelling exercise simply by eating them.

Amusingly, the plan to omit thank yous from the acceptance speeches and scroll pre-prepared lists of names instead didn’t pan out amongst those who take direction for a living.  Not exactly a shocker.  If I ever won an Academy Award, guidelines and music wouldn’t get me off the stage, it would probably take some kind of zoo-tranquilizer dart and even then, I wouldn’t go without a fight.

But the Oscars are so much more than a platform for social change or awarding  the best in film, they’re about attractive people wearing fabulous designer clothing.  Watching the Oscars is all about focusing on the most superficial aspects of people who are part of the most shallow industry on Earth.  It’s all about the fashion.

This year was a little more interesting than the past few years.  The best and worst weren’t quite so cut and dry with many  critics divided over who led  the pack and whose fashion failed.

These are my picks:

The Best

Cate Blanchett was ethereal perfection in seafoam Armani Prive.  In the wrong hands, this  dress could look like a glue gun disaster, but with Tiffany & Co. cascading diamond earrings, sea creature bracelet and beachy bob, Cate had that just-stepped-out-of-the-waves-like-this goddess quality.  This dress made both best and worst dressed lists.  On anyone but Cate Blanchett, I would have categorized it as the latter.  On her, it was both regal and whimsical.

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Another red carpet masterpiece in motion was Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein.  The actress chose emerald to honor her Irish heritage, however the swirling sequins of the skirt were evocative of the sky’s nocturnal undulations in Dutch post-Impressionist painter, Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night.  While the brightest “star” in van Gogh’s painting is actually Venus, Saoirse Ronan’s luminous beauty made her one of the brightest stars on the Oscar red carpet.
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The black Chanel dress Julianne Moore wore was a departure from the jewel tones she normally gravitates towards, making it a noteworthy selection.  Recently, a similar version made its way down the Chanel runway on Kendall Jenner.  Julianne opted for meticulously crafted effortless glamour, wearing her hair down instead of in angry Princess Leia buns with Black Swan eye makeup shown at the Chanel Haute Couture show.

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Once again Charlize Theron’s red carpet appearance reminded us that no matter how hard we try, we’ll never be Charlize Theron.  Charlize may have terrible taste in men, but her fashion sense is impeccable.  Draped in Christian Dior Couture and Harry Winston diamonds, Charlize continued her reign as the Red Carpet’s best dressed.

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Honorable Mention

Mindy Kaling’s Elizabeth Kennedy dress was a little too tight, causing it to pucker, but between its black and royal blue color scheme and cape-like tie in the  back, it reminded me of the superhero costume worn by Batman’s former sidekick, Nightwing, thus making the dress subjectively awesome.

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Leather and Lace

Two of the trends on the red carpet were the sartorial version of the Stevie Nicks/Don Henley duet, Leather and Lace.

Jennifer Lawrence’s black tiered Dior gown was one of the lace trend’s best examples,  a modern take on the black lace and ruffles favored by Stevie Nicks who paved the way for goth girls who want to keep their hair blonde.

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Rooney Mara also wore lace.  The cut-out sheer dress  by Givenchy Haute Couture was a cometh hither combination of demure and provocative, however the sci-fi hair and white platform sandals detracted from the dress.

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Versace-clad Kerry Washington looked like she was wearing Xena’s prom dress: ass-kicking leather on top, glamorous femininity on the bottom.

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Margot Robbie glittered like a gold dust woman in a long-sleeve gold leather embellished Tom Ford gown.  In 85 degree heat.  I’m really not sure how she wasn’t glistening buckets.

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The Worst

This year’s Oscars refuted my long-held belief that Kate Winslet would look gorgeous even in a garbage bag.  Making a rare sartorial misstep, Kate’s Ralph Lauren gown was evocative of a Hefty Cinch Sak.  Draw me like one of your tall kitchen bags.

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Another fashion disappointment was Olivia Wilde who, like Kate Winslet, usually nails the red carpet.  I wanted to like Olivia Wilde’s Valentino dress, but ultimately I couldn’t shake the fact that it looked like Mature Bride’s take on Leeloo’s bandage outfit.

