Tag Archives: Royal Household Annual Accounts

British Royal Family Wants Change Back From Their 0 Fucks

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to conclude that the number of fucks given by the British Royal Family is precisely 0.

0 fucks about austerity measures in the UK.  0 fucks about demonstrating their value to the country they represent.  0 fucks about proving they are more than welfare recipients living in the largest most gilded trailers on the planet.

On June 15th, the most consistent of all 0 fuck-givers, Kate Middleton bagged on one of the monarchy’s most prestigious traditions, the Order of the Garter ceremony, presumably returning to the maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, to enjoy nannies, housekeepers and staff taking care of her stay-at-home duties so she can lounge in luxury and emerge occasionally for the warm loving embrace of LK Bennett sales.

The same day that Kate returned to her regularly scheduled pampered seclusion, Prince William gave 0 flying fucks about spending £16,000 ($25,173 in USD) on a roundtrip helicopter ride to the Magna Carta 800th Anniversary events, shaving a mere 50 minutes off each leg of the 90 minute drive.  A frequent giver of 0 fucks, Prince William is nine months into his training with East Anglian Air Ambulance and is expected to begin his new job as pilot in the spring that’s already passed. In response to outcries from the taxed masses, a Kensington Palace spokesperson indicated, “The Duke makes very careful decisions about transport plans and always seeks to travel in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.”  Well, that makes sense, flying by helicopter is the most efficient and inexpensive travel option available these days, that’s why cars don’t exist anymore and even my flying monkeys take a Sikorsky any time they are forced to do my bidding.

On Saturday night, the Yorks gave 0 fucks about the hundred thousand or so protesting government austerity, spending cuts, and the stripping of public services and hosted a lavish belated Disney-themed birthday bash for 200 guests in honor of March baby Princess Eugenie at the Royal Lodge in Windsor where Prince Andrew enjoys royal rent-free housing benefits.  A seemingly fuck-depleted Princess Eugenie hired seven little people to be her Snow White costume accessories.  Her father, Prince Andrew, went as Prince Charming, giving 0 fucks that many women now will never again be able to refer to their beloved as their Prince Charming without throwing up a little in their mouths.  And the usually charming Prince Harry gave 0 fucks about the party’s Disney theme by showing up as Nintendo character, Super Mario.

One fuck was given on June 19th by Prince Philip who seemed unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of his ex-daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson at Ascot, but by virtue of the fuck being given by the unapologetic Duke of Edinburgh who gives no fucks on principal, it immediately vaporized into a noxious gas which was then blamed on the horses.

This week the Royal Household Annual Accounts was released.  As the rest of the nation faces austerity measures, Buckingham Palace is shielded from cuts to public spending under the terms of the Sovereign’s Grant which ensures that the amount the Queen receives can never be less than the year before.  In the past year, the Queen’s income from the Crown Estate rose from £36.1 million to more than £40 million.

Prince Charles’ expense report reveals he is paying £2.965 million (roughly $4.667 million in USD) in allowance to Princes William and Harry and Kate who combined undertook a mere 8 percent of the Royal Family’s official engagements for 2014 and will likely account for even less this year.  The lump sum allowance covers royal expenses such as staff, travel and wardrobe but doesn’t indicate what exactly the money was spent on and how much went to Kate and William who are attempting to live private lives while still reaping all the benefits of being royal.  It doesn’t make much sense for a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mother and a helicopter pilot to have a full-time royal staff if they aren’t undertaking much in the way of royal duties.  Kate doesn’t need a royal wardrobe either to watch the royal nanny take care of her children, maybe she could auction off what she’s amassed to date for charity so at least those who accepted her as a royal patron could reap some benefit.  The Cambridges should also give up their royal protection which costs taxpayers undisclosed millions and their apartment in Kensington Palace which was renovated at taxpayer expense since regular housewives and helicopter pilots have no need for either.  It’s hardly “value for the money” if all William and Kate do is take.  Maybe if Kate and William had to live like everyone else in the UK, they might actually start giving a fuck and the UK might finally start seeing some change.



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The Hidden Expenses of Prince William’s Private Pilot Gig

In the backlash over the recent $6.8 million Kensington Palace renovations for Prince William and Kate, many are left bewildered as to how Prince William and Kate could up and move to the Anmer Hall country estate gifted to Prince William by the Queen.  Those of course are the people who haven’t been paying attention. We welcome all to the Land of the Disenchanted with open arms, we’ve been expecting you.  Please make yourselves comfortable, someone will by shortly to collect your Royal Wedding souvenir spoons and those Kate mugs you claimed were ironic but secretly loved.

Today the Royal Household Annual Accounts officially come out.  Obviously there are those who have lashed out over the cost of Kensington Palace renovations and Prince William’s and Kate’s decision to live at Anmer Hall so Prince William can play helicopter pilot, but perhaps the most interesting figures that come from this are the ones that won’t ever be listed on any report.  Prince William’s decision to postpone royal duties is going to cost taxpayers a fairly large sum of money.

In order to protect Anmer Hall, an estimated fifteen officers will need to be hired to guard the grounds around the clock, costing taxpayers an additional $2.5 million per year.  That’s what the taxpayers shelled out annually to secure the couple’s rented farmhouse in Anglesey when the couple decided they wanted the privacy of living off base.  At Kensington Palace, there is already a security team in place.