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I can’t even take Amy Poehler’s Andrew Gn dress seriously, she looks like she’s being eaten alive by Audrey Jr. flesh-eating embroidery.  A stylist supposedly did this to her on purpose, why I do not know, but humanity may need to call on Lucy Liu’s badassery.

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This year Marchesa happened to Heidi Klum.  The dress looked like a failed practice assignment using canopy curtains and shoddy magic at Fairy Godmother Conjuring School.  The dress Cinderella’s rodent friends made her looked better than this Marchesa dress even after it was destroyed.  Not only is this a lock for this year’s Worst Dressed award, it’s epically hideous, likely to show up on Most Tragic Oscar Fashion lists for years to come.

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Thrifty Duchess or Shifty Duchess?

I’ve been ignoring the news story of Kate Middleton shopping at Bicester Village designer outlet centre in Oxfordshire on Sunday thinking maybe the puff piece would go away but now pretty much every major news outlet has covered it, gushing about how thrifty Seven Kitchens Kate is and how she’s like the best Mum ever because she bought George some Lacoste pyjamas.  Because as everyone knows, if there isn’t a tiny green crocodile on your child’s sleepwear, swamp monsters will Elm Street him as soon as he drifts off.

In addition to hitting Lacoste, Kate also shopped at Gucci, Reiss, Bonpoint, Temperley London, Valentino, Jimmy Choo, and Ralph Lauren.  Interesting.  If Kate had only turned up at that event honoring the Ralph Lauren Breast Cancer Center back in May, maybe she wouldn’t have to rummage through the Ralph Lauren sale rack trying to find a shirt in her size that didn’t have an ink stain or wasn’t missing a button.

According to the Sun which quoted a Sales Assistant: “Kate came in on Sunday on her own, just like anyone else, and browsed the sales racks.”

Obviously on her own meant with her usual protection officers and presumably her Bootyguard.

According to E!: “She was trying to keep very low key in just jeans and a jumper [sweater],” the witness said.  “Not many people noticed her as she was avoiding contact with them. No pictures were taken that I’m aware of. She was focused on shopping.”

Kate had her purchases couriered to Kensington Palace.  Fascinating she went through the fuss of a delivery for the pyjamas and bath mat she purchased.  Unless of course she wanted to make sure the sales reps knew she was the real Kate Middleton or make it seem like she and Wills were spending oodles of time at their Kensington Palace apartment which was recently renovated at taxpayer expense and not at Anmer Hall, even though that’s where they are reportedly spending most of August.

Oxfordshire is about an hour and fifteen minutes outside of London and in the opposite direction of Anmer Hall.  Who could possibly be near Oxfordshire, living approximately 26.4 miles south of the outlet center?  Oh, that’s right, her parents.

So did Kate ditch her two princes for retail therapy and to go home to see the parental units?  That can’t be.  Kate is such a doting mother, it’s why she can’t perform her duties, only she can watch the royal magical baby being cared for by the full-time supernanny.  Unless of course she’s going on a luxury vacation or relaxing at a resort or attending a society wedding, then her presence isn’t required.

According to reports, Kate frequents Bicester Village designer outlet centre.  There could be another reason she chooses to shop at the outlet centre that has nothing to do with discounts.  Kate is rumored to resent the Kate Effect.  Back in March, Kate and another woman showed up wearing the same Missoni coat to the wedding of Lucy Meade and Charlie Budgett, reportedly that bothered her, as does seeing women wearing clothing she owns even if she’s not wearing those particular items at the time.  In order to keep CopyKates from CopyKating, it’s being suggested that Kate is now holding onto items she has purchased until they are no longer available to the masses.  At outlet centres, a lot of the merchandise is the remaining stock of whatever is leftover from the previous season, the surplus gets shipped to the outlet stores and sold at discounted prices.  Therefore, purchases Kate makes at the outlet stores can’t really be CopyKated unless the designer decides to manufacture more in the future if the fabric is still available.