Also at Kensington Palace is the recently installed super-tricked out panic room and state-of-the-art video surveillance.  It’s likely Anmer Hall is being similarly outfitted, since it will be their primary if not their “official” residence.  The average panic room runs around $1.7 million, likely the second in line to the throne would get an above average panic room.  Perhaps a security upgrade is one of the reasons why Anmer Hall isn’t ready yet.  Security costs are paid for by the taxpayer and aren’t released apparently for the British Royal Family’s safety.  Because even though an insane nut job targeting the Royal Family can count the number of protection officers in published photos and read about the special mesh curtains designed to catch shattering glass in most major magazines around the world, knowing how much each protection officer makes an hour would somehow facilitate their heinous plans.

Anmer Hall is approximately a hundred and twenty miles away from London and a hundred and fifty-two miles away from Berkshire where Kate’s parents live.  Likely Kate will make many escapes to stay with her parents like she did when Prince William was an RAF pilot and they lived in Anglesey.  Now that she has Prince George, the cost for securing her parents’ Berkshire home for the third in line runs taxpayers in the neighborhood of $17,000 a day.

Of course, what’s distance when the Queen allocates part of the Sovereign’s Grant to lease you a helicopter instead of blowing it on needed repairs to Buckingham Palace?  A lot of that priceless artwork in danger of being destroyed by a leaky roof has been around forever, a lot of people have already seen it and there are probably some pictures of that stuff somewhere in case it gets ruined to remind people what it looked like.

In addition to the cost of the helicopter lease, there are operational costs such as fuel and oil, maintenance, a pilot if Prince William isn’t doing the chauffeuring.  But the helicopter will come in handy now that Kate will be further away from six of her seven charities.  If the seventh, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, drops by the house and asks her to do something, Kate can always hop in the helicopter and tell the pilot to step on it.  That kind of convenience is priceless.

If Prince William really wants his life to be private then taxpayers shouldn’t have to cover these outrageous sums.  No taxpayer-funded protection officers, travel expenses and staff.  If he really wants a “normal life”, he should be afforded the opportunity to live just like everyone else.  Maybe a glimpse into actual normal life would be enlightening to the Petulant Prince.



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Peasantly Surprised

The Daily Mail ran a story on Friday with the info from the Royal Household Annual Accounts that’s had Palace aides popping Rennies for months. Renovations for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s Kensington Palace home have spiraled so far out of control, the blown budget has been spotted hanging out with Lindsay Lohan at Chiltern Firehouse.

Back in March, there was quite an uproar when news leaked that the budget footed by UK taxpayers for Apartment 1A had gone from the $1.8 million to $3.5 million and Kate wasn’t thrilled with the results.  Well, according to June’s Royal Household Annual Account, the grand total now is around $6,805,000, quadruple the original estimate.  Surprise!

In the olden days, a pitchfork and torch-wielding mob could gather to voice peasant displeasure, but very few people have pitchforks anymore and torches are just so cumbersome.   These days publicists fight the battles against the disenchanted and try to keep theoretical tea from being tossed into a harbor.

The Daily Mail reports that a spokesman for the couple claims because it was last renovated in 1963, a “significant amount of work had to be done to make it habitable again…   To put it in perspective, there wasn’t even any running water.”

Princess Margaret lived in the four story “apartment” until 1997 and of course we all remember the Queen’s sister in her sixties beating her laundry on rocks and carrying buckets full of water back from the Thames, sometimes running into Nellie Oleson who would show off a doll or a dress poor Princess Margaret couldn’t afford because money was tight on the prairie.  The 90s were a crazy, historically inaccurate decade.  Even though Buckingham Palace might want to portray Apartment 1A as having tumbleweeds blowing through the hallways, it wasn’t an abandoned ghost town.  The charity Historic Royal Palaces was operating out of the apartment, paying for necessary repairs and minor work for the space they were using out of their own pockets until they were given the boot to make way for the married couple.

Prince William and Kate were given several options for their home.  Kate was insistent on her own private garden which narrowed the possibilities.  Wills wanted to take his mother’s old apartment which had a private garden and would have required much less work, but it was reported that Kate was creeped out by the possibility of running into her late mother-in-law’s spirit.  Or at least ghost “wobblies” were said to be the reason Kate had to have Apartment 1A which was the biggest and grandest of all the possible residences available that weren’t once home to Princess Diana.  Personally, I think Prince Diana’s spirit is probably more creeped out by Kate.

Asbestos is being fingered as the cause of the Kensington Palace renovations costing millions of dollars.  Except the asbestos removal was covered by the original estimate.  Must be spooky mysteriously reappearing ghost asbestos, ghost asbestos giving Kate the wobblies.

If the original $1.8 million was to cover the “necessary renovations”, I guess the rest must have been for unnecessary renovations.  Perhaps it went towards platinum stripper poles and maybe a Starbuck’s and a Zara’s next to Kate’s private bathroom for when Kate’s far too tuckered to leave the Palace or has exceeded her monthly flashing limit?

$6,805,000 is a lot of money.  Okay, you can’t buy everyone in the world a Coke, a lot of people would have to share, but it is enough money to feed the severely malnourished children in London or save the lives of the thousands of UK citizens who will die this winter because they can’t afford to heat their homes.  It’s enough to help single mothers who are struggling to provide basic necessities for their children and a brighter future than cramped dilapidated housing.  $6.8 million is almost all that East Anglia’s Childrens Hospices needs to build a new hospital.  But having three state-of-the art kitchens in one home is super-important, too.

Not that the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle haven’t had to make sacrifices.  After all, they are expected to let other family members borrow the $13.6 million helicopter the Queen is leasing for them in helicopter emergencies when no other helicopter is available.  A new helicopter makes sense though, how else would they get to their country estate, Anmer Hall?  Driving’s for peasants.  So is paying for the Cambridge’s extravagant lifestyles.


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