So basically Kate Middleton was just granted Style Icon status by Vanity Fair and she’s out buying clothes that are discounted because no one else wanted them and she appears to not want anyone else following her fashion lead.  And even though she resents having her picture taken all the time with camera phones, there doesn’t appear to be a single photo taken of her at the outlet stores where apparently she goes all the time but this is the first we’re hearing of it, now that she has to move to Anmer Hall for privacy reasons.  I don’t know… this whole thing seems more shifty than thrifty.

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Where’s Kate Excuse List

Congratulations, Kate Middleton.  You actually might be the most ridiculous human being on a planet that includes Kayne West and every single girl on I Wanna Marry Harry.

Despite Ralph Lauren’s obligatory PR statement reassuring the press that he was not upset over Kate Middleton’s no-show at his charity event last week, the story just isn’t going away.  Really, the last person in the world you want to piss off is a fashion designer because fashion designers are constantly surrounded by women who haven’t had a carb since hitting puberty so they have to be able to assert their dominance amongst the models, sort of like a lion in a pride.  Seriously, Google “Lion Fight Video”, that is more or less what Fashion Week looks like behind the scenes.

Apparently, the excuse William offered of Kate being home with George didn’t really fly because they’ve got a full-time nanny and the headless can’t jump to her defense because of the whole lack-of-head thing.  If Kate’s pregnant, it’s only been for a few days so Buckingham Palace can’t claim she’s suffering severe morning sickness.  And the whole divide and conquer explanation is inherently flawed if only one half of the divided whole actually does anything.

An article on express.co.uk suggests Kate’s been nowhere to be found because she’s been redecorating the couple’s country estate, Anmer Hall.  Except the article is really recycling pre-Vacation Tour news, citing a Turkish kilm purchase that was made in January and a March trip to Design Centre in Chelsea Harbour.   Even if the article isn’t a testing-the-waters piece of royal propaganda, it’s hardly a scoop when you’re digging through archives to support your claims.  And really, if you’re going to recycle past news as present, why not use a bigger story like the royal wedding that’s just happening now three years ago?  I don’t doubt she’s still focused on redecorating, but she’s already spent months shopping and working on Anmer Hall, offering this as an excuse as to where she’s been is ridiculous.

Here’s the thing.  If Kate actually did some work every now and then, she wouldn’t have to have people constantly trying to justify her lazy ways.  The bar is set so low right now, Kate could tell Pippa she really enjoyed reading her Telegraph column and that would count as charity work.

I sort of feel bad for the people who have to cover for Kate.  Not her husband of course who is enabling her, but the people in the press office who imagined their job would be a nice little cushy gig writing about corgis and tea.  In PR, you have to spin quite a bit of fiction, but I imagine the Buckingham Palace Press Office is getting dizzy from trying to make Kate look believable as a human being.  They’ve already exhausted all their go-to excuses so I came up with a Where’s Kate Excuse List they can chose from for the next time Kate insults someone with her lack of interest in pretending to care.

redheartbulletpoint Prince George had his mum swapped out with her Madame Tussauds wax statue as part of an elaborate April Fools joke but no one has noticed yet including Kate.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is really Banksy.

redheartbulletpoint Kate’s still checking local shops looking for the latest Fabergé eggs.

redheartbulletpoint She made a wrong turn at a portal and now she’s inside John Malkovich’s mind.

redheartbulletpoint Because of the discovery of Kepler-186F, Kate’s hard at work learning Klingon.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is filling in for the Grim Reaper who is on holiday because she’s the only one who can fit into the outfit.

redheartbulletpoint Kate is trapped inside an imaginary mime box that locks from the outside.

redheartbulletpoint She just realized Prince George’s nanny looks like Mrs. Baylock from The Omen and is sitting in her closet, refusing to go near windows.

redheartbulletpoint Kate’s working on a theory that cold fusion is possible if you add ice.

redheartbulletpoint Prince Harry was joking around playing “I’ve got your nose” with Prince George and now she’s super freaked out and still looking for it.

